While You Were Sleeping
by StrangerThanYouDreamtIt
Summary: JJ and Emily cross a line that should never have been there in the first place. But when Emily comes back from the dead and that line is crossed once again, will JJ finally admit the truth or will she continue to live a lie?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** This is an almost total rewrite - especially now that it is going to be a full story rather than a one shot. It will be graphic in parts, so if you're not of legal age, please click the little back button on your screen now and go find a more appropriate story. There will be angst - would you expect any less from me? - but there will be happy moments too. Hopefully, a lot of them. Please, please review if you read this story - even if it's to tell me that you didn't enjoy it. I can't improve if I don't know what you guys are thinking, so help me help you. ;)

**Author's Note 2: **For those of you who love to hate on Will, I'm afraid that you're probably not going to be able to do that with this story because, alas, I've written him as a decent guy (mostly because I think he actually is and I don't think that he necessarily needs to be painted otherwise just so Emily and JJ can be together - which they totally will be in this).

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing Criminal Minds related - Emily and JJ just get my muse riled up pretty nicely and I very much enjoy painting the vivid pictures that she creates in my mind so that others can enjoy them too. :)

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><p><strong>Chapter One: <em>Always<em>**

The gentle hum of the fan was driving her insane; the faint light of the moon shining in through the thin gap between deep blue curtains, even more so; and the desire to shake the life out of the snoring body beside her was overwhelming.

She wasn't usually this touchy, but then she wasn't usually this _frustrated_. This _lost_. This consumed, and overwhelmed, and yet utterly numb all at the same time.

Rolling from her side onto her back, JJ stared up at the ceiling, counted the imperfections and traced the lines in the gold trim. But those imperfections didn't serve as sheep to lull her to sleep, and those lines didn't lead her back to reality when the force of her helplessly wandering mind dragged her away. No, instead they guided her further into the dark, towards the crevices at the very back of her brain, to somewhere beyond the constant alertness of motherhood, somewhere beyond the relentless responsibility of a job that parts of her now wished that she had never applied for, somewhere that she hadn't been, hadn't dared to venture to in almost eight months; and yet for the past forty-eight hours memories had been pulling on her hand like an excited toddler, whining a constant nag of _This way! This way!_

_Her fingertips ghosted over tensed, white knuckles as she handed over the sealed manila envelope; that one simple gesture holding everything that she couldn't verbalise, everything that had been purposely ignored in favour of ignorance in the hours preceding that very moment. But as dark eyes swiftly diverted their gaze, as a soft, pale hand slid slowly, almost carefully, away, as a slim figure rose and turned her back; she swallowed away her tears and flirted with ignorance once more. Until.._

"_JJ.."_

_Glossy blue eyes darted up, almost hopefully, like she was longing for the next words to come out of Emily's mouth to be, "Just kidding! You remember that history of mine, the one that I kept secret for all these years, the one that is now controlling my future, our future, ripping me away from you and ensuring that anything we may or may not have had just.. doesn't matter anymore. Well, it was all a joke. Surprise! I can stay!"_

_But it wasn't that._

"_Don't contact me. Please. Please, do **not** contact me."_

_No, it wasn't even close to that._

_The lights of the city bounced off of Emily's silky, dark hair as she walked away, reflected back in the silent tears trickling down JJ's cheeks. And soon enough, she was gone; leaving nothing but her perfectly enunciated, excruciatingly painful parting words lingering in her mind. _

_It was over before it had even begun._

She had stored that memory away a long time ago, forced herself to cut her losses, and adapted to the idea that her life was with Will - they had a child together; what could be more natural and perfect than that?

Of course, though, it hadn't been that simple. It had been far, far from simple to remind herself that she couldn't stay in Paris, there, at that very table, waiting for Emily to happen to walk by one day. It had been far from simple to board a flight back to the States and keep herself from pressing her face against the window, searching for the tiny ant-like figure on the ground thousands of feet below her that could, just maybe, be Emily. It had been far from simple to put on her best smile, greet Will as she returned home and pretend that the trip that she had just taken was simply boring and business related, and nothing at all to do with ripping out her own heart and throwing it to the wind like a used candy wrapper.

Actually, no, that part hadn't been so awful; that part had probably been the easiest, in all of this - because for all Will knew, her _best friend_ had just _died_; because he was a good man who brushed back her hair when he caught her crying in the kitchen and held her when he found her staring into nothing; because he was the caring type of guy who understood when she was closed off, silent, distant; because he loved her, and he was there. Right there. Not thousands of miles away pretending to be someone he wasn't.

But as this good man, who loved her, and cared for her, and comforted her, made love to her.. All simplicity was lost once again. She couldn't move, she couldn't breathe, she couldn't hold back the tears. The missionary position was always a wonderful thing for that - with his face buried in her neck, he couldn't see the tears burning in her eyes; with his moans of pleasure filling the room, he couldn't hear the stray sob that escaped her lips for what it truly was; with his thrusting hips pushing himself inside her, he couldn't feel her body shake with the force of everything that she had lost, of everything that she never really had. And once he'd come inside her, after she'd found some semblance of strength to make some cringe worthy scene of just how much she had enjoyed those seven minutes of heaven like she had many, many times in the past; she'd roll over. Roll over, clutch a pillow to her chest and promise herself that tomorrow – _tomorrow will be the day that I pack up her things and move her to the back of my mind. Tomorrow._

But it didn't come tomorrow, or the next day, or the next week. It was months before she could finally say that it had stopped hurting so damn much, months before she could breathe a little easier, months before she had brainwashed herself into resignation; resignation to a new way of life. A life that, actually, wasn't new at all; a life that she had had long before Emily took over; a life that she had once been certain was everything that she wanted but just felt entirely foreign and uncomfortable to her now. But it _was_ a life, with _love_, and it was far better than the pain that she felt each time Emily casually strolled through her mind, each time she flashed before her eyes like she was really there, each time she..

Her heart had stopped when Hotch spoke those magic words: _It's time._ Panic had set in: _No, why? Morgan may be able to break Doyle without her._ But it was no good.

It _was_ time.

It wasn't fair; none of it had been fair. She had left, and done so with the cruelest request on her perfect, crimson lips. It didn't matter that she herself had helped her to leave, it didn't matter that it wasn't Emily's choice, none of it mattered now.. It was the most difficult thing that she had ever had to simply be _okay_ with, and now she was just.. there. Home. Back where she belonged; back where she should have always been. Perhaps she was being selfish but, God, it wasn't fair.

She glanced over at the clock. 2:17 blurred from the small, black box, and she sighed, not for the first time that evening. In less than seven hours she was to appear on the stand and tell the whole court exactly why it was that their actions with Ian Doyle had been justified, exactly why it was that they had gone to the lengths that they had, exactly why it was that Emily damn Prentiss should be allowed to return to the team.

To her heart.

Why should she be allowed back into her heart? And actually, had she ever really left?

She couldn't help it as her eyes reverted back to the ceiling; her mind went _there_. To the hour prior to watching her lover disappear into the night, when they sat drinking coffee at a small café. To the thirty minutes prior to that, as they walked out of the quaint, hidden hotel, hand in hand. To the hour(s) prior to that, as her whole body thrust against the fingers inside her, as a hungry mouth sucked greedily at her clit, as she explored every inch of Emily damn Prentiss' body, as they explored each other; _as they said goodbye._

And there it was; one of the main reasons that she had had no choice but to hide Emily away in a locked cabinet in the most darkened corner of her mind – that familiar heat deep inside her that always brought with it such an overwhelming guilt and an instant pool of wetness between her thighs. She shook her head, as if that would remove the siren responsible for such stirrings. But it was too late.

Her guilty eyes fell helplessly again to the body beside her. He was a good guy, really. Actually, scratch that, he was the best; the best that she could ever have hoped for, and he'd given her the best thing that she had ever been able to truly call her own.

But quite simply.. he just wasn't _her_. He would never be her. _No one_ would ever be her.

Shifting slightly, she felt the comforter graze against her already hardened nipples through her thin t-shirt and her eyes fell closed as a whimper broke free from her lips. She should have been concerned for the sound, concerned that it would wake him but she was too hooked on the _feeling_. It felt so fucking amazing and so incredibly wrong all at the same time. Here she was, laid next to the father of her child, whilst excruciatingly wet from the thought of, not only another person, but another _woman_.

It _was_ wrong. Of course it was. She knew that, but all that knowledge really served to do was make the tingling between her thighs unbearably worse.

Accidentally on purpose.. she shifted once more, again feeling the delicious graze of weighted quilt against sensitive flesh - it was okay if it was _accidental_, right?

The feeling was too much and yet, after a few more gentle shifts of her body, it was no longer enough. Instant replays of Emily kissing her, touching her, _fucking_ her, were plaguing her, and the feat of keeping her breathing to a regular pace, her slowly thrusting hips from waking the guy beside her, was proving to be an impossibility.

There was certainly no chance of sleep now.

But the remorse for that man beside her, the one who loved her, took care of her, seemed a whole world away now; fading somewhere behind lust and.. no, not love. Please not love. It wasn't love. Was it?

"Hmmm.." That mind shattering notion was abruptly ceased in the instant that her slowly creeping hand slipped beneath her shirt, across her stomach, to an aching nipple that just begged to be tugged. And sucked. And bitten. And.. _Emily.._

Her guilt was gone; it no longer existed. Nothing existed save for the nipples rolling between her fingers, the exquisite images of lust and sweat and thrusts and whimpers floating freely through the fog of her mind. Thank Christ that Will was a heavy sleeper. But even if he wasn't, would she really care? She was lost now, to a world of memory and fantasy..

"_Does that feel good, baby?" _

_The question was rhetorical, and even if it wasn't, she had lost all ability to form a coherent responsive sentence a long time ago. Long before this raven-haired goddess had begun teasing her with the promise of fulfillment; long before a skilled tongue had worked her to her first mind-blowing orgasm of the night; long before she had nervously but successfully coaxed Emily to come against her own mouth; and much, much longer before she had wound up in this position, her whole weight rested on her forearms and completely powerless to the woman behind her, just, just barely inside her._

_She mindlessly fisted the sheets beneath her palms, her forehead slumped forward against a pillow, her lips slightly parted as Emily, excruciatingly slowly, dipped the toy inside her once again. She couldn't see her face, but she was sure that the older woman was smiling; that smug, perfect grin of hers that only adorns her face when she knows that she's in control; when she knows that there's not a damn thing that JJ could do about it, even if she wanted to._

_And no matter the reason for that smile, JJ couldn't help but feel both sad and elated for it all at once, because soon enough it would be gone.._

It was that one all-consuming feeling that snapped her from her daydream; the one caused by a single digit that had wandered lower without her realising it and settled in a circling motion against her painfully aching clit. That one exquisite moment when you feel like you haven't been touched in months. Essentially, she hadn't. Not really. And now that she had it, that one fucking amazing second, she needed more. Much, much more.

"_Emily, please.." Emily loved to hear her beg, and JJ knew it. And if that's what it took to feel that cock so luxuriously deep inside her then beg she would. Oh man, she would beg. "I need you inside me, baby.." Her hips thrust back against Emily's not-so-little addition that, no matter how many times they used it, she couldn't seem to get enough. "Mmm.. please.. Please, baby, fuck me.." But everyone had their breaking point and hers was fast approaching. "God dammit, Emily, fuck me! Please just-"_

_Her pussy was filled and stretched in one agonizingly divine, deep stroke and her face smashed further into the pillow, the feathers absorbing a sound that fell somewhere almost primal._

She couldn't help it. Two fingers plunged deep inside her oh so needy pussy before she could even recognize the very real, very present day sound that such an invasion caused, before she could even recognize the bed stirring slightly beside her..

"_Oh, God, baby. Oh that's it." Her words sent Emily into a frenzy, and she quickened her pace, thrusting deeper each time. "Oh fuck.. Oh don't stop fucking me. Please don't stop fucking me."_

She added a third finger, thrusting with concern for nothing but the release that she so desperately craved, the release that was so damn close..

_Emily pulled her up to her knees with an arm across her lower stomach and pressed herself firmly into her back; the toy still buried deep inside her. Skilled fingers alternated between pulling and pinching her hardened nipples whilst one remained at a slightly protruding hip; perfect leverage to fuck her deeper than she ever had._

"_You're so fucking beautiful when you're whimpering like that.." Emily whispered into JJ's ear. "So fucking sexy.."_

JJ reached one hand above her head, gripping the pillow beneath her tight as the other thrust inside her; she was getting close. Oh so close.

_Her hand reached up and grabbed a fistful of soft, raven hair, twisting it between her fingers as Emily fucked her relentlessly and yet almost.. **lovingly**._

_"Faster baby.. please. I can take it."_

"Jayje.."

Her eyes shot open, her fingers stopping instantly, her whole body freezing to the point where she wasn't even breathing anymore, and she had absolutely no words when Will rolled over to face her and spoke again.

"Oh, chere.. you should have said something. I would have been happy to help." He smiled that loving smile of his, his cock already hard against her thigh as he stroked his thumb over JJ's cheek and studied the clear arousal he found in dark blue eyes. "Would you.. like me to help? Would you like me to fuck you, baby?"

_No. I would like __**her**__ to fuck me. Oh god, I __**need**__ her to fuck me. _"Yes.." She whispered. It wasn't her, but it was far better than her own fingers. Shoving back the covers, pushing the crotch of her panties to the side, JJ parted her thighs for Will to enter her, to fuck her back to ignorance, and with a dishonest innocence in her voice, she begged. "Please baby.. please fuck me.."

But ignorance wasn't what she found when his cock penetrated her, or when he picked up an instant fast, thrusting rhythm, or when he groaned and whimpered and told her how close he already was, or when she wrapped her arms purposely around his neck and held him close to her to hide her own face…

She found her. She searched, and as always, she found her.

_"Faster? I can do faster.." Emily whispered directly into her ear. "I can do deeper, too.." She added as she pressed her hand into JJ's lower back, causing the blonde to arch a little and impale herself further on her cock._

_"Unnnnghh.. Oh Gos yes.. Oh fuck, Emily.."_

"You close, baby?" Will grunted. "Fuck, I'm close. So close."

She pressed her hand to her mouth to silence the guilty sob that fell without permission as her hips mindlessly met Will's thrust for thrust, but she couldn't ignore the fact that she was indeed close, so fucking close, to an almighty climax, a release that she already hated herself for.

_Emily quickened her pace._

Will quickened his pace.

_Emily moaned directly into her ear._

Will grunted directly into her ear.

_Emily's hips thrust one last, beautifully deep time into her._

Will thrust inside her, holding himself there, as deep as physically possible as stream after hot stream of his release filled her.

_As she shook violently with the force of her orgasm, wave upon wave of pleasure gushing through her as lights flashed behind her eye lids, her own heartbeat hammering in her ears, Emily held her tight. As her breathing stopped completely, as her movements slowed to fluid rhythm, as her fingers dug into the skin beneath them, Emily moved with her. And as she finally floated back to reality, Emily spoke softly, honestly, sincerely. "Usted siempre será mío, Jennifer. Y yo soy siempre tuyo."_

And then it came; the almighty release that she had been craving. Craving not only all night, but the whole time since she had last felt Emily inside her, against her. Since she had last felt her touch, her kiss; the softness of her white as snow skin, and the safety of her arms.

And as Will moved his hips in a few more gentle thrusts, she felt the last of his release spurting out of him as her muscles clenched sporadically around his now satiated cock, and the tears came; silently, but flowing with much the same freedom as the come between her thighs. They stung her eyes and almost burnt as they left tracks against her flushed cheeks, and as Will withdrew, she rolled over, clutched a pillow tight to her chest and promised:

"Always."

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><p><strong>Author's Note 3:<strong> _Usted siempre será mío, Jennifer. Y yo soy siempre tuyo. = You will always be mine, Jennifer. And I am forever yours._


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: **Please read and review, my lovelies, and you may even get another update later today for your kindness. :D

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><p><strong>Chapter Two: <em>My Girl<em>**

She was right by her side as Strauss delivered the good news; _Suspension is lifted for everyone. There may be more paperwork considering your.. situation, but the team is lucky to have you. If you're interested._ A small smile even crept over her glossy, pink lips as Emily accepted the offer; _I'm in._

But as, one by one, each member of the team filtered out of the room, she was no longer by her side, no longer smiling; she was simply staring.

She just _stared_.

Hesitant, soft brown eyes dared to meet that stare for the first time since they had nervously bypassed the blonde two days ago. It was time. "JJ.."

She unfolded her arms, her expressionless face giving nothing away as she walked towards the woman who had abandoned her eight months ago; a determination in her step that she should have recognized but the sharp piercing sound was as much as shock to her as it was to Emily.

The sting of an open palm meeting her cheek almost winded her and her typically calm, collected nature abandoned her for just a second. "What the fuck, JJ? What the _fuck_ was that for?"

And then she broke. JJ, quite simply, broke. Her emotionless face fell, just like the tears and sobs that were now pouring freely from shining blue eyes. But when Emily reached out to comfort her, something that she had longed for for months, she didn't hesitate to push her away. "No!" She almost yelled as she swiped the tears from her flushed cheeks. "No. You do not get to do that. Not anymore."

"Jayje.. You _know_ that I didn't have a choice." Emily reasoned, her hands out in front of her and that empathetic expression on her face that she typically gets when trying to depict sincerity. "You _know_ I would have stayed if I could. You know.." Emily paused, that sincere expression changing to one of uncertainty as she realised.. "Don't you? Please tell me that you _know_ that, JJ."

JJ shrugged. "I duno, Emily. You tell me. Wasn't it you who told me not to contact you? Wasn't it you who managed to trivialize everything between us in the space of two shorts seconds? Wasn't it you who got inside my head, fucked with me," She looked around the room for the first time, only just finding concern for who may be listening before she lowered her voice, "_fucked me_, ruined me.. and then abandoned me?"

"Jennifer.."

"Don't call me that." Her still teary eyes shot back to Emily's, her jaw locked. "You no longer have that right."

"Don't you get it?" Emily threw up her hands, frustrated, her raven-haired head shaking in disbelief. "Don't you understand? Don't you understand why I told you not to contact me?"

"Because you no longer had use for me?" JJ scoffed and turned to walk away, but a firm grip at her wrist stopped her.

"No." Emily spat angrily. "No. _You_ don't get to do that. _You_ don't get to act like I had any choice whatsoever in this, and _you_ don't get to make out like it was easy for me. It _wasn't_ easy for me! It was the hardest damn thing that I have ever done in my life and I knew, I _knew_, that it would be even more unbearable if I could hear your voice every day. If I had that option."

JJ's features softened as a new wave of tears pricked at her eyes, her voice dropping almost to a whimper. "But wasn't I _worth_ that pain?"

"Was _I_ worth that pain?" Emily shot back, continuing when JJ's confusion became apparent. "I had no idea when I could come back JJ, come home. If I ever could at all. How could I keep you hanging on like that when there was a very real possibility that all I could ever be to you was a memory?"

JJ had no words, none that seemed worth saying, none that mattered. What she did have though, was one burning question. "And now?"

Emily watched the younger woman for a moment; took in the truly breathtaking sight that was Jennifer Jareau – the truly breathtaking sight that she had only been permitted to visualize in memory for the past eight months. "And now.."

She'd grabbed JJ's upper arm and pulled her close before she could even question her clearly impaired judgment; crushed her lips against ones as soft as silk before she could recognize that she was putting their job, her job, the one that she had only just gotten back, in jeopardy; but the point where she finally did recognise that concern coincided exactly with the moment that JJ kissed back, pushed back, whimpered back and the thought was banished before it was even complete.

"Oh god I've missed you so damn much." Emily spoke breathlessly as she pushed JJ back towards the round table; the one that saw images of brutal rapes, murders, torture every single day but now.. well, now it was going to see something really, truly beautiful. "I missed your lips.." Unable to resist, she pressed her lips back to ones as sweet as honey. "Oh god, I missed your lips."

A grey, pencil-skirt was bunched up around stocking-clad thighs, a perfectly plump arse was forced upon a mahogany table, and toned legs parted, almost desperately, as JJ implored, "Emily please.. Please touch me."

And oh, did she ever.

**CM-CM-CM**

Glittery, pink-tipped fingers tapped feverishly at the keys beneath them as almost smiling lips, a much brighter shade of pink, hummed what sounded like a made up tune, until she clearly came to hear favourite part and, arms now wide open, belted out..

"You've got so much love in yooou! You've got sooo much love in you. I'm amazed that I'm talking to you! You look like.." But then, out of the sides of her twinkling blue frames, she saw it. Penelope Garcia had seen many things in her time but, wow.. "..holy fuckballs."

Now, aside from that one time in college that every girl in the universe seems to have experienced, Garcia had naturally considered herself to be wholly and completely, 100% straight – the perfectly sculpted chest of Derek Morgan was far too tempting for her to turn to the darker side of the rainbow. But this sight in front of her - the one with raven hair contrasting exquisitely with golden locks as crimson lips dragged over tan skin; the one with gasping pink lips forming a perfect O as clearly skilled fingers disappeared between open thighs – well, that one was a game changer and even rivaled the morning that she awoke to her chocolate Adonis, wet and shiny from his shower, standing before her in nothing but a towel.

It took a good fifteen seconds of blatant staring before she remembered something, something strong enough to tear her eyes away. _Shit!_ She cursed to herself as she turned quickly to another screen, opened a separate window and began typing faster than she had ever typed in her life. _Shit! Shit! Shit!_

And then, for one second, as the security camera in the conference room found itself "temporarily down for maintenance" she breathed; a sigh of relief for her friends who, she promised in that moment, were going to get both a stern talking to and a congratulatory pat on the back for managing to keep this little love affair from her.

And then..

"Oh.." On the furthermost screen to her right, the image adorning it told her that things were about to get really, incredibly ugly, really, incredibly fast. "Oh no.."

She burst out of her lair like a bat out of hell, just managing to catch Will as Rossi nodded towards the conference room and indicated that that's where he could find the mother of his child. The mother of his child with Emily's face between her thighs, the mother of his child with an image of pure ecstasy painted across her innocent, baby face, the mother of his child who, if Emily was as skilled as Garcia had just seen her to be, was probably fast approaching the most intense orgasm of her life..

"Will!" She yelled, almost like the guy was her best friend, almost like she hadn't seen him in months when actually, she had seen him just that morning at the courthouse. And she flung her arms around him, gripping on uncomfortably tight, so tight that he was lucky that he didn't black out – but considering what he was about to walk into, that may not have been a bad thing.

"Uh.. Hey, Garcia." He spoke with a laugh in his soft, Southern drawl, coughing a little and holding his fist to his chest when she finally let him go. "I'm just bringing Henry by to see JJ before we head to my mom's for the weekend."

"Oh well, you know, my handsome little crawfish, I have absolutely no idea where she is. Perhaps we could-"

"Ah that's okay, Garcia." He smiled, speaking again before turning to leave. "Dave already told me where to find her."

"Wait, Will, uh.."

"I really, really should get this little guy to JJ so she can say goodbye. We have to leave by noon if we wana catch our flight. If we miss it, my dear ma will make sure I never hear the end of it."

He smiled again; that genuine, warming smile that actually caused her heart to crack in two. Poor guy.. But he was insistent, so reluctantly, she let him go; let him walk into a situation that would change his entire, perfect, white picket-fence life as he knew it. But not before..

"Will." She could see that he was growing frustrated. Of course, he was hiding it well, but he was definitely growing frustrated. "I have something to show Henry. How about I take him and you bring JJ down to my office to say her goodbyes." The poor kid did not need to see his mommy in such an undignified position, and he certainly didn't need to see the apocalypse that was about to occur.

"Uh.. sure." Will smiled and Henry had already let go of his hand and jumped up into the bubbly woman's arms long before he had given his permission. "You be good, Henry. I will be right back with mommy."

_I wouldn't be so sure of that.._ She sighed as she watched Will walk away, before turning to Henry's bright, blue eyes and smiling. "Is it time for chocolate? Aunt Penny definitely thinks it's time for chocolate."

**CM-CM-CM**

"Mmmm…" Her small hand pressed hard against Emily's head, gripped fiercely at raven hair as the older woman did _incredible_ things to her pussy; as a skilled tongue twisted and curled against her engorged clit, as three fingers stretched her, one of which was rubbing in perfect unison at that mind-fucking, earth shattering spot somewhere deep inside her. "Oh God, don't stop, Emily. I'm so close.."

"How close?" Emily peered up at JJ, smiling as the blonde's juices glistened around her ever-inviting lips, her fingers still keeping up steady pace. "How close are you?"

"_So_ close.."

"Oh yeah?" She whispered before she ran her tongue along the blonde's inner thigh, her eyes still peering up at JJ as she teased. "You think you can come with just my fingers inside you?" Her lips pressed in one long, open-mouthed kiss against JJ's clit. "Or do you need my hot, wet mouth sucking and licking your needy clit?"

JJ all but came there and then. There was nothing, absolutely fucking nothing, in this entire world, that was hotter than Emily Prentiss' perfectly enunciated dirty talk. Nothing. She often wondered how someone so sophisticated, so proper, could have learnt such language, but then another mind-blowing orgasm would rip through her and she'd forget that she had ever even thought such a thing.

"Just your fingers.. Oh fuck," She gasped as those fingers rubbed a little faster inside her. "Just your fingers. But don't stop looking up at me like that. It's so.. Oh god it's so.." Those fingers rubbed faster still. "Unnngh.. it's so fucking hot."

"Mmmm.." Emily's left hand gripped tighter at a hip bone beneath JJ's skirt as her lips pressed to an inner thigh once again, though her eyes stayed exactly where the blonde had requested them to be. "It seems that my girl is quite the exhibitionist."

"You have no idea.." JJ thrust her hips against Emily's fingers as her own curled around the lip of the table, almost struggling to keep up with the fast pace but she was nothing if not determined.

"That's so fucking hot. Tell me Jennifer.." Emily shifted forward on her knees to wrap her left arm around JJ's lower back and pull her closer as she thrust, and thrust, and thrust. "Did you fantasise about me watching you come while I was gone?"

Bad move. Totally the wrong fucking thing to say.

Suddenly the world stopped. Suddenly everything stopped, and with a shove of her hand as she pushed Emily away, she cut off the brunette's untypically stuttering apology before it left her lips; blinked her eyes several times as she frowned in hurt and contemplation; brushed down her skirt and slipped from the table as Emily, still on her knees, stared up at her with eyes that were saying something that didn't quite make it to her lips.

But then it came; a gentle knock at the door, a loving, smiling face peering through the glass, and as Will walked in - completely unaware of what he had just interrupted - JJ shot almost accusatory eyes back to Emily who was still kneeling on the floor before her. "Did you find it?"

_Did I find **what**?_ Emily silently questioned as she quickly but subtly wiped JJ's juices from her chin.

_The self-assurance that you're clearly looking for. The confirmation that I cared enough for you to be able to hurt me.. hurt me like you had intended to._ "Your phone? The one you misplaced?"

It wasn't the reason that she had taken the career path that she had, but the acting skills that it was providing her with in this very moment were certainly proving themselves useful. "No.." She sighed as she pressed her hands to her knees, looked down at the ground one more time as if conducting a last quick search for the missing phone - but was actually searching for the courage that she needed to face the man whose wife had just very nearly come against her fingertips - before pushing herself to her feet. "I must have left it in my car. Or perhaps the courthouse. I'm sure I'll find it."

"Hey, Jayje.. She's as bad as me!" Will grinned, almost proud, before looking to Emily with a shrug. "I'm always losing stuff."

The irony of his last sentence almost choked her and the look on JJ's face told Emily that she'd made the connection too. Though, if the last thirty seconds was anything to go by, she wasn't certain that he had indeed lost his girlfriend.. she wasn't even certain that his girlfriend would ever talk to her again. She had been silent for far, far too long and she was grateful when Will spoke again.

"Anyway, I'm sure you two have a ton to catch up on. But you girls have the whole weekend to yourselves-"

_Oh god, please stop._ Emily looked away, masking her guilt as Will unknowingly said the wrong thing once again.

"-and Henry and I need to catch our flight soon."

JJ's eyes quickly widened in panic at a sudden realisation. "Where _is_ Henry?" It wasn't like he would have seen anything, but if the young three year old was anything like her – something that he was proving to be – then he would have seen everything that Will was missing. Aside from serial killers, children actually made the best profilers; something about seeing the world through totally innocent eyes made that world a whole lot clearer, even when people tried so desperately to hide.

"He's with Garcia. She wanted to show him somethin'. I dread to think what that somethin' is considering how strange she was acting but I'm sure it falls somewhere between piles upon piles of candy that will make sure our two hour flight is going to be an exhausting one."

_Garcia was acting strange?_ Each woman thought in unison, before, almost exactly at the same moment, coming to the very same conclusion; their eyes meeting nervously. _She knows.._

Will leant against the door frame hiding his impatience; he had too much respect for women engrained into him to hurry JJ along again, and too, he knew how much his wife had missed Emily during the time that she was certain she was dead, just like he knew that they had so many things to work out in order to fix their relationship. But what he didn't know, was that those things fell very short of anything that he could ever assume them to be.

JJ gave one last glance to Emily before she straightened her back, turned to Will with a smile and spoke - "Let's go find that sugared-up son of ours." – all the while, the words, _my girl, my girl, my girl_, ringing through her chaotic mind.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: **So, the followers for this story more than tripled yesterday, and the favourites almost doubled. Thank you so much! I would like to see more reviews though - it's the only real way for me to learn my strengths and weaknesses. So, please, if you read this story **leave me a review**. Both praise and criticism is welcomed. Besides, I'm sick and yet I'm _still_ giving you a new chapter, so reward me with reviews! :D thanks again!

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><p><strong>Chapter Three: The Lost Panties<strong>

"I do not think so." Garcia interjected as JJ waved her last goodbye to her boyfriend and son as they disappeared behind the closing doors of the elevator, and began to move towards to her desk. "You are coming with me, my beautiful little Lothario."

It always astounded JJ how Garcia could make even the meanest nicknames sound so cute and loving – but that astonishment was easily overridden by an uncertainty. She was either about to get a lecture that she didn't need, or an encouragement that she didn't want – neither was a fun prospect. "Garcia, I-"

Lowering her voice, Garcia gave incentive. "I can turn on the CCTV just as easily as I turned it off, which I'm sure you wouldn't want to happen before you have chance to run back and collect the panties that you left on the floor beneath the conference table."

JJ's eyes widened slightly, but she resisted the urge to look around the room nervously and give away any unnecessary information to the abundance of profilers surrounding her. "How did you.."

"Oh I didn't for sure." Garcia began with a smile, her voice still no more than a whisper as she linked her arm with JJ's and the pair walked the corridors back to her lair. "But, I saw, in all it's _beautiful_ glory, the attention that your lady garden received in the past thirty minutes, and combining that with the way you've been walking for the past ten minutes, I just assumed.."

JJ cringed, unconsciously clenching her thighs together as she walked and hoped beyond hope that no one would find her panties before she herself could find the courage to head back to the conference room.

"So-"

It was only one word, but it caused her face to scrunch up into such a painful contortion of conflict and confusion as she plonked herself down on a chair opposite an expectant Garcia.

"-Emily Prentiss, eh?" Garcia cocked her head to the side, her bright eyes staring off into the distance as she remembered the delightful images that had graced one of her many screens just thirty minutes ago. "Perhaps Lothario was unfair. Is _she_ the Lothario and you're simply another-"

"No." Her flashing eyes depicted her distaste at such a notion far more than the firm word itself. She couldn't bring herself to even entertain the possibility that she was simply another nothing to Emily, not after.. not after everything. And not even when such a huge part of her was now certain that all Emily had really needed was the knowledge that she had gotten under skin, the certainty that she had tricked her just enough to fall for her charismatic charm. "No, Garcia."

"Then.."

"Then.." Then what? What _was_ she? What, indeed, were _they_? "I.. I don't know." Her features softened and tears became visible in her fearful, bright blue eyes. "I really don't know."

"Oh, sugar plum.." The bubbly woman scooted her chair forward until she was able to take JJ's hands in her own. "It's okay if she tricked you, ya know. Perhaps this was her fault and maybe she charmed you enough to convince you that maybe, just maybe you were gay and-"

"No!-"

_I really should've been a profiler_, Garcia almost smirked to herself. No part of her believed that Emily had such a malicious bone anywhere in her goddess-like body, but she had to break JJ away from fear and push her in the direction of the clarity that she was certain the younger woman was purposely avoiding.

"-You have no idea, Garcia. No f-"

"The only reason I remember the exact year," Garcia casually cut off a rather confused JJ. "is because it was my second year of college. Not because of what happened, not because of that at all. I mean, the sex was pretty great. You never really can beat having sex with someone who, by default, knows your body just as well as you do but.. It was a one time deal." She shrugged. "I knew I wasn't gay, even when we were together, and there was no pretense about that so it never happened again."

"_You_ had _sex_ with a _woman_?" JJ asked, almost accusatory.

"Really? _You're_ shocked?" Garcia raised an eyebrow. "Oh please, sweetie. You're as straight as they come and yet wasn't it you who I just witnessed in all your euphoric glory with Emily's fingers inside you?"

JJ cringed at Garcia's crude description of what had just happened and managed to utter a feeble, "Sorry."

"I don't want you to be sorry, honey. I want you to see my point.." Her wise eyes searched JJ's. "I had sex with a woman one time, and it never happened again because, well, I had no desire for it to happen again. Because I'm wholly straight. You.. Well. Unless you can honestly tell me that that is the first time it happened and the thought of it happening again does absolutely nothing for you, then I think this issue is far bigger than you cheating on Will."

The hurt JJ felt at Garcia's last statement was blatantly apparent, but how could she protest when it was true? She couldn't, but even she was shocked at the truths that left her lips. "It came so easy. It all did. It was like.. well, it was like the first time with a guy only.. Only she was softer, her skin was softer, her lips were softer, her.." JJ's eyes stared off into the distant corner of the darkened room. "It was just softer. And easy. And.. terrifying but.. so, so _easy_. Almost natural. You'd think it wouldn't have been given that I've only ever been intimate with guys but it really was."

"So it isn't the first time it happened?" Garcia questioned softly, just barely containing her excitement for story time.

"No.." JJ replied with an almost vacant smile playing against her lips.

**Fourteen Months ago: Somewhere outside of Chicago:**

"_I'm pretty sure this wasn't what Hotch had in mind when he said we should spend the night unwinding!" Emily yelled over the booming music with a laugh as JJ dragged her over to the bar to order another round. "And I'm also pretty certain that he doesn't want two highly hung over agents on his hands on the flight back tomorrow."_

_If she'd heard her, she made no attempts to acknowledge the words. "Here." She handed the taller woman a shot of some kind of Kermit green liquid and raised her own in the air. "To.. another victory. To the lives we __**do**__ save. To.. to us."_

"_To.." Emily murmured softly, her heart twisting in knots at the prospect of saying such a thing. "To us.."_

_A small hand reached over the bar at the very point that Emily tilted her head back to down the shot, dumped the contents of her own drink into the small sink and returned just in time to make some mock expression and sound of disgust. "Wow.."_

"_What the hell __**was**__ that?" Emily laughed, completely unaware that whilst she was feeling the heavy buzz of three strongly laced toxins; her blonde counterpart was feeling none of that but something else entirely: curiousity._

"_Come on!" _

_A gentle hand grasped with her own, her mumbling protests of, "I don't dance," disappearing somewhere against JJ's back as the smaller woman dragged her into a growing crowd of people._

"_I-I think I need to go sit down.." The subtly begging words left her lips as soon as the blonde's suddenly close, **very** close proximity caused her to bite down on her own lip; a silent punishment for all the thoughts running through her mind; a silent reminder of the convictions that were crumbling before her very eyes._

"_No you don't." JJ smiled, finding something strangely enjoyable in watching Emily Prentiss squirm, but that amusement shifted abruptly when she realised that her eyes, her very own eyes, had wandered a little too far - from that gentle curve of a strong cheekbone to crimson painted lips – and had not only wandered, but settled firmly, refusing to budge. Which is why, when Emily made some faint protests once again, all she could mutter was the same three words. "No you don't."_

"_I hate you so much."_

_The breathy, almost nervous words were enough to snap her eyes away and she recognised a look on the older woman's face that, for the first time, filled her with a hope that she didn't actually recognize at all. What was she hopeful for? But with a gentle smile, JJ whispered purposely once again, like it was the only phrase she knew. "No you don't."_

_Emily opened her mouth to speak but was cut off by a quick kiss upon her cheek and a blonde temptress bouncing away and for a moment, she just stood there very still, uncertain as to whether she was supposed to follow JJ or just.. she had no clue._

"Oh, I remember that night! Oh my god!" Garcia spoke and then yelled as she realized that, since they had needed her for that particular case, she had actually been there and yet she had seen absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. Of course, it was also the same night that a particularly handsome waiter had been showering her with free cocktails – why would she have noticed anything beyond his soft wavy hair and beautiful hazel eyes? "So, what? You guys got back to the hotel room and just couldn't keep your hands off of each other?" Garcia lowered her voice an octave before squealing like a girl. "That is so cliché and yet so.. ooo!"

"No.." JJ cocked her head to the side, a smile still playing against her lips that really shouldn't have been there considering the circumstances. "That was one of the few times that we each had our own room on a case, and.." Her mind wandered, realizing that maybe, just maybe, she truly had been disappointed even back then to realise that she wouldn't get to share such a small space with Emily. "Just, no.."

"Then what?" Garcia questioned, somewhat disappointed. "Oo! Was it on the flight home?" She jabbed JJ in the side before almost singing. "Plane sex is really haw-awttttt!"

"I'm not sure I want to know how you know that.." The blonde laughed, wriggling away from Garcia whilst she mindlessly searched for the memory, the point where everything had changed so much. "No it.. It was months after that, actually. We were in Colorado for a conference with Reid. He wanted to use us as his test subjects or something.. Something about women in a man's world." JJ both rolled her eyes and smiled at the young doctor's innocence. "Anyway, so, to cut a long story short, I was having a dream about Will. I was saying goodbye to him and leant in to kiss him but.. Um.. But in reality, in real, non-dream life.. I.. I actually kissed Emily."

"Pahhahaha!" Garcia couldn't help but laugh; only JJ could cheat on someone _genuinely_ accidentally. "Oh but.. so it _did_ happen in a hotel room?

"Noo." JJ laughed, though her mind was playing over the irony of what she had just told Garcia. She hadn't thought of it until now, but maybe, if she had realized back then that that dream-spoken goodbye was to be the foundation for the next eleven months of her life, she might have gone about things differently. Maybe.. "Um.. no. The next day. We landed back in DC and I gave Emily a ride home because, in her words, her car had _taken a shit_." JJ couldn't help but giggle with Garcia at the typically proper Emily saying such a common thing. "We rode in almost silence, but when I pulled up outside her condo, she broke the silence and.."

**Eleven Months Ago: Somewhere in DC:**

_The small white SUV came to an all too sudden and yet not soon enough stand still outside of Emily's building. _

_Emily's mind was like a damn tornado. Thanks to the abrupt yet gentle wake-up call in the very early hours of that morning, she had had about three hours of sleep, and thanks to the blonde woman next to her who refused to even look at her, she had been helpless to the constant reply of such a wake-up call and the abundance of questions and possibilities that it seemed to have awoken within her. She was almost, almost, certain that the eyes that she had met shortly after soft lips had brushed against her own very early that morning were in no way regretful; and the fact that those eyes had closed softly, those lips had kept moving long after they were both awake and knew what was happening, told her that maybe, just maybe, the whole encounter wasn't remembered solely with regret but possibly too, the same longing that she felt in her own chest. That she had always felt. So, there was absolutely no way that she was getting out of this car; because she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that once this door was closed, it would be closed to her forever.  
><em>

"_Jennifer, look at me." Emily quickly removed her seatbelt and turned fully to face JJ whose white-knuckled hands gripped the steering wheel. _

"_Please don't, Emily." JJ begged softly. "Please don't do this. **Please** just forget it."_

"_I will. I really will." And she really would have done, too. "If you just do one thing for me.."_

_Curious, nervous eyes finally turned, finally met Emily's as she stuttered. "W-what?"_

"_Kiss me again." She saw JJ's shaking head snap away, and she spoke again quickly before the blonde had chance to yell at her to get out of her car. "JJ, I need you to kiss me again and tell me that you feel nothing.. I need that. And I need that because I.." Should she really finish that sentence?_

_JJ couldn't help but want to hear the rest. "Because you what, Emily?"_

"_Because I've.. Because I've always wanted you.." She spoke almost regretfully. "Because.. because I've always been able to tell myself that I have absolutely no chance with you but now, after.. I can't do that anymore. And so.. so I need you to kiss me, properly kiss me, and then I need you to tell me that you felt nothing. That you __**feel**__ nothing."_

"_I.."_

"_Please." Emily shifted forward, almost desperately. "Please JJ. I will do everything, all you need to do is.. kiss me like you mean it."_

_The desperation in Emily's eyes was something that she had only seen one other time - three months ago when she begged for permission to leave that dance floor – and she agreed before she could even really think about the consequences. "Okay.."_

"_O-okay.." Emily stuttered, nervous despite having been granted her wish. _

_Her tongue unconsciously slipped out, grazed over her own lips as she shifted closer, her head dropping momentarily. She felt so pathetic; she had kissed people before, many, many people and yet, in that moment, she felt like a teenager who had never kissed anyone other than her gran on the cheek at Christmas. But then it happened.. small hands fell from the steering wheel they were clinging so desperately to, trailed slowly up her arm and settled. Settled against her cheek, stroking tentatively over the skin there, before lips, softer than she remembered them from her hazy, sleepy state that morning, glided against her own; warm and welcoming, healing and forgiving. Until.._

"_I can't." _

_The kiss broke suddenly, two words laced in a gasp filled the air and her own heart sank; it was over long before it should have been. "Just tell me, JJ. Please. Please tell me that you didn't feel anything. That you.. that you don't feel anything."_

"_I can't, Emily." Her hands were back at the steering wheel, her conflicted eyes staring out to the darkened road. _

"_Please.." The sound that accompanied that one word was quite simply, not Emily. Emily was strong and hella confident but right in that moment she just.. wasn't._

"_I'm not a cheater, Emily." JJ, jaw locked, turned just her eyes to face Emily. "And I'm also not a liar."_

"_But you don't have to lie to him, Jayje." Emily reasoned. "I'm not asking you to lie to him.. You can tell him, tell him what just happened, tell him that I made you if you need to I just.. __**I**__ need you tell me, with your own words, that you feel nothing."_

_'You totally missed my point'**..**__ JJ shook her head and looked away again._

"_Forget it." Emily scoffed impatiently, hurt causing her natural defenses to kick in very abruptly. "I have no idea why you can't just give me that one thing when you're the damn reason that my apparently infamous compartmentalization skills are fucked in the first place." Climbing out of the car, she poked her head back inside and spoke again before slamming the door behind her. "Just.. forget it."_

_Two visible jumps came from a small, blonde body - the one caused by the ricocheting slam of a door, and the one caused by the shrilly ringing phone somewhere on the back seat – and it took her a moment to recognize either._

_Fumbling around in her purse, JJ answered the phone without checking the caller ID - "Jareau." – and slumped in her seat as Will's loving voice came over the line, asking in such a sweet tone whether she'd be home soon because he'd started dinner. She paused for a moment, the instant word on her lips yes, but when it left those lips, it came out rather different than it had first appeared in her mind. "Uh, I'm probably gona be a while. We have paperwork to wrap up from this last case."_

_He hid his disappointment well, but she knew that it was there; intricately laced with love and trust that she didn't deserve – but as she ended the call, climbed out of the vehicle and headed determined towards Emily's building, that disappointment erased itself from her lust-driven mind._

JJ looked at Garcia like she was done, like that was the end of the story..

"What.. are you serious? Oh, come on.. I didn't listen to all the pointless details you just gave me to then miss out on the good stuff." Placing a hand on her hip, Garcia demanded. "Spill."

And with a groan, she spilled..

_The door abruptly swinging open, almost like she'd forgotten that she'd even knocked, scared the crap out of her, but the words came instantly. "I mean I can't lie to __**you**__."_

"_Wha.." Emily questioned confused and somewhat pissed off as the blonde barged by her._

"_I can't cheat on Will but I can't tell you that I don't feel anything when I do and-" JJ almost yelled at the ground beneath her feet; perhaps if she didn't look at Emily whilst she was essentially ripping out Will's heart, then it wouldn't count. "-I'm not a cheater but I can't. I __**can't**__. God dammit, I can't Emily. I can't lie to you."_

"_Then.." Emily whispered as she stepped forward.  
><em>

"_Then.." The almost silently thudding feet approaching her startled her and eased her all at once. "Then.." She finally looked up, her eyes a whole shade darker and her heart picking up a beat in her ears when she realized that Emily was stood directly in front of her. "Then.."_

"_Then.." Emily whispered again as she tucked JJ's blonde hair behind her ear. "Which one wins, JJ?" Using both hands, she brushed golden tresses away from slim shoulders and with one open palm pressed her hand directly against JJ's heart. "Are you a cheater, or are you a liar?"_

_The brutally honest question should have hurt, but it didn't. That, though, may have had something to do with the soft lips that pressed directly against the top of her breast through a button-up shirt, or the thumbs that brushed dangerously low on her stomach, or the further question that answered the first._

"_Do you want me to stop, JJ?" It was a fair question, but when asked whilst tempting fingers were already working on the buttons of a silk, blue shirt, it really wasn't fair at all. And when that shirt was finally released and those fingers dipped under the cup of a lace bra to tease at the nipple hardening quickly beneath them, it lost all fairness entirely. "Tell me to stop, JJ."_

"_St.." The almost word started in her brain but dissipated somewhere on her tongue until all that passed her lips was little more than an appreciative sigh._

"_Tell me.." Fingers worked at a belt, a button, a zipper. "Tell me, JJ.." One arm snaked around a slim waist, another dipping into the front of blue jeans and stroking purposely against already soaked panties as dark eyes stared directly into lust-hazed blue. "Tell me you don't want this.."_

"_St.." The broken word came once again, only this time it fell as a whimper as she felt the pressure between her thighs. It felt so exquisitely, incredibly, dangerously fucking amazing and placed her directly in the centre of guilt and desire with a complete uncertainty of which way to run. "Sto.."_

"_Say it, Jayje.." Two fingers rubbed against a still dampening slit over silk panties; but the other arm was gone, the one holding JJ to her and in it's place was the firm wall of her hallway. "Say it.." She kissed and nipped and licked her way from JJ's ear lobe to her collarbone, from her upper chest to the top of her breast once again; her fingers pressing a little firmer as she hissed. "Tell me you don't want me to fuck you.."_

_She wasn't sure why, but hearing Emily imploring her to tell her to stop only made her wetter. Perhaps it was the knowledge that, whilst she was telling the brunette to stop; this technically wasn't her fault, technically wasn't her doing. She was certain that Emily knew that too, certain that that was the reason that she was even repeating the command in the first place, and she found herself strangely grateful. So she played along, played this game to a perfection._

"_I don't.." She whimpered, but her feet began a slow, somewhat difficult walk to Emily's bedroom nonetheless. "Stop.." She whispered, and yet that one word was followed by a kiss that could bruise. "Please Emily.." She begged, but as soon as Emily's bed hit the back of her legs, she was quick to push herself back, to pull the brunette with her._

_Hovering over the blonde who's golden hair splayed out like sunshine against her black sheets, Emily held her weight on one hand and pushed dark jeans over a slim waist with the other, pushing and pushing until they were uncaringly tossed to the ground. "Are you sure you don't want me to do this.." Her teeth bit down at the side of a lower stomach, sucking and sucking with no concern for the marks that she left before her wet tongue soothed the welted skin. "Or this.." Her hand ghosted slowly up the inside of JJ's thigh, purposely stopping short of the heat that she could already feel radiating against her fingertips. _

"_Stop.." She whimpered once again, only this time when the word passed her pink lips, it was contradicted by the small hand that wondered. And when she finally found what she was searching for, when she shoved what she was searching for down the front of her already soaked panties and into her wet folds, her next words were lost somewhere between a moan of relief and a broken whimper that depicted the last shred of guilt fleeing her hyper-sensitive body. "Please, Emily. Please stop.."_

"And.. that's all you get."

Garcia blinked. Blinked again. Everything that she had ever thought she knew about the woman before her had completely abandoned her. "You.. You told her to stop and yet.. you didn't _let_ her stop?"

"Uh.." _Really? That's all you took from that story?_ "Yeah? It was.." She was suddenly wholly unsure of herself. "It was okay, ya know. I think she wanted to.. I duno. To stop me from feeling so guilty."

Garcia blinked again. And again, before spinning away on her chair as a word that was no more than a burst of air sprang from her dramatically pursed lips. "Wow.."

"Hey, no.." JJ scooted towards Garcia with difficultly, frowning at the chair when it just wouldn't budge and resigned herself to lifting it and plonking it down beside her friend. "Wow what?"

Garcia turned slowly with a sigh, before biting her bottom lip and speaking. "Honey.. sometimes, I really have no idea why Emily pushed you to become a profiler."

"Uh.. ouch." JJ's hurt eyes travelled away and then back to her friend.

"JJ, you couldn't have been more off the mark if you tried and right now, I really feel kinda bad for her, even if she did help you cheat on your boyfriend.." She could see that her words had hurt JJ – not something that she was wholly trying to do – but it was something that needed saying and Garcia had never been the kind of friend who would say something just to placate someone.

"Why.." Her voice was almost childlike. "What did.. What did I do?"

Garcia sighed. "Sweetie.. I think you did what anyone else in your position would have done. Anyone else who was as confused as you would do. You misunderstood in favour of.. well, in favour of yourself."

"Wait.." JJ grew defensive. "Emily _wanted_ what happened! I didn't force-"

"Oh no I know!" Garcia spoke quickly, not wanting the blonde to get the wrong idea. "I know you didn't force her and I wholly believe that she wanted to but.. but did she know for sure that _you_ did?"

"I.." JJ's brow furrowed. "I don't understand."

"Gumdrop.. I don't think the reason she wanted you to tell her to stop was for the reason you think it is.. What I think she really wanted was for you to tell her that you _didn't_ want her to stop. I think she wanted, _needed_, to know. To really know for sure, that you genuinely wanted it to happen. That you genuinely wanted _her_, not just the sex.."

"But she.." _Oh god.._ "She already knew that.. she already _knows_ that.. doesn't she?"

Garcia pursed her lips, allowed the small shake of her blonde head to give her answer.

"Oh god.." Her hand pressed gently to her lips instantly as her eyes stared off into the distance. _How could she not know that I wanted her? That I want her? That I've spent every day of the past eight months __**wanting**__ her?_

"Sweetie, I wouldn't worry." Garcia grabbed JJ's hand from her mouth and held it in her lap.

"Wouldn't worry? This whole damn thing is a mess!"

"Honestly.. it sounds to me like you were kinda playing _each other_." Garcia shrugged, continuing when a flash of incredulous hurt adorned JJ's face once again. "Come on Jayje, it's all in the details.. Okay so, that first night, you didn't drink a damn thing and why was that? _Because_ you wanted to get Emily drunk and coerce things out of her when her guard was down without actually being drunk yourself so that you could fully experience it. And Emily.. well, Emily knew very well that you felt something for her. She isn't a stupid woman. Just like I'm sure she knew that you'd follow her into her apartment after she left.." She could see the distant look on JJ's face; the younger woman was clearly stuck some place beating herself up and she had to bring her back to the present. "But none of that matters, okay? The only questions that you need to ask yourself here is _do_ you really want her? I mean, really want her.. In a world where Will doesn't exist. And more importantly.. what does it all mean?"

"I.." It wasn't the most important issue at hand, but as soon as it crossed her mind she grumbled into her open palm. "This is my coming out story isn't it?"

"Ha, no love.." Garcia smirked. "That one, I think, is reserved for you kissing your best friend in your sleep and consequently realizing that you had not so PG feelings for her."

"Not funny.." JJ suppressed a smile. "And really, not much better either!"

"Hey guys!-"

The abrupt opening of the door startled both of them, but each woman breathed a sigh of relief as Morgan entered. A sigh of relief that lasted less than an instant for JJ when she realized that Garcia was about to invite him into their little conversation, but thankfully Morgan cut her off.

"-sorry baby girl. _Girls_. Hotch wants us in the conference room. Not sure why. His delightfully stoic expression is giving nothing away as ever."

Each woman jumped up to follow Morgan's retreating form, but as a thought crossed their mind, almost in perfect unison, they stopped; stopped and just stared at each other.

"I'm sure Emily picked them up, Jayje." Garcia quickly whispered as they bustled towards the conference room, her voice depicting a confidence that she didn't actually feel.

_Urgh.. I'm really not sure that's any better._ JJ grumbled to herself.

"Though.." Garcia added, nudging the blonde. "You might wana walk a little more fluidly than that."

The wink on Garcia's face only just outweighed the desire to yell at her for such a comment, but the door to the conference room and the five sets of expectant eyes staring at them stopped her.

"What we got?" JJ questioned mindlessly, hoping to distract everyone as her eyes subtly searched the ground for her panties.

"Am I really that bad to you guys?" Hotch asked, the strange presence of a small smile pulling so uncomfortably at his lips that his agents almost grimaced at the sight. "Um.. we got nothing."

"Soo.. why are we in here?" Reid questioned, his eyes narrowing.

"Oh god.." Emily groaned. "Did the ice queen change her mind? Are we all suspended again?"

"Actually – and you're about to feel incredibly guilty for this – she's given us the weekend off. Providing we get no pressing cases, of course." Hotch's subtle smile was now a full grin and his agent's had jumped from feeling uncomfortable towards the sight, to being oh so curious about it; a curiousity that they knew would never be accommodated even if they asked for it.

"Oh man.. that's brilliant." Morgan grinned as he moved quickly to leave the room but not before throwing a quick wink towards his friends. "If you'll excuse me, I have some phone calls to make. Lotta baby girl's about to have their weekends made if you know what I mean."

"We know what you mean." The whole team grumbled in unison, JJ's eyes still searching as subtly as possibly for her panties.

"Yes, thank you for that, Morgan." Hotch spoke again. "Now, if you're all capable of leaving without feeling the need to share the very intimate details of what you intend to do with your weekend, you are all excused."

She'd seen it – of course she'd seen it; she didn't get to be a profiler by stepping into the wrong interview – but she waited. Waited until everyone had left the room, waited until she had finally managed to coax away Garcia who was hovering protectively by the door, waited until JJ looked up and met her amused eyes.

"What?" JJ spat, feeling immediately guilty for her tone; especially after what she had just learnt thanks to Garcia. "I'm sorry.. I just.. I.."

"You just what?" Emily questioned, arms folded across her chest and some kind of almost smug look playing against her lips.

"I.." She looked around; making sure everyone else had left before whispering in panic. "I left my panties in here and now I can't find them!"

She couldn't help it; she laughed. Oh my god, did she laugh. "Good luck with that one."

"Wait.." JJ began as the brunette moved to leave, her voice wavering a little towards the end of her question. "Aren't you going to.. to help me?"

Her lips pursed, her head ducking briefly, and when her eyes met JJ's again, the smile in them had gone until all that was left was a firm seriousness. "JJ, I think my days of helping you are over. You have Will for that. Take care, and enjoy your weekend."

…_Enjoy your weekend alone._ Emily thought to herself as she left the room. _Enjoy your first weekend without either of us._

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><p><strong>Author's Note 2: <strong>So the part about JJ kissing Emily in her sleep whilst dreaming about Will? Yeah, that part is totally real. It happened when I was in college and it was one of the most embarrassing yet amusing things I've ever done. Thankfully, the recipient saw the humourous side too.. ;)**  
><strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: **I want to thank MTwkdtuna for the lovely review. You totally made my day! :) this chapter is for you.

**Author's Note 2: **Yesterday, I was considering not even finishing this story because I'm not sure many people are really that interested in it. That said, I know that some people **are** interested (the ones that have followed/faved/reviewed) so I will because it isn't fair to them to leave it incomplete. I just hope that those of you who are following it will leave me a little review once in a while. Even if it is negative, it really is what keeps me motivated and lets me know that I'm not wasting my time. So please, take the seconds to do so. It'll be much appreciated! :)

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><p><strong>Chapter Four: Chasing Heaven<strong>

_0.2mph;_

Your mind is buzzing, your whole brain is grating against your skull. One Ibuprofen, two Ibuprofen, three Ibuprofen, a full bottle of ice cold water, but still.. It cuts, and yet it numbs, and it pulls, and yet it pushes, and it really fucking hurts; and you know what you need. You know exactly what you need.

_1mph;_

It moves beneath your feet, a gentle shuffle that isn't quite enough, but it's a relieving promise. A promise that is reinforced by the backing music beginning a gentle rhythm in your ears. It's longing, it's need, it's your impatient fingers tapping impatiently against the bright yellow button; the bright yellow button that will take you there.

_2mph;_

Still not quite enough but you're getting there; so close and yet so far. Your muscles grow excited as they wave goodbye to the ache that they've felt for what seems like forever. Your fingers tap some more; 2.1, 2.2, 2.3, 2.4, 2.5.. Still climbing, still chasing that euphoric numbness.

_3mph;_

The music in your ears is in full swing now; drums, bass, guitars, that almost rustic voice of a guy singing beautiful melodies of living in a false reality and it all combines to push you. You can feel it in your heart. It's a subtle sensation at first, but the slowly increasing perspiration against your skin promises that once you're there, you will feel it right through to your bones. It will pierce through your uncertainty and paint your mind with clarity. It will.

_4mph;_

So close, so fucking close. It almost hurts now; your calves, your ankles, your feet. Even your hands that refuse to let go of the hand-grips ache, but it isn't time. Thud, thud, thud; the music reaches the chorus and bounces around your mind in time with your feet. Almost. You're so close. Flash; she's there. Right before your eyes. But you tap some more, grip at the handles.. and she's gone again. You're almost there.

_5mph;_

You're panting now – in, out, in, out, in, out – but it hurts so bad and you're so tempted to stop, to refuse yourself those moments of pure bliss that you know are just minutes away. But your fingers tap some more – tap, tap, tap; 5.1, 5.2, 5.3 – and you're so damn close. Your heartbeat thumps in your chest and your ears and you feel it at every pulse point, and you almost smile. Almost. But the fact that you're still aware of the people around you tells you that you're not quite there yet.

_6mph;_

You wait for it.. wait for the chorus to come back around. And as it builds, as it climbs to that beautiful semi-climax, you let go. Slowly, carefully, you release your hands and you're.. you're almost flying. No, not quite. Not quite yet. You need more speed but your fingers are already on it; tapping away – they never let you down. But the song has finished and now another melody fills your ears. Somewhat softer than the last but it works nonetheless; works better, actually and is the perfect accompaniment to your blissful transition.

_7mph;_

You want to sing.. you want to sing so bad, and you're not sure whether it's the song or the feeling in your gut, your chest; the one starting in your fingertips and flooding throughout your entire body. But you just.. you _need_ to sing.. Your heavy breaths remind you that you couldn't even if you tried though, and this brings out an anger in you: you've been denied. _Again_. Once a-fucking-gain and that anger moves your fingers – taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap – more times than you can count but you can feel it.. You can barely keep up now and your chest begins to hurt.

_11mph;_

It hurts. It hurts so fucking bad and your pants are so frequent now that they almost run into one long breath but then.. but then.. it comes. It _finally_ comes. That incredible feeling of total numbness that takes away literally everything else and for a moment you're almost certain.. no, you _are_ certain, that you've left your body and are watching yourself. Through crystal clear eyes, you are watching yourself chase something that you already have, longing to enjoy the feeling for just a moment longer.. just one more moment.. just one more..

_12mph;_

You were already there but you greedy and.. that pain.. that pain is new.. that's not usually..

"Are you _trying_ to kill yourself?"

Emily's hands grasped suddenly at the handles to keep herself from falling as the treadmill came to a sudden halt; and with her earphones still plugged firmly into her ears, she recognised the hand slammed against the emergency stop button before she saw it's owner, she noticed the somewhat angry look on Derek Morgan's face before she heard him.

Quickly removing her ear buds, her animal like pants finally filtered into her consciousness as she tried to keep herself steady on almost jelly like legs. "What's yo-your pro-problem?"

"My problem, Emily? I'll tell you my problem.." Morgan's eyes bored into her as he handed her a bottle of water. "The current world record time for running a mile is 3.43 minutes. That's 17.4mph. And that's the best of the best. I hate to break it to you, but you are not the best of the best, you're not even close to the best, and you damn well know that so tell me.. What is _your_ problem?"

"I.." Emily smiled, twisted her neck and looked away as she climbed down off of the treadmill, shrugging as she spoke again between gulps of water and gasping breaths. "I have no problem. We all.. all have to.. to push ourselves from time.. to time."

"To _death_?" Morgan almost squeaked.

"Oh stop being dramatic." The brunette laughed, her breathing still labored but settling a little as she plonked herself down on a purple mat and began stretching whilst Morgan looked down at her judgmentally.

"I'm not. I spend every day in here, I know what I'm talking about. Did you even check your heart rate? Those things are on there for a reason and not because it's a damn competition to get it as high as possible."

"Oh stop-"

"-no you stop, Emily." Morgan spoke seriously as he crouched down beside her. "It was only eight months ago that you were fighting for your life in an OR. Is it Doyle? Is that what this is about?"

"No." She stopped moving completely, her eyes daring Morgan to even go there whilst at the same time telling him clearly that that wasn't the issue.

"Then wha.." Morgan's eyes trailed momentarily before he snapped his fingers. "I got it! It's that girl you've been seeing."

"I-what-I.." Her words came out with such stuttering ineloquence that she almost laughed at herself. Thankfully though, that was also enough for her to snap back into reality. "Morgan, I've been back, what.. three days? How is there already a rumour about a girl I'm seeing?"

"Oh this is an old rumour.. But my guess is that if she meant enough to you before you well.. you know.." And she did know; they both knew – excruciatingly clearly. "Then.. I'm sure she still means the same to you now and.. Oh, I got it!" He added for the second time with another click of his fingers, seemingly very proud of himself for being the oh so great profiler that he was whilst Emily looked on both incredulous and curious as to what was going to come out of his mouth next. "She doesn't know you're alive, does she! That's it! And you're afraid to suddenly appear at her door like some Evil Dead shit. Though, you know, maybe without the evil part."

His beaming grin almost made her want to agree, to allow him to think that he was right, but bitter words slipped from her lips before she could stop them. "Oh she knows I'm alive. Cares.. well, that's a different story."

His smile faded instantly into an almost grimace. "She pissed that you faked your own death?"

"Something like that." Emily spoke mindlessly as she reached to touch her toes. She knew that that wasn't exactly what JJ was upset about - she knew that it was more the trivialising words that she had given her before she disappeared that had left her so angry - but under this circumstance, did JJ really have any right to be so upset? Wasn't that Emily's right? After all, she was the one helplessly chasing someone who wanted nothing more than one last fling before she settled down.

"She'll understand, ya know, Princess. You just gotta give her time."

"She's had eight months.." _Oh fuck_. Emily cringed inwardly as she realized that if Morgan had heard what she just said, really heard what she just said, then with just a couple of seconds of heading down the right path, he'd be able to deduce exactly who 'she' was, and that was the last thing that she wanted. She may have been angry, hurt, but no part of her wanted to out JJ before she was ready. She was certain that 'outting' wasn't really the correct word - no one could be a first time lesbian and be _that_ skilled with her tongue - but at the same time it really was. The fact that JJ clearly enjoyed dabbling in the more sapphic side of life obviously wasn't common knowledge throughout the team and it certainly wasn't an assumption that anyone would jump to. Hell, she never would have believed it before that tongue of hers..

"Well not really." Morgan spoke with a frown, clearly missing the vital clue in Emily's words. "She thought you were dead. Technically she's only had a couple days."

_Oh thank god._ She was grateful, oh so grateful, but a part of her did worry for the future of profiling if this was the BAU's protégé. Unfortunately, whilst mindlessly contemplating that, she was helpless to the further words that slipped from her apparently traitorous lips. "Yep, but a couple of days were enough to let me get her off in the conf-umm.." Her eyes widened; thankfully she wasn't facing Morgan directly. "C_onditions_! Such, such terrible weather conditions. We had sex outside." She shrugged her last sentence and then held her breath as she waited for Morgan to question her second nuance, but he didn't. God, for being so intelligent, this guy really was a little dumb.

"Prentiss, you dawg!" Morgan gave a swift punch to the brunette's upper arm as her grinned down at her. "So.. details. I wana know."

"Jesus, Morgan." Emily shook her head, smiling a little at how easily she had gotten past his super-elite ever-profiling mind as she pushed herself to her feet and tossed her towel into a nearby can. "You're as bad as Garcia."

"Wha.." Morgan stood to his feet, genuine hurt on his face. "My baby girl knew and she didn't tell me?"

"Well.." Emily began as she headed to her locker to grab her FBI issue hoodie and bag. "Not technically. I don't even know for sure that she _does_ know. Just," she shrugged, "you know what she's like."

"Hmm.." He mumbled to himself before latching onto another question. "So.. what's the issue then? If this girl still wanted you enough to share some Al Fresco lovin' with you then.."

"It isn't love, Morgan."

He'd clearly hit a nerve, and that one, he did not miss. "What is it, Princess?"

Emily pulled her hoodie over her head – a split second to hide the genuine look of sadness in her eyes – before she tossed her bag over her shoulder and spoke. "It's just sex. She needed something from me, I gave it, she left and I.."

"You what.."

She couldn't help it, a small smile that fell somewhere both regretful and amused graced her lips. "I.. stole her panties."

His laugh echoed throughout the large room, startling some of the agent's from their workout and Emily had to suppress her own laugh. "Oh my god, Em. Are you serious?" A small nod gave him his answer and he immediately reached towards her bag. "Lemme see."

"Hey, no." She shifted her body away before walking away from him entirely, continuing when he finally caught up. "I have to return them. It was funny at first but.. she's freaking out and.. well, I'm not an ass. Sometimes I wish I could be but.. alas."

"I could leave her a little surprise in-"

"-do not finish that sentence." Emily waved an almost angry hand dismissively, immediately cutting him off before whatever disgusting thought he was about to verbalise could be completed. "Anyway, what are you doing here? Don't you have some girl's heart to break?"

"You're one to talk." Morgan laughed, purposely glossing over the angry look that Emily shot him. "But you're right. Not until seven though. Gotta get my workout in before the real workout begins.."

She couldn't work out if she was disgusted or warmed by the infamous Derek Morgan wink that accompanied his words, but she loved him nonetheless; shook her head with a smile before walking away. "Don't pull anything, Morgan."

"You too!" He yelled to her retreating form. "And no more stealing!"

'_Cause I'm just thinking about us / I've been living in a dream about you / and now I know / you were all I ever wanted on my mind / And if I never see / my own reality / well I'm okay / to leave it all behind._

The song had stayed with her, long after Morgan had so rudely interrupted her moment of pure bliss, long after she'd miraculously managed to evade his curiosity, and when she'd finally made it to her car, she couldn't resist. She didn't care that the vehicle was probably thudding obnoxiously as she took the long route back to her condo, through quiet side streets that were no longer quiet in her presence; she didn't care as she rolled down the windows and belted out each and every lyric, because she wanted to sing and no one and nothing was going to stop her. She would not be denied again. She would not put her heart on the line and have it stomped all over, again. She would not help JJ cross that line and have herself stomped all over, again. No.

And yet.. after she'd finally made it back to her condo, after she'd stood beneath the shower spray humming the very tune that had carried her home, after she'd dried off and thrown on some more comfortable clothes; she found herself back in her car, heading directly for that line, the one that would either be crossed for the final time, or would disappear before her very eyes - her heart along with it.

And yet, too, it was a different song that carried her towards temptation, lead her in search of answers, drove her towards an end or a beginning – she really wasn't sure which – and that song was the same one that had filled her ears on many nights back in Paris. When she had stared out of her window at a breathtakingly beautiful skyline and saw nothing but emptiness. Same band, different message; same voice, different feeling; a much softer melody, a much different kind of pain.

_Between both these times / I drew a really thin line / It's nothing I planned / and not that I can / but you should be mine / across that line / If I traded it all / if I gave it all away for one thing / wouldn't that be something?  
><em>

Her finger tapped against the steering wheel, a somewhat mild gesture that was entirely deceptive and stupidly dishonest; because had she truly allowed herself to recognize the ache in her chest, the not-so subtle pain that the hum caused, the soul crushing way in which the lyrics unapologetically filtered into her mind; she may have turned this car around, headed in any other direction than the one that would lead her to..

"You can't be here."

And, with wide eyes disappearing into darkness, the door slammed just as quickly as it opened.

_I promise I might / not walk on by / maybe next time / but not this time. / ...Wouldn't that be something?_

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><p><strong>Author's Note 3: <strong>The two songs used are by Finger Eleven and are called Living in a Dream and One Thing. They're both pretty great; you should check them out if you've never heard them.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: **You guys are awesome. Do you all realise how much you made me smile over the past couple of days? Probably not, but you definitely did and I needed it considering I've been nursing several boxes of tissues and Sudafed for those few days. I'm happy to see that people really are following this story and are enjoying what I've written so far. Your feedback is my motivation so please, definitely keep it coming! :)

**MTwkdtuna:** Once again, thank you. You are wonderful. Don't worry, I have absolutely no intention of finishing this story with pointless filler, and whilst there will be cutesy moments, I'm not going to fill every single chapter with them - those moments will happen when they are supposed to happen, not because they've been forced. Perhaps that will lose me some followers, but.. This story is in the angst category for a reason. Having said that, I'm also not going to drag out the angst unnecessarily either. I know exactly what I want this story to be and how I want it to play out, and the only reason I'd have to change that route is if it became totally unrealistic and laughable. But hopefully that won't happen, haha.

**Author's Note 2:** Things are about to get pretty messy over the next couple of chapters (as if it wasn't already? haha) so you've been warned! :) A lot is about to come to light and we'll also find out pretty soon that there's a little more to JJ's conflict than guilt.

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><p><strong>Chapter Five: Dancing with Temptation<strong>

"I have something you may want." She spoke through the door, _quiet_ enough to not alert the neighbours and - considering that she was almost certain that the blonde was right on the other side waiting for her to leave - _loud_ enough for JJ to hear. And as the door clicked unlocked, she felt some kind of pride in the fact that she clearly hadn't lost her profiling skills in the months that she had been away.

All thoughts of pride dissipated as soon as she saw JJ peeking through the crack in the door though, and that twinkle in her eye was replaced with fear. Why the hell was she back here again? "Can I come in or would you like me to hand your panties over to you in the street?"

"Jesus, Emily." JJ berated as she grabbed the brunette's arm and dragged her inside, slamming the door behind her before looking towards the older woman impatiently. "Where were th-" Only her question was cut off by her own mind before it made it to fruition. "You had them all along, didn't you! Wow.. such astounding levels of maturity, Emily. And to think.."

"To think what?" Emily asked quietly, actually kind of hurt by JJ's words but she hid it well. Or so she thought.

JJ stared for a moment, stared like something in Emily's eyes changed everything that she was about to say. It wasn't just the faint glimmer in her eyes, though; it was the barely there red mark upon her porcelain cheek, the one that she had inflicted, that glared through her irrationally angry mind and blanketed that rage with something far softer. She shook her head dismissively. "Nothing. Would you like a drink?"

"Uh.. Wine, please, if you have it." Noticing the suddenly concerned look on JJ's face, Emily rolled her eyes and added somewhat bitterly. "Heh, don't worry, Jayje. I'm not gona get drunk and force you into something that you _don't want_ to do."

"I.. I wasn't concerned about that. I.." JJ shook her head once again. How had this ever happened? How had they gone from Emily bustling into her house and bypassing all pleasantries to reach for her wine rack - to her walking in timidly, requesting permission almost nervously for something that she would typically just take. What the hell happened?

"Then.." Emily began again, much softer than before as she tried to reign in her own irrational bitterness. "I'd like a glass of red please. Any kind you have is fine. I trust your taste."

A small nod graced the blonde's head as she walked away and Emily followed closely behind. It was strange seeing JJ's home; it was almost as though she had to readjust entirely each time that she encountered something from her shortly abandoned life. It wasn't a subtle progression of growing used to being back, being home; it was short, sharp, quick and abrupt bursts of a reality that felt new and familiar all at once. But Emily wasn't one for pain, and more than that, she wasn't one for dealing with that pain with anymore company than just herself – not even JJ.

"So.." She began, silencing her mind. "I'm guessing you spoke to Garcia?"

JJ's eyes dropped momentarily as she poured Emily and then herself a glass of wine. "I.. Yeah.. She.." Finally turning, JJ handed Emily her drink, along with the truth. "She knows about us."

The brunette almost choked on the sip that she had eagerly taken. "Seriously?"

JJ simply nodded as she wandered through to the lounge, plonking herself down on the couch whilst Emily sat on the one opposite. "Yep. She saw us on the CCTV." JJ shook her head for a third time; how had they been stupid enough to do something like that? "But it's fine.. She's a gossip queen but I think she knows when to keep quiet. After all.. she _is_ the reason that we don't already have the fraternization police on our hands."

Emily felt grateful, astoundingly grateful, and for the first time, she found herself truly considering the repercussions of her and JJ's actions. It wasn't that she had never thought about it before – it had been somewhere at the back of her mind throughout all of this. It was just that now - now that she was in Will and JJ's house for the first time since this had begun, now that she had been able to take a step back and see the wood beyond the trees, now that they had only mildly escaped being caught – it was impossible to ignore what they, together, had done. But as her mind drifted into the bottom of her wine glass, JJ broke the suddenly awkward silence.

"Em.." Soft blue eyes waited for brown. "I'm sorry. For.. for the slap, and for well.. _this_." She shrugged as her teary eyes briefly looked away before falling to the glass rolling between her hands. "I never intended for it to come to this, Emily. I never intended for any of this."

And she honestly hadn't, but did that really make a difference? She had let things get so out of control that trying to reign it in was like trying to stop a raging inferno with just her wafting hands. Of course, she had spent the past eight months certain that Emily had wanted absolutely nothing to do with her anymore - of course it would be messy now that she was suddenly back in her life like she she had never been gone. And it really was like she had never been gone - this morning had proved that - but it was also different now too.. somehow far more complicated than it had ever been. Perhaps that was because she had known what it felt like to lose Emily - an experience that she couldn't bear to endure again - but when that memory was accompanied by a small voice at the back of her mind telling her, _Yeah, but think about it JJ. Will you really ever choose her over Will? Will you really ever be able to admit the truth to yourself, or will you take the easy route like you have your whole life?_

"You don't.." Emily shook her head, unknowingly startling JJ from her thoughts. Her eyes turned vacant and she gave her response with an eerie calm that truly portrayed an absolute nothingness that she didn't actually feel. "You don't need to be sorry. When two people give in to _lust_ at the expense of someone else, it very rarely ends well for anyone when that game is over."

JJ flinched at the words that told her that this was over – something that _she_ wasn't even certain of yet - and the unconscious act semi-answered one of the questions that Garcia had put to her: whatever this was, she cared about it enough to not be ready for it to be over. Now.. now she just had to figure out what Emily really was to her; what she was to Emily; whether any of that was really enough. Was it? Would it ever be enough to make a decision that would change her entire life as she knew it?

And then there was that word.. _lust_. Often mistaken for love, and the most easy of all feelings to surrender to. It was one word, one syllable, and yet when it rolled off of Emily's tongue, it felt like she'd just been given an entire lecture on just why it was that this should have never begun. It probably shouldn't have begun - no, it _really_ shouldn't have begun - but if that was true, why did it feel so damn.. _right_, every time Emily touched her? Why did she feel freer than she had in her entire life when she kissed Emily? Why was she bathed in sudden clarity each time she came beneath Emily's touch? Why did she care that Emily, almost certainly, had felt that too? If it was just lust then.. why would that matter?

"What did you do in Paris, Emily?" The question fell without permission from her lips and opened a door that she, until this point, hadn't allowed herself too. It was far more subtle than, 'Is this just fucking to you?' and would leave her much less vulnerable than, 'Did you really miss me when you were gone?'. As well as that, it would too, hopefully, allow Emily some kind of fearless freedom to open up to her without inadvertently forcing her to shrink further behind her notorious walls. _Not a good profiler.._ JJ mused. _I'll show her._

Emily's brow furrowed; as far as random irrelevant questions went, that was pretty high up on the list, and to be honest, she didn't particularly want to answer. There had been something in JJ's apology that had given her the answer that she had come here for in the first place - an answer that she wasn't particularly rooting for, but an answer nonetheless. It was that cliche line, subtly hidden in eloquence that JJ had always seemed to possess: _I'm sorry, this was fun, but I just don't feel like playing anymore_. So why would she now willingly add salt to her own wounds and make it far more difficult to compartmentalise this like everything else in her life? "W-why do you wana know?"

"I _need_ to know." JJ swilled the red liquid in her glass before looking up again. "Just like you needed to know in the beginning, Emily. You needed to know and I never told you.." The instant discomfort and sadness in Emily's eyes told her that she was right - that Garcia had been right - and the regret that she felt was enough for her to use her one and only bargaining chip to finally reach some kind of more definitive decisions in this whole uncertain mess. "But if you tell me what you did in Paris then.. then I'll tell you what I.. I'll just.." She sighed. "I'll tell you, Emily." Would she really keep her side of that bargain?

Emily's sad eyes looked up briefly; she knew what JJ was referring too and it pained her to remember it. Even back then, on that very night, she knew that she should have stopped. Each _stop_, each _please don't_ cut like a knife through her pretense - her pretense that this was as real as it felt to her - but the pain soothed as much as it hurt because she had JJ whimpering into her every kiss, her every touch, and she was powerless to stop it. But it did beg the question, why did JJ want to know? Was it possible that JJ really had missed her like she had missed JJ whilst she was gone? Was it possible that that could really be enough to change the inevitable outcome of this whole game? "Honestly?"

JJ nodded. "Please.."

"I.." Emily took a deep breath for courage and stood to her feet to wander in no particular direction. "I wrote." She nodded, briefly allowing her teary dark eyes to meet JJ's before she turned away again. "I wrote about the city of love, I wrote about.. _love_. I wrote about the tragedy of having your love torn away from you. I wrote so much that I probably have almost three books that no one will ever read because.." She ghosted her fingers along the back of the sofa, memorizing the material, almost like she was afraid that she was going to have to leave it behind again – just like she had with her own apartment, just like she had with her favourite coffee shop, just like she had with the BAU. "I highly doubt that Interpol would ever give me the clearance to publish such stories. And.." And then she saw it; the photo, sitting so casually upon the mantelpiece, oblivious to the fact that it was responsible for the pounding ache in her chest. The one of Will's, and Henry's, and even JJ's smiling and bright eyes – a look of love, and happiness, and a perfection that she wished that she could ever be capable of providing the blonde with. She turned purposely towards JJ with a different expression on her face to the one that had been there before, downing the last of her wine before speaking her last sentence. "They say that the beauty of writing is in the detail. And I'm not sure that your boyfriend would care for such details."

Pain flashed in JJ's eyes, just like she was certain that Emily was hoping for it too. She allowed her a moment to take that pain that she apparently wanted to see, before taking the brunette's wine glass from her and wandering through to the kitchen to refill it. "Do you believe in fate, Emily?"

Did she? She somewhat recalled believing in such a naive notion at one point throughout her life, but that had long ago been shattered beyond repair. Now, all she believed in was reality, a small part of her believed in love, and an even smaller part than that believed that love could last against all odds. "No, Jayje. I don't."

"Then what _do_ you believe?" JJ asked calmly, ignoring the sadness in her chest as she returned with the wine bottle and two refilled glasses.

She didn't particularly believe in fate herself – something about the whole '_if two people are truly supposed to meet then they will_' notion just seemed ridiculous in a world with such a vast size and population – but when she put it into perspective, really stopped for a moment and thought about it, she wondered if it really was all that ridiculous. The only reason that Emily was in her life at all was because of an undercover operation; the outcome of which no one could have predicted, and of all the places that she could have been relocated, it was in her state, her workplace, her unit. The only reason that they had first kissed was because of an almost fully booked hotel and a dream that she really did not have control over. The only reason that she had wound up within such close proximity to Emily after that and ultimately ended up sleeping with her was because the brunette's car had broken down. The only reason that she wasn't married yet, to that perfect guy who loved her with everything he had, was _because_ of that night that had changed everything. And the only reason that they had wound up back together was because, no matter how hard they tried to do it without her, they had needed her to crack Ian Doyle. How could she _not_ believe in fate?

"I.." Emily trailed off as she returned to her spot on the sofa and took a sip of her second glass of wine. She opened her mouth to speak again, but one look towards JJ left her suddenly believing in everything that she had once thought to be bogus. Her brow wrinkled in an effort to erase those pathetic fairytale notions. "What's your point, JJ?"

"Honestly.." JJ laughed humourlessly, taking a large gulp of her own wine. She had had this so intricately mapped out in her mind, but now that map was gone and she was once again lost and wading through a disarray of confusion and conflicted feelings. "I don't know. But you have.. you have these walls that I find myself so desperate to break through. I have no real reason but I want to know what's behind your smile, behind your vacant eyes and your strong exterior. I just.. I just wana know you, Emily. What does that _mean_?"

If this was any other situation, Emily would have been able to give an answer with complete confidence: _"It means that you're in love, JJ."_ But this wasn't any other situation; this was _the_ situation, the one that mattered more than she had ever intended for it to, or ever even considered that it could. And there were two things swirling in those baby blues that were staring back at her expectantly: love, and fear - two of the strongest emotions known to man and she honestly couldn't work out which would reign victorious. So she lied, both to herself and to her occasional lover. "I don't know what it means, JJ."

"Yes you do." JJ spoke boldly, shocking even herself; a sudden confident fearlessness burning in her bright eyes. "I can see it in your eyes.. You know, just like I do." Perhaps it was down to the wine, perhaps it was wishful thinking, perhaps she was clutching at straws in her ever-increasingly confused state; but she couldn't bear this.. any of it. She wanted back everything that they used to have; only, at the same time, she didn't, because that would mean being without the rest of it. She was lost. So fucking lost; torn between hazy possibilities that scared her and ignorant resignations that left her feeling empty. Placing her glass on the coffee table, JJ spoke again, almost hopefully. "You know what it means, Emily."

"Does it _matter_?" Emily bit back as the photograph on the mantel caught her attention once again. It was impossible, when in the house that the woman she.. _had been sleeping with_, shared with her boyfriend, to ignore the fact that JJ _did_ have a boyfriend; a loving boyfriend who treated her right and had given her the one thing that she herself would never be able to. She was in the house of a guy who had, over time, actually become a friend to her and she was crushing him without him even realizing it – seemingly without his girlfriend even _caring_ about it. Why would she want anything at all to do with a person like that? "Does any of this matter at all, JJ?"

Tears burnt at JJ's eyes. It was all wrong. She was being selfish and she knew it – a few of her fleeting thoughts briefly on the same page as Emily's - but that didn't change the fact that it _did_ matter to her. My god, it mattered to her; far more than it rightfully should under this circumstance, and it had to matter to Emily too.. It just had to.

"Do you remember what I asked you that first night?" Emily posed the question when JJ didn't respond.

"I.." JJ thought for a moment before she remembered the question; the question that had been so painful and yet so enlightening at the same time. "You asked me if I was a liar or a cheater."

"I did." A burst of air jumped from Emily's lips in a humourless laugh as she swirled the remnants of the dark red liquid in her glass. "And I thought you'd given me your answer that night. I thought that night alone was your answer. But I realise now.." She made eye contact with JJ. "I realise now that I still don't know the answer. Honestly.. I think you're both."

She wanted to scream. She wanted to yell, _how can you possibly say that?!_ But she knew exactly how Emily could say that. Emily had every _right_ to say that. And she had acquired those rights from the moments that she had indicated with her words that she didn't want her, but showed her with her body that she did; from the moment that she had purposely plied her with alcohol and then abandoned her with more questions than answers; from the moment that she had opened her front door and allowed her into her home, the home that she shared with the guy that she _still_ intended to marry one day. She had acquired those damn rights legitimately, and yet, when JJ opened her mouth to speak, she gave her even more reason to question her. She knew where this conversation was going, and she couldn't lose her. She just couldn't - even if she did know that she'd never stop being the coward that she was, even if it did make her entire conversation with Garcia somewhat redundant. "Come here, Emily."

The look in JJ's eyes was unmistakable; it was the same look that she had had the night that she had followed her back to her condo; it was the same look that she had had just this morning as she peered down at her from the conference room table; it was the same look that had pushed her to plead for no contact that night in Paris. It was bad look; a warning. And yet she found herself hypnotised by it, lured into the dark temptation that kept her enthralled.

She dipped her head to avoid those eyes, and the words that left her lips were no more than a shaky whisper. "JJ.. I can't do that. We're in your boyfriend's house. I _can't_ do that."

"Yes, you can." JJ breathed, her fingers already working at the buttons of her shirt. "Come here."

Tears filled Emily's eyes but she bit them back. It was bad enough that she had played any part in this affair and played so cheap with both hers and Will's heart, but doing it in the guy's own house was a boundary that she would not cross.. _Would_ she? "JJ." The use of that one single word was intended to be a warning, but she couldn't ignore the longing between her thighs; the yearning, the want, the desire to close this seemingly mile long gap between them and give in to this excruciating temptation that seemed to follow her everywhere that she went – even when that everywhere had been thousands of miles away. But before she could weigh up her options, a dark grey skirt was riding up over tan legs just like it so easily had that morning, and those tan legs were straddling themselves over her own lap; tempting fingers were tossing away a cotton shirt and pink lips were whispering into her ear like a siren.

"I _want_ you to touch me, Emily." JJ spoke purposely. "And I _don't_ want you to stop. Not ever." It wasn't a lie, not really – but it was also true that she knew exactly where those words would get her, exactly _what_ they would get her, and she was far from oblivious to just how manipulative that truly made her.

Those words caused her head to snap up and her resolve to shatter in the same instant. Those damn words.. the ones that she had longed to hear that night many months ago, destroyed her resolve almost beyond repair. She had come here tonight looking for her own answers. But the answers that she had gotten had left her with more questions than her mind could process, as well as the sudden realisation that she really was a fool. How many times had JJ done this? To how many women? How many men? How many times had she so unapologetically had her cake and eaten it too? Was _she_ simply another idiot that had fallen for her deceptive innocence?

When Emily still didn't move, but simply stared at her, somewhat how she stared at a case file that just didn't add up; JJ reached her hands behind her own back and removed her bra, allowing her full breasts to meet the cool room air and she wasted no time taking the brunette's hands in her own and placing them directly against her already hardening nipples.

She gasped, they both did, and tears formed in her own eyes. She knew that Emily was right, she really _was_ both; she knew it, but she didn't want to. She didn't want to think about the photograph on the mantel that she purposely had her back to, and she didn't want to think about the tears swirling in Emily's darkening eyes either. Her mind was a train wreck, and just like she had done before, she wanted to walk by that mess, pass the responsibility onto someone else rather than pick up the shards of what it once was and put it back together.

It was almost a minute before there was movement. Almost a minute before she felt those heavenly fingers brush over her nipples, but when it happened she cried out in relief of both the physical sensation and the indication that she had gotten her reprieve for just a little longer, that she could ignore the conflict in her chest for just a moment more, that she could act like none of this was real for just one more minute and at the same time, bask in the fact that it was - that it was Emily's hands on her, that it was Emily's scent surrounding her, that it was Emily's breaths filtering like a beacon of light into her foggy brain and making her feel more safe, and clear, and complete than she ever had in her entire life.

But what she didn't know was that on the other side of that movement, the beginnings of a decision that would shatter her entire world was taking place. It was the moment that would cause those words, _do not contact me_, to be uttered again in just a matter of months from now; it was the moment that would lead to end her ignorant denial for good; it was the moment that her own fear and indecision would cause bravery and certainty to rise elsewhere in the ashes of the destruction that she herself had caused.

It was _that_ moment; the moment that she was so engrossed in and yet actually knew nothing at all about. But when that ignorance was accompanied by fingers now tugging harshly on her nipples and almost black eyes watching her like they wanted to devour her; how could she have known otherwise? How could she have known that though Emily was right there, she was actually nowhere around? How could she?

She didn't, which is why, when Emily wrapped her lips around her aching nipple and sucked and licked with abandon, and she unconsciously arched herself into the contact; she was more surprised than the brunette by the tears that suddenly sprung from her eyes and the honesty that left her lips. "I _am_ both." She sobbed. "I am both, and I am so sorry."

Emily was stunned, her mouth still partially open against JJ's breast as she looked up at her with confusion swirling in her dark eyes. She moved to pull back as JJ's sobs increased; to hold her and comfort her but the blonde stopped her.

"No." She sniffled almost desperately, her flushed cheeks stained from her tears. She couldn't lose this; not now, not ever. "Please don't stop. I meant it Emily, I don't want you to stop."

"But I.." Did JJ really want this? She only had a moment to ponder that question any further before her hand was forcibly shoved beneath the blonde's skirt and immediately into the wetness that awaited her. She helplessly groaned as her fingertips grazed through the slick folds between JJ's thighs and her forehead met JJ's chest in both defeat and desire.

JJ rocked her hips with a whimper and wrapped her arms around Emily's head; stroked her hair in a gesture that completely contradicted the way that she had so abruptly forced the brunette's hand between her legs. She parted her thighs a little further, relieved when Emily took the hint and plunged three fingers deep inside her; and that comforting stroking motion that her own hands had picked up against the brunette's dark tresses just moments before became more of a tight grip with each thrust inside her as silent tears streamed down her cheeks.

"You're.." JJ spluttered, unable to ignore the conflicted pain in her chest any longer as the beginnings of her orgasm bubbled already within her. "You're here.." It spread and it spread with each thrust, with each determined curl of skilled fingers; overtaking her so quickly like she had been waiting for this for so long - essentially, she had - and her entire body tightened along with her grip on Emily's hair. "And that makes you.. Oh fuck-" And right before that rising feeling deep within her came to a full climax, she forced. "And that makes you a liar too!"

Emily was stunned once more; her head shooting back and her eyes darting to JJ's right at the moment that the blonde's orgasm tore through her. She was angry, and yet somehow too, still considerate enough to allow the blonde the time to ride out her pleasure. But once she had, once those tremors against her fingertips had ceased, she gently removed her fingers, grabbed the blonde firmly by the hips and moved her to the sofa as she stood to leave. "I am many things, JJ. But I am not a lair. So to answer your earlier question.. _it means you're in love_. The reason that you apparently want to know me, is because you're in love and you are too much of a coward to admit. Not only that, but you're too selfish to realise that you're _killing_ me.. that you're killing me with everything move you _fake_, every damn word you say because I'm in love with you too."

She couldn't believe what she had just admitted, but the anger boiling through her veins was enough to push her to spew several more venom laced words before fleeing the house. "I am not a liar, and I won't lie for you either. Get back to me when you can say the same." _But_ _I'm sure that's a day that'll never come._

JJ's bare chest heaved as a new wave of tears hit her with Emily's slamming of the door. She felt like someone had just ripped her heart out and done so with a smile on their face. But that someone, she couldn't deny, was herself.. _Please don't leave like this, Emily._


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note:** Have I told you how much I'm enjoying writing this story? Probably more so than any other that I've written.. And it's so wonderful to hear that you're all enjoying it too!

**Author's Note 2:** Two things:

1; Apparently I'm not quite done being sick yet which is why you didn't get an update yesterday. I'm hoping after a good (full) night's sleep though, that I'll be able to get back to daily updates. I just hope that this chapter isn't lacking due to my sleep-deprivation/sick-ness.

2; Also, quick apology for the constant flip between American and British English. I am British, but I have an American laptop that likes to alter my words without me knowing and sometimes I don't catch all of them. I don't think it makes a difference to how understandable the story is though...

**MTwkdtuna:** I've never even thought about how much I use the word 'whilst' before. I think it's a very British thing - as my American in-laws often like to remind me. But plonking.. Apparently that isn't even a word lol, but I like it so I ignored Microsoft. Whadda they know? ;) I will, just for you though, try to use something other than 'whilst' in this chapter.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Six: <em>Damn Fairytales<em>**

_I am not a liar.._

She flung one leg over the comforter and spread her arms across the untouched cotton beneath the pillows of this empty bed; the cold should have been refreshing on an unbearably humid, August night but all it served to do was send an unwelcome chill down her spine.

_The reason that you apparently want to know me, is because you're in love and you're too much of a coward to admit.._

She turned her head the other way, flinched back and buried it into the pillow once her eyes met with the loving and oh so perfect photograph on her bedside table that portrayed a happy family; right beside the bottle of lotion that Will rubbed into her skin for her every night, and the alarm clock that woke her for her days with Emily.

_You're too selfish to realise that you're killing me with every move you fake, with every damn word you say, because I'm in love with you too.._

She hadn't asked for this. She never wanted to feel this way and honestly, she was quite sick of crying; even as the pillow beneath her absorbed her tears to satiation, rejected them and returned them to her flushed cheeks, reminding her that their presence held no right. _She_ had no right. She had only her own cowardice to blame and yet, those tears seemed to be a constant fixture these days. How had she managed to create such a storm of chaos? And actually, had she done anything to prevent it, or had she encouraged it into fruition? This wasn't fate; this was her doing. _She_ had made this happen.

Suddenly, she understood things that she never had before: the justification behind the lies that people tell; the logic that keeps those lies going even when the reality of the destruction that they're causing breaks in; the subtleties that lead people to blindly commit traitorous acts and only realise it when there's a blanket of their betrayal at their feet. She wasn't a bad person, of that she was completely certain, but was that certainty a lie too? Was she anything but a liar anymore?

Oh that's right; she was a cheater too.

It must have been hours that she laid in that darkness; repeating Emily's words over in her mind, but not really listening to them at all. Where Emily had protested that she wasn't a liar, all JJ had heard were more lies - even if they were merely a reflection of her own. Where Emily had admitted feelings, so many feelings, all she had heard was the rush of guilt in her own conscience. And where Emily had so harshly hit the nail on the head and outted her own feelings before she herself had had the chance to, she had heard nothing. Not a damn thing. She didn't want to hear it, she didn't want to know it, and she certainly didn't want to admit it.

But when her phone buzzed at 4am, her purposeful flailing came to a sudden and abrupt halt.

"Hey." She answered in a groggy voice without checking the caller ID; the way that she had answered the phone in itself clearly depicting the disarray in her mind. But the caller had their own disarray to be concerned with and they completely bypassed all pleasantries to cut straight to the chase.

"Chere, I think we need to talk.."

JJ shot bolt upright in her bed; her eyes panicked and wide, her heart hammering in her chest. Did he know? How did he know? Had Emily told him? Had Garcia told him? Had he just figured it out?

"Jayje.. Jayje, are you there?" Will sighed. "Please be there.. I need to tell you this before I lose my nerve."

Relief flooded JJ's body, only to return again when she finally recognised the conflict in her boyfriend's voice; conflict mixed with a distinct slurring of words that indicated his clear intoxication. "Are you _drunk_?" She spat, accusatory. "Where's Henry?"

"He's with my mom. I went out with a few buddies from high school and.." Will sighed once more. "I'm so sorry, Jayje. I-"

"Will, just spit it out!" She was getting frustrated now, even if that frustration was a transferred manifestation of her own guilt. She knew that he didn't deserve it, but the knot that was already in her chest and the mess that was already in her mind was enough without this added to it too.

"I um.. I.." Composing himself, Will did indeed spit it out. "I cheated on you, JJ."

_You have got to be kidding me!_ The thought was more directed at the fact that this whole situation had just become something out of a bad TV drama, and in fact, she hadn't even blinked at the fact that her boyfriend had cheated on her – something that should have answered every question that she had ever had about her 'relationship' with Emily and her 'relationship' with Will. But when a voice on the end of the line spoke again, she realized that what was purely intended to be a thought had actually left her lips.

"I-I'm not joking. I wish I was. Jayje, I swear it meant nothing. I was drunk and it just.. it just happened." When he got no response, Will spoke again. "JJ, are you still there? JJ? Please say something. Please."

JJ blinked several times, attempting to wrap her head around the whole situation - but she hadn't accomplished that before she had learnt this new nugget of information, so it certainly wasn't going to happen now. "Um, I'm-I'm here."

"Are you.. okay?"

Wasn't that just the million dollar question.. Was she okay? Was she hurt? And more than that, was she hurt because of Will, or hurt because of herself? Because of what she had done, or rather not been able to _say_, to Emily..

Her answer came like a train in the night, causing the ground to rumble beneath her as the blinding truth shrouded her in clarity; and now she wanted nothing more than to be off of the phone with Will and in her car on her way to Emily's. "I'm fine, Will. I need to go."

"Please don't be like that, JJ. Please. I will doing anythi-"

"Will, I'm not being like anything. We will talk when you get back. But right now, I need to get off this phone."

Assuming that JJ simply needed time to get her head around his transgression, Will had no choice but to agree. "Okay. I'll.. I'll call you tomorrow. I really am sorry, Jennifer. I love you."

"You too." That was all she could muster and she had ended the call before she had even managed that.

**CM-CM-CM**

"I _am_ in love with you!" She practically yelled as a half asleep Emily opened the door and peered at her through disorientated, squinting eyes.

"_What_?" Emily shook her head. "JJ, it's almost five am. Couldn't this have waited until a more respectable hour?"

"I don't care." JJ spoke as she pushed by Emily and into her apartment. "I don't.. _care_ what time it is, Emily. I don't care at all. Because if I don't say this right now then I probably never will. You were right. I _am_ in love with you. I am so in love with you and I am absolutely terrified of admitting that, and I am even more terrified of facing what that really means." Tears pricked at her eyes as she became flustered with each non-existent expression in Emily's. "This is such a mess, Emily.. But I.. I can't ignore what it means anymore. I can't pretend that I don't want everything with you, and I can't continue to pretend that I _do_ want everything with Will. I _am_ a liar, and I _am_ a cheater, and I hate myself for that, but I'm not lying to you now." She calmed herself, taking steps towards Emily before she delivered her next sentence. "I want _you_, only _you_. And I'm going to leave Will. I _won't_ pretend anymore. I've been given a second chance with you coming home and I.. I can't let that pass me by."

She was right - she had been given a second chance. Only, it wasn't the one that she assumed it to be, and little did she know that that mistake was going to set in motion a long line of many more.

Emily put her hands out briefly in no real gesture, before slapping them down against her thighs in exhaustion and shaking her head with an equally exhausted sigh. "JJ, I am 44 years old. This isn't high school. And I am too old to be chasing you and your _damn_ fairytales."

"You don't need to chase me, Emily." JJ reasoned and caught the brunette's wandering eyes by placing a hand against her chin. "I'm right here. All of me.. I am so sorry that I never told you before. That I allowed you to think that I just wanted.. I don't know, _this_ from you.. and that I didn't even want that. I'm so sorry, Emily."

"What's different?" Emily questioned evenly as she stepped back and dared to lock eyes with JJ. "What is so different now that brought you to my door at five am?"

"I.." JJ swallowed. Could she really tell Emily that what had actually brought her to this realisation and consequently to her door, was the fact that, ironically enough, her boyfriend had cheated on _her_? Wouldn't that just bring everything that she had just said into question? "I couldn't sleep. I had a lot of time to think after you left."

Mistake number two. If this life-altering turn of events wasn't making her so crazy and forcing her to question every inch of who she was, then she would have seen that mistake long before it loomed on the horizon. But as it was, she wouldn't recognize it right now, or even when she woke up; it would be a further twenty-eight hours before she would see, in all it's painful clarity, that she should have made this moment something else - that she had already wasted that second chance before she was even really given it.

Something in Emily's gut told her, screamed at her, not to fall for it, but not one person on this whole planet could justifiably blame her for what she did next – even if she herself would come to blame herself at a later date. After the night that she had had since fleeing JJ's house - after the over-thinking, and the impossible obliviousness, and the idiocy of falling at JJ's feet again - she was so blinded by this new and now very real possibility that she just smiled. A real, genuine, relieved smile as this new door opened before her. And along with that smile, she stepped forward and brushed her lips against JJ's; and along with that kiss, she whispered. "Tell me what you want, JJ."

JJ ducked her head and pressed her forehead to Emily's, stilling the brunette's wrists before she could begin anything; the only right decision that she had made all night. "I want you." She whispered truthfully. "I just want to sleep with you, and actually sleep. I just want to be close to you and I want to wake up next to you."

Emily's heart soared in ways that she hadn't felt since that last night in Paris; the night when she had all but confessed her love and had been certain, very almost certain, that she had seen that same love reflected in the blonde's eyes. More than lust, more than curiousity and the need to experiment before she settled down with Will; but real, actual love. Any thoughts of Will's pain had long abandoned her since JJ had spoken those words. This was _her_ chance at a happy ending - one that didn't involve seedy trysts in hotel rooms and the back seat of her car that never passed beyond the physical act of fucking; at least not officially.

Stepping back and reaching out for JJ's hand, Emily discarded every ounce of logic that she had acquired throughout her forty-four year existence and smiled. "I can do that, JJ. Let's go to bed."

**CM-CM-CM**

It was almost noon when JJ awoke later that day, and as her sleepy blue eyes fluttered open and met soft brown, a genuine smile crept across her lips. This feeling was surreal. It was perfection; clear, untainted perfection that felt every bit as natural as it did new. "Good morning, you."

"Good morning, _you_." Emily smiled, rolling onto her side and taking the same position as JJ; her right hand below the pillow, the other flat against that pillow but beneath her cheek.

A part of her didn't dare move; afraid to shatter this moment of heaven – and it truly was heaven. She'd never imagined on all those nights that she had watched JJ pull on her clothes as she answered her phone to Will's concerned voice, that she'd be waking up next to her - _not_ because her boyfriend was out of town, but because she had chosen _her_. She had actually chosen her and she was so afraid of this moment hazing away before her very eyes like her dreams so cruelly had on so many occasions. But she wanted to touch, and she wanted to caress, and she wanted to kiss, and she wanted to fully allow herself to appreciate this moment for what she was naively certain that it was. She wanted to paint it on the walls of her mind like decorating a blank canvas for the first time, to ensure that she never forgot it; this defining moment. And she wouldn't. Ever.

"What are you thinking?" JJ questioned with her brow furrowed.

"I'm thinking.." Emily began as she scooted closer to JJ, propping herself up on her elbow and allowing her left hand to dip beneath the heated cocoon of the comforter and just her fingertips to graze over an almost bare back. "That I have a beautiful woman in my bed, and I'm just trying to decide what I'm going to do with her."

"Oh yeah?" JJ smiled, another genuine smile that mostly made its presence known in her eyes as she felt a familiar arousal between her thighs with each brush of Emily's fingertips. "Well do you think that that supposedly beautiful woman in your bed could take a shower before you decide what you're going to do with her?" Leaning up to Emily's ear, she whispered. "She's still not had the chance to shower since your mouth _decided what to do with her_ yesterday."

Emily groaned at the memory, purposely blocking out the part where she had totally said the wrong thing and instead focusing on the insatiable look that had been in JJ's eyes, the way that her mouth had parted slightly as she thrust her fingers into wetness that was solely for her. The former didn't matter now, did it? What she had said didn't matter? A small portion of her brain reminded her that she still hadn't really gotten an answer, but when that reminder was accompanied by the reality that JJ was here, in her bed, with desires for a future with her still lingering on her inviting lips, it really stood no chance - that alone _was_ the answer. She didn't need more; this, the right now, was far more than enough.

"Actually.." Emily pushed herself up and over JJ, purposely lingering as she straddled the blonde to press a kiss to her lips before continuing to climb off of the bed. "I have a better idea."

Ten minutes later saw them both stood beneath the spray of Emily's wall length shower; no cleaner than they were before they climbed in and actually probably a whole lot dirtier. And no more than ten minutes after that, saw both women stumbling out of that shower, blindly falling through a bathroom door and into Emily's bedroom with content smiles and brief kisses and teasing, almost exploratory caresses lining their path.

"It's.." JJ began between uneven breaths. "Amazing how much I.." _Kiss._ "Always.." _Kiss_. "Want you.." And it truly was. It didn't matter that Emily had just brought her to an earth-shattering climax against the wall of her shower, or that just hours ago she had experienced the same thing; because the need within her was dire, almost like she hadn't come in years and she found herself wanting to do everything, try everything, experience everything, all at the same time.

"It's because I make you make this sound.." Emily smirked as she wrapped her mouth around JJ's nipple and sucked. "Or this one.." She turned JJ to face away from her and pressed featherlight kisses to the back of her neck where she knew the blonde to be especially sensitive. "Or this one.." She allowed her fingertips to ghost down the blonde's tummy, over her hip and across a toned thigh and basked in the wondrous sounds that emanated from Jennifer Jareau's lips. "Did I make my point yet?"

JJ nodded slowly as took Emily's hands in her own and kissed each one of her fingers, before wrapping those loving arms tight around her waist and resting her own atop of them. "You make me feel safe, Emily.." She whispered honestly as she traced the faint hairs on the brunette's arms. "You make me feel like.. Like it really could be okay."

Emily's brow furrowed as she nuzzled her chin against JJ's shoulder. "Like what could be okay, baby?"

JJ lifted her eyes to the ceiling like that would magically force the tears shrink back inside her skull. Emily wasn't like most people, and she knew that even if it did work, the brunette would still recognise the glossiness in her eyes; the emotions that she knew for sure were currently swirling in them. She'd notice, and she'd care. So, instead, she wrapped Emily's arms around her a little tighter and waited for the question to pass. It didn't, but instead it was replaced with an unspoken understanding, and a new wave of grateful tears graced JJ's already watery, blue eyes.

"What do you need, JJ?"

She was right; Emily really wasn't like most people. She was everything that she had been searching for through all these years.. Through every night that she spent lying in someone else's arms, wondering what was missing; for every night that her fingertips had dipped below her own panties, creating the most exquisite feeling and yet also leaving her empty; for every night that she had spent sadly certain that this stubbly kiss upon her cheek was as good as it gets - Emily was her answer, her everything.

Smiling through her tears, JJ turned in Emily's arms and locked her fingers behind the brunette's neck, peered up into chocolate orbs and allowed Emily to see the tears in her own. "I just need you, Emily. I always needed you.. and I _found_ you. What are the chances of that?"

"I bet Reid could tell us." Emily joked, her sincere eyes twinkling as she traced lines across JJ's lower back. She was concerned for the tears that she could see swirling in blue, of course, but she was simply happy that she had managed to bring a smile to JJ's face. "And I'm sure, if we asked really nicely, he'd even draw diagrams and graphs for us too."

"His innocent little mind would _explode_ if he knew the things you and I had been up to." JJ laughed; still amazed that Emily always seemed to know exactly what she needed even when she herself didn't. "Though, that would be a fun conversation to have just to see his stuttering response."

"Oh god.. could you imagine?" Emily's husky laugh fell from her lips before she put on her best Reid voice that actually sounded nothing like the young doctor at all. "Uh, well.. Statistics do show that blonde's tend to enjoy the more oral side of sex whil-"

"You're an ass." JJ rolled her eyes, turning from Emily only for the brunette to pull her right back, press their foreheads together and push her back towards the bed with a smug grin.

"Yep." She whispered against JJ's lips. "But I'm _your_ ass." She brushed her lips teasingly over JJ's, pulling them back with a bigger smirk when the blonde tried to kiss her. "And you love me." She allowed her thumbs to graze very low on JJ's abdomen as she pushed the blonde further across the spacious room. "Jennifer Jareau loves _me_. Now.. What are the chances of that?"

"I don't know but they're.." JJ words dried up on her tongue as Emily's thumbs dipped lower still. " They're about.. about to get drastically slimmer if you keep teasing me like that.."

"Oh.." Emily raised an eyebrow as she nudged JJ backwards one final time, continuing when the blonde fell to the bed with a soft bounce. "We wouldn't want that, would we?"

"Nuh-huh.." JJ smirked; a purposely deceptive glimmer of innocence in her eyes as she leant back on her forearms and hooked her feet behind the brunette's legs to pull her closer.

Emily licked her lips before capturing the bottom one between her teeth as she peered down at the blonde with lust in her eyes. _Love_ in her eyes. JJ was truly a sight to behold as she stared back at her, daring her, encouraging her and she couldn't help the quick succession of possibilities that ran through her mind as she leaned down and pressed her lips directly below JJ's breast, her stomach, her upper thigh. She knew, somewhere at the back of her complex mind that these transgressions were far from okay. Even if they had come to a definitive decision - Will still had no clue, they were still lying to him, they were still breaking is heart. But those morals were a weak opponent when thrown in the ring against this.. this moment, and they lost so easily that Emily barely even recognised they'd ever been there.

"Ya know.." JJ forced out as her back arched and her almost navy eyes fluttered closed at the journey that Emily's lips were so eagerly taking. "Statistics may say that blonde's prefer the oral side of sex, but.."

"But what?" Emily's eyes shot up between JJ's legs, a combination of inadequacy and excitement in them.

"But.." JJ smiled and pulled Emily up towards her, wrapping her arms around the brunette's neck and whispering into her ear. "But I wana see you.. I wana see your eyes when you realise that this.." She blindly reached out for Emily's hand, unfolded her fingers and ran them along her own slit. "Is all for you.."

And see her eyes, JJ did. The feeling of Emily's fingers taking on their own movement and gliding easily through her wet folds, as well as the appreciative sound that jumped from full lips was perfection enough; but when that was accompanied by the distinct dilating of pupils and the intoxicating darkening of already dark brown, she was left floating. She was certain that she had never felt something more exquisite in her life and was helpless to her thighs that parted further, or the hips that thrust greedily, or the pleading that she knew was in her own eyes.

"I see my girl is a voyeur as well as an exhibitionist." Emily whispered into JJ's ear as she dipped her fingers lower, collected some of the gathering liquid awaiting her and ran those fingers back up to an engorged clit.

There was that phrase again - my girl. "I.. I am.. you know." JJ spoke cryptically through laboured breaths; her hand still gripped at Emily's wrist even though the brunette was moving of her own accord now, her blue eyes still locked firmly with brown as she studied every emotion that passed through them and allowed Emily to see every truth that passed through her own.

"A voyeur?"

"No.." JJ laughed softly; her mind split between Emily's captivating, still-darkening eyes and the feeling between her parted thighs. "Well.. maybe a little. But.. I mean.." She felt suddenly self-conscious but Emily's next move stunted that before it could manifest.

"Oh you mean.." Full lips brushed against JJ's ear and at the very point that she finished her sentence, she plunged three fingers into JJ's more than ready pussy. "My girl? Are you _my_ girl, JJ?"

The question was as much for herself as it was for JJ. The idea of being able to finally call JJ her own was one without a title. She couldn't name the feeling, but that was impossible anyway when it was so many of them rolled into one; each circling the last in a constant motion that sent a warmth from her brain across her chest, through her stomach to her fingertips. The fingertips that _her girl_ was so eagerly taking.

"Yes.." JJ hissed as those welcome fingers invaded her, perfect words accompanied that intrusion. "Yes.."

"Tell me, JJ.." Emily implored as she continued her leisurely pace inside the blonde. She was moving so teasingly slow, but the helpless opening and closing of JJ's eyes with each inward thrust, with each perfectly applied amount of pressure from her curled fingers, told her that that was more than okay. She brushed her free hand over JJ's damp hair as she pressed her forehead to the blonde's and encouraged once more. "Tell me.."

"I'm yo-" JJ's mind went blank as Emily hit that spot once again and lingered a little longer; causing both a numb and acute sensation to overtake her brain before those fingers withdrew easily and gave her chance to form a coherent sentence. "I'm your girl, Emily. I'm yours.."

"Usted siempre será mío, Jennifer." Emily whispered. "Y yo soy siempre tuyo."

That was all it took - that damn accent that she couldn't get enough of and those words that were so vividly familiar - and something washed through JJ, caused the almost gentle, loving moment to become completely overwhelmed by desire and controlled by an untypical dominance. She flipped their positions in one swift movement without even causing Emily's fingers to leave their heated cocoon within her. And as she pushed Emily flat on her back, she straddled her thighs around the brunette's waist, arched her own back and effectively impaled herself further on skilled fingers.

Emily groaned as JJ picked up a steady rhythm against her; the blonde's impossibly dark blue eyes not leaving hers as she moved with grace, tan fingers digging into her own thighs with each thrust. The image reminded her of a masterpiece in an art gallery - it was just that damn exquisite. The perfect posture and the delicate curve of her lower back as she arched further into her fingers; the gentle shoulders that curled back a little so that full, round breasts perked just that little bit more; the white of her knuckles protruding against her tan hands as her fingers dug further into toned thighs with each fluid circle of her hips; the slightly parted lips and the glistening, azure eyes that painted the look of violent ecstasy in amongst something almost serene, tranquil. There was no sound; none at all apart from lightly falling breaths from both of them as their locked eyes spoke volumes. It was truly beautiful, and Emily herself couldn't help but feel beautiful simply for being a part of it.

And with each circle of modest hips, Emily curled her fingers a little further, ensuring that each movement was felt right throughout every fiber of JJ's being. Her other hand rested gently at the blonde's left hip; encouraging but not dominating, guiding but not forcing. And it was only when she felt that spongy area beneath her fingertips grow impossibly tight that JJ moved from that position at all, made any real sound at all. But the sound that she did make was just as beautiful as the sight that she had just been witness to, was _still_ witness to; and the change in position was only to move her own hands to the bed, to arch her hips a little further into her fingers.

"I love you.."

The sound almost startled her. She had become so engrossed in the thunderous silence that she almost forgot what real, actual words sounded like. But those words.. those perfect words, she could never forget, and when JJ spoke them again with extra sincerity, she couldn't help ghosting her fingers up a toned back to pull the young woman flush against her.

"I love you, so much.." JJ whimpered as the abrupt but welcome change in position caused Emily's fingers to sink deeper within her, and her palms fisted satin sheets as her lips parted against the brunette's; not a kiss, not even really a brush, just them breathing hot air into each others mouths like it's soul purpose was to save them both.

"You're so beautiful..."

The words flowed through Emily's breath and directly into JJ's mouth, and as the blonde inhaled them, she truly did feel beautiful. It was wrong what conclusion Emily had drawn back in the conference room - she wasn't an exhibitionist. It was just that in Emily's presence, she really couldn't help feeling that way. There was a confidence in her in those moments that she had never felt, a certainty, a belief. And as her thrusts helplessly increased against Emily's skilled fingers, an almost tingling, electric feeling ran through every inch of her and straight to her toes; an overpowering feeling that she had never felt before that made promises from each and every corner of her blissful mind. It was confident yet quiet, consuming yet freeing; it was nothing and everything, so much but not quite enough. But those promises were sincere; she could feel it, growing and growing, rushing to fruition.

Emily smiled as she noticed the change in JJ; pressed her hand into the blonde's lower back and moved her fingers were more volition against that no longer spongy spot within her. And as whimpers became broken and unfinished, as a sweat-slick forehead pressed further into her own, as a goddess-like body trembled and quaked, as needy hips thrust more rapidly.. even she couldn't have imagined the end result - the beautiful finish that made everything else that she had witnessed before that seem like trash in the street. The almost scream that erupted from JJ's mouth and directly into her own redeemed her; the small hands that jumped to her shoulders as a defined back arched one final time tethered her; and that rush of heated liquid that gushed from JJ and bathed her palm in warm perfection, that accompanied the violent succession of spasms against her fingers, told her that those moments were as much to JJ as they were to her. And with that one realisation, any questioning part of her mind shut down completely.

And if she was wrong.. it really didn't matter - because whilst she was going through hell and licking her wounds, she could always remind herself that she had once experienced heaven.

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><p><strong>MTwkdtuna:<strong> I managed it all the way until that last sentence, haha. I'm sure you can forgive me for that. ;)


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: **I made a small change in the previous chapter. The line that starts, "But as it was, she wouldn't recognise it right now, or even when she woke up.." has been altered to say 28 hours rather than 12. I decided to let them spend almost the whole weekend together. ;)

**Author's Note 2:** To the 'Guest' reviewer: you beat me to it. haha. Hopefully I didn't disappoint. Oh and to everyone else: sorry I took a few days to update. Something about this chapter just wasn't sitting right but I think I've worked out the kinks. As usual, please please please let me know what you think! All feedback/follows/favs are super appreciated. :)

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><p><strong>Chapter Seven: <strong>_**Those Blue Eyes That Lie**_

They had spent the whole remainder of that day much like two new lovers in their honeymoon phase; lost in desire and entangled in each other at the expense of reality. There were conversations to be had, and yet every time there was a lull in their daytime activities, a soft hand would caress new territory, or a greedy mouth would devour and the whole process would start all over again - something JJ was partially thankful for; something Emily was majorly struggling with. In a lot of ways.

She felt like she should be grateful, but she wasn't. Something just wasn't right and whilst she longed to be the kind of person that could play the blissfully ignorant card, she couldn't. The need to know was pushing its way through her body like a parasite; beginning at her chest and spreading to every fibre until finally, at ten o'clock that evening, she ripped a giant hole in their ignorance.

"Jayje.." She began as she ran her fingers over the baby-soft skin of the arm draped across her torso, ignoring the sudden tension that she felt in the younger woman at that one single word – because that one nuance told her something that she didn't want to know. But she _needed_ to know, know that this was real, so she proceeded like she was oblivious. "What's going to happen? I mean.. What are we.. you.. going to tell him?"

"Well.." JJ started as casually as possible, burying her face further into Emily's chest and using the brief pause to formulate her answer. "He isn't home until tomorrow evening so I'll speak to him then. I'll just.. I guess I'll tell him the truth." Truth; that was such a strong word these days and one that was strangely dishonest - because the version of the truth that had naturally pieced together in JJ's conscious as soon as she spoke that sentence was full of omission and devoid of the honesty that she was certain that Will couldn't handle. "I mean, unless you don't want me to."

"I.." Emily half shook her head and sighed as she drew mindless patterns against JJ's back. "I'm not sure I get to decide what happens there. I mean.. he's a friend, but I didn't uphold my side of that friendship when I took his-" Her words ended abruptly. They both knew what she had taken, what they had both taken; it didn't need to be verbalised. And there was no ounce of self-pity in Emily's next words; just a surety. "My point is that you can tell him whatever you need to, and I will take whatever shit storm comes my way because I deserve it."

"Should I.. tell him the truth then?" JJ asked softly, uncertain what the truth even was anymore - or how much of that truth she really needed to divulge. She had every intention of leaving him, had in the very early hours of this morning too, but the fear wrapping around her oesophagus reminded her unequivocally that that intention was not enough. Even if she followed through.. there was still so much more. And aside from those things - those truths that she wasn't ready to disclose - what about Henry? How could she do this to _him_? How could she knowingly take away his happy home and replace it with something that even she knew was broken?

"I already said.. it really isn't up to me." The logistics of this were finally beginning to set in for Emily and she was starting to question how they really were going to make this work and conduct some kind of damage control to keep the broken lives to a minimum. "But.." She pushed JJ onto her back, brushing a strand of blonde hair from her forehead as she spoke again. "If it was me.. I'd tell him the truth. Lying always comes back to bite you in the ass in the end JJ, and.. don't we owe him honesty? Doesn't he _deserve_ to know?"

JJ swallowed - the brunette's words ringing painfully through her mind as though they had been intentionally spoken as some indirect message - and she felt safe in the knowledge that Emily could very easily misunderstand the tears in her eyes in this instant; because she too was beginning to recognise the logistics of the whole damn thing and it was nothing short of overwhelming. There was going to be no fairytale comforts when she uttered those words to Will; no fairytale ending when she shattered Henry's childhood; no fairytale justifications in this brutally real situation. It wasn't that she wanted to keep things from him, from Emily, she was just petrified of where that honesty would lead.. and she'd be lying if she said that she hadn't asked Emily the question simply so that she would talk her out of it; implore her to give her a distorted version of the truth. But why would she have ever said that when Emily didn't know the full truth herself?

And from that point, after easing the subtle traces of fear from Emily's eyes, JJ had spent that whole night wide awake; tracing the lines on the ceiling much like she had two nights ago. Only this time, the object of distraction that had kept her from sleep forty-eight hours ago was sleeping peacefully right beside her. It was exactly what she had wanted that Thursday night, and now that she had it, she couldn't help but feel like she was drowning.

It wasn't a bad feeling - it was an incredible feeling, actually. But the fear that came with it and the responsibilities that hadn't disappeared just because she had admitted that she had fallen in love somewhere along the way, overshadowed the moment. She should have been laid on her side, smiling as she watched Emily sleep and feeling entirely grateful that she was there and she was hers; but instead she was staring into nothing and chasing what ifs in her mind. She should have been allowing plans for their future and the knowledge that life was finally going to be exactly how it was supposed to be to carry her to her own peaceful slumber; but instead, she was suffocating under the weight a fear that long outdated the length of hers and Emily's relationship. She should have been mapping lines across every inch of Emily's skin, savouring the touch; but when she did just that, her fingertips came to raised scar tissue and she stopped abruptly.

Emily already had scars; scars that would haunt her forever and remind her of the pain inflicted upon her by others. Did she really need more? More pain; more scars, both mental and physical. She knew that the lines that her fingernails had left across Emily's naked back earlier that day would most definitely scar; something that Emily had almost seemed excited about at the time as she told her, "It will make a change to have a positive memory scrawled into my skin." It was a sweet and entirely logical sentiment, but when coupled with JJ's over-thinking mind, it wasn't sweet at all. All those scars were were more salt to the wounds that Emily would carry when her courage ran out - and it was disappearing fast. Then there were the other ones; the other scars. The ones that would be caused by indecision and fear.. and they would last a life time longer than any physical scar could. They'd run deeper and any fading would only be temporary, because as soon as Emily fell in love again, those scars would reappear as vivid as they were when they were inflicted; tormenting, torturous, an assurance that she would never trust again.

But her thought processes were like a freight train and that one notion ignited another within JJ. She didn't _want_ to be the reason that Emily lost her trust; she wanted to be the reason that she didn't regret regaining it after the scars that she already had had left their mark. She didn't _want_ Emily to love another; she wanted to feel her love for as long as the scars beneath her trembling fingertips existed. And she didn't want to be this afraid, this ignorant, not anymore; she wanted to love Emily in return for as long as she lived - love her like she deserved to be loved, not like she was being loved currently. Because that could barely be called love; it just wasn't right. Emily deserved a world more than that, a world more than lies, a world more than _her_. She deserved total and untainted honesty, and that was just something that she was far too afraid to give her right now.

She pulled her hand away, ignoring the existence of Emily's scars once again, just like she had that morning when she had seen them for the first time. But instead of that hand tearing out from beneath the comforter, a brief moment of courage pushed it wander it lower; to bypass a scarred abdomen and linger to trace soft lines above the brunette's pubic bone.

She was laid on her side now, studying Emily's face with sad, curious, loving eyes as her fingers explored soft skin like a newly discovered land – essentially it was. It was almost like sitting too close to an open fire - the heat was strong enough to evoke fear of being burnt, but welcoming enough to lure her closer still. Emily _was_ that fire, this whole situation was that fire, this very _moment_ was that fire; and she just couldn't bring herself inch closer, whether it was herself or that hand that had already wandered further than it had in the past. The temptation of witnessing the unconscious twitch of porcelain skin and the intense dark eyes that would meet hers when the brunette awoke to her fingers was so damn enticing.. but the other feeling, the suffocating fear, well that one doused the temptation inches from her fingertips and left her once more with an emptiness that consumed her, a guilt of inadequacy that shoved her back into the corner where she was certain that she belonged and caused any courage that she had felt to evaporate like it had never existed.

Which is why, when Emily opened her eyes to stare directly at her, she froze. For the longest moment, she was petrified.

"And just what do you think you're doing, Miss Jareau?" Emily spoke with a sleepy smile as she brushed her thumb across JJ's cheek.

The love in Emily's eyes was unmistakable, toned only by the faint twinkle of playfulness; and whilst that caused a little courage to return, a reminder that she was safe - it also caused her fear and guilt to rush in with a vengeance, and she crushed her lips to the brunette's with a strength that she didn't know she possessed. Her hands knotted in raven hair as desperate moans rolled off of her tongue and directly into Emily's mouth, as Emily's hands naturally found purchase at her hips, and she was helpless to her own leg that slipped between the brunette's and applied probably more pressure than necessary. But if the older woman's whimpers and the electricity that was sparking like a broken power line between them was anything to go by, that pressure wasn't unwelcomed - if anything, it was encouraged.

And it was. Emily was catapulted into an immediate state of arousal long before she had even opened her eyes, and now.. now she was entirely consumed. She couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't see; at least nothing but the fire that was dragging her further in. Her hands gripped tighter at JJ's hips as their tongues duelled and she couldn't help but grind herself against the thigh between her own. But when she moved to pull JJ on top of her, when she tried to softly coax the blonde to open her eyes, when she tried to find further gratification and contact from the already close movements.. JJ disentangled herself, turned away and pressed her back into her chest, and an entirely different kind of desire swept through Emily.

She was certain that she felt her own eyes turn black, almost like a vampire's, as she leant herself up on her right arm and pressed herself further into JJ's back. Her mouth latched onto an exposed neck instantly and sucked with abandon whilst her free hand abruptly lifted and bent JJ's left leg, her three fingers plunging into waiting heat without warning. There was no hesitation in any of it; it was primal, consuming, animalistic.

"Oh fuck.." JJ hissed as Emily's fingers stretched her so suddenly from behind, as her mind blurred and any memory of her guilt and fear both faded and heightened; faded enough to allow her to enjoy the bliss between her widely-parted thighs as she pressed her arse further into the fingers invading her, and acute enough to taunt her, to remind her that she wasn't deserving or capable of the kind of love that Emily had always so freely provided her. "Emily fuck.. fuck me harder.. please. I need you to-ungh.."

Emily did as requested, totally blinded by unadulterated lust combined with just enough love to drag her lips gently over the skin that she had just marked with her teeth, as she used her whole body to thrust her three fingers faster and deeper into JJ. "Like that?" She forced through her heavy, uneven breaths. "Is that how you want me to fuck you, baby?"

JJ was panting, broken whimpers falling so freely with each relentless plunge of Emily's exquisite fingers that it was a miracle that she was able to get one word out. "Yes! Just.. just like that.. Oh fuck, Emily.."

Her left hand gripped in raven hair as the other clutched the pillow beneath her, her hips thrusting back into Emily in perfect, violent unison; the combining sounds of disturbed, slick wetness and pain-fuelled - _pleasure_-fuelled - whimpers rushing through the room and swirling around them like a tornado. Her mouth was slightly parted, the pain receptors in her mind sparking only briefly before they were extinguished with the most delectable feeling of her fast approaching orgasm. She had come more times than she could count today, but that didn't matter. She always wanted, craved, Emily, and that had never been more true than in this moment; with the brunette's fingers fucking her harder than they ever had, with a delicious mouth panting with exhaustion and arousal directly into her ear, with silky, soft yet sweat-slick hair clenched beneath her fingertips, with the older woman's whole body melded behind her almost protectively whilst at the same time being used for leverage to punish her further. And it was punishment in a way - that had been the whole point when she had initiated such a forceful position - punishment for allowing fear to prevent her from giving Emily what she deserved, what she wanted so badly to be able to give her.

But now.. now that she realised that this position held far more tender connotations than she had ever considered - now that she realised that those fingers that were fucking her mercilessly at her request were actually fuelled by genuine, unconditional love - the scream that tore from her lips as her orgasm ripped through her, once, twice, three times, both healed and condemned her.

She was so certain that she didn't deserve Emily's love, so certain that she didn't deserve tender love-making, and yet, in this moment, she had it. It was given freely in the soft lips still pressing gently against her sweat-slick cheek even after her orgasms had ebbed; in the fluid motion of Emily's body that had moved in perfect unison with her own as her climax had taken over; in the gentle fingers that thrust slowly, barely, just a few more times before smoothly withdrawing from inside her; and from the words that pour liked velvet from Emily's full lips..

"I love you." There was nothing but honesty in those breathy words. "I will always love you. No matter what."

Tears fell silently from JJ cheeks as she wrapped Emily's loving arms tighter around her waist; once again taking but not giving. She was certain that she could hear the cogs turning in Emily's brain, feel the questions that she was stopping herself from asking burning at her lips, almost taste the brunette's own fear. So she tried.. she tried the best that she could to ease that fear, to show Emily that no matter what - _no matter what else_ - she did love her with everything she had. "I'm sorry for how we began, Emily." She replied softly. "I'm sorry. And I hope that we can end better than we started."

"I hope we never end.." Emily replied sleepily, truthfully.

"No, I mean.." JJ shook her head, feeling wholly ridiculous for saying exactly the wrong thing. How could she possibly prove to Emily what she meant to her when she was _still_ lying? "I just.. I want forever with you, Emily."

And it was with those words that both women drifted off to sleep; JJ clutching that fairytale sentiment to her chest like a comfort blanket. But little did JJ know, that Emily was thinking the very same thing – only where there were fairytales in her mind, there were nightmares in the brunette's.

_I want forever with you too. But I don't want forever like this. I want forever with who I fell in love with, not this person you've become._

**CM-CM-CM**

Six hours later, it was strangely not the early morning sun piercing through a slit in the curtains that woke JJ, but instead the feeling of that protective heat that had been wrapped around her all night disappearing as the sudden cold rushed in against her bare back. She shivered involuntarily before she became fully conscious and aware of the reason for that chill.

"Where are you going?" She muttered sleepily, her hand reaching behind her to grab Emily's arm before she herself turned, but what she saw in those dark eyes when she did seemed to simultaneously fill her with fear and courage.

Emily's eyes widened subtly. It seemed somehow crass to tell her lover that she was actually going to the bathroom to get herself off because all of this sex that rarely resulted in her own release was leaving her somewhat cranky - and it _was_ crass. She had been in and out of sleep all night, tormented by the ache between her thighs and the only reason that she was awake now was because that ache just would not quit and her dreams hadn't much helped either. But she would never say that to JJ, never - even if the mere premise of such a truth was yet one more nail in the reality coffin.

In amongst the copious amount of orgasms that she had eagerly brought JJ to since this had begun, there were only a handful of times that actually resulted in her own climax, and only one of those times had been at JJ's touch - when she had used her mouth back in Paris; something that Emily now realised was yet another nail to that coffin. The one that reminded her that this was beginning to look more and more like an experiment than love. JJ had never once touched her, not really. She hadn't explored her body like she herself had – except apparently when she was sleeping, if last night's heavenly wake-up was anything to go by. But that painful and ego-crushing realisation paled in comparison to the dark blue eyes that were staring at her expectantly, still waiting for an answer - an answer that she still wasn't certain of.

"Um, I.." Emily's jaw locked almost visibly, her eyes appearing suddenly vacant as she spoke her next sentence. "We should shower and then discuss how we're going to do this." She _had_ to shower - she knew that if she could still smell JJ on her skin, she would too easily give in to temptation and once again ignore the logistics of this whole fairytale.

But when JJ jumped up out of bed and sashayed her hips all the way to the bathroom, she knew that it would only be a matter of time before she fell powerless once again - and just as she thought, she blinded followed; pinning JJ to the wall in frustration as soon as the hot water descended against their naked skin. Her hands gripped firmly at trim hips, her lips leaving JJ's and trailing to a vein that throbbed and pulsed beneath tan skin. But JJ's next words thankfully snapped her from her flesh-desiring hypnosis.

"I take it back..."

"You take what back?" She questioned quickly, a moment of unrestrained fear flashing in her eyes.

"No, no.." JJ soothed instantly, running her thumb over the brunette's cheek to calm the fears that she had seen swirling in her dark chocolate orbs; somewhat angry at herself for once again causing that fear to make its presence known and she spoke one of the only honest things that she had in months. "Not that, Emily. I don't take that back. I will _never_ take that back."

"Okay.." Emily nodded believingly, ignoring the returning feeling in her gut as she reached for the shampoo and gently turned JJ; all thought of the passion that was there before discarded abruptly. Honestly, she didn't need JJ to have her back to her for her to massage the solution into her hair, but a part of Emily, somewhere deep down where her instincts met her heart, knew that she was doing it purposely so that she wouldn't have to see those blue eyes; those blue eyes that lie. "So what do you take back?"

JJ leaned into Emily, her eyes closed at the feeling of the brunette's fingers massaging her scalp. "What I said to Garcia about showers. Because showering alone could never compare to this." Before Emily was done, JJ turned in her arms and spoke more directly. "Could never compare to showering with you. Could never, ever, compare to you, at all."

Were those baby blues really liars? She genuinely didn't know anymore, because where she was certain that she'd see dishonesty, she actually saw nothing but sincerity - nothing but love – and when soft, pink lips met her own, she didn't protest in the slightest. Instead, she deepened the kiss, her breathing laboured and she was grateful for the gasp of air that JJ slipping away from her lips and dropping to her knees provided; and she was even more grateful for the further gasp that left her lips when that oh so skilled tongue dipped between the legs that she readily parted further.

And skilled, it certainly did seem, but JJ was petrified. She was doing this for Emily – doing this because she knew exactly what the look in Emily's eyes had meant that morning and she had realised that this was the one way that she was able to show the older woman that she was serious whilst hopefully too postponing certain truths a little longer. To most other people, sex was the easy part – to JJ, it was the most terrifying and in her warped logic, she was showing Emily with her mouth that this was real, that she would do anything to be with her, that she wasn't the liar that she was certain those dark eyes were beginning to realise that she was.

Emily, as oblivious as she was, braced her hands at the condensation-masked, glass shower doors, her eyes rolling back in her skull as JJ licked and licked; and when the blonde wrapped her lips around her clit, sucked for all she was worth and flicked her warm tongue against the bundle of nerves, she couldn't help tangling her fingers in golden hair and forcing the younger woman's mouth somehow closer – as if that was even possible.

She was somewhat disappointed when JJ stopped sucking, but the blonde's next move completely erased any sense of disappointment – it felt, quite simply, amazing. The ever-curious part of her brain tried to figure out exactly what JJ was doing with her tongue. She could feel the silky smooth underside of that tongue brush against her clit, but in an easy transition it was quickly replaced by the semi-rough topside, and repeated and repeated with complete fluidity and ease. Was she rolling her tongue? Flipping it? What the hell was she doing? But whatever it was.. doing all of that whilst at the same time sucking her into her mouth all served to form a feeling like none other that Emily had ever felt and she was powerless to the whimpers falling from her typically graceful, parted lips.

"Jay-Jay." The name broke as a gasp that was somehow brief and yet drawn out at the same time. Her chest heaved and she could barely make out any one of the emotions humming through her mind, her whole damn body. "Where did you.. oh fuck.. where did you learn to do that?"

JJ's heart warmed at the indirect phrase, her fear slowly erasing itself, and she pulled back and looked up at Emily with innocent eyes. "Party trick."

"Well it's.." Emily's head met the glass doors with a dull thud as JJ's mouth descended on her pussy once again to perform the same 'party trick' as before. "one hell of a… a party trick. Mnnnhh.. faster, JJ! Oh God, please faster."

And faster.. JJ certainly did. Right up until the point where Emily's thighs clamped tight around her cheeks, her fingers tangled tighter in her hair, her body grew rigid for the longest moment before thrashing hard between the shower door and her mouth, her cries filtering over the loud noise of the gushing shower; and then, with a gentle kiss to the very top of the brunette's inner thigh, with another to her lower abdomen, with another just below her belly button, JJ rested her forehead in defeat, just like the brunette had thirty-six hours ago.

The overwhelming feeling of Emily coming against her own ministrations was one that filled her chest with both courage and resignation; she _couldn't_ lie anymore and she whispered seven words that she didn't realise were just a moment too late. _I love you. Please don't forget that. _"I need to tell you something, Emily."

Emily's heavy lust-filled eyes paled instantly as she peered down at the swirls of blonde hair hiding the face that rested against her abdomen. But when she opened her mouth to speak, a loud knock at her front door stunted her words. "What d-.."

JJ's head shot up, immediately looking towards the bathroom door and in the general direction that the sound had come from, and her heart sank. She had been so ready, so ready to take that leap; but just as she stepped closer to the threshold, it disappeared from beneath her feet and took every last ounce of courage with it.

"I-I should get that." Emily stuttered hesitantly. In all honesty, she didn't want to 'get that'. She didn't care who was at the door. No part of her cared about anything other than the words that had been just about to leave Jennifer Jareau's mouth.. that mouth that had just done things that she had never felt before, but were now, she was certain, about to cause a different kind of feeling within her; one that she certainly had felt before but never wanted to again. And the profiler in her recognised why she was even leaving in an instant; a part of _her_ wanted to postpone the truth, too.

JJ sighed, leant back in resignation so that Emily could leave before pushing herself to her feet and watching the brunette disappear out of the bathroom.

Having semi-dried off and thrown on the first clothes that she had found, Emily darted down the stairs to catch the person at her door before they left. But as she reached for the door handle and swung it open, the sight that greeted her made her wish that she hadn't; made her wish that she hadn't left her bubble of ignorance where nothing made sense but everything worked.

"Oh, Emily." Will sighed in relief. "I know you must hate me right now for what I did to JJ and I know no amount of apologies will make up for cheating on her but please.. I'm fairly certain she's here and I really need to speak with her. Please, Emily."

Nope. She should have stayed in heaven.


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's** **Note: **This chapter won't quite redeem JJ, but it will skim the surface of just why she has been so out of character and ignorant to Emily's feelings. I can't promise that you're going to suddenly like her again, because she's still done the things she's done, but it will all begin to make more sense over the next few chapters.

**Author's Note 2: **Who would like a second update today? I'm feeling kinda nice. ;)

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><p><strong>Chapter Eight: <strong>_**Shampoo Suds and Broken Hearts**_

Emily blinked twice. Everything around her was still, silent; dead.

_Over_.

Until those pleading, apologetic, naive eyes of William LaMontagne Jr pierced through her stunned haze and brought sound rushing back into her ears, colour back into her vision, and unwanted feeling back into her numbed body.

"Emily?" Will questioned with concern, his hand going out to rest against her arm as both an attempt to get her attention and comfort her through whatever had startled her. "Emily, are you okay?"

"I.. I'm fine." She shook her head. Fine? Really? She was far from fine, but truthfully, she didn't know what she was. Angry? Upset? Disappointed? Betrayed? Heartbroken? She had no idea, and before she really had the chance to process any one of the puzzle pieces that had just jumped so abruptly into her lap, she had already mindlessly gestured out a hand for Will to come inside. "JJ is-"

"Will?" JJ had ran for the stairs the moment that she had heard his voice, the moment that she had realised that her world was about to come crashing down in the worst kind of way, and now she just stood dumbfounded at the bottom of those stairs; shampoo suds still evident in her hair, a robe wrapped loosely around her naked form, her eyes wide in both anger and fear. "What the hell are you doing here? You're not supposed to be back until tonight."

"JJ.." Will rushed towards her. "I left my mom's early, I needed to see you. I needed to explain. Henry is with Garcia. I knew you'd be here because well.. she's your best friend. Where else would you go if you'd had your heart broken?" He looked down to the ground guiltily, his brow furrowing a little when he noticed for the first time the state of his girlfriend.

Emily was still rooted by the door, her senses coming back in broken waves and words and thoughts, all swooping together in her mind to form a suddenly clear picture; and that realisation made its way beyond her lips in a disbelieving, quiet whisper before she could stop it. "He _cheated_ on you? That's why.."

Will's head snapped up, taking note of the bubbles in JJ's hair before his eyes swiftly darted to Emily and the flecks of water still evident on her skin. Back to JJ and the red welted mark against her neck and then to Emily to see a distinct look of heartbreak on her face that he himself was beginning to recognise. Back to his girlfriend and the exposed skin beneath her robe.. _No, but.._ His eyes met JJ's innocent baby blues as uninvited clarity washed through him, the subtle traces of guilt in them focussing the picture in his mind so that there was no longer a blurred outline of possibilities, but a painfully clear truth. "You.. and.. and _her_?"

JJ's breathing shallowed considerably as cracks spread across her entire world like an long-ignored chip in a windscreen. She swallowed hard, dropped her gaze to the ground in a guilty gesture that Will had acted just moments before; a stuttering explanation trying to force its way from her trembling lips. "I-I can.. I can e-explain.."

"To who, JJ?" Emily was completely back in the present now and no part of her was prepared to make excuses for JJ, pretend for JJ; not this time. "To _him_, or to _me_? Who is it that you have an explanation for?"

"For.." JJ looked from brown eyes to blue, then back from blue to brown like she was pleading for either one of them to save her from the mess that she had created. "For.. For both of you."

"I.." Will shook his head as he struggled to formulate a single, definitive thought, let alone a verbal sentence; did he really have the right to be angry? "Is this.. is this my fault? Is it because I kissed someone else?"

"No it's my-" _Wait, you only kissed someone else?_ The thought briefly crossed her mind like it mattered, but it didn't; not now. In fact, Will could have slept with an entire bus load of women and it wouldn't have mattered because he held a quality that she certainly hadn't in recent months: the ability to be honest and take accountability. "No, it isn't your fault, Will." She sighed in resignation and pulled Emily's robe tighter around her body. "It's.." Oh god, what had she done?

"It's _your_ fault, JJ. I believe that is what you were about to say." Emily snapped, immediately feeling like a fool. It wasn't just JJ's fault at all; it was her fault too. She had been a part of this, she was the one who had helped to break the heart of someone who was supposed to be her friend; she was just as guilty as JJ was, but she felt so fucking ridiculous that she couldn't manage anything but anger. How had she fallen for this?

Will laughed incredulously as he jumped from dazed to angry. "Really, Emily? You played no part in _fucking my girlfriend_?" He looked to the ceiling, unable to fully process what was happening before holding out his hands dismissively and storming passed Emily and out of the apartment. "Ya know what.. I can't do this."

"Will, no, wait!" JJ yelled as she ran after him, returning instantly when he disappeared at lightening-speed down the corridor, and instead ran upstairs to grab her clothes and car keys.

When she returned, Emily was still in the same spot, watching her with eyes that she couldn't read. They were shutting down, she could see that clearly; and all that remained where a few fleeting wisps of colour that depicted three emotions: disappointment, regret, _hate_. There's a very thin line between love and hate, and it killed her to witness the very moment that Emily crossed it; and after a moment, she purposely ducked her head and looked away as she squeezed by the brunette and ran from the apartment.

She weaved and wove and sped through more red lights than her job was worth to make it home before Will could disappear again, and when she burst through her front door, she found him sitting at the sofa – in the exact spot that her and Emily had fucked two nights ago. Because that's essentially what it had been. Looking to the coffee table, she noticed the two wine glasses still sat there half empty, lipstick on the rims just like Will now knew it to be on her collar. And all she could do was sit; sit opposite her boyfriend like she had with Emily, and try to find the right words that she had failed to grasp that night.

"Will-"

"How long?" Will's eyes met JJ's; they were hardened with a faint hint of anger in them that very rarely surfaced and those now grey eyes painted a whole new world of reality for JJ.

"Will, I-"

"I said how long, JJ?" His jaw locked. "How long have you been fucking _our_ friend right under my nose? _Before_ she _died_? Since she got back from the dead? Since when, JJ?"

"Before.." JJ whispered guiltily. "Before she.. before she left."

"So that's why.." Will's mind trailed off as he pieced everything together; memories of comfort and compassion flashing before his eyes mockingly. "That's why you were so broken all the time.. I mean, more than someone would be over losing friend. That's why I'd find you crying and why you'd murmur her name in your sleep. That's why you'd trawl her Facebook page every damn day like it was a shrine and why you'd-"

"Stop it!" She couldn't bear to hear any of it and she was one step away from pressing her hands to her ears like a child trying to block out their parent's argument. "Just. Stop."

"No, I won't. I just found out that my girlfriend's been sleeping with someone else behind my back. Another _woman_, no less. I think I have a right to some answers, JJ."

And she knew that he did; he had every right to those answers. But as selfish as it was, _she_ didn't want to hear those answers and the knot in her chest was growing tighter by the second.

"Wait, did you.." Another thought crossed his mind." The trip to Paris right after she.. That wasn't a business trip at all, was it? You.. You _knew_, didn't you?" Realisation dawned on him that he hadn't been nursing his girlfriend through grief; he'd been nursing her through a broken heart and he fought the urge to throw up. "You knew that she was alive because that's the whole reason you went there, as her handler. And you were miserable that you had to come back and be stuck here with me?" He laughed incredulously before looking JJ square in the eye. "Tell me, JJ. How long did you spend _fucking_ her before you said goodbye? Hm? Hours? Days? The whole three days you were gone?"

JJ didn't know which question to answer first, or if she even should at all. Her fingernails dug into the cushion of the sofa and she bit the inside of her lip enough to draw blood, finally looking up to meet Will's eyes once it did and attempting to start from the beginning - a beginning that was actually somewhere in the middle if she thought about it properly. "I was attracted to her long before I met you."

"Wow.." Will scoffed and sank back against the cushions; no longer certain that he wanted to hear this.

But JJ continued anyway, choosing to ride the honesty train as far as she could before it ran out of fuel. "I didn't know it at the time. There was no reason that my mind would have even thought that far considering I've spent my whole life straight but I.. I know now. I've always been attracted to her."

"So what _changed_, JJ?" Will leant forward, his eyes pleading for her to inject some sense into the mess in his mind. "Surely there must have been a part of you that wanted me and only me, otherwise why would we have spent the past four years living together? Why would we have a _child_ together?"

Now there were two questions that she shouldn't answer honestly; because honesty in that regard meant admitting to herself just how much of an awful person she really was, and a non-answer passed her lips before she had the chance to realise that that was technically a lie too. "I did love you, Will. I _do_ love you. I just.. I fell in love with her. That's what changed. I fell in love with someone else."

Will's heart broke completely in two, but for the first time, he had to admit that none of this was news to him. I mean, it was; it really was. But at the same time, it was familiar. He'd seen it in her teary eyes as he rocked her back to sleep; he'd seen it in the way that she'd never look at him when they had sex; he'd seen it in the subtle diversion of sad blue eyes each and every time Emily's name was mentioned. And what he wouldn't admit to himself then was what he couldn't deny in this moment: she had been touched by someone else, loved by someone else, in ways that he would never accomplish, no matter how hard he tried.

JJ studied the heartbroken man opposite her, the man who she had indeed lived with for the past four years and suddenly a fog lifted. It was almost like she had been lost at sea, flailing and making the situation worse by kicking and splashing; but now that that fog had gone, and she could see that all around her were boats and islands, a part of her didn't even want to swim to safety – because she didn't deserve that safety. Everything over the past fourteen months just wasn't her; she would never do what she had done to her boyfriend, her child, Emily – and yet she had. _She_ had done that, and for the first time, she truly allowed herself to hate herself for it. Will's next question though, snapped her from her hole of self-pity and nudged her further in the direction of honesty – even if that honesty would mean opening a box that had been forced closed for thirty-two years.

"Did you.. In our bed?"

"No." JJ responded instantly. "No, that didn't happen."

"Would it have?"

She opened her mouth to say no, but when she thought about that Friday night, she realised that she couldn't. She was done lying, and if Emily hadn't disappeared that night, she couldn't truthfully say that she wouldn't have taken her to bed with no care for how crass such a move would have been. "Yes."

Will took the admission on the chin; simply grateful that he was finally getting some honest answers, but whilst that honesty was being freely given, questions were flying at him from all angles. "What about in the house at all? Did anything happen here at any point?"

Her stomach clenched and she couldn't help the giveaway eyes that dropped to the very couch that Will was sitting upon; a nuance that was clearly read as the detective jumped to his feet and looked at her in disbelief.

"Are you _kidding_ me?" Will spoke strangely calmly before pacing. "I.. I.. I can't do this. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with this. I need to-"

"Eleven months ago!" JJ practically yelled, cutting him off; giving an answer to a question that he had probably forgotten that he'd asked, almost like she was retelling the story to find her own answers. "It was fourteen months ago that I first truly questioned my relationship with Emily, but it was eleven months ago that we first.." She sighed and leant her elbows on her knees. "It was the night that we got back from the conference with Reid in Colorado and you.. You called and I told you we were going to be a while wrapping up paperwork from a case we'd taken previous to that." She met Will's eyes with trepidation as she admitted quietly. "We weren't. I was with Emily."

Will's face paled considerably and he mindlessly sat down on the couch once more before remembering again and darting up, moving to the one seater to his left. He rubbed a strong hand over his face as the very memory of that night painted itself vividly across the walls of his mind. "JJ.. You came home to me that night. It was the same night that I had planned to propose. Only I didn't because when you finally made it home, you didn't give me chance. You.." Tears burnt at his eyes and he tried to blink them away. "You allowed me to.. no, you _begged_ me to, make love you. JJ, you let me do that while _she_ was still on you!"

"I know, I know." JJ sobbed. "I know, and I am so sorry. I didn't intend for any of this. I didn't intend to hurt either of you I just.. I needed to.." _I needed you to make it not true. I needed you to fix me.. _Her chest heaved as she fought against the words simmering there; the ones bubbling and threatening and consuming - the ones that had been bubbling and threatening and consuming for as long as she could remember. Until, with her hand clutched to her chest, she lost the fight. "I'm not supposed to be gay, Will!"

His eyes shot up. There was something in her last sentence that told him that there was far more to this than being confused about whether she wanted him or another person; far more than the typical complications that come with any infidelity. No, this was about so much more than that. "What's that supposed to mean? You're _not_ gay, JJ. Just because slept with one.." Suddenly everything made sense. Memories were attacking him from every corner of his mind; memories that were once held fondly but were now painted in such an excruciatingly clear light that it blinded him. "Wait, you.. You _are_, aren't you?"

Her teary eyes were wide, her heart hammering in her chest, her lips still parted from the last word that had jumped from them; until she swallowed and looked down at her fidgeting hands. "Freshman year.. My cousin called. He.." She sighed. "He had to fly half way across the country before he could admit that he was gay and my family didn't talk to him for months after that. And even when they did, it was.. different, ya know?" She looked to Will for an answer and dropped her gaze again when all she found was barely ebbing anger. "My granddad shook his hand at Christmas. _Shook his hand_, because he couldn't bare the idea of having a gay grandson. My gran said nothing, his own mother ignored it like it wasn't even reality. I'd hear them talking quietly at family meals, hushed tones that didn't remotely hide their anger as they tried to figure out how to _fix the situation_. Which _camp_ would be better suited to his _problem_. What they could have possibly done wrong to deserve this when they had taught him the Lord's word and done nothing but encourage him down the right path." The tears in her eyes burnt as she remembered all that her cousin had gone through, and all that she could have done to show him that he wasn't alone if only she had been brave enough. "How could I.. How could I tell them that I.." A lump formed in her throat that held every painful memory that she had experienced in her younger years, that _he_ had experienced in their younger years, and every encounter that had lead her to do things simply to keep up her facade. "How could I tell them after that?"

"So you _used_ me.." Will spoke, his pain clearly evident in his voice. This was a whole different ball game – it wasn't just an issue of his girlfriend cheating anymore, it was an issue of his girlfriend cheating in a game that she didn't even play. "You used me as a pawn in your pretend heterosexual life. For all this time, JJ! And you _knew_. You knew all along that you had no interest in me, in any man, and yet you allowed me to build a _life_ with you. You allowed me to imagine our _future_ together and you _pretended_ that you wanted that future too."

"No. Will.. it isn't that simple." JJ bit her lip once again as the tears flooding her eyes overflowed and trickled down her cheeks. She shook her head; after thirty-two years of shrouding herself under the blanket of denial, this moment was all so surreal that she didn't even know where to begin. The flood gates had been opened but something told her that Will wasn't the one who should be hearing those confessions. "It isn't that simple. It got to the point where I'd blocked it out so much that I really began to believe that it _was_ a phase. I convinced myself that I was straight and.. And I _truly_ believed that." Her eyes drifted to Will's so that he could see the sincerity in them. "And I really did, Will. Until.."

Will nodded knowingly, his anger fading somewhat into nothing more than a burst of air that held his defeat. "Until you met Emily."

"But even then I.." JJ continued, feeling semi-brave. "Even then I didn't really know. I didn't recognise the feelings that I got when I first saw her, because it had been so long since I'd felt them." She saw the pain flicker in Will's eyes at those words but she knew that nothing that she could say would ebb them; nothing that was truthful, at least. "I truly never intended for any of this, Will."

And for the first time since he had bustled into Emily's apartment earlier that morning, Will genuinely believed that. It didn't take the pain away, it didn't fix the shattered state that was his heart at that moment, and it didn't change the fact that he had been forced to live a lie for the past four years; but he did believe that she was sorry, that she hadn't done this intentionally, that sometimes fear was the most powerful of all emotions especially when that fear is instilled by people who are supposed to love you unconditionally. "So.. what now?"

"I really don't know.." JJ laughed humourlessly, shaking her head. She'd taken the first step in fixing the mess that she had created, even if she had been _forced_ to take that step; but there was still no light at the end of the tunnel. She still had no clue or direction as to how to dig herself out. But she knew that there were going to be no loving hands to pull her out this time; she had to figure this out for herself. "I told Emily two nights ago that I was going to leave you.. That was when I thought that you'd slept with someone else and I was a coward. It was the perfect excuse that I needed to make this somehow not _my_ fault. And now.." She sighed. "Well, now I'm not sure that I should be around either of you."

"Probably not." Will agreed; another more important thought crossing his mind in a second. "What about Henry?"

JJ's eyes flooded again at the mention of her son's name; the tears bursting out suddenly and the sound that accompanied them was enough to break Will's heart even further. He was hurt, but that didn't mean that she wasn't too. Was anyone really free of hurt in all of this?

"Jayje, I'm.." He sighed in disbelief at himself. "I'm not going to take him away from you. I'm not going to do that."

JJ somehow smiled through her tears, accompanied by a short laugh that really shouldn't have been there. "Why not? I lied and I cheated, you'd had every right to drag me through the family courts as a bad mother for this. Why wouldn't you do that to me?"

"Because I'm not your family." He spoke honestly and solidly. He had no clue what she was going through, had gone through for all these years, but he did know that whatever he was feeling right now was nothing compared to what she must have felt each and every time that she denied who she really was. That was punishment enough; he didn't need to add insult to injury. "You were scared, and with good reason. And I'm not going to punish you for something that's beyond your control." A part of him felt like he was being a push over, but for the most part, he simply wanted to keep his son away from inevitable negativity as much as possible. He himself had watched his parent's bitter separation when he was younger - he didn't want that for Henry too. No, they were going to do this differently and it was going to work because nothing and no one was more important to him in this world than his boy. "We'll work something out but.. I'm not coming back, JJ. So please. You _need_ to stop lying and actually take steps to facing the truth. _Please_.." He made eye contact with her to show his sincerity. "Please don't choose denial again and try to drag me back into this game because.. I can't do it. I can't live a lie. Even if it means that I get to live that lie with you." He looked down at his suede boots and spoke in defeat. "I love you too much to be able to do that. I love Henry too much to allow _him_ to do that."

The words resonated with JJ right through to her core as she realised that, had she been here, if she had any clue, Emily would be telling her the exact same thing. How could she expect her to live a lie? How could expect any of them to live _her_ lie? She couldn't, and there was her light at the end of the tunnel; the one that would guide her through this. "I won't. I won't.. do that. I promise."

"Good." Will pushed himself to his feet, entirely unsure what to do with himself. "Well I.. I guess I should get my things together. I'll stay in a hotel until I can figure something else out. Do you need me to collect Henry, or-"

"No. I mean.. no, you don't have to go. We have a guest room. You can stay in there, or I can." Her eyes widened a little when she realised that Will probably didn't want to be around her at all. "Or I can stay in a hotel. You shouldn't have to leave because of what _I_ did so I can-"

"JJ, I may be hurt, but I'm not going to toss you out on the streets." Will sighed as he moved to plan B; the plan that would likely be more painful for him but would hopefully be less painful for Henry. "I'll go collect Henry and I'll take the guest room for a while, just until we figure out how we're going to make this work."

JJ nodded, her eyes focused on the sleeve of her hoody that she had pulled over her fingers. She didn't deserve this, and yet for some reason she had it. She was so certain that she was nothing but evil, and yet she was surrounded by love. How was that possible when the very reason that this had happened in this first place was because she had been so convinced that no one would love her if they knew the truth? "Thank you, Will."

"Don't thank me yet, JJ." Will spoke honestly as he pulled on his jacket. "Things are about to get a whole world more difficult for you."

And they were. My god, they were.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note: **Here is the second update that I promised you. It's about half the length of the rest so it works out kinda nicely that today happened to be the day that I gave you two updates. ;)

**Author's Note 2: **The reviews I got this afternoon were wonderful! So thank you, so much. :) Each one of them made me smile for different reasons. I'm going to reply to the ones that I can tomorrow (when I don't have an imminent date with Breaking Bad) but to MTwkdtuna: did I tell you how awesome you are recently? haha. But with the word 'trawling'.. you had me concerned there for a moment lol, I really thought I'd gotten it wrong. Anyway, I Googled it and it has several different meanings, one of which being to 'sift through' something. So it works. However, if it isn't something an American would say, I may have to change it anyway since it is used in dialogue.

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><p><strong>Chapter Eight: <em>Six Degrees of Compartmentalisation<em>**

It had been six hours, and it had taken almost all of those hours for Emily Prentiss to reach this old familiar state of stoic detachment.

_The urge.._

First there had been something that she had come to blows with only a few times in her life, and had ironically vowed each time to avoid anything that would cause her to endure such a feeling ever again: that overwhelming, mind-body-soul controlling, vomit-inducing urge to fight, to grip tight hold of the cause by any means necessary before it disappears out of your life and forces the next step into play.

_Twisted logic.._

But she resisted that urge and instead found herself at the door of something similar: that point where the consuming feeling has not quite gone, but it has instead budged over a little to allow room for logic. So instead of chasing JJ out of her building and losing all dignity in a show of angry slurs and sobbing pleas, she had dragged her feet over to the sofa and spent the next two hours figuring out just how she could make this work; how she could justify what the blonde had done and at the same time, win back that moment of pure happiness that she had felt when she had opened her eyes yesterday morning. And having searched and explored for reasons that would vindicate everything that had ripped out her heart, and actually settled upon a few ideas that, with a little ignorance on her own part, would work; the next step washed through her like a cool compress on 105 degree Summer's day.

_Hope.._

She didn't realise it at the time – that this was the most deadly step in all of this - because it felt so fucking wonderful, so damn incredible that she actually, genuinely smiled. Smiled a content smile that justified her own lack of care for the man who had just caught his girlfriend cheating, because for a moment, she honestly believed that that cheating girlfriend would come back to _her_ in the end; and she felt a warmth in her chest that masked the deceptive twinkle in the eye of her new mentality. But before she could truly bask in it, that hope slipped from her grasping hands like a delicate, priceless heirloom as the look that JJ had given her, or rather refused to give her, before she had left - the one that told her unequivocally that even if her love _was_ real, sometimes fear was far stronger than love - flashed before her eyes; and it smashed to the ground and shattered into thousands of tiny shards that each reflected the same thing..

_Reality.._

It didn't matter what JJ felt. It didn't matter what _she_ felt. What mattered was that she, Emily Prentiss, and her, Jennifer Jareau, had both deceitfully combined forces to create something dangerously tempting and beautifully intense that someone else was currently paying for; and the flash of pain in Will's eyes as the truth had hit him was only a tiny speck of dust in the long, winding trail of destruction that they had carelessly left in the wake of their selfishness. It didn't matter what fairytale feelings lingered between the two of them, or what promises JJ had made to her over the past two days, or what promises she herself had silently made in return; because none of it had been hers to take in the first place. And yet she had. They both had. But they couldn't have helped it, could they? They couldn't have just ignored..

_Love.._

It had been said in anger and frustration the first time, in an act of desperation the second, but that didn't make it any less truthful – she really did love JJ, and it really was that fairytale kind of love that people write romance novels about. It was slightly unconventional with a hint of selfishness, but it was real. The feelings that she held for Jennifer Jareau were as real as the sofa that had held her through this journey of self-discovery for the past several hours. She loved her carefree laugh; she loved the full mouthed grin that was just subtle enough to always leave her feeling that it was only for her; she loved the way that she wouldn't make eye contact with her, would look anywhere else but directly at her, as she shared things that she could tell that she had never shared with another; she loved the way that her heels clicked against the steps to the conference room when a bad case had came in, the way that those heels belied how tiny she really was; she loved her scent, the one that had been a bittersweet drug to her over the years as she had fought between ignorance and the desire to turn and press her lips to the woman leant over, explaining something in a case file that she really wasn't paying attention to; she loved her hands, those fingers that looked like they had been sculpted out of heaven as they fisted in her silk sheets; and those eyes, those blue eyes that held secrets and dreams and truths and..

_Lies.._

The lies that she would gladly tell herself to get through this made no pretense for what they were as every single one of the stages that she had wandered through already banded together and that, in moderation, each formed the ultimate and final part of this process. The urge was now no more than a niggle that was easily shrugged away with a reminder of '_if it's meant to be.._'; logic was the light above her head, the one that was the glue to this final step; hope brushed a comforting thumb over her cheek and reassured her that it was still there, that it was okay to be selfish to Will's feelings because we all had to lose at some point; reality was questionable at best now and barely even put up a fight against the fairytales that helped her to carry Jennifer Jareau to the compartment in her brain where she would remain until the time was right; love was the thing that reminded her and at the same time, was solely responsible for the tears swirling in her eyes even as she laid this to rest; and the lies.. Well, the lies would be what she told herself, what would carry _her_ until she could find her way back to the totally numb state that she had grown to despise in herself over the years, but right now, craved.

And carry her, they would; as she jumped seemingly without transition into a world where JJ didn't exist, ignoring what she felt for her, what she had always felt for her, play-acting that this had all been a nothing experience that wouldn't be missed.

But there was one lie that she told herself that was relying far too much on the ignorance necessary to pull it off: that she wouldn't take JJ back, not for anything, not even if she turned up at her door again tonight and declared feelings of love once more, not even if she cornered her at work tomorrow or the next day and told her that her and Will were truly over, not even if she called her at 3am and gave her more hope.. Because moderation really was the key to this, and much more hope would cause those perfectly organised compartments of her mind to fall into complete disarray.

Hope really is a terribly deceptive thing, but for now, she was happy to lie to herself about that too.

But when she climbed beneath her sheets that evening, everything changed. There was still an indentation where JJ had slept, writhed, faint traces of make-up on the pillow and a distinct mixture of the scent of sex and intoxicating perfume everywhere; invading her nostrils and turning her stomach like something putrid until she jumped up out of bed, ripped those sheets from the mattress like they had burnt her skin and tossed them out of the room.

She didn't want it. She didn't want the reminder of the fact that she had done the one thing that both her personal life and her professional life relied on her to not do: she had naively let down her guard. But as she turned from the haphazardly piled memories dumped outside of her bedroom door, they followed her gaze right through to her room; JJ's scent may have been gone but her touch wasn't, her taste, the enthralling expression when she came. Hallucinations flashed in various parts of her bedroom, dancing across the walls and playing out like some liberal Disney movie; smiles that shouldn't have been there, promises that were never intended to be kept, the soft brush of skin on skin that may as well have held thousands of miles between.

So she cleaned. Since her whiskey and sex escapism days were over - something that could also be attributed to JJ - Emily cleaned. She cleaned until her hands were raw with chemical burns; until there wasn't one spec of dust in her bedroom, her bathroom; until JJ's scent was replaced with Lysol and bleach; until she had sang her way through every song on her iPod with each scrub; until everything sparkled and glistened and looked so incredibly new but..

It made no damn difference. Those images that she had painstakingly scrubbed away now seeped through the ivory paintwork like blood; not even the images from the past two days, but some that hadn't even taken place in her apartment and had no place being there. The good ones; the ones that contradicted all of this.

To her left, by the window, there was a smaller hand resting against her own, concerned loving eyes holding her together with strength that she could never even dream to possess; and as her character in this movie stormed away, there was that small hand again, grabbing her arm and pulling her back, gentle yet serious words telling her, "You don't have to do this." That was the day that she had almost left, quit her job because of Strauss' political games. She had barely been there five minutes, had barely known JJ for five minutes, and yet in thirty seconds, that woman had shown a genuine care that made it so fluid for her to easily let down her guard that had been an integral part of her for as long as she could remember.

An echoing laugh somewhere to her right stole her attention; one that depicted both a haze of slight intoxication as well as genuine contentment. She couldn't make out the conversation that they were having, but the vibrancy of JJ and the innocent eyes that lingered on her almost made her seem like a child; carefree, and it had been amazing to see the blonde in such a free-spirited setting when, until that point, she had very rarely seen anything other than a seriousness in her eyes that comes naturally with their profession. She somewhat remembered falling asleep some time after that; the ease in JJ's eyes and the comfortable shoulder to her left providing her with her own relaxation that she hadn't felt in years. And she somewhat remembered, too, waking up to those same eyes, the babbling apology on her own lips a mere formality because those eyes, those blue eyes.. they told her that there was no need to apologise before she even had, as well as something else that she was too afraid to even hope for: future opportunities for this very moment.

To her bed beyond the threshold of her bathroom door, where an image with a Parisian backdrop unfolded. Where two small hands clasped at her cheeks, two heavy blue eyes held her gaze, two bodies combined as one and moved at a pace as fluid as the Seine River that flowed beyond the gold-trimmed window of the hotel room, directly below the balcony in a world that may as well have not existed. To the words that she saw swirling in unguarded, blue eyes and the ones that she abruptly stopped herself from saying as reality rushed back and reminded her what the moment truly was: a goodbye. And then to the now glossy, heartbroken eyes that she knew were boring into her back as she burned a bridge that she couldn't progress without and disappeared into the past.

Her gaze jumped over by the shower, to the small hands that cradled a porcelain mug of steaming coffee and fearful eyes that were bravely lead by trembling lips that spilled secrets and begged for trust. Back to the door, and the new image of an embrace that lingered as she took off on vacation and the text message that she had received shortly after she had left that told her that she would be missed: _You better come back, Prentiss_. Out into her bedroom again and the slim shoulders that shrugged as she asked - long before their friendship had shifted to something more than platonic - about a certain New Orleans detective new to JJ's life, and the blase response of, "Yeah, he's a good guy." To both rooms that somehow fell dark but illuminated around hundreds of honest, caring faces that held genuine, loving eyes that trained themselves on her from across crowded rooms, spoke volumes as conversations hummed on around them, made promises to protect her without her even asking for that trust and loyalty.

And as each ever-soothing smile attacked her from every angle, she slumped down on her bathroom floor in defeat and came to the realisation that she had to put a stop to this; a real, definitive stop to this. If mentally distancing herself wasn't an option - as it clearly wasn't - she had to get as far away from JJ as physically possible; because it was too real. She wasn't naive in many things - in anything really - and yet she was wholly certain that she had seen genuine love in JJ, genuine dreams for their future, just pure.. honesty. But if that was so, how had things wound up this way? If she had been so certain once upon a time that JJ was the most caring person who she had ever met, how could it be now that she was the most manipulative? How could she justifiably do a job that required her to read people when she had gotten Jennifer Jareau, someone whom she had worked with for six years, so wrong?

She couldn't; not anymore. Not here.

It was time.


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note: **I think I've said it already, but I truly am overwhelmed by how much you guys seem to be enjoying this story. It's wonderful to receive any review, even if it's short, but with the past two chapters especially, you all seem to be a lot more vocal (that works, right?) with just what it is that you are/aren't enjoying about this story and I get so excited when I get a new review email in my inbox. I love to know what you're all thinking, so good job and keep it up! :)**  
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**Author's Note 2:** Also, I fixed a mistake in chapter eight that you guys apparently neglected to pick up on. ;) I'd written that JJ told Will that her and Emily first slept together after the case in Chicago, but it was after the conference in Colorado. Not a huge mistake but it would have bugged me until I fixed it.

**MTwkdtuna: **No need to apologise. It's actually kinda fun to see which word you will target next. ;) so don't stop on my account!

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><p><strong>Chapter Ten: <strong>**_All in a Weekend_**

It had been awkward. So damn awkward. There really was no other word to describe it. Tiptoeing around Will like that morning hadn't happened, like _none_ of it had happened, and pretending to be a happy family for Henry's sake; whilst at the same time trying to find the right words that they were both desperate to avoid was just so.. _awkward_. It was exhausting, and that is why she was partially grateful when Monday morning rolled around and she could escape that prison for nine hours. Grateful _and_ terrified - because the trade-in was essentially just another prison; one with much less freedom when she really thought about it. Working with profilers was wearing in itself, and it was days like these that she despised her job. Why couldn't she have just stuck with the menial desk job that she had dreaded every single day before she had joined the BAU, but where her thoughts and feelings were able to remain her own without being 'accidentally' stolen by her colleagues? But then, Emily wouldn't be there..

Emily who she still hadn't spoken to. Not one word, not one text; nothing. She felt like that would be somewhat insulting, to both Will and Emily herself, and almost found it funny that Will had prompted her just last night to call the brunette. Was that her life now? With her boyfriend – or ex-boyfriend – encouraging her like a best friend to call her lover? How had that happened? It was all so much to wrap her mind around after spending so long under the cloak of ignorance, and even without that, she still had no clue what to say to Emily. What? That because she had allowed her fear to keep her hidden her entire life she had messed up _their_ future? Yeah, right. No, Emily was never going to find that out – because as soon as the words were uttered, it would become nothing but an excuse, and she didn't want excusing for the mess that she had caused. She didn't deserve that redemption.

And now.. Now she was trapped behind a rapidly flapping jaw; with twenty thousand overbearing questions being fired at her that she didn't even hold one answer to, and as she blinked furiously with each inquiry, her mind twisted and twisted and twisted and twisted until..

"Garcia, stop!"

The bubbly woman's mouth hung open mid-word, her eyebrows raised in astonishment as she fell stunned to the wide blue eyes and the pink flushed cheeks of the woman before her. JJ never yelled like that. JJ very rarely got angry at all, or spoke out of turn, and she certainly never did so with her. Which told her one thing.. "This is real, isn't it, pumpkin?"

JJ's angry eyes softened significantly and glossed with tears as she nodded slowly. "It's real. It's real and I wish that it wasn't."

"Oh, honey." She reached out one of her hands for JJ's, the other brushing fallen blonde hair behind the younger woman's ear. "Was I wrong about Emily? Did she break your heart?"

"No.." JJ sniffled with a small shake of her head; her eyes refusing to meet Garcia's. "I broke my own heart." God, this was such a mess. It was almost like having been in a coma for fourteen months and waking to an apocalypse - only that coma had been her own denial, and that apocalypse was the explosion of pain and betrayal that she had witnessed so vividly in Will's and Emily's eyes over the past twenty-four hours.

Garcia studied the young profiler for a moment. She didn't remotely resemble the woman who she had come to know over the past several years, and she couldn't help but feel a little resentment towards Emily. Even if JJ had just told her that Emily had done nothing wrong, that wasn't _technically_ true, and the blonde was perfectly fine until all of this had started. Wasn't she? "Would you like me to get her fired for like.. harassment of fraternisation or something? 'Cause I can totally-"

"Garcia, it isn't her." JJ shook her head calmly; finally meeting her friend's eyes when her own hardened to the tears that she had no right to display and a look of pure disbelief etched itself across her face. "Why do people always assume that I'm this delicate, innocent, lovely person?"

Garcia smiled with her eyes, her top lip slipping over her bottom one. "Because you _are_, sweetie. Don't you believe that?"

"No!" JJ laughed incredulously. "How could I _possibly_ believe that when in the past sixty hours I've had sex with a _woman_ on the sofa in the house that I share with my _boyfriend_. I've appeared at her door at 5am and told her that I'm so madly, head over heels, write-home-to-mom in love with her and that I'm going to _leave_ that boyfriend. I've been _caught_ by that boyfriend having an affair with a woman who also happens to be his friend. I've _split up_ with that boyfriend and placed Henry in a single parent family. And I've not spoken to the woman who I did all of this for since Sunday morning when that good man, that _great_ man, walked into her apartment to apologise for cheating himself, only to find out that what he had done paled terribly in comparison to what his oh-so delicate, oh-so innocent, oh-so lovely girlfriend had done. Oh!" She threw up her hands as the kicker crossed her mind. "And to make things just that _little_ bit more amazing, that now ex-boyfriend told me just last night that I _really should talk to Emily._" Her eyes were wide and her chest almost heaving by the time that she stopped._ "_Am I still the sweet and innocent person that everyone thinks I am, Garcia?"

"You did all that in one weekend?" Garcia raised a stunned eyebrow as a puff of air burst from her pink lips. "Wow, it's like you live in a soap opera or something."

"You're telling me.." JJ laughed softly; her guilt returning with a vengeance and she looked down at her fumbling hands and spoke honestly. "I don't know what I'm going to do, Garcia." She'd been so determined when she went to bed last night and yet during the eight hours that she had been asleep, she had somehow managed to turn around and head right back in the direction that she had come.

"Well, gumdrop." Garcia scooted further forward on her chair; lifted the blonde's chin and separated her fumbling hands. "First of all, if this genuinely is all _your_ fault, you're going to stop feeling sorry for yourself." Studying her face like a mom trying to fix up their kid before their family photos were taken, Garcia tucked blonde hair behind JJ's ears and swept away her tears with her thumbs. "Secondly, you're going to answer a couple questions. Do you think you can do that?"

The unapologetic way in which Garcia had lead the moment left JJ unable to say no, and right now, she was open to anything that might return some of the clarity that her career relied upon - that the current state of her personal life was relying on. "I-I can try."

"That's all I ask of you, Casanova." Garcia nodded before leaning back in her chair; narrowing her eyes and pursing her lips as she contemplated the first question. "Okay, so.. Considering Will's face when he picked up Henry on Sunday afternoon, I'm assuming that he didn't take finding you shacked up with Emily all too well. But, he's a good guy," – she purposely ignored the _thanks_ expression on JJ's face – "so I know that he hasn't given you your marching orders. What's happening there?"

"He hasn't." JJ shook her head, looking briefly to her hands and back up again. "He's staying in the spare room for now until we figure out what's going to happen. I told him that I could and would leave, but he wouldn't have it."

"Of course he wouldn't. Do you think you guys are gona work it out? And more than that, Jayje.. do you _want_ to work it out with him? I'd say that I'm guessing you wouldn't have cheated if you were genuinely happy in your relationship, but I know it doesn't work that way. Sometimes desire can leave us questioning the happiness we hold elsewhere."

"That isn't an option." She stated flatly, ignoring the implications in Garcia's words that Emily had been nothing more than a mistake born from a combination of pure lust and temporary blindness - she'd answer that unspoken question later. "Even if I wanted that, he told me that he's.." She paused abruptly, nervous to speak her next words because they weren't just words at all - they were truths that she had been trying to convince herself were a lie her entire life and yet they had been a constant fixture of the past twenty-four hours. And when she finally did speak, her voice was shaky with a hint of distaste that was more directed at herself than Will. "He told me that he _'couldn't be a pawn in my pretend heterosexual life'_, because he loves me too much.."

"Wait.." Garcia shook her head in confusion. "_Pretend heterosexual life_? It's 2011, does he not realise that it is entirely possible to have sex with someone of the same sex without being gay?"

JJ looked up slowly, chewing the inside of her lip as she met her friend's eyes and spoke almost inaudibly. "Not when he knows that I'm not at all straight.."

"Woah, woah.." She shook her hand in front of her face when the admission set in. "So.. So, wait.. not only are your feelings for Emily real, but they're.. _real_, real?"

JJ chewed the inside of her cheek again; the soft, moist skin hardening into a welcomingly painful lump with each bite, and nodded her head quickly in response.

Garcia was stunned; it was one thing to find that her very female, very stereotypically girly, very _straight_ friend had been having an affair with Emily Prentiss, but she had just assumed that it was somewhat similar to what she had experienced in college. No part of her had thought that this was actually far bigger than the affair itself, and that actually, JJ had been fighting these feelings for.. "How long?" She questioned softly.

"Uh, my whole life.." JJ stated obviously. "Isn't that how this gay thing works?"

"Well.." Garcia shrugged, momentarily wondering how she could be more clued up on being gay than her apparently very gay friend. "If you could answer that question, Jayje, you'd be a very wealthy woman." When JJ frowned, she expanded on her statement. "Okay, take my best friend for example.. _my best friend out of **work**-_" she clarified in a high-pitched tone when JJ shot a hurt look her way, "-the one I told you about from college. She's been gay her whole life, made no pretense otherwise and well.. it's just who she is, ya know. But then there's people like my other best friend – _you_ -" - she pointed a glittery-polished finger in JJ's direction - "- who somehow just.. didn't know right away. It just sorta comes to them when they meet the right person, I guess."

JJ looked down at the index finger picking furiously at her thumbnail, pressed her sweaty palms together as her voice lowered to not much more than a whisper. "I really did know my whole life, Garcia."

"Your _whole_ life?" When JJ nodded, Garcia's voice and her baffled expression softened. "Oh honey, how did I not know this?"

"No one knew this." JJ shrugged. "Because I really didn't want them to. I didn't even want to admit it to myself so.. So I didn't. I just.. convinced myself that the feelings I had were nothing."

_Wow.. you really weren't joking about this being your coming-out story, were you.._ Garcia's eyes saddened as she realised everything that her friend must have gone through in order to keep up this pretense. How could someone get to thirty-two years old and still be in the closet, when they've always known somewhere deep down that they're really not supposed to be in there? She herself wore who she was on her sleeve daily - literally. She painted it on the walls of her apartment and decorated her office with it; and the only time that she had ever pretended to be someone else was when she was trying to fill JJ's very big shoes. But that had lasted all of two hours until Morgan had abruptly put a stop to such idiocy; she couldn't even imagine doing that every day for her entire life, and doing it seemingly so well. "But, Jayje.. How did you.. How did you possibly.."

"It got easier to pretend." JJ answered the unfinished question. "When you're certain that something is normal, it becomes very easy to follow the beaten path and not even consider veering off course. I mean.. My first time.." Her shoulders curled uncomfortably at the memory and she forced her shaking hands to still as an awkward smile tugged at her lips. "It was.. _awful_. I cried afterwards and ran from his car like it was on fire. But that reaction just left me more determined, and each sexual encounter after that became.." She let out a slow breath as her eyes fixed on something on the far side of the room. "Almost like an act, I guess. I suppose I just learnt to make the right moves, the right sounds and pretend that I wasn't wishing that.." She let her words trail off and her eyes flooded with new tears as she remembered every time that she had had sex with a guy and imagined that his eager touch was that of her college roommate, or the girl who she saw every morning at the coffee shop, or the manager from the restaurant that she worked at to subsidise her university scholarship, or..

And then she thought about every time that Will had made love to her, and every time that she had wished that, even for just one moment, she could have that with Emily; remembering then that she _did_ have that with Emily, that she could have had that _forever_ with Emily, and that, through her own cowardice, she had wasted it. She despised the longing in her chest that that notion brought with it. She shouldn't be thinking about Emily right now, she shouldn't be thinking about what _she_ wanted; she should be thinking about her family and fixing the mess that she had selfishly bestowed upon them. Her priority _had_ to be them – not adding salt to Will's already painful wounds by trying to win back the woman who had played such a major role in crushing his heart. She shook her head to bring herself back to the present when she felt her mind drifting to a place that would do her more harm than good, and ended her brief explanation. "Eventually I had myself convinced that it was what I wanted. You tell yourself something often enough, Garcia.. It becomes you."

"Somewhat similar to self-fulfilling prophecy.." Garcia nodded knowingly; her eyebrow raising when she noticed the look on JJ's face. "What? I pay attention to all your psychological-profiler-crap."

JJ smiled; the first real smile that had graced her baby-faced features since Sunday morning. She had been right yesterday – Will really wasn't the person to be unloading this onto. And whilst, if she was honest, Garcia wasn't the person who she _wanted_ to be unloading it on, she was definitely the only person who could handle it and give her the guidance that she needed without it being a slap to the face. She wasn't her _person_ - because Emily had always been her person for as long as she could remember, and even if she never looked at her again, she always would be - but for right now, she was, and for a moment JJ truly appreciated the person that Penelope Garcia was. How she held the secrets of everyone in this building and still remained the same bubbly, colourful, free-spirited person that she was baffled her; but it was that that made her so unique and really the only person she would ever consider turning to right now.

"This does raise a lot more questions though, sugar.." Garcia broke the silence; speaking honestly, almost regretfully. "Like.. if this _is_ real, and I mean like.. you're-too-gay-to-pretend-anymore real then.." Just then, a thought crossed her mind and stunted the progress of her first point - a thought that the answer to which would tell her if Emily really, totally was the bad guy that she had painted her to be in her mind in the past twenty minutes. "Wait," – her caterpillar eyebrows furrowed – "does Emily know any of this?"

"Nope." JJ slumped in her chair at the reminder that she was still technically lying. But Emily didn't _need_ to know; it made absolutely no difference to what she had done, to the hearts that she had broken, and the last thing that she wanted was for it to seem like some kind of get-out clause. "She has no idea. I'm sure she just assumes that I've always played for both teams.. so to speak. Or maybe that I'm experimenting or something.."

"How could she _not_ know?" Garcia's face contorted at her friend's obliviousness. "Surely you were a little.. I don't know.. rusty in the bedroom?"

JJ smiled somewhat mischievously. "It's amazing what you learn from reading a novel or two."

Garcia's eyebrow arched almost off of her face. "They must be some hella good novels if they kept our resident super-lesbo-profiler oblivious to your inexperience."

JJ shook her subtle smile away and lent forward in her chair. "No, I guess I just.. _imagined_, ya know? I imagined the same things that I had hoped for all those times that I endured sex with guys and I just.. I just hid my nerves well-" _something that this job makes **very** easy,_ "-and I made it happen. Besides, I only ever.."

"Only ever?" Garcia encouraged.

"Well.." JJ shifted nervously in her seat, swallowed and then chewed on the inside of her mouth for a third time as she contemplated the correct words. "I.. I only ever used my mouth.. I can do this thing with my tongue that guys always seemed to like and I suppose that made me a little less nervous than if.." She couldn't bring herself to finish that sentence; couldn't bring herself to imagine a world where Emily knew the truth and treated her like some inexperienced virgin at the age of thirty-two - a possibility that made her feel pathetic and yet at the same time, she would have given anything for in that moment if only it meant that she had Emily back. "Anyway, well.. I only ever did that twice. One of those times being yesterday."

Garcia almost choked on her own breath. "You only ever made her come twice and she still stuck around? Jeez, JJ. She must really love you." She laughed softly before realising that the humour was only found by her as JJ's face faded to sorrow. "What is it, my love?"

"I think she really does.." She sighed. " I think she really does love me and I destroyed it like it meant nothing. I've made such a huge mess. And I've done far too much wallowing in self pity. I just want to _fix_ it, for everyone involved, and I have absolutely no clue how or if I even should." Her shoulders slumped in defeat. "Besides, I'm pretty sure that Emily hates me so nothing matters there anyway."

"She doesn't hate you, Jayje." Garcia rolled her eyes. "_You_ hate you. And you shouldn't. Yeah, you screwed up. Even if it was for very understandable reasons. And honestly, if you ever cheat on someone again, I may have to disown you." She hoped that the twinkle in her eye conveyed to JJ that she really was joking and she softened her voice purposely. "But that doesn't mean that it isn't fixable. Nothing is unfixable, sugar."

"This might be.."

"I don't believe it." Garcia straightened up in her chair – there was too much misery in her flamboyant lair currently and she wanted it gone. This was supposed to be a happy room in the midst of all the chaos. "And I won't, until it happens, which it won't. Now, couple more questions, and I want you to give me the first answer that comes to mind." She leant forward a little. "And I will _know_ if you're cheating, little one."

What harm could it do? She was confused enough as it was – it couldn't possibly make it any worse. She crossed her left leg over her right, leant back a little in her chair and waved a hand for Garcia to begin. "Go ahead."

"Okay.. If you could have thirty minutes alone with anyone right now, who would it be and what would you be doing?"

Her busy mind shot to an instant memory and a question fell from her lips as she rested her chin on her hand. "Can I go back in time to something that's already happened or does it have to be something I'd like to happen?"

"Jayje, I'm not a frickin' time machine, or a magician, or I duno.. some _Being Erica_ shit. You're not _actually_ going to travel back to this moment. It isn't _actually_ going to happen. I can't _actually_ send you back to relive your regret and do it differently." She paused as something crossed her colourful mind. "Well.. I guess if this works I'm technically sending you _forward_ to fix your-" She cut herself off and shook a dismissive hand. "Stop it, you're making me lose track of what I was trying to achieve here."

"Sorry, Dr Tom." JJ smiled. "You may continue."

Garcia fought the urge to smile at the nickname and did indeed continue. "As I was saying, if you could have _any_ thirty minutes, alone with _anyone_ right now, who would it be and what would you be doing?"

JJ smiled softly and verbalised the thought that had first come to her mind several minutes ago. "I'd be with Emily. We'd be in her apartment watching the sun set over the DC skyline. She'd have her head resting on my shoulder, and when I'd look down, I'd see that she had fallen asleep. She'd wake up almost instantly and make some nervous show of how bad she feels about falling asleep on me and I'd just.. smile."

Garcia frowned; the seemingly insignificant nature of such a choice when given free run of literally anything causing a fleeting thought to wander through her mind that JJ should never consider a career as a writer of romance novels. "That was very.. detailed. I guess. Did that already happen.. or?"

"It already happened." JJ nodded, her lips curled into a day-dreamy smile, her eyes sparkling as she told the story; unknowingly provoking a thought of, _now there's the JJ I know_, to replace the original one in her friend's mind. "It was probably about fifteen months ago. Definitely before the night that I began to question my relationship with Emily and looking back on it.. Heh, maybe _that_ was the night that began all of this. I don't know.. But anyway, Will and Henry had gone to visit his family and she invited me over for a few drinks because I was complaining about the house being so empty. So it turns out Emily Prentiss is a lightweight because after three glasses of wine she was fast asleep." She snapped prematurely out of the day dream and looked up. "I have another though, that hasn't happened yet. If that will answer your question better."

Garcia had pretty much gotten the answer that she was hoping for in that one scenario, but something told her that whatever JJ said next was going to answer literally every other question that she was about to ask. "Go on.."

"It's not really _thirty minutes alone with someone_ but it's what I'd choose, if I could.." A small nod from Garcia encouraged her to continue. "Okay, well.. I stand up from this chair right now. I walk out into the bull pen and Emily doesn't avoid my eyes or stare at me with 'I hate you' written across every inch of her face.. Instead she.. She smiles this.. this adoring smile, and she stands and walks over to me. She tells me, in that perfectly proper and eloquent voice of hers that _this is how life is supposed to be_. Just as she says that, Henry comes bounding in and wraps his arms around our legs, and behind him.. Behind him is Will and a woman who.." She shakes her head, mostly to herself as a frown forms at her brow. "Well, she doesn't really have a face since he hasn't met her yet, but I can see in _his_ face that he is so happy. Without fear that his girlfriend is going to suddenly turn into a lesbian, and with complete certainty that she loves him as much as he loves her." She chewed the inside of her lip, feeling somewhat ridiculous for her totally cheesy scenario whilst at the same time completely lost to it. "Everyone is happy and this chaos that I caused doesn't exist anymore. No one is hurting because of me."

Garcia half wanted to vomit at the sickly sweetness of the scene that was just painted for her, and half wanted to make wedding plans for both her and Emily, and for Will and this unnamed woman. But she couldn't ignore the fact that JJ really did have a long road ahead of her. It did, however, tell her and hopefully too, the woman sat before her, exactly what she truly wanted. But just to clarify.. "You do know what that means, don't you?"

"That if I want something that much I need to fight for it and stop burying my head in the sand?"

Garcia was so proud. "That's right, grasshopper." Standing to her feet, she pulled the blonde into a long hug before giving her another mothering once-over and shoving her in the direction of the door. "Now, go on. And Jayje.."

JJ turned back to her friend.

"This isn't going to be easy. You have a lot of trust to rebuild, in yourself too. But it _is_ possible to have both. To fix this in every aspect. They're worth it.. And I don't know what lead you to believe that you had to hide yourself in the first place but _y__ou're_ worth it. Don't give up at the first hurdle, okay?"

JJ nodded before she left the room, and as she slowly, nervously walked the corridors back to the bullpen, she couldn't help imagining that she was about to walk directly into her fantasy scenario. But as she reached the final corner and turned it with a sigh, brown eyes did indeed meet hers. Only.. they weren't painted with adoration, or hate.. They were painted with nothing. They were empty, vacant. There were walls and barriers and red tape; and she fought to grasp onto the lifeline of Garcia's words as she took up a seat at her desk a few feet from the woman who no longer even cared enough to hate her:

_Don't give up at the first hurdle._

And she wasn't going to. She had priorities, she had miles upon miles of chaos to fix that didn't simply involve Emily, but she vowed to herself in that moment that, no matter what it took, no matter how long it took..

She was going to win back those eyes that had once been open to her. She was going to win back Emily Prentiss' heart.


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note: **This chapter was written whilst listening to Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional, hence the title. (FYI, that is a great song and you should all go listen!) If JJ's efforts seem somewhat futile in certain parts; they're supposed to. Mostly because she isn't going to get it right the first time, but also because she still has a long way to go; and, whilst three months are crammed into this chapter, I didn't want to resolve _everything_ in one chapter. Does that make sense? Anyway, I'm really excited about the next update, and if I can tweak it to perfection tonight, you will get it tonight. As always, let me know what you think and thank you to everyone who does so with every chapter - you keep me motivated! On with the story...

**Author's Note 2:** Also, let me know if the timeline of this update is difficult to understand and I will try my best to fix it. It's difficult to include such an abundance of information that spans over a long period of time in just _one_ chapter, but I didn't want to leave out Emily's side of the equation because I think her thoughts and feelings are just as important as JJ's.

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><p><strong>Chapter Eleven: <strong>_**Vindicated**_

The remainder of that first Monday had been a joke. It was nothing but naivety that had caused JJ to truly believe that she could fix any of this by extending a meager olive branch of a coffee – naivety that was soon crushed when Emily simply took the beverage from her, stood and walked over to the sink in the break room to dump out the contents. And as vacant brown eyes stared through her, JJ had watched on with a subtle, sad, child-like frown; trying to keep ahold of any external nuances in a room full of profilers whilst at the same time desperately attempting to remind herself of Garcia's words of wisdom - this was going to take more than a cup of coffee and what she was now painfully certain the brunette saw only as a deceitful smile.

Day two hadn't been much better, and neither had her home life. That naivety really was taking a hit. Of course, on the surface, her and Will were getting along fine; but to a profiler, to _her_, it was clear that they were far from fine. There was a brief smile when she walked through the front door, and a genuine smile as they both, together, put Henry to bed. But as soon as they left his room, there were eyes that refused to look at her, a tension that told her that the man whom she had lived with for four years no longer knew how to act around her, an almost silent but not quite sigh each time he avoided the couch upon which he knew that she had given herself over to another.

And it was almost a week before JJ meandered away from her naivety and replaced it with something else: self-pity. It had lasted barely a day, and was quashed by a few brutal truths from Garcia and Emily's almost mocking words as she had cornered her in the restroom and tried to force conversation: "Aww.. is Jennifer Jareau's perfect life not so perfect anymore? Isn't that sad."

Yes, it was sad. It was devastating. How could she have so many genuine feelings for this woman and have hurt her so much that she would be so cruel? Emily had never been cruel to her any one of the days that she had known her. She had always been comforting, reassuring, loving, caring.. Until _that_ day. But those cruel words that she had heard that morning were nothing compared the coldly spoken words of, "We had our fun, Jennifer, and now it's over. We are colleagues and nothing more. Accept that," that were directed at her before that day was out after she had tried, and failed, once again to coerce Emily to speak to her.

But this was _not_ over.. This wouldn't be over until Emily told her that she 100%, definitely did not want anything more to do with her; and even then she'd fight. She'd fight because she knew herself that fear was a powerful emotion; one that she was certain was part of the reason that Emily refused to even be in the same room as her unless she ultimately had to for a case, or to simply keep inquisitive eyes at bay. She despised that she had literally caused Emily to be afraid of her, but she would fight because _she_ was afraid to do anything but; she was terrified of stepping into what was essentially the unknown, but she was even more afraid of falling back into the past that she had been trapped in her whole life and consequently rendering anything that had happened over the past year and or so totally meaningless. It _wasn't_ meaningless. It was everything. To her..

And when she'd returned home that night, she was so overwhelmingly relieved by the very subtle but very intentional smile that actually made it to Will's eyes, by the easy conversation that they had shared after Henry was in bed that had resulted from something trivial on the television, that over the following week after that had seemed to grow with ease - that she had blindly mistaken it for something else and fell victim to naivety once more. On more than one occasion, that blinded sense of ignorance had caused Emily's name to helplessly pass her lips; on more than one occasion she had had the audacity to try to find direction from her ex-boyfriend; on more than one occasion she had let slip just how much she truly missed the brunette. And it was almost a week later, when that constant reminder finally caused Will's laugh to end abruptly, the twinkle in his eyes to be instantly replaced by emptiness, the easy banter to change swiftly to - "JJ, I don't know what impression you're under but I'm not your best friend or your confidante. I'm the father of your child who was conceived under false pretenses. I am not your _person_." - that she had no choice but to face reality for the umpteenth time and reassess everything that she had thought she had learnt so far.

In that moment, something had changed within Jennifer Jareau and she had awoken the following morning - fifteen days after the bomb had been dropped - with not only an impenetrable determination, but too, a solid plan: no matter what was thrown her way, she would not stop until she had fixed this for all involved and she would do so under no assumptions – even if _she_ didn't win in the end. It was going to suck, and it was going to hurt, and there were going to be so many times that she'd have no choice but to endure how truly pathetic she felt – but she'd do it. She'd do it for Will, and she'd do it for Emily, and she'd do it for Henry.

And every morning from that day on, she enacted the same routine. She'd leave for work early, take a detour to Starbucks where she'd order a coffee for herself and a Java Chip Frappuccino for the woman who, every day, without fail, stood from her desk and walked over to the break room to pour out the contents whilst staring at her vacantly, almost daringly. It should have chipped away at her confidence, and it did a little, but she'd just tell herself: _maybe tomorrow she'll actually drink it._ And the following day she would, without fail, repeat the same determined act; foolishly hopeful that her efforts would be the exception to Freud's definition of insanity.

By now, she was almost certain that Garcia had spoken to Emily, and that the older woman likely, at the very least, knew that her and Will had separated. She wasn't sure that her friend would have shared anything more with the brunette, but not knowing for certain made her cringe; she didn't _want_ Emily to know – not under this circumstance where it would seem more of an excuse than an explanation. She remembered one morning during that third week that Emily hadn't been there when she had delivered her unwanted coffee gesture. And that, around ten minutes after that, the brunette had emerged from the technical analyst's lair and for the first time, refused to meet her eyes. She loved the profiler within her in that moment; because what reason could Emily possibly have to divert her eyes when for the past few weeks, she had gone out of her way to make sure that she saw the nonchalance in them? Unless.. she still cared enough to have some unmistakable emotion evident there that she didn't want her to see. Unless.. _she still cared_. And that magnified her confidence tenfold.

So she ran with it.

She kept up with the unwelcome coffee deliveries and essentially _waited_ each time for the rebuttal that she knew was coming; she purposely posed questions to Emily during cases and used the time that the brunette took to answer to figure out if she had managed to make a dent in those infamous Prentiss walls; she smiled at the older woman each and every time that their paths crossed during the day and willingly endured the blank stare that she always received in return; she left random notes on Emily's desk every single day that said absolutely nothing but, _I will fight for you_, and continued on when those screwed up balls of yellow note paper mounted up in the brunette's trash can. She just _stuck around_ - and she did all of it without hesitation. Because trust wasn't something that was going to be fixed with a few eloquent words – that was how she had gotten around the morons with the media. No, Emily Prentiss was no moron and it would take far more than a smile and a, "I'll treat you better," to fix the bridges that she had, hopefully not, burnt beyond repair. She had to prove to Emily that she was still there, still present despite the road ahead of them; that this was about more than the thrill of forbidden fruit, that it had _always_ been about more than that; and that, no matter how hard she tried to push her away, she wasn't going to budge. Not one inch.

Not even when the brunette's efforts included flirting shamelessly with some unnamed woman on every one of their team nights out. Not even when that shameless flirting ultimately, one night, resulted in a heartbreaking display of far more than just that..

She'd never forget that night. Of course, _every_ night from the very first moment that Emily had taken to that new defense was excruciating. But there was one small detail that JJ had clung to through the pain of watching Emily with someone else – the fact that she may have flirted, may have made out with them, may have cast a smile their way that she had once been certain was meant only for her; but the brunette never, ever, left with those women. Not once. So she had been left certain that it was just a game; one that she was willing to let Emily win and she rewarded her victory by conceding her defeat amicably and leaving the bar prematurely.

But that night.. the night that the rules to that game changed completely. The night that she had held strong and remained at her spot around the table that was bathed with rare laughter and joy that was completely wasted on her; the night that she had sipped her drink and fell tragically captivated by Emily's elegant hands that roamed further than they ever had; the night that she had scurried away to regroup, only to find herself trapped within a stall when two very vocal patrons had slipped into the restroom – presumably assuming that the room was empty – and clicked the door locked behind them as they began their drunken activities. She had rolled her eyes at first as the more vocal of the two people groaned and grunted in pleasure, but when the velvety soft words of, "Tell me what you want.." snapped through her mind, those eyes flooded with instant, white-hot tears. Her chest ached painfully, bile crept up the back of her throat and yet she couldn't help peeking through the slit in the door; the masochist that she apparently was needing to see, needing proof to confirm her fears.

And there it was; painted with porcelain enveloping skin as tan as her own, and crimson lips devouring whilst those fingers, those heavenly fingers that were once hers to own, parted eager thighs beneath a skirt that was nothing more than a belt. But even she was shocked by the boldness that led her to flush the toilet purposely and exit the stall instead of remaining quietly hidden within the shadows until the show was over. Was it that she didn't want to see anymore, or was it that she wanted to remind Emily that _she_ was far better suited to her than any random - quite honestly slutty - stranger that she could ever pick up at a bar? It wasn't actually either.. It was her total concedence to this that was more than cowardice in disguise; it was Emily's prize, her victory reward, one that she had thoroughly _earnt_. And that reward presented itself in the hurt, broken blue eyes that made no effort to hide themselves behind a stuttering apology, but instead met directly with lust-filled brown as soon as she stepped out of the stall. It was the openness in them that she wished that she was permitted to see in Emily's currently black eyes; the openness that she knew told Emily that she was still _very_ capable of being hurt by her actions, that she was still capable of breaking her heart – that she still cared enough for that to even be a possibility. That she always had and always would care. It was difficult enough being bound by those truths in the first place; let alone handing them without condition to someone who wouldn't even look at her unless it was to hurt her further. But if Emily needed reckless bravery, then she would give it. And she did. The unrestrained, telling emotions in her eyes were Emily's for the taking; even up until the point where she had quietly slipped out of that claustrophobic room and heard the brunette's new 'friend' murmur something to the effect of, "What's her problem?"

_There's no problem, sweetheart.. The opposite actually._ JJ had thought to herself as she sauntered away; a confident sway in her hips that probably shouldn't have been there if she really thought about it, but she'd taken something from that encounter that most people wouldn't have. See, it wasn't what was _in_ Emily's eyes that had given anything away. No, they were no longer hers to explore and she knew that now clearer than ever. It was the mere fact that, in a situation where the brunette, or anyone, should have felt somewhat embarrassed or awkward; those dark eyes had simply stared back and hadn't even flinched when she interrupted the moment. Which told JJ two things: Emily already _knew_ that she was in there; it wasn't accidental that she had been forced to witness to such a public display of lust. Which implied something else that JJ seemed to be forever coming back to.. Emily still cared too; a knowledge that repaired every dent and scratch in the courage necessary to continue with her mission, every crack and blemish in the hope that one day Emily would look at her with something other than nothing again, every scuff and split in her faith that this _would_ all be okay in the end._  
><em>

_They_ would be okay in the end. And they would, she vowed in that second.

And back home, on the other side of the spectrum.. JJ had had a whole other plan; one that held the same determination but would yield an entirely different result. She never, ever, once mentioned Emily after the day that Will had so brutally set her straight, because she absolutely refused to insult him anymore than she already had. Instead, she'd return home with a genuine smile upon her face and ask about his day, every single day. Providing there was no out of town case, she'd take Henry to daycare in the morning, before work, before she stopped for Emily's coffee, so that Will could use that time to apply for jobs and piece back the life that she had broken. She cooked for him every single night, meals that she detested but knew were his favourite, and she allowed him to get angry when he needed to vent. She willingly took the painful hint in his eyes that depicted disappointment and caused pain in her own chest because that was all part of her punishment. And then, eight weeks in when the game had suddenly changed course, she had listened as that pain in his eyes faded to hope as he nervously explained to her that the girl that he had been infatuated with in high school, the one whom he had kissed all those months ago, had contacted him and that he didn't know what to do. She had given him advice and eventually became the reason that he took weekend trips to New Orleans when she was home to take care of Henry. She was there for him; she became his _friend_ – something that she should have always been.

It wasn't perfect; it was _far_ from perfect. Perhaps it would never be perfect again in the conventional way that she had become used to; but that was fine, because it was something far better than what had been and was also a very real step towards fixing what her life-long denial had caused. Somehow.. it just made sense, and with every inch of progress that she made with two of the most important people in her life, she felt herself flourish with confidence that she felt had been held captive for all these years. She almost looked forward to her daily routine with Emily, even if that _was_ one sided and the brunette was still refusing to acknowledge her existence unless she absolutely had to. And she almost looked forward to going home too; to Will's latest qualm about this new woman in his life, and the melodic laughs of that man and her beautiful little boy that filtered through the house when she walked through the front door, and the totally broken yet progressively repaired relationship that they were slowly rebuilding.

Which is why, when she returned home one particular evening thirteen weeks in, and his smiling, nervous eyes were immediately followed up with, "I've been offered a job back in New Orleans," her heart had actually sank with genuine disappointment. She wasn't _ready_ for him to be gone, even if she did know that it was best for him and that she couldn't keep him here forever. He wasn't what she wanted – the still ongoing, fruitless routine that she acted out every damn day to win back Emily Prentiss' heart told her that – and she couldn't force him to live a lie.

She'd learnt a lot in the midst of everything that she had lost and found, and she knew that this was simply a step in the right direction to achieving that dream that she had painted so vividly for Garcia months ago. Suddenly that nameless woman stood by the door with Will, the one responsible for the returning sparkle in his eyes, had a name and a face; suddenly the silent words that Henry was babbling were accompanied by sound and depicted tales of all he'd done that weekend in New Orleans with his daddy and "Aunt 'Manda", and what he couldn't wait to show her and "Aunt Em'ly" now that he was back. But that was where the fairytale ended.. because there were still no adoring eyes, no comforting, loving arms wrapped around her waist, no soft melodic laughter or the luxurious, velvety softness of the voice that she had so fallen in love with a long time ago. And it didn't take a profiler to see her disappointment.

"Jay-Jay.." Will began softly as he sat beside her on the sofa and rested his arm along the back. "This was always going to happen. It's _time_. And.. And I know what I said. I know I told you that I couldn't have those conversations with you but.. I think it's time for you to talk to Emily too."

"I.." She didn't know how to respond. Not because she knew that that was something that she had tried and tried and tried again to do on so many occasions; but because she had gotten so used to purposely not mentioning Emily's name to Will that she was caught off guard when he brought up the topic himself and she genuinely did not know how to respond. But what she did know was that this moment was about Will – it was in no way about her – and she wasn't about to turn it into something that it shouldn't be. So she smiled softly and patted his knee. "When the time is right, I will. But I don't think that time is now."

"Then I don't think it is, either." He agreed. "Because when it is, there'll be no question about it."

"You're a good man." JJ smiled honestly as she pressed her hand to his cheek and brushed her thumb over the stubbly skin there; almost as though she was trying to remember the feel of something that had once caused her to feel wholly empty, but that a small part of her was strangely going to miss now.

"I'm the _best_ man." He grinned.

"No, _I_ better be your best man when you finally allow Amanda to tie you down."

"I wouldn't hesitate to say yes if she ever asked. Even if it has only been five weeks.." Will blushed slightly but the words were truthful, and JJ found a little of the redemption that she had been lacking in recent months.

Was it possible that out of the destruction that she had knowingly caused, something positive had arisen? Had it really been fate? Was fate actually there all along, hiding behind the blanket of chaos? She truly believed that it had been. It wasn't _her_ fate - she had definitely been looking at it wrong – but there was certainly fate at play here. There was a happiness in Will's eyes that she hadn't seen in such a long time, years in fact, and it both pained her and astounded her that that wouldn't have been there if she hadn't begun her affair with Emily; that it wouldn't have been there if she hadn't gotten caught; that it wouldn't have been there if she hadn't made what she was beginning to realise wasn't so much a mistake at all: it was an awakening, a new beginning, a whole other chance at life, and she was going to grab it with both hands.

**CM-CM-CM**

There were many things that Emily was fluent with: profiling, pretending, foreign languages, compartmentalising.. the list was endless. But she wasn't good at this. She couldn't do _this_.

Mainly because she had never experienced this.

Throughout her whole life, she had never been chased without having to give some kind of ultimatum first, and certainly not to this magnitude. She was a pro at pushing people away and many allowed her to do so either the first time, the second, and certainly by the third; muttering a 'screw this' under their breath that had made a small part of Emily's heart sink. So this made no sense. At all. It seemed that every effort that she put forth to shun JJ's moves, the blonde had a new one up her sleeve or would simply repeat the same one again like it hadn't just been so cruelly rejected. Where she had seen hurt in the eyes of her past lovers as she had forced them out, she saw something akin to hope in JJ's and a small portion of her felt guilty – not necessarily for shutting her out, but because she knew that even if JJ _had_ earnt her time, she didn't know how to stop now that she had begun this process of ignorance; now that she had been given reason to reinforce her walls in the first place, and she knew better than most that hope was a dangerous thing to fall victim to. So dangerous that, despite how broken she herself was, she still didn't want JJ to be blinded by it; didn't want to see the younger woman crushed when she finally realised, just like she herself had in recent weeks, that hope was just sadism in disguise and would only make reality a far more bitter drug to swallow when she was forced to ingest it. So she had pushed and she'd pushed with every ounce of strength that she had, but that hope sparkling in bright blue just would not accept defeat.

And she'd had that reinforced on the day that JJ had cornered her in the break room. She'd seen the hope in JJ's eyes stronger than ever, hiding behind a shield of self-pity – the hope that they would have their happily ever after even after everything – and she had to crush that immediately. So she had said the cruelest thing that she possibly could and almost felt relieved when she saw that optimism crumble like weathered brick.

She thought that was it. She thought that JJ had gone away to lick her wounds and crawl back into bed with Will – so that _he_ could lick her wounds for her and they could play at happy families - but less than a week later, there she was with a whole different game plan like that day hadn't even happened. She wasn't sure what she hated more; that JJ was still trying, or that a small part of herself was relieved for such perseverance. However, it was later that same day that Emily learnt from Garcia something that suddenly gave reason to JJ's efforts and she immediately felt like a fool.

"It's not exactly common knowledge around the bullpen and I don't want it to be, but JJ and Will aren't even together anymore, princess. They haven't been for a few weeks.."

"Oh wow.." Emily laughed incredulously; her pearly white's still framed by glossy crimson even as she shook her head in disbelief. "Well that makes sense then. Of course she wouldn't like being alone."

"I don't think that's how it is, sweetie.." Garcia spoke softly, a sad frown on her face as she remembered that it really wasn't her place to make confessions that were only JJ's to make - even if she did believe that it would change Emily's assumptions. "It isn't that at all."

"I'm sorry, Garcia, but you weren't there the last time that JJ was left alone for five minutes. You weren't the one whose heart she toyed with simply so that she could keep herself occupied until her _boyfriend_ returned. And I'd appreciate it if you stayed out of my business."

On that note, she had left; an anger forming in the white of her knuckles once she was beyond the door as she recognised that where she should have seen logic – the logic that she had just so easily put forth to Garcia – her heart was actually already taking hope from that new morsel of information. Dangerous fucking hope that she had tried to protect JJ from; dangerous fucking hope that would lead her back to JJ's arms and push her to her knees at the feet of the woman who was nothing but a liar, if only for one more kiss from those poisonous lips.

And as she had turned into the bullpen, unlike recent weeks, she couldn't even bring herself to look at that liar; the one who still held her heart within her traitorous, heavenly, hands – something that she knew was a mistake in itself. Because that one nuance, she was certain, would give JJ more fuel to keep up this charade that left her losing the constant battle between her heart and her mind.

And just as she had feared, JJ's arsenal grew bigger than ever; with dishonest determination, a whole world of deceitful hope, hypnotizing words scrawled day in and day out on yellow note paper, and magic gestures that were insignificant on the face of it but were actually chipping away at her walls piece by piece. She fought and she fought for all she was worth for a further eight weeks.. and yet she was losing; losing against JJ and her own heart, which these days she realised were both banding together to work against her.

Perhaps she should have been grateful for her efforts, but she wasn't; not anymore. In fact, the only thing that Emily Prentiss was grateful for in all of this was her surprising ability to concentrate on the job when her personal life was in such chaos – because it at least gave her a slight reprieve. JJ's actions certainly weren't giving her that, even if the blonde was – _thankfully_ – doing them so subtly that only she would notice; and the moment that she closed her apartment door behind her on an evening wasn't much help either. Especially on _those_ nights. Those nights after her childish act of revenge on JJ in that bar had actually backfired and wound up leaving her incapable of such cruelty, and excruciatingly aware of the fact that it didn't actually help the pain in her chest one bit. Those nights when her natural bodily needs kicked in and she'd lie staring at the ceiling, pretending that memories of JJ writhing in her sheets weren't playing out beside her whilst heat throbbed between her thighs. Those nights when she'd lose again; when she'd eventually reach beneath her panties to relieve the ache and after a few strokes find herself left with nothing but a tighter knot in her chest and more questions than her compartments could handle.

But one question stood out more than others: did she have only herself to blame? Yes, she did. She really should have set the wheels in motion that night thirteen weeks ago when she had first realized that this was a dangerous game to play – and one that she already knew she wasn't going to win. Or that following morning when she had met JJ's eyes for the first time since she had ripped out her heart and had that certainty reiterated to her. And for the life of her, she truly couldn't figure out what had stopped her back then or any day after that; faded lines of, "I'll do it tomorrow," lining the path of her memory. She was intelligent, stubborn, determined, _logical_ – and yet when it came to Jennifer Jareau, nothing was definitive. Everything was open to persuasion, and opportunity for that persuasion was always freely given; almost like she _wanted_ JJ to prove her wrong and redeem herself even just a little bit so that she could justifiably take her back and stop feeling.. _this_.

Which is why, she had to catch her courage in the moment. Which is why, she had to stop making excuses to validate her own hesitance. Which is why, on a Friday morning some time after that thirteenth week, Emily had arrived at work early - long before that damn coffee arrived on her desk to tempt her like the delicious, poisoned apple responsible for Snow White's stupor; long before that deceptive, spellbinding smile burned into her retinas; long before today's show of dishonest determination could even begin; long before the temptation that had controlled her every move for far too long arrived to weave her devious web once more – and she did indeed set those wheels in motion.

And as she scrawled excuses disguised as logical reason onto an official document that held no care for the truth behind her decision, and signed it like it was her last will and testament; Emily found herself basking in a different kind of hope: the kind laced with traces of returning strength and courage, wrapped lovingly with promise, and tied with a neat little bow of honesty that for the first time in months, she genuinely trusted in.


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's Note: **If any of you hate me a little after this chapter (and the two to follow) that's totally fine. I only ask that you trust me to make it worth it in the end. You have my word that I will, but I want to make this something more than your average hearts-are-broken/all-is-forgiven/they-live-happil y-ever-after story, and that is what I'm trying to do. If I'm failing at that, then I will definitely try harder; but if what I'm failing at is rushing the happy ending, then I'm sorry but I'm not even near done with this story yet. ;) there's a lot of twists and turns to come and I'm excited to write every one of them. I just hope that you're all excited to read them!

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><p><strong>Chapter Twelve: <strong>

The surprisingly strong hand that grabbed her arm suddenly and pulled her down a darkened corridor almost caused her to drop the two coffees that she was balancing precariously in her hands, along with a lemon-poppyseed muffin that she was hoping may finally reward her with more than a blank stare from Emily today; the circus act that she had to carry out to keep that from happening as she shuffled helplessly along with her sudden captor ensuring that she missed the implications in the urgency of the gesture itself. "Ouch, Garcia. What the hell? That hurt."

"Not as much as this is going to." Garcia spoke plainly as she locked the door to her lair and immediately began tapping at her keyboard. "Your coffees and notes and.." She looked to the contents of the blonde's hands. "Delicious muffins, are not going to fix this one."

But she didn't miss the implications in that. "Garcia, just spit it out." She snapped in frustration; her heart was now pounding in her chest for reasons that she still hadn't been permitted in her friends cryptic behaviour, but something told her that whatever this was was about change the course of everything considerably.

"Okay, look." Garcia spun back around in her chair and pulled up a still from that morning's CCTV footage; zoomed in as far as it would go and spoke so quickly that the words almost run together. "It was sat on her desk all morning and it took me a little while to see it but by the time that I did it was already too late because now.. well, now it's gone."

JJ shook her head in confusion. "What's gone?"

"The letter of _resignation_." Garcia faced JJ, her words the calm before the storm that she knew was fast approaching. "I almost signed one once when Rossi caught Kevin and I, and I was sure that I-"

"Garcia.. who's desk is that?" JJ's heart stopped and her steady voice belied the panic rising in her chest.

"Sweetie.. It's Emily's." She spoke with sad eyes; immediately turning back to pull up several other windows until she found Emily in the maze of rooms that was this building. But the moment that the brunette adorned her screen, JJ was already impatiently rattling at the handle of the locked door to get out. "JJ. JJ, look at me.."

"Garcia, I don't have time. Will you please let me out of here so that I can go find Emily before.." Her heart felt like it was going to rupture in her chest for how fast it was beating and every inch of her skin both pulsed and burned with a longing that she had never felt before – even in recent weeks. It wasn't heartbreak, it wasn't fear; it was an epic combination of every possible emotion that could ever be attached to unwanted finality, and she was trapped some place between sobbing and shaking. "Please.."

The typically bubbly woman had never seen JJ this way, with nothing but pure panic etched across her face in ways that was almost painful to watch. Honestly, she looked like a drug addict who had finally been called on their ways and was currently begging for their last hit before they quit – and all that told her was that she absolutely was not going to let JJ out of this room until she was certain that her motives were pure. Until she was certain that what she felt for Emily was genuine love, rather than a need to cling to something safe in what was essentially the most difficult period of her life.

She had watched the young woman closely over the past almost thirteen weeks, and what she had seen certainly carried itself as love - but she knew what it was like to fall for someone so deeply that you're blind to every warning sign, and just how difficult it was to break free from that spell; and so she had to be sure that it was more than nothing before she threw the unsuspecting brunette back into JJ's hands.

"Even if she does come running back to you, JJ.. What happens when Hotch finds out about this? Because he will. All it takes is one agent not from our team to see and you're toast." Garcia shot her first question unapologetically, and then the second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth before JJ could even respond. "What happens when Henry asks why Emily is always at your house and why his daddy isn't anymore? What happens when this fairytale doesn't live up to its expectations? When the danger of keeping it out your work life is gone? When the forbidden fruit of being with a woman gets old? When the excitement of the chase is over?"

As her tirade progressed and completed, the atmosphere in the room almost visibly shifted; the tears in JJ's eyes seemed to suck back inside her eyes like a vacuum until all that remained in those eyes were rings of darker than dark blue with a distinct lick of flames that held both anger and defense. However, it wasn't that reaction that Garcia was partially shocked to see – it was the fact that JJ wasn't defending herself, or fighting for herself, or angry for the implicit accusations that had just been tossed her way.. it was _all_ for Emily. For Henry. For this whole change that she had made in recent months for the betterment of those she loved. Something that was reinforced by each perfectly enunciated word that marched out of a strong jaw like soldiers, fearless and ready.

"I have spent every day of my life denying who I am, and for over a year now, I have forced Emily to do the same. Emily who, with every ounce of her being, loved me beyond the lies that I told myself every day, beyond the lies that she still doesn't _know_ I told myself every day, and she won't ever know. Not because I relish lying to her - because I absolutely _hate_ that part – but because she deserves to live in a world where she doesn't have to question my love for her just like you are doing right now. She deserves to feel safe just like she has always made me feel, and whether it takes months or years – whether she leaves right now or whether she doesn't – I am going to prove to her that I am capable of that job. I don't know what the future holds and I won't pretend to, but even with regard to Henry, I can't live a lie anymore. How will that possibly benefit him, Garcia? What if he grows up to be gay, or something deemed unworthy in today's society, and _I'm_ the reason that he spends his life the way that I have?"

Garcia had no words; though, she wasn't even sure that what JJ had offered even constituted as real questions that expected real answers. So she remained silent and gave JJ the opportunity to continue with what she was becoming certain were the most honest words that she had spoken in her entire life.

"I don't _enjoy_ this chase, I don't _want_ the danger - I get enough of that with this job - but I will endure every second of it to show her, to show myself, to show Henry and Will, that I am capable of honesty. And if that means that I lose my job then so be it. Because I _love_ what I do.. but quite simply, I love her more, love _them_ more. And if that also means that I have to spend every day of the rest of my life chasing her – or regretting not chasing her soon enough should she ever tell me that she quite simply just doesn't love me anymore – then I'll take that too. I am tired of living in regrets, Garcia, and I absolutely refuse to allow that woman, that damn incredible woman, to be another regret. So you need to unlock this door right now because if I'm willing to do all of that for her, I am certainly willing to kick down a damn door for her."

"I.." Garcia blinked. "Well, alrighty then. How could I possibly argue with that.." She relinquished her sweaty grip on the key and tossed it to JJ, who eagerly shoved it into the lock and was already half way out of the door by the time that she spoke her next words. "Go get your girl!"

**CM-CM-CM**

She snatched the paper from Emily hands and pulled the protesting brunette into a nearby supply closet as soon as she found her turning a corner towards Hotch's office.

"What the hell are you _doing_?" Emily exclaimed with her arms out wide and a confused but expectant look on her face as the blonde flicked on a light and blocked the door with a broom.

The voice was almost strange to hear; foreign and familiar. Familiar in the sense that she had heard it every day for the past three months given that they worked together and had no choice but to pretend that they were very capable of doing that job; but foreign in that it was, for the first time in those long months, directed at her. And she took a moment to savour it before she turned to face Emily and spoke solidly. "I'm stopping you from making a mistake."

Emily laughed incredulously, a mocking tone returning to her voice that she hated herself for and that, unbeknownst to her, the blonde had already hardened herself to. "Oh sweetie, how could it ever be a mistake when it means that I don't have to endure your stalkerish tendencies each damn day?"

JJ saw the very subtle, very well hidden flash of apology and sadness in Emily's eyes and she bravely took a step forward, her voice calm. "Don't do that.." She whispered softly. "I know I deserve it, I know I hurt you, I know any amount of trust that you have ever had in me is gone but.. don't play that card, Emily. You're not that cruel."

"You don't know anything about me, JJ." _I don't even know anything about myself anymore.._ Emily looked briefly to the ceiling, her discomfort visible when her eyes returned.

"I know more about you than you'll ever admit to yourself.. And I will spend every day proving to you that that knowledge is safe with me. Just, please.." She held up Emily's resignation letter. "Please don't do this."

Tears glossed at Emily's eyes before she looked away again to repair the resolve that she was very aware was crumbling. "I don't have a choice, JJ. I've already put it off for three months. I can't keep them waiting any longer."

_Three months.._ JJ mused as her heart constricted. _That means.._ "You were already planning to leave as soon as you got back.."

JJ voice was soft and broken and all Emily could manage was apologetic eyes that really made no difference to the pain in the younger woman's – something that a part of her enjoyed. However much she hated herself for that, she was only human and it truly did feel wonderful to have the upper hand for once and she willingly gave the elaboration that JJ hadn't asked for nor seemed to want. "Clyde called me right before we met at the courthouse offering me a position to run the London Interpol office with him.. But I.. I couldn't leave after I'd finally gotten you back in my life. So I took Strauss' offer. And then we.." Emily shook her head as she remembered how badly things had worked out from that point. "That's why I came over to your house that night." She sighed. "I needed to know if I had reason to stay. I needed to know if you _wanted_ me to stay. I really wasn't sure if you'd even missed me when I was gone or if your life was just a whole lot easier.. I tried to ask but that just-"

JJ's head snapped around. "That's why you wanted to know if I'd thought about you while you were gone?"

Emily nodded. "And that's why I.. That's why I asked you that night if it really mattered but you just.." She sighed, remembering very vividly what JJ had 'just'. "I guess I left with the answers I was searching for, but they really weren't what I'd _hoped_ for. And then you were just there, JJ." She threw up her hands. "You were just there at my door, telling me that it _did_ matter, answering a question that you didn't even _know_ I was asking, and while you were sleeping that night, I tore up my resignation letter. But-"

"But.." JJ sighed as the events of the past three months, the past seventeen months, washed through her like a tidal wave; almost knocking her off of her feet until she allowed herself to slump back against the door behind her, her hand resting at the back of her neck as her eyes stared off at nothing. And when she finally spoke again, there was some kind of almost-silent disbelief in her voice that was directed solely at herself for being so damn blind. "But I ruined it.. I was your sole reason for turning down the job and I.." She laughed disbelievingly. "I just tossed it to the wind like it meant nothing."

"Not like it meant nothing, JJ." Emily reasoned despite herself, sighing and dropping her hands to her thighs in resignation as she took a step forward. It was ironic, that through all of this, the one thing that she had struggled to find was logic, and yet right now, she had an abundance of it to placate the regret in JJ's eyes. "I should have seen that it was far more complicated for you than me. You have a family. You have Henry to think about."

She wanted to correct her; to admit that it wasn't simply about Henry but the last thing that either of them needed was more excuses. So she quashed those excuses before they could even begin whilst at the same time allowing Emily to believe that that's exactly what it was. "Emily.." She shook her head and lifted her blue eyes to brown. "Don't make excuses for me. I stopped doing that a while ago and you should too. I'm a grown woman. A grown woman who is capable of mistakes."

"I think we're both very capable of that." Emily spoke honestly, seemingly unconcerned for the implications in her words, but swallowing hard when she found her grip on her courage slipping once again. "Which is why I have to do this." She spoke solidly, her back visibly straightening with the words as if she was trying to depict strength that just wasn't really there. "I can't make that same mistake again, and I can't follow you when the only reason that you're chasing me is-"

"Is what, Emily?" JJ's eyes grew intense, her brow furrowed as she pushed herself off of the door and took a step forward that seemed to unnerve the brunette. "What is the only reason I'm chasing you?"

"Because Will left you.." Emily spoke with trepidation. "Garcia told me that you guys separated and-"

"Did she tell you _why_?" JJ needed to know, but when Emily looked at her in confusion, she gave an elaboration that was as dishonest as it was truthful. "I broke up with him, Emily. I told him that I shouldn't be around either of you, and it was very clear from that point that I wanted my future to be with you. I still _do_." She sighed as she looked towards the resignation letter still gripped in her left hand. "I always will."

Emily studied JJ for a moment; trapped between being entirely uncertain and wholly sure. There was so much honesty in JJ's eyes almost hypnotising her but.. could she really go there again? _How_ could she justifiably go there again after what had happened the last time? But didn't she need closure? She could easily up and leave, which she still planned to, but without that closure she would always be tied to the past. Right? That made sense, didn't it? However, just as she felt her walls crumbling much like her resolve, surprisingly bold words stopped her with a question that both caused her to almost sob and, unbeknownst to the speaker, returned the courage that she had gradually lost within the past ten minutes.

"Do you still love me?"

"I.." Emily shook her head, diverted her eyes that she knew were currently betraying her and laughed to hide her discomfort. "I'm not sure how that question is relevant anymore, JJ."

"It is _very_ relevant, Emily. Right now, in this room, it is the only thing that _is_ relevant."

"Love is the only thing that's relevant?" Emily laughed in disbelief before trying to push by the blonde to leave. "You really need to grow up, JJ."

"Don't you dare tell me to grow up!" JJ was angry now; blocking the door with her whole body as she spat her next words. "I have done more _growing up_ in the past three months than you will ever know. I have lived the brutal _truth_ for the past three months and endured that reflected in your eyes every damn day. Reflected in Will's eyes every damn day. I have placed my heart on the line at every opportunity while knowing that you're just going to crush it again. I have turned my whole life upside down and then put it back together. I know exactly what it's like to realise that _fairytales_ don't exist, and the reason I've done any of that is _for_ love. My love for Will, my love for Henry. My love for myself, even. And my love for _you_. So answer the question, Emily. Do you still love me?"

Her jaw locked, her head twisting briefly at how tiny the room suddenly felt under this scrutiny. She knew the answer; she knew but when she truly thought about it, she was both somewhat pleased and disappointed to see that the reason that she hadn't given it yet wasn't because she was afraid to give away more of herself, but actually because she was protecting JJ. "JJ, please let me go. Please let me out of this room."

"No." JJ stepped forward as soon as a flash of colour in Emily's eyes gave her the courage. "Not until you tell me that you don't love me." She trailed her fingers over Emily's cheek, tried to pretend that it didn't hurt when Emily flinched away like she had physically been struck and instead kept her voice calm and reassuring. "I know I hurt you, Emily. I know I caused you to regret ever opening up your world to me and I don't deserve another chance but I'm asking you for one. You still love me, don't you? You still want me.."

Emily almost felt the transition in her eyes. The one that erased tears to nothing more than a faint gloss and turned warm brown to almost black as she lifted a hardened face to meet JJ's; her slender fingers curling into iron fists by her side and she clenched her jaw briefly before she spoke. "I do love you, JJ. Just like I loved you when you broke my heart. Just like I loved you when you lied to me. Just like I loved you when you turned up at my apartment, telling yet more lies so that I would fuck you, fuck away the fact that your boyfriend had just _cheated_ on you. Just like I loved you when I watched you chase that boyfriend out of my apartment like a scared puppy. Just like I loved you every day for the past three months when you would _not_ give me the space to process just how much I don't _want_ to love you." She saw the pain in JJ's eyes but continued anyway; a more bitter tone to her voice that was strangely encouraged by that pain. "I _don't_ want to love you, JJ. I don't _want_ to feel anything for you. I don't _know_ you. I have no idea who you are anymore. So there's your answer. Yes, I do still love you. With everything I have." She laughed and shook her head. "But no part of me wants to. Not one damn part." Her voice softened as she allowed the words to fully set in. "Is it still relevant now, Jennifer?"

JJ stared into Emily's eyes for a moment more, willing the tears in her own not to fall as she waited, hoped, for some glimmer in dark brown to tell her that those words weren't true. But it never came. Somehow, it would have been a world easier had Emily told her that she didn't love her, because that much, she would have known was a lie. But this.. this was _truth_. A painful, brutal, justified truth that left her with nothing to cling to anymore. She had been right; Emily did deserve to live in a world where she didn't have to question her love for her every waking moment.. but what she hadn't considered with that sentiment was that perhaps Emily actually needed to live in a world without her - period. And that realisation felt dangerously similar to the one that she had felt eleven months ago when she was told that the necessary cause of action was for Emily to fake her own death. Perhaps this _was_ as necessary as that had been, but that didn't change how damn empty she felt; and the resigning words that left her lips as she stared at the ground and handed Emily her letter didn't sound like her own. "You can go, Emily." She stepped away from the door, her eyes still downcast; not necessarily in defeat, but more because she absolutely did not want any emotion that was swirling in them to falter the courage that Emily had clearly found. "I hope you find someone who treats you better than I ever could and.. and I hope you find happiness without condition."

Because that really was the one thing that she couldn't give her. She could give her, _them_, a future; but it was a future that already held foundations that weren't her own. She could give her love; but after everything that had happened, that would come with an abundance of uncertainty that would taint that love almost enough that it may as well not exist. She could give her herself.. Actually, no, she couldn't give her that; because when she was still lying about who she was, how could she possibly give her _all_ of herself? No, everything that she could give her came with conditions and for the first time since this had begun, JJ finally realised that it didn't matter how she felt, because Emily deserved more than that.

JJ didn't see it because she was looking down, and Emily was partially grateful for that; but the brunette's eyes definitely changed in that second. Changed subtly to mimic the heart in her chest that hadn't just sunk but crashed explosively to the bottom of some black hole. It was disappointment. Had she really wanted JJ to fight for her after that? Yes, she had – even if it was simply so that she could walk away with her upper hand still intact. But that upper hand was gone; no one was a potential winner at this point. There were only losers in a game that had long lost it's true objective; and she snatched the paper from JJ's hand and fled the small room before she could even begin down that path of back-pedals and fruitless desperation. "Take care, Jennifer."

It was only once she reached the other side of that door that she herself felt the same intense panic of finality that JJ had twenty minutes ago in Garcia's office, and suddenly she was more afraid than she had been in her entire life; even more afraid than she had been when she was trapped in that damn warehouse with Ian Doyle.

_Ian Doyle_, she scoffed. _Ian Doyle who actually offered me more honesty than JJ ever did and he was a man beyond redemption. Ian Doyle.._ And as it crossed her mind that JJ had never once taken the time to ask her how she felt about her undercover days with Ian, ever bothered to recognise any of the mental strength that it may have taken her to get through the past year, the past eight years, ever acknowledged any one bit of it; she straightened her back and marched purposefully towards Hotch's office.

In all honesty, she likely wouldn't have responded to JJ's concern even if she had done any one of those things - at least not right away - but she would have been grateful that she had even bothered. That intrusion would have been _far_ better than the nothing that her now clear mind was recognising that she had received. But it was like everything else with regard to JJ these days - selfish - and it told her, unequivocally, that this was the right thing to do. It didn't matter that the old JJ would have asked; the old JJ would have pushed until she had pulled her out from darkness; the old JJ would have _cared_. It didn't matter that the old JJ would have noticed beyond the haze of desire, the eternal mark etched into her breast and she would have cared to draw attention to it, even if that meant losing the moment and the orgasm that she was so close to. It didn't matter because this JJ wasn't the JJ whom she had fallen in love with - this JJ was someone else entirely. She'd fallen for someone who didn't exist, and it was that thought that carried her clenched fist to knock three times against the solid oak door that, beyond it, held her future.

**CM-CM-CM**

Emily had been gone for fifteen minutes now and still JJ hadn't budged one inch. Instead, she had spent every second stood rigidly still with her back against the shelves behind her, staring at what she assumed to be toner in her line of sight on the shelves of the opposite wall. Honestly, whatever she was staring at was so insignificant, but trying to figure that out was far preferable than trying to gauge what she did from here. No part of her knew what she did from here - just what she _shouldn't_ do.

Like that she shouldn't chase Emily into the open view of some of the country's best minds and beg for the chance that she didn't deserve; the chance that she wouldn't be able to justify being given even if she was that lucky. Like that she shouldn't hope that somewhere between this supply closet and Hotch's office, Emily had changed her mind and was currently on her way back to her. Like that she shouldn't cry, not even one teardrop, because those self-pitying swirls of moisture wouldn't change one damn thing. Like that she shouldn't leave here and carry her sob story to Garcia; not only because she was quite sick of leaning on her so heavily every five minutes, but because she knew without a shadow of a doubt that her friend would do everything within her power to cease Emily's resignation and prevent her departure - and she couldn't take that away from Emily when she had already taken everything else.

So instead, she checked her face in the steel cabinet to her left and swiped away any tears that had fallen without her permission. The rippled, distorted reflection of herself held an image that she detested, but it was at least one that was mundane enough to not alert the prying eyes of profilers; and she left that small room and wandered back to her desk like none of the past twenty minutes had happened. Of course, it had. Of course, there was so much over-analysing in her future that the prospect of sifting through gave her a headache. But right here, right now - it didn't _exist_. It couldn't exist, because the moment it did was the moment that she turned this into something that it just shouldn't; just like she had all those months ago with Emily.

**CM-CM-CM**

"Emily?" Hotch's brow furrowed as he looked up from his paperwork; immediately pushing the important notes aside in favour of his agent, his friend, who looked like she was carrying the whole weight of the world on her shoulders and yet, true to Emily Prentiss form, holding a posture that told a different story. But then his eyes fell to the envelope in her hand and released a breath that he'd been holding since she had returned three months ago - the breath that had been _waiting_ for this day to come. "Why don't you take a seat."

Taking one last look at the paper in her hand, she composed herself and perched herself on the chair in front of Hotch; sliding the envelope slowly along the mahogany surface of his desk before lacing her fingers in her lap. There was no need for formalities - she knew that he was already aware of what was in that envelope before he'd even opened it - but she elaborated anyway as his typically emotionless eyes scanned the document. "I was offered a position in London three months ago. I turned it down initially but after a lot of thought, I think it's time. It just doesn't feel the same being back here and this is a wonderful opportunity for me. I'd be running the-"

"Why are you lying to me?" Hotch questioned plainly, cutting her off as he skimmed over her 'reasons' on the page in front of him.

"I.. I don't know what you mean." Emily lied, her face solid but her eyes betraying her.

"I mean.." He began as he finally looked up, entwining his hands over the paper. "Why are you telling me that this is about new opportunities when really it's about Ian Doyle?"

Emily visibly breathed a sigh of relief - the feeling of which blinding her to the fact that such a nuance in itself would bring her motives into question once more. "I don't know, it's just a difficult topic, ya know? I guess I.. I felt safer claiming my reasons to be something else. But you're right. It's difficult being here after everything and I have a lot of issues that I need to take a step away from." It wasn't a lie but it wasn't exactly the truth either.

Hotch nodded, his eyes downcast before placing the letter into his top desk drawer and speaking abruptly. "You may leave now."

Emily's brow furrowed; having expected to have to endure more from this conversation than she actually just did she felt wholly out of her depths. "I.. don't understand."

"Emily.." Hotch looked up. "You are an incredible profiler, but you should never assume that you are the best. Something that you must have truly believed if you thought that I would buy that display that you just so easily provided me with." The combination of both guilt and regret hidden behind the indication that she was still trying to hide the truth pushed him to continue. "Emily Prentiss would never willingly admit weakness like you just did, which tells me that that reasoning is not entirely true. I will file this for you and sign off on it, because I don't think you would have set the wheels in motion for this resignation had you not thought it through properly, but just know that I am very aware that what you have given me is nothing but falsities and until you can truly admit to me why it is that you feel the need to leave, there is nothing more to discuss. You will work out your final two weeks and then you're free to do whatever you wish."

His eyes were trained on hers; purposely, she knew, reading every emotion in them as his words set in. But she made no effort to insult him further by covering those emotions and instead allowed him to know that he was completely right before nodding curtly. What more could she honestly say to him without causing JJ to lose her job and bring her own ability to juggle her personal life and professional into question? "Thank you, sir." She spoke, only briefly wondering if 'thank' was really the correct word as she left his office.

And beyond the other side of _that_ closed door, she felt something else entirely; something that she hadn't quite prepared herself for. The panic had eased and her future shone brighter than ever, but she couldn't ignore this feeling within her chest. It was almost like pieces of herself were both disappearing and strengthening.

From the balcony, her eyes fell to Spencer Reid; currently running his eyes at lightening-speed over line after line of a textbook as his single digit that skimmed the paper fought to keep up, and piece of herself slipped away with the knowledge that in fourteen days time, his innocence would no longer be the butt of her jokes each day.

Then to David Rossi, his hunched figure seen through the slightly ajar door of his office; his aged eyes staring with both sadness and joy to the picture in his wrinkled hands, and yet another piece broke off and disappeared into oblivion with the knowledge that in fourteen days time, his experienced though somewhat mischievous wisdom would no longer be a part of her every day life to guide her in ways that he likely didn't even realise.

To the darkened twist of a corridor that she knew lead to an equally darkened room that was illuminated from all angles with every color of the rainbow; the room that held the most vibrant, free-spirited woman she had ever met, and the one person out of all of them whose strength she truly envied.. and another piece crumbled.

Back to the bull pen and Derek Morgan; the man who was essentially her best friend and shared his life with her without question but knew absolutely nothing about what she had endured over recent months - both with Ian Doyle and Jennifer Jareau - and she wondered briefly if anyone really knew her anymore. If _she_ even knew herself anymore.

And the answer to that came question fell into her hands at the exact moment that her eyes drifted to JJ; sitting back at her desk with eyes that showed, to her, that she was simply another story to tuck beneath her belt of experience. She'd never wanted to be that to JJ - she'd always wanted to be so much more - but under the current circumstance, she just could not see that happening. Under this circumstance, where she couldn't even trust her own mind anymore, that wasn't possible.

Combined, each one of these people had their stories, their pains, their memories and experiences, and it had all lead them here; to this family. And a part of her truly hoped that one day, this very moment would lead her back here too. But for now.. there was a different path that she absolutely had to take, and one that would remove the safety net of being able to avoid self-analysis in favour of ignorance. She needed to figure out who she was again - who she was without Doyle lingering over her shoulder.

Who she was without Jennifer Jareau.


	13. Chapter 13

**Author's Note: **This chapter took me a week, more cups of coffee than I care to admit and several headaches to write. Apparently I highly dislike writing 'empty' Emily**. **But it's complete, and now I can move on to the next chapter. FYI, the next chapter is going to be pretty fun. Maybe 'shit storm' is a better phrase.. but fun nonetheless. ;) Leave me a little review and I will try my very best to give you an update when I get back from Chicago tomorrow. Deal? Enjoy!**  
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><p><strong>Chapter Thirteen: <strong>_**Ghost**_

She felt like a fraud during those last days at the BAU; the same question burning on her lips that she knew to be on everyone else's: did she care at all? Did she care that she was leaving and, in fact, did she, despite knowing how necessary it was, hold _any_ wish that it wasn't so? She wanted to say that she did, but that was a lie that she couldn't bring herself to tell, so instead she focused on not focusing on it at all; pretended that her imminent departure didn't exist and continued each day like it was any other.

Where she should have been making the most of the time that she had left with her friends and colleagues, she had not only distanced herself from them more than ever but she had also deprived them of that opportunity too. She felt wholly sure that in some way, either with rough certainty or just educated suspicion, each of her friends knew; and yet she left the topic to float there in the air like it meant nothing. Like she hadn't spent the past six years of her life in close proximity with these people, like she hadn't risked that life each and every day with these people, like she hadn't formed seemingly impenetrable bonds with these people.

Like _they_ meant absolutely nothing; just another stepping stone in her perpetually semi-permanent life.

She knew it, knew that she was disconnecting herself, knew that they didn't deserve it; and yet she found herself paralysed and wholly incapable of doing anything about it. She was so afraid to admit the truth, to utter the words, "I'm leaving again," – not because she didn't want to deal with the fallout, but because she wasn't sure that she had the emotional capacity necessary to deal with such a fallout in a way that would render the situation at all better than it was right now. It honestly did seem that from the second that she had exited Hotch's office, she had been left lacking something that actually, she had only mildly held in the past, but at least it had been there. Something had shifted, abandoned her like she was about to abandon them; and now.. now _she_ wasn't even certain that she cared or whether she just wanted out of that prison and on to the next.

She supposed that was why she was capable of looking at JJ these days without her guard up – there was nothing there _to_ guard. Her compartmentalisation skills had truly outdone themselves and finally pushed her into that numb oblivion that she had only ever reached the outskirts of in the past. She looked at JJ and felt strangely close to nothing. It baffled her; she had had all of these feelings for this woman, was certain that she still did, and yet whenever she smelt her perfume, or felt her presence beside her, it didn't evoke a feeling good or bad. It was just.. _nothing_. And that was worse than any feeling, because it told her two things, neither of which she could quite settle on: either she never had _genuinely_ felt anything for JJ and all that had taken place between them was simply fruitless desires of the flesh or a means of finding a feeling in her inexplicable numbness; or, she had felt something so terrifyingly real that she had subconsciously pushed and pushed until that place within her capable of such emotions had given out.

Perhaps, if it was the latter, that was entirely understandable and logical. She imagined it to be similar to when you badly cut yourself, and after so much of the excruciating pain that comes with such an injury, the wound naturally numbs itself to a certain extent until you don't really feel it anymore. Was that was this was? Was her body naturally numbing itself? Shielding her from the the stuff that, through her own denial, she wouldn't know what to do with? The person who doesn't allow themselves to feel is often the most vulnerable, because when that is no longer an option they find themselves without the experience necessary to deal with such emotions; was that her?

But that didn't make sense when it wasn't just JJ.. why would she shield herself from people who had actually never done a thing to damage her in any way? Garcia was one of the most loyal people she had ever been lucky enough to know, and yet when she'd meet her lovingly inquisitive eyes across the conference room table, she didn't even feel obligation. Hotch had fought her corner more times than she could count, believed in her when others certainly didn't, and yet when she found herself on the receiving end – or not, as the case was - of his disappointed diverted stare, she felt nothing. Then of course there was Rossi; the man whom she had shared one of her most closely guarded secrets with all those years ago, and yet when he bathed her with his paternal concern in those last few days, she didn't even blink. Reid and his adorable innocence; nothing. Morgan and his-

"Were you gona tell me?" Morgan yelled loud enough for Emily to hear over the music emanating from her earphones with a relentless, tinny beat.

"What?" She panted as she kept her speed on the machine beneath her feet; a downplaying smile at her lips that she hated herself for. "You're not going to.. to try to stop.. stop me from killing myself.. this time?" Of course, she was referring to their earlier encounter several months ago in this very same spot; instinctively injecting humour into a situation where it absolutely did not belong and unintentionally making a joke of his justified feelings too. The feelings that she should be mirroring in some way but just couldn't.

"No." Morgan spoke plainly and shook his head slowly when Emily finally ended her workout and faced him fully. "I didn't have much of a choice in that last time, did I?"

Emily's intense focus on the mundane task of swiping the sweat from her flushed face with a towel ended abruptly as she saw, very clearly, that Morgan was in no way prepared to accommodate her self-involved ignorance. What had begun as an intentional joke on her part had twisted to a painful reminder of the hurt that she had caused this man a year ago, caused the people she loved – was causing them _again_ without even giving them the courtesy of knowing it - and the nonchalance in her eyes turned to empathy, sorrow; regret. "I'm sorry." She whispered honestly. "I just.. I have to do this, Morgan."

"Why?" He questioned, his eyes serious with just a hint of sadness. "What possible reason could you have to do this?"

Emily studied the man before her for a moment, attempting to figure out just how much honesty she really owed him and just how much she could live with herself for omitting. But that wasn't really her decision to make. Giving some of her reasons, or rather the final nail that had placed her here, wasn't an option. Telling her story, meant telling JJ's story too, and just like fifteen weeks ago when they had had a conversation that held similar answers, that was something that she wasn't prepared to do. "I just need you to trust that this is what I have to do, Morgan. Please trust that. Trust _me_."

"Trust _you_?" Morgan spat; his disbelief causing the words to come out louder than intended and he ushered Emily away from the other agents around them before he spoke again, his voice much quieter. "How can I trust you when the last time I did, I wound up mourning over an empty coffin? How can I trust you when you know everything about me and yet for the past three months you've been nothing more than a ghost here? You've always been private Emily, but you're so far gone these days that a part of me isn't even upset that you're leaving.. Honestly.." He scoffed. "You left us a long time ago."

He was right. He was very right and she wasn't about to argue with him. In all honesty, she was so scattered across this world that she really wasn't here anymore; not fully. There were parts of her in the many countries in which she had spent her childhood; parts of her in Tuscany where she had conducted the infiltration of Ian Doyle; parts of her in Paris where she had spent eight months secluded from everything and everyone she knew; and there were parts of her with JJ, so many parts that the blonde didn't even realise she held. There were so many pieces missing that there was barely any of her remaining, and that is why she had to leave; she had some of the best friends in the world, a family so much better than the one that she had been born into, and she owed them far more than this 'ghost' that she had become.

She had to leave in order to return; she had to lose herself completely in order to put herself back together.

"You're right." She nodded, her eyes unguarded, the emotions in them - though not necessarily more than obligatory - unrestrained. "You're right, and that is why I need to leave. You're worth more than what I can give you right now Morgan, you all are. And I _have_ to do this. It just.. it doesn't feel the same here anymore, and you deserve more than the empty shell that I am these days."

He wanted to protest, to fight against what he was realising was the inevitable, but that anger in his eyes softened within a second and the words that passed his lips were nothing like they had sounded in his mind. "When do you leave?"

She swallowed nervously. "In two days."

"Two.." He couldn't even finish his sentence; his anger returning with the realisation that she had robbed him of the little time that he had left with her, as well as the other that convinced him that he had been right – she really hadn't planned to tell him. She really hadn't planned to tell any of them. "And I was.. what? Supposed to just figure it out when you didn't show up for work on Monday?"

Emily pursed her lips guiltily and briefly looked away; but she couldn't lie – even if that was technically what she wound up doing. "I would have called.." She saw his heart break in that second; literally watched it shatter in his eyes and she physically had to stop herself from reaching out to him because she knew that such a gesture would have been as unrequited as the hug that she had given him when she magically reappeared three and a half months ago. "But you know now, Morgan. You know and I'm glad you do because now we can.. now we can.."

"Now we can what, Emily? Have a 'Sorry you're leaving' night out? Nah.." He shook his head, his distaste still visible across every inch of his face. "I don't think so. If you wana do this alone, you do this alone. And if you don't give a crap then I certainly don't either. Leave right now for all I care."

And with those harsh words, he disappeared without a second glance. But Emily was glad that he didn't look back, because had he done so, he would have seen the tears glossing her eyes and known that they were deceitful. They weren't tears of regret or sorrow; they were tears of obligation, a formality. It was an incredibly empty place to find herself; she only wished that seeing the heartache in him had actually hurt her rather than left her with an even bigger void, that those tears in her eyes depicted grief rather than solid evidence that she truly was making the right decision.

But perhaps she was right.. Perhaps her pain threshold really had reached its max in recent weeks, and now all she was left with was the vacuum that had fuelled her to this point and would continue to do so throughout these last forty-eight hours with the Bureau, her family. The vacuum that, unbeknownst to her in that very moment, would suck and suck her dry of everything that made her human, logical, rational; until she finally lost control completely. And she would. For a moment, one single, hypnotised moment, she would feel something so excruciatingly intense and misdirected that it would turn to chaos within a matter of seconds. Before she could grab it, before she could stop it and place any semblance of logic into what she was doing, such a moment would not only leave her further devoid of feeling towards the wreckage that she was abandoning, but it would provide her with more of that evidence that seemed to be in abundance these days.

It was for the best.

**CM-CM-CM**

Her apartment felt emptier than usual as she walked through it that evening. Of course, it had been physically empty for days; her belongings preceding her to their new life in anticipation of her arrival. It really was set in stone now; resignation signed and handed in, the lease on her apartment permanently signed over to someone else, even her damn couch that she had very rarely sat upon anyway was gone and yet, where she should have felt some sense of nostalgia, some kind of longing for the life that was almost over, she just didn't.

Packing those belongings though.. well that had been a different matter entirely. Perhaps it wasn't Hotch's office where she had lost those final pieces of herself; perhaps those parts were actually in the cardboard boxes currently in a shipping crate somewhere across the Atlantic Ocean. Perhaps they were buried beneath the cushions of her sofa, suffocating under the cellophane protecting priceless paintings, crammed into totes and hidden inside shoes, appliances, utensils. Perhaps they were trapped between all of those possessions that her mother had told her not to bother taking; "It's not like we're lacking in the funds, Emily. For the cost of shipping, you could simply buy new things." But this was the woman who had taught her that everything was disposable; including people. She didn't understand. She didn't understand because she had never felt attachment to something any day in her miserable life and perhaps this was Emily's way of convincing herself that she wasn't like her. She would never be like her.

Of course, the Ambassador had been particularly excited about the news of Emily's career change; something about having a daughter to be proud of, the subtext that such a thing would do wonders for her reputation. She hadn't even tried to hide her clearly elite parenting skills during that phone call and perhaps that was the reason that, aside from Hotch, she was the only person that Emily had flat out told – she knew that she wouldn't have to make any pretense with her. She wouldn't be looking for or expecting emotion anyway since the woman was so wholly devoid of such a thing.

If there had been any point in all of this though, since she had left that resignation letter in Hotch's hands, that she had even considered storming in there and snatching it back, it was that previous Saturday; the one that she had, against her mother's advice to at least allow the removal men to do it, spent almost every hour packing up the priceless heirlooms, elegant furniture and inanimate objects that on the face of it meant nothing, but really meant everything. That was why she couldn't simply 'buy new things' as her mother had so graciously put it; because new things wouldn't tie her to the memories that she didn't want to lose to her compartments when her own mind wasn't allowing such nostalgia. It wasn't their cost – though it was fair to say that almost everything that had been in her apartment held a price tag greater than most could afford. No, it was the price tag that didn't hold a monetary amount that caused her to hold them so dear; the one that told stories and evoked pain, remembered experiences and caused a genuine smile to creep across her tired face as she sunk to the hardwood floor of her now boxed up living room that Saturday evening.

Her couch; the one that looked as though it had come with the apartment for how well it fit with the décor, but such a thing was really accredited to the interior designer that her mother had hired for her as a 'congratulations' gift in place of dinner or her actual presence when she had gotten her position with the BAU. It still looked as pristine and new as the day that it had been delivered, which was mostly down to the fact that she was never home to actually sit upon it, except that one time.. That one time when she had felt so wholly comfortable and content in a single moment that she had fallen asleep with the scent of spicy perfume surrounding her and a warm body beside her, against her. The night long before this mess, the night that really wasn't significant but was everything because it represented a time when her and JJ weren't this broken pile of nothing that rendered everything that they had shared somewhat meaningless. Those moments with JJ were rare considering the backdrop of their relationship; about as rare as the occasions that she had actually sat upon that couch and that's what made it special. That was why she couldn't leave it behind.

The walls lining her hall; she couldn't take them with her obviously and it was an entirely ridiculous concept, but there was this small piece of her that wanted to frame those walls. Cut out just one square and encase it in a gold trim.. because that was where it had happened. That was where her and JJ had shifted from friends, possibly just friends, to no-questions-about-it, 100% lovers. It had been bittersweet, especially in the end and it still was; but she'd never change one part of it for anything.

The kitchen island where she had sat with Garcia and JJ on girl's night, that had actually wound up as poker night during which she had kicked both of their arses; the TV on which she had watched god awful horror movies with Morgan and Spencer on the nights that they had strangely dubbed 'boys night'; the coffee table where Rossi had set the priceless bottle of whiskey that he brought over as a 'glad you're alive!' gift several months ago; the bed in which she had explored every inch of Jennifer Jareau's body, studied her angelic face as she experienced heaven and actually felt something more than nothing. Something real, something intense and consuming.. something that, right in that moment, combined forces with the unforgettable, imminent finality and made it's presence known in cooling lines of liquid gracing her cheeks and splashing against her hand.

But that was then, many days ago, and this was now.. A new day, a new Emily; one that so painfully resembled her mother that she could almost feel the cracks in her face whenever she tried to smile, frown, display any kind of emotion other than robot-mode.

The only thing left in her apartment aside from the essentials was the ghosts that echoed deafeningly around the naked walls, bounced off of the barely scuffed hardwood floor beneath her and swooped into the box by her feet; the forest green, worn, medium-sized metal chest that deserved more than to be wrapped in cellophane and posted out into the world. It was no bigger than a mail box, and of course it would have to be checked at the airport, but it had come with her this far; it wasn't leaving her side now, even just for a matter of days. It moved with a slight shuffling sound as she took up the same spot that she had spent hours in just days ago and slid it in front of her now crossed legs. The DC city lights that shone into her apartment and lit the otherwise darkened space illuminated each individual item that she pulled from the box in some kind of angelic glow, and she found it funny that such a small space could hold basically her entire life, but essentially it did.

She was someone who kept things, kept little mementos to remind her that she had a human side, even if it did like to show itself sporadically. In moments much like this, it was an important knowledge to cling to, especially considering the example that she had been led by her whole childhood. It was an act that she had conducted many times throughout her life, every time that she had had to up and leave the place that she had finally adapted to and jump to a suddenly new and foreign life, only to make those same adjustments once again. Perhaps a part of her was hoping that wandering through the contents of this otherwise plain, forty year old box would evoke the feeling in her that she was searching for, provide her with the substance necessary to bridge the gaps that she would be leaving behind, but she couldn't help but wonder if one day, the life that she had had here would wind up like the rest of it.. reduced to nothing but a few mementos in a box that was very seldom opened.

Item number one.. A now dulled silver chain with a St. Christopher pendant attached that Matthew had given to her right before she left, for probably the tenth time, to start a new life; the thin, wearing silver links weaved purposefully around a small faded piece of card that held some pro-life message that had been handed to her outside of the abortion clinic all those years ago. It seemed odd and somewhat crass that she had even kept such a thing, but in some strange way it kept her grounded. It was the only physical memory that tied her to her unborn child – however contradictory it technically was – and it was always, without fail, the very first thing she pulled out of this box whenever she wandered down memory lane.

She pressed her lips to the faded paper, and much like she always did, she found a whole new world behind her closed eyelids. A world where she now had a twenty-eight year old child; a world lined with memories of diaper changes and first steps, where tiny fingers gripped onto her own and innocent laughter filled her ears. A world where reputation and disapproval overshadowed those small delights and when she opened her eyes again, she still, much like every other time, struggled to figure out whether she had made the right decision. It was a memory that haunted her without reprieve, and just like every other day of the past twenty-eight years, she could only hope that on one of them, she would open her eyes to either redemption or condemnation.

The next item was a new one, but even in that moment she knew that it would forever be the second memory that she would pull out of this box in the meticulous order that she had created over the years; considering its predecessor, it just seemed appropriate. Two sides of the scale, yin and yang. She remembered the day that she had gotten it; the day when Will had stopped by the BAU after he'd collected Henry from daycare to take JJ home. It had been a particularly tough case on all of them and yet it wasn't the case that she remembered when she stared at the brightly coloured, somewhat abstract painting in her hands; it was the small, blonde boy that had come wandering over to her desk with nothing but pure innocence in the cerulean eyes between his furrowed brow. "Why are you sad, Aunt Emmy?" He had asked with genuine concern that Emily had sparsely ever found in an adult, and before she could formulate a child-appropriate answer he had somehow understood her guarded nature; handed over the artwork and added, "I made this for you." It had felt somewhat wrong to accept that painting whilst she knew the truth; whilst she knew that she was technically betraying this tiny human-being that had never once done a thing to hurt her.. And with a guilty look that depicted their shared secret to JJ who was watching from the opposite side of the bullpen - JJ who represented such a complex portion of her life - she took the offered picture, grateful for the simplicity that Henry's mere presence cast upon her. Perhaps it should have been a tainted moment; perhaps this physical memory as a whole should be somewhat tainted and yet it wasn't. It reminded her of the ease that her and JJ's relationship should have been born from, flourished into and faded out as; the free-spirited way in the which the multitude of colours swooped and swirled across the paper reminding her that 'never' is a redundant word. It reminded her that she may have walked through a mine field to get this far, but she had at least made it this far; she had at least been witness to some incredible things along the way, however insignificantly they had shown themselves. It reminded her of hope.. the good kind of hope. The kind of hope that she had felt that morning fourteen days ago as she signed away her life; the kind of hope that she wanted, needed, to keep hold of.

She flipped through memory after memory, drawing out the moment to give each memento the time that it deserved and truly experience any feeling that it evoked within her: the worn, gold matchbook from her days with Ian Doyle; key cards from every hotel that her and the team had stayed at when out of town on a case; a pink fluffy pen stolen from Garcia's office that the memory of such an act evoked a small but real smile; napkins upon napkins scrawled with messy drawings that Spencer had mindlessly created during his lunch break and, with a little begging, had given to her as a gift; a greeting card, faded now, from that one time that her mother had found her human side and actually written something worth reading.

She rediscovered everything like it was the first time - though, still painfully devoid of that feeling that she had been searching for when she began this - and it was almost 11pm when she came to the final piece of the puzzle of her life so far; the piece that had only been added a matter of weeks ago. The crumpled pieces of yellow paper almost bulged out of the confines of the small bag holding them, and she had to laugh at the explanation that she had concocted for the cleaner who she had had to chase to get them back. Perhaps she could have simply lied that it was evidence for a case that shouldn't have been thrown out, and in the FBI headquarters that would have flown; but she had been so frustrated with herself for even wanting these back that she hadn't really put much thought into it. "Uh.. I like paper?" It really had been more of a question, and one that received her a silent question from the cleaner as she, through clear fear for her own safety, handed over the plastic bag of scrunched up balls of paper. Of course, this was the same cleaner whom she had fought with for weeks against her taking away that trash can until she eventually lost that battle, so there was already some semblance of understood craziness between them. She had shoved them in this box that very night and forgotten about them until now; until they were sprawled out like bright stars across the dark wooden paneling beneath her; '_I will fight for you. I will fight for you. I will fight for you,_' repeated like a wish across each of those stars.

"I wouldn't fight for me.." She whispered, feeling pathetic enough to shove them back into the clear trash bag that she had just pulled them from.

And with that, in reverse order, she began the process of placing each memento back into that box; some kind of clear, unalterable understanding now that this really wasn't just about JJ. It was about every one of the pieces – every one of the pieces that in some way, depicted a regret rather than a fond memory. It was about finding a place where she was both free and grounded; both things that she didn't feel here anymore. It was about searching and finding, not searching and cowering away when she reached a memory that she didn't want to revisit. It was removing every safety net that she had ever enforced and allowing herself to free-fall into the unknown.

It was turning towards the light, the one that often blinded her, for the first time in her forty-three year existence and truly experiencing what it had to offer; something that she vowed she would begin tomorrow, in a small office, in a large building, in a huge city, even if that meant faking it.


	14. Chapter 14

**Author's Note: **This is mostly directed to the guest review that stated how annoying it is that Emily is portrayed as the bad guy: I haven't gone out of my way to paint either Emily _or_ JJ as the bad guy, or as the good guy either; I've only written how the people around them may see the situation through their eyes with the information that they've been given (or not been given, in most cases), and perhaps how each woman sees themselves too. There's bound to be assumptions cast around them in this situation, especially as the reality of their relationship comes to light for everyone else, but my job is to place reason into those assumptions, and reason into their actions (even if that reason is that they're just bad people, which they're totally not) which is what I'm trying to do.**  
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**Author's Note 2: **After the next chapter, the angst will ease up a little as each woman embarks on a new path. Whether that path leads back to each other.. well, I guess you'll just have to wait and see. ;) Thank you to those of you still following this, it's important to my motivation that you still are and every review I get feeds my muse pretty nicely. Please keep them coming so that she can keep giving me ideas to continue with this story!**  
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><p><strong>Chapter Fourteen: <strong>_**Almost Lover**_

_Seven hours_; that's how long JJ had had to sit behind Emily after their conversation in the supply closet, tracing the graceful curl of her shoulders and memorizing every curve that her eyes could reach. As she had just so brutally learned, it wouldn't be long before that elegance and impeccable, ageless beauty was no longer a staple in her daily life, and she needed these hours to ensure that she remembered every inch. Besides, following the line of faint stitching along the back of Emily's tailored, dark grey blazer, or studying each and every brown-black hair that fell like silk against that material, or analysing the way that her posture was both masculine and feminine; was far better than remembering the reason that she was having to do such a thing in the first place.

_Ninety-one minutes_; that's how much sleep JJ had had the night that Emily had handed in her resignation. She'd tossed and she'd turned but she had found no position that made her feel comfortable enough to fall into even a semi-peaceful state. See, the difference wasn't simply that she knew what it was like to fall asleep beside Emily – she'd endured the past three months without that and actually slept relatively okay for the most part – it was the knowledge that it would _never_ be hers again. Coming to terms with losing something isn't so bad when there's still a chance that you may experience it again, that you even slightly have a choice in the unwanted situation – essentially, nothing is really lost at that point, it is simply postponed. But this, the now.. this was so final. It was so final that she couldn't even convince herself that maybe, one day, she would experience the blissful comfort of the heat of Emily's body pressed against her again; that all her efforts would prevail, she'd find redemption and be permitted admittance to that heaven once more. Now, she had nothing to cling to, and even the pillow that she pressed against her back to mimic the brunette's presence made no difference. In fact, it made it worse.

And that was her routine every single day for those final days preceding Emily's departure. Sometimes, the surroundings or the location would change, depending on whether they were out on a case, or if she was sitting in Garcia's office, or if she was in an empty hotel room rather than her own bed; but the act itself remained the same. The _feelings_ remained the same. It almost felt like acceptance, even though she knew that she would _never_ truly accept her loss, and it was similar to defeat too, but she also knew that in all truth, it couldn't really be defeat when Emily technically wasn't victorious either.

Emily.. the one constant to the correlation, the main factor in what was now an engrained act. With Emily to focus on, she could pretend; without Emily around, pretending wasn't an option. She knew that there was far more to that realisation than she had allowed herself to comprehend in the early hours of the morning when it had crossed her mind, but she would analyse the implications of that at a later date. For now, she would continue the same routine that she had each and every day: analysing Emily by day; trying and failing to avoid analysing herself by night. And it would be a further two days, when her ability to pretend boarded a plane to a new life, before she'd finally recognise the message that she was missing in her self-concluded realisation. A further two days before a clear path emerged in the wake of the brunette's departure.

She didn't really talk to Emily anymore aside from professionally, couldn't bring herself to through fear of losing the semi-numbed bliss that she had found herself in; the semi-numbed bliss that was and would be necessary to endure the fact that the woman she loved was walking out of her life willingly. It was a welcome feeling really, even if she didn't quite understand it. Emily was leaving, after everything, after every ounce of effort that she had put forth to keep her over the past few months.. and yet it was like she'd given up the fight, tossed in her gloves and sat on the side watching as the brunette studied her victory like she herself was coming to the realisation that there really were no winners in this. For the first time, it was like they were on the same page and when their paths did cross; there was no longer a vacant stare, but actually some kind of understanding between brown and blue. Was it possible that after all of this, it would be distance that would bring them closer together? That was a notion that JJ couldn't even consider anymore - having had hope remove its guise before her very eyes and reveal its true nature – and instead she was simply grateful, placid, almost robotic.

Almost robotic until the day before Emily left, when everything came to a head in such quick succession that neither one of them had been able to grab it; the explosive finale to this whole tragic love story that would probably be used in seminars one day to portray the cons of intra-office relations to young and budding agents.

It had seemed like any one of the other fourteen days that she had become used to when she arrived at work that morning, only marred slightly by the fact that it would be the last that began this way; but as soon as she took a seat at her desk to begin the routine of studying Emily like a complex algorithm and the object of her attention turned to face her abruptly.. everything changed.

"Which part are you going to focus on today?"

Her eyes both widened and looked around nervously at the bold question and she could feel her cheeks flush red as she stuttered. "I.. I don't.." There was something similar to a smirk on Emily's lips though, and she genuinely wasn't sure if it was an olive branch or some kind of twisted power game that would ensure that she left tomorrow morning with the upper hand that she had already been given; and JJ's nervous stuttering turned to a solid response that assumed the latter. "I'm going to focus on the cases that I have on my desk like I do every other day. What about you, Agent Prentiss?"

_Apparently I'm going to focus on how much of a bitch I can be to you in order to forget the fact that I'll be saying goodbye in eight hours and that I probably won't even get that goodbye._ She was shocked at how honestly her brain had answered such a question – even if it had remained in the confines of her mind, it was still untypical for her to actually admit the truth to herself and such a surprise forced a response from her lips that, unbeknownst to her, would set the wheels in motion for the majority of this day to transform into something that it shouldn't have been. "I'm going to focus on how I'm going to decorate my new office in London." _No.. no, I did not just say that._

_No.. no, she did not just say that._ "How about black?" JJ responded casually, somehow managing to keep the hurt out of her voice as she stood to head over to the break room. "I think that colour would be perfectly suited to you."

Emily didn't respond, too overwhelmingly angry at herself for saying something so unnecessarily cruel that she just turned away and directed her gaze to the open file on her desk; her eyes focusing intently, her mind analysing everything _but_ what was in front of her. She should have recognised the feeling really – the seams splitting within her – but she was too wrapped up _what_ she had said to even begin to recognise what it meant to have had said it at all. But when she finally realised that she had read the same line seventeen times, she abruptly stood and began the process of making the heartfelt goodbyes that her apparently black heart could hopefully muster.

She didn't even look at JJ as she passed the break room – no, that one would wait until later. Right now, she had apologies to make elsewhere and before she knew it, she was stood outside the nondescript door to Garcia's lair, raising a hand to knock that shook with nerves that she hadn't recognised that she was feeling. And as the voice beyond the door yelled, in some colourful fashion, for her to enter, she had to consciously force herself to not walk away – Garcia's response to her presence when she finally walked through the door making her wish that she had.

"Oh.." Garcia turned back to her computer; the vibrancy leaving her voice instantly. "I thought you were Morgan."

_Ouch.._ Clicking the door closed behind her, Emily stood for a moment like a child waiting to be scolded before finally finding the courage to speak; though, her words were likely what neither of them had been expecting. "I did treat her right, you know.." _Did being the operative word_, she mused as she remembered what had just unfolded in the bull pen.

Garcia spun slowly in her chair, her eyebrow raised in both disbelief and curiousity.

"Look, Garcia.. This.." She sighed; the ever eloquent Emily Prentiss somehow not so eloquent anymore. "I.. I just.." She stuttered some more before Garcia finally took pity on her.

"I know, honey." The blonde nodded. "I know that if you had had any choice, this wouldn't be how things turned out. I know you wanted better for you guys, she did too. But I also know that sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the very _same_ thing and that none of us are impervious to that. JJ knows that as well." She watched Emily swallow with either sorrow or uncertainty – she wasn't certain which – before she continued. "That isn't my issue though, Emily. Well.." She laughed humourlessly, knowing that there was a whole world of things left unsaid between the two agents that would now likely never be said - but it wasn't her place. "Not my only issue at least."

Confused brown eyes snapped up.

"My issue is similar to Morgan's, Emily." Her eyebrows furrowed sadly. "Except I know more than he does, which means I know that you're leaving because of a broken heart. Did we really make it that easy for you to walk out of our lives? And do so without even warning us. Did we not earn the right to _know_, or the opportunity to stop you?"

For the second time in two weeks and the first time since Morgan had stopped her in the gym just yesterday, Emily actually felt something. Actually allowed herself to feel something; even if it was minute. And where she had stopped herself from caring with Morgan and instead gave some stuttering consolation, she actually permitted genuine words to redeem the implications in Garcia's. "I'm not leaving because of a broken heart, Garcia." She shook her head. "Honestly, JJ is only one factor in a long line of many and I.. I don't know who I am anymore." _The bitch that just emerged in the bullpen showed me that._ "That's why I have to leave and.. No, you didn't make it easy. This _isn't_ easy." She pulled a seat from the desk to Garcia's left and placed it directly in front of the blonde woman before sitting upon it. "If I didn't care, I would've have made some big typical show of apology and how much I was going to miss you but I.. I can't do that with you guys. It's.." She looked up slowly, allowing Garcia to see the honesty in her glossy eyes. "It's easier to ignore it than face how much I really am going to miss you all. Because as soon as I think about that, I begin to question if I should leave at all. It's the only thing strong enough that could ever make me stay."

"Then don't _go_, Emily." Garcia implored softly. "Stay. We can figure out whatever it is without you flying half way across the world. Just.. just stay."

"I can't.." Emily whispered, only somewhat regretfully. "I can't stay, Garcia. Not now."

"What if I.." Garcia began, desperately clutching at straws; she must have been if she was genuinely considering breaking JJ's trust and she was grateful when Emily redirected her comments. "What if I told you I know why you and JJ wound up the way you did?"

"Then you'd be a more insightful woman than me, but I think both know that you are already." Emily smiled.

"No, Emily, I mean-"

"I know what you mean, Garcia." The brunette soothed with an understanding nod. And she did know - not necessarily _what_ it was that JJ had been battling, but certainly that she was battling something. It had been far easier to convince herself that the blonde was conniving and malicious, but she wasn't stupid; she knew that she wasn't either of those things and the portrayal of that in her own mind had been no more than a means to end the ache in her chest - a feeling that she would be grateful for right about now. "I also know that it wouldn't make a difference. Perhaps JJ does have reasons for everything that happened.. I'm not sure I'm just being naive in refusing to believe that she's just a bad person. But honestly.. it _doesn't_ make a difference. I'm not leaving because of how things wound up with her, I'm leaving because I'm grateful that they wound up that way."

"_Grateful_?"

"Grateful." Emily nodded, realising the sentiment for the first time herself. She truly was grateful; she needed this, she needed to leave, and she'd known it from the very moment that she got the offer from Clyde too. But if she had had JJ in her life in a bigger capacity than she did now, she would never leave, however much she knew that she needed it. "This.. this decision has been a long time coming, and I'm not sure that had JJ and I gotten together under better circumstances, that I wouldn't still need to leave. And I couldn't do that to her so I'd just stay.. but in the long run that wouldn't help either of us."

Garcia nodded sadly, Emily's logic something that she just couldn't argue with; all she could do was accept it and hold onto the hope that one day, when she had found what she was searching for, the older woman would return. "Nothing is forever, Emily." She spoke softly and placed her hand on the brunette's. "Which.. I know you're realising right now. But that also means that regrets can't last forever, either. So if you ever, _ever_, regret this decision, we will always be here. You hear me? Always."

Emily allowed her sad eyes to meet Garcia's once again and squeezed the hand currently brushing a comforting thumb over her own.

"Please don't ever forget that, Emily." Garcia repeated, desperate to get through to the ever-stubborn Emily Prentiss. "We're your family and the love of this family is unconditional. We will welcome you with open arms once you find what it is that you're searching for and return to us. Just know that you _can_ return to us. Promise me that you know that?"

"I promise." Emily responded honestly and tucked the reminder somewhere behind her heart, certain that she would need it one day. "I promise I know that."

"Good. Now.." Garcia swallowed back her tears and patted Emily's hand. "You should go before I start crying."

Emily smile, grateful for the light-hearted tones of her words as she stood and pressed a kiss to Garcia's cheek. "I will come say goodbye before I leave, okay?"

"No you will not." Garcia spoke sternly, her vice softening. "This isn't goodbye, Emily. You know that as well as I do." There was a silence that she wasn't sure was Emily's agreement or denial, and she quickly ended the conversation when found herself strangely certain that it may be the latter; she didn't even want to consider the possibility that Emily may never return. "Now, off you go! And, Emily?"

"Yeah?"

"Make sure you give JJ the courtesy of a goodbye."

A part of her felt frustration begin somewhere within her chest that she wasn't certain of the reason for. She supposed it was the use of that word - 'courtesy' - like she owed JJ something in all of this. Did she owe her anything? Whilst she knew that JJ wasn't necessarily the bad guy, some days it felt like she was given instant reprieves for her actions simply because of the naturally innocent air that she held. But that wasn't JJ's fault, it wasn't really anyone's fault, and when she really thought about – when she realised that her first sentiment that she had given as soon as she walked into this office was probably a lie – she realised that with this ghost that she had become these days, she herself probably really was deserving of at least some of that blame. Perhaps she did owe her that goodbye. "I'll think about. But I have some other things I need to tend to first."

And off she went. First to Rossi's office, where she thanked him for being a silent support to her since learning of her abortion; thanked him for being the father figure that she had never actually had. Where she gave him the opportunity to be disappointed that she had even considered not permitting them the chance to say goodbye, and basked with teary eyes as he told her that in a lot of ways, he understood.

And then to Reid, where she had had to physically grab ahold of him to stop him from storming away in anger when he heard the news. Where that means to an end had actually turned into a tight embrace as he sobbed against her shirt and she, true to form, fought the tears in her own eyes; willed the emptiness in her gut to allow her even the chance to cry and show her young friend that she did care. She really did care.. somewhere very deep down.

By lunch time, there were still people whom she needed to say goodbye to – Morgan especially - but it had taken her all morning to even begin to explain to those three in such a way that they accepted, that now she was exhausted. She was frustrated with herself that, though she had made it believable, she still wasn't giving her friends the feeling that they deserved; angry that in a situation where she should be heartbroken, she really felt nothing but a few sparse flickers of electric that fizzled to nothing just as quickly as they sparked. Something was missing that really should have been there. Which is why she had really stood no chance against herself when she had left a silent Reid in the conference room, quietly clicked the door closed on the grief that she had just caused in the young guy, and was immediately met with the sight of Jennifer Jareau heading into the supply closet that the she had cornered her in two weeks ago in attempts to stop this very train wreck - the train wreck that was about to explode before their very eyes through her own actions.

It hadn't been her intention when she followed her into that room – she had actually wanted to apologise, to repair the damaged bridges between them at least a little before she left – but as soon as the door was jammed closed with a broom behind her, something snapped within Emily and threw her into an irrational world where everything was JJ's fault. A world where she truly experienced what it felt like to lose complete control of her own mind.

JJ's fingers dug into the shelves in front of her as she recognised Emily's presence but she didn't turn as she spoke quietly. "What do you need, Emily?"

"I need you to act like you care." No, she needed herself to act like she cared, she needed to shake herself mind and yell, "What the hell are you doing?", she needed herself to be rational and able to look at this whole situation logically. But these days, that seemed to be something that she was entirely incapable of. She was projecting and she knew it, but that knowledge didn't stop this anger that was fuelling her; this need to cast blame where it really shouldn't have been directed if she had really thought about it for a second.

"Are you _serious_?" JJ finally turned, pure incredulousness bathing her face. "I've done nothing _but_ care, Emily." She shook her head and focused her gaze on the door as she tried to push by Emily. "Now just let me leave and go focus your attention on how you're going to _decorate your new office_."

Emily immediately stepped to the side and directly in front of JJ, her arms outstretched behind her to cover the door; she really was losing herself. "What?" She began with a malicious, somewhat patronising tone to her voice. "You don't wana have secret supply closet sex, JJ? You don't want me to fuck you against that wall while everyone else is just beyond that door so that you can get off on the danger?"

JJ's eyes were fixed in place, somewhat wide and glassy as they stared at Emily; partially because she couldn't wrap her mind around this swift and untypical change in the brunette, but also because it was undeniable that she _did_ want that. Not in the way that Emily was so cruelly describing, but she wanted her touch. Of course she did. In all of this, there had never been a point where she had stopped wanting that, where she had stopped wanting Emily in any capacity – even now, as the older woman used that knowledge and the power that she had over her to conduct some kind of heartless game. She _wanted_ to feel her one last time, even in this dingy supply closet and the throbbing ache between her thighs only attested to that.

Which was why, when Emily stepped forward, she was powerless to stop the brazen fingertips that dipped confidently beneath the hem of her black, V-neck sweater and ran the whole length of the waist of her jeans. Which was why, when she finally lifted her eyes to meet Emily's, there was a force so electric between the combination of darker than dark brown and navy blue that her feet mindlessly shuffled backwards in acceptance until a wall met her back. Which is why, when Emily's other hand worked at her button and zipper, she didn't protest but instead parted her eager thighs in encouragement.

There were no words. No conversation. Just a thunderous silence between their locked eyes that reduced any other sound to nothing. JJ's breaths were as shaky as her fluttering heartbeat as she anticipated that exquisite moment when Emily's elegant fingers would finally dip into wet folds and graze her clit for the first time in fifteen weeks; but real, actual words from that tempting mouth that had brought her to orgasm so many times both shattered and intensified the moment.

"Tell me to stop, JJ." Emily whispered as her fingers slipped beneath lace panties, purposely lingering above the heated liquid that she so longed to feel _despite_ the niggling voice at the back of her mind telling her that this moment was all wrong. "You're good at that." She spat venomously as JJ's eyes turned angry and she pushed her forcefully away, but the brunette didn't budge an inch and instead crushed their lips together in a kiss that held every ounce of pent-up emotion that both of them had felt since that fateful morning fifteen weeks ago. "Tell me, JJ." She panted breathlessly against JJ's swollen lips. "Tell me you don't want this."

"Don't.." She wanted to cry, and she wanted scream with joy as she finally found herself in Emily's close presence without a barrier between them. But when she opened her mouth to give Emily what she was asking of her in order to receive what she herself desperately craved, her trembling lips gave another, honest, response. "_Don't_ stop, Emily." Teary blues locked with glassy brown. "Please don't stop."

An appreciative gasp escaped both of her lips as Emily's fingertips finally slipped into the wetness that awaited them and when the older woman forced two fingers inside her without warning, all JJ could do was whimper; a whimper that fell somewhere between pleasure and heartbreak and tumbled from her slack, open mouth and directly into the one parted against her own as her mushed brain adjusted to the overwhelmingly intense sensation between her thighs.

She helplessly, slowly, ground her hips against Emily's invading fingers, both palms pressed flat against the wall behind her as her fingertips dug into the plasterboard; one of those hands gripping suddenly at Emily's upper arm when the brunette curled her fingers inside of her. Words lost necessity once again and were instead replaced with a swirl of combined whimpers and broken breaths from both of them; twisted around them and wrapped them in such an overpowering blanket of intensity that they didn't even notice when the broom blocking the door slipped from its position and clattered to the ground.

Emily finally found the feeling that she was searching for; she could feel it in her chest, manifesting with such intensity that she couldn't help the genuine tears falling from her eyes. She didn't want to leave, she didn't want to shut JJ out, she didn't want to abandon her family.. but she knew that she had to and it was that inevitability that pushed her to tangle the fingers of her left hand tightly in golden locks as she pressed their foreheads together and moved in time with her thrusting fingers. She didn't close her eyes, not once; she simply watched with both adoration, and longing for something that she had witnessed many times but never grew tired of.. and she felt love. Real, genuine love; the fact that JJ was even allowing her to do what she had just initiated, despite how used it must be making the younger woman feel, told her that it was real love that was reflected too. Somewhere, very deep down, buried beneath the tangled and twisted vines of lies and uncertainty and destruction, was love.

And JJ finally found the reason in the brunette's departure; the reason that soon became her own. This wasn't right anymore; in this form, it wasn't love and it certainly wasn't enough to justify shifting the dynamic of each of their lives so drastically. It had become something that it never should have been and somewhere between that first kiss and this very moment, they had both lost themselves entirely. It could have been something, if it had been done differently; but this, the now, it wasn't a fairytale.. this was just toxic, and destructive, and addictive in ways that left them oblivious to the damage that they were causing elsewhere. Obliviousness that was about to shatter before their very eyes..

They were so wrapped up in each other; wrapped up in emotions that neither one of them could pinpoint but that were causing hot, unrestrained tears to slide down their flushed cheeks as they moved together in their own little world, that even the booming voice that depicted Derek Morgan's anger didn't snap them from their reverie immediately. But when he yelled once again, they were ripped from that wholly clear and yet dangerously tainted moment and tossed into one that somewhat resembled the very moment after a bomb had gone off; that one silent second where the victims that somehow survived are still questioning if it really happened, even as the destruction around them assures them that it did.

"Are you _kidding_ me?"

Morgan's eyes burnt with tears that would typically depict sorrow but both women knew different and they immediately pulled apart; Emily's hands going out with a stuttering explanation, JJ's fumbling at her clothes to straighten herself up as her teary eyes stared wide at the ground in shock.

"Morgan. Morgan it's not-"

"This is the reason you're leaving, isn't it?" He spat incredulously before shaking his head in anger and disappearing from the small room. "I don't _believe_ you, Emily."

"No, Morgan, wait!" Emily yelled quietly – still trying to conduct some kind of damage control even after the damage had already been done. But when she followed him out of that closet, Morgan made no attempts to make the same effort and his rage-fueled words were loud enough that Hotch stepped out of his office; his eyes telling Emily that he'd now found the reasons that she wouldn't give fourteen days ago, and all she could do was close her own and swallow in defeat. This game, this damn destructive game, was finally over.

"Agent Prentiss-" He began, immediately amending his words when a strangely immaculate JJ stepped out of the supply closet with a guilty look on her face. To an average set of eyes, there was nothing about her that screamed that she'd just overstepped a line, but to him.. well, he knew better. "Agent Jareau. Both of you, my office. _Now_."

Every set of eyes in that damn place trained solely on them, and though Emily could see that they were no more than rubberneckers ogling a car wreck, responding to the loud interruption in their day and didn't actually know the fully story, or even really any of it; that didn't make it any easier to walk through their glaring gaze and it didn't make it any less awkward to pace the steps to Hotch's office like a school student sent to the principal.

"Either one of you care to tell me what that was about?" Hotch began as soon as the door to his office was closed; receiving nothing but nervous glances from both women so he tried a different tactic, one that cut right to the chase. "Emily, if JJ is the reason you're leaving then I can't-"

"She's not, Sir." Emily could see her much needed escape disappearing before her very eyes and she had to grasp hold of it before she lost it completely. "We.. We _helped_ each other out after a particularly strong case after her and Will had split. It was a one-time deal and was unprofessional and it should _never_ have happened. But it was nothing more than sex, Sir, I assure you, and until now, we never allowed it to conflict with our jobs." She saw the hurt look that JJ cast her way but she ignored it - she was doing her a favour, after all. Wasn't she? "What just happened was a misunderstanding and one that _shouldn't_ have happened, and I am very sorry that it did."

Hotch studied his agents for a moment. He knew that Emily was lying - knew _why_ Emily was lying. He also knew, however, that this day had been a long time coming regardless of the JJ factor. Even if it hadn't been for JJ, Emily likely would have still left after everything that she had been through, because you don't just magically come back whole from having to erase yourself completely. So he allowed her her final wish, which was apparently to keeps JJ's job secure, and ended the conversation. "Very well, Agent Prentiss." But the use of her title rather than her name, he knew, would tell her that he _did_ know the truth, that he wasn't happy that she'd broken the rules _and_ lied to him about it, and that it was essentially _them_ who were paying for it - and the small curt nod from Emily that accompanied regretful brown eyes that he'd seen in Jack many times after telling him, "I'm not angry, just disappointed," told him that she had gotten that message. "Do you have anything to say, JJ?"

JJ didn't even look up. She couldn't work out if she was angry with Emily for putting her in that situation – one that would mean that for the next several months whilst she was off gallivanting across the UK, she herself would have to endure the stares and whispers from people around her - or angry with herself for giving Emily that right and justification to do such a thing in the first place. She couldn't work out if she truly felt bad for the moment in which she had been permitted to feel Emily against her one last time, or if she was grateful for it despite the position that it had put everyone in. And for the life of her, she couldn't work out this other feeling.. the one that almost looked forward to Emily leaving simply so that she could breathe again. This whole situation felt similar to one of those decorative garden spirals that rotate in the wind; they go on for an eternity, endlessly twisting and twisting with intense ever-changing colour that almost dizzies you if you look at it for too long.. Until its life source is prevented by force. Until the wind lulls, or someone grabs it and says enough is enough.

And enough, right now, certainly was enough. "She's right, Sir." She looked up with a nod. "What just happened was nothing more than a lost in the moment kind of deal because she's leaving. There's nothing between Agent Prentiss and I other than friendship." _And even that's debatable._

Hotch looked down briefly, a small portion of him disappointed in JJ who he could tell was also lying, before he looked back to Emily. "There's nothing more for you to do here today, Agent. Your notice is up. Use the extra time to.. pack or make arrangements or something." He spoke plainly, trusting that his typically vacant face was giving nothing away whilst his heart broke a little inside. Emily had always been one of his favourites, and he felt somewhat cheated right now – though, dismissing Emily early was as much for them as it was to make his point. "As for you, JJ. I don't think I need to remind you of the repercussions of fraternisation. Since Emily is no longer a member of this team-" Like Emily had with JJ, he purposely ignored the hurt expression on the brunette's face. "-I can't technically punish you for what happened between the two of you, but rest assured.. if you ever, ever, do something like this again, you will be reprimanded and I won't hesitate to inform Strauss. Have I made myself clear?"

"Yes, Sir." JJ responded instantly, her eyes fixed on the point where the legs of Hotch's desk met the dark grey carpet beneath their feet.

"You're both dismissed." Hotch took a seat at behind his desk, not even looking up from his papers as he added with no emotion, "Good luck with your future endeavours, Agent Prentiss."

Emily didn't respond, simply nodded softly, partially grateful for actually being able to _feel_ regret, and held the door open for JJ to pass through before following closely behind.

Once beyond the threshold of Hotch's office, JJ was helpless to the words that fell from her lips. "Seriously, Emily? You're leaving and you're _still_ trying to hurt me?"

"Trying to hurt you? Is that what you think that was?" Emily asked both incredulous and hurt – though, she wasn't certain that she had a right to the latter after what had just occurred in the supply closet. "JJ, I just did you a _favour_. Would you rather I told him that we actually began _fucking_-' The word almost burnt her tongue and hurt every bit as much as she had intended for it to hurt JJ. "-nearly fifteen months ago? Would you rather I tell him that we risked our careers for _this_? Whatever this mess is now. Would you rather I tell him that I fell in love with you and added yet more to the ever-growing pile of reasons to leave this damn place?"

"No." JJ's eyes were sad and she made no effort to hide them. Everything had gotten so out of control that she genuinely didn't know if it was her at fault anymore – if anyone actually was or if this was just a situation that was truly better walked away from before anything more could explode in their faces. She shook her head softly, apparently unable to let go. "But that wasn't what I was referring to. I'm talking about that whole charade in the supply closet like I mean absolutely nothing to you."

"JJ.." Emily shook her head and looked away briefly. "Don't. You're not the one who has to jump on a plane and start a new life because of the mistakes she made."

"No.." JJ nodded with a look on her face that clearly depicted her distaste at Emily's words as she walked away. "I'm the one who doesn't get the luxury of running away. Take care, Emily."


	15. Chapter 15

**Author's Note: **Thanks again to those of you still reading AND reviewing. It honestly makes my day to get the little review/fav/follow notifications on my phone, so keep them coming and I'll keep providing you with reading material. Deal? Deal. ;)

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><p><strong>Chapter Fifteen: <em>New Beginnings<em>  
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She had no idea what she was doing here; parked outside of this house like it really mattered anymore, like she had any right to be there. But she couldn't, wouldn't, board that plane without giving the explanation that was deserved. Of course, there were explanations and visits that she needed to make elsewhere, but this was different..

It had been ten, twenty, maybe thirty minutes that she had been sat here and she was half expecting some nosy neighbor to come over, tap on her car window and ask just what the hell she thought she was doing, or just call the cops on her. That was the last thing she needed the night before she left and the fear of that was enough to push her to climb out of her car and do what she had come here to do.

Before she had even reached the porch though, the light flicked on and the front door swung open abruptly, and all she could mutter through her nervously hammering heartbeat was, "I think we need to talk."

"I have a date, Emily." Morgan answered plainly after a brief pause, before he turned to lock his front door behind him and started towards his car.

"Morgan, please.." She pled to his back, hoping that he'd stop for just one second so that she could explain; explain away her guilt until it was something more bearable. "Please don't go like this."

"I'm not the one who's going anywhere, Emily." He threw up his hands and turned. "I'm not the one who's _leaving_."

"I know." Emily rushed down the steps towards him. "I know, and I don't deserve your time but I think _you_ deserve an explanation." She could see him weighing up his options and it was pure instinct that drove her to make a light-hearted comment; one that was thankfully welcomed as he smiled subtly and shook his head. "_I_ could be your date. I even brought beer."

"You have fifteen minutes." Morgan sighed and took a seat on the porch step.

"That's all I need." The brunette replied eagerly, relieved as she offered her friend a beer and took a seat next to him. She had no idea how to proceed as she watched him pick the label from his bottle, indicating that he really didn't either. But this was her problem to fix; not his. "Morgan, I-"

"How long's it been going on?" Before Emily could respond, Morgan turned to her; didn't make eye contact but at least turned his head. "And don't lie to me. What I saw.. that wasn't _nothing_, Emily. That wasn't a one-time deal. I want the truth."

Emily sighed and twisted her shoulders; rested her elbows on her parted knees, her fingers mindlessly picking at the label of her own bottle. "It started fourteen months and seventeen days ago. I mean.." She shook her head slowly. "Perhaps it _started_ long before that but that was when we first.."

"Why do you do it, Emily?"

"Do.. what?" She genuinely wasn't certain. His question made it seem like she made a habit of sleeping with or falling in love with her co-workers.

"Shut everyone out." He replied bluntly. "You know the exact day that you and her first slept together, so it clearly meant everything to you.. and yet you're leaving. You're _shutting everyone out._ Again." He took a sip of his beer and muttered under his breath. "Including me."

This was the part where she should feel something, right? As she once again witnessed the pain on her best friend's face.. shouldn't she feel remorse right now? Anything? When you feel absolutely nothing, how can you be sure that the answers you're giving are truthful? But that in itself gave her the response necessary, because she really was shutting him out. Perhaps not purposely, but she was. She was and had been shutting _all_ of them out; including JJ, and even that couldn't be entirely forgiven.. because she knew, somewhere deep down, that the blonde was earning her redemption for the things that she had put her through. She knew that nothing in this world was ever as black and white as it seemed, and the younger woman had worked tirelessly to give her all of these pieces of herself over the past few months and done so knowing that she'd get nothing in return – and she certainly hadn't. But this wasn't just about JJ; this was far bigger than JJ. This was about her and her incapability to be human; to allow herself to do the same in return for the woman she apparently loved; to allow herself to be the person that her friends deserved; to stick around when things got messy. She was at the point where she was so beyond compartmentalised that she didn't even know who she was anymore; every piece of her was filed away in locked cabinets and chests that she had long since stopped holding the keys to.

"I am." She nodded. "I am doing that, have been doing that, and I have no idea _why_." She sighed and shook her head. "I guess I'm hoping the answer is waiting for me in sunny ol' England."

"Why can't you just go to therapy like everyone else?" He asked, only half joking. "Is it a Prentiss thing? Like.. Prentiss' are too good for traditional methods of therapy?

"It isn't a Prentiss thing." Emily answered bitterly; despising being defined by her family name. Of course, being a Prentiss had its merits and she would never act ungrateful towards the luxuries that she was lucky enough to have in her life; but those luxuries came with a penalty, condition and when that was thrown into the mix it was difficult to be appreciative of that family status, or proud of her name. "It's a _me_ thing. I have a lot of work to do on myself."

"You keep _saying_ that, Emily." Morgan turned to face her fully now, his frustration evident as he looked to the sky and shook his head. "But what is so wrong with allowing the people who love you to help you? Why can't you work on yourself here? Why do you have to run away? Because that _is_ what you're doing."

"I'm not.." Emily trailed off, having heard that sentiment twice now in one day, and she couldn't truthfully deny anymore that that wasn't partly what she was doing. "Okay.. Maybe I am." She admitted with a nod. "Maybe I am running away but.. I need to know a world that I don't know. I need to know a world where I appreciate you. Because right now I don't. I'm.." She laughed humourlessly, more through nerves than anything else. "I'm sitting here, the night before I _willingly_ leave you all again, and such a huge part of me just doesn't care."

Morgan's face dropped, bile crept up the back of his throat in a feeling that felt similar to heartbreak. Essentially, it was. It wasn't the kind of heartbreak that comes with romantic ties to someone, but it was the kind of heartbreak that comes when someone you've been so invested in for such a large portion of your life throws that investment to the wind like it means nothing.

"That's my point, Morgan." Emily spoke quietly, guiltily as she read the expression on his face. "Somewhere along the way I lost myself and I just stopped feeling anything. I need that feeling back. I need to wake up in the morning and be forced to face the reality that you guys aren't a part of my life anymore, and I need to _feel_ the feeling that comes with that reality. I need to go into work knowing that Reid isn't going to be sat there trying to figure out something innately complex that doesn't actually need figuring out. I need to know a world where JJ isn't chasing me, isn't vying for the affection that I don't have left to give and I need that because until I don't have it anymore, I'm never going to appreciate it. I need this whole other reality where everything is _uncomfortable_ so that I can actually feel comfortable in my own skin again. Feel _anything_." She looked to the man who her words were seemingly having no effect on and continued anyway. "I do care." She nodded, her sad eyes fixed on the step beneath her feet. "I may not feel it but I know I care because I'm here, rather than hiding away in my apartment or some bar passing the time until my flight leaves.. But I need to _feel_ that I care, and that is why I'm leaving tomorrow."

Morgan sighed in resignation. It didn't make sense, not really. There was a lot that did and a lot that didn't; and he was sure that more of Emily's reasons would seem logical if he wasn't thinking with his heart. But his friend – his friend whom he had believed to be dead for eight long months – was suddenly disappearing again and doing so willingly. He just had to trust her.. trust that she wouldn't do this if it wasn't entirely necessary. That was just easier said than done these days. "What time is your flight?"

"Uh.." She hadn't expected that question and she gave her answer with a curious frown. "9:25."

"Which airport?"

"Dulles International.."

Morgan took a sip of his beer with a nod; spoke as a statement rather than a question. "I'm driving you then. I'll be at your house for 6:30. That'll give us enough room to avoid the traffic if it's congested and give you enough time to check in before they close the gate." He wanted to add, "give you enough time to change your mind," but he knew that such words were redundant. Emily wasn't going to change her mind, and the sooner that he accepted that the better.

"Morgan, you.." No, she had already denied him enough. She couldn't deny him this too. "Thank you." She spoke honestly and the pair sat in silence for a moment before she spoke again, tentatively; a part of her wanting to pause time and the rest truly ready to leave this awkward conversation that was only really awkward because of her. "I think my fifteen minutes are up.."

"I didn't actually have a date." Morgan admitted unapologetically, taking a swig of his beer. "I just wasn't sure I wanted to talk to you and that seemed like the most plausible way to get you to leave."

"Oh.." Emily looked down, realising that she really had no right to be upset about his lie.

"I'm just.." He sighed a heavy sigh, swilling the remainder of his drink in the bottle as he shook his head in frustration. "I am so _angry_ with you, Emily."

"I know.."

"No, you don't." Morgan spat. "You don't because you never gave me the chance to be."

Suddenly Emily realised that this wasn't necessarily about her leaving now; it was about all that had happened with JJ and she opted to remain quiet whilst he said his piece.

"I'm assuming that Garcia knows. Her and JJ have been having all these secret meetings recently and now that makes sense." He nodded. "That must be nice for her, for Garcia.. To have a best friend who would come to her with these kinds of things." It was low but he didn't care. "Who trusts her enough to _share_ those things."

"It wasn't that I-"

"It was just that you knew what I'd say." He interjected bluntly. "You knew I'd tell you that you were playing a dangerous game. Not only with a straight woman, but with someone who was already in a relationship. She wasn't yours to take Emily, and yet you did."

"You think I don't _know_ that!" It wasn't really a question. "You think I don't how _stupid_ it was?"

"I don't know, Emily. Do you?" He was looking her square in the eye now, clearly expecting an answer.

"Yes.." She admitted, almost a whisper as tears burnt in her eyes; tears that even she didn't know the meaning of. "I _do_ know, and I _did_ know. But I.. I loved her. _Love_ her."

"You don't love her." Morgan shook his head for the umpteenth time that evening and looked away. "You love the _idea_ of her, Emily. You love the thrill and the danger of being with her because it's the one thing these days that evokes feeling within you."

Was he wrong? Could she really argue? "No, that's not true.." She responded softly, willing his theory to be incorrect whilst at the same time trekking through moments and scenarios and experiences that truly did support it.

"Isn't it?" He raised his eyebrows inquisitively. "Emily, you are one of the most attractive people I know, in every sense of the word. You could have absolutely anyone. Literally, _anyone_. And yet you chose your _straight female friend_, who you _worked with_, who had a _boyfriend_, and has a _child_. Aside from screwing her on Strauss' desk every day.. what could possibly be more dangerous than that?"

Emily was quiet for a moment, swallowed and blinked away her tears as she allowed his rationale to sink in. "Maybe you're right.." She didn't know anymore. This afternoon's events and the fact that she was still leaving certainly attested to his theory. If she had been thinking straight, or cared to think at this point at all, an abundance of things would have come to mind to protest his notion, but she wasn't and she didn't; she just wanted to get on that damn plane and, for a short period at least, turn her back on this, this.. whatever it was.

"I guess we'll find out, won't we." Morgan took a final sip of his beer and moved to stand. "See if you still want her when you're thousands of miles away living a new life."

"Why is this solely down to me?" She spat suddenly without thinking. She could see the hot water that she was throwing herself into by even leading the conversation in this direction, and she had already deduced that such a thing was nothing but paranoia, but that didn't stop her mouth that was apparently working against her now. Apparently she needed confirmation; someone to tell her that she couldn't have helped this and that she hadn't caused every ounce of nothing that she was feeling these days. "Why is JJ innocent and I'm the sex-fuelled siren who forced all of this? Why is she showered with instant forgiveness while any and every ounce of blame is cast my way?"

"Is _that_ how you think this is?" He looked directly at her, incredulous. "Let me tell you something, Emily. The reason any blame has been cast your way in recent months is because everyone could see how _shitty_ you were treating her but knew none of the reasons why, _because_ you wouldn't let them. And _that_ is what makes it your fault. I am under no illusions that she's as much to blame as you are for this mess, perhaps more so given that she was the one already in a relationship, and I'm not going to pretend that I'm blind to that. But it _could_ have been different if you had just trusted someone. For once in your _damn_ life, Emily."

And it was in that moment that Emily realised something. That no one had actually blamed her in all of this.. except herself. That paranoia had all been a guilt-induced fabrication in her own mind and even if anyone had momentarily concocted assumptions with the help of JJ's typically innocent air, how could she possibly be angry for that? How could she when she had had so many opportunities to give her side of the story but had opted instead to shut everyone out? This though, today's events.. that wasn't paranoia and it wasn't down to people's assumptions either; that was simply her own fault. That, she _should_ be held responsible for. In fact, the past two weeks were entirely down to her and her decisions, and she couldn't help but cringe every time she thought of, not only the one moment where she had lost control completely, but every second leading up to that where she could have caught this before it was too late; made this moment something more than it was.

It shouldn't have wound up this way.

But it was none of that that came out of her mouth when she finally spoke. "Morgan, please don't.. I mean, don't give her a hard time about her and I. Don't blame her or.. or be angry with her for keeping it from you. Please don't let it ruin your friendship."

"I have absolutely no intention of doing that. I think she's more than had her punishment, don't you, Emily?" He questioned without apology. "I don't know the full story, and honestly.. it's clearly none of my business. But I do know that no matter what had happened prior to it, you should _not_ have done what you did today. And I know it was you that initiated it." He cocked his head to the side, his eyes flashing with a combination of anger and a silent dare for her to even try to tell him that he was wrong. "Ya know, just because you get to leave, it doesn't mean she does. She's the one who has to deal with the fallout of what happened while you're off searching for a feeling so.. she's gona have enough crap to endure without me adding to the mix." He allowed his words sink in as he studied Emily's face; searching for any glimmer of emotion but wasn't too surprised when he found none. "See you tomorrow, Emily."

**CM-CM-CM**

The sun pierced through her sleepy eyes and she felt an instant irrational hatred towards it. It wasn't the sun's fault that, after that afternoon's events, she had spent most of the night battling the longing between her thighs that rivalled the longing in her chest, and had consequently had little to no sleep. It wasn't the sun's fault that everything felt so much emptier now in ways that she could never have prepared herself for. It wasn't the sun's fault that it represented something that she couldn't stomach; it wasn't its fault that it represented the dawn of a new day – a day that she wasn't ready to begin. Because right about now, the woman she loved with everything she had was boarding a plane to London, and, if the current clattering sounds emanating from downstairs and the semi-stressed words of Will were anything to go by, the two other most important people in her life were getting ready to board a plane of their own too.

Henry would be back of course; as would Will, sporadically. But in her sleep-deprived, somewhat irrational and wholly empty state, it was so easy to look at it in the sense that, in the space of just fifteen weeks, she had lost almost everything that she knew; and this moment was the finale, the soul-numbing crescendo that left a dejected feeling in her heart and an almost anxious feeling in the pit of her stomach that both combined to create a void that she had no clue how to ease.

Pushing her lifeless body out of bed and pulling on her Pittsburgh hoody, JJ mindlessly wandered down the stairs, finding a sight when she reached the bottom that encouraged her strength to endure this day, and she smiled. "What's all this?"

"Mommy!" Henry came bounding over, instantly taking her hand and tugging her impatiently towards the dining room. "We made breakfast. And I helped!"

"Oh you did, huh?" JJ smiled down at her son, brushing back his golden waves, a little more of her strength returning as she looked into endless blue eyes that were the mirror image of her own.

"Morning, Jayje." Will pressed a kiss to JJ's cheek. "Yeah, we thought it'd be nice to have breakfast together before we head out. We've got an hour before we have to leave for the airport."

"It looks and smells wonderful." JJ beamed appreciatively; not simply appreciative of the breakfast, but appreciative of what she _still_ had. Yes, it had been easy as soon as she had opened her eyes that morning to hate the world and everything in it – to focus on what she had lost – but right in front of her was everything that she still had. It wasn't what it had been, definitely not the same.. but actually, it was better. It was hope that didn't come with a sadistic streak, and suddenly that morning that had represented the end, now represented a new beginning.

**CM-CM-CM**

"Flight 737 to Heathrow, London is now boarding. Please have your passport and tickets ready as you approach the desk." A loud voice filtered over the bustling sounds of the airport. "We will be boarding priority passengers first. That's priority passengers first."

She stared at the ticket in her hand; studied the way the airline's logo held connotations of promise and hope, and too, the fact that she didn't feel that. She didn't feel the promise of a new life - what she actually felt was this need that increased in direness with each passing second, the urge to flee this airport and rush back to what she knew. It was almost a panicking feeling; that terrifying, free-falling moment when everything you know disappears from beneath your feet so that you're floating entirely in the unknown. It was almost like a black hole sucking her in, and yet she didn't budge one inch. She just stared as passenger after passenger filtered from the airport lounge and down the winding corridor that she couldn't even bring herself to look at; and she _enjoyed_ the feeling.

"We are now boarding passengers in business class. That's passengers in business class. If you do not hold a business class ticket, we ask you to stand back at this time."

That was her cue to stand, to snap out of whatever this was and join the short cue of people currently marching like ants through the gate. But she didn't. Instead she just watched them; imagined what the purpose of their trip was. Were they travelling to London on vacation? Was it a pit-stop before they caught a second flight elsewhere? Was it a business trip? Was it, like her, a whole new start? Did anyone feel this rush of sickness in their stomach that she was currently feeling in her own? Were any of them hoping, like the ultimatum given at a wedding to, "speak now or forever hold your peace", that someone would storm through the airport and stop them boarding this flight?

Was _she_ wishing for that? Was she hoping that Morgan hadn't actually left? That he'd jumped the barrier and was currently being chased through the airport by security as he searched each and every gate for her? She smiled subtly at the thought, because it was something that she could certainly see Morgan doing. No, actually, it was something that she would have _once_ seen Morgan doing. But not now.. She wasn't worth that anymore and her smile faded abruptly like it had never been there.

"This is the last call for passengers Prentiss, Hale and Jackson boarding Flight 737 to Heathrow, London to approach the desk. That's passengers Prentiss, Hale and Jackson."

Last call? How long had she been sitting here? The lounge was almost empty now, quiet, and the two people who she assumed to be passengers Hale and Jackson that came running through with panic in their voices startled her enough from her daydream to look up. She studied them, their body language.. There was no hesitation in them, just a determination to board that flight and she felt somewhat envious; envious and uncertain. It was in that moment that Emily Prentiss realised that she truly _was_ hesitant about this; that the whole reason that she was still sat here was because she _was_ waiting for someone to stop her. But as her strangely disappointed eyes scanned the endless area around her and each nameless face in the crowd of travellers, hoping to find one that was familiar, she realised that no one was coming. No one was coming to stop her, because they knew as much as she did that this was wholly necessary, and that was enough for her to push herself up from that uncomfortable lounge chair, grab her carry-on and walk towards the expectant hazel eyes of the gate clerk.

**CM-CM-CM**

"We'll be gone until Thursday." Will spoke as he kissed JJ on the cheek before reaching out his hand for Henry. "Come on buster, we have a plane to catch."

"Okay, let me know how the apartment hunting goes and tell Amanda I said hi." JJ replied with a somewhat sad nod, before crouching down to Henry's level and placing both hands at his cheeks. "And you.. you be good for daddy."

"I will, momma." Henry nodded and then scrunched up his face, trying to struggle away with a belying giggle as JJ showered his face with apparently unwanted kisses. "Momma, we hafta gooo!" He wriggled some more, still giggling before he repeated his father's words with a stern, solid look on his face. "Momma, we have a plane to catch."

"Oh, my bad." JJ's face washed with mock seriousness as her hands went out in surrender. "I'd better let you go then, huh?" When Henry nodded, her seriousness swiftly changed back to a grin as she showered his face with kisses once more. "Maybe just a few more first.." But Henry managed to wriggle out of her grasp and run for the front door, his echoing giggles lining his path and warming her heart in ways that only he was capable of.

"Jayje.." Will began softly as the blonde stood to her feet, a genuineness in his eyes that he hoped JJ would recognise. "I'm sorry things didn't work out with Emily. I really am. I mean, it seems totally weird to be saying this, but I _am_ sorry that she's gone again. That you didn't.. didn't get your happy ending."

JJ nodded gently, swallowed back the tears in her eyes and placed a hand against his arm as she watched Henry longingly; Henry who was currently jumping up and down in an attempt to reach his coat on the top hook, before his brow furrowed with an idea and he pulled a small stool from the living room and climbed up onto it to give him more height. She chuckled softly. "I have everything I need right here."

"You'll always have us, JJ." Will spoke sincerely. "And it may not be Emily, but one day you'll find your missing piece too."

_My missing piece.._ JJ mused, something in those three words causing a spark somewhere in her brain for reasons that she couldn't quite pinpoint; but the gentle eyes of her former lover brought her back to the presence. "You really are a good man."

"Yup." Will agreed shamelessly as he picked up Henry's backpack and tossed it over his shoulder, talking as he walked away. "Do you think there's like.. some kind of award for guys as great as me?"

JJ simply rolled her eyes with a soft laugh as she shoved him towards the door. "Go on. Someone told me there's a plane that needs catching."

Will laughed as he took Henry's hand once again and pressed another kiss to JJ's cheek. "See you next week, chere. And you're doing good, Jayje. Real good. Don't give up now just because Emily's gone. Okay?"

"I won't." JJ nodded with a smile, blowing air kisses to Henry as she watched her two guys walk down the driveway towards Will's car; before whispering the sentiment to herself again once they pulled away. "I won't."

She looked briefly to the sky, wondering if the tiny ant-sized plane that she saw in the distance was Emily's, and then back down to the ground and the blue car currently disappearing into the distance; each held pieces of her life that, without them, left that life incomplete. But she had to remember that they weren't the only thing that created that life. In focussing her time and energy on fixing what she had caused Emily and Will and Henry; she suddenly realised that she had neglected to take the time to truly study herself, to truly fix herself. The issues that kept her from being wholly content weren't elsewhere – they weren't currently on their way to the airport in a small blue SUV, or already in the air making their way to a different country - the issues were right there with her.

Emily wasn't the final piece to this puzzle, Will and Henry weren't the final pieces to the puzzle; _she_ was. There was something that she needed to do.

She pulled out her phone and called the only pillar of support that she really could right now. "You wana take a little road trip with me?"

**CM-CM-CM**

She stared mindlessly out of the window as the plane taxied along the runway; the memory of Morgan's hug before he had let her go becoming tighter and tighter until she could hardly breathe. He'd both surprised and disappointed her. A part of her had truly expected him to fight the inevitable some more, but honestly, he'd barely said anything and he'd actually been fairly amicable towards her in ways that he probably shouldn't have after everything that she'd caused and was leaving behind. She knew that she had to go, but now that she was sat on the plane, she couldn't help but remember all the words that were left unsaid, all the chaos that was left in her wake, all the bridges that she now wasn't certain that she hadn't burnt completely.

_Will_; the man who used to be a friend but she hadn't spoken to since that morning almost four months ago. Of course, any conversation would likely be so damn awkward that it would wind up in a yelling match or total silence that was entirely fruitless. But she couldn't shake the feeling that she owed him something, _anything_..

_Her friends, her colleagues_; the ones who had always had her back, always trusted her, and yet she hadn't repaid that same courtesy. And now.. now it seemed that they were all likely glad to be rid of her. Some part of her, deep down, knew that that was a ridiculous notion, and that if she was to somehow fight her way off of this plane right now and return to them they would, as Garcia had said, welcome her back with open arms. But she didn't want to know that. Because when she thought about that, the apologies and explanations and truths that should have been exchanged before she had gotten to this point flooded her chest like her lungs were filling with water.

_JJ_; where could she even begin with that..

"Excuse me, ma'am?" Emily spoke quickly to grab the attention of the redheaded stewardess that went bustling by once the plane had reached it's cruising altitude. "Could I get Chivas please? On the rocks."

"Certainly." The younger woman smiled, returning minutes later with the requested beverage and a shake of her head when Emily tried to hand over her credit card. "You're in business class, ma'am. You don't need to pay for any drinks you order on this flight."

She should have known that given the luxury she had spent her entire life in, and she would have known that if she hadn't been so preoccupied. "Oh." She smiled. "Well in that case.. keep 'em coming."

"Certainly, ma'am." The young woman nodded and walked away.

Emily's eyes drifted back to the window beside her; her mind tracing the clouds like they might lead to something magical and freeing as the first sip of her drink burned in her chest. Her mind wandered back to her friends and the longing that she couldn't seem to shift, the feeling that everything was so wide open and in disarray, and a small part of her wanted to run back into the past, if only to fix the piles of dirt that she had left lying around. However, the majority wanted to keep going, to use her ever-useful compartmentalisation skills to pretend that that dirt didn't exist and concentrate on her new start. Perhaps she really was running away. Perhaps she was..

"You a nervous flier too?" A soft voice came from beside her and startled her from her thoughts.

"Oh, um.." Emily looked to the drink in her hands, realising that that is what the person was referring to, and then back to the emerald green eyes of the woman across the aisle and felt a bout of honesty simmering in her chest. It was an odd feeling, and the words that left her liquor tainted lips even shocked her. "Actually.. Actually, no. I'm.. trying to start my new life early, I guess."

The green-eyed woman smiled knowingly, her eyes lingering on Emily's a little too long before she snapped out of it and reached out her hand. "Sorry, I'm Katherine. Most people just call me Kate."

"Emily." Emily greeted the young woman. "And most people call me Emily." _Or Lauren, or Em, or Em'ly, or Princess, or.._ Her stomach churned as soon as those notions crossed her mind and it was only when she felt the younger woman's fingers slipping from her own that she snapped back into the present. She shook her head and changed the subject. "So, if you're such a nervous flier.. What got you to actually board a plane?"

Something flashed in the younger woman's eyes that Emily couldn't quite decipher before she spoke. "I think maybe something similar to what pushed you to be drinking Chivas at 10am."

"You know your whiskey, I see." Emily nodded, clearly impressed enough to ignore the empathy and understanding burning in bright green.

"I know a lot of things, Emily." Kate spoke, her eyes lingering once again before she sucked her bottom lip between her teeth and smiled. "So, what's your story?"

"My story?" Emily pursed her lips and raised her eyebrows as she briefly looked away with a sigh. Perhaps this was exactly what she needed, to share her life with some stranger on a plane whom she would never see again, if only to release the somewhat toxic memories from her mind and cleanse her, ready for this _great opportunity_, this _wondrous new beginning_. "How long you got?"

"How about eight hours?" Kate smiled.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note 2: <strong>Don't hate.. Okay, you can hate if you really want to, just do so in a review so that I can read which part of that last bit bothered you more: Emily's departure, or that she has a new friend? ;) One of these days I'll be nice to you.. maybe.


	16. Chapter 16

**Author's Note:** Over a week since my last update.. I think that's probably the longest I've taken with this story. So sorry for the delay, guys! I will definitely be quicker with the next one; I'm just trying to make sure that I don't put out something crap and totally unworthy of your time, whilst at the same time having a life. Sometimes that takes a little longer than usual.

**Author's Note 2:** I'd like to point out (to the readers that I'm certain I've lost in allowing her to leave) that Emily is still an integral part of this story, despite her departure. In fact, that departure is something I felt was necessary to strengthen her relationship with JJ, and too to give JJ the motivation to do what she is about to do. I hope you're all still following and I look forward to hearing what you think!

**Author's Note 3:** Also, my use of the word 'bitch' may or may not have resulted from watching too much Breaking Bad. I'm not even sorry. ;)

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Sixteen: <em>Brussels Sprouts and Mashed Potatoes<em>  
><strong>

"Garcia.." JJ forced as she heaved a second huge tote into the back of her car. "I said a _little_ road-trip. Not a three month sabbatical."

"Oh, pish-posh." Garcia waved a dismissive hand. "We're female, we don't travel light." JJ's one small bag on the ground by the blonde's feet came to her attention even before the implicit question in the younger woman's raised eyebrow, and she was quick to justify herself. "Well.. you're a lesbian now. You're not a real woman."

JJ's face dropped instantly. She swallowed sadly and gritted her teeth before tossing her own bag in the back and slamming the trunk; refusing to meet Garcia's eyes as she turned for the driver's side of her car.

"Honey, wait.." It didn't take a profiler's eyes to see that she'd hit a nerve, and she grabbed the blonde's arm before she could get too far. "I didn't mean that.." She shook her head regretfully. "You know how I am.. I was only joking, Jayje.."

"It's not that, Garcia." She did know that her friend was simply making the same jokes that she typically would, and she was grateful for that in a lot of ways, but she was just so damn scared. Removing her aviators and leaning back against her car with a sigh, she explained. "I have no idea what I'm going to say to them. None at all. And.. And what if they disown me, Garcia? What if they _hate_ me?"

"Jayje.." Garcia braced her hands at JJ's arms and looked her square in the eye. She wanted to tell her that they wouldn't, that under no circumstances would that happen; but she knew that JJ wouldn't have kept herself hidden all these years if there wasn't a very good reason - if there really was no chance of them doing that. "If they do, then they're not worthy of being a part of your life anyway."

"Heh.." JJ shook her head, the smile playing on her lips belying the conversation entirely. "That sounds so logical in theory, but it won't erase the knowledge that I could have changed it when they're refusing to take my calls or even acknowledge my existence."

"No." Garcia stated firmly, grabbing JJ's arms once again. "No, you couldn't have changed it. Do you hear me? You didn't ask for this, Jayje. You didn't _choose_ it. And if they can't see that – if they can't see that you're still _you_ – then I'm sorry, but they're idiots. Yes, it's going to suck if they do, as you said, _disown_ you, but you'll get through it. I will make sure of that."

"Promise?" JJ questioned hopefully, needing the encouragement and strength. She was terrified, petrified; but she had come too far to back out now.

"I promise." Garcia nodded with a comforting smile. "Now, we should head out. If I have to spend over four hours in car with you and your awful taste in music, I'm going to need a Starbucks, and perhaps one of those delicious lemon poppy seed muffins that you brought for Ms. Tall-Dark-and-Moody when-."

"She's not _moody_, Garcia." JJ rolled her eyes jokingly to mask the hurt at the reminder of Emily as she climbed into her car; purposely bypassing the apologetic expression on her friend's face and hoped that she wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Emily was gone now – her flight had departed exactly two hours and forty-three minutes ago – and there was nothing that could be done about that. It worked both ways, but just like Emily, she was done allowing one person to control her every emotion, especially when she knew that she was very capable of organising some of those unwanted emotions herself and that is what this trip was about.

"Well, perhaps not." Garcia responded as she climbed into the passenger side of JJ's Range Rover. "But the other word I would have used ain't so PG."

"That's never stopped you before?" JJ laughed as more of a question, turned the key in the ignition and pulled out of her driveway.

"Well.. Okay." Garcia turned to face JJ as they meandered through several side streets before joining the Saturday morning traffic on the freeway. "I don't really know what kind of role I'm supposed to play in this, ya know?"

"What do you mean?" The blonde shot a brief confused look to Garcia before returning her eyes to the road.

"Emily hurt you in leaving, correct? I mean-" Garcia interjected when she realised that JJ was about to protest. "-whether she was justified or not, whether it was with good reason or not, it still _hurt_ you." The soft swallow in JJ's throat and the semi-dejected look on her face gave her her answer. "Exactly. And you're my best friend so.. I should be angry with her but-"

"But you're not.."

"Yeah.." Garcia responded quietly, almost guiltily.

"Good." The younger woman laughed, incredulously. "Did you really think I wanted you to be?"

"I.. I don't know." Garcia shrugged. "I mean, you're hurting. And my role as the best friend is to fix that, and I guess I just didn't think that fighting Emily's corner would be much help. I mean, I'm mad at her for disappearing again and I am so, _so_ mad at her for what she did yesterday but.. I think I get it."

JJ smiled at her friend, patted the pink fishnet-tights covering her thigh and spoke honestly. "You've done everything a best friend could and more. Everything I _needed_. And you are wonderful for that, Garcia. But I don't need you to pick fault with Emily because.. well, there _is_ no fault with Emily." She looked briefly to her friend. "She _is_ justified in everything she has done so far, even yesterday in some backwards way, and she has every right to leave because I truly believe it is what she needs. And even I, however much I'm _hurting_, can't question that. She needs this Garcia." She sighed a heavy sigh as she focussed her attention on the road. "She doesn't want me, and that is fine because.. Well, because.. I wouldn't want me either."

"I would." Garcia joked reassuringly. "I mean, if I was into the Sapphic side of life, of course. But my point is that this person you've become over the past three months – the you that you've gone back to being. The _you_ that we've all known and loved for all these years. She's really attractive." She nodded honestly before raising an eyebrow and leaning back in her seat. "I don't know, Jayje.. I think you may be turning me."

"Oh stop." JJ swatted with a genuine smile on her face before retorting playfully, a mock seductive glimmer in her eyes. "There's no _may_ about it. If I wanted you, I could so totally have you."

"You mean you don't want me?" Garcia pressed a hand to her chest, her mouth open in exaggerated shock. "I am _hurt_, JJ. Now pull into this Starbucks up ahead so you can make up for it by buying me sweet, caffeiney goodness."

"Well at least it's that easy to mend _your_ broken heart." JJ winked as she did indeed take the next exit. The statement had been as serious as it was playful; and she was grateful when Garcia simply smiled in response. The whole sentence was a defense mechanism and nothing more. It wasn't a means to start a serious conversation about Emily and any feelings surrounding the topic; and it wasn't a segue into hashing this out and wallowing in self-pity some more about something that she, honestly, could not blame Emily for. It was simply a reprieve that she was so grateful that Garcia had allowed; that actually, she realised, only Garcia would ever allow.

**CM-CM-CM**

"So.." Kate began, now sat right beside Emily, both women on their third drink."She never actually gave you an explanation as to why she didn't tell you that her boyfriend had cheated on her the night that she came to your house?"

"Nope." Emily replied with some kind of distaste as she swilled the amber liquid in her glass, mindlessly watching the way that the drink spread across the plastic cup as she spoke again. "Not really. I mean, I suppose I didn't really give her the opportunity but.." She shrugged and looked towards the woman beside her, letting her sentence trail off into clear implications.

"I duno, Emily." Kate spoke with a soft frown. "I just don't think that she was as deceitful as your broken heart has painted her to be."

Emily's brow furrowed and then raised. "You got that from the little I've told you?"

"Well, look at it like this.." Kate turned in her seat to fully face the brunette. "When you tell lies, the logical thing to do to keep up those lies seems to be that you cover all angles, make sure that you have an explanation for literally everything, and that you _give_ an explanation for everything, even if it hasn't been requested. Right?" When Emily nodded, the younger brunette continued. "Exactly, but this.. Jennifer, didn't do that. Honestly, it seems like she barely told you anything and that tells me that some of those things were already justified in her mind. They weren't lies in her head because she hadn't done those things maliciously. So perhaps she naturally assumed that you knew that too. Even if you didn't really give her a real opportunity to explain, if she was truly lying to you, she would have found the opportunity. She would have forced the explanation, but she didn't."

Emily was stunned; both because this woman seemed to know so much from being given very little information, and also because of her conclusions - the conclusions that her profiling mind really should have drawn already. But before she could even formulate a response, Kate shot another question her way, the further conclusion drawn from which, unbeknownst to her, would shatter the natural certainty that she had had in regard to JJ since this had all began.

"I'm guessing she was straight, right? Before you?"

"I.. no." Emily shook her head, her eyebrows wrinkled intensely as she found belying questions spreading across the darkened crevices of her mind despite her fairly confident answer. "Well, I don't think so. I mean, she had a boyfriend and a child but no one makes the transmission that easily if they're totally straight."

"Some people do. _I_ did." Kate shrugged as she placed her drink on the small table in front of her and then sat back to face Emily. "Some people are good liars when the possible repercussions of the truth is so much more terrifying than the unknown. It certainly would account for a lot of her hesitation when compared to how certain you are that she genuinely loved you. I mean, you don't strike me as the dumb type, so I'm sure you would have seen, at least somewhere in you, if she was using you.. So, yeah, I guess you could say that she was deceitful. But there are so many different kinds of lies, Emily. Too many shades of grey to ever deem that someone hurt you intentionally just because they told a lie."

Emily contemplated Kate's words for a moment as a blinding light illuminated everything that had remained in oblivious darkness for all these months. "Well, wait.." She turned, curious to pick Kate's apparently all-knowing, all-seeing brain some more. "But she.." She looked around nervously to make sure that no one was listening to their conversation - like it mattered now. "She _did_ stuff that, ya know.. She would have been nervous doing if she was straight. And I would have _noticed_ if she was nervous."

"Would you?" Kate raised an implicit eyebrow, her green eyes staring at Emily's questioningly. "Emily, you study the mind for a living.. But not even profilers are impervious to the mind-shattering qualities of an orgasm. _Trust_ me. Over-thinkers aren't either. In fact, I'd say that over-thinkers are far more susceptible to missing what's right in front of them because they're so busy analysing everything but.." When Emily looked away with something akin to regret on her face, she spoke again. "Let me guess.. It didn't happen very often, did it? On her end, I mean."

Emily stared into her lap for a moment and then sat back with a soft gasp. "Wow.." Her eyes were somewhat wide as she swilled Kate's words around in her mind and tried to comprehend this whole new logic that had been cast her way. If this woman was right, everything sure made a lot more sense and a part of her felt wholly guilty for not having recognised the signs through her lust-filled haze; through her own constant need to understand everything. If that whole world had truly been new to JJ, she should have been there for her to help her through the transition; it should have been _different_. She should have been a friend to her before being her lover. She should have just _noticed_.

"Another drink?"

"I think so.." Emily muttered quietly as she closed her eyes in regret; her mind drifting to a place painted in more clarity than it had been in recent months and she had never been more angry with herself than in that moment. Why couldn't she have realised this sooner? Why couldn't JJ have _told_ her? Before she had made the decision to leave.. Before she had boarded this damn plane.. But perhaps that answer was nestled in something that she had said to Garcia yesterday - even if her and JJ had been on better terms, she still would have needed to leave; to be here right now. And if this whole possibility about JJ was true.. how could she ever have done that to her?

**CM-CM-CM**

"So.." Garcia began some time later as they found themselves only an hour outside of East Allegheny. "Do you know what you're going to say to them yet?"

"Haven't got a clue." JJ replied flatly, her eyes squinting into the late afternoon sun, even with the barrier of her shades. "Got any suggestions?"

"How about.." Garcia straightened up in her seat, lowered her voice an octave before stating. "Yo, mom. I like the _ladies_ now. They taste better than men. Don't like it? Deal with it, bitch. Oh and could you please pass the beef."

JJ almost snorted and choked on her fountain drink at the same time. "Why, oh why, does my coming-out voice sound like Morgan?" She laughed at her friend as she shot her a quick glance. "And.. _pass the beef_? What the hell _is_ that?"

"What? I've never come out to anyone before." Garcia reasoned like that was the issue here. "I duno, I guess I've seen one too many movies. I pictured this whole moment happening around a lovely family dinner. Ya know, with pleasant conversations about Marge from Bridge Club having her hair purpled for the second time in less than a month, and what everyone did with their day and then.. BAM!" She yelled suddenly, causing JJ to jump. "You lay the gay card smack down, right between her Brussels sprouts and mashed potatoes."

"I.. think I'm cutting you off." JJ spoke purposely patronisingly as she took Garcia's third coffee from her and placed it in the centre console. "That is a very.. _interesting_ suggestion, Garcia, but how about we stick a pin in it for now, huh?"

"Pah, you have no colour in your imagination." Garcia mock sulked as she leant her elbow against the window and rested her chin on her open palm.

"Garcia, I'm a lesbian who pretended to be straight her whole life. I have _plenty_ of colour in my imagination." JJ laughed. "I just don't think my mom would appreciate being called a bitch.." Her voice trailed off and her smile faded as her next sentence entered her conscious. "Any more than she's going to appreciate hearing that her daughter is a lesbian. Oh god, Garcia. What am I doing? I can't do this to them. They don't deserve.. I can't..' Her chest heaved in panic and she was lucky that she had the wherewithal to pull the car off to the hard shoulder without causing an accident; clutching a hand to her chest as it heaved with more urgency and unbuckling her seatbelt to jump out of the car and vomit into the shrubbery at the side of the road.

Garcia watched on with concern, waiting for a break in the afternoon traffic before jumping quickly out of the vehicle to rush to JJ's side; rubbing her back and holding back her blonde tresses as she emptied the contents of her stomach. "You good?" She questioned softly when the blonde finally stopped dry-heaving.

JJ looked to her friend, her eyes bright blue beneath the glistening gloss of tears and the vibrant redness caused by the force of her vomiting. "Do I _look_ good?"

"Oh, honey, you always look good." Garcia smiled. "Even when you're bringing your breakfast back up by the side of I-70."

JJ laughed and looked away, braced both of her hands at the railing trimming the road until she was sure that she had enough strength to stand and pushed herself back up. "Come on." She took an offered tissue from Garcia and wiped her mouth. "Let's do this."

"Uh.. what are you doing?" Garcia raised an eyebrow as she watched the smaller woman climb into the car.

"I'm.. _fishing_? What the hell does it look like I'm doing?"

"Sweetie, I value my life. And though I trust you with it when it's being compromised by a crazed mad man, that trust doesn't stretch to driving me from A to B safely when your bigoted parents are at point B." She paused. "Passenger side, now. I'm driving."

**CM-CM-CM**

"What about you?" Emily questioned as she forced down the plane food that had just been handed around, momentarily questioning the notion that food was supposed to be better in business class. Her and Kate had spent the past five hours talking about her and though she had enjoyed the opportunity – the freedom to talk honestly without the nerve-wracking repercussions surrounding it that typically slammed her walls up in an instant, the repercussions that didn't seem to exist with this woman whom she would in all likelihood never see again - she was about ready to be done and place JJ back into her little box. "Where are you headed? What's your story?"

Kate sighed as she chewed the semi-tough chicken in her mouth, focussed her eyes on the food in front of her as she gave the brief details of her 'story' with a belying shrug. "Psychologist. Fell in love with one of my patients. Had my name dragged through the dirt. Caught a lucky break with an offer to work with a government organisation in London. Grabbed it with both hands before even thinking about it and now-"

Emily stopped mid-chew, her plastic knife and fork still raised partially in the air. She didn't even look to Kate as fear paralysed her and burnt at every nerve ending. "_What_ government organisation?"

"You know that I can't tell you that." Kate whispered, partially turning her head to Emily. "You know, because if my suspicions are correct, you're in the same boat. It's not exactly the kind of thing that you blurt to random strangers on a plane."

Emily threw down her knife and fork and wiped her mouth with a napkin before turning and whispering in a way that still clearly depicted her anger. "Where you going to say _anything_?"

Kate cocked her head to the side briefly in a shrug, her eyes focused once again on cutting up the meat on her plate. "Would you have shared everything you have with me if you'd known?" She looked briefly to Emily and read the expression on her face for what it was. "Didn't think so. But tell me something, Emily. How's that unexplainable knot in the pit of your stomach feeling now that you've actually allowed an outsider in?"

Emily looked away nervously, her every sense shifting in a way that made her feel somewhat trapped. It was a strange place to find herself in; right there, with someone she had only known several hours reading her like a book, and she truly was. It was uncomfortable and alluring, terrifying and freeing.. Possibly freeing in ways that she didn't actually want to be free. Had she been happy in her disconnected, ignorant world? She wanted to run from this very moment, to pretend that the conversation hadn't happened and shove everything back into boxes of blind acceptance and disconnect; replace the plasterboard, false wall between herself and _herself,_ and just smile. And at the same time, she wanted rummage through all of those other boxes that she had forced closed all these years; spread them out before this woman and see if she could shed some light and shared understanding on those too.

Her fingers mindlessly cut into the seat beneath her; like she was gripping on desperately to remain in this terrifyingly clear moment, or preparing herself to flee from it - she genuinely wasn't sure which. There was a part of her that couldn't deny that she truly did feel better - somewhat amazed in fact - along with some other emotion that she couldn't quite place; but had she really just shared such a huge portion of her personal history with someone whom she would have to work with on a daily basis? Did it really even make it better that this woman seemed to be wholly akin to her in ways that were astounding?

With some kind of blind hope to find that answer - or any clarity for the multitude of emotions that she was so suddenly feeling right now - she asked a question that referred back to where she had cut Kate off. "And now?"

Kate met Emily's gaze fully once again, knowing exactly what the older woman was referring to, and narrowed her eyes a little before she spoke. "Now I'm trapped in this reality where nothing feels right and yet at the same time everything feels exactly how it's supposed to be."

And there it was; the consolation to this whole unexpected moment, the understanding behind the things that she had blindly divulged, the justification behind her even being here at all. Something told her that her decision to leave really had been the right one; beyond what she was now almost certain was understandable logic behind JJ's actions, beyond what could have been.. This was where she was supposed to be in this very moment, and the soft, empathetic smile tugging at the younger woman's lips that seemed in some inexplicable way to mirror the position that she herself found herself in; told her that for right now, she really, actually, didn't want to be anywhere else.

**CM-CM-CM**

It was funny how it had shifted. When this journey began, JJ had had nothing but adrenaline coursing through her veins; an almost excitement and an impenetrable bravery that only gave way to some minute trepidation and instead was mostly fuelled by the fruits that would result from what she was about to do. But with every mile that she inched closer to her destination, to her past, to everything that was holding her back, she began to wonder if those 'fruits' were even worth the labour at all. She felt wholly like she was about to visit the dentist to have a cavity filled; she knew that she would feel better once it was over, but that didn't change the fact that she was nervous as hell. And, of course, her dentist was a butcher – what if it wasn't any better once it was over? What if it was, actually, ten times worse once it was over?

"You okay, sugarplum?"

Her friend's concerned voice snapped her briefly from her daydream as their journey wove into streets that she remembered from when she was a child, a young girl, a teenager facing typical adolescent issues with the added problem of trying to pretend to be something that she wasn't. They drove by the magazine store where her friend had once caught her sneaking peeks at Playboy and told the whole class the following day at school; they drove by the field where she used to play soccer and dread the showers and the consequential jokes that came after the game; and they drove by the long winding road that lead to the secluded spot where, on the back seat of Billy Jenson's car, she had put a skin-crawling end to the sneering of her peers, to the jokes made at her expense and the cruel taunting that only teenagers could so unapologetically give. "Yeah, I'm.. fine."

They drove by the high school where she had then spent the remainder of her years there on the arm of the popular jock, and her heart in some place far, far away where she could pretend that it wasn't longing for the cheerleader dating his best friend; but free of the ridicule that she had been mercilessly forced to endure before she had made that compromise.

They drove by the diner where she had worked her final summer in that small town and dreamt of the day when she could finally be herself - _this_ day – a day that she had imagined to be far more positive than the gut-wrenching fear that she currently felt coursing through every inch of her.

They drove by the church that she had attended every Sunday for eighteen years; the church that her parents had attended every weekend of their life; the church that was supposed to be a symbol of love, hope, faith but that she couldn't help but look upon with hatred in her chest right now for all the years of silent torture that it had caused her.

And then they arrived at the house. The house where she had had a happy childhood, but the worst teenage years. The house where she had smiled with glee on Christmas morning as she opened her gifts, and cried with defeat on that same day several years later when she realised that the only thing that she wished to open that morning was the gift of acceptance for something that she still didn't fully understand. The house that held loving parents – loving parents so blinded by a force so much stronger than their love that it would lead them to forget that it was ever supposed to be unconditional in the first place.

"You ready for this?" Garcia spoke, trying to hide the nervousness in her own eyes that she felt for her friend.

"Nope." JJ shifted upright in her seat as Garcia killed the engine. "But it's time."

The front door to the house had opened even before the engine had died, revealing a woman who was JJ's double, only with extra years subtly wrinkling her features and adding a few grey wisps to her golden tresses; and JJ barely had a moment to place her emotions back into a box at the back of her mind and put on the excited smile that she knew was expected of her before her mother came running over.

"Mom!" She grinned as she stepped out of the car and fell into the older woman's embrace.

"Oh, sweetie." The older woman cooed as she hugged her daughter, gripping on tight in a way that only mothers and grandmothers ever seem to; why was it that they seemed like they had their own secret type of hug? One that JJ was very ready to be out of..

"Mom, I.. I can't breathe.." The blonde laughed softly as her mother made her apologies and released her. Looking to Garcia who had climbed out of the car and was currently staring at them both with a, "this is what you were concerned about?" look on her face; JJ introduced the two women. "Garcia, this is my mom, Sandy. Mom this is Garcia. I mean, Penelope."

"It's wonderful to meet you, Penelope." Sandy smiled and pulled a surprised Garcia into an embrace; unknowingly causing the bubbly woman to question JJ's fears once again. "Now.." She stated when she pulled back. "Where is that beautiful grandson of mine? And William.." She looked behind the two women to the car expectantly. "Is he in the car?"

"No, mom, he's.." JJ chewed the inside of her lip, tasting blood from the pressure almost instantly. "He, um.. He went to visit _his_ mom in New Orleans. He took Henry with him."

"Ohh.." Sandy drawled sadly. "Oh, well that's a shame. Ya know, you guys don't visit often enough." She added as she turned for the house; her daughter and friend in tow.

"I know, Mom." JJ looked to Garcia. "I will bring him out to see you soon." _If you haven't disowned me by then.._

"Tom?" Sandy bypassed her daughter's words and called for her husband as soon as they entered the house. "Tom?" She called again. "Jennifer's here, and she brought a friend. So if you can tear yourself away from the game and come say hello, that would be wonderful."

With that, a tall gentleman with greying hair that had once been jet-black emerged from the lounge to their left; a warm smile playing at his lips as he spoke, clearly genuinely pleased to see the blonde. "Jennifer.." He reached out his arms for his step-daughter who willingly nestled herself into them, gripping on like she hadn't seen him in years.

He may have been her step-father, but given that her biological father had died when she was very young, he was the only real paternal figure that she had known growing up – plus he was far less judgmental than her mother and that, in this very moment, was something that filled her chest with such an overwhelming sense of safety. "Hey, dad."

Garcia watched on quietly with a soft wrinkle in her brow, still very genuinely confused as to why JJ had been so concerned. This image wasn't one of a family devoid of understanding and reason; it was one of unconditional love and warmth – something that she envied the blonde for not only having, but apparently not appreciating it either.

"And who might this be?" JJ's stepfather questioned as their embrace ended and looked towards Garcia with a polite smile.

"Oh this is Penelope Garcia, dad. I work with her at the Bureau."

"It's wonderful to meet you, Miss Garcia." His eyes narrowed slightly as his memory jogged. "Come to think of it, I think our Jennifer has mentioned you before. Are you the one who has an affection for unicorns and once did such a wonderful job at hacking into the FBI database that they hired you?"

"Guilty as charged." Garcia replied, somewhat proud – very proud, actually – before whispering. "Though, the unicorn thing is supposed to be a secret."

Tom chuckled softly. "Well I promise your secret is safe with me, Miss Garcia."

"Call me Penny, sir." Garcia smiled before casting a look to JJ that clearly depicted, "Seriously, what the _hell_ was your problem?"

But she didn't know. She didn't know the truth behind those smiles and the rejection behind that warmth. She didn't know, but she certainly would before that weekend was out.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter Seventeen: _Admissions and Remedies_  
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Garcia was helpless to the brief snort that emanated from her as she followed the wonderful smells wafting through the large house into the dining room; because right smack bang in the middle of that perfectly laid table were indeed a bowl of Brussel sprouts and a bowl of mashed potatoes. "Holy crap.." She whispered, giggling to herself and grabbing JJ's arm when the blonde wandered in behind her; her next words leaving her lips as an almost-song. "I seeee Brussell sprouttts."

"Garcia, stop." JJ whispered harshly as her friend giggled beside her; both woman snapping to attention suddenly when Sandy walked through from the kitchen.'

"Something wrong, girls?"

"Oh, no, ma'am." Garcia assured before reaching out to take the large tray in Sandy's hands. "Here, let me take that for you."

"Thank you, honey." The older woman smiled warmly before directing her attention to her daughter. "Jen, sweetie, why don't you go let your father know that dinner is ready."

Looking to Garcia briefly as a slight warning to keep her jokes to a minimum, JJ went off in search of her stepfather, leaving the two women alone in the dining room. She could tell that her mother was brimming to push Garcia for answers; answers to what, she didn't know and didn't even want to imagine, but she felt comfortable in the knowledge that her friend wouldn't say anything that she shouldn't. That didn't ease the anxiety in the pit of her stomach though – but considering the reason that she was here in the first place, that seemed like an impossibility anyway.

"So.." Sandy began, resting her hands at the back of one of the pine chairs surrounding the modest family dining table as she watched Garcia set down the tray that she had just brought through. "Penny, is it?"

"Yes, ma'am." Garcia smiled politely.

"Well, I hope you don't think this is invasive of me, Penny, but I'd like to ask you something." The blonde woman clearly seemed uncomfortable with her own thoughts as she briefly looked down then back to Garcia. "It seems that you.. That you and my daughter are very close.."

Garcia's eyes widened, not so subtly at all; and upon seeing a train wreck fast approaching, a stuttering answer to what she assumed to be the implied question burst from her pink lips. "I. Well. We're.. We're friends. Just friends.. We've.. I've.. She's-"

"So you'd know if something was.. _off_ with her?"

Garcia breathed a sigh of relief; partially for the fact that she had misunderstood, and too for the fact that Sandy clearly hadn't recognised the nuances that she had just given away in her ramble. That relief was short-lived though when the remaining implicit question entered her conscious, but just as she tried to formulate a response that wouldn't divulge anything that was solely JJ's job to disclose, the blonde in question and her father came to her rescue.

"Sandy.." Tom began as he took a seat at the dining room table. "You're not interrogating our guest are you?"

The older woman didn't even hear her husband's comments; instead her eyes were fixed on JJ who was still stood by the door staring at Garcia with several silent questions in her eyes that she couldn't quite make out. Her brow furrowed as she mindlessly sat at the chair that she hadn't even realised she was digging her nails into. "Are you going to sit, Jennifer?"

"Uh, yeah." JJ shook her head, taking a seat opposite her mother and in between her father and Garcia. She bowed her head instantly and let her entwined hands fumble beneath the table, almost naturally preparing herself for her stepfather to say grace; something engrained and left behind from her childhood.

She hadn't missed it. Of course, there was always something so passionate in her father as he spoke his thanks around the dinner table that left her wondering if her detest towards their faith could have been different; left one small part of her wondering if that was how religion was supposed to be – passionate, freeing, evoking. Because it was faith that she heard in his words – not condemnation, not banishment, not hatred; just faith and an indisputable belief that the world was not only beautiful, but that it was a gift from a someone or something selfless and was supposed to be lived to its fullest. She felt warmth when she listened to him speak – even if it was simply in the far crevices of her chest in that moment, somewhere at the very far back of her heart, nestled against her lungs where it restricted her breathing in a way that she was certain that, with him, it encouraged it.

Yes, perhaps a small portion of her had missed it.. but not really. There honestly came a point where you just had to eat your damn meal. Besides, with each thanks given, she couldn't help but remember what she _shouldn't_ be thankful for to that deity that her parents centred their life around. After all, it was the very reason that she was here in the first place - both physically and mentally – and should she really have any gratitude towards that?

She stared down at her silverware, transfixed by her thoughts and oblivious as the table became disrupted by the sounds of clattering dishes, spoons meeting ceramic and varied versions of "could you pass the..". All her mind could focus on was those damn Brussels sprouts, and it took her mother's concerned voice and a quick nudge under the table from Garcia for her to realise that she had zoned out again.

"Jennifer, are you okay?"

Smiling instantly, in the way that it had been engrained into her to do so after several years of working as a media liaison, JJ nodded and reached for the damn Brussels sprouts. "Yep, I'm fine mom. Little tired from the drive."

"Yeah, that drive can be pretty draining." Tom chimed in as he carved the chicken and passed it around. "It isn't all that long, but the traffic.. well, sometimes meandering through those angry truck drivers desperate to getting into the big cities is enough to take it out of you."

Once again bypassing her husband's words, Sandy kept her focus on her daughter. "Well perhaps a bath and an early night will do you some good this evening. We have church at 9am tomorrow so you'll need to be up bright and early. I assume that you and Miss Garcia will be attending?"

JJ almost choked on her water; forcing a quick recovery with a mild excuse before she realised that she may have had an excuse for that, but she by no means had one strong enough to get her out of going to church tomorrow – or at least not one that came to her intelligent, profiling, top of her class brain right now. "Of course."

Garcia frowned subtly, surprised by JJ's response when she compared it to the almost death stare that the blonde had given the church in town as they had driven by it earlier that evening. She was no profiler but she'd seen it, and she'd seen that there was an untold story there that played a huge part in why JJ had kept herself hidden all these years. And in that moment, something made sense for Garcia – something that she had found herself questioning several times since they had arrived here but now fully understood. There was something far greater than a naive notion of unconditional love to contend with here; something that, she now had to admit, could really mean that JJ had been right to be fearful of her parent's reaction.

In the years that she had been working for the Bureau, Garcia had been certain that the two main things that push people to commit terrible acts against other human-beings are love, and money. Now, however, she realised that there was a third: religion. It wasn't like JJ's parents were going to murder her for being gay, not even close, but she could tell without any further evidence that it was not going to be pretty and that JJ probably had been right – perhaps, in the end, they would disown her like she had never even existed in the first place.

Her heart sank and she frowned sadly; but before she had the chance to put a plan of damage control together - just in case this went in the direction that she feared it would once JJ had bared all - the blonde herself, with a little help from a further question from her mother, began slowly pushing her foot to the accelerator and steadily speeding off towards the imminent apocalypse.

"So when are you and William finally going to set a date? Ya know, James and Bella's anniversary is coming up." The older woman took a sip of her wine and entwined her fingers on the table in front of her; her dinner seemingly forgotten to the interrogation that she was apparently set on putting JJ under. "Three years. They're just so happy."

"I bet they are." JJ grumbled.

And there it was - the wheels screeching against the asphalt as JJ launched herself into a situation that she couldn't come back from before having faced her worst fears.

Garcia had no clue who James was, who Bella was for that matter, but the pure, surprising distaste in the typically politely spoken blonde's words caused her to stop even pretending to eat her meal and instead flick her gaze back and forth between the two women who were seemingly locked in their own world. It was odd; almost like each of them were on the very same page but at the same time pretending to be oblivious. She could have cut the tension with the knife that was still hovering in her hand somewhere above her plate like she had forgotten what she was even doing with it, and as the daring stare between the two women continued, she felt suddenly compelled to fix it. "So, uh, Mr Jareau, what is it you do?"

"I-"

"You didn't answer the question, Jennifer." Sandy spoke plainly. "Is there something you're not telling me?"

JJ swallowed and looked down nervously, her eyes briefly drifting to Garcia's for courage; and when she found it, she took the napkin from her lap, placed it on top of her plate to buy her a little more time and pushed out her chair the tiniest bit. All the right words could not have prepared her for this. Whether she had found them on the side of the interstate as she vomited her breakfast or not; they would have abandoned her in this moment anyway just like every other ounce of logical thought had, and she was so abundantly grateful that she almost jumped when Garcia's comforting hand found its way to her thigh and her father's concerned words pierced the silence.

"Jen, honey, are you okay?" His dark brow furrowed. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

Her terrified blue eyes flicked to her mother and lingered a little on her father as she tried to place herself in a different situation; one with vicious reporters and quick-fire questions, accusatory eyes and relentless, vulture-type curiousity. One that she could handle.

But that wasn't where she found herself. Even in her mother's eyes, nestled somewhere beyond premature but not so misplaced disappointment and disapproval was genuine concern. Whether that concern was for her or herself was a different matter entirely, but it didn't really matter. However, when Garcia jumped to her rescue, an admission spilled from her trembling lips like it was on fire – she couldn't, and wouldn't, allow someone else to take the reins and finish this race for her. She had come this far; she was going to see it through. "Will and I separated."

"What do you mean you separated?" Sandy's brow furrowed. "He's the father of your child, Jennifer. Henry needs his father around."

JJ couldn't help but roll her eyes – of course her mother would disregard entirely any possibility of what could have caused such a break-up. She was fairly certain that he could have done everything entirely wrong by her and her mother would still fight his corner, simply because he was 'the father of her child'. She wasn't angry at Will of course – in fact, once upon a time, she had been happy for just how much her mother loved her ex-boyfriend – she just wished that for once her mother would be human and read beyond where her brainwashed ideals always lead her.

"I _realise_ that, mom." She spoke, enunciating each word to perfectly show her distaste.

"Then why would you-"

"Sandy, let her speak." Tom cut his wife off, resting his forearms on the table before him and leaning in eagerly to hear what his daughter had to say. "What happened, sweetie?"

The blonde smiled inwardly, her eyes fixing onto her father's as she allowed the rest of the room to disappear. It didn't transform into a snake-pit of reporters, but she found what she needed in his dark eyes. "Do you remember right before I turned eighteen, I started dating Billy Jenson?" Her father nodded and she continued. "Well.. Um, well, I.. I guess you could say that he.." She looked down briefly and then back up. "I guess you could say that he was a decoy. For like.. Well.."

"Oh Jennifer, what does this have to do with William?" Sandy interrupted.

"Sandy! I said let her speak." Tom almost yelled, something that came totally unnatural to him but the combination of frustration with his wife and the hammering in his chest that depicted his anticipation of his daughter's words lead him to easily act so out of character.

"Well if she'd just spit it ou-"

"I'm gay!" The whole room fell deathly silent; even the air conditioning seemed to stop mid-cycle. It was so silent that she could hear her heartbeat pounding in her ears, each thud for every inch of bile creeping up her throat in anticipation of the storm that was about to follow this calm. But it didn't come, and suddenly she found herself drowning in some kind of limbo place where nothing really made sense. "I, well.. I mean.." She swallowed, realising that there really was no profound way to phrase what she had admitted, no back-pedal to get her out of this situation that she had launched herself into. "I'm.. I'm gay." Her eyes fixed to her plate, not daring to lift and meet her parents' judgmental gaze as she rambled off information that, really, was somewhat unnecessary. "Will knows, and well, he's happy. He met someone else out in New Orleans and that is why he's there right now, apartment hunting with his girlfriend. Henry loves her. He, uh, he doesn't know the full situation yet since Will and I had planned to speak to him when they return on Thursday, but he knows that his father and I are separated and well, if anything, he was just excited that it means he gets to go on a plane once every month."

Clearing her throat in clear discomfort, Sandy looked down to her entwined hands like she was reading her next words from her skin before she met her daughter's eyes, completely bypassing most of what she had said. "I thought we'd gotten past this, Jennifer."

Tom's furrowed brow intensified as his wife's words formulated logically in his brain. "Wait.." He looked to her. "What do you mean?"

"I mean.." Sandy sighed, straightening her posture in way that depicted what was likely both unintentional and purposeful arrogance. "Exactly what I said. I thought we'd-"

"Mom." JJ shook her head and looked away, despising the implications in her mother's sentiment – implications that she had heard before, many years ago when she had tried to make this admission. "This isn't a phase. It wasn't a phase then either except the difference was that I was so confused back then that it was very easy for me to allow you to convince me that it was. But I'm not confused now. At all."

"I think you are." Sandy retorted plainly. "You can't keep jumping back and forth when you feel like it. You have other people to consider-"

"No." JJ stated firmly, her blue eyes flashing with a combination of courage and anger. "I am thinking of myself for once. I am done considering other people's feelings ahead of my own. Your feelings, or Will's, or anyone else's for that matter, because where does that get me? And how does it possibly help them to have a mother, a daughter, a.." Her voice trailed off as she realised that she had no idea what title to put to what she was to Emily; her voice quieter but just as solid when she continued. "How does it help them to have someone in their life who is just a shell of themselves?"

"So.. what?" The older woman threw up her hands; the conversation apparently only between her and her daughter now. "You've dated men your whole life, Jennifer, had a child with one, and you just.. woke up one morning and chose to try something else?"

"I didn't _choose_ anything." JJ clarified almost instantly, defensively; despising that word more than her mother in that moment, because why would anyone ever _choose_ this? Why would anyone ever _choose_ to throw themselves at the mercy of someone who can't see beyond their rose-tinted glasses, to be judged and condemned? "I fell in _love_." She stated honestly, quietly; swallowing softly when she felt tears brimming at her eyes. "I fell in love and she made me realise that it truly is okay to be who I am. That I don't need to pretend to suit other people just like I have been my whole life."

"So who is this _she_?" Sandy asked somewhat patronizingly. "This woman who apparently made you realise _who you are_." She added, clearly not buying that that was the case and thoroughly believing that this woman had just brainwashed her daughter. It didn't matter that she knew that this had been a long time coming, because she would have said anything in that moment if it meant that she didn't have to accept that it was even happening. As she waited for a response though, something on her daughter's face that fell somewhere between conflicted and sad, caused an answer to formulate in her own mind and her accusatory eyes shot to Garcia. "Is it you? Did you do this to her?"

"Excuse me?" Garcia, who up until this point had simply been a silent supporter of JJ whilst she watched the show unfold, raised her eyebrows - a mild reaction that she knew very well belied the anger bubbling in her chest.

"Well you look like.. Like one of those-"

"One of those _what_?" Garcia cut her off, her words solid and intimidating. She wasn't one to speak out of turn, never had been, but when the moment called for it, she had the fiery wrath of hell at her back, just waiting to reign down on whoever had done wrong by her babies. And they all were her babies in some way – the whole team – but JJ was different. Perhaps it was the face that held the look of pure innocence, or perhaps it was the fact that this topic was one of the only things that got her blood boiling, but she was definitely different and she was ready to pounce.

"Mom, she's nothing to do with this." JJ interjected when she recognised the approaching train wreck looming between two of the strongest people she had ever known. She knew Garcia wouldn't back down, and for that matter, she knew there was no chance of her mother backing down either. "She's here for me, that's all."

"Then who did this to you?"

"No one did this to me, mother. Jesus!" JJ stood and threw up her hands; her use of her last word unintentional, but considering the look on her mother's face, she purposely made no attempts to take it back. "This is me. This is who I am. This is who I've always been and I am _done_ pretending. Not for you, not for Will, not even for Henry."

"Oh, so you _did_ consider your son?"

"Sandy.." Tom spoke softly. He honestly had nothing further to add, but he wouldn't have had the opportunity to anyway. He was far too placid in the mix of such thunderous stubbornness to even begin to penetrate the explosion currently unfolding across the dinner table.

"Yes, I considered my son. Don't you ever dare even _imply_ that I did wrong by him-"

"You were unfaithful, weren't you?" Sandy raised an eyebrow, her voice much quieter than it had been; something that caught JJ off guard enough to silence her. "You entered into a committed relationship, during which you brought life into this world, and you broke those implied vows that you made to Will. Is that not doing wrong by your son?"

She had no clue what to say. What could she say when, at least in that regard, her mother was right? And the answer that fell from her lips was nothing but petulance that she felt, in this situation, she had at least some right to be forgiven for. "Oh mother, does it even count as infidelity if it's with another woman? You don't believe in homosexuality, right? So does it really count?" A response never came and she hated herself almost instantly for even implying that Emily hadn't counted, that everything that she had dredged through over the past several months had meant nothing. Of course, that wasn't how she viewed it, any of it; but she knew that she shouldn't have said that and her voice calmed as she spoke again. "Look, mom.. I fell in love. Yes, I did some things that I am not proud of, some things that both Will and Henry did not deserve. But that doesn't change the fact that something positive came from it. For the first time in my life I feel like I am who I am supposed to be, completely. I'm _happy_, mom. I'm happy."

And she truly was. It was funny, considering everything that was still up in the air, that she could even consider describing herself as happy but she really, honestly was. Well, until her mom spoke her next words, at least..

"You're selfish, that's what you are. We raised you better than this, Jennifer. We raised you to respect God's Will, to respect those around you. Did you learn nothing?"

The words almost choked her; both the ones that she had heard all those years ago when she had tried to have this conversation, and that one specific one that she just could not believe the audacity of: _respect_. The hypocrisy burnt in her chest as she opened her mouth and shook her head in disbelief; words failing her in a way that they never had and all she wound up doing was laughing humourlessly.

"I think you should leave." Sandy spoke with apology.

"Sandy.." Tom interjected again, this time finding the further words necessary to hopefully ease the tension. "Don't you think you're overreacting a little here?"

"No, I think you're under-reacting, Tom." Sandy shot her fiery, once blue eyes in the direction of her husband. "Do you really have nothing to say about this?"

"I.." He threw out his hands with a defeated sigh. "If Jennifer is happy, then that's all I ask."

"And to hell with the damage she's caused?"

"What _damage_?" Tom shook his head. "By the sounds of it, both Will and Henry are happy, and healthy, and fine, so what damage has really been caused here aside from what you are causing _right_ now?" He was going to pay for that later, he knew, but he couldn't understand why his wife was being so unreasonable. "You should be proud of her for having the courage to be who she is, not judging her for what lead her to find that courage."

JJ's heart soared. Soared and then crashed to the ground into a thousand shattered pieces. This wasn't how this was supposed to happen. Looking back on everything that had preceded this point, and this very point itself, she couldn't help but wonder if her mom was right – did the reasoning really justify the damage that she had caused along the way and was currently causing between her parents?

Her light brow furrowed as she struggled to see through the fog that had descended on her mind that was, before she had arrived here, clearer than it had ever been. Somewhere out of her peripherals she could see her mother's eyes, angry and wide as she tried to express her distaste to her father who, on the opposite side of the spectrum, was trying and failing at reasoning. Their voices weren't raised - no, they would never do such a thing - but she could hear the conflict in them, hazy but vivid as she lost herself in the mist clouding around her. She swallowed and licked her lips, pulling the bottom one between her teeth to bite it hard before she spoke. "Come on.." She rested her hand on Garcia's shoulder who was clearly stuck some place between being a protector and wholly out of her depths. "I think we should leave."

A small part of her was waiting, hoping, for either one of her parents to argue; to tell her to stay, that they needed to talk about this. But that didn't happen. Her father's eyes were downcast in a way that didn't necessarily portray disappointment but at the same time did - probably disappointment that was more directed at her mother than her, but that didn't help. And her mother's eyes were fixed in place too, somewhere in the centre of the table; anywhere but where she needed them to be and as Garcia stood to her feet, she sighed a sigh of defeat and left that house for what she assumed would be the last time.

Out in the car, having wrestled JJ for the driver's side, Garcia tried to make light on the situation. "Fifty-six minutes. That escalated quickly.."

"I know.." JJ whispered. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, sugarplum. I'm just not sure I expected them to react that way, but I'm also not sure I expected you to jump in at the deep end like that either without warning me first."

"I _had_ to." JJ's face contorted, her blue eyes glassy with tears as she reasoned. "If I didn't, then I probably wouldn't have done it."

"I know." Garcia patted her friend's leg and smiled. "But you did do it, and I'm so proud of you, honey."

It wasn't the person that she had hoped to hear that from, but it had the same affect. Perhaps a better affect, when she really thought about it. Garcia had been the one that had stood by her through all of this and knowing that she hadn't let her down almost made up for the fact that she had in fact let down two of the most important people in her life and would probably never be able to reconcile that.

"Motel?"

"Yeah.." JJ sighed distractedly.

**CM-CM-CM**

**_Almost midnight; somewhere outside of Central London:_**

The door closed behind her with a quiet click, taking the sounds of the street with it like a vacuum until all that was left was total and complete silence. For a moment, she basked in it; closed her eyes and allowed her lightly falling breaths to drift through it and surround her like a comfort blanket. But as always, and somehow more so now, her appreciation for the silence didn't last too long, and before she knew it, she was clinging to the sound of her breaths like they were the only thing keeping her afloat. The feeling caught her off-guard as it always did. She was drowning, and there was no explainable reason why. All at once it felt like she wasn't moving fast enough, and yet too, like she was moving too fast despite being stood still; it was like she couldn't breathe, and yet those breaths providing the only sound in her new home had increased exponentially. It was that inexplicable desire somewhere deep in her chest to turn on every appliance in her house that had yet to be unpacked just for the sound that they would create; but when her phone shrilly pierced the silence, she felt irrationally angry towards it and for even the minute that she would have to spend on the phone in conversation with the caller.

"Hey." The voice on the other end of the line was vibrant, clearly more excited about her arrival in London than she seemed to be in that moment. "Yep, Monday morning, bright and early." The caller spoke some more, filling her in on apparently necessarily details that she couldn't quite understand herself the impatience that she felt towards them and him. "Listen, it's been a long day. And I have to spend tomorrow unpacking so I should probably turn in." Obviously putting her nonchalance down to jetlag, Clyde let up and agreed that she should get some rest. "Yep, see you Monday."

But rest wasn't the direction that Emily took when she got off of the phone; rest, right in that moment, seemed somewhat impossible. She was tired, definitely tired enough that she could sleep, but she knew this mood. So she also knew without a shadow of a doubt that the very second that she laid her body down on her freshly made bed, she'd find herself falling, her fingers gripping into the sheets like she was _literally_ falling through the air; her mind would both rush and still to nothing, and this simmering anxiety in the pit of her stomach that seemed to be radiating throughout every inch of her and actually heating her cool skin would only worsen. She knew it because she'd been there; she'd been there, and she'd learnt, and she wasn't going there again.

Pulling off her jacket and shirt right there in the hall, Emily rummaged through her luggage until she found something that wouldn't encourage the heat prickling at her skin like it was actually being caused by a genuine fever. It wasn't, she knew; it was purely psychological and went hand in hand with the increasing contortion of her stomach, her chest, her brain, but she also knew that stopping was only going to make it worse. She pulled on a light, pastel pink camisole, feeling something akin to disdain when she remembered just how much JJ had voiced her dislike towards it and the fact that it looked several years old. Of course, that was the reason that she liked it all, and as she pulled it over her head, she couldn't help but feel somewhat smug - like, in some flawed way, she had gotten one up on JJ with her petulance in wearing it and she smiled as she pulled on the shorts that the blonde just happened to hate too.

Of course, this wasn't about JJ. This wasn't about anything specific; it never really was and that was what, in the beginning, had made it so infuriating. If she was so intelligent - if she could tell you exactly what every person she met on a daily basis was feeling and thinking without even talking to them - why couldn't she decipher what she herself was experiencing in those very moments? She never had been able to do the math, to work out what the equation lead to. Even now, when she could easily place a label on it marked 'JJ', or attribute it to having to leave behind everything that she had known to start a new life, or to the damn woman on the plane that had both shattered her content, purposeful obliviousness and at same time left her craving in ways that made no sense; it didn't work. When she considered any of those possibilities, just like in the past, they were like pieces to the wrong puzzle; the right shape but far too large or far too small to fit with her current frame of mind.

Yes, the frustration of the unknown and unexplainable had caught her off guard so many times in the past that she had let it win - allowed it to subdue her and leave her at it's mercy until it was done toying with her. Until one day, when she had stopped looking for the cause, stopped trying to figure out the underlying source if there indeed was one, and instead focussed on the treatment needed to endure what it had resulted in. A treatment that she now had down to a meticulous art.

She flicked on a light as she walked through to the dining room; the sudden illumination bringing about a sight that would probably cause most people to groan in premature exhaustion, but instead caused a subtle, excited smile to adorn her lips. Because those boxes represented exactly what she needed - chaos. Chaos that needed fixing; chaos that _could_ be fixed, and that overrode the indecipherable emotions - or lack there of - coursing through her enough that she could almost breathe steadily again. Of course, there were four vital pieces missing to this scenario that were entirely necessary in conducting her operation correctly - her iPod and docking station, and her coffee maker and the beans that Rossi had roasted and ground for her before she had left - and when she found those pieces, she felt somewhat like an addict who knew their next hit was imminent.

The coffee brewing in her otherwise empty kitchen, Emily set up her iPod docking station in the dining room; searched for the playlist created solely for these moments and began the first track, her fingers gripping onto the lip of the mantelpiece as she allowed the melody to float through her ears and disrupt the thunderous silence that had taken up residence within her. These moments always painted themselves the same in her mind; somewhat strangely, she pictured a lake. It was placid and still, almost eerie, until she picked up a rock from the ground and disrupted the almost solid-looking surface of the water; a slightly complacent smile on her face as she watched the ripples, felt them vibrate throughout her body. But that first feeling was never enough - necessary, but lacking - and with her eyes still closed to the beat, she upped the volume just two more notches, then three more, and four more, until those faint ripples in her mind were almost tidal waves; twenty-foot, violent splashes created from something that had once been suffocatingly serene.

She smiled a full smile as the music carried her; as she felt her lungs clear and something more overwelming than the ever-increasing nothing in her mind stood firm against the inexplicable emotions that had been taunting her. The anxious twist in her stomach wasn't gone by any means but it was like it had changed sides in this battle; was now working with her instead of against her, fuelling her like the copious mugs of caffeine that she was about to fill herself with.

_Mugs.._ She mused as she turned with a furrowed brow, allowing the pounding melody filling her body and the large room to do it's work as she searched for the box marked 'kitchen'; finding it almost immediately nestled between one marked 'bathroom' and another named 'misc' and deciding there and then that that was where she would begin this mission.

The house was huge - possibly larger than it needed to be given that there was only her - and it was almost five am when she finally stopped. There was still so much to be done, but she had achieved something, and that something was what had even prompted this late night cleaning expedition; something that she felt the result of as she crawled beneath her sheets around 5:15 and found herself basking in pure relaxation.

This very moment was the defining reason as to why she preferred night time. It had baffled her that she could really have a preference on time of day, but when she had recognised the correlation between the early hours of the morning and the entirely calm state of her constantly-working mind, she had figured it out. In these moments, there was promise that she didn't need to question. There was hope that she accepted without meticulously picking it apart in a search for holes, and there was truth that she didn't even care was dishonest and solely down to the drug that the end of the day essentially was. Tomorrow was a new day; one that she knew looked far better from this side than it would whilst actually living it in several hours time, but she was okay with pretending to be ignorant to that. She was okay with giving herself over entirely to this wholly tranquil state, because these were the only moments when her mind wasn't working like mill; constantly churning out the same regurgitated thoughts, conclusions, decisions and memories just to then suck them back in twist them into something far grander and more complex than what they had started out as.

She was okay with that because in these moments she could breathe, and as she closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep, she clutched fake excitement for her new journey to her chest along with her comforter - fake excitement that she knew would unravel the very moment that she opened her eyes some time that Sunday afternoon. But that just meant that she had several hours to experience this sudden, welcome lack of her constant, engrained need for control - a freeing feeling that was very rare in the world of Emily Prentiss.


	18. Chapter 18

**Author's Note 1:** Just FYI, this (or the next chapter) is not a religion-bashing tirade. I am not, even slightly, at all, intending to offend anyone with this chapter. That, however, does not mean that I'm blind to the possibility that I may. Honestly, I don't have an issue with specific religions, the specifics of those specific religions, or the people that hold a belief in whatever deity they wish to. If I have any issues, they lie with those who take their religion or belief out of context, turn their faith into an excuse to preach hate, and essentially warp something that is supposed to be beautiful for their own selfish justification. But I'm hoping, and choosing to believe, that that is a very minor group of people, and hopefully that will show with this chapter and the next instead of inadvertently pissing someone off. Totally not trying to!

Also, I'm not entirely sure why I'm apologising for this again or if I actually am, but Emily and JJ's reunion won't be rushed. Please, please, please stop pressing for me to hurry to a point that I'm not even sure is coming. That isn't supposed to make me sound like a jerk, it just makes me feel like I shouldn't bother with everything prior to that end point that I'm putting so many hours into writing when there are some who seem to just want the 'happy ending' and absolutely no substance in between. Make sense? I am grateful for all of my reviewers though, especially the ones who have actually stuck with this story and aren't trying to rush that ending. Thank you, and this chapter is for you guys.

That is all.. Enjoy. :)

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Eighteen: <strong>_**She Keeps Me Warm**_

"_That holy water that you soak in has been poisoned."_

She couldn't help but feel that this moment was wasted on her. There was nothing but silence for miles around; even what she knew to be a typically busy motel seemed still, with no guests bustling in and out of the doors to the left and right of her, juggling ice-buckets or giggling from a night of heavy drinking. The trees moved gently against the twinkling, clear night sky; the soft breeze jostling them just enough to give them a steady sway and swooping off of their branches to brush against her heated skin. And the cold bottle of beer in her hand was providing a very welcome, numbing haze that calmed the after effects of everything that had, through blind naivety, unexpectedly unfolded this evening.

It hadn't been unexpected really – after all, it had been feared – but that didn't mean that she had been prepared for it. No part of her had been in hindsight, and considering what had preceded this very moment, the understated beauty of it seemed to pull no more than a small, semi-appreciative smile from her.

Twisting her heel into the dirt beneath her feet, she watched the way that it left several ringed indentations in dry, almost grey, brown like it was the most interesting sight in the world. It wasn't; it was, in essence, insignificant, but it did distract her at least momentarily from this craving that she couldn't erase. It wasn't a craving for the beer in her hand to be something stronger, and it wasn't even for her mother to call the phone laid hopefully beside her to apologise and welcome her back with open arms; it was for Emily to suddenly emerge from the darkness of the highway and silently stride through the soft glow of the motel lights like a long-lost heroine in a movie - there to not necessarily save the day, but just to make it bearable.

She wanted her to take a seat behind her on this badly-made wooden walk way, to envelope her body with hers and wrap her arms around her stomach. To tell her without saying a word that everything would be just fine - just like she had all those months ago in her bedroom when she had fought the opportunity to tell her the truth; a truth that she would gladly give her right now if it only meant that she'd be here.

Her body shook with an unexpected chill when reality – the fact that Emily was _not_ coming to her rescue – pierced through her numbed mind, and she wrapped her arms over themselves to shield her from the cold that actually wasn't there; pulled her legs up onto the walkway that she was perched on and crossed them. For one brief, selfish moment, she considered calling her – she'd have to be completely inhuman for that to have not crossed her mind - but she knew better than to do it. Besides, she had Garcia. Garcia who had been right by her side throughout this whole expedition, Garcia who was sat in their motel room watching some bad late-night sitcom just waiting for her to return from her 'moment'; Garcia who would do just what she needed of Emily without hesitation if only she asked her to, but it wasn't the same. She was certain that it made her somewhat ungrateful – but it just wasn't Emily. There was a whole different level of comfort that Emily could offer her, had always offered her without even trying, and that was what she was certain she needed right then.

It felt somewhat similar to the moment when you find yourself getting over a bad relationship, enjoying life without that person who once _was_ your life – until suddenly you realise that all you really want to do is share those experience that are getting you by with the very person that you're trying to forget. With someone who just isn't there anymore, and every ounce of progress quickly loses all meaning. She wanted to tell Emily that she had been brave, that it had ended badly – possibly as bad as it could have – but that she had done it. But how could she when Emily didn't even know that she had had reason to need to be brave in the first place? How could she when Emily wasn't that person to her anymore? She couldn't, and suddenly her life-changing moment of courage lost all significance; for that whole moment it didn't matter because she couldn't take her adrenaline that was bathed in warped pride and tainted with the faintest hint of regret, and paint a vivid, somewhat exciting image for the brunette.. because the brunette didn't care to see. She'd made sure of that.

"Sweetie.."

A soft, tentative voice came from beside her and she turned nonchalantly in response.

"I brought you another beer." The typically bubbly woman smiled a soft smile that she knew didn't hold a great deal of right to be present in this moment. "Care for some company?"

"Actually.." No, she wasn't Emily, but she was more than enough. She was the strength that she needed right now; not only to deal with the aftermath of what she had done, but also to hold onto the truth that there was a world without Emily in it and one that had once been beautiful. _Could_ be beautiful again if she'd just open her eyes. "I'd like that."

Garcia quickly bustled forward and sat beside JJ on the walk way, handed her a freshly opened beer as she did. "How you feeling, love?"

"Like my parents just disowned me." JJ laughed, purposely making light of something that was as heavy as it got, despite knowing that that wasn't the real issue here. It was definitely the centre, but it wasn't what made it complete, and it wasn't what made it hurt as much as it did right now.

The older blonde didn't have the right words, no consolation to fix what was reality, and for a moment she felt somewhat useless. She watched JJ with a sad frown, hoping to find the answers in her eyes but perhaps JJ didn't know either. "Is there anything I can do?"

"You could find something a little stronger than this." JJ replied, lifting her beer in the air. She hadn't honestly expected Garcia to go off in search of some mind-numbing toxin, but the hope had been there.

"Grocery store?" The older woman questioned implicitly.

"About three miles that way." JJ pointed to the left of the highway before looking back to her friend. "Would you like me to come with you?"

"Nope." Garcia patted her friend's leg. "You enjoy your moment, sugar. And when I get back, we will decide our next move."

JJ smiled genuinely, warmed by the use of the word 'our' rather than 'your'. She wasn't in this alone. "Thank you, Garcia."

"Don't mention it, gumdrop." She squeezed the blonde's shoulder, wandered back into the room to grab her purse and JJ's car keys, and when she returned she handed the smaller woman her iPod. "Track three on my 'Super-Duper-Awesome' list. Perhaps it will have a backwards effect but.. Ya know, just like it helps to listen to sappy love songs when you've had your heart broken, I think this may help you."

"It's not some awful, obnoxious rap that gives rap a bad name forced on you by Morgan, is it?" JJ asked, only partly joking; her face scrunched up at the memory of last time that she had been coerced into listening to that.

"No." Garcia replied before whispering with a wink. "That's track four. I'll be back in however long it takes me to decipher these roads, find the store, fight some old lady for the last bottle of gin and make my way back."

"No gin!" JJ yelled, knowing that Garcia had no clue what the reason was for her distaste towards the spirit. "Just.. no gin, okay?"

JJ shuddered for the second time as Garcia agreed and climbed into her car, and she turned her attention back to the bottle in her hand; mindlessly picking at the label as she considered her rationale behind the 'no gin' rule that had been an engrained part of her life for over fifteen years.

There had only ever been one time that she had drank the stuff, on that night many, many years ago when she had stolen it from her parents' liquor cabinet in a proactive attempt to make the rest of her evening bearable – the evening that she had made some questionable decision to lose her virginity, and too, the rumours surrounding her. The night that, ironically enough, only made it through to fruition _because_ she had had so much alcohol coursing through her veins. It was necessary, on both accounts, but whenever she thought about Billy Jenson, even now, she couldn't help but taste what strangely seemed to have the flavour of strong orange peel creeping up the back of her throat.

In all honesty, Billy had been a wonderful guy. In fact, every guy that she had dated had been pretty wonderful. Perhaps she was more meticulous about who she chose to date through some need to find the perfect cure; the better the guy, the less her desire for the girl. But of course it didn't work that way. It was never going to work that way, and she couldn't help but both laugh and be amazed by her seventeen, eighteen, nineteen year old self, and the woman that she had been until recent months, for ever believing that it could work – for enduring it and persevering when it didn't. That woman, she was pretty incredible.. and she would have seen that too if she wasn't so trapped in the negative. But considering the forces pushing against her these days, that could very easily be forgiven.

With a heavy sigh, JJ unwound the wires from her friend's iPod, nestled the buds into her ears and proceeded to find the track that had been suggested to her. As she scrolled through song after song of awful music, she made a mental note to question Garcia's criticism of her own taste in music when she got back, before finding the one in question and hitting play. She rolled her eyes immediately as the intro ended and a voice began, assuming that it really was one of Morgan's terrible rap favourites, but when the opening line finally wormed its way inside her mind, she literally straightened up to attention; her every sense focused on the somewhat unique voice depicting tales and truths of the clash between homosexuality and religion. But it wasn't that that got her.. No, it wasn't that distinctly appropriate topic that caused silent tears to grace her flushed cheeks, or for her to rewind the same part over and over again; it was that one single, inexplicably profound, repeated line of _'she keeps me warm'_. It was simple, and nothing, but it was somehow everything.

Perhaps it was more down to the alcohol than a sudden epiphany caused by the song; but she didn't feel bad anymore. No part of her regretted what had taken place this evening, or any evening prior to this point; and what had lost all significance in the moments that she had realised that she couldn't share tonight's events with Emily, suddenly found meaning again. It was nestled somewhere between this unexplainable certainty that it wasn't over. She had no clue where that had come from, none whatsoever; but for the strangest reason, she couldn't help but believe that one day - one day when the time was right - it would be different. It would be different, and her self-induced ignorance that had caused her to lose the thing that had indeed kept her warm, alive, _living_; wouldn't win. It sure looked like it had right now as she sat crying like a love-sick teenager on the step of some motel, but she had hope and she was going to run with it.

"Oh crap.. is that my fault?"

Her friend's hovering presence rather than her voice was what grabbed JJ's attention and she immediately pulled the earphones from her ears; just how long she had been daydreaming only a brief question in her mind. "Huh?"

"Did I make you cry? With the song, did I.."

"Oh.." JJ smiled very subtly through her tears, looked briefly to the iPod in her hands before swiping at the droplets gracing her cheeks. "No. Well, I mean, not really. It isn't a bad thing, Garcia."

"How are tears possibly a good thing?" Garcia questioned quickly, sitting down with panic in her eyes.

"Excuse me? I do believe that there were tears in your eyes when you _accidentally_ found nudey pictures of Morgan on the internet." JJ laughed.

"Hah, yeah.." The older blonde smiled and then drifted to a place that was apparently far more beautiful than the moment she was in.

"So what did you get?" The younger woman asked, repeating herself with a slow, dramatic wave of her hand when she got no response. "Earth to Garcia.. What did you get?"

"Oh, sorry, treacle." The distracted blonde apologised, opening the bag in her hands to unload the contents. "I got vodka. I can't pronounce the name which tells me it probably tastes like bleach, however, I'm pretty certain that it's Russian so it should get the job done." She placed the bottle of vodka between them on the step and reached into the bag again. "Also," She grinned. "swiped two _actual_ glasses from the guy at reception. We ain't drinking this from plastic cups. Mostly because I'm pretty certain it would melt them, but.." She shrugged. "I also got that weird chili dark chocolate that you like, and a pack of Marlboro red. Ya know, just in case."

"I don't smoke, Garcia, and I'm pretty sure I never plan to." JJ raised an eyebrow, a genuine smile in her eyes that reflected the much appreciated efforts of her friend.

"Well, I duno, you didn't sleep with women either until you did. So maybe you're a closet smoker too." Garcia nudged the blonde and winked.

"Touche." JJ nodded, unable to argue, before reaching for the vodka to pour two drinks. "I guess we'll find out after several of these, won't we?"

"Just don't try it on with me." Garcia responded with mock seriousness as she took the offered glass from her friend. "I took a leap of faith in not bothering with a mixer for this toxin, don't make me regret it."

"Oh sweetie.." JJ narrowed her eyes and leaned into her friend as she reached her own glass out to chink it with Garcia's. "You would _not_ regret it."

"Wow.." Garcia hissed as she knocked back her shot.

"Yep.." The blonde agreed as the clear liquid burned through her chest without apology.

"No, I mean.." She shrugged. "You. For someone who's entire world has just been turned upside down, you're very bold." She looked to the glass in her hand, her lips still pursed from the lingering taste in her mouth. "Though, whatever this is is pretty.. _bold_, too."

A very subtle blush crept over JJ's cheeks as she poured each of them another drink; held her own in both hands and rested her outstretched arms on her knees as she looked off into the distance. She knew it was a defense mechanism to make such jokes, but she couldn't help but feel some kind of truth in them too. Not truth that leant itself to anything untoward happening between her and her friend, but truth in herself. "It's just.. nice, ya know? It's amazing to just.. say and do what I want without having to apologise for it. It's amazing to just be able to say and do what I want at all."

"Well I like it. I like the real you." Garcia spoke honestly as she swilled her drink in her hand, her curious mind suddenly taking the lead. "Jayje.. what did your mom mean? When she said she thought that you'd gone over this already. What did she mean?"

JJ looked to Garcia with a sigh and chewed the inside of her lip. "When I was fifteen, I guess I.. I guess I was just beginning to put the pieces together. There was this girl at Sunday school. She was a tiny little thing for her age and she had this whole nerdy air about her that for reasons entirely unknown to me at the time just.. captivated me. We used to write each other letters. About nothing at first, just pointless rambles that really amounted to.. well, nothing. I'd eagerly run to the girl's bathroom once the session was over to read what she'd written me because her words were like drugs. Each curly I and T and L just made my stomach flip with something just.. wow." She laughed with something akin to amazement, and it truly was when she thought about it. "I'd read those letters over and over again like I was trying to dig beneath them for some hidden meaning. I don't know what I was searching for. I mean, I do now, obviously, but then I was just curious in ways that made no sense. But that, on that one day, suddenly made a whole _lot_ of sense. The whole three pages were the same typical words that always kept me enthralled, but then at the very end, right before she signed her name, there were three words that got me far more than every one she had directed my way until that point."

"She told you she loved you?" Garcia assumed, a smile on her face for just how sickeningly cute that story was.

"Yup." JJ smiled again, feeling some kind of nostalgia for someone she hadn't thought of in years; before that smile faded abruptly and she shot back her drink. "Of course, that was a big deal for me. A _huge_ deal. It evoked all of these new feelings that I just didn't know what to do with and.. stupidly I decided to talk to my mother about it."

"Oh.." Garcia groaned, immediately seeing the mountain that this beautiful flight of discovery was about to crash into.

"Yeeah.." JJ drawled and scrunched up her face. "She told me that it was a phase. That all girls went through it and that it would pass. And when I pressed the issue further she became kinda angry. Told me that I already know that such a thing is a-"

"Against God's will." Garcia finished the sentence for her with a disbelieving shake of her blonde head. "What does that even _mean_?"

"I know, right?" JJ shot back almost excitedly. "It's like.. was it God's Will for me to be this profoundly unhappy for the past seventeen years? Was that what he wanted? Ya know, I spent my whole life until I left East Allegheny in a world that was central to that God, and I don't believe for a second that he would want to cast such misery upon anyone. No.." She shook her head. "It wasn't against God's Will. It was against my _mother's_ will, and I think that's where my downfall was."

"In misunderstanding?"

"No. I think somewhere deep down I knew the truth. My downfall was in letting it become _my_ truth, _my_ reality."

"But it isn't anymore." Garcia grinned with pride, pouring two more glasses before handing JJ's back to her and holding out her own. "To the gays!"

JJ laughed at her friend's choice of toast. "Really?"

"Yes, really. Now.." Grabbing JJ's wrist and effectively pulling their drinks closer together, Garcia encouraged. "Toast with me."

Rolling her eyes, the younger woman chinked their glasses together for a second time, mumbling her friend's sentiment with some kind of patronising undertone. "To the gays.."

"Oh, no.." Garcia shook her head, already reaching for the bottle again; her face expressing vividly just how unimpressed she was by JJ's "efforts". "That won't do. Let's try again, and I want to _taste_ your enthusiasm!"

Giggling, JJ made attempt number two. And then three. And then four, until Garcia was finally satisfied and she herself found herself floating in that blissful state of intoxication; a permanent but undefinable smile gracing her pink lips as she swayed subtly with the barely there wind and savoured every second of the feeling. It was like heaven.. if she still believed in such a thing.

By the end of the night, they had toasted 'the gays' more times than they could count, smoked almost all of the cigarettes despite JJ's earlier protests that she didn't and never would smoke, and the chocolate had been partially eaten and the rest fed to some random raccoon that came shuffling by around midnight. They were both going to feel it in the morning, but it was worth it, and it was only when the clock hit 1am that the alcohol coursing through JJ's system took an abrupt turn; where it had previously provided her with unadulterated, unquestionable happiness, it had now dumped her in this sad reflective place that just compounded the fuzziness in her mind.

Pushing herself back, she leant against the exterior wall of their room, her sad eyes staring into the glass in her hand like she was trying to figure out how she hadn't seen behind its guise. She should have known that innocent, clear liquid that had promised and actually delivered smiles and easy laughter would turn on her eventually; that it would slam her back into reality without even the semi-logic that being sober provides and she couldn't work out if she wanted to vomit or cry.

"You okay back there, pumpkin?" Garcia slurred, now laid on her back; her half-empty glass resting on her tummy as she stared up at the stars.

"Just.. wonderful."

"She'll be back, ya know." Garcia responded out of the blue, the alcohol in her causing her to look beyond the obviousness of what _could_ be wrong with JJ to see immediately what actually _was_ wrong with JJ. She knew that it wasn't the main aspect, far from it, but after everything that the blonde had been through, she could totally understand that she would be craving Emily right now. Especially if she had crossed over that very thin line between being happily tipsy and wholly intoxicated – a line that she herself had somehow managed to keep on the right side of through memory of having crossed it several times in the past. "You both need this time. But you two.. You're like, yin and yang or something. Like.. ebony and ivory.." She giggled to herself for reasons that she didn't even care to place as she searched for more phrases that contradicted but totally complemented each other. "You're like those stars and the night sky up there.. Though, I'm not really sure who is which but.. perhaps you're both each." She was totally rambling, but in her slightly inebriated state, what she was saying felt entirely logical. "Ya know, like, you each make each other _shine_.." Her hands went out in some dramatic mock gesture as she said that last word; quickly placing them back where they were when her drink nearly rolled off of her stomach. "You're also both so colossal and intense, just like the sky and those stars but you're.. you're forever, Jayje."

"You got that from a song didn't you?" JJ questioned distractedly, purposely ignoring what those words did to her insides; the subtle smile of the woman currently peering up at her from what looked like an uncomfortable position giving her her answer, but she verbalised her thoughts anyway.

"Not entirely. Perhaps the shine part. The rest is all me. I'm pretty philosophical when I wana be." She returned her eyes to the sky and frowned. "_Philosophical_.. Is that even the right word? _Wise_.. Perhaps wise works better." She smiled, proud for reasons that she probably couldn't even decipher. "I am pretty wise."

JJ allowed her friend's ramblings to float as background noise as she tipped her glass back and forth; far enough for the liquid to almost spill out each time but not quite. It was mesmerizing - though, that probably had more to do with the liquid that was inside her than the little left in the glass. Still, her dazed blue eyes watched it ebb and flow for a good minute before her friend's thought path changed abruptly – so abruptly that it caught her off guard – and she returned to the present in an instant.

"Who's James?"

"He.." Sighing, JJ bent her legs so that her feet were flat on the ground and rested her arms on her elbows. "He's my cousin. He's the reason that I should have known better than to try to talk to my mom about.. well, anything. My family disowned him for quite some time after he came out, and the only reason they acknowledged his existence again was because he backed down and played by their rules. So I guess you could say that he's also the reason that I never tried again after that and instead became very good at playing pretend. I guess I didn't want that to be me."

"So who the hell is Bella?" Garcia questioned with no apology for the tone in her voice.

"Oh." JJ smirked with a somewhat disgruntled glimmer in her eye. "She would James' wife."

"His _what_?" Garcia sat up abruptly, lying on her stomach to face her friend.

"Yep." JJ nodded. "I guess he was _cured_, just how they wanted him to be."

"That's bullshit."

"I know.." The blonde sighed. "I know.."

"Where is he now?"

"I.. I don't know." JJ frowned. "I think he still lives around here, but I know he moved out of his apartment when Bella fell pregnant."

"_What_?" Garcia rolled her eyes. "Jeez, this is better than your bad soap opera. At least you didn't _marry_ Will."

"Thank for the honesty, Garcia.." JJ grumbled and shot back the remnants of her drink.

"Sorry.." The older blonde looked down, her head snapping back again when another thought quickly crossed her mind. "Ya know what we should do? We should visit him. That should be our next move."

"Why.." JJ asked like it was the most ridiculous suggestion that she had ever heard. "What would that possibly achieve? If he's happy, I'm not looking to rock the boat through some agenda to ensure that no one lives the life of ignorance and denial that I did. I just wana go home and live my own life and be done with everyone else."

"No, not that. I just.. I think it may do you some good to see him again."

"I don't know where he lives, Garcia. And I'm not waking him up at this hour even if I did."

"What do you take me for?" The older woman raised her eyebrow. "No. If he really was 'cured' by God as you put it, he'll be at church tomorrow, right?" JJ gave a somewhat noncommittal nod. "Exactly, so, we could visit him there."

"You are kidding, right?" JJ laughed in disbelief; raised her eyebrows and rolled her eyes with a shake of her head when Garcia seemed serious. "Not a chance. My parents made their feelings very clear and I don't think showing up at church will help that any. I don't want to make a bigger deal out of this than it already is."

"_They_ made it the big deal that it is, Jayje." Garcia reasoned. "And there won't be a scene.. Your mom can't be that unreasonable, and I certainly don't want to go in there hurling insults. I just don't want you leaving here with this much unresolved crap. Because it _will_ haunt you, and you've come this far. You deserve it to end with some happiness and serenity."

JJ shook her head softly before forcing herself up and stumbling back into the room; the true affects of the alcohol becoming apparent. "Not happening. I think it's.." She pressed her hand to her stomach when a wave of momentary nausea passed through her. "It's bed time."

**CM-CM-CM**

"Come on, honey." Garcia spoke soothingly as she wafted a steaming hot, cardboard cup of coffee around the face of her blonde friend who was currently laid flat on her stomach, her arms outstretched beneath the pillows that her cheek was unflatteringly smooshed into. "Wakey, wakey, pretty girl."

"Urgh.." Was all JJ could manage, her face contorting painfully when the pounding in her brain became apparent and her hand instinctively went out to shield herself from what felt like the crushing of her skull between a vice at the hands of sadist. Ya know, a sadist other than the one currently responsible for waking her into this state anyway..

"Come on. We have work to do." The older blonde spoke more firmly, clearly more chipper than her companion despite having drank her fair share of last night's spoils.

"Just carry me to the car." JJ grumbled. "You can drive back."

"Drive back?" Garcia raised her eyebrow and placed the coffee cup on the bedside table before grabbing JJ by the shoulders and rolling her onto her back. "Oh no, we have something to attend to before we even consider driving back to Virginia."

JJ's eyes shot open as some patchy memory from their last conversation several hours ago flashed through her mind. "You're kidding, right? Garcia, I just want to go home and forget any of this happened."

"What? So you can hit this wall again in several months and wake up in this state?" Shaking her head and pulling JJ into a sitting position, she continued. "Not a chance. I'm your best friend, right?" When JJ nodded feebly and rolled her eyes, she handed her the coffee that she had prepared and coaxed her to drink it. "Exactly, so you should listen to me. We're not driving back until we've at least made some attempt to fix what happened last night. I realise it isn't your fault and you shouldn't have to, but unfortunately that isn't how the world works. Sometimes we have to extend olive branches where they're not deserved."

"Well aren't you Miss Know-It-All this morning." JJ groaned and took a sip of her hot drink, both relishing the taste and despising how it mixed with the combining saccharin and stale coating on her tongue left from last night's binge. It took her a moment to recognize the silence where there should have been words from her strangely upbeat friend; looking up slowly when she did to see two eyes staring at her in a way that screamed, "do you really wana mess with me?" and she sighed petulantly. "Garcia, I'm not doing it. The last thing I need is to walk into a building where I know I'm not welcome. It was bad enough doing that with my parents, let alone a whole congregation."

"Arrogant, much?" Garcia laughed. "Jayje, believe it or not, the world does not revolve around you and some of those people are actually there to learn God's message and not cast daggers your way."

"You know what I mean." JJ whispered, indeed feeling somewhat arrogant despite knowing that her friend was joking. "I just don't see any possible way that doing such a thing will have a positive result. I'm not gona poke the bear when it's already made its feeling clear."

"Okay, okay.." Garcia acquiesced. "Well drink this, and take these." She handed her friend a bottle of water and a few painkillers before continuing. "Then take a shower and we'll leave. Your clothes are by the sink."

JJ frowned; she had not expected Garcia to give in that easily, and if even half of her brain had been functioning properly, she would have known that she hadn't given in at all. But she could barely even breathe without the slight sound shooting like screeching tires through her brain so she pushed herself out of bed and did as instructed without further question.

When she emerged from the bathroom twenty minutes later, clean and fully-caffeinated, the pain pills already working their magic; she asked the question that her hung over brain hadn't even considered half an hour ago. "How are you so.. alive, and I'm like.. dying?"

"You're not dying." Garcia rolled her eyes and flicked off the TV; hers and JJ's belongings already packed and ready to go. "You just feel like you are because you drank almost a full two litres of something that could have easily been rat poison."

"You helped me drink that!" JJ threw up her hand as she reasoned; that hand immediately going to her head when the abrupt movement caused the pain there to override the pills that she had been certain had worked just seconds ago.

"Yep, but our tolerance for alcohol is a whole world different, my dear." Garcia replied distractedly as she handed JJ another bottle of water and her sunglasses. "I think you'll need those."

"Ugh.. whatever." The blonde replied, already heading for the door. "Just get me home so I can go back to bed."

Yep, if her brain was working correctly, she would have noticed the subtle smile playing against Garcia's lips, or the not-so-wrong turn that the older woman took once they were on the road, or just how futile and illogical her explanation for such a thing was. But it wasn't, so she didn't, and it was only when they pulled up outside of a small, understated white building that JJ realised that she had been totally had.

"Oh, you are gona pay for this." She threatened with a slow shake of her head as she not-so eagerly pushed herself up in her seat.

"Perhaps." Garcia replied as she killed the engine. "And you can be terrifying when you want to be. But I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't truthfully believe it was the best thing for you. _Trust_ me."

"Garcia.." JJ whined softly, her blue eyes painted in a combination of sadness and pure fear. "Why do I need to be here? What is the point?"

"Jayje.." She sighed and turned to face her friend. "You need to be here because you're not like most people. I know you're going to go home and _drown_ in just how bad you feel, and I'm not so certain right now that that won't consume you enough to force you back into the closet of denial again. I can't let that happen, sugar. You've come too far."

JJ looked down with a soft swallow, flicked her gaze to the church on their left side and then back to Garcia. "Can we get pancakes after?"

Garcia smiled; the young woman in her presence truly looked like a child who was in the process of taking a bribe in order to visit the dentist. "Yes, we can get pancakes after." With a pat of her friend's leg, she climbed out of the car and stepped around to the passenger side to collect JJ. "And I'll even pay. Now come on, let's do this."


	19. Chapter 19

**Author's Note: **Forgot to mention it in my last chapter, but the song used (or sort of used) was Same Love by Macklemore. Though, I'm sure a lot of you have heard that already and therefore got the references. If you haven't heard it - there's your homework. ;)

**Author's Note 2:** I had also hoped to group this chapter and the previous one together, but my darling wife thought that sixteen thousand words would be too much for you all to read in one sitting, so you can thank her for saving you from that hell, haha. After this, at least the following two chapters are likely to be Emily-centric. I want to explore her relationship with Kate and too, the issues that lead her to leave, and I'm sure some of you are missing her. (I know I miss writing her.)

Also, thank you to those who reviewed my last chapter. Particularly, MTwkdtuna, whose praise always brings a smile to my face. It's difficult to keep hold of the motivation to continue with the story when there isn't a great deal of feedback coming in, but it's quality over quantity, as they say, and you guys are definitely experts at boosting my motivation. Keep it up, and I will (try my best to) keep rewarding you with awesome (even if I do say so myself) chapters. :)

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><p><strong>Chapter Nineteen: <em>Blessings<em>  
><strong>

JJ's heart sat firmly in her throat as they slowly approached the small building; her child-like eyes scanning the area like she was witnessing an apocalypse. But it wasn't an apocalypse – there were no haphazardly strewn, mutilated bodies lying around, no flames of hell reigning down on them, no nuclear explosions in the distance; the whole scene, actually, was quite serene. How could something so gentle-looking be so terrifying? But appearances were deceiving, and the appearance of this place definitely deceived what she knew to be beyond those doors..

The doors that opened with a quiet creak that almost caused her to jump as they stepped beyond the threshold. She was on high alert - she just probably couldn't say what for. It was like she was walking through a suspect's house, surveying the area with her eyes whilst her ears tuned in to every minute sound around her; except here, she didn't have her gun and badge. It was just Jennifer Jareau, and Jennifer Jareau had never been more out of her depths. But when she felt a comforting hand at the small of her back, she breathed again; she had back-up, the best weapon in her arsenal both now and professionally. Those sounds that she was searching for came into play in the form a muffled, semi-distant but somewhat powerful voice emanating from their left, the sight laid out before her was almost homely, welcoming, and to the naked eye, there were no monsters or bad guys lurking behind the shadows. But there was.. wasn't there?

It was a ridiculous notion, but as she peered through one of the small round windows in the left side of a set of doors, she couldn't help but feel that every single one of those people that she saw seated quietly in the large room were monsters. It was paranoia, reinforced by conditioning and sealed with example, but she truly expected that if any one of them turned to look at her, their eyes would be bulging, their teeth pointed and ravenous, and claws as sharp as knives. But when one of them did indeed turn to the quiet sound of her opening the door, it was a gentle, welcoming smile of a man in his mid to late thirties that met her fearful gaze and soothed her in ways that she could never have expected.

The words of the pastor at the front of the congregation didn't even enter her consciousness as they silently took up a seat somewhere along the back pew; her eyes too focused on the people around her. Her tired eyelids narrowed subtly as she studied them; each of them perched on the edge of their seat like they were waiting to hear that week's winning lottery numbers. She remembered that feeling; remembered being one of those engrossed sheep herself when she was much, much younger. Of course, it was all different back then. Back then, she didn't know that her belief – and it was a true belief – would one day mean that she'd lose herself entirely. Though, lose wasn't the correct word when she had known who she was all along and had simply given that away in favour of what she was certain these people were blinded by: ignorance. Perhaps it was fair to say that she was blinded by it in that moment too. She hated stereotypes, and yet here she was stereotyping every single person in this room.

Somewhere along the third pew to the left of them, she could see her parents, eagerly listening to the preachings of a man whom she remembered from her younger years, aged of course but still looked very much the same; and her heart sank. She couldn't see their faces and was grateful for that fact, but when she let her eyes roam to the left she couldn't suppress the unexpected and somewhat misguided smile that formed against her pink lips. There, next to her parents, sat the man – or boy, as he had been back then – who had played such an indirect but significant part in her life. He was aged too, just five years older than her but it definitely showed in the premature, subtle greying of his mousy brown hair that had once been vibrant, shiny and curled. Not that his hairstyle mattered, but at the same time it mattered more than any other detail and her smile faded into a frown as her heart broke.

This wasn't the guy that she remembered; this wasn't the cousin who had braided her hair and always reminded her to be herself, the cousin who had danced to cheesy eighties music with her and made her world such a colourful place to live in. This guy, she didn't recognise. But when the man in question turned and happened to meet her gaze, she saw something kindred in his eyes laced with some definite glimmer of relief that prompted the return of her smile and she had to physically stop herself from running over to him.

It was a further fifteen minutes before the hundred or so people in the small room finally snapped from their hypnotic state and fell back into reality enough to filter out of the side doors, and her and Garcia were one of the last ones to leave. But when she stood to shuffle out and find the people whom she was dreading facing again, several softly spoken words stopped her.

"It's considerably longer than I remember it being. I think that might take a while to braid."

Her heart stopped and her eyes widened, and there was nothing slow or subtle about the way that she instantly turned and flung her arms around the guy's neck without evening looking at him first. She clung on like he was a rescue-worker airlifting her from almost-death, her blue eyes bubbling with tears as she breathed in his clean scent and gripped tighter at his grey suit-jacket. She had technically been 'home' since yesterday evening, and yet this moment was the first time she had felt like she was 'home' in months.

Garcia smiled as she watched the embrace, her heart warming at such a sight in a way that made her want to get in on the beautiful, heartfelt action. But she refrained, only speaking when the poor guy looked like he was going to pass out. "Uh, Jayje.. he might need to breathe here soon."

"Sorry.." JJ gasped as she stood back, making no attempts to swipe away her tears as she braced her hands at his upper arms and studied him like he was a rarity, a priceless heirloom. Essentially, he was. "It's just.. it's so good to see you."

"It's good to see you too, JJ."

JJ smiled at the nickname – a nickname that he had actually started. She heard it on a daily basis, but somehow it sounded different coming from him; new and refreshing.

"Oh, Jennifer! Is that you?" A strangely high-pitched yet delicate voice came from behind her and startled all of them out of the moment. "Oh, it is! Your parents never mentioned you were home!"

Quickly swiping her tears away, she opened her mouth to speak, but the surprisingly strong arms of the little old lady now in their presence flung themselves around her before she had the chance to formulate more than just a winded gasp.

"Oh is it a surprise?" The old lady questioned excitedly when she pulled back almost as quickly as she had invaded the blonde's personal space. "Do they know you're here?"

"No, they.." JJ sighed inwardly. It wasn't an apocalypse, but this certainly wasn't going as subtly as she had hoped. However, as she once again tried to formulate some kind of response that wouldn't cast unnecessary 'embarrassment' upon her family, the old lady tugged her along and out into the hall that was now mostly free of all of the hundred or so people that had been hovering around just a few minutes prior – aside from that family, of course. _Oh great.._ The blonde tossed a brief 'help me' look in the direction of her cousin who apparently found this hilarious. But of course he didn't know the details, and she had no time to decode the expressions on her father's or who she assumed to be Bella's face before the little old lady beside her grabbed her mother's attention.

"Sandy, dear, look whose here!" The old woman grinned. "I think it was a surprise. Isn't that sweet?"

She saw it; that split second between her mother's fake smile as she spoke with the pastor – ironically, the same smile that she herself adorned for the media – and the hardened look of disappointment when she turned. There was no effort to subtilise the transition; no care to. Something that was further reinforced by the disgruntled looking woman's next words. "What are you doing here?"

"I.." JJ shot a quick look to Garcia for encouragement. "I think we need to talk."

"You said all you needed to last night, Jennifer. There's nothing left to be said, so I think you and your _girlfriend_ should leave."

Clearly her mother wasn't above embarrassing herself so long as it meant embarrassing her too, but really all that served to do was to cause JJ to question even further what the issue was. "Mom, please.."

"Oh, this is your girlfriend?" The small lady beside her smiled and reached out a hand for Garcia. "It's lovely to meet you, dear."

Garcia, stunned by the situation that she truly hadn't planned to go this way mindlessly reached out for the offered hand as she watched the death stare currently emanating from JJ's mom. This was going to end badly, and through her own naivety too. Silly her for thinking that Sandy Jareau was capable of being rational; she'd been anything but rational up until this point.

"Uh, I think we should continue this elsewhere, don't you?" She implored as she noticed the small group of people that had gathered around them. No, this was definitely not how this was supposed to go. She'd essentially thrown JJ to the lions, as was clearly reflected by the wholly out-of-her-depths look in the poor blonde's eyes. Looking quickly to the pastor to Sandy's left, she questioned. "Sir, do you have a room we could borrow?"

"Um, certainly." The aged guy nodded, a soft warmth in his eyes that resembled that of JJ's father; only with him it was laced with obvious discomfort that Garcia was certain centred around the mention of homosexuality in his church. "Right through there."

Tugging a distraught JJ along with her, Garcia stood by the door and shot Sandy a look that clearly depicted, "you have about two seconds to get in this room before I drag you in here." No, Penelope Garcia was not one to speak out of turn, nor one to knowingly engage in conflict, but the audacity of this woman astounded her; something that was only compounded by the state of her best friend. Fortunately, the intimidating exterior that she found herself adorning worked and the older woman – not before shaking her head in frustration – followed her through to the small room that JJ was currently waiting in.

JJ.. JJ who was oftentimes the most terrifying and fierce woman that Garcia had ever known, but was now stood with silent tears pooling in her brighter than bright blue eyes and her arms folded tight across her chest like she was protecting herself from everything around her. It was almost surreal to see; surreal and infuriating, and with her hands on her hips, Garcia stomped away from the now closed door and stood silently behind JJ. This wasn't her fight, but she'd be damned if she was about to let JJ fight it alone. For a moment, she was concerned that she had just made everything a ton worse – that neither of them would say one word to each other – but of course, she need not have worried and what she was beginning to detest about Sandy's nature shone through impeccably.

"Do you feel better for making a scene, Jennifer?"

That was unfair. Beyond unfair. There wasn't a word for just how unfair that was. "No, wait a minute, ma'am. She-"

"I wasn't talking to you." Sandy snapped; her eyes so cold when they locked onto hers that Garcia was somewhat surprised when she didn't turn to stone. "I was talking to my daughter, and I'm not sure I understand why you're even in this room anyway, Miss Garcia."

"I'm here because you seem very incapable of-"

"Pen.." JJ whispered with a soft shake of her blonde head. "It's fine. You can leave us."

Purposely refusing to meet the eyes of the other woman in the room for the smug smile that she was almost certain she'd find in them, Garcia instead kept her focus on JJ; studied the eyes that were silently imploring her to leave and telling her with certainty that that really was okay. "Okay. But I'm not going far." With a gentle squeeze of JJ's upper arm, Garcia walked towards the door to leave, but not before tossing a few choice words Sandy's way. "You should be ashamed of yourself. You have no idea how incredible your daughter is. Let's hope she gives you the chance to find out before you disown her through your own ridiculous ideals."

And with that, she was gone; quietly clicking the door closed behind her, only to look up and find three sets of eyes staring directly at her like she was a surgeon who'd just walked out of the hospital room of a critically-injured patient.

"Is everything okay, dear?" The as yet unnamed old lady beside James asked with what seemed to be genuine concern. "I'm not sure I'm following what the problem is here."

"I knew that girl was trouble." The pastor shook his head and disappeared, receiving him a glare from all three people in his presence.

"You and me both." Garcia kept her eyes fixed on the pastor as he walked away but her words were directed to the older woman. "I'm sure everything will be fine."

"I do hope so." The woman spoke with a disappointed shake of her head. "Sandy can be as stubborn as her mother used to be."

_So there's a long line of stubbornness in the Jareau women. Shocking.._ Garcia mused, suddenly curious about this somewhat surprising woman in their presence. "You've known her a long time then?"

"Oh yes, dear. Both of them their whole life. I grew up with Jennifer's grandmother."

James smiled somewhat proud and draped his arm around the old lady's shoulders. "This is Mrs Elsie Hargrove. She used to give JJ and I fifty cents for the ice-cream truck every Saturday when we were growing up. She's pretty great."

"Yes.." The older woman nodded. "Wouldn't get you very far these days." Turning her attention back to Garcia, she spoke again. "Are Jennifer and you in some sort of trouble? I'm old, dear. I apologise if I'm not quite up.. or down.. with you younger folk, but I really am not understanding the issue here."

"Oh trust me, Mrs Hargrove. You're far more up, _and_ down, than certain other people in this building." Garcia sighed. "No, no trouble. It's just.." Looking to James for some kind of guidance, to ensure that she wouldn't be making everything worse by explaining; Garcia received a gentle permitting nod and continued. "See, Mrs Hargrove. As you're aware, Jennifer is.. well.. She, uh, well.. She's in love with a woman. And I think her mother is having a hard time dealing with that. Some people are just.. unable to accept what they don't understand, I guess."

"Well what is there to understand?" Elsie questioned much to Garcia's surprise; standing clearly taking its toll as she, with James' guidance, walked over and took a seat at one of the several chairs littered outside of the small room. "Love is love, my dear. If you have it, you must embrace it with open arms and don't ever let it slip away from you. Let me tell you something.. I've seen a lot of this world in my ninety years that I've been living in it, and the thing I've come to realise is that almost nothing comes for free. Love is the only thing that does, and unfortunately, even that comes with a price sometimes."

"You're not wrong there, ma'am." Garcia spoke sadly, looking towards the small room that she had just left.

"But it shouldn't. If her daughter has found someone to love and care for her without condition, she should be grateful and happy. And you seem like a lovely girl, so-"

"Oh.." Garcia interrupted in an attempt at clarifying what she hadn't had the coherence to clarify before. "I.. I'm not her girlfriend. I'm her best friend. I'm here for support."

"Well it still works, my love." Elsie nodded with a smile in her eyes. "You still love her daughter. You're still here protecting her and no matter what happens here, as long as she has that she'll be fine. Sandy will come 'round eventually when she's quit being so damn stubborn. I watched that girl grow up, so I know she needs to go around the houses a little before she gets to where she knows she should be, but she'll get there. She just loves her daughter too, and I think in her own little way she's concerned for her well-being."

"I get that." Garcia nodded in understanding, seeing some kind of backward logic in Elsie's words. Truthfully, she was concerned for JJ too. Of course she was. Not in the same regard as Sandy, but in what all of this was doing and would do to her in the end. She had taken everything in her stride recently and she couldn't help but feel that the younger woman's binge last night was only the tip of the iceberg. She just didn't know the force strong enough to ensure that all of that weight on her shoulders didn't eventually crush her; if there indeed was one.

Back in the room, the silence was palpable, suffocating; neither woman had spoken a word since Garcia had exited, and neither had made eye contact either. It seemed the ceiling fan was far more fascinating, or the bookshelf, or the oversized cross hung on the far wall; anything but each other.

And she wasn't sure where she found it, and it mattered even less, but as a small ounce of courage blossomed in JJ's chest, she broke that almost painful silence. "I'm still me, mom."

Sandy sighed and took up one of the two seats in the room, unbuttoning her jacket as she sat. "You're not, Jennifer. My daughter would never have hurt people in the way you have."

Those words felt somewhat similar, she imagined, to a bullet ripping through her chest; the wounds so raw and open that even the air around her hurt. But of course, it only hurt because it was the truth, and as she took a seat opposite her mother, she couldn't help but agree. "I know." She nodded, pulling the sleeves of her sheer cotton, white shirt over her hands. "That part.. that wasn't me, and it wasn't right. At all. But doesn't that tell you the place I must have been in to do such a thing? I was so lost, mom. Can't you understand that?" Her sad, desperate eyes searched but she found no response, which told her one thing.. "But that's not even the issue here, is it?"

Sandy pursed her lips, straightened her back and looked away; knowing very well that her daughter's eyes would have seen through that immediately. Perhaps she was transferring her anger onto something more understandable, but to her, it was very understandable to be angry over JJ's sexual orientation. To her, it was more than understandable, logical even; and she needed to save her before it truly was too late. "You wouldn't have done what you did to hurt the people who love you if it weren't for.. for this disease. I'm sure you remember that we experienced this same issue with James, and while I don't think that warrants more discussion considering how far he's come, I do have the number for the-"

"No." JJ laughed incredulously; feeling wholly foolish for truly believing that her mother may have found her way to some understanding. "No, that is not happening. I'm not going to some 'pray-away-the-gay' camp, mom. It is not a _disease_. And you're right, I would never have done the things that I did if it weren't for this. I would never have hurt the people that I love with everything I have. But the 'this' that you're referring to isn't the fact that I'm in love with a woman. It's you." She hated casting the blame for her own actions onto her mother, and she knew that it wasn't all her fault, but she couldn't help but feel that the older woman at least shared some of the blame. "If you had just listened to me, or even tried to listen to me, this wouldn't have turned out this way. I'm not a bad person mom, you just never bothered to tell me that."

"Don't you dare blame your shortcomings on me, young lady."

"My shortcomings?" JJ raised her eyebrows and stood to leave. "Hah, now which part are we discussing? The part where I entered into an affair, or the fact that it was with another woman? Because maybe if it's the latter, it isn't your fault after all. God created us, right? So if we're playing the blame game, how about we toss some to the big guy too?"

"Is that why you came here? To ridicule our faith?"

"_Your_ faith, mom." JJ corrected as she turned back to face her mother. "It is _your_ faith, not mine. Not dad's, not James', not Elsie's." The clearly confused look on her mother's face implored her to clarify. "Oh you think you all share the same beliefs? No, you don't. Perhaps you all worship the same God, but your faith and belief in him is a world different to there's, ours, _mine_."

"Oh what do you know about faith, Jennifer?" Sandy retorted defensively. "What do you _believe_ in?"

"What do I believe in?" JJ laughed humourlessly with a nod, looking away and then back to her mother before confident words marched out of her mouth like toy soldiers. "I believe in human-beings. I believe in _humanity_. I believe in those people who give voices to those who don't have one. I believe in those people you see in the aftermath of a bombing, or a shooting, the ones who stick around and throw themselves in danger in order to protect those weaker than them, those who are hurt or injured. I believe in the people I work with, who come to work every damn day knowing that they're protecting the world from evil whilst people like you sit on your thrown and preach hate. Because that is what you're doing, mother."

"Oh, stop being dramatic."

"Dramatic?" JJ's eyes widened in disbelief at the once again hypocritical words of Sandy Jareau. "Wow.. You have some nerve. Ya know, this religion could be a beautiful thing if you were all made up of the _Elsie's_ of this world, but you're not. There's people like you who have changed it into something that it isn't supposed to be. Something that opposes the very message that it is supposed to be giving; hope, love. In this world where such a thing is so sparse and delicate, who are you to deny it? Who are you to say that one person is more deserving of love than another? That there's only one kind of love?" JJ swiped at her tears that were no longer falling because she was backed into a corner, but because she had found her own guiding light to lead her out. "Honestly, I pity you. And I do. There's a whole world out there but you're too blind to see it because you're afraid. Well, you know what? I am done being afraid. I lost the one person I have ever been so.." Her mouth was wide as she looked to the ceiling, searching for the words that would appropriately and adequately convey everything that she had felt and still felt for Emily Prentiss. "_Beautifully_, _incredibly_, and yet _tragically_, in love with because I was afraid. And I refuse to lose anyone else. If I lose you right now, it's not because of my own fear, mom. It's because of yours."

"You know nothing about love, Jennifer."

"I know enough about it to know that yours isn't unconditional, that it never was. I know enough about it to know that you'd happily disown your only _living_ daughter because of something that she can't control. That's it isn't it? Did _she decide_ to be gay too? Is that why she killed herself?" That was a low blow and she knew it, and her words stopped instantly as sound came rushing back like a tsunami in the aftermath of her tirade. Her hand jumped to her mouth as she stuttered a trembling apology that didn't even feel like enough to herself. "I.. mom, I'm sorry. I never.."

It was the fact that her daughter had just given her an out that forced Sandy's next words though, rather than the cruel words that had provoked memory of her deceased child. In backing down and actually acting human in this moment, JJ had allowed her mother to find a crack big enough to slip through and gain the upper hand once again in a battle that shouldn't even be taking place. "You listen, and you listen good. I never, _ever_, want to see you again." She was on her feet now, her dark blue eyes flashing with a combination of what seemed to be anger and hatred, but twinkled like genuine heartbreak as she pointed her finger. "I don't even want to hear your _name_. I don't want to know you _exist_. I don't want you anywhere near this town. You are dead to me, do you understand that?"

"Mom.." JJ's tears returned with a vengeance, this time definitely reflecting regret as she watched her mother leave. "Mom.. Mom, please." She sobbed as the door swung open and her mother disappeared; the few sets of eyes in the waiting room entirely lost on her as she slumped down in the seat behind her and sobbed into her palms.

Garcia was first to her side, brushing a hand soothingly through her friend's hair as she shot daggers in the direction that Sandy Jareau had just left. But when her friend shoved her away, it took her a moment to recognise that that fight was justified – justified since she had been the one who had forced her to come here today, but at the same time she knew that it was a defense mechanism and she wrapped her arms tight around JJ's shoulders and refused to let the protesting blonde go. "I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry. Shh, it's okay.. I'm sorry. I'm right here."

And she was sorry. How could something that she was entirely certain was the right thing to do have wound up in such disaster?

Almost two minutes later and the blonde's sobs were still a prominent fixture in the small room. Garcia was beginning to run out of ways to say that it would be okay, that she was right there, that they'd figure it out, and she was grateful when she looked up to find the younger woman's father stood in the doorway.

With a relieved smile from Garcia and one that requested permission from him, the young woman stepped away and he knelt in front of his daughter; his words apparently the magic charm, because as soon as he spoke, the sobs faded to sniffles and she looked up. "Hey, pumpkin."

"I'm sorry.." JJ whimpered honestly. And like Garcia, she really was sorry. In that moment, she was sorry for _everything_. She was a whole world of sorry for the comments that she had made about her sister, but she was just as sorry for everything else too; and for the umpteenth time in her relatively short life time, she found herself praying to whatever deity was listening that she would wake up tomorrow and be 'normal'. Whatever that meant. "I am so sorry."

"Hey, don't be.." Tom soothed as he brushed away his daughter tears. "Your mom, she.. Well, she has her reasons. But she still loves you, we all do. She will come round, okay?"

"And if she doesn't?"

"She will." He spoke solidly. "And in the meantime, I wana see some of that Jareau strength in you. I know you got it." When his daughter smiled subtly, he returned it with his own and kissed her forehead. "There ya go. It's going to be fine, I promise. Just give her a little time. And if that time takes its toll, just remember that I'm proud of you."

"Hey, Jay.." A tentative voice came from the door behind them and caused both JJ and her father to look up. "Bella called to check in. She left with Amy a little while ago, but she wants to know if you guys wana come over before you drive back?"

"I think that sounds like a good idea, pumpkin." Tom encouraged. "You go spend some time with your cousin. Meet that beautiful little cherub of his, eat some good food and just leave your mom to me, okay? We'll smooth this over and perhaps one day I can meet the woman responsible for this strength you seem to have found. You always were tough but there's something.. _glowing_ about you these days."

"Maybe one day.." JJ smiled and sniffled back her remaining tears; uncertain that Emily was even the reason for her apparent new bout of strength or if there would ever be a day that her father would get to meet her, but she honestly had no room in her brain to think further than that.

"Good." Tom nodded, pressing another kiss to his daughter's head before standing and reaching out a hand for her. "Now go on. Don't keep Bella waiting."

"Thank you." JJ smiled honestly and wrapped her arms around her father's neck..

..a hug that Garcia apparently couldn't keep herself from getting in on this time and she flung her own arms around the both of them. "You're pretty great, Mr T."

"Mr T?" Tom chuckled with difficulty into the embrace.

"Well, you're not a Jareau.." Garcia explained, her words muffled into the crevice between him and JJ. "I don't know what your surname is."

"Well, Mr T works just fine." He laughed, taking a step back. "I will see you both very soon. It was a pleasure to meet you, Miss Garcia. Take care of my daughter."

"You too, sir." She nodded, looking briefly to JJ who still seemed rather distraught but there was at least colour back in her cheeks. "And don't worry, I will. You have my word."

**CM-CM-CM**

A short time later, after a brief pause for Mrs Hargrove to wish JJ well, saw the blonde, Garcia and James in JJ's car making the short drive to his house. Whilst James drove and chatted with Garcia about everything nerdy, JJ sat in silence in the passenger seat just staring out into the road like she wasn't seeing it at all. Of course, she wasn't. All she saw through her vacant blue eyes was the chaos that she had left in her wake; not just now but through the whole of this. Blame seemed to be a vicious cycle that just would not leave her alone these days. Was anyone really to blame in all of this? Perhaps not, but she was trapped and far too exhausted to drag herself out of that tangled web this time.

Pulling up outside of James and Bella's house, JJ only noticed that they'd even stopped when her cousin tapped her arm gently. "We're here, Jay." He looked on with concern when she didn't budge, but a small voice beside him – a small voice that unbeknownst to either of them would break the spell - came to his rescue.

"Who's that, daddy?"

"Oh. Amy.." An instant proud grin formed on James' chiseled features as he opened his door and lifted the three year old up onto his lap. "This is your Aunt JJ. And you know what.." He whispered. "I think she could probably use a hug."

Chewing the corner of her mouth in contemplation and frowning a little at just how sad this new woman seemed to be, Amy shuffled towards her tentatively at first, before she stretched her arms out and wrapped them gently around the blonde as far as she could reach. "Don't be sad, Aunt JJ. I'll share my chocolit with you."

She wasn't sure if it was the pure innocence of this beautiful, mousy haired three year old, or the unique way in which she had pronounced the word chocolate, but something shifted inside JJ. Her chest warmed in a way that she hadn't felt since she had watched Henry climb up on a stool to retrieve his coat yesterday morning – something that seemed a world away now - and she laughed softly and brushed her hand over the young girl's head. "I'd like that, sweetheart."

Her sad and yet somewhat happy, teary blues eyes met James', and the silence between them spoke volumes before they each looked down to the small girl now snuggled in JJ's lap. There was some kind of unspoken understanding between the both of them that no outsider could have ever comprehended; something that centred in that very moment around that small bundle of innocence between them. It was promise, wrapped in a perfectly reflective guise of soft curls and dimples, and yet it didn't need a name; in that moment, it just helped. Helped JJ in a way that she was sure it had helped James through the moments such as this one that he must have experienced every single day of his life, and she felt lucky. Yes, this was hell. It was.. _awful_. But at least she wasn't living a lie anymore; something that saddened her to realise that he still was.

Recognising the place that JJ had just gone to, James spoke again to his daughter. "Why don't you take Penny here and go find your mommy? I'm sure she'd like to see Aunt JJ too. We'll be in in a moment."

"Okay, daddy." Amy nodded, wriggling over his lap and out of the car with somewhat humourous difficulty before taking Garcia's hand and running off in search of her mom.

"You doing okay?"

The obvious answer seemed to be no, but it wasn't the correct one; not really. How could she conceivably say that she wasn't okay when she had freedom that the man beside her hadn't known in years? How could she complain when she knew that, whilst nothing was perfect in this situation, there were doors open to her that had long since been closed to him? How could she..

"It is okay to not be okay, JJ." The slightly older man interrupted the turning cogs in her brain, that same understanding in his eyes that had lingered between them just moments ago.

"Is it?"

With a gentle shrug and something in his eyes that JJ couldn't quite make out, the mousy haired man replied. "Sometimes you need to be able to admit that. Look, I know what you're thinking right now, but you don't have to be okay for my benefit. I've come to terms with a lot, which is why I can even have this conversation right now without getting irrationally angry like I used to. You're where I was seventeen years ago and I know that feeling.. It's amazing, right? But it's like.. It's like freedom in shackles."

_Freedom in shackles.._ JJ mused. Yes, that's exactly what it was. She _was_ free, finally free, and yet she had never felt more trapped in her life. "How did you.."

"I ran away if you remember, which inadvertently admitted and reinforced that I was doing something wrong even when I knew somewhere deep down that I wasn't." James turned to face JJ and rested the side of his head against the headrest. "I created my own prison, Jayje. Even though I didn't realise it at the time. Which is why you _have_ to admit that you're not okay, because as soon as you start pretending that you are, you'll start forgetting _who _you are and that is a slippery path to find yourself heading down.."

For a moment, JJ just stared before she finally spoke. "You remind me of someone." She smiled and then looked down guiltily.

"Is that a bad thing?"

The blonde laughed softly and shook her head. "No. No, not at all. He's a great guy, it's just.. It's difficult to remember that sometimes. To remember how much I really do wish that I could have loved him."

"You don't wish that." James shook his head. "I mean, you do right now because it would be so much easier, but nothing in life that is worth your time is easy. Nothing."

JJ's mind instantly shot to several different aspects of that thing she called life, each of them of strongly supporting his point. Coming out to her parents wasn't easy.. but she had wanted it and would do it again if she had to. Loving Emily wasn't easy.. but she wouldn't change that for the world. Breaking up Henry's childhood and spreading it across two different states wasn't easy.. but she knew that it would be wholly best for the both of them in the long run. No, James was right. Right, and apparently very smug about that fact as was evidenced by the small smirk on his face. "You're quite proud of yourself, aren't you?"

"Very. I'm a genius. I can read Jennifer Jareau like a book!" He laughed and sat up; winking as he added the last part. "We'll forget the part where that's only because I'm the male version of you. Now, come on. Bella is dying to meet you, and I know you're gona love her."

JJ groaned inwardly as James climbed out of the car, somewhat uncertain as to how she could possibly love his wife. It wasn't Bella's fault of course, but she could be forgiven for allowing her to be the face of James' dishonest existence. Perhaps if she didn't exist, he'd be able to be who he really was. She hadn't considered that maybe the only reason that he was able to get through his actually necessary pretense, was _because_ of Bella..

**CM-CM-CM**

An hour or so later saw four adults and the young three year old enjoying the afternoon sun; their bellies full from lunch and smiles on their faces as they enjoyed the trivial, light-hearted conversation that was in complete contrast to everything that had unfolded that morning. This unexpected moment had become the antidote that JJ had needed, perhaps too the one that Garcia had been searching for back at the church, and the smile on the blonde's face really was genuine. It wasn't masking the turmoil that was still there, but more simply protecting it, shielding it until JJ found the strength to unload those boxes. It was encouraging and inspiring, loyal and promising. She was okay, _it_ was okay. Or rather, it would be.

Of course, James had been right too - Bella was nothing short of an angel. A dry-humoured, straight to the point, warm, angel. She had welcomed JJ with open arms, clearly hit it off with Garcia and was everything that James had implied her to be with the twinkle in his eyes as he had mentioned her. In a lot of ways, she didn't get it. She didn't understand how that twinkle could be there when this woman wasn't technically who her cousin was supposed to be with, but when she placed that directly beside how she felt about Will, it made a whole lot more sense. It was true that she wasn't in love with Will, never had been and never would be - but there was a place in her heart solely for him that no other man, or person, would ever occupy. Perhaps Bella was James' Will. Perhaps she was his angel.

And that's where JJ had truly counted her blessings.. In the very moment that she realised that she didn't just have one angel, but several. In the form of Garcia and Henry and Will; even the team who she had shut out through all of this, and Emily who was thousands of miles away for reasons that she still wasn't certain of, were her angels. And then were the newcomers.. the ones that she had never and likely _would_ never have considered as her angels had today not taken place; James and her father, and Mrs Hargrove. The dark haired woman sat opposite her and the perfect bundle of joy currently smooshing a hot dog into her mouth with no care for the table manners that grown-ups for some reason had engrained into them - it sure did look a lot more fun to eat the way that the small girl was right now, and in a world were 'fun' often remained as a back burner in the face of almost everything else, she couldn't help but smile; smile, and make some goofy face at the small child that rewarded her with the most adorable sound that she had ever heard. A child's laughter.. it was somewhat cheesy, but was there anything more beautiful in this world? Perhaps it depended on the way you looked at that world, and she was done looking at it through the blinders that had lead her through the majority of her life until this point.

"So, are you guys heading back tonight or do you need a place to stay?" Bella asked as she wiped ketchup from her daughter's mouth and smiled at the young girl's attempts to shield her face from such scrutiny.

"We have to head back tonight. Soon, probably." JJ spoke as she too giggled at the girl's flailing attempts to get away before meeting Bella's gaze. "We have to be in the office at 8:30 sharp tomorrow."

"What?" The dark haired woman raised an eyebrow, a small smirk pulling at the left side of her lips. "You don't get a day off when your mothers decide to be ridiculous?"

"Belle.." James warned softly.

"Don't _Belle_ me." The young woman winked and leant back in her chair to face JJ when her daughter ran off to the sandpit in the centre of the yard. "She _is_ being ridiculous, and I'm fairly certain that JJ can attest to that. Sometimes I just don't understand that woman. She needs to get laid or something."

"Amen to that." Garcia piped up and mindlessly held out her drink which Bella immediately clunked her own drink against.

JJ couldn't help but laugh; this train wreck of a day really seeming somewhat – _far_ – greener on the other side. "Oh, I don't know.." She began, falling easily into the banter as mock seriousness washed over her once again vibrant face. "I heard that's a sin."

"Oh honey.." Bella grinned a wicked grin. "It is. And it's the best damn sin there is."

"I. love. her." Garcia squealed, pointing her thumb in the direction of the younger woman.

"The way I see it, Jen.." Bella leant forward to rest her elbows on her knees. "People like to take religion out of context. Any religion. It's sad really, but that's how it is. Somewhere along the way, it stops being their belief and becomes an excuse to condemn through their own elitist mentality, and unfortunately, your mother falls into that category. I'm sorry if I'm being out of line-"

"Oh, no." JJ shook her head, her hand going out in a gesture intended to stop the brunette's concern before it even began. "You're not. You're probably right, I've just never seen her so.. unreasonable." That wasn't technically true; she had seen it twice before - once when James had come out, and that other time when she had tried to broach the topic of her confusing feelings towards a girl in her Sunday school classes. And by the time she realised that, her eyes had already drifted to James with some kind of sad glimmer in them that Bella apparently picked up on.

"Hey, Penny. Why don't we give these guys a minute? I'm sure they have a ton to catch up." Bella pushed herself up from her seat. "I'll show you James' nerd cave if you're up for it."

"Hell yes, I am." Garcia jumped up like a child on Christmas morning.

"Just don't touch anything!" James laughed.

"Should I take Amy, or is she good here with you?"

"She's fine." The mousy-haired guy smiled, kissing his wife on the cheek before she walked away.

For a moment, both James and JJ simply watched the three year old, currently oblivious and playing happily in her sandpit. It wasn't spoken out loud, but both of them missed that part of her their life; when nothing mattered other than play time. But for both of them, play time was long gone. They had responsibilities now, some that just shouldn't have been there's to burden but they'd take them anyway. They'd take them because though it was exhausting, the rewards were sometimes far more than worth it.

"Are you happy.." JJ questioned softly; certain that she knew the answer, but she was more curious as to how that could be so when he was technically living a lie.

Pursing his lips in a half smile, half frown, James spoke; still facing his daughter. "I'm not sure there is a definitive answer to that question, JJ. I could ask the same of you, and I'm sure you wouldn't know how to respond."

"You're probably right." JJ agreed, her mind jumping immediately to several different aspects of her life that should dictate that she shouldn't be happy, but she also couldn't say that she wasn't.

Turning to face his cousin, James spoke again. "It doesn't matter now. I relinquished certain parts of that happiness when I allowed such a huge portion of someone else's happiness to rest on me. When I allowed someone I wasn't romantically attracted to to fall in love with me, to give me her heart, and when I brought a child into this world. It's my responsibility now to keep the silent promises that I made to them, to take care of those hearts that I've been given and make sure they never experience the pain that I went through."

"But what about _your_ heart, James?" JJ asked sadly.

"My heart? Well, my heart is in that little girl. My heart is in the promise that I will never allow her to grow up afraid to be who she is, and Bella is wonderful in that regard too. I know if she knew about me, she'd want me to be who I am, but I can't do that to her because she is my best friend and I would never do anything in this world to hurt her." He spoke honestly, his eyes somewhere between sad and purposeful; like he'd found the consolation to ensure that he felt complete when so much of him was missing. "I will bring my little girl up with the knowledge that she has the freedom to be herself, the knowledge and safety to know that we would never condemn her if she brought another girl home when she's old enough to start dating. That's my purpose now, and it's one that I will see through to fruition because I'm the reason that I'm in this position. I wouldn't change it for the world if I'm honest, but I'm not going to cast blame on other people for the fact that I'm denying certain parts of myself because I know that if I'd been strong enough, I could have changed it. I just.. now that I am strong enough, I'm not sure that I want to."

JJ contemplated his words; his words that evoked something enlightening within her that spread from the dark crevices of her mind and illuminated every inch of her being. It didn't matter what her mother thought. It was a sad notion, and one that she wished wasn't so complex, but it was true. At the end of the day, this was her life, and it was her responsibility to live it how she felt that she should - not how others dictated just so that she could blame them when she found herself miserable and making mistakes that she was certain she never would. "I think Pen is concerned that I'm going to allow this to send me back in what is apparently the wrong direction and undo the progress I've made.."

"She's right to be concerned. I imagine you're concerned too." James nodded, leaning forward and lowering his voice. "I'm not questioning your strength, because you have it in abundance of me, but I know what it's like to be in your position. Don't turn back now. You have come so far and I am _proud_ of you, JJ. Don't make my mistakes, don't be weak. Embrace who you are and be proud of yourself. Fall in love, fall in love with being love, fall in love with yourself, and allow yourself _be_ in love.. Allow yourself to be in love with her instead of projecting the hatred and conflict you have been forced to feel into your relationship."

"Her?" JJ cocked her head to the side, wondering briefly if he had made the same assumption about her and Garcia that everyone else had seemed to.

"I know there's someone.. there was someone for me too." He swallowed softly, his eyes drifting down as he digested a place that he clearly hadn't ventured to in a long time. "I just.. I just wasn't as brave as you and now he's living in LA with a guy who treats him better than I ever could and I haven't spoken to him in four years. I'll probably never speak to him again. Don't let that happen to you, JJ. Whoever she is, don't let it be four years before you speak to her again. Don't live a life time of regret."

"I thought you didn't regret it?"

"I don't. I don't regret Amy, and I don't regret Bella." He clarified. "Those two are my world as it exists today and I would fight to the death for them – even if that means fighting what I know _should_ be my world. Even if that means pretending that pieces of my heart aren't thousands of miles away."

Tear glossed JJ's eyes; both for this beautiful for man and for the realisation that however profound and logical his words were, they truly didn't matter. "It.. It's too late. I already allowed it to get to that point. Those pieces of my heart are _already_ thousands of miles away."

James' brow furrowed and he leant back in his chair. "Tell me about her."

"Uh, she used to be a collea-"

"No." James interjected with a shake of his head. "_Tell_ me about her. About her, not what she does, not what her name is, not about her family. About _her_, and what made her so unique that you even considered jumping into this fire when you had a perfectly warm spot at a safe distance from the flames."

"I.." JJ shook her head and looked away; mindlessly rocking her drink back and forth as she hung her arm loosely over the chair's arm rest. But as her eyes wondered, they came to the sight of the little three year old still playing in her sandpit _without_ a care in the world and suddenly the answers came to her. "She's brave. She's so brave that you just.. You can't help but be brave too in her presence. She's fierce, and she's loyal, and she has all these walls but I know that if I'd allowed her to, she would have broken down every single one of them if it only meant that I'd do the same. And even when I couldn't, when I _didn't_, she still gave me pieces of herself. Like.. Like little reminders. Little reminders that she was there, and she was strong enough for both of us, and that.." Her eyes glossed with threatening tears as she tried to swallow down the lump in her throat. "And that she loved me. And I do think _loved_ is the correct word because.. Well, because I broke my promise. I didn't keep up my side of the bargain. I became something that she didn't love, I stopped being the woman she fell in love with and now she's gone. She left, and those pieces.. those pieces of her that got me through, that I took but never returned with my own, well.. they're not mine to hold anymore."

"She'll be back." James shrugged like it was the most obvious and definite thing in the world.

"Hahh.." JJ swiped the tears at her eyes and shook them away, feeling wholly ridiculous for how much emotion she seemed to be constantly displaying recently. "You don't know that. You can't possibly know that."

"Sure I can." He took a sip of his drink and clarified. "You said she's brave, brave enough to give herself to you when she's receiving nothing in return. Which tells me there is more to why she left than not loving you anymore.. I don't think it was anything to do with you not giving her everything you had promised. Perhaps it's because she _does_ love you that she had to leave. Perhaps she has her own pieces that she's afraid to give you, just like you're afraid to give this piece of yourself to her, and perhaps she needs time to accept that. To come to terms with it. Giving yourself entirely to another person in the face of every one of your fears is the most difficult thing you could ever do. What's that quote?" He leant back in his chair and looked up as if searching his mind. "_For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks. The work for which all other work is but preparation. _Perhaps I'm paraphrasing, but it's something like that. But my point is that no matter what the fairytales tell you, we don't just find ourselves in that open, unrestrained place right away, Jay. No one does, regardless of the other.. _aspects_, surrounding your current situation. Everyone has those, they just come in different forms for each person. But trust me.. She will be back. And when she is, you need to make sure that you're ready, because right now you're not. You need to be able to love yourself before you can allow yourself to love her."

"What if you're wrong?"

"I'm not wrong. I'm never wrong." He winked before turning serious again. "There's something different about gay relationships, Jayje. It's like.. it's like it's on this whole other level because there's already a shared understanding between you of judgement and condemnation for something that isn't your choosing. It's like sharing something secret and special that no one else understands. But even without that.. Even if she was a guy, you only have to look at you to know that she herself is special in her own right, and that she makes you feel special too. Important, worthy. I can't say anything for sure Jen, since I don't know her, but I'd venture to guess that I'm right. That there's a whole world of other things that she needs to dredge up - just like you do - before she can put them back together and hand the finished puzzle over to you. But she will, and when she does, you'll be ready to return it with your own."

She opened her mouth to protest, to criticise and pick holes in his rationale, but she just.. couldn't. There were no weak points, no flaws or contradictions for her to latch onto - just clarity. It was the clarity that she had held in brief waves and pieces over the past several months, but with a few helping words from someone she hadn't seen in years, she had, not the completed puzzle, but the final picture from which she needed to build from.

She had an encouraging starting point. It was in the middle of the road, off to the side of where she had thought she _should_ be heading, but it was a starting point nonetheless, and one that she couldn't wait to venture down..


	20. Chapter 20

**Author's Note: **I think one of my last author's notes was an understatement; apparently I really, really, _really_ missed writing Emily Prentiss. Have I ever mentioned how much I love writing her character? :) enjoy guys!

**PS.** I've become pretty terrible with replying to reviews recently, and I intend to fix that starting from now. But I wanted to say thank you. I've said it so many times, but every one truly is appreciated.

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><p><strong>Chapter Twenty: <strong>_**Wrecking Ball**_

Standing outside of the grand, overpowering building that Monday morning, Emily studied the way that her miniscule, apparently insignificant form reflected across the shiny, rippled contortion of blue and grey. She honestly felt powerless in the presence of this familiar structure; already consumed by the past and destined to become lost to the future. Of course, it wasn't the first time that she had stood at these doors, having spent a brief portion of time here preceding her days with Ian Doyle, but she was certain that it would be the last. Whether that meant that she'd find closure, leave and never return, or that this would be how she lived out her final days, she didn't know; but she did know that this would be the last time.

"You heading in?" A young guy questioned behind her, his hand gestured out towards the door when she turned.

"Oh, yeah, sorry." She muttered distractedly, stepping through the glass doors that he had kindly held open for her and finding herself immediately suffocated by the vast space that flooded out around her.

She fought the urge to clutch a hand to her chest, willing her breathing to just stay steady until she returned home that evening and could enact one of her many strange routines that always seemed to fix it, or at least bring the unknown to a bearable level. It was like every one of the boxes in her mind had begun to shake and rattle the very second that she had walked through that door; threatened to spill over with every step that she took and didn't stop until she was through security and in the seclusion that the elevator provided. Her hand immediately went to her blazer, unbuttoning it fully and doing the same with the very top button on her shirt too. She splayed one hand against her chest, then moved it to cover the anxious, debilitating twist in her gut whilst the other braced probably tighter than necessary at the metal railing trimming the small box; watched the numbers above the doors tick by like a countdown to her complete unravelling. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10..

_Ding._

And when the door slid gracefully open, she was like a whole other person; guarded in ways that put her typically closed nature to shame, and open in others that painted her as someone other than whom she had been for the past seven years of her existence. They wouldn't recognise her now, her friends, her family; _they_ wouldn't recognise her, but as she noticed Clyde walking towards her with a familiarly comforting smile, she realised that _these_ people would.

"Emily Prentiss." He greeted, welcomed nostalgia flicking across his prematurely aged face as he stopped in front of her. "I never thought this day would come."

"Neither did I." She replied - as much serious as it was a joke. Truthfully, she never did imagine that this day would come again; the day when she'd throw herself back under the bus that she had only mildly escaped from, but it wasn't that that she found strange.. It was the fact that she felt safer beneath the wheels of this bus than she had ever felt wrapped in the blanket of safety that her DC life had oddly always offered her.

"Well.." Clyde held out his hand. "Shall we?"

Emily smiled and walked alongside her friend, colleague.. whatever he had ever been and was to her now, as he gave her the tour of what would be such an integral part of her life once again.

"It's a little different from what you may remember. It's undergone some big changes in the last year or two." He informed her as they approached an area that painfully resembled the bullpen back in Quantico. "These are our guys. The best in their field. Of course, we'll be overseeing the whole unit, but when we have a specific case, these are the people you'll need."

Several polite nods and a varied array of greetings came from the seven or eight people sat in bullpen V2.0. Though, V2.0 seemed somewhat over-exaggerated. This wasn't a better version, and call her bias, but she didn't imagine the agents were a better version of what she had known either. Still, she responded politely – if only so that they could move onto the next part of the tour and get it over with so that she could focus on.. something, anything. Anything to stop her from focussing on everything that she shouldn't be and return some semblance of order to what had, she realised in that moment, been chaotic for far longer than just the past day or two. "It's wonderful to meet you all."

Next was a small yet very modern room that was apparently where she would make her copious amounts of coffee and store her lunch that she never bothered with anyway. She'd forgotten what lunch was a long time ago - not because she purposely steered away from eating, but just because such a mundane act seemed to always wind up forgotten in their line of work. As long as she had coffee, she didn't need much else.

They visited the office of every team member bellow them, where she exchanged greetings that seemed rehearsed and cliché but were apparently enough to keep her from seeming ignorant or arrogant; then the usual safety routes and exits that were typical procedure but both her and Clyde had rolled their eyes at; even the damn restrooms just so that she knew where they were. It honestly seemed like he was stalling. Well, perhaps not him – perhaps it was down to the anxious feeling in the pit of her stomach that was restricting her breathing, but it definitely felt like stalling. They visited almost every room in that place and it took so long that she had genuinely forgotten the part that was missing; genuinely believed that when Clyde said 'last stop' that that would constitute her office and represent the end of this somewhat pointless tour, and too, the point where she could do what she really should have tried harder to do yesterday – organise. Not her apartment, but the one inside her mind that looked more like a frat house than an elegant home of a wealthy forty-odd year old woman. When had that happened? When had the tables suddenly flipped and left something that had once been so meticulous and precise in such disarray? When had everything stopped making any semblance of sense?

Perhaps JJ was the reason. Perhaps entering the lion's den that she represented had been her downfall. But that didn't fit, it didn't _feel_ like the reason, it didn't-

"Emily, this is Katherine Chandler. She's new to our team as well, so you guys have something in common."

She looked up instantly, the busy cogs in her mind placing no familiarity into the name as she prepared herself to give the same distracted, contrite acknowledgement that she had offered the rest of her new colleagues; but when her vacant eyes met those orbs of all-knowing, all-seeing emerald green and the familiar smile tugging at soft pink lips, the floating anxiety in her stomach suddenly imploded and exploded without prior warning. Her stomach contracted painfully, the winding sensation radiating from her mid-abdomen to her chest as her skin rushed with a hurried flood of heat that made her want to vomit - and just as quick as it happened, it was gone again; eased back to the niggle that, in the wake of what had been considerably worse, felt somehow more manageable.

_That's not all we have in common.._ Emily's mind mused without permission as her physical form desperately tried to save face; offered out a hand and smiled politely. But as her fingers glided over ones once again soft and familiar, that contortion in her stomach – though, much milder than before – returned briefly and brought with it an answer that the coherent part of her hadn't even remembered that she had been searching for: _this_ was the reason. _She_ was the reason. What she _represented_ was the reason.

Reason, reason, reason; problem, problem, problem - and she needed _out_ of that room.

"Well, it was a pleasure to meet you, Kate- Uh, Katherine." Emily nodded politely before looking briefly to Clyde; for reasons unknown, hoping that he hadn't recognised the nuance in her words - grateful for her engrained ability to control her outward appearance when it provided her with the certainty in that moment that she at least hadn't given anything away there. "But I do believe I have a new office that I cannot wait to see."

Clyde laughed softly – mostly for Katherine's benefit – but once they were beyond the closed door, he couldn't help but ask. "Do you two know each other?"

Emily pursed her lips in what amounted to a casual shrug and shook her head. "Should I?"

He studied his friend for a moment before shaking his head and turning for what would be Emily's new office; the brunette stepping immediately in line with him. "You're a terrible liar, Emily Prentiss."

She simply smiled at what she imagined was an assumption that her and Katherine more than "knew" each other; her eyes flicking to him briefly and then down to the ground as they walked. If lying was the only thing that she was terrible at, she was pretty okay with that – it was a quality disguised as a downfall that she actually prided herself. Of course, in truth, even allowing him to _think_ such a thing was a lie, much like the lie that her whole existence was built upon – but it would be a long time from this point before she'd realise that. Before she'd see that the ever-truthful, always-honest Emily Prentiss was actually anything but; so much so that she wouldn't even recognise herself anymore.

"Well this is you, dear." The middle-aged man interrupted the comfortable silence as they came to a stop outside of a nondescript brown, wooden door that's only distinguishing feature in the face of its modern surroundings was the fancy font used on the strip of metal that held Emily's name somewhere at the centre of it. "I'll leave you two to get.. _acquainted_ and settle in. Come find me when you're ready and we'll go over current case details and suchlike."

Emily nodded as she watched him go and turned back to the door in front of her; sighing when she finally pushed it open and stepped beyond the threshold. It was shocking, to say the least. She had expected a badly made metal-wooden desk and chair on grey carpet, and perhaps a 'welcome' cactus at the very most, but this.. For a moment, she actually forgot; for a moment, as her eyes surveyed what seemed wasted on a work space, she found herself paying no mind to the twisting in the pit of her stomach that had not let her go since Saturday night, and she almost squealed with excitement. Yes, the graceful, professional, still arguably level-headed and proper Emily Prentiss.. almost squealed.

She could be forgiven though as, wrapped around two whole sides of the deceptively large room, were windows; windows that spanned from the ceiling to the floor, windows that barely even looked like they had a trim keeping them in place - like there was nothing there at all and that if she just stepped forward a little too far, she'd find herself free-falling into the streets below. And the view.. It was like.. Well, it was like sitting on a damn cloud, watching the world trundle by whilst sipping on the vast array of liquor that she noticed to be in a free-standing cabinet to her left. And perhaps while she was sitting and watching from her throne, with two tall flags behind her like she was the damn President or something, she could put her feet up on the giant, solid mahogany desk in the centre of the room that looked almost like it belonged in the chambers of a judge, or the office of some highly sought-after lawyer, or maybe even a politician..

That last thought brought her back down to Earth. She wasn't a politician, she despised politicians – but she sure as hell was going to enjoy the room that she was already certain would become her new breathing space, her escape, her freeing solitude in the centre of hell that would hold her secrets and welcome any new ones that she had created since she last found herself in this building. It would be her _place_.

And for the majority of the rest of that day, it was - the pile of paperwork waiting for her on her desk that needed to be filled out before she could actually _begin_ this job ensuring that she had reason, or excuse, to stay put. It was only when that paperwork was complete and she crept out of her possibly over-extravagant office to head to Clyde's, that she even considered or remembered why she had needed the excuse in the first place – and that reminder came in the form of distinct heels clicking down the hall behind her; the sound that immediately placed her at an airport baggage claim as she watched the back of a brunette woman disappear from sight, and then brought her back to the present with a sudden unsettling feeling that she couldn't place and caught her off guard just enough for her to purposely blank the friendly smile offered to her.

She'd seen it, the subtle frown on Kate's face and what she would never be bold enough to define as hurt in those deep green eyes as she had shunned her like she was a total stranger – but she _was_ a stranger. She had to be.. because the alternative was one that left Emily free-falling into utter panic. It was almost like falling in love with someone that you know is bad for you, but it wasn't that.. It wasn't _love_, it wasn't even really toxic or dangerous in the conventional sense; it just.. wasn't that at all. This feeling was new, and terrifying, and something that had been compounded further, she now realised, with every moment that had passed since she had found out Kate's destination forty-eight hours ago. Since the younger woman's destination had become the same as her own. But this was _her_ expedition, _her_ exploration; she didn't need a companion, and apparently she sure as hell was going to make sure that Kate knew that.

Except, it wasn't bold solitude and bravery that she felt when Kate simply shrugged and walked away; or later that night when she had filled her time with as many distractions as she possibly could and found herself sitting at her sofa watching a show that she really wasn't paying attention to, spinning her phone in her hand like she was hoping that it would suddenly flash with a saviour that she didn't even know that she needed; or when she went to bed that night with some kind of twisted anger that really had no place or reason. It was somewhat similar to the stubbornness that courses through the veins of someone who through their own impenetrable defences winds up pushing away someone that, at least deep down, they know that they shouldn't; the mentality of 'well if they don't care, I don't either' that overrides the knowledge that they themselves are the reason for any distance in the first place. Actually, it wasn't _like_ that; it was _exactly_ that.. But that was the part that made absolutely no sense because fifty-three hours ago, this woman hadn't existed, and that had been perfectly fine.

No, she didn't feel strong; she felt empty in ways that she wasn't certain she ever had.

And on the second morning when she bumped into the younger brunette for a second time in the break room – it suddenly dawned on her that such an accidental meeting wasn't accidental at all. Something that was only attested to by the almost-full, steaming mug of coffee that she discreetly dumped out in the sink before refilling it again; making some show about not being able to find the Splenda that she didn't even use anymore, and dragging out every possible second that she could spend in that room with that woman.. only to then offer a mere nonchalant 'thanks' and disappear when the woman apparently responsible for such a childish act handed her the sweet sugar-substitute with a once again friendly smile.

It was ridiculous – both the ludicrous display itself, and the irrational emotion that coursed through her veins when the other woman didn't seem remotely bothered by it - and she scolded herself the whole way back to her office where she paid only a moment's deliberation to what had just unfolded and her possible reasoning behind it, before throwing herself into her work. That, she could do; that, she could figure out; that, she could understand without spinning herself in illogical circles.

So for the rest of that week, that is what she did. Worked, and worked, and worked - the chance meetings between that work happening more frequently than she would ever admit, but by the time that it got to the point where Kate didn't even remotely rise to the subconsciously but purposely dangled bate anymore, the void in her stomach was so vast and gaping that it was no longer avoidable; and the door closed behind her that Thursday night with a barely-there click that reflected the inexplicable defeat radiating off of every inch of her.

There were several questions now at the very forefront of her mind as she lounged on her sofa and once again paid no mind to the show playing on her TV screen; each more prevalent than the last, and every one of them combining to bring a realisation to her mind – whilst she'd been waging a war against herself over this, at least she hadn't been thinking about JJ, or 'home', or everything else that she was avoiding. Perhaps that was what this was.. a means for further disconnect, the distraction that she probably didn't need but definitely wanted, the diversion tactic used _by_ herself, _against_ herself.

But it seemed that she was trapped in a chain reaction, because that thought, like its predecessor, provoked another: why, if that is all that it was, did she have this strange desire to ask for Kate's opinion on it? Like dominoes, the questions cascaded and surrounded her-

Why did she have this desire to bare all to her in ways that she had never wanted to bare all to anyone? Why did she feel like the compartments that she had kept in order to breathe over the years were now suffocating her? Why had that antsy hum in her stomach that had unknowingly begun from the very moment that Kate had offered out her hand several days ago, manifested to heights that it had never reached in the past?

-and at the very end of that chain of dominoes, laid one answer; staring up at her with a taunting glow that both angered her and flooded her with relief.

Did she _miss_ her?

She did. She missed her; something that unnerved Emily Prentiss, something that she would never and had never admitted about another person a day in her life - even to herself. Even from just the eight hours that they had spent together, she missed talking to this woman, missed picking her brain, missed the ease that their conversations had flowed with. Yes, she missed her, and she felt guilty; inexplicably guilty for the cold shoulder that she given a woman that she _barely_ even knew. But how the hell was either emotion possible when A, she really was a stranger to her, and B, that damn woman was the wrecking ball strong enough to not only send a threatening earthquake shuddering through the walls that she had meticulously built over the years, but to smash through them entirely until they were nothing more than a pile of rubble emanating the dust-smoke of everything that she held close? How could she possibly miss playing with that fire?

Was it because she needed the warmth, or because she needed the burn? And regardless of which she needed.. What, indeed, would such a careless act result in?

Of course, finding all of the right questions and the answer that fit every single one of them made absolutely no difference, picked her up and placed exactly where she had started; because to find the answers that were still missing, she'd need courage, and that was something that Emily Prentiss was distinctly lacking these days –

"Are you playing me?"

- and it didn't even return the following morning when that painfully enlightening question stopped her dead in her tracks in her latest ridiculous, attention-vying, somewhat deceitful game; the game that this time took the form of her just _needing_ to stop by Kate's office to "drop off the files on two of their newest recruits" and was sealed with a blank, disinterested stare as she headed for the door after handing those files over. Well, until those entirely unexpected words had left her frozen in time.

Frantically rushing to place reinforced steel barriers across every inch of her mind, her almost-awkwardly still body turned slowly to face the green eyes that she knew were currently boring into her back; but it wasn't quizzical jade that she found when she turned, it was almost smug and yet soothing certainty that accompanied words that beat her to any lie that she could have formulated.

"You are! That's what all your blank stares were about." Kate laughed with a shake of her head; her kohl-rimmed eyelids narrowing subtly around curious green. "The real question is _why_. Why would you be playing me, Emily Prentiss? I don't think it's because you're attracted to me.. I'm pretty good at vetting that. Though, you're not quite like other people so I could be wrong." She paused for a moment, searching the dark eyes of the older woman for some indication that that could be it, continuing to option two when she found nothing. "Didn't think so.. So perhaps it's because you despise shrinks and can't admit that you need one. No?" Leaning back in her chair, Kate tapped her pen against her tan hand and chewed the left corner of her mouth whilst she looked upon Emily as though she was some kind of complex equation – except where her intelligent brain would typically find the answers at least partially, she found nothing and it both unnerved and fascinated her. Shaking her head with a smile, she spoke again. "I feel like this is where people would typically say something along the lines of _it's good that you're cute._ Ya know, in consolation for the fact that you're so infuriating. So I'll give you the Katherine Chandler version.. It's good that you're such an inexplicably fascinating anomaly."

"Uh.. thanks?" Emily croaked out; her words impaired both from the amount of time that she had simply been stood like a deer in headlights, and from the word used - 'anomaly'. She wasn't an anomaly, she wasn't anything.. She was just Emily Prentiss, and Emily Prentiss wanted out of this room, this moment, this whole damn day that had barely even started yet. She wanted to go back to deliberating whether she _should_ play with this fire, at a safe distance from the moment where she was actually _in_ it.

"Thanks is correct." Kate gave a solid nod and leant forward in her chair again. "I'm an intelligent woman, Emily. I didn't get here by chance. Well.. I guess you could say that I got _here_ by chance, but that's another story. But I've seen a lot and I know a lot and yet you.. well you're just something else entirely." And then she finally found that glimmer, that nuance that she had been searching for with her aforementioned possibilities that made its presence known in the very subtle lowering of dark eyes. She found it, but kept it to herself for the time being - if this was a game, she'd better play along. "Anyway, I guess I'll see you around."

Once again, Emily found herself caught off guard. Uncomfortably, nerve-rackingly, caught off the guard that she relied on so heavily each and every day, and with an incredulous laugh that was nothing but barely-audible air passing her lips, she shook her head, threw up her hands and left the room. She didn't realise it, but that moment had been what she had been pushing for this past week and a half, and she'd wasted it. Why couldn't she have just seen it as an olive branch and grabbed onto it with both hands?

Oh that was it.. Courage wasn't Emily's friend these days – cowardice was. Actually, no. No one was Emily's friend these days, because even though she had someone who could be a friend to her in this painfully familiar but entirely new world, she was doing what she always did.. Running. Running like she had run from JJ, running like she had run from her past, running like she had been since she was able to even _walk_.

Perhaps the difference now was that she was exhausted, too drained to run anymore. But she had reached that point in the past, so perhaps the real difference was the fact that the moment that she had collapsed at the mercy of that fatigue this time had perfectly, too perfectly, coincided with the very moment that Kate Chandler rode in on her noble steed; with no promises to save the day, but an implication in her alluring smile that inferred that she may just saver her future.

That she may be exactly what she needed to find her way out of this prison of her own creation – exactly what she needed to _breathe_ again.

Which you'd think would have been the point where Emily Prentiss was able to find her courage, the bravery needed to open the door to Kate that she so easily had on that plane less than a week ago – but it wasn't. No, she found that courage later that night in a bar in the heart of London, in a low-ball glass on a worn, scuffed table, in the amber liquid that she had stared into many times in the past. Except, when she stared into it now, she didn't see warped logic and inconstant certainties; she saw bright green eyes that had held answers that this drink never had. And with a quick wave to the bartender, Emily ordered the olive branch that really shouldn't have had reason to be offered in the first place.

"I'm going to assume with the six of these that you drank on the plane that whiskey is your preference." She spoke with a soft smile as she placed the glass down in front of Kate and took up a seat beside her to join the younger woman's gaze in watching the rest of her colleagues dance in ways that truly did not paint them as the intelligent people that they actually were.

"I'm actually more of a wine kinda gal." Kate replied, her eyes still fixed on the display twenty feet away from her on the dance floor. "But who turns down a free drink? Or seven.."

This quick smile that Kate shot her way told her that her olive branch had been accepted and that she was redeemed. Well, perhaps not redeemed, because even _she_ couldn't rationalise how ridiculous she had been acting these past several day, but she couldn't help but feel that by the end of this – whenever that may be – she'd have an answer to that as well as every single one that had been forming a somewhat disorderly line in her mind for the past.. well, for a very long time.

"You knew him before you came here, right?" Kate, glass in hand, pointed a perfectly-manicured, black-painted finger towards Clyde; and when Emily nodded, her face turned serious with a mocking whisper. "Did he always have moves like that?"

Emily suppressed a laugh; her lips pursing slightly before helplessly transforming into a breathy chuckle as she looked down at the glass held between her palms, up to Clyde and then back to Kate. "I'm honestly not sure I've ever seen him in this setting. So.. _free_." Tossing back some of her drink, she added. "Anyway, _you_, should not make fun of your boss."

"In case you've forgotten, I'm not very good at doing what I _should_ do." The younger brunette sipped some of the amber spirit in her glass and then tipped it back and forth in front of her; her contemplative green eyes studying it like Emily herself had many times before.

Emily's brow furrowed – not because she didn't know what the younger woman was referring to, but because she did. She did, and she didn't know how to pull her back from that memory lane that she was wandering down – the memory lane that was very, very similar to her own – but just that she probably should. "Would you like another?"

"Nope." Kate looked to Emily. "I'd like to tell me what you would have said then if you hadn't over-thought it so much."

"I.." Emily's brow furrowed intensely with fake confusion. "Don't know what you mean."

"Yes, you do. I thought you were done playing games. Isn't that what this is?" She lifted the drink in her hand and shook it in indication.

With a heavy sigh, Emily looked down, pulled her top lip between her teeth and shook her head. "I guess I would have told you that torturing yourself with the past won't make you miss her any less."

Intrigued, Kate raised an eyebrow. "Is that advice that you live by, or advice that you're perfectly capable of giving but very _in_capable of following?"

Emily laughed a breathy, humourless laugh, shook her head yet again and looked away uncomfortably – beyond surprised by the solid response that left her own lips. "I'm fantastic at torturing myself."

For several seconds Kate just stared at Emily's profile – something that the older woman would have seen the conflict in had she looked – but when she did turn her head, the younger woman just smiled and replied simply. "Me too."

Emily found herself lost in that smile for a little longer than necessary. It was like bridges were forming between them, ones that would lead her to places that she hadn't even considered may exist in the past. It seemed somewhat similar to reading a book that wholly described her in ways that was almost surreal – except Kate wasn't a book. No, she wasn't, and that's what terrified her. With a book, she'd be able to close the pages when she was done, whether prematurely or not; toss it on a shelf to yellow at the edges and only think of it when it was unavoidably relevant. But Kate was a person, an actual living creature - and not only would she not be able to toss her out like nothing, used and no longer necessary, when this was over, that would also be compounded by the fact that living creatures played games; they told lies, they created false certainties, constructed manipulative traps and laughed in the face of your pain as you fell victim to them.

Yes, that was dramatic, but it was all Emily had known in the past when she had handed herself out like a free taster at the mall. Her history was littered with those moments of stupidity; blind trust that had always wound up doused with pain and idiocy when the truth came pouring out to drown her. And she had learnt a long time ago that living as a constant shell of herself was far preferable to that one moment where everything you think you know implodes before your very eyes as you watch on powerless to even conduct so much as damage control. Even the six people who had quickly become her family back in DC didn't bring that certainty into question – but the reason that they didn't was because she hadn't allowed them to. She'd kept them at arm's length in so many ways; thus convincing her, at least for a short time, that the reason that she had allowed herself to hold them so dearly was because they didn't always _know_ that she did. It was because she very rarely told them what they meant to her that they hadn't, or had very rarely, hurt her – right?

_Jesus.._ Emily rolled her eyes as she broke their contact with Kate's and finished the rest of her drink. _I thought alcohol was at least supposed to slow the over-thinking process?_

Noticing the vacant look in Emily's eyes, Kate pushed herself out from the table and took the brunette's now empty glass. "I take it back. Perhaps we do need another."

With nothing to do with her hands as the younger woman unknowingly removed her only physical semi-distraction - or defence, as it probably was - Emily felt somewhat lost, uncomfortable, and suddenly her nails became very interesting. She unconsciously pushed her almost non-existent cuticles down as she waited for the other woman to return; that return snapping her from her habit abruptly and causing her to shove her hands to her lap beneath the table in some kind of frustration. Frustration with herself of course, but it caused Kate to question it nonetheless.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah." Emily answered with a heavy breath.

"Mine's my phone." Kate offered, cocking her head to the side briefly as she cradled her drink in her hands.

"Huh?"

"My habit.." She looked to Emily. "That need to constantly be doing something with your hands when you feel out of your depths. Or when your mind is taking you to places that you don't want to go. Or when it's simply not your own. Just so that you have at least some semblance of control in situations where you can't accept that you really don't have any."

The words caused the knot in her stomach that had actually remained fairly placid for the evening so far to tighten suddenly – but at the same time it caused her mind to relax. Not her body; no, that was still as stiff as a board as she clenched her fists beneath the table. But her mind was almost floating, like in just saying those several choice words, Kate had taken some of the burden. Of course, as soon as she realised that and the fact that she was over-thinking yet again and losing herself to everything that she tried to pretend she wasn't every damn day – complete and utter, disorganised chaos - she pushed herself out from the table abruptly with a stuttering excuse. "I should go. It's getting late."

"It's Saturday tomorrow. Isn't that the reason Clyde chose tonight for the team night out?"

Emily sighed, knowing very well that she had been caught out – and she would have questioned the younger woman's intelligence anyway if she hadn't been. "Look, I don't know what you want from me. You keep pushing all these buttons like I'm some kind of toy that you expect a preconceived response from, but I don't have one for you."

"I'm not pushing any buttons, Emily. At least, not purposely so." Kate spoke honestly. "And I certainly don't _want_ or expect anything from you. If you want to leave, then leave. If you never want to talk to me again, then that's fine too. As I told you in my office, you interest me. I enjoyed our conversation on the plane and I think I could learn from you, but I certainly don't want you to feel uncomfortable or some kind of obligation to continue it. And if you'd prefer that I no longer offer my opinion on the cases that you and Clyde are working on then just say so. I'm really not here to make your life harder, Emily."

Emily couldn't work out what she felt about those words, that on the face of it were mildly comforting. They certainly were the _right_ words – even to the point of seeming somewhat rehearsed – but she did not know what to make of them. "I would never discourage anyone on the team from offering their input towards any case we're working on." She was kind of stuck in this limbo place that she wanted to both remain in and flee, and she couldn't honestly say that she had been surprised when those words left her lips – those words that somewhat dehumanised this person before her, placed miles between them and confirmed to her just why it was that she had not been able to figure out how she felt about Kate's explanation.

It was one mildly disguised detail that told her almost unequivocally that Kate was not the person that she should allow to tear down her walls. There was only one thing worse than offering yourself to someone, in any capacity, only to find out at a later date that they had used you – and that was doing that whilst knowing from almost the very get-go that that's what they had planned to do. Truth.. it was a dangerous thing to play with, and she wasn't about to make herself some lab rat for this woman to 'learn from' – especially when she didn't even know how to learn from herself these days.

Of course, when she got no response from Kate that constituted of more than a gentle nod and eyes that she couldn't read, she had downed the rest of her drink, grabbed her purse and left that bar-

"See you Monday, Kate."

-once again running where she couldn't honestly say that it wasn't the right thing to do. Perhaps it _was_ the right thing, but that didn't ease the disappointment in her chest. Had she really wanted to jump into the fire? Apparently so, but it suddenly occurred to her on that cab ride home - as she entertained just why that might be; that it _wasn't_ just the warmth that she wanted but the danger too, solely to feel something - that perhaps Kate wasn't the one doing the using here..

Perhaps _she_ was.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter Twenty-One: **_**Experiment**_

She felt somewhat lost for the remainder of that Friday night; something that was only compounded by the fact that Clyde was likely to ask about her abrupt disappearance as soon as she saw him on Monday morning. That though, could wait until Monday morning, because right now she had an apparently far more pressing issue to contend with, and one that she wasn't certain how to rectify – or why she even wanted to.

It still made no sense – not really. But perhaps that was because she didn't want it to. She didn't want to be the type of person who would use someone – something that Morgan had accused her of doing with JJ, and that memory combined with this new mentality served to keep her awake until the very early hours of Saturday morning; and ensured that late that Saturday afternoon when she sat down at her laptop in her study to plow through some of the ever-growing pile of cases that required her attention, she was running on fumes. Her ever-logical – sometimes _too_ logical – brain had finally crossed the line of exhaustion and left her with this mutated version that put even her teenage thought processes to shame.

To say that she wasn't herself was an understatement. Looking back on the week that had past, she realised that so much had happened and yet too that she couldn't really remember any of it. She had lived it, and yet there were pieces of her memory that seemed to be nothing more than questionable dream-like hazes. It almost felt like none of it _had_ happened; that it really had been just a dream. There were conversations that had been had, she was certain; cases that had been closed, copious cups of coffee that had been made and drank, journeys that had been driven and yet she couldn't place any real part of it.

Perhaps she hadn't lived it at all - going through the motions and experiencing were two very different things, and it was beyond fair to say that Emily Prentiss had done nothing _but_ go through the motions for a very long time. That wasn't a secret to her - she knew she had, for as long as she could remember - but this was different. She'd still managed to keep at least some modicum of structure whilst going through those expected motions in the past – genuine pieces of herself; genuine, however fleeting, appreciation for the moment had seeped through those robotic days. But if the current state of her typically precise and immaculate house was anything to go by, the odd disarray of her desk or the way that her hair didn't quite fall as perfectly as it typically did around her constantly graceful form; this definitely _was_ different.

No, she wasn't herself. She wasn't, but she was still clinging to the hope that she was somewhere in there; somewhere behind the drag in her step, hidden beneath the nonchalance towards the little things that she typically enjoyed, buried under the vast array of emotions coursing through her typical silence that she just _allowed_ to do as they pleased. She missed that silence.. the peace that she had both loved and hated for how much it allowed her ever-rushing mind to speed with inconsistent thoughts; it had at least never been like this, and she wanted that thunderous tranquility back. She wanted the dysfunctional and ignorant serenity that seemed a complete non-hope right now but she no longer had the energy to get to that haven.

She wanted, maybe even needed, someone to lower the volume for her or, if they were incapable, take a seat and just share that noise with her.

Lonely: a word that Emily Prentiss despised more than any other. There was absolutely nothing about it that didn't wreck her from the inside out, no matter what form it took. Whether it was the isolation of someone she didn't know, or someone close to her – as close to her as anyone had typically gotten – or even an unsub that showed in his eyes that all he had really ever wanted was for someone else to just understand the disease within him; she _felt_ it like it was her own longing, her own pain, her own.. loneliness.

Is that what this was? She wouldn't admit it, but yes, it was. Just like there was a difference between truly living and simply breathing, there was also a difference between being alone, and being lonely; and where Emily Prentiss had once loved her own company, she now couldn't stomach it or the constantly disjointed and persistently contradictory thoughts that fed on such solitude. Whether it was the six people that she had left back in DC who wanted to know her but honestly didn't really know her at all, or the one woman here who knew her as well as she thought she did but obviously didn't hold any real care to – she would have taken either over how she felt right in that moment, throughout those long days that seemed fruitless, wasted, insignificant and yet totally momentous.

But of course she couldn't have either – would never admit that she _needed_ either. So she sat on her back porch instead, smoked almost an entire pack of cigarettes and tried desperately to force beauty back into Mother Nature where it had once come so easy to her. And when that didn't work, she slept; or tried to, but the exhaustion and the relentless rush of her mind were currently waging a war against each other that she had no choice but to helplessly watch unfold. So she moved on to her old faithful – throwing herself and everything that she had into her work.. but the off switch that that once was was broken.

This prison of her own creation was suffocating her...

…and didn't once let up that whole weekend, easily evaded her typical efforts to ease such exhausting, illogical, empty conflict, and was more than responsible for the robot of herself that showed up for work on Monday morning too.

It was a damn miracle that she was as coherent as she was – and even that wasn't something to boast about. When had she let this happen? When had she let this happen _again_.. She imagined it somewhat similar to a parasite – a parasite that had wormed its way inside her without her knowledge, and now that she had stopped and recognised its presence, the damage had already been done. And honestly, perhaps _she_ was the parasite in her own mind; blind and ignorant, fighting the wrong fight and turning her back on what she truly needed through a false certainty that it was her enemy. Yet the only enemy in those moments, was herself.

She truly had come here to put herself back together again, not fall apart entirely, but as utterly nonchalant green eyes met her across bullpen V2 – the final straw to this spiraling bout of irrationality – the white-knuckled, clenched fists by her side and the fingernails that scratched hard at the inside of her palm as she escaped to her office told her that that is exactly what had happened.

She rested her whole weight – mentally and physically - on her hands as she splayed them against her desk and bowed her head; her shoulders hunched up around her neck as she attempted to steady her breaths like someone recovering from a panic attack, and tried to compose herself from something that really should not have unraveled her as much as it had. And it shouldn't have – why should she care that someone she didn't know was neutral to her existence? But she knew that it wasn't really about that, that this moment was about so much more than that and when a gentle knock at her door broke the silence she barely heard it, barely heard the door open either – certainly not enough to acknowledge it. In fact, it was only when a tan hand rested against one of her own that she even moved.

"This really was meant to be a new life, wasn't it?" Kate questioned with some kind of kindred understanding in her eyes when Emily turned. "Except it wasn't supposed to accompany that other life, or to iron out the creases.. it was supposed to _replace_ it. But it doesn't work like that, Emily. You know that."

"Don't." Emily shook her head with a whispered warning, purposely removing herself from the close proximity of the younger brunette to the safer spot behind the barricade of her desk. And it truly did feel like she needed a barricade; not to prevent herself from physical harm, but from the other kind of harm that was far more debilitating when it was inflicted.

It was like this person was her mirror image – reflected in a mirror that she had long since dared to look into, and that was the issue here.. Getting too close to Kate, meant getting too close to herself and that had never been something that she had been able to do with any semblance of comfort. And yet she couldn't seem to distance herself far enough from the fact that she still _wanted_ to. She wanted to explore, to share, to fuse herself with this other person and create bonds that would stand strong against tests that very few friendships had managed to weather in the past. She wanted this woman to be a part of her life, for reasons that she truly didn't understand - and all that knowledge and want served to do was twist the fear in her gut further because it told her that it was already too late. She already cared.

Caring was never something that Emily Prentiss stepped into easily, and even more rarely than that was it something that she latched onto long enough for the emotions to set. Maybe that is why she had left JJ; maybe that is why all of her friends, her family had never made it closer than arm's length; maybe that is why her relationship with her mother was rocky at best and why she constantly jumped from one place to the next. Though, the latter was a necessary evil; would always be her MO whether she liked it or not. It was so engrained into her that it was like breathing or sleeping; far more engrained than it was to care for someone, which is why it would always win - which is why it had won when it mattered in the past, and why it was winning now.

Kate cocked her head to the side and sighed; took up a seat opposite Emily's desk and spoke, presumptuously, confidently. "You've spent this whole past week searching for validation, Emily." When the clearly distracted brunette looked up from the fingers resting against her temple, she continued. "You felt something in just the short time that we spent together on that plane and you're searching for validation that I did too. But the issue is that you're so convinced that I didn't that you don't even see that you already have that validation."

"What?" Emily shook her head in semi-panic – really, the only thing that could make this spiraling and unreasonably complex situation worse was for this woman to draw the conclusions that she was certain that she had. "I really, truly have no idea what you're talking about. Like.." Her typical eloquence abandoned her as she searched and searched and yet could not find any logical way to erase what she anticipated the younger woman's assumptions to be. "_Really_. Perhaps you're right in some regard, but I'm not.. I mean.. I.." Placing her palms against the table, she leant forward to whisper. "Kate, I'm in love with someone else and that brings with it enough baggage as it is. I really think you've gotten the wrong idea."

Kate laughed. She tried not to, but she did. "Oh, Emily. Calm down. That isn't what I meant." She rested her elbows on either arm of the chair and laced her fingers mid-air. "But it sure got you to admit that that is what you've been doing though, didn't it?"

"That's funny to you?" Emily snapped, not even bothering to deny such a thing because perhaps Kate was right. Perhaps she really had been searching for that validation, if only so that she could entertain the possibility, even for just a second, that maybe it could be different this time. Of course, now that she had it, fleeing was still the only thing on her mind and the instantly combative tone to her voice clearly showed her frustration. "Why do you even care to-"

"Would it help if I told you a little more about myself?"

_Honestly, I think that would make it worse.._ Emily sighed inwardly but gave no verbal response. It _would_ make it worse; the more pieces that she held of this other woman, the more chance of her trusting her and that was just bad all over. Bad, bad, bad. Much more so than it was already; something that was only worsened by the fact that this truly was ridiculous. Why did everything that should be entirely simple have to be so damn complicated with her?

"I duno..." Kate began as she studied Emily's demeanour; the frantically turning cogs in the older woman's mind making their presence known in darkening, conflicted brown eyes. "Perhaps that would just make it worse..."

_Oh, Jesus Christ..._ Emily rolled her eyes and looked to the ceiling; not only was this woman her mirror image, she was reading her thoughts now too. Was nowhere safe anymore?

"Who gave you that?" Kate pointed abruptly to the colourful band of cotton wrapped around Emily's wrist; how thoroughly out of place it was on this elegant woman what had drawn her attention to it in the first place, and how utterly random the question itself was what made her believe that it just may work in penetrating what she now realised was a lifetime of heavily-reinforced armour.

"Uh.." Emily's brow furrowed; that was not at all the turn that she had expected this conversation to take and she gave her answer through blind confusion before she had even considered the motives behind the question – something that she would later find herself grateful for. "The son of a.. um, a friend of mine." She shook her head at that last part, hoping that Kate wouldn't pick up on the nuance. But of course she had, she could see it in her knowing smile and was wholly surprised when the younger woman's next words didn't draw attention to it.

"It's surprising. It doesn't seem very.." Kate's eyes narrowed as she searched for the right word. "You, I guess."

"Yeah, well.." Emily looked down uncomfortably, reaching for a file on her desk in the hope that the other woman would get the hint. "Sometimes you need to keep something that isn't you in order to remain grounded."

"Does it work?"

"Sometimes. Listen, Kate, I get that it's your job, but you really don't need to psychoanalyse me. I'm fine." She replied quickly but solidly, unconsciously straightening her back for emphasis as her facial features hardened impossibly. "Now, if you don't mind, I have work to do."

"Is that what you think I'm doing?"

"No, you're just _learning_ from me, remember." Emily raised an eyebrow, immediately regretting saying such a thing but she made no attempts to take it back.

"I didn't.." The younger woman frowned sadly as though she really hadn't considered the possibility that those words could ever have been misconstrued. "I.. I didn't mean that how you've clearly taken it."

And for only the third time since she had met her, Emily saw something other than robotic intelligence in Kate's features; apparently the charm to break her own cold exterior because when she spoke again, it was no longer a forced closing statement, but one that, unbeknownst to her even, would be the starting point in a brave new direction. "I know you didn't. I know that." She nodded, her gentle eyes depicting empathy and apology. "I also know that you really kind of did, and that's fine. That's fine because I think I could probably learn a lot from you too and I think that's what.. that's what concerns me."

"We can learn from each other."

"No, I.." Emily shook her head. "I think you're misunderstanding me. Just because we could learn a lot from each other, it doesn't mean we should. Some doors are just better left closed."

"Are they?"

"I.." Emily laughed uncomfortably. "Yes, Kate. They are."

"But what about the reason you're even here? Do you really want to continue to hit that wall that you hit with Jennifer?"

"So.. what?" Emily grew suddenly defensive at the mention of JJ's name. "I get to be your experiment? Wonderful! I'm sure that would help a ton, thanks."

"No." Kate shook her head softly; her calm demeanour in complete contrast to Emily's. "I get to be yours."

Suddenly Emily remembered the realisation that she had come to during that cab ride all those nights ago and her temporarily belligerent nature dropped down a notch or two and gave way to genuine curiousity. "And why would you do that for me?"

"Because, Emily.." The younger woman sighed. "I know that fight for control is exhausting. Which is only compounded by the fact that it is a fight you could _never_ win. Nothing is within your control, absolutely _nothing_. Not even your own feelings, and they're your own worst enemy at times. Being blind to that ensures that you've already lost and I think you _are_ blind to it. Maybe not on the surface, but deep down I think you're still telling yourself that you have the upper hand and you don't. That is what's unravelling you right now. Not your past and the battles you fight daily, but your innate and futile need to pretend that it and they do not exist. You need to trust someone, and you need to do that because that is what terrifies you the most. And the reason that terrifies you is because it means relinquishing some of that control that you hold in your chest every second of every day. But that control, that knot, it's only going to wind tighter until you let some of it go. And that's where I come in."

Every word made sense; every damn word. But that shouldn't be something that surprised her when it came to this woman – it shouldn't, but it still did. Surprised her, and panicked her. Except, it wasn't how thoroughly exposed she felt that caused panic to rush through her veins, it was the fact that she knew that Kate was right; so right that she couldn't even begin to argue. But she'd certainly try. "Thank you for your concern, Katherine. But I don't need a shrink."

"I'm not offering to be your shrink, Emily." Kate groaned in frustration; her fingers pressing into her temples with a shake of her head before she abruptly flung them out with her next blunt statement. "Besides, honestly, if you keep going the way you are, that knot will unravel you entirely and Clyde will insist on that anyway. I'm offering to be your _friend_."

It was odd, but somehow the word 'friend' unnerved her far more than the prospect of being offered the younger woman's shrink services did. Friends came with whole different responsibilities than therapists; friends didn't fit into a preexisting mold of rules and regulations, what could and should be said, and what would go no further through strongly-bound laws. Friends weren't seen once a week for an hour and could be simply bumped along in her schedule if she was having one of those days or weeks where she wanted to shut out the world and everything in it. No, 'friends' was open to far too many possibilities - possibilities that ironically looped in a lot of ways right back to Kate's point: trust, the relinquishing of something that had been such an engrained part of her for as long as she could remember, and the whole terrifying prospect of offering herself to someone in ways that - after the undeniable unraveling of herself in recent months - she couldn't help but admit was necessary or at least worthy of a try.

So she _had_ to agree, because it couldn't continue this way. It couldn't. It wasn't even about JJ, or her family, or the empty reasoning that she had had to abandon them. Her career was her _life_, it was the reason that she breathed, the reason that she got out of bed in the morning, the reason that so many hours of her day were occupied willingly; it was everything to her, and yet, since she had returned from Paris almost five months ago, it was like it meant nothing. There were clearly pieces of her in need of major repair or total replacement, pieces that were ensuring that the logic that she prided herself on was failing her at every turn and turning on her at every fail; in the fight for control – the fight for control that she had wholly thought necessary in order to keep herself – she had actually wound up _losing_ herself. And this woman.. this woman was everything that would banish any remaining threads of that control entirely, but perhaps that truly was what she needed; to tear herself apart and start from scratch.

To be brave enough to be human; to feel, to risk, to dare to venture into a world were control wasn't a part of her impenetrable armour. A world were nothing was predictable and everything was open to terrifying possibility. And she was grateful when the younger woman made that leap all the more easy by taking away the word 'friend' and replacing it with one that she herself had used.

"Let me be your experiment, Emily. What's the worst that could happen?"

"Uh, you could misconstrue the word 'experiment' which would leave us in a pretty awkward position." It wasn't a direct yes, but she felt confidant that Kate would take her joke as an agreement to her suggestion and that is what she needed. It seemed somewhat illogical, but it was almost like she needed to go into this without making it official, whilst pretending that that wasn't what she was doing; she needed to trick her own mind into thinking that it was an average day – not one that was the starting point in changing the very foundation on which it ticked.

"Oh trust me, my days of mixing business with pleasure are long over." The younger brunette smiled and indirectly told Emily that she had gotten her implied decision. "And whilst I'm certain that it would be _very_ pleasurable, I'm not sure that's a position you need to find yourself in again either."

Emily simply smiled, gratefully. "From here?"

"Well, from here, you owe me a damn drink because I wasn't joking.. You truly are infuriating."

"I'll give you that." Emily laughed, knowing very well that there was no room for protest – how could she when she even found herself infuriating at times? "Friday, my place?"

"Hah, no." Kate shook her head, earning a genuinely confused stare from Emily. "_All_ control, Emily. Not just some of it. You don't need definitive times and dates, you just need my number and the knowledge that you can use it. So, it may well be Friday before we talk next.. but if you get the urge before then to discuss the weather or.. some addictive TV show, call me."

"What if it's like.. 3am?" Emily yelled to Kate's retreating form, still a little taken-aback by what relinquishing control truly meant.

Kate turned back with a playful grin before disappearing out of Emily's office. "Ohhh, that's when the _best_ topics come out to play."


	22. Chapter 22

**Author's Note: **I realised today just how much I've enjoyed/enjoy writing Kate as well as how well you guys seem to have taken to her, and it left me a little curious so here is a quick survey question for you: how many of you are still on 'Team JJ', and how many are on 'Team Kate'? Honestly, this story is almost written (I'd say there's probably five or six chapters left from here) so the answer won't change the ending, but I'm just curious as to whether I'm going to piss anyone off.

**Author's Note 2:** I also need to address something. I know I said when I began this that it was all already written in my mind and that I knew exactly how it was going to play out. That was true, but it's also true that this story was supposed to finish like six chapters ago. When I reached what would have been the finale, I somewhat felt like I was giving the characters an easy happy ending and I hate doing that- hence the sudden detour that I took with Emily. I never intended to delve so deeply into her mind- that just kind of happened. But because it was never my intention, I also didn't stop to consider that anything I wrote in regard to her may be triggering. Therefore, having read a certain section of what will be one of the next chapters, here is your warning. It's not my place to tell you what you can and can't read, and if you've been able to identify with Emily in any way throughout this story (later chapters specifically) then that's great- I just don't want to be responsible for sending you to a place that I know it can be so difficult to come back from. So, read with caution from this point.

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><p><strong>Chapter Twenty-two: <em>Love and Insanity<em>  
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"So, Emily.." Kate spoke distractedly as she admired the older woman's house – the house that she was very, very certain wasn't purchased with her somewhat modest salary and noted the possibility onto one of the many post-it notes in her mind. "Be honest. Am I here on a Friday night because that truly happened to coincide with when you felt like having company, or because you failed with the simple task that I set for you?"

"You caught me.." Emily smiled, clearly uncaring for the fact that she had indeed been caught. Truthfully, there had been several occasions that she had picked up her phone to send a brief text message Kate's way... and those occasions had been found in the most unexpected of places. It wasn't in the bottomless depths of her never-ending and often torturous mind – it was in a TV show of all places, with a character whose controlled demeanor rivaled even her own; in his enticingly dark and yet thunderously vacant eyes that told of many stories and yet revealed absolutely none of them.

It was in the desire to pick him apart and study him – it was in the desire to do so with Kate.

She'd chewed at the inside of her lip as she stared at the empty message box on her phone that night; her mind painting words there and erasing them when they for some reason didn't feel right. But that was the closest that actual words had come to gracing her screen. It was ridiculous really, that she'd over-thought that too – that she hadn't been able to just shoot one simple text message Kate's way – but that only became even more ridiculous when she realised that if her phone had illuminated with an incoming message right in that moment, she wouldn't have hesitated to reply.

Yes, ridiculous definitely had been and still was the word. There were all of these rules and regulations in place that she had no memory of creating; just the reminder that they were in effect whenever she came to absurd moments such as that one. She had wondered then just like she was now, if she had been that way with JJ, and she couldn't ignore the fact that she had in the end. JJ had tried, tried desperately to show her that she wasn't going anywhere, that she could still trust her, and honestly, maybe she did know somewhere deep down that there were details that she was running from, that nothing was black and white, that she _could_ still trust her – but she didn't _want_ to. She didn't want to, so she had taken the 'out' given in JJ's deceit, and she had used it to justify rebuilding her walls to an unprecedented level.

Perhaps she could have been forgiven for that after everything that had unfolded between her and the blonde; for packing up her heart with her passport and fleeing. But this situation, this person.. Well, she hadn't even had a chance to break her trust yet, and still she was already treating her like she had; punishing her for something that she hadn't even done and may never do. It had just been a damn text message and yet it had seemed like it had potential to cause an apocalypse.

Of course, by the time that she had over-thought it for thirty minutes, the show had come to an end, she couldn't really remember any of what had happened, and what had started out as a simple thought had become something far grander in her mind; so grand that she didn't even have the desire to go there anymore, and as for _calling_ Kate.. well, that had never even registered on her agenda.

It was, without a doubt - and without the knowledge fountain currently admiring her kitchen having to educate her - an over-thought, unnecessary control tactic; one that she couldn't ignore the absurdity of and with an incredulous shake of her head, she used the best weapon in her arsenal currently to make her apology. "But I have a sixty year old bottle of wine if that will make up for it?"

"Oo, gimme." Kate's eyes widened excitedly as she took the offered bottle and then paused. "Glasses?"

"Top left cupboard by the stove."

"You want?" The younger woman asked over her shoulder as she reached up into the top cabinet.

"Not for me." Emily replied, leaning against the counter-top behind her and watching with semi-amusement and slight concern as the smaller woman perched on her tiptoes. "I'm not a wine drinker."

There was a gentle and curious frown on Kate's face when she finally retrieved a glass and turned. "You're not a wine drinker, and yet you have a sixty year old bottle of it that probably cost more than you're paid in a month."

Emily looked down uncomfortably and took a deep breath; her next words rolling off of the tail end of it as her face contorted in anticipation of the very reaction that she received. "Two months, actually."

The younger brunette almost choked on her drink – no, her _outrageously expensive_ drink – recovering when she realised just how tragic wasting even a single drop would be. "Are you _serious_?"

"Unfortunately." Emily nodded with a semi-nervous laugh, grabbing her own beverage from the counter behind her and wandering through to the living room. Of course, it wasn't necessarily the price of the wine that earned itself such a negative response - it was what that wine represented: the lifestyle she should have been grateful for but every day resented. She wasn't _un_grateful, she just knew what such luxury was built upon and that alone left a bitter taste in her mouth each time she was reminded of her wealth and ironically, what it had cost her.

"The house, the wine.." Kate summed up out loud as she took a seat on the couch; the implications in her next question obvious. "Mommy or daddy?"

Emily cringed, instantly despising the not-so intentional and probably non-existent judgement in that question. "Mommy. Mom. _Mother_.."

"Oo, mother." The younger woman's mouth formed a tight 'O', her narrowed eyes sparkling in clear excitement for what she assumed to be a wonderful 'mommy issue' story. "Mother is very.. sterile. What earned her that title?"

"You're so full of questions, aren't you?" Emily laughed; a very purposeful down-play that both belied and reaffirmed just how uncomfortable she felt under any kind of scrutiny. It wasn't the questions, so much - it was really no secret that her and her mother didn't get along - it was the fact that someone was asking them, that someone _cared_ enough to ask them. Why would someone she hardly knew care to know anything about her? Perhaps it was the agent in her causing such paranoia, but she knew that it was more than that- that it was likely the natural paranoia and distrust that followed her around daily and blanketed itself over every person she came into contact with. She knew the evil that men do all too clearly.

"Uh, yes." Kate nodded without apology. "It's called curiousity. A quality that you hold but don't seem to put to use very frequently, obviously. Come on.. surely there's something you'd like to ask me?"

Emily eyed Kate for a moment; probably too much of a moment. Her face appeared blank as she ran through all of the details that she found herself wishing to know about this person, and when such a rush of possibilities dawned on her, she tugged her bottom lip between her teeth briefly and looked away. "..perhaps."

"Then ask me."

The older woman sighed, looked down to the carpet uneasily; hesitant to even venture down that path. The less she knew, the less she could question when Kate's story too vividly reflected her own– and hopefully too, the less her mind would trick her into believing that she was safe to divulge, share, throw to the unpredictable wind that she had always found friendships, relationships, to be. But still, her diversion tactic had certainly worked since the younger woman didn't seem to be asking about the Ambassador anymore, so as long as it continued working, she would ask as many questions necessary. Trivial ones of course.

However, when she posed one of the trivial variety that would have born an equally trivial answer, the smaller woman soon made it very clear that she wasn't getting off the hook that easily. "Oh, come on. Ask me a _real_ question, Emily."

Picking at a piece of lint on her jeans, Emily sighed and leant back before pulling her legs up beneath her and taking a sip of her drink. It was all in aid of stalling, of course; as her mind pulled apart and analysed every question that she came to for any looming danger. But when ten, then twenty, then thirty seconds passed; a hand stilled her own that she hadn't even realised had been tapping at the side of her glass and implored her to stop thinking, to just _do_. So.. with every ounce of courage she could muster, she just did; pushed open the door that she had been pacing at for the past couple of weeks and stepped beyond the threshold into a world that is apparently called _friendship_. "Where is she now?"

Kate's shoulders curled subtly, clearly knowing instantly who 'she' was; but that was the only real acknowledgement of just how difficult such a question may be because when she answered, there was a casual nonchalance to her voice. "Living with her girlfriend. Last I heard they'd moved to Georgia."

Emily's ears perked up at the mention of a girlfriend - at the implication that perhaps she wasn't the only home-wrecker in the room. "Did she.. I mean.. when the two of you were.."

"Yep." Kate gave one definitive nod before taking a savouring drink of her wine; her face clearly showing just how good the deep red liquid was once again, even in this moment. "Yeah, she'd been in a relationship with her for two years. Very much the reason I shouldn't have gone there, and I'm fairly certain that she never had any intention of leaving her for me, but I'm not sure I really considered that far at the time and when I did, it was already too late. I was.. in love with her. I guess. If you want to call it that. Though, I'm pretty sure love and insanity, or love and addiction perhaps, can sometimes present themselves a little too similarly." Her eyes meeting Emily's, she added. "She was like a drug in the end... and yet I still don't know for sure if that is what she was."

The older woman's brow furrowed through sadness for this familiar and tragic story; the one that rang true to her own in so many ways. In all truthfulness, it wasn't even necessarily the fact that Kate had entered into an affair with an unavailable woman, but rather the last part... the part about love and insanity being one in the same; the part about addiction and being entirely unable to distinguish it from real affection. A quick succession of moments involving JJ stormed through her mind; a vast array of emotions and thoughts and feelings spun like a tornado- picked her up and placed her somewhere built upon a foundation of questions without answers. Or at least, with answers that were questionable at best...

But the curious look in the younger woman's eyes when she snapped out of her daze - combined with the fact that she was utterly unable to explain where the current of her thoughts had just pulled her - nudged her to one question in particular. If her and this woman were so similar - and they certainly seemed to be now on more levels than she had initially thought - how was it that Kate could talk about herself without issue, and yet she could barely admit even something as trivial as how she liked her coffee without instantly wishing that she hadn't? "I don't get it. I mean-" she recovered when she realised that she had spoken before thinking, "I get _that_. I just mean that I don't understand how you can be so.. open. Doesn't it bother you just giving pieces of yourself away like that?"

"Not really." Kate shrugged. "I guess I hadn't really considered it as giving pieces of myself away. I mean, they're still mine. They're just.. someone elses too. And I've learnt that sharing the weight of those pieces is useful when it comes to some of those emotions that are either too weak to withstand that weight, or dangerously stronger than it. Make sense?"

It did. It made a whole world of sense. Perhaps that is why, most of the time, she was so closed off emotionally - why, in situations where she should show even an ounce of sadness, maybe even a tear or two, there was no more than a robotic blank stare. And it boiled down to that very point: some emotions really were just too powerful to control or reign in. Some emotions truly were dangerous; intense in ways that had made her question more than once if such a thing was normal. There was no middle ground with her - it was either nothing or everything; she either felt nothing, or she felt _everything_. With that logic, robot mode was so much easier. But was such emotional unavailability really the lesser of two evils?

"Besides, I'm a psychologist." Kate added with a smile, cutting off Emily's mental marathon of questions. "I listen to other people's stories day in, day out. It feels good to finally tell some of my own."

"And yet you're oh so interested in mine?"

"Well.. You're different. I have a feeling that listening to some of your stories would be like listening to some of my own anyway." The younger woman defended and then shook her head quickly before shooting an accusatory look and a pointed finger in Emily's direction. "Anyway, you distracted me. Where do the mommy issues come from?"

"No mommy issues, _per se_." Emily shrugged and leant back, feeling a little more comfortable than she had just twenty minutes ago. "We just don't see eye to eye on a lot. That's really all there is to it."

"The gay thing?"

"Actually.." Emily raised her eyebrows in reflective surprise. "No, she was _surprisingly_ okay with that."

"Oh, mine wouldn't be." Kate laughed with some kind of distaste, taking another drink of her wine. "Thankfully, there's no real reason to tell her since I'm not technically gay anyway."

"You can be _technically_ gay?" The older woman laughed. "What does that even mean?"

Crossing her legs beneath her and turning to face Emily, Kate tried to explain. "Well it's not like.. confined, ya know? Perhaps that isn't the right word," she shook her head, "but I just don't see the sense in opening that door if I'm going to wind up marrying some guy one day anyway. Right now, I'm not in a serious relationship, with a male or female.. So what's the point?"

"I guess there is none." Emily had to agree, momentarily wondering if JJ would have ever admitted her existence to her family had their relationship gone a different way than what it had. But then perhaps JJ was in a similar boat to Kate – especially now that she had left – in which she didn't really have reason to do such a thing. Of course, as soon as she even imagined the concept of JJ marrying a guy some day - being with anyone other than her in almost any capacity - her stomach twisted and she knocked back the rest of her drink to ease the feeling. "Another?"

"Uh yeah, thanks." The younger woman replied distractedly, her mind focused on Emily's abrupt change in demeanour. And moments later when Emily returned - the bottle of wine, her bottle of Chivas and a mixer in hand - she looked up with questioning eyes that received a genuine look of utter confusion from the older brunette. "Where did you go?"

"Uh.. to the kitchen?"

"No." Kate laughed. "I mean.. in your mind. Where did you go?"

"Oh, um.." Emily shrugged as she poured herself a drink and topped up Kate's. "Nowhere important."

"Liar." Kate smirked.

"I don't lie." Emily shot back; her face a dark, blank canvas aside from a very subtle splash of hurt and a generous smear of defensiveness. Only, when Kate had absolutely nothing to say in response - something that questioned just how true her statement was - the somewhat angry look on her face faded to unwanted contemplation.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"No, don't.. Don't be sorry." She had no idea whether it was the 1.2 drinks that she had had, or just this woman, but she felt this inexplicable desire to elaborate; to divulge both where her mind had gone before, and where it had gone just now. And for just a brief moment, Emily followed that desire; left her fears by the door and walked hand in hand with curiousity into the darkness. "There was a period in my younger years where I was just this.. awful person. Maybe a rebellious stage, I don't know. But I couldn't seem to change it, and the only justification in the whole of it was that I was always honest about the things I did. If I did something that would hurt someone - something that primarily boiled down to sleeping with the wrong people and stomping all over the heart of the right people - I'd make sure that I told them, because oftentimes it isn't the act itself that hurts the most, it's the lie that people use to cover it up afterwards."

"That makes sense.." Kate spoke softly, barely audible as though she was afraid that she'd break whatever 'open' spell Emily was suddenly under.

"It does." Emily nodded, her eyes fixed to a bottle cap on her coffee table before she turned to Kate with her next words and an obviously misplaced smile erupted on her face. "But that's a _lie_ in itself, isn't it?"

"What do you mean?"

"I wasn't telling them the truth as a means of saving them unnecessary hurt; I was doing it for twisted and unwarranted redemption." She shook her head. "And regardless of the truths I gave them, I was still lying to _myself_." _Have been lying to myself every day of my life..._

"Emily..." Kate leant forward, grabbed the bottle of Chivas and topped up Emily's glass – perhaps that was the force strong enough to get her to open up. "I know you like to torture yourself and I get it, I totally get it, but depending on what age you're talking here, that was a lot of years ago."

"_That_ was. _That_ me existed a lot of years ago. But she didn't go anywhere, not really." Emily reasoned, as though she was trying to coerce Kate into agreeing that she was a bad person. "It's my job to lie, Kate, to create false realities and certainties to achieve the desired result. I lied for a whole year when I.." She trailed off when she realised that Kate knew nothing about Ian Doyle - and too the fact that that was a path that she didn't care to venture down.

"Case C739." Kate finished for her, not wanting that to be the wall strong enough to silence Emily now that she had come this far. "It's in one of your files. I kind of have to know in order to be able to do my job properly."

"Well then you know how much I had to lie there then, don't you?" Emily focused her attention on slowly drinking the remnants of liquid in her glass whilst her eyes fixed on her coffee table again; her mind running to a place where rough fingers glided across her skin, and her over exaggerated moans filled the air. To a world where she gritted her teeth and told herself that what she was doing was for the greater good... and that it was perfectly fine to be pretending to enjoy it and encouraging it because that was for the greater good too. It didn't matter that she felt cheap. And more importantly... it didn't matter that actually, feeling that cheap left her also feeling alive in ways that she hadn't in a very long time; both replaced the emptiness within her and gave good reason for it's presence. That she wasn't _faking_ it at all. It didn't matter how depraved that made her because she could so easily tell herself that that wasn't the case, that she was simply doing her job, that she had no choice...

...that she didn't feel helpless once that case was over.

It didn't matter that in the end, it had been so difficult to distinguish between genuine feelings for the evil incarnate that was Ian Doyle, and a fix that she pretended had been plied to her at the hands of someone else rather than her own; it didn't matter that after that, she had searched for the feeling she had found with him in bars and clubs, in copious glasses of paralysing toxins and rough acts of fake affection that remained in her mind now as no more than a questionable, blurred haze.

It didn't matter that she had only ever been able to find that feeling again at the hands of Jennifer Jareau. It didn't matter that that period of her life had left her wondering every single day - especially since Morgan had so bluntly addressed it - if she truly loved JJ, or if she loved demeaning herself into being the 'other woman'. It didn't matter that right now, all she really wanted was to get absolutely paralytic and fuck this beautiful woman in her presence against her immaculately painted walls; to destroy the friendship that this could be before it had even begun, silence the relentless buzz flooding her mind and deal with the consequences tomorrow. It didn't matter that there wasn't even really a sexual attraction there - just an attraction to the sex and all that such a carnal act could bring. It didn't matter, because she could lie to herself about that too - redeem herself with false reasoning that would tied her over until the next time and help her find logic in those days where she both questioned and lied to herself about why their still new friendship had wound up in chaos.

Or until she realised once again that she truly did not know what it meant to be human, to care, to feel; and more than that, be able to tell the difference between herself, and _herself_. Not anymore. She didn't know anything for sure. Not anymore.

"Emily, look at me.." Kate ducked her head to catch Emily's eyes after she had been silent for almost a full minute. "I don't know what you had to do in order to break that case. I can only imagine that it wasn't pretty." She paused for a moment, caught off guard by something in those dark eyes staring back at her; the ones that had deepened a whole shade in just a matter of seconds. She recognised that look, the one that represented imminent destruction; the one that she herself had adorned in the past when trying to fight her own demons with means that she always knew would hinder rather than help - and both for herself and for the woman before, she had to resist the temptation that was still an integral part of her narrative these days too. "But I can't help but feel that this is about more than that. Emily.. do you know the difference between the truth and a lie anymore?"

Unwelcome tears glossed at Emily's eyes as she stared and then finally looked away; the spell broken. Did she? It was true that she couldn't trust her own judgment anymore – something that often resulted in further disconnect and had very almost _vividly_ shown it's colours just seconds ago. But it was her job to tell the difference between the truth and a lie and in that regard it seemed a whole world different. She could practically walk into a room, listen to one sentence from a suspect's mouth and know instantly where it fell on the honesty scale. She was like a human lie detector – and yet when it came to herself, or someone that had niggled their way into her heart on even a slightly grander level than most others had, she couldn't trust a damn thing that ran through her mind, or any instincts that settled in her gut.

"I'm using you, that's why I'm here." Wholly expected but quickly masked hurt slammed against Emily's features as soon as those words left her lips, and she purposely allowed it to linger there behind the brunette's walls for a moment before she made her point. "Was that a lie, or was that the truth?"

Emily's brow furrowed intensely. Aside from not much enjoying the mind games that this woman was clearly conducting, she genuinely didn't know the answer - something that she couldn't help but feel was the whole point. However, she couldn't ignore what this was for herself too - an experiment. It was an experiment for her, and.. well, whatever it was for the other woman. There must have been something that she needed out of this, because why else would she be listening to her malaise, pointless ramblings? "Truth?"

"No, Emily.." Kate shook her head slowly, sadly, her words soft. "I'm interested in getting to know you because _you_ interest me. Just because I think I could learn from you, and you from me, that doesn't mean that that's _why_ I'm here right now. I'm here right now because I enjoy your company, enjoy our conversations. So why do you really think that I'm just using you?"

"Because.." Emily floundered, rummaging through answers to find the one that fit, or the one that didn't make her cringe, until the pile of possibilities disappeared before her eyes; so she jumped to her go-to – threw on a smile and cracked a joke that wasn't even really that. "I duno, you're the shrink, you tell me, Dr Chandler."

But apparently Kate wasn't interested in jokes. "I think it's because you can't possibly comprehend that someone would simply be interested in _you_. You can't see beyond your certainty that there must be a catch if someone is invested in your time, that you're not worthy of their time. That they must want or need something from you. And I think it probably results from a combination of the harm that people have caused you in the past, and the harm that you have caused yourself both by disconnecting from the world as well as placing yourself into situations that you can't possibly win. You don't think you're worth their time because these days, you're not even certain that you're worth your own time. So you set yourself up for a fall before it's even on the horizon. You destroy before you can be destroyed. You pretend so that you can keep control and loose it all at once, and in the process you lost _yourself_."

Emily blinked and stared for a moment; a winded feeling in her gut that felt both freeing and claustrophobic. "Wow.." Her purposeful laugh was a whisper and barely made it to being the downplay that it had been intended to be; the one that was supposed to belie what was actually a fairly accurate diagnosis, because it unnerved her quite honestly. "You really didn't get your job by chance did you."

"Don't do that.." Kate raised an eyebrow when Emily looked to her confused. "Don't make jokes to cover what you really want to say. I know you're doing it, why you're doing it, and so you should know that it isn't going to work and that you're just prolonging the inevitable."

"Well you stop reading me like I'm a chapter from your damn big-book-of-wackjobs then."

"Why? Does it scare you to know that someone can?"

Emily's smile remained for a moment but her eyes... There was something in them wildly implicative and yet at the same time told no stories, gave no answers; they were just blank. Blank until they looked away with a now lackluster shake of her raven head. This fight for control was exhausting; one that was only becoming more tiresome with the knowledge that she really wouldn't win - especially not if Kate was her opponent.

"Was Jennifer capable of doing that?" Kate asked boldly, only somewhat uncertain that she was right.

"She used to be." Emily responded with a shrug, feeling immediately guilty for the nonchalance she had placed in her words and the silent, implied blame that she cast JJ's way for such a thing ending. It wasn't JJ's fault her response had been given in past tense - not really. Perhaps the blonde's actions hadn't helped, but had that really been the point where she had stopped being her person, or had that happened long before their sexual trysts had come to a head?

"What changed?"

"I.." Emily twisted her neck; not quite a shake of her head, not quite a nod – just an expression that left no questions about her discomfort as Kate probed the very topic that she had just been entertaining. "I wish I knew."

"Do you?" Green met brown and refused to allow this one to be a question that would remain unanswered. "Aren't you glad that you've been given back your walls?"

"No." Emily answered instantly, snapping from her stupor and taking a gulp of her drink that burned painfully in her chest. "Because now I know what it's like without them, I can't pretend that they're not suffocating me anymore. I can't pretend that they haven't cost me everything. That they leave me feeling trapped now instead of giving me a place to breathe. I can't pretend that they're not the reason that I'm constantly searching for something and playing ignorant to the fact that I could have _had_ that something. That I was likely at least part of the reason genuine happiness slipped from my hands. Those walls don't help, they hinder. They screw with your head until you're certain that they're the only thing you can trust. That nothing else, no one else, is _worthy_ of your trust. And that would be fine.." She nodded with a bitter smile. "That would be fine except now I've been to the other side. I've been there, and I was happy, and yet I _chose_ to come back."

She hunched forward as her tirade finished, her elbows on her knees as she rolled her almost empty glass between her palms; her eyes studying the way that it shifted and finding herself strangely fascinated by the semi-danger of the possibility of it falling to her pure white carpet. But it looked so beautiful as it moved with threatening grace..

Just like JJ used to. Just like JJ would still be if she had given her half the chance- if she hadn't allowed the possibility of danger to blind her to the fact that the blonde had once been her protection from that danger.

"You didn't _choose_ to go back, Emily.." Kate reasoned, waiting for Emily to meet her eyes and continuing when she realised that wasn't going to happen. "Jennifer doesn't sound like a bad person by any means, but she also _did_ do wrong by you. She wasn't blameless. So I get it, I get why you'd retreat behind your walls, because it's what you know."

"But I didn't give her a chance." Emily spoke mindlessly, still examining the rolling glass between her palms.

"I know.." Kate nodded. "But if I'm right about her having been entirely straight before you, and I think I am, then she didn't give you a chance either. A chance to love her and be there for her."

Emily finally snapped from her daydream, looked to Kate with a slight frown that actually belied the clarity in her mind - the clarity that faded after a mere few seconds and manifested into a further question. A question that, out of character, she actually verbalised. "Do _you_ think I can trust her?"

"That is something for you to decide, Emily. Not me. But I don't think you'll find the answer until you can trust yourself and that is going to take time." Sitting up straight and holding up her drink in a toast, Kate spoke again. "So, here's to.. _time_. And trust."

"Time." Emily chinked her glass with the younger woman's, purposely turning her disappointed and conflicted face away so that Kate couldn't see the implications there; even the mere suggestion that her help or advice hadn't made a difference, or that finding that trust within herself was going to be so much harder than she even realised. "And trust..."


	23. Chapter 23

**Author's Note:** This story was totally supposed to be finished by now, but my lovely wife gave me the flu for Christmas and messed up my whole timeline. I had an appropriate Christmas ending planned and everything that isn't going to have quite the same effect when I post it in January, but I guess you'll have to deal. ;) Also, yes I did upload this chapter the other day. I also deleted it instantly because my brain still wasn't functioning great from being sick and I wanted to read through it with a clearer mind so I knew that it wasn't complete garbage - something I'm glad I did because I'm much happier with it now.

**Author's Note 2:** I hope you all had a great Christmas and happy new year guys! Spend it with those who make your life a wonderful place, and make 2014 count and all that good, cheesy stuff! :)

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Twenty-three: <em>Superheroes, Monsters, and Players<em>  
><strong>

_"The very thing that I love is killing me and I can't conquer it."_

**_- Eminem_**

_**London; 12:01pm;  
><strong>_

"Drinks tonight?" Kate spoke over her shoulder as she poured herself a coffee in the break room.

It had been a week since she had managed to make the - what she was beginning to secretly dub as - elusive Emily Prentiss open up to her. As it turned out, the older woman's truth-serum _had_ been the whiskey that she was nursing most of the night, and in all honesty, she had thoroughly expected that when that Monday morning rolled around, to be greeted with once again distant eyes and a cold, stern exterior that would place her and them back at square one. A part of her felt like she had overstepped boundaries of sorts; taken advantage of the other woman's inebriated state to crack her impenetrable walls; so when that Monday did arrive, there was an audible sigh of relief on her lips as she bumped into a fairly relaxed Emily in the elevator.

There were distant eyes, of course, but they hadn't been tainted by regret - they were instead hinted with apprehensive curiousity and searching for validation that still saddened her to see that someone of Emily's nature could ever need. She'd frowned as she studied Emily that Monday morning - only briefly, before she smiled and made a trivial joke that she could see instantly eased the fear in the older woman's eyes. They were nothing words on the face of it, not even worth remembering; but they were apparently the validation necessary, the indirect message that silently conveyed that the world hadn't ended just because she had let someone in, and she packed that tool into her arsenal - the arsenal that was growing exponentially by the day when it came to this woman.

From there it had been a relatively easy week - most of it spent learning the way that this new person in her life worked, and none of it spent studying herself. Perhaps that was the point though - as long as she was studying Emily, she didn't have to study herself. In all of this, she hadn't really stopped to question just why it was that she had chased Emily in the beginning. Sure, she had given the explanation to the older woman, but just why was it that she was so set on being her test subject? Just why was it that she even cared about someone who didn't exist just several weeks ago? Maybe she didn't _need_ to know - but it was probably more that she didn't want to. Their blossoming friendship seemed to be the only thing these days that filled a void that neither of them were ready to admit existed, and questions certainly didn't lend themselves to such ignorance. What if questions were the force strong enough to break the spell? So, blindly - and perhaps stupidly - those questions were silently ushered from the table. It didn't matter that from the second they'd met, they'd come to together with more intensity than most even manage to forge in their lifetime... questions weren't needed, and were wanted even less.

Laughing softly with a shake of her head, Emily sipped on her own beverage and leant against the counter behind her; speaking only when she realised that her present company was being serious. "Oh-no. Not a chance. I'm still recovering from drinking with you last week. Besides, I have a boatload of cases to go over this weekend that I will not get through if I spend my whole _Friday_ night drinking with you, and my whole _Saturday_ nursing a hangover."

"Oh, you poor thing." Kate winked as she turned to face Emily. "I could help? With the cases, I mean. Not the fact that you're a lightweight. I think that's an age thing that can't really be rectified."

"Wow.." She smiled genuinely with a breathy laugh. "I'm not sure anyone has ever been so kind and so mean towards me in one sentence before."

"You're welcome, my dear." Kate grinned. "So how about it?"

"I.." Emily shrugged, genuinely unable to find plausible reason to decline. "Why not? Maybe I'll even get five minutes to breathe this weekend with both of us working on them."

"Great. I'll follow you back to yours at the end of the day?"

"Sounds good-" Emily nodded before quickly adding, "-but no alcohol of any sort!" There was a smile on her face as she spoke, but her request was far more serious than the ease in her features reflected.

In all honesty, her apprehension of drinking with Kate again was less to do with any sort of hangover, and more to do with her distrust in her own lack of self-control. It was entirely lost on her in that moment that, whilst she may have thought about such things last Friday night, she hadn't actually done anything that she would regret- unless she counted divulging far more information with the younger woman than she had felt comfortable with the following day. That in and of itself had left her somewhat restless throughout the majority of the weekend; but it had eased the moment that she had laid eyes on Kate that Monday morning, and certainly hadn't left her as anxious as it would have done had she woken up with beautiful, naked destruction in her bed - and there was absolutely no way that she was going to risk even thinking about such things again, let alone placing herself in a situation where her inhibitions were at an all time low and feed the possibility of regret.

Perhaps this trust thing really was going to take a lot more than time.

"Fine." Kate held up her hands. "Jeez, anyone would think I'm a bad influence."

_I'm still undecided on that._ Pushing herself off of the counter behind her, Emily raised her eyebrows suggestively and left the room to head back to her office - purposely brushing close by Kate as she did and playfully lowering her voice. "How could anyone possibly think that about you?"

**CM-CM-CM**

_**DC; 7:42pm;  
><strong>_

Looking up for a third time to the warm hazel eyes and implicative smile subtly directed at her from across the bar, JJ took one last gulp of her drink and turned quickly to her friend. "I should go. I shouldn't even be here."

"Sit your butt down." Garcia grabbed JJ's arm and plonked her back on the stool beside her. "Give me one good reason why you shouldn't be here?"

"How about the fact that I have a son?" JJ reasoned hopefully, her eyes silently begging her friend to let that be enough.

"Uh, how about the fact that that son is currently quite happily putting Will and Amanda through their paces?" Garcia raised an eyebrow, daring JJ to even try and argue.

"That's not the point." The blonde shook her head. "This is Will's last real weekend here and Amanda's first real visit, I shouldn't be-"

"Blah, blah, blah.." Garcia mocked with several rolls of her eyes. "Have you considered that maybe Will _wants_ to spend time with his son, and maybe, just maybe, he _wants_ you to get out and just have some real fun after everything that's happened recently? You've been through a lot. Just have a drink, enjoy your friends, and perhaps if you're feeling up to it, go chat with that hottie over there that's been drooling over you all night."

Groaning, JJ slumped back in her seat, her forearms resting against the scuffed table as she played with the drink that she had been ready to abandon several minutes ago.

"Who's got a hottie drooling over them?" Morgan grinned as he came up behind JJ and Garcia and placed two drinks down in front of them. "From moi, with love."

Smiling genuinely, JJ peered up at Morgan gratefully from her still-slumped position – grateful for the drinks as well as his warm presence. Three weeks ago, she never imagined that they'd be here and so soon too, but ever since the dark agent had stopped her in the elevator on her way out of the Bureau four days ago and then coerced her into his car to hash out what was actually not as explosive as she had anticipated... there had been some understanding between them. She wasn't certain if it was pity or the unconditional love that ran like blood through true friendships, but somehow, he was her brother again; protective and caring, judgmental in a capacity that didn't seem to hinder his love for her, and mocking in a way that seemed playful rather than bitter.

"Thank you, my love." Garcia took the drink and answered his previous question. "JJ does. Except she's acting like it's some huge burden to have a hot woman so clearly wanting to get into her panties."

"I get that." Morgan shrugged, and he did get that. There was an abundance of reasons that such a thing would be a burden to JJ but that didn't change the fact that Garcia was probably right in her encouragement too. And whilst he was a little hesitant about his next words through loyalty to Emily, he also had to remember that Emily wasn't _here_. Emily had left – something that was clearly her way of working out her own issues, so why shouldn't JJ have the opportunity to do the same? Besides, if he knew Emily like he thought he did, she wouldn't hesitate if she was in this position; not because she didn't give a damn about JJ, but because she could no longer admit that she did – the random woman in the bar would be her ignorance. It would be detached and empty – the sex – but she wouldn't hesitate.

Taking a seat beside JJ, he rested his arm on the table and faced her directly. "Jayje, you've taken a huge leap recently, and while the person who indirectly encouraged you to do such a thing isn't here for the time being... it doesn't mean that the exploration that I really think you need should go on hold. I don't know if Emily's coming back." He shook his head sadly. "I wish I did, but I do know you need to take this time that she isn't here to explore yourself, figure out yourself, _love_ yourself. And I think that journey of discovery starts with Little Miss Starey over there."

JJ just stared for a moment, looked briefly over to the hot woman on the other side of the bar, and then down to her drink; James' words from a few weeks ago running like a repeated song in her mind. Morgan was right, but whilst she knew that his reservations about saying such a thing rested on his loyalty to Emily and that in some backwards way, hers vaguely did too; they primarily rested on the fact that she was terrified. She'd been with one woman; one woman who loved her and had never even questioned her lack of reciprocation – so, what if she couldn't do this? What if she started something that she couldn't finish and actually wound up making a fool of herself? But such thoughts pushed her to miss Emily far more than she had allowed herself to in recent weeks, and she downed that shot that Morgan had just handed her and left several solid words in her wake as she quickly stood and headed towards to her obvious admirer. "Ya know what? You're right."

Of course, her confidence quickly vanished and just three steps in, her direction suddenly veered off course and she found herself in the restroom of that bar, behind the confines of a cubicle, both cursing herself for being so pathetic and desperately trying to find her confidence again. But when she flushed the toilet in an effort to make herself seem a little more than entirely odd – ya know, like she'd been in there to use the facilities like a _normal_ person – she stepped out and found herself in very deep, very hot water.

"Hey." The unnamed woman smiled, some kind of amusement in her hazel eyes as she watched a combination of fear and nerves flick across JJ's face. "Call me forward, but I really thought you were heading my way then."

"Uh.." JJ managed when she pulled herself from her stunned state to walk over to the sinks to wash her hands – ya know, to add more credit to her 'bathroom break'. For a moment, she considered denying all knowledge, playing the dumb blonde and leaving that restroom, but with a sigh and a cringing grin, she caved. "I'm sorry. I don't do this very often. If ever and I-"

"It's fine." The light-brunette haired woman laughed, reaching out her hand. "I'm Jess. And you are?"

"J-" She naturally opened her mouth to say 'JJ', but that quickly transformed when she realised how much safer she felt under her birth name. "Jennifer. I'm Jennifer."

"Nice to meet you, Jennifer." The young woman, probably the same age as JJ, held the blonde's smile a little longer than necessary before speaking again; her voice much lower this time. "May I buy you a drink?"

They talked, and they laughed, and they danced, and they "accidentally" touched, and each one of those stepping stones…

…lead her here; to a small apartment, in a small town outside of DC, with a slightly crooked portrait hanging on a wall that she found strangely enthralling in the presence of everything that was reducing her nerves to tatters. And _here_ was petrifying.

"Did you need another drink?" The hazel-eyed woman snapped JJ out of her daze.

_Like you have no idea.. _JJ thought as she smiled suddenly, nervously; her hands shaking subtly as she gave her stuttering response. "Uh, no, I'm-I'm good thanks."

"Good." The other woman spoke – or rather breathed – as she stepped forward and took JJ's almost empty glass from her; deposited it on the coffee table beside her before resting her hands gently at the blonde's hips. "Because there's something I've been wanting to do all night."

JJ's heart was beating so fast that she was surprised it hadn't exploded; not necessarily because this woman caused such a reaction within her, but because she had never felt more out of her depths in her life. But when the other woman slowly leant in and brushed their lips together, she felt somewhat emboldened in ways that she had with Emily – perhaps she _could_ do this.

Her hands tangled in waves of light-brown hair as she practically breathed a sigh of relief into what was now a far more than chaste kiss; and when soft fingertips glided slowly beneath her shirt, she couldn't help but moan into that mouth that was eagerly parted against her own. She was happy to allow Jess to take the lead, to go at whatever pace she desired - something that was both reinforced and contradicted when the other woman looked to her for permission to take this further, and her silent response was to pull her own shirt over her head before pressing her lips once more against ones that really kind of tasted like aniseed.

She indirectly moved them back towards the couch, working at the belt on the other woman's jeans and inwardly breathed a second sigh of relief when Jess stopped her, flipped their positions and unzipped her skirt, letting it fall to the ground. Her bra quickly followed the same route, and now she found her heart beating erratically with anticipation rather than fear. She _could_ do this – she could allow this woman to do to her whatever she wished, because that part had never been the issue; that had always been a world beyond pleasurable. Of course, she wanted to be able to reciprocate, oftentimes craved it but…

Her eyes rolled back as warm lips wrapped around her nipple, as the semi-rough topside of a heated tongue brushed teasingly over it. She whimpered, her lower abdomen trembling with anticipation as those lips disappeared in chase of the panties being slowly drawn down over her thighs; left the air to rush in against the wet ring of saliva around her nipple as they descended lower, lower, lower, until..

"Oh god.." Yes, she could do this. She could definitely do this and her legs parted further for the woman between them long before the thought to do so crossed her mind.

Her back arched, her fingers gripping into the plush cushions beside her as this relative stranger worked her magic. It was different; definitely different than with Emily – something that she put down to the connection that she had felt with the older woman – but it wasn't necessarily bad different. She somewhat remembered someone telling her one time that sex was like pizza – that even when it's bad, it's good. Perhaps that logic, though in a very different capacity since this sex was in no way _bad_, applied here. She didn't _love_ pizza, it wasn't her favourite, but she still enjoyed it – even when it's not love, it's still pretty incredible.

Even when it wasn't with Emily, it was still exquisitely mind-shattering.

She had to suppress a laugh – here she was, with the mouth of a stunning woman doing incredible things to her... and she was thinking about pizza, quotes, philosophy. Perhaps she wasn't as ready for this as she thought. But the moment she began down that spiral that would lead her to feel more ridiculous than she already did, coincided exactly with two skilled fingers penetrating her and any over-thinking part of her brain was silenced instantly.

Her own fingers tangled in soft hair whilst the other gripped tighter at the cushions beside her; her mouth open in a perfect, silent 'O' as she lost herself to those fingers, that tongue, that mouth currently sucking greedily on her clit and pushing her towards finding herself again. And in every sensation, every thrust of her own hips, every pleasure-fuelled whimper that left her own lips, she did indeed find a small piece of herself. However, after an endless rush of possibilities, and confidence, and enlightenment, plummeted through her with her orgasm and she suddenly realised it was now time to put certain things into action... she froze. Terrified and trapped, she simply blinked into the semi-darkened room; the haze of her climax still humming through her as she fought the tight ball of nerves rushing up to her throat from her still-twitching abdomen.

"Hey.." A soft, semi-concerned voice mildly broke her stupor. "Jennifer, are you okay?" The other woman spoke once again as she gently slipped her fingers from JJ's centre and used her other hand to brush her thumb softly over her cheek. "What is it?"

But it wasn't a verbal response that followed – it was JJ's hands reaching for the woman's belt in panic; quickly removing the accessory before discarding the jeans that it held in place too until all this beautiful woman before her was left in were black panties and a white tank top. Their lips met with probably more hast than necessary on JJ's part, but she needed to do this quickly before she lost her nerve. She couldn't stop, because the moment that she stopped would be the moment that this blind bout of confidence came to a screeching halt...

...much like it did when she slipped her fingers into Jess' panties and felt just how wet she was for her. It wasn't just arousal – it was an expectation that she couldn't meet. It was disappointment brewing on the horizon. Disappointment that she, ironically, caused tenfold as she removed her hand and leant back on her calves; the other woman's wetness still present on her fingertips as she blinked into the blinding light that this moment was.

"I-I can't do this.."

And within less than a minute and a wholly confused and protesting brunette still sat in a blind daze on the couch, JJ was out of that apartment and hailing the nearest cab to take her out of that situation as quickly as possible.

The whole damn thing was beyond cringe-worthy, and she berated herself the whole journey home; had conversations with herself that really were nothing more than rolled eyes and disbelief at just how ridiculous she was. Now there was a story that she would never be able to tell... Something that she knew instantly she wouldn't get out of doing come Monday morning – both Morgan and Garcia would want details, but it wasn't even the details that she was afraid of. It wasn't even like she could give a broader, vague version of the events without making it very obvious to a profiler's eyes that it had been anything but a night to remember. Well, at least not for positive reasons...

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." She groaned to herself as she walked through her front door, mumbling demeaning phrases that very clearly expressed how foolish she felt for the whole evening. "You were so close, JJ. So close. All you had to do was pretend you're not pathetic and then you-"

"Mommy.."

"Oh sweetie." JJ stopped her tirade as she heard her son's faint mumblings, jumping into instant mommy mode as he rubbed his eyes sleepily at the top of the stairs. "Did you have a bad dream?"

"Nope." The small, blonde boy shook his head. "I was waiting for you to come home and kiss me goodnight. Daddy said I hadta go sleeping but I didn't want to."

"Hm." JJ began as she climbed the stairs towards her son and lifted him into her arms. "Well, if daddy says it's time to sleep then it's time to sleep." She looked towards him with a stern parent expression on her face, held it for a few seconds before smirking and whispering. "But how about we let it slide just this once?"

With a gap-toothed grin, Henry beamed up at her and nodded as JJ carried him back to his bedroom and settled him into his bed. "Just this once."

Brushing back his hair and placing a kiss to his forehead, JJ smiled at how instantly the small boy drifted off to sleep; at the fact that he had this innate ability to turn around her whole mood simply by being him. She had never loved anything in her life more than she loved this small bundle of innocence already snoring lightly and snuggling into his comforter. Her love for him never ceased to amaze her; he was barely four, and yet he was one of the most powerful driving forces in her life - and one that somehow made even this night's events somewhat more bearable.

"Sweet dreams, baby boy." She whispered as she left it his room.

It was difficult to tear herself away, to leave behind the serenity that his presence had provided and head to her room where she knew she would spend the next several hours picking apart not only her evening, but everything that had taken place over the past two years - and she was all too aware that he may be sleeping now, but he would still be awake and bouncing at 7am despite his late bed time.

Tossing her clothes into the laundry basket, JJ brushed back her hair and tied it into a loose ponytail; pulled on an old worn t-shirt, climbed into bed and fell instantly into a world that flitted between longing and idiocy, a broken heart and what she believed to be self-shattered dignity. It wasn't bad enough that she had just ran without any kind of explanation from that poor woman's apartment - she also had to contend with the fact that this reminder, this confirmation that she truly was out of her depths, left her wondering if Emily really had been right to leave her. What had she expected? To tell Emily the truth and have them live happily ever after? Of course, she hadn't really told Emily anything, but she was a profiler... perhaps she had already figured it out and that's why she had run for the hills. Who would want to be with the thirty-two year old closet-case?

Her heart sank as she pulled the comforter tighter around her chin; her sad, dejected eyes staring at nothing in particular as she shook away the chill that ran unapologetically down her spine and the need that came with it - the need similar to the one she had had back at that motel, for Emily to wrap her arms around her just like she had all those months ago and tell her without words that it would be okay, that it _was_ okay.

But it wasn't okay... right in that moment, it was far from it. Not necessarily because of what had unfolded that night - that humiliation would pass eventually - but because no matter what, no matter how much time passed or words of wisdom were bestowed upon her; it didn't matter. And it didn't matter because there was still that feeling in her heart... not the one that told her she was anything but straight no matter how much simpler that would be, but the one that told her that Emily was that once-in-a-lifetime, be-all, end-all, love-of-her-life kind of deal that absolutely was not going to disappear even if she _did_ master the art of having sex with strangers without freaking out. That feeling wasn't going anywhere, because it was Emily... It was the woman who had made her feel brave enough to take a leap of faith, and ironically enough, it was the woman she had lost because that bravery hadn't come soon enough - the woman she would never feel the safety of again because she had found her own bravery and was currently half a world away from her, literally, treading a path that didn't lead back to her.

It was only when her phone flashed green and illuminated the room briefly that she even stopped over-thinking, just for one second - because when she saw the text message that awaited her, she couldn't help but feel that someone was playing a cruel trick on her; someone in the disguise of her best, closest friend these days.

_So, sugarplum. How did it go? Don't reply if you're still there!_

Hitting call instantly with a groan - she might as well get it over with - she buried her face beneath her comforter and waited for Garcia to answer.

"Hm, it's barely 11pm and you're calling me. That bad, huh?"

"You have no idea, Garcia." She pressed her fingers into her temples. "I never imagined something I want so badly could be so difficult."

"Really? After everything with Emily, you still didn't realise that?"

"Garcia, don't. Now really isn't the time to-"

"Look pumpkin, if you want something, sometimes you have to fight for it." Garcia reasoned - not directly talking about Emily, but she knew where the blonde's mind had instantly gone, and given that Emily had disappeared off of the face of the Earth, she didn't particularly want her to rest her words on the elusive raven-haired beauty. "You gotta get back in the saddle, Jayje. So you had one bad experience. We all have 'em - even us straight as a die types."

"I can't do that again, Garcia. It was.." JJ grimaced as she remembered the events of her evening. "_Awful_. She probably thinks I'm some kind of wackjob, or player.. or whatever title would be given to someone _gets_ off and then _takes_ off."

"You're not a player, honey. Trust me." Garcia suppressed a laugh. The thought of JJ being a player was just one of pure idiocy - the woman could _only_ lie to save her life (thankfully); she certainly couldn't coerce a woman into bed with false certainties and promises. "_Morgan_ is a player. A total softy with a heart as beautiful as his to-die-for body, but a player nonetheless. You're just.. well, you're technically a teenager again. _Fun_ for you, somewhat humourous for me."

"Fun?"

"Sarcasm, sweetie." Garcia replied. "Well, sort of."

"I'm glad how pathetic I am is humourous to you." She rolled her eyes. "Good night, Garcia-"

"No, sugar, wait." The older woman jumped in before JJ could disappear from the line. "Look, I get it. I get that you're still nursing a broken heart, but maybe you just need to relax a little and not take it too seriously. You're not looking to settle down, that's the last thing you need. Just be you, just have _fun_. God knows you need it."

"Fun. Relax, and don't take it too seriously.. I _think_ I remember what that means." JJ smiled for the first time since she had left Henry an hour ago.

"Hm, maybe we need to work on that." Garcia frowned. "Anyway, get some sleep. I'm sure that little bundle of energy of yours will be awake and needing attention in just a few hours. Even super-moms need rest."

"Sleep. Now that, I think I can do." JJ yawned, hoping that her fatigue would actually win over her over-thinking, torturous mind if only so that she could get even a couple hours of sleep before she was awoken by a four year old bouncing on her bed and begging to go to the park. "Talk to you tomorrow, Garcia."

**CM-CM-CM**

_**London; 12:13am;**_

"So either you're drawn to his sparkling eyes or his psychotic MO." Kate pondered aloud later that night. "Truly not sure which."

"Huh?" Emily looked up to the younger woman, clearly distracted.

"Anton Phoenix. You've been staring at his file for thirty minutes."

"Oh." The older brunette shook her head with an uncomfortable smile. "He just.. I.." Grimacing softly, Emily lifted her eyes to meet Kate's. "I think if I respond to that, you're going to think I'm crazy."

"Try me."

"I-"

"Emily." The younger brunette spoke firmly, cutting off any mumbling excuses she could have come up with. "_Try_ me."

"Well I.. I find him fascinating." Emily spoke honestly, almost guiltily; continuing with more momentum when Kate didn't even blink at her admission and instead just smiled knowingly. "It's just.. look at him. He looks so normal, harmless, maybe even loving and warm and then.. Then you watch his interviews and it's like he's a robot. Like he has no emotions whatsoever. It just amazes me how that's even possible. What could drive someone to a point where they feel absolutely nothing? Or at least are like.. so brilliantly capable of pretending that they don't?"

"You tell me, Emily." Kate implored boldly, her arms now folded over her own case file as she studied the older woman with curiousity.

"I don't know." Emily mumbled as she looked down at his picture once again, giving an answer that was as dishonest as it was truthful. Perhaps she did know, perhaps she did understand what could lead a person there because she'd traveled that road; but it wasn't the kind of trip that begged to be bragged about upon her return, but more like a stint in prison that is better left never mentioned- a prison that she couldn't avoid the fact that she was still encased in. "Perhaps because some emotions are so complicated. You can't box them in or define them. You can't.. _control_ them. They have the power to wreck you or make you and you can't do a damn thing about it. I suppose in his line of work it's necessary to shield himself from such an unpredictable, invisible enemy."

"I think you're right." Kate nodded. "Which means, to get to Anton, you need to find the one thing that will leave him unable to box those emotions anymore. If his power is in his control, take that away from him."

Emily's gut twisted for reasons that she couldn't fully place, but she smiled gratefully anyway and gave the response that she was certain was expected of her. "Wow. Maybe I will get through this before the weekend is out." She quickly turned her attention back to the open file in front of her, a guise for her mind to hide behind whilst it tried to decipher the unnerved feeling in her chest; and she was so engrossed in her thoughts that she almost jumped when Kate spoke again, apparently not quite finished with the conversation.

"And what's your reason?"

Her eyes didn't move from her file but beneath the table, her short fingernails were digging into her palm. She wanted to answer, and if she had considered it for more than a nanosecond she would have realised that she _did_ hold the answer somewhere beyond purposeful ignorance and blinding denial, but it wasn't the time to start down that path. Now was the time to psychoanalyse an international drug lord, not herself, and she gave an answer that tossed her years of education to the wind. "Emotions are yucky."

"Emotions are yucky?" Kate laughed, shaking her head in disbelief. "I think that may be the most ineloquent thing I have ever heard you say, Emily Prentiss. Please do not put that in your file."

Emily smiled, subtle but genuine and got back to work. Though when she looked back to her paper, the words blurred and faded until they no longer existed, until all that did exist was an answer to a question that she hadn't wanted to give; scrawled there on official Interpol stationary like _she_ was the suspect that they were profiling, taunting her like _she_ was the one at fault, suffocating her like it was _her_ secrets being picked apart and discovered to be used against her at a later date. _Because they truly are terrifying. Because I never know what's going to happen as soon as I feel something, anything. Because it's almost at the point now where I'm not sure I'm even able to feel anything anymore even if I wanted to. Because backing away as soon as those emotions start to simmer or slamming on the breaks and causing the crash that just MAY happen at some point is already beyond my control. Because whether it's reducing them to nothing, or allowing them to run their course and become so consuming and intense; they hold all the power. They make thinking straight an impossibility and in a world where that is already difficult enough, the last thing I need is emotions. Because-_

"You're not him, Emily." Kate spoke softly, her spectacle covered eyes still fixed on the notes that she was scribbling in front of her; knowingly derailing Emily's unraveling thoughts. "Look how far you've come... You haven't destroyed anything yet, and as far as I'm aware, you're still with me too. You haven't closed yourself off and disappeared. You're not him. You're finding the balance. You're finding your trust. We just have to now find a way for you to keep a hold of that in the face of any weather."

Emily looked to Kate with a childlike frown, feeling once again - like she had last Friday night - like the ground had been ripped out from beneath her. How the hell did this woman manage to do that? Read her thoughts before she herself had even pieced them together? It almost felt like praise, what Kate was saying, and yet she couldn't feel any sense of the pride that she was certain she should. She just felt ridiculous... This was a lesson that she shouldn't even have to be learning, and honestly, she didn't feel like she was learning it at all; didn't feel like she had found any kind of balance. Honestly, right in this very moment, her emotions felt far more extreme than they had in quite some time - than they had since that spiraling moment in the supply closet with JJ before she had boarded a plane and left that world, that chaos, behind - and she fought desperately to shove them all back into boxes and totes and chests, and force some organisation back into her mind. But they wouldn't quite fit... There were too many, too much, and then suddenly, as Kate spoke and snapped her from her daze, there weren't enough. Robot mode was kicking in and the now-constant flit between the two was a warning sign that she totally missed.

"It's past midnight." Kate looked up and closed her file. "I think it's time to call it for this evening."

"Um.. Yeah, you're probably right."

"Of course.." The younger woman began when she recognised a slight hint of disappointment in Emily's features, as well as the still-burning embers of a silent conflict that she had apparently missed in the past twenty seconds. "We could always make a pot of coffee and work on this until the sun comes up, or until we've cracked Anton Phoenix's _enigmatic_ personality, whichever comes first." The small, hidden but relieved smile on Emily's face right before she began to decline such an offer pushed Kate to jump in before a protest could even be made. "Great, I'll go start some coffee. You like it strong, right?"

"Yeah.." Emily's smile lost some of its subtlety and her eyes lingered on Kate's retreating form as she, for the first time, wholly lost herself to just how rare this was. How easy it was, how – without having to verbalise a damn thing – this woman knew, just knew everything. The weight on her shoulders wasn't lifting but it was bearable - bearable or simply insignificant in comparison to this new force; she genuinely wasn't sure which, and cared in that moment even less.

She was too blind to recognise the descent of the hollow darkness that was already beginning to bathe her once-vibrant sky to fight against it; and would hold no desire to even if she did. Because how could it possibly be empty or dangerous when there was another person right there with her? Why would she want to leave when it promised so much fun? Why would she want to fight when she had been fruitlessly fighting for so damn long already? Why would she even try when she didn't even know what she was running _from_ anymore?

So she didn't try, and instead became best friends with those demons. Though, it didn't feel that way - like she was making deals with the devil or mindlessly handing over the remnants of her soul. It felt somewhat like rainbows and unicorns were glossed across the walls in the depths of her mind, and even when they faded to reveal that actually, there was nothing more than flaking paint and cracked concrete there, she'd be greeted with the most hypnotic smile and knowing emerald eyes and she felt safe again. Safe in her own darkness, safe in this world that, until this point, she had both loved and hated, craved and feared.

As the weeks flew by, she showed Kate certain things that she had only ever shared with JJ, except with the younger brunette, it felt different; it was almost like she was as excited about those things as she was, as fascinated by the darkness and lured by it in ways that she thought only she would ever comprehend - and there had been times in her life when even she hadn't. The younger woman soon became the reason that certain days lost the natural emptiness that she had always despised; why blind invincibility flowed through her veins like a life source and why her rose-tinted glasses felt more like a window providing a whole new perspective, on a whole new world that really wasn't new at all, but certainly felt that way under the influence of this new drug.

Her conditions on refraining from situations that combined Kate and alcohol were soon forgotten along with almost every other lesson that she had learnt, and Friday nights quickly became something that she hadn't experienced since she was much, much younger. Her and Kate would sit on her living room floor, glasses constantly splashed with their preferred poison as each excitedly shared with the other some song that had just made sense to them; music that got louder and louder as the drinks began to flow more freely, as the laughs became more idiotic, as eyes glossed and fell heavy with vision-blurring, freeing intoxication. And when the music stopped, beautifully stormy minds manifested into contradictory verbal words and ramblings that actually, would have only made sense to _them_ even if they were sober. They discussed the world and everything in it- the good, the bad and the ugly. But mostly the ugly... Except it wasn't ugly to them; it was fucking amazing. It was captivating. Together they explored beyond those doors that most people don't even know exist, let alone dare to open. They laughed about the darkness in a way that made it seem as though they should be talking about some kind of humorous anecdote rather than something that subtly and chaotically destroyed lives each and every day - that had subtly and chaotically left victory markers in their _own_ history.

It wasn't her job, but Kate quickly became Emily's consultant; cracking, not so much cases but the perpetrators, together until the early hours of the morning, figuring out just what made the suspect tick and oftentimes finding some kind of awe in the inner-workings of these animal's minds. And it _was_ awe that they felt, sometimes even envy. It didn't matter that these people were some of the most hardened criminals in the world – to Emily and Kate, they were textbooks, studies, an accumulation of theories and fascinating algorithms that enthralled them and made them feel alive and justified in their own flaws.

Together they helped close more cases than Clyde had in the past year. They were like superheroes or something; their super power being something they would never admit except silently to each other – that they knew, at least in a milder capacity, the driving darkness that each suspect's demons fed on. They knew, and they used that knowledge for the greater good; or at least that is what they told themselves.

The truth was, they were addicted, dependent on the bonds that they had so quickly - _too_ quickly - formed and the power that the accumulation of each of their intensities created. Blind to the fact that when fire and gasoline meet, it doesn't just create something beautiful, but something destructive; and wholly oblivious to the fact that there truly was nothing more detrimental than two addicts together. And they _were_ addicts... their addiction being something so logic-defying and intense that when Clyde questioned their relationship, Emily didn't waste any time shooting him down. She was lying, and whether she knew that or not - after all, it was easily questionable when her and the brunette had done nothing more than spend time together - it didn't matter; she was certain that this relationship, this friendship, this bond was exactly what she had needed all these years. Exactly what she had needed to breathe again.

She hadn't needed a cure – she had needed a companion, someone that told her without words that it was okay to be different, that it was perfectly fine to know the dark side of the rainbow and that it was just as okay to embrace it. It was _because_ of her darkness that she was good at her job, that she was able to have a friend in Kate, that she found herself genuinely laughing again. Everything that had tortured her day in, day out for as long as she could remember was now her savior, her power, her _friend_.

Of course, that coin had two sides. Whilst it was deceitfully painting her world with sunsets and flowers, it was also silently feeding her demons. Whilst she was being plied with beautiful justifications about embracing her dark side, there was nothing reminding her how detrimental it was to become _consumed_ by it. Whilst it was helping her to trust herself - or rather, forget that she had ever needed to - it was also helping her to care...

...something that was always a big mistake for Emily Prentiss. Something that, without her even realising it, was silently sucking her dry of any remaining balance that she held and would wind up being the force strong enough to derail her completely.

No, this monster, disguised so successfully in smiles and beauty and temptation and a false sense of security, was no longer lurking under her bed where she could remain aware of the dangers that it presented - it was carefully and cleverly invading her every breath, her every thought, her every damn feeling and hypnotising her just enough to forget that she had ever been afraid of it in the first place.

And when she did remember, it would already be too late - when she did come to realise that everything she had fought against had been slowing chinking away at her defenses in plain sight, it would have not only already won the battle, but would be well on its way to winning the war...


	24. Chapter 24

**Author's Note:** This update and the next one are essentially just **one** chapter. They take place on the same day; I was just trying to save you all from having to sit for three hours just to read one update. Therefore I've separated them into 'Part JJ', and an 'Part Emily'.

Also, if you think the conversation between Leah and JJ in this chapter is a little premature, that's probably because in 'normal person' etiquette it is. But in case you haven't noticed already with Kate, I enjoy writing confident people who don't curb themselves around socially acceptable rules and tiptoe around the obvious for the sake of formalities. Besides, I think if you're as lost as Emily and JJ are, you'd more easily give yourself over to someone who seems like they may hold all the answers anyway, even if that person is a relative stranger. As for Leah herself, she was written with Hilarie Burton in mind (the Grey's/White Collar version)- because that woman is _beautiful_. No huge deal if you don't know who she is, but I'm just trying to avoid staking claim to a character that isn't technically mine.

**One more thing:** I forgot to mention this in the previous update but thank you to the 'guest' who left the review on chapter twenty-two on Dec. 29th (I'm very, very late, I know. And I'm sorry for that.) This may sound odd, but what you had to say made me smile. Sometimes (most of the time) I feel that I'm putting pointless/illogical thoughts to page, so it was wonderful to hear that what I've written resonates with you and more than that, is in some way comforting. Emily's unexpected portrayal in this story has very quickly become close to my heart, and I think that is why your review meant so much. I hope you continue to find comfort in my words and, hopefully, a way out of that prison. I firmly believe there is one, somewhere.

* * *

><p><strong>Twenty-four: Part one: <strong>**_Sparkling Eyes_**

**_Two months later; Quantico;_**

They truly looked like siblings as they huddled around JJ's desk, staring with curiousity towards Hotch's office door that him and some unknown redhead had just disappeared through; each mumbling theories on just who she may be.

"Oh!" Morgan clicked his fingers loudly, startling the rest of the group. "I got it! You remember that day months and months ago when we were given the weekend off and he had this weird ass smile on his face... I bet he had a date planned." His eyes were wide whilst his friends simply stared at him, apparently still none-the-wiser as to what his point was and he shook his hand animatedly towards Hotch's office as he clarified. "And that's _her_!"

Garcia turned back to study the object of their attention without hesitation, clearly not sold on Morgan's theory. "No, no, my love..." She muttered, deep in thought, twisting from side to side on JJ's chair. "He would never be careless enough to bring her here into an office full of profilers."

"What about a nanny?" JJ piped up from her spot on the edge of her desk, her legs crossed casually as she sipped on her coffee. "Ya know, for Jack. Maybe he had to interview her at work because of how busy we've been recently."

"It could just be a friend…" Reid chimed in innocently, receiving him a patronising look from each of his friends.

"You're all wrong." Rossi interjected. But before he had the chance to tell them just why that was, the door to Hotch's office swung open and their leader spoke.

"Guys, conference room now, please."

They each jumped from that desk like it was on fire and fought by each other to get to the conference room; abruptly straightening themselves up and walking in professionally when they reached the threshold.

"Take a seat, please." Hotch spoke from his spot beside the still unnamed woman as his agents filtered in. "As you're all aware, we lost an agent a couple of months ago and have been struggling to pick up the slack since then. It's taken a little while to find a replacement suitable for the position, but I'd like you to meet Leah Kennedy." He paused while the new agent gave a small, somewhat intimidated wave to the team; the distant and subtly disgruntled look on their faces not lost on him at all. But they really had been swamped recently and that took the forefront over their loyalty to Emily- even over _his_ loyalty that, after everything, may have been damaged but was definitely still present. "She's on loan from Chicago and will be taking Agent Prentiss' place for the short term. A couple of months, just until we get back on track."

Garcia was the first to stand, unable to act hostile towards the new agent even if she was replacing her friend – it wasn't _her_ fault. "I'm Penelope Garcia." She reached out her hand with a welcoming smile. "It's nice to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you too." Leah returned, grateful for the kindness in a moment where she was feeling anything but. It had quickly become apparent that she was stepping on someone's toes and she knew that she'd have to work fast to rectify it before it manifested. Addressing the rest of the team, she spoke again. "From what I hear, Agent Prentiss was an asset to this team and a friend to each of you. I'm really not trying to take her place. I'm simply here to do a job and while I'm under no illusions that I'll be able to do it to her standard, I'm still very good at what I do and you will get the best of me whether you want it or not. Honestly, you don't have to like me if you don't want to. But I think you'd be pleasantly surprised."

There was a palpable silence for a moment until Morgan felt suddenly obligated to fix it and joined Garcia in welcoming the new temporary-recruit to their team. "Well alrighty then..." He was as unimpressed with Hotch's decision as the rest of them, but even he could recognise what balls it must have taken for this woman to be so assertive. "I'm Derek Morgan. Welcome to the team, Agent Kennedy."

"Thank you, Derek. And please, call me Leah." The redhead smiled, shaking hands with each other team member when they followed Morgan's example- all except JJ who seemed to be stuck in staring mode.

And she was staring. She didn't realise it, but she was. Luckily, an elbow in the side from Garcia snapped her out of her daze. "Oh. Sorry... I have a young boy who doesn't like bed time." She smiled apologetically, immediately feeling guilty for blaming her son for her blatant ogling. "I'm Jennifer Jareau. JJ. We're grateful you could join us. It's been a little hectic recently so you'll definitely be a great help."

She made her pleasantries as believably as she could before following Garcia out of the conference room; silently willing the ground to swallow her whole. That was so not one of her finest moments- though, what could constitute her finest moments hadn't been making much of an appearance recently at all.

"That was smooth, Jayje. _Real_ smooth." Garcia snickered as they descended the steps.

"Was it really that bad?"

"Is this really that bad?" Garcia retorted, making some animated, overly-dramatic face that included a tongue that hung like a panting dog and eyes that probably better belonged on one of their serial killers.

"Stop it, you're not funny." JJ snapped in a whisper as they entered the break room; shaking her head at herself in embarrassment.

"Chillax, gumdrop. I don't think she noticed."

"Oh, she noticed alright." Morgan chuckled, walking in close behind them. "She just asked if your meds are working."

"She did not." JJ rebutted with complete non-belief. Well, ninety-nine percent. "Did she..."

"No, she didn't. But she definitely saw it."

Slumping down on one of the seats around a low coffee table, JJ groaned; her voice low when she finally spoke. "I'm sorry, it's just..." She tried to finish her sentence with just her eyes, but simply wound up looking like the serial killer that she had apparently resembled in that conference room. Growing suddenly frustrated with the blank stares that she was receiving, she blurted out what she meant in a manner that left no room for questions. "It's _been a while, _okay!"

"Ohh-oh. Poor girl." Morgan chuckled. "How come you never saw Miss Starey again?"

"Oh, my beautiful chocolate Adonis..." Garcia began, patting her hand against the dark agent's shoulder. "That's quite an interesting story, but unfortunately it's one that I've been sworn to secrecy over."

"That bad, huh?" Morgan looked to JJ, a genuine look of compassion gracing his handsome features.

"Like you wouldn't believe..." The blonde grumbled, the coffee that Garcia handed to her making no difference in how tense she felt and had been feeling for weeks now.

Realistically, it hadn't been the longest that she'd been without sex, but she wasn't blind to the fact that it was likely more than that. Since she had come out to her family – and been repeatedly told by several different people that she needed to fully embrace who she was (whatever that meant) – she'd felt somewhat like a kid who had just learned how to ride a bike and then had that bike taken away. Of course, after her night with Jess, it was probably fair to say that she didn't even know how to ride that bike anymore anyway, but she _really_ wanted to. Even if she fell off again, she needed some kind of human interaction that amounted to more than hugging her friends or shaking hands when greeting a new detective on a case. Jesus, even Spencer was beginning to look attractive.

"Well look..." Morgan started, taking a seat opposite her and unknowingly snapping her from her overly-sensitised, under-sensitised, daydreamy state. "We're heading out tonight. How about we try again? Find you a new test subject."

"Eww..." JJ cringed. "Do you even realise how demeaning that is? Anyway, I'm not going. Not after what happened last time I went out with you two."

"What?" The dark agent shrugged. "That's what she would be, right? I mean, you're not intending to settle down. The whole point is so that you can explore your sexuality. Thus making her a test subject and yes, you are. You can't remain celibate forever."

He really kind of had a point, on both accounts- even if those points had been made in a somewhat tactless way. Though, these days, that is actually what she loved most about him- his bluntness. She was overthinking so much and so often that she actually appreciated how black and white everything seemed to be for him; how black and white, she knew, it _had_ to be for him to simply get through the day in their line of work. Though, before she could contemplate his logic further, they were interrupted-

"Who's remaining celibate forever? That just sounds like fruitless torture if you ask me."

-and an odd sound escaped her throat as she looked up and met sparkling eyes for the second time in twenty minutes. And they really were sparkling. It was like the woman had dumped a whole pot of glitter in them that morning, or some Twilight shit. And what was the deal with her hair? It was like... well, honestly, it put even Emily Prentiss' hair to shame and that was saying something. But before she could get dragged blindly into staring like a horny teenager again, Garcia thankfully jumped in.

"We were thinking of heading out tonight. Ya know, welcome you to our team." Pointing a brightly coloured fingernail towards her friend, she continued. "_However_, JJ here doesn't want to go."

"Ohh!" Leah drawled in sarcastic realisation and diverted her damn sparkling eyes back to JJ. "So it's a _fun_ celibacy? What did fun ever do to you, JJ?"

"Oh, Chicago..." Morgan stood with a not-so original nickname. "You are _definitely_ going to make a great member of this team. See you tonight guys." He turned quickly back to JJ before leaving and pointed his finger. "You too, Goldi-lez."

**CM-CM-CM**

**_Later that night; somewhere in Downtown DC;_**

She couldn't work out if she hated her friends or loved them some days, but she had to admit that cocktail night was relaxing her a little. Only a little though; she really hadn't been joking when she said it had been a while. It seemed somewhat ridiculous to her that actually, she'd probably gone longer than this between Emily and Jess – barring the explosive encounter in the supply closet of course. The supply closet… the supply closet where-

"This seat taken?"

-"Oh, uh, no, it's, uh-" JJ stopped her stuttering self before she looked too much like a fool; her hand waving in front of her nervously as she banished certain thoughts from her mind. "No, it isn't. It's all yours."

"Great." Leah smiled as she took a seat beside JJ, her damn sparkling eyes lingering. "Are you okay? You seem a little... anxious?" Her brow furrowed softly with a now amused smile as she watched JJ search for a response. "I'm really not here to replace her, ya know."

"Wha..." JJ's guilty eyes shot open. "What do- what do you mean?"

"Agent Prentiss. I realise you have loyalty towards your friend, and that's great. But I honestly am here solely to help out. To be honest with you, I'm fairly certain that your boss is adamant she's coming back so-"

"I'm glad he's certain of that." JJ grumbled, giving everything away in an instant, and turned back to the bar and her drink; taking a couple of sips before realising what she had said and quickly turning back to the woman in her presence. "I just mean- I- because she-"

"It's fine." Leah laughed with a shake of her head. "Penelope may have shared a few details with me."

"Oh she did?" JJ raised her eyebrows, more than a little annoyed that her friend would do such a thing. "_Awesome_."

"Don't worry so much." Leah comforted. "Honestly, I pulled it out of her. Well, not directly but I asked about the nickname Derek had given you, then my sexuality came up, and I guess she felt comfortable in divulging."

JJ's eyes widened again - what the hell had Garcia _said_?

"I've gotten her into trouble, haven't I?" The older woman grimaced, seeming genuinely regretful for crossing a line that she hadn't stopped to consider. "I'm a very open person and sometimes I forget that not everyone works that way… I'm sorry."

"No..." JJ shook her head and sighed. "I've just barely come to terms with this myself, ya know? It isn't her story to share."

"I think that's why she brought it up." Leah countered. "Not to share your story, but to help you with it. Or rather, in the hopes that I could help you with it." When panicked blue eyes shot her way, she continued with a soft chuckle and held out her left hand; specifically her middle finger. "Not like that. I'm married. Very, very happily married. Don't panic. I think she just hoped that maybe I could answer some of your questions, or give you some kind of direction."

She was curious. "What _exactly_ did she tell you?"

"Um..." Leah's face contorted as she tried to remember the summation of what Garcia had disclosed." That you've pretended to be straight your whole life, had a child with a man, realised you were in love with your best friend, lost your best friend - _Agent Prentiss_ - came out to your family, was basically disowned by one of them, tried your best to flirt with your totally gay side, had it end somewhat embarrassingly and now…" She looked to JJ. "Well, now if I remember correctly... You've chosen to be celibate?"

JJ laughed uncomfortably. _So much for a few details..._ "Well that about sums it up."

"Sure?" The redhead laughed. "I didn't miss anything?"

JJ relaxed a little; rolled her eyes and laughed genuinely for the first time in a while. Having her story painted so vividly for her like that well... she had to laugh. She had to laugh otherwise at this point, she'd probably cry. "Oh man, Garcia was right. My life really is worse than most soap operas."

"Yeeah." Leah nudged her and winked. "But at least it's interesting. So... what happened on this embarrassing date of yours?"

"Heh..." JJ laughed humourlessly and took a drink - the beverage probably the reason that she wasn't thinking twice about being so open with not only a stranger, but one that she would be working in close proximity with for the next few months. But it felt good, to chat with someone who at least in some capacity - and probably too on a different level to James - knew what she was going through. "It wasn't really a date. Actually, it wasn't a date at all. I met her at a bar, had probably one too many and tried to run before I could walk."

"Wow..." Leah whispered with fake astonishment. "You just told me... a whole great deal of nothing. What actually happened?"

"Really?" JJ looked to her companion. "You want the details?" Apparently the older woman did. "Alright then, but I'm gona need another one of these if I'm going to venture down that cringe-worthy path."

"Got it." The redhead smiled and ordered another round of drinks, looking to JJ expectantly once they'd arrived. "Go on then. I'm waiting..."

"Okay. So..." JJ turned, her left arm resting against the bar as she tried to recall the details of a night that she'd tried so hard to forget; giving them in brief bouts of broken thoughts when she finally dredged them up from the dark corners of her mind. Her eyes barely met Leah's she talked- it was like she was having a conversation with herself. In fact, it was only when the older woman finally spoke once she was done rambling that she even remembered someone else was there.

"That's not so bad." Leah shrugged.

"How can you possibly _say_ that?"

"Because I've heard worse." Honestly, the story wasn't really that bad at all- she was certain that it only seemed like a catastrophe to JJ because of how inexperienced and fragile she was. But, nonetheless, it clearly _was_ a big deal to JJ and for that reason, she didn't want to downplay the 'severity' of it much further than to make her feel better.

"_Experienced_ worse?" JJ questioned hopefully - perhaps if she wasn't the only somewhat pathetic one in the room, she'd feel better.

"Afraid not." Leah shook her head then raised her eyebrow. "But I did once kiss a guy when I was fifteen who told me there is such a thing as too much tongue."

"That's supposed to make me feel better?" JJ laughed- apparently it was. "You were _fifteen_!"

"The age isn't important. The fact is, I was inexperienced, just like you are. You may not be a teenager but you're still in that place." Leah paused, only momentarily deliberating her next question before posing it. "When was the last time you masturbated?"

JJ all but choked on her drink. "_Excuse_ me?"

"When was the last time you got yourself off? Perhaps 'masturbated' is kind of clinical."

JJ laughed in amazement. "Yes, because the way you worded it is the issue here."

"Oh loosen up." Leah shook her head and turned fully to face JJ. "You can't expect to fully embrace your inner-gay if you can't even talk about such a thing. So, when was the last time you... _had JJ time_?"

JJ stared for a moment, her mouth slightly agape- not even necessarily for what she was being asked anymore by a relative stranger, but because she was struggling to find an answer. "I guess... I guess a few months ago." And it probably had been that long. The last time flashed in her mind as she gave her answer, her brow saddening as she remembered that such a thing had been a means to force sleep- to forget the fact that Emily was leaving the next day but really all it did was turn her mind to further chaos.

"Oh wow. No wonder you're tense." Leah's eyes widened a little as she turned back to face the bar and her drink.

JJ searched for some kind of defensive rebuttal but struggled. "Well-"

"So let me get this straight..." Leah turned back suddenly. "No pun intended... You've spent your whole life fantasising about women in traces and doses because you were too afraid to fully allow yourself. And yet now that you're a free agent - again, no pun intended - you haven't taken the time to fully submerge yourself in those..." She shook her head wistfully. "Well… Let's face it, _beautiful_, imaginings?"

The woman really kind of had a point. JJ's mind jumped back to the nights when she was still with Will, the nights long before Emily where she would lie awake staring at nothing, desperately trying to erase thoughts from her mind whilst at the same time wishing that she had five minutes- just five minutes alone to fully embrace them. And then to that night many, many months ago where Will had awoken to find her pleasuring herself; the night that had wound up leaving her feeling emptier than ever. And from there her mind rolled downhill... catching all of the wrong memories on its journey– that one time she got herself off _for_ Emily's worshipping gaze; that other time the night before Emily had left where she had wound up crying herself to sleep; the several sporadic nights since then in which Emily had crept into her dreams like a predator and left her wanting in ways that only intensified the ache in her heart that she had been trying desperately to ignore. The latter, of course, were the nights when her fingers had barely made it beyond her underwear before she pulled the comforter tight around her and willed sleep to take over- the nights where she'd realised just how damn lost she was.

Maybe they _were_ beautiful imaginings, but perhaps that was the very reason that she couldn't stomach them anymore- it just wasn't worth the reminder of everything that she had tossed to the wind. She was scared to even go there, because as soon as that door was opened again, she was certain that she wouldn't be able to close it. Sometimes holding the memories of something that had once made you happy – however incredible those memories are – was capable of nothing more than making your pain worse.

"You're missing out, and you're doing yourself a huge disservice." Leah spoke softly as she read the subtle sadness in JJ's features and made the executive decision to shake her attention. "Question number two.. When was the last time you _properly_ had JJ time? And I don't mean quick and to the point in an allotted time slot. I mean..." She lowered her voice when the bartender walked by before looking back to JJ. "When was the last time you closed your eyes, shut out the world and let your imagination take you without guilt or condition? Without telling yourself what you _should_ be thinking about? When was the last time you allowed your hand to slip beneath the comforter, traced your fingertips over your breasts and then slowly down your stomach as a whole new world opened behind your eyelids? The last time you listened, really listened, to the increase in your breathing and imagined such a heightened trembling was the result of that forbidden world truly unfolding in reality? The last time you pushed that comforter away, removed your panties and spread your legs, your skin tingling and quivering with anticipation, both hot and cold as your heart raced in your chest, eager for the moment when your fingertip would finally graze that perfect spot and provide you with that blissful moment of such pure and heavenly release, only to then fill you with this wanting, _craving_ need stronger than you've ever felt? When was the last time you took a full hour to give yourself over to that need? When was the last time you really _felt_ yourself, JJ?"

JJ swallowed - _hard_. Her innocent blue eyes were subtly wide and her mouth slightly parted as she found herself lost to the words that had just left those now far more tempting lips of the woman before her. For a moment, all memory of just who this woman was - a colleague - abandoned her. She could feel her heart pounding, her skin trembling - just like Leah had so vividly described - and it took her a moment before she composed herself and looked away with a deceiving smile, now focusing her attention on her drink. "You sure you're married?"

"Why..." Leah raised her eyebrow and questioned unapologetically. "You wanna allow me to get you off so that you can then _take_ off?"

JJ rolled her eyes, really kind of hurt, and stood to leave but the hand on her arm stopped her.

"Sorry. I'm sorry." Leah shook her head. "I couldn't resist. Please sit?"

JJ sighed and took up her seat once again, a pretty pissed off look on her face that she made no effort to hide.

"I was just messing you with. Look JJ, I'll be honest. If I weren't married and working in the same unit as you, I would want you like you have no idea - even having heard your somewhat embarrassing story. But being wanted isn't your issue. You're beautiful, like incredibly so. And hot, and sexy. You're a godamn FBI Agent for christ's sake. You are like... a lesbian's wet dream - _trust_ me. Your issue is that you don't even realise any of that, and because of that - because you have no idea who you really are - your confidence is shot to shit."

"And making me the butt of your joke is supposed to fix that?"

"Nope. It's supposed to make you realise that you're not that twenty-something year old who is fighting who she is anymore. You have no reason to. None, JJ." Leah's features softened for a moment as she allowed the words to sink in; before they changed abruptly as she jumped back on track. "Look, will you try it?"

"I..." JJ's shoulders curled uncomfortably.

"I'm being overbearing aren't I?" Leah grimaced. "I'm sorry, I do that sometimes. I really don't make a habit of this you know." A subtle blush crept over her cheeks as the moment and everything that she had just said in it fully settled in for her. "Being so forward with people I barely know, I mean. It's just… After what Garcia told me… You just... I duno. I'm a _fixer_. And it's not very often that I get to help someone that is so easy to help. I mean like, without having to spend weeks deciphering the bad guy before I can chase down that bad guy causing them harm. You're an easy fix." She shook her head uncomfortably, cursing herself for the probably very inappropriate conversation that had just taken place. "Just… Just think about it. I will leave you to your night and I would really, _really_ appreciate it if you didn't get me fired for like… harassment or something."

"Sit the hell down." JJ rolled her eyes, pulling Leah back into her seat like the older woman had with her just a few minutes ago. "I'm not going to get you fired. And you do realise that you just referred to me as a victim, don't you?"

"Yeeah..." Leah drawled with a relieved smile. "I guess I was hoping you wouldn't notice that."


	25. Chapter 25

**Author's Note:** I've spent so long second-guessing parts of Emily's persona in this chapter that I think I've finally come full circle to a point where any reason I could have for altering it (I had deleted a whole chunk of this a couple of days ago and replaced it with something typical and mundane before changing it back yesterday) just seems insignificant. I think my reservations came down to the fact that my readership seemed to dwindle when I decided to allow Emily to leave, as well as the fact that there really are some things that most people are incapable of understanding- that some of you will think the way I've written her is totally far-fetched/that she's jumped off the deep end entirely. I also know, however, that there'll be a few of you that _will_ fully understand it and it's for that reason that I've decided to keep this update in; unedited and in all of its 'insane' glory.

That said, I'm also not going to delve too deeply into her 'symptoms'. By that I mean that I'm not going to have her go down the path that I would encourage someone in her position to go down. I'm no psychologist and I won't pretend to be.

Anyway, for those of you who find familiarity in her persona, I hope something positive resonates with you; and those of you who don't, I hope you don't simply label her as crazy and quit reading. I promise that I haven't lost my mind/forgotten what this story was intended to be- it will still be what I set out for it to be. The only difference is that they're both searching for peace now, not just JJ, and perhaps it will be that that pulls them together in the end.

**I guess I should probably point out too:** this is _not_ a cry for help. Whilst I'm sure it is someone's truth, it is also just fiction. Jus' sayin'. ;)

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Twenty-four: Part Two: <strong>**_The Abyss_**

_"Secrets create barriers between people."_

**_- Heisenberg/Walter White (Breaking Bad)_**

**_London;_**

"This is my punishment isn't it...?" Kate panted as she ran beside Emily. "This is what I get for... for asking so many... questions? For providing you with... so many... hangover days?"

Emily said nothing, simply smiled at the clearly unfit woman beside her and darted off suddenly; leaving a now semi-keeled over brunette in her wake.

"Oh are you _serious_?" The younger woman forced as she pushed herself off of her knees to catch up with Emily; her legs like lead, her face flushed almost bright red – this was not a good look for her. "Emily Prentiss... you are... are going to... pay for this!"

"Yep. Sounds like it." Emily called back smugly as she took off around the track, already a third of a lap ahead of the younger woman. "You'll have to catch me first though."

Flopping unceremoniously onto her back exactly where she stood, Kate gave up with an unflattering groan; waved her hand in the air as much as her energy would allow in a surrendering gesture and smiled up at Emily as the older woman completed her lap and stared down at her, clearly unimpressed with her efforts. "Hey, you."

"Weakling." Emily chastised with a disapproving but amused shake of her head.

"Hey, I don't... chase bad guys every day like you." Kate reasoned, her breaths still shaky. "Well, I guess I kind of do... but that just takes brain power… and I think I exercise that enough thank you very much."

"Oh yeah?" Emily nodded patronisingly, blatantly mocking the younger woman before taking pity on her and reaching out her hand to help her up from where she'd collapsed. "Come on. I'll make it up to you."

"Urghh…" Kate grumbled as she, with Emily's assistance, dragged herself up off of the ground. "With what? Five-hundred sit-ups?"

"Oh quit complaining." Emily rolled her eyes before offering the younger woman a bottle of water that she'd left by the side of the track. "And drink this."

"This is vodka, right?" Kate looked to Emily hopefully. "_Please_ tell me its vodka."

"It's vodka." Emily responded, her face entirely serious – so serious that she could tell that just for a nano-second, the woman before her really did question whether she was telling the truth or not – before she grinned cheekily and turned to head to the locker room.

"I hate you." Kate announced, almost to herself. "I think I actually, genuinely, hate you."

"No you don't." Emily called back confidently, a smile still playing at her lips; something that she put down to the buzz that she always got from running, but a part of her knew that it had something to do with the smaller woman currently glaring into her back too – something to do with the integral and easy part of her life that she had so effortlessly become.

Her happiness in amongst her purposely ignored misery- that is what she had become. A giant ass warning sign that Emily somehow totally missed with the rush of this new drug, and missed again ten minutes later as she settled against her towel on a tiled bench and studied the blurred outline of the woman in her presence. She couldn't really tell of course - since the room was encased in a thick fog - but she was certain that the younger woman seemed a little more relaxed than she had just ten minutes ago and she smiled. Another missed warning sign, one that should have told her that she had long since past the point of nonchalance and neutrality, and now actually held some kind of care about this woman's well-being. God, she really should have seen it; and how the hell hadn't she since that was one of the major possibilities that she was so damn afraid of? How had she, in all these months that she had spent in Kate's company, not even stopped to consider or even recognise the shift within herself?

"You forgive me?" She questioned, a content smile still playing against her lips that she had no idea would contort and disappear so suddenly within a matter of minutes.

"I'm considering it." Kate returned, getting comfortable herself before bringing into question something that she had deduced in the few minutes that they'd been in here and the forty five minutes that they had been in this building. "This is one of your escapes, isn't it?"

"Um..." Emily considered the question. "I guess. Perhaps not this per se, but definitely the running. You can't quite beat how freeing it feels... Your heart pumping, good music pounding in your ears. It's pretty exhilarating. It's one of the only things these days that doesn't actually _feel_ like running away, funnily enough. It feels more like I'm running towards something."

An appreciative expression graced Kate's features as she watched the foggy outline of Emily talk so freely behind the safety of the curtain of steam. They'd come a long way, such a long way since those first days following their shared flight when she had been certain that Emily would never talk to her again. She hadn't verbalised it of course, but there were so many ways in which this friendship - or whatever it should be called - was as much to her as she was hoping that it was to the older woman. It didn't seem to be a topic that light was ever directly shed upon, and she couldn't help but feel that Emily was as grateful for that as she was. Perhaps they were closer than they should have been, but did it really matter? It wasn't like they were doing anything to put their careers in jeopardy - like they both had in their pasts. It wasn't like they were hurting people - like they both had in their pasts, also. It wasn't like they were hurting each other... So what did it _matter_?

Sometimes it was just so much simpler to allow things to just _be_; to not question them, and certainly not admit their existence- something that Kate had absolutely no idea she had already begun. Had absolutely no comprehension that in a moment that she herself had missed, something had changed and everything that had just _been_ for the past two months, was not only about to be brought into question, but to be erased entirely from existence when the answers were something that apparently neither of them could handle.

"Thank you." She whispered sincerely, wholly blind to what those almost silent words were setting in motion.

"For what?" Emily frowned.

"Letting me be a part of it."

Emily was very grateful for the steam in that instant, because she couldn't help but feel that this would be one of those moments that she'd feel even more uncomfortable in if she could make out those eyes that she knew to be looking at her with something that she didn't know what to do with – something that she didn't have the brain power to even consider what to do with right now. It wasn't romantic, but it was a bond that she was wholly certain she didn't want to break and that truth was right there, _staring_ at her in the form of Kate's final sentence. She _had_ let her be a part of it- she'd shared with her one of the only things that brought her peace these days and she hadn't even realised that she'd done such a thing.

Walls were shifting within her, locking into place elsewhere and leaving holes and gaps and clarity shining into what had been a perfect, ignorant, darkened bubble until this point. It was like a curtain had just lifted on the past two months, and now, in this blinding light, everything that had happened and was yet to come seemed so foreign, dangerous, terrifying.

Everything was contorting around her- not physically, but she could very much feel it. It was the prickling, uncomfortable heat both burning and numbing her skin; it was the heavy twist in her gut; it was the deceptive rainbows and unicorns in her mind that suddenly vanished and replaced themselves with a putrid black that dragged her down like tar, and ensured that she was about to lose a battle that she had blindly forgotten needed fighting. There wasn't a safe appeal in her shadows anymore- there weren't even any shadows in existence. No place for her and Kate to hide in ignorance. Everything was open and yet suffocating; blinded by the cruel, revealing light of day and yet darker than it had ever been- desperately questionable _and_ glaringly obvious.

It wasn't that she hadn't bothered to stop to consider their relationship and what it meant to her until this point - it was that in the midst of it, she had been entirely impervious to its power. How could someone who, officially, was a mere acquaintance, be damaging in any way? But now, as her walls shifted into action again, she found herself both clambering to pull them down and watching on happily as they formed her ever-faithful impenetrable fortress; the oxygen was being sucked out, but the almost euphoric bliss that that lack seemed to provide was one that she was already beginning to lose herself to. The light that had so abruptly been shed on her ignorance just moments ago, was now fading with each creak of brick and reinforced steel- but oddly, that didn't provide relief. It didn't provide relief at all. Because she still had the memory, still knew what she had witnessed in the clearing light- it hadn't disappeared just because she couldn't see it anymore. Her walls had returned too late, and now that they were back in place, they weren't _protecting_ her; they had imprisoned her with no defensive means, but just familiar demons that threatened to destroy her from the inside out...

...all because she fucking _cared_.

"We, um..." She spoke distractedly as she found herself no longer able to breathe in such a confined space. "We should try the hot-tub."

She was already out of the room, with an entirely stunned expression on her face, before Kate had even responded; desperately trying to find clarity in a moment that had so abruptly and cruelly abandoned her before the younger woman could recognise the disconcerting evidence of such a thing on her face. Unknowingly placing herself in a more exposed position in her quest for 'flight'; no steam to hide behind, just green eyes that were open and able, curious and threatening.

Following behind Emily and climbing in from the opposite side of the tub, Kate was preoccupied enough by the jets pumping deliciously against her muscles and the heated water soothing her skin to even notice the other woman's conflict and distance. "Okay, you are so forgiven." She grinned, her eyes still closed as she listened to the faint hum of the bubbling water, and only opened them when she didn't receive so much as a smart arse response from Emily. "What's wro-" She cut off her own words, diverted to a new topic and unwittingly became the further weight on Emily's chest as her eyes fell upon the clover-shaped scar on the older woman's breast. "Emily... What..."

She didn't need to follow Kate's gaze to know what had the smaller woman staring, but she did nonetheless- right down to the point where her bikini top had slipped just a little to reveal something that she hadn't looked at so directly in months. Her eyes glossed with tears as she found herself frozen in the moment, frantically trying to figure out what move to make here – frantically trying to figure out just who or what she was making a move _against_. In all honesty, she didn't know which question was preferable- the first that hadn't quite made it to fruition, or the one that had. But she was acutely aware that if the honest answer to the first one didn't exist - if she hadn't been subjected to such an oddly mind-fucking realisation just moments ago - then she wouldn't be struggling so much with the latter right now. It wasn't like Kate didn't _know_ about Ian Doyle- it wasn't like she had no prior knowledge of the dark places that she had been to. It was the fact that now, answering that question - or any damn question for that matter - had too much riding on it. She was trapped in a world of trust and affection, and whereas for most people that would be utterly fantastic and relieving; for Emily, it was suffocating.

It was illogical, but she was far beyond the point of recognising distorted thoughts now. Her mind quickly spiraled beyond _all_ logic, reason, clarity, and twisted and contorted into a world that made absolutely no sense. Her panicking eyes remained downcast but wide, and as she found herself unable to find any easy way out, she scratched and clawed and made her own, choosing the flight option; stood abruptly and left that tub, that room, disappearing somewhere down a corridor before Kate could even stand.

In one swift moment, something that had been so easy and simple had become something far too complex. She had no room for it; her mind was already reaching for the self-destruct button and the erase button simultaneously. Though, they were one in the same- except one presented itself in the option of turning that unwanted, intimate moment into something more destructively intimate and numbing, and the other presented itself as, well, this… fleeing in forced-nonchalance. A small, fading part of her was grateful and somewhat proud that she hadn't chosen the first option like she had in the past - like she had with JJ in that supply closet many months ago - but both were seemingly far more preferable to simply _caring_.

"Em..." Kate yelled quietly. She'd seen probably two other people since they had arrived here a little over an hour ago, but it was a nice place - a _really_ nice place – and she half expected there to be a no yelling, no talking, no breathing sign somewhere. "Emily..." Several more steps and a turned corner, and she found the older woman quickly pulling on her clothes over her wet bikini. "Emily, wait... Please. I didn't mean to, I mean... I didn't know-"

"It's not a big deal." Emily spoke distantly as she grabbed the rest of her things from her locker and began shoving them into her bag. It clearly was a big deal - a huge fucking deal - but not for the reasons that Kate probably thought. It was nothing to do with Ian Doyle, and everything to do with her. Everything to do with her fucked up mind that seemed to have the emotional capacity of a flea.

"The case with Ian Doyle doesn't haunt you like you think it should and that's why it's difficult for you, isn't it?" Kate guessed - actually not wrong at all with her assumptions, but way, way off the mark too. "I get that, Emily. I get spending so long in the darkness that at some point, you begin to enjoy it and need it. Perhaps that's why I allowed myself to fall deeper into my... well, whatever it was with Amy." She sighed and shook her head uncomfortably as she, for the first time, divulged real, substantial information about her own demons- completely clueless to the fact that she had chosen very much the wrong time to allow her own walls to slip. "I think I enjoyed torturing myself because I was certain that I deserved it. But more importantly, because it made me feel _alive_. I just didn't realise that that knowledge, that that whole experience, would one day ensure that I was really nothing more than that- alive, but not living. Actually, afraid to live because to me... living either meant blinding myself with false security only to have the ground ripped out from beneath me, or just as blindly allowing the devil on my shoulder to convince me that it was good for me."

Emily's jaw clenched as she stared at nothing in particular on the far wall; her heart thumping as doors swung open in her mind and she fought to shove the contents back where they belonged before it was too late. But it was already too late. Perhaps, if this moment had been different, she would have found gratitude in the younger woman's words- perhaps if she had been differently wired and significantly more like a normal human-being, she wouldn't be panicking at the mere sound of what was actually understanding, compassion, empathy. _Friendship_.

She was split in two, torn between wanting to run, or turn and hug this woman in relief; take a risk with something she was most terrified of, and fully succumb to the feel of the weight that she had carried all these years slipping from her shoulders. But without that weight, would she even be able to stand anymore? If she handed herself over to her fears, would she find herself cursing the day that she ever met Katherine Chandler in several months' time?

Which is why, as she snapped back into reality and continued nonchalantly gathering her things to leave, Emily took the safest option; her face blank and disinterested like the past fifteen minutes – the past _two months_ - had literally not taken place. She was like a whole other person, and even she wasn't blind enough to miss the look in the other woman's eyes as she offered her lame and unfair closing statement. "Look, perhaps it's better that we just don't do this anymore. It was nice getting to know you but…" She shrugged- she actually fucking shrugged to add credence to her neutrality towards whatever happened from here, and the hatred she felt for herself coursing through her veins turned to lava that numbed more than it burnt. "Well, whatever." _Whatever? Are you **twelve**, Emily?_

"Um..." Kate blinked and looked down, more than a little taken aback by Emily's response; but given that she was wired very much the same as the older woman, instincts kicked in and that dejected surprise faded into nonchalance that was very much intended to give Emily's a run for its money. "Yeah, sure. If that's what you want."

"It is."

And she was gone. Just like that, she had found the off switch that many, many people long to hold in such a moment and flicked it; shut down the feelings that she found herself with for this younger woman, and walked out of that building like she had just opened a new door rather than closed one. Like her world was now open to freeing possibilities, rather than closed to the one thing that may have just set her free.

**CM-CM-CM**

She almost jumped with the quiet click of her front door as it closed behind her; the sound so oddly loud and penetrating that it caused her to wince. Of course, it wasn't the sound at all- it was the eerie silence in her mind that it had pierced through like a bullet. It was the total emptiness that she honestly could not work out if she welcomed or despised for what it represented. She'd felt wholly like she'd won first prize in the ending that had taken place back at the gym, but now it didn't feel like a prize at all... It felt more like one of those medals given to everyone who had taken part, for just merely existing, and she already had pile upon pile of those.

Tossing her keys into the bowl by her door, Emily followed through to the lounge and allowed herself to sink back against the cushions of her couch; flicked mindlessly through the TV channels like she would actually sit and watch a full show even if she found one remotely appealing. But she was in such a numb trance right now that she probably couldn't move if she tried. The volume was muted- it always was in these moments. The moment that she had arrived at far more times than she had ever been willing to admit until now. How many times _had_ she done this? How many times had she slammed on the breaks long before the journey was over because she couldn't face the possibility of what she _may_ find at the end?

She was certain that she should feel some kind of remorse, feel some kind of anything- but perhaps the emptiness _was_ her feeling. It represented her soul shaking its head at her in disappointment, packing up its bags and abandoning her; and just as she'd learned with Hotch all those months ago, disappointment really was the worst kind of reprimand.

The TV settled on a show, one with a character who was spiraling far worse than herself. His appearance was a comfort and she kept the volume on silent as she pulled her knees up against her chest and studied the dude with eerie chaos in his eyes with familiarity. She couldn't hear what he was saying to the blonde in his company, but she didn't need to- she knew that it was a lie. One to keep up the façade around his somewhat self-created turmoil. She recognised the silent desperation in his eyes, the already-lost war that he was waging against the wrong people, the emotional distance between the two people on screen that she was certain _he_ had inadvertently created in his quest for something better.

The road to hell was paved with good intentions- and didn't she have a ton of those lining her path until this point too?

She couldn't help but feel that she was supposed to hate the protagonist that she was examining through her profiling eyes, but she didn't. She actually felt bad for him- pitied his naivety that was still telling him that he could have normalcy _and_ distance; a pretence that she had so recently realised was a lie. Having both wasn't an option, and if he was as cowardly as her, he'd eventually choose the latter or it would simply win out anyway. With no one to intervene – something that she had assured in both of her recent departures - it always did.

For the next thirty minutes she observed him in silence as the light from the TV bounced off of her face and cast shadows around her otherwise darkened living room. It was the dark, peaceful bubble that she had been trying to retrieve back in that small room two hours ago. It was right there, hers once again and yet somehow, in that moment, it just didn't feel right. It felt empty where it had once felt safe; it felt scary where it had once felt soothing; it felt unsatisfying where it had once been her main source of comfort. It felt more like insane and fruitless repetition- this aftermath was something that she always came to in her journey, but it never was what she had initially strove for. Yet she constantly found herself back there- three steps forward and ten steps back.

Then one more, then one more, then one more until she barely recogised her surroundings.

She didn't _want_ that anymore. She wanted the normality that she knew the guy she had just been studying didn't get in the end- she didn't want to wind up bleeding out on a warehouse floor with nothing left in her wake except the destruction that overshadowed any good, like she knew it ended for him. She wanted her own life, one that wasn't dictated by an enemy that she couldn't see or touch or even really fight. And with that thought, a sudden glimmer of hope arose in Emily. It was clarity and bravery all rolled into one. But before she could hop up off of that couch and go get the girl, or girls, or people, that she loved - the ones that stood like angels at the end of her dark tunnel - the spark of hope caught fire elsewhere and turned into something so suddenly dangerous and intense.

Because she'd forgotten. For a moment, she'd forgotten that she _couldn't_ have that. Emily Prentiss didn't get to experience normal. Emily Prentiss was _incapable_ of normal and the hope that had just lifted her had now slammed her back to Earth; nothing more than a cruel joke that, once the initial winding sensation had ebbed, finally settled as a mere niggle in her gut.

But Emily knew that niggle, remembered so suddenly that it was up to no good, that it really wasn't just a niggle at all and her whole body froze in fear. How had she _forgotten_ that? How had she missed the signs? She could feel her skin pulsating along with her heartbeat, the warming burn that settled across every inch of it as she shivered at the realisation. If only she had stopped. If only she had quit over-thinking ten minutes ago and just allowed herself to bathe in the freeing solitude that she had found in the moment that she'd shunned Kate- if only she hadn't ventured down the path of what ifs. Because now those what ifs were spiraling, twisting, tightening. The certainties that had once told her that she needed to spend her entire life in solitude were actually working against her; prodding her and taunting, pushing her to do something that they themselves had left her afraid of. They suddenly wanted her to open up her world, let it see the monster she really was no matter what the repercussions were and declining didn't seem to be an option.

She knew that feeling and she leant forward with an unsteady breath; her fingers gripping at the lip of her couch as she tried to breathe through it- take control of it before it was too late. But in that moment, there was ignoring the fact that her off switch hadn't been an off switch at all- it had been an _on_-switch for something far worse. Something she hadn't felt in over three damn years, and had stupidly believed she would never feel again.

Her heart thumped as she quickly shut off the TV and pulled her legs to her chest again in defense- there had been no sound on the television of course and yet somehow it had still been far too loud. Perhaps if she had utter, _still_ silence in this room, she could place logic and order back into her mind again. But it didn't make the blindest bit of difference.

Her stomach twisted, swooped and dropped in ways that it hadn't in months, years even, as her breaths fell as almost desperate pants. She wanted to cry, and vomit, and breathe, and laugh, and run, and fall, and she couldn't do either- it all sat knotted and twisting somewhere in her torso, swelling and swelling until it spread throughout her whole body. Everything was speeding by and yet not moving fast enough; she felt like she'd drank twenty cups of coffee and even her thoughts were feeling the effects- flicking erratically like a dying light bulb, sparking like a broken power line and illuminating only in brief flashes and glimpses of everything and nothing. Nothing she could fully grasp ahold of, at least.

She was lost now- by herself and _to_ herself. It was odd, almost like she was watching herself morph into something unrecognisable. Like the logical Emily, the _normal_ Emily, was looking down at herself and yelling at her that she was being ridiculous- only, she couldn't really hear the sound. This other sound was far too loud and nothing, absolutely nothing, steadied her, settled her malfunctioning mind or calmed her erratic demeanour. She was sat wholly still but inside her mind was flailing and fighting, pushing and pulling in all directions like she was being jostled around a crowd; only the crowd was her own mind, and the shoving and bustling was the responsibility of an invisible enemy that had settled there like a parasite.

How do you fight the invisible? But she'd try, and she did try. In vain, she'd tried so damn hard to stop the noise and the silence; her fingers tangled in her hair and clawing at her skull like a mental patient. Ironically, still unable to admit that maybe that is what she was. A patient without a doctor, the diseased without the medicine. And it was her _own_ doing- both the fact that she was back here, and the fact that she was back here _alone_.

But before she had the chance to wander down that path of self-pitying, punishing and conflicting thoughts; it started- the next part of this movie, the scene that erased any remaining questions of what this was, the plot twist that calmed her erratic-ness to a once again blank stare whilst her skin hummed on with a throbbing and yet soothing burn. Soothing because it was now the only thing that she could feel. In one fell swoop she had jumped so suddenly back to nothing – far more nothing than she had felt when she returned home fourty-five minutes ago - and as her mind cleared she realised that she needed the noise back. The noise at least meant that she was still fighting, still had the fight _left in her_- the silence though, marked a victory that was not her own.

With a foggy mind that seemed oddly clear, full thoughts now came into view. One after each other like a marching band of freaks they strode out from the darkness and filtered through the light; contaminated it with the twisted and depraved, the contradictory and the illogically logical, the questionable and the uncertainly certain.

There really was no pretending what this was anymore, but she never remembered it being this bad. Of course she wouldn't though, because she hadn't learnt from the last time. She'd found her way out back then and simply shoved it the experience into one her many boxes; naively assumed herself invincible, indestructible, and convinced herself that she'd won. That her silent enemy would never return to wreak havoc.

She was her own worst enemy. She'd allowed the scales to tip too far- lost the balance that she needed to get through the day like a normal human-being, and now the cogs and springs of that balance scattered around her tauntingly; laughing in her face as she found herself in a sea of nothing. She had gone from feeling absolutely everything, to feeling absolutely nothing in the blink of an eye- and she genuinely wasn't sure in that moment which side of the scale was worse, or which side she had really fallen on.

For hours she ran on fumes; clung to the last tendrils of strength that she had, clung to the 'normal Emily' that she could vaguely make out in the black around her, in the hopes of catching this before it was too late- completely unaware and yet wholly certain that it already _was_ too late. She wandered the house like a zombie; filled each room with music as loud as she could get away with if only to create some noise to replace the dangerous silence in her mind, and then silenced it when it had a backwards effect. She tried to clean- perhaps she could pretend that the semi-mess in her house was the mess in her mind. Perhaps if she could clean that, tidy that, it would fix those invisible forces too but her energy was waning. And it was only when she slumped down on her bed several hours later that she noticed it; the pain in her wrists that, when she looked down, represented the bright white of her knuckles and fists so tightly clenched that they looked fit to burst- the tiny crescent shaped indentations in her palm when she forced her fingers open that told her that she truly had lost the fight. That she truly was clinging to nothing.

She silenced her phone, shut out the world and pulled the covers over her head; laid there in the darkness with her eyes tight shut like that would force sleep and a few hours reprieve from what she was now certain was the inevitable. Her mind ran with memories of the last time- the last time that she had lost herself to this dark place; memories of the torment and the torture, the damage and the chaos that it had inflicted and left, and the energy that it had taken to win.

But she didn't have that energy this time. She didn't have the energy to do that again.

"No. No, please. Not again." She willed aloud to herself as she shoved back the covers with once again tightly clenched fists - her jaw locked and her heart aching as the fact that she was talking to herself truly settled in her mind. The fact that told her that she truly had crossed the line of sanity, that it wasn't fair, that she hadn't done anything to deserve this- that she had never realised that she was this weak, this fragile. That she truly was only ever one emotion away from insanity, and that that line had probably been crossed a long time ago; she had simply been clinging to it and willing it not to be so.

But this, the right now, was the bottom of an abyss that most people didn't even realise they were lucky enough to never know, witness, experience. She envied those people and the mundane life they had no clue was a damn gift. She pitied herself like she pitied the elderly woman on the bus who talks to anyone who will listen; she hated herself like she was some kind of monster; she feared herself for the same reason. She felt alone _and_ lonely; realised that she had felt that way for far longer than she had paid attention to.

It had never been a change in JJ that had kept her awake at night back in DC, it was never something missing from her relationship with her that left her feeling empty- it had been something missing from within _herself_. It was the fact that she felt so damn alone in a room full of people that loved her; it was the fact that that was her own fault for keeping everyone, including JJ, at arm's length, for choosing to fight herself alone, for not giving them the opportunity to love her, for not trusting that they would understand because whilst love was sometimes strong enough to blind, it was also, when given the chance, strong enough to place understanding in something entirely illogical.

And now it was too late. So she squeezed her eyes tighter shut and conceded her defeat- only this time, somewhere in the flashes of light behind her eyelids, something emerged...

No, she didn't have the energy to do this again. But perhaps she didn't need to. Perhaps - just like the last time - her energy reserve to win the war was elsewhere. Perhaps she should have considered what she was about to do- and 'normal' Emily would have. In fact, normal Emily probably would have sat there for hours deliberating such a thing until sleep took over, but this Emily didn't have hours. To this Emily, one full second felt like one full life time.

"I'm not doing this again." She shook her head quickly, almost frantically as she grabbed her phone; her body's tension moving from her fists to the muscles in her arms as she unclenched her fingers. "I'm not going there again." She repeated the mantra over and over in her mind like that alone might stop… _this_. "Please answer..." She gripped the phone hard in her palm, her other hand clutching at her shirt as she focussed mentally on each ring; silently begging that the recipient would both answer and ignore the call. "Please..."

**CM-CM-CM**

**_Virginia:_**

JJ stared into darkness and chewed the inside of her lip as Leah's advice ran through her mind like a song on loop. Henry was with Reid, her phone was silenced, there were absolutely no interruptions to speak of... except the one in her own mind. The last time she had allowed herself to go there, to _feel_ herself as Leah had put it, she had wound up falling asleep feeling completely broken and shattered; her heart in tatters as result of the reminder that she herself had forced- those fingers, those fingers causing her great pleasure, would never again be Emily's, and because of that, they had wound up causing her great pain.

And just like then, such a reminder brought with it unbearable guilt.

She wasn't stupid- she knew that if you got down to technicalities, it was somewhat understandable the path that she had taken and thus, lead Emily and the people she loved down. But that didn't change the fact that it had cost her in a big way, cost her family in a big way, had cost Emily in a way that she would probably never fully comprehend.

She didn't _want_ to be laying in the dark bringing herself to euphoria... she wanted to be in the light, doing such a thing for Emily and studying each minute flicker in those beautiful, big dark eyes as she did so. She wanted to feel Emily's arousal flood her fingers, the laboured breaths to be a combination of both of them; she wanted to ghost her hand over pale skin and watch in awe as goosebumps arose in its wake. She wanted to make Emily tremble and quake, to reduce her to a quivering wreck right before pushing her over that exquisite edge into a world were whimpers and cries were the only sound that bathed her ears. She wanted to breathe 'I love you' against her lips as she came, press her forehead to one slick with sweat as she moved with the brunette through her orgasm and make silent promises to never hurt her again, because at this point, the idea of such a thing hurt far worse than the knowledge that her mother hated her.

She didn't want to lay in the darkness on her own and search for heaven - she wanted to dance in the light with Emily and _experience_ it.

But there was no denying that it was there - the wetness between her thighs left by the vivid images that she had, for the first time in a very long time, allowed herself to paint in her mind - and her breath hitched with utter relief as she finally, tentatively allowed her fingertip to graze over a now aching clit; the fingers of her free hand gripping into the sheets beneath her as she circled that finger, slowly, teasingly beneath the comforter, following the exquisite, writhing images of the woman she loved in her mind. Perhaps she really shouldn't be thinking of Emily in that way, perhaps she had long lost that right, but it truly was fucking beautiful, and just for a moment, she was able to believe that maybe one day, she would hold that right again.

Maybe one day, she would again be given the opportunity to witness such beauty- only then, she would not waste it, not even a second of it.

It wasn't long before the thin material of her strangely very restricting panties became too much to bear- they had to go. However, as she used her free hand to shove away the comforter, as her blue eyes opened briefly in her process of kicking it away, they caught sight of the brightened corner of her bedroom, the source of the light coming from her nightstand.

"God dammit." She muttered to herself, knowing that she couldn't possibly ignore it in case it was Reid. The last time he had called her at this hour when he was taking care of Henry, it was because the small boy had a fever of 104 and she'd already done enough to shove her son aside when it came to the issue of her sexuality- she wasn't going to do that again.

Pushing herself up onto her elbow, JJ squinted as she lifted her phone and caused the bright light emanating from it to blur her vision; unconsciously taking a glance at the time in the top corner before she even fully recognised the caller ID. But when she did, the fact that it was almost 11pm didn't even register in her mind. In fact, only one damn thing registered in her mind as her no longer squinting eyes widened. _Emily..._

She was conscious now; fully snapped from her aroused state and sat up in bed as she answered the call with a racing heart and an equally buzzing mind. However, when a full ten seconds past without so much as a breath on the other end of the line, she was all but resigned to the fact that it must have been a mistaken call...

Resigned to that until she heard a faint sniffle and suddenly her heart sank further than it would have _had_ it been a mistaken call; her next question rhetorical really because she already knew- she knew this movie because she'd seen it before, because she'd even played a supporting role in it before...

"It's happening again... isn't it?"


	26. Chapter 26

**Author's Note:** It seems brevity isn't my strong point- another fairly long chapter here but it _should_ be the last one.

Also, turns out that I almost killed Henry in my last chapter with his 104 temperature. My wife tells me that isn't just dangerous, it's dying-brain-cells dangerous. Reason #576 why I should never have children. ;)

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Twenty-Five: <em>Your Mind Is Playing Tricks On You, My Dear<em>**

"_There's an old voice in my head that's, holding me back-"_

**_Three and a half years ago;_**

_"Three victims were found in barrels this morning along the outskirts of an abandoned farm." Hotch explained to his team as well as the local PD. "Each have lacerations to the wrists and throat, and each show signs of rape. It definitely seems like our guy."_

_"Were there any..."_

_Spencer's voice faded from JJ's ears as, for the third time that week, she noticed it. It was minute, barely even recogniseable– even to a profiler's eyes. In fact, it was so well concealed that she did wonder briefly if she had even seen it at all, and when Morgan directly addressed her, it was once again pushed to the back of her mind._

_"Uh, yeah." She pulled her attention away from Emily and answered her colleague's query. "We ruled out the football coach. We're leaning more now towards a Mr. Don Anderson. The former coach of the team who was fired for misconduct back in '98."_

_"Great. You and Emily run with that. Morgan and..."_

_Hotch's voice became a distant memory as her and Emily left the precinct; her eyes firmly focused on the older woman's hands as she purposely trailed a little behind her. The elegant poise that she had come to love about them seemed non-existent now, though still mildly present in a manner that seemed discreetly forced. It was subtle, so subtle, but with all elegance and grace stripped away, the overriding image of them – at least to her – seemed to be one of anxious preparation and hardened control. It was almost like the brunette was trying to keep herself steady, gripping onto something that wasn't actually, physically there. And then there was the index finger; the one scratching furiously against the curve of her thumb like she was punishing herself for something._

_The small oddities that quite simply weren't Emily subtly made their presence known for the remainder of that day - the forced smile and polite responses that to the untrained eye were appropriate, but to JJ seemed like no more than autopilot; the glazed, distant and yet busy eyes that she caught when the brunette thought no one was looking; the locked jaw framed by twitching lips that made her wonder what damage those brilliantly white teeth were causing to the flesh on the inside; the unexpected smiles that actually seemed genuine, like Emily had reached some kind of understanding with the demons inside her mind and was able to truly feel content again, but were brief and infrequent - and it was actually what occurred later that evening that stopped JJ in her tracks and pushed her to address something that had put every profiling skill she had ever acquired to the test._

_"I rented us a movie. And room service will be here shortly. Dead cow for you, of course." She winked playfully, fully expecting the typical reaction of a witty, grotesque retort from Emily and was wholly caught off guard when all she received was something lifeless but harsh._

_"That's nice of you, but I'm sure the victims won't appreciate us relaxing while their killer is still out there."_

_There was a bitterness in Emily's voice that stunned JJ; something accusatory that actually managed to make her feel guilty despite being semi-sure somewhere deep down that the older woman could never have meant anything malicious by it- could she? Emily wasn't like that... was she? It took all her strength to read between the lines, to see that maybe there was so much more to this than just a bad day; more to this than she could even _begin_ to see right now. So when Emily, her face blank and her eyes distant, brushed by the bed to leave the room, she grabbed her arm to stop her progress._

_"Emily..." The older woman's whole body tensed instantly at her touch, like she'd been burned or cut; she could feel it beneath her fingertips as she pushed herself up off of the bed to stand directly in front of her, a subtle frown playing on her face as she tried to decipher the odd nuance. "Em... talk to me. What is it?"_

_"Please don't." Emily's eyes became frantic as she fought to look anywhere but directly at JJ; her fingers going up unconsciously to scratch at her neck– an action that she didn't even recognise until the blonde's hands stopped her own and the concern in deep blue eyes told her of the dark red mark that she had inflicted against her own pale skin. _

_She pulled her hands back, settling them unconsciously into fists at her sides as her stomach twisted and contorted with anticipation of the control that she knew was waning, as her chest crushed in on itself and she frantically rushed to find something to tether her. But when comforting hands reached up to soothe her again, she snapped- "Goddamnit, JJ. Why can't you just leave it?" -the flight _and_ fight option seeming so much more appealing than answering the posed question- a question that she couldn't even bring herself to concoct a lie for right now. _

_Perhaps a part of her wanted to give the truth. No, she really _did_ want to give the truth, for this burden to be lifted and exposed for what it was; defeated by logic that she herself no longer possessed. And just how much she wanted that - accompanied by the knowledge that there were some things that most people were incapable of understanding - left her with no desire to even bother lying. JJ would see that lie and probe further, and she herself would hate having told it so instead she opted to cut her losses and walk away before this whole thing turned into the apocalypse that it already was. "There are _five_ people dead. I don't have time to chat or watch a dumb movie with you. Accept that. Goodnight."_

_She knew the hurt was obvious in her eyes, made no attempts to hide it as she allowed Emily to leave and proceeded to spend the next few hours drowning in that ocean of self-pity that she had been trying to avoid; questioning repeatedly what she had done to cause Emily to not even want to be in the same room as her, let alone enjoy down time with her like they had become accustomed to over the past several months. What had suddenly changed? She could have sworn that Emily was happy just a few days ago, really happy, and now... Well it was like she didn't know this woman at all and honestly, she probably didn't- not if the subtleties of the past few days or the animosity that had just been tossed her way were anything to go by._

"It's okay, Emily. It's okay. You're okay."

Allowing herself to sink back against her pillows, JJ lay on her side and cradled the phone against her ear as though she was cradling Emily's head; repeated the same sentiment over and over again and waited for... well, she just waited. Waited like she had all those years ago when she was certain that Emily hated her- waited to address such a thing before it was too late to rectify, only to be entirely caught off guard when Emily didn't return at all. When she had learnt the following day that the brunette had gotten her own room that night and by the time that she had returned to work following the case, Emily was nowhere to be found. Somewhat similar to how she was caught off guard right now, but the difference was that this time she knew; this time she knew because she had been to that inexplicable dark place with Emily, and this time she would get it right the _first_ time.

_"Where's Emily?" JJ questioned with a frown as she wandered into the bullpen._

_"Uh, sick. I think." Reid spoke distractedly. "Ya know, I did tell her that-"_

_"Thanks Reid." JJ responded in preoccupied panic, heading immediately to her office to make a call. _

_But when that call was ignored once, twice, seven times, she found herself jumping between concern, fear, and anger. She couldn't seem to work out if she did indeed have reason to be worried, or if Emily was still shutting her out for reasons that she still couldn't place- reasons that, through her own paranoia, left her wondering if it was entirely down to her, if she had done something. Which was probably why she left it- why she physically did nothing to reach out to the older woman, but instead spent every second thinking about it._

_Until two days later... Two days later when Emily _still_ wasn't back at work, concern won out and instead of making a left in the direction of home, she took a right to the older woman's apartment. This wasn't like Emily. That woman would come to work with her entire body in a cast if she could, and yet she wasn't there. It was like she had disappeared off of the face of the earth, and when she saw her for the first time in almost a week, she realised that she really kind of had..._

_"Emily..." The concern was evident in her voice as a frail looking brunette answered the door; a flicker of panic in those once alluringly dark eyes the only real lifelike expression anywhere on her form._

_She could see options being weighed, regret for opening the door, and a desperate attempt to recover any assumptions that her far from immaculate exterior had caused. But there was no hiding the fact that her body hung like she hadn't eaten in weeks, that her eyes were dull and lifeless and as those eyes fell to the ground, JJ witnessed the very moment that Emily lost her fight with whatever unseen demon she was and had been battling._

_Stepping inside without hesitation and wrapping her arm around a trim waist, JJ kicked the door closed and didn't say a word; lead Emily back to bed and didn't say a word; laid down beside her and pulled her to her chest and didn't say a word. In fact, it was only after several minutes of silence, several minutes of her stroking her hand through unwashed clumps of dull hair, several minutes of waiting for Emily to get there at her own pace that sound finally permeated the room- in the hum of gentle sobs and erratic breaths, in the lullaby of her own repeated words._

_"It's okay, Emily. It's okay. You're okay."_

"I don't wana be here again." Emily shook her head, feeling just as pathetic as she probably looked. "I don't have the energy to do this again."

"I know, baby." JJ soothed, only briefly questioning her term of endearment as her heart broke for the tone that Emily's words had ridden on- the tone that she found instant familiarity in and yet still felt so foreign that it was almost painful. "I know. But you do have the energy, because you have my energy. You have me."

Emily didn't say a word. In fact, there was no sound at all other than labored breaths that told JJ just how bad this was, the point that it had gotten to and a part of her was angry. Why hadn't Emily told her before now? Of course, the answer was instant- why _would_ she have told her before now? Tears burnt at her eyes as she brushed her thumb over the phone, imagined that it was Emily's hair that she was soothing and cut right to the chase- the chase that she had found many years ago to be Emily's calm in amongst her chaos. "What would you like to talk about?"

_"It's not okay." Emily sniffled into JJ's chest and fought to get away- pride and stubbornness finally breaking through her vulnerability. "This is _not_ okay!"_

_"Emily- Em-" JJ tried as she wrapped her arms tighter around the protesting brunette, refusing to let go as the older woman pushed and shoved until finally her efforts ceased and sobs were a prominent sound in the room once again. Only this time, when those sobs eased, it was different words that left her lips and a very unexpected response that came her way. "When was the last time you ate?"_

_"Please don't make me eat." Emily's eyes shot to JJ,  
>wide and wild.<em>

_Her heart shattered. Is that what this was? An eating disorder of some variety? You'd think so by the utter panic in Emily's eyes at the mere mention of food, but she couldn't help but feel that it was more than that. "I won't..." She shook her head softly; her gentle, inquisitive eyes scanning Emily's face for any indication of what she needed, what was wrong. "I won't, but I need you to talk to me..." Pushing herself up onto her elbow, JJ brushed back Emily's hair and left her eyes open and readable; something that she hoped would comfort the older woman enough into trusting that she really could talk to her, share with her whatever burden was weighing heavily on her shoulders. "Can you do that?"_

_Emily stared for a moment, searching for the lie in JJ's eyes but came up short. She wasn't sure if that was because she was so desperate in this moment or because she really could trust the blonde's words- she had long passed the point of trusting her own judgment. And when she finally spoke, her voice was soft and low, ashamed and broken. "Have you ever been afraid of your own mind? Have you ever lost all control of your own thoughts and logic to the point where you really don't trust yourself anymore?"_

_JJ studied Emily with sad eyes, wanting so badly to say yes, that she totally understood; but she didn't, not really- something that Emily saw very easily._

_"It's ridiculous. Nevermind." Emily smiled as she stood from the bed and rubbed her temples fiercely; her whole body shaking though, true to form, she tried to hide it. "It's fine. I'm fine. I'll be back at work tomorrow, so you can leave now."_

_JJ didn't move an inch- the distinct lack of any effort at all in  
>Emily's entirely unbelievable statement telling her that the older woman needed her now more than ever. No, she didn't understand. But she would try her damned hardest to.<em>

"T-tell me..." Emily stuttered, trying to clear the tears that were restricting her words. "Tell me- ab-bout your day."

"My day... Um..." JJ looked to the ceiling as she tried to find something interesting to say- something that wouldn't trigger any further messy thoughts within Emily's what-she-knew-to-be already chaotic mind. Something mindless; exactly what she knew she needed. Because she wasn't blind to the fact that whilst there was chaos elsewhere when it came to the two of them – chaos that most definitely needed some kind of attention – now was not the time. "I went to the range. Only missed one shot."

"Did you hit the eight?"

"Ahh, the elusive eight." JJ grinned as she remembered the last time that she went shooting with Emily, and that damn purple eight that she just couldn't seem to hit. "Would you believe me if I told you I did?"

"Not at all."

A soft but somehow rich and genuine laugh hummed through the small speaker of her phone and JJ closed her eyes to savour it. It wasn't fixed - it wasn't fixed by any means - but that small sound told her that there was still hope to pull Emily from the place that she had wandered to again. "I guess I shouldn't even try to fool you then, huh?"

"You can try... It just probably won't work." Emily responded playfully, tears still present in her eyes but the feeling in her chest was amazing. It was ignorance, she knew, but it was also peace. "I work for Interpol now, dontcha know."

_"Here, throw this on." JJ offered as she pulled off her jacket and tossed it to Emily; completely bypassing any lame efforts that the older woman had made to get her out of her apartment._

_"W-why?" Emily stammered as she, by pure instinct, caught the garment._

_"Because I'm taking you for a drive and it's pretty cold outside."_

_"JJ, I have my own clothing ya know." Emily shook her head in misplaced frustration. "Just because I look like it right now, I'm not actually homeless."_

_"I know… but this one smells of someone who cares about you." She spoke sincerely, briefly curious about the wandering gaze that her words caused before it faded to the back of her mind. "Let me be there for you, Emily."_

"Are they taking care of you?"

Emily shifted uncomfortably- knowing that JJ was probably alluding to something more substantial than the contents of her office or her pay grade. But then, maybe she wasn't. Maybe she was giving her exactly what she needed even without her asking for it, and such a realisation caused a small part of her heart, the part that had carried JJ all these years, to seemingly beat on its own; to warm in a way that soothed rather than pained. "I have a lengthy, unobscured view of the London skyline, and flags. _Flags_, JJ. Like I'm… Like really important or something."

JJ chuckled into the phone, giving her response before she could even think about it. "You _are_ important, Emily." Of course, once it was out there, her only options were to turn it into a joke or let the implications smother the conversation- and the last thing she wanted was for Emily to disappear again. "I think I need to have words with Hotch. I want some damn flags."

Emily smiled, grateful that JJ couldn't see the look in her eyes because it was one that held so many truths. And she opted to ride the jovial train too- one that would take them far away from here and bring them right back too, but the journey would at least be easy, safe, tranquil. "Nope." She shook her head. "You don't get flags."

"Why the hell not?" JJ threw up her hand as though Emily could see.

"I haven't thought of a plausible reason yet…" A soft and oddly relaxed laugh accompanied the brunette's words as they trailed off. "I will though. I'm sure there is one."

_The streetlights flicked by and flashed in passing dashes against the brunette's exhausted features; briefly and sporadically illuminated dark eyes that looked to be rifling through literally everything they had ever been witness to._

_"Hey..." JJ reached out and placed her hand lightly against Emily's; unintentionally causing the older woman to flinch like she had just been struck. "Where did you go?"_

_"Nowhere." Emily's answer was instant, as was the fake smile splashed against her mouth so uncomfortably that it almost looked as though her face was going to crack. "Where are we going?"_

_JJ frowned, still struggling to figure out the right direction into Emily's mind. "We're going to a place where you can breathe again." She responded as she turned a corner towards a quiet parking lot beside a lake- the difficulty that such serenity seemed to cast in Emily's eyes causing her to flick on the car radio and leave it at a quiet hum, and she smiled as she watched that conflict in dark brown erase somewhat. Her initial thought had been that if Emily's mind was chaotic, perhaps she needed silence- she realised now, though, that there were different kinds of silence, different levels of tranquility that sometimes, were far louder than glaring sound. Shutting off the engine but leaving the radio playing, she turned to Emily with a question. "What would you like for Christmas?"_

_"_What_?" Emily frowned instantly, feeling entirely like she had missed a huge chunk of the conversation. Why the hell was JJ asking such a question when Christmas had not only just passed, but also when there were clearly different and more pressing matters at hand here? What game was she playing? Perhaps she just didn't give any kind of care to the state she was in. Perhaps those few seconds where she had thought that JJ may be her safety net – the safety net that she detested ever needing - were stupidly misread, because evidently she had no intention of helping. The only 'helping' that was going to occur here was with her damn premature Christmas list. _

_The logic was paranoid and distorted and went against everything she knew about the younger woman; but before Emily could recognise that, JJ spoke again and unknowingly eased her irrational certainties._

_JJ shrugged. "I'd like to discuss what you'd like for Christmas." She brushed her hand along the brunette's arm when the confused look on her face didn't alter. "I'm no profiler Emily, not really, but I've been watching you for the past hour, and I think you need something mind-numbing, if only for twenty minutes. You need to breathe again so that you can filter some logic into everything that is leaving you so unraveled right now. So... what would you like for Christmas?"_

It was almost two hours later when JJ finally felt that Emily was in a place to take her questions- the ones that would uncover the trigger that had thrown her back into this world. They'd talked about everything and yet nothing, and whilst she was at least vaguely certain of what had caused her unraveling once again, she needed Emily to see it too.

"What lead you back here, Emily?" The silence on the other end of the line was deafening; the one that told her that Emily probably did already know in some imprecise fashion what had caused this and more than that, likely felt somewhat foolish for allowing it to happen again. Her instinct was to stop this part of the conversation before it even began, to metaphorically wrap Emily up in her arms and shield her from the truths that had broken her in the first place- but she knew she couldn't. No, she had to help Emily see that sometimes, yes, she really was her own worst enemy- but she didn't have to be. "Tell me, Emily. You know the answer to this question."

Emily sighed heavily before she gave her answer. She hated how vulnerable she was, but in that moment ignorance wasn't possible. Being vulnerable to JJ was far less dangerous than ending the call and allowing herself to be vulnerable to _herself_. "I... I run myself into the ground. I ignored the warning signs and lost the balance. I allowed myself to think I'm invincible, and therefore allowed everything I knew and everything that kept me steady to change so drastically."

That's when something clicked for JJ and her heart sank- _she_ was the cause of this. She was the reason that Emily's routine had changed so drastically. She was what had pushed her to such an intense twist and contortion of mentality that she had found herself here. _She_ did this. Genuine tears glossed her eyes- not tears of self-pity, but tears that – for what it was even worth these days – told her that hurting Emily was far worse than the pain she had felt in her own heartbreak in recent months. "I'm... I'm so sorry, Emily."

"No." Emily's response was instant and solid- that was exactly the one thing that she hadn't wanted from this phone call. "This isn't down to you. I mean, yes it... Perhaps it is a factor, but there are always going to be things that disrupt the balance, JJ. You couldn't have wrapped me in cotton wool simply to protect me from myself. You weren't ready to be committed to us and I... well, I chose to leave when you were."

"Emily..." JJ pushed herself up in bed; waging a silent war with herself as to whether she really should venture down that path given the brunette's current state of mind. But she couldn't allow her to think that she was never committed to them, that that was why everything had played out the way it had. _Could_ she? Did it really matter what reasons she had had now? The answer was that no, right now, it really did not matter. Right now, Emily was what mattered and she cleared her throat and changed her direction before it was too late. "What were the other factors? What else caused you to lose that balance?"

"I don't know." Emily laughed humourlessly as she brushed a hand through her hair; threw it up when she reached a response that probably encompassed everything. "_Stupidity_."

"Stupidity?" JJ questioned with a frown. "Stupidity… in regard to what?"

"In regard to thinking I was capable of a normal friendship. I met-" Emily stopped herself– realising that she cared for Kate and consequently that she wasn't capable of truly being her friend had been the final straw, but she wasn't sure admitting it would feel any better. It still made no sense to her. She couldn't help but feel that it was more than that, that there was so much she wasn't seeing in her conflicted state and the words almost felt like fruitless lies when she uttered them. "I met someone on the flight here. We've spent a lot of time together over the past couple of months and along with work, I guess I didn't give myself any time to breathe... I dunno. Perhaps that is where I began to drown."

JJ's heart sank further than she thought possible and bile crept up her throat as she tried to shove the rushing, aching fear from her voice before she spoke again. Until this point, she hadn't allowed herself to consider the thought of Emily with someone else- that was just a path better left untread, especially after being witness to such a painful display all those months ago. But now that that reality was even just a mere suggestion, it hurt far worse than even that. Perhaps it was because she could tell in Emily's voice that something was different- this wasn't just a random jealousy-aid in a bar, this was a force strong enough to send her emotions spiraling off the chart and into the past. Which told her one thing... this person meant something- perhaps more than _she_ did these days. But she, like Emily, was sometimes her own worst enemy and she couldn't help but twist the blade further. "You should tell me about her."

"There isn't much to tell. She..." Emily paused; realising before she spoke just why it was that a part of her had found the younger woman's company so easy to lose herself to. "She's just... she reminded me so much of myself. It's like... She _is _me, Jayje. So much of what she said made so much sense and..." She paused again, seeing brief flashes of logic on the horizon that lingered momentarily before disappearing from sight. "But it doesn't matter now. It's done."

A flood of relief washed through JJ's body as the older woman's nuances told the profiler inside her that she had jumped to the wrong conclusions- however selfish that relief probably made her. And it probably did make her incredibly selfish- given that what she had deduced from Emily's words was actually a far worse scenario to the brunette than holding any kind of romantic feeling towards another person. Shaking her head guiltily, she completely bypassed the older woman's final words and continued with the topic that Emily was seemingly ready to be done with. "She opened doors you'd been forcing closed, didn't she?"

Emily looked down almost guiltily, though, it wasn't guilt that caused her eyes to drop but that stupidity she had just spoke of. Because JJ was right, and because she had already known that in the beginning- knew that if she started down any kind of path with Kate, she'd wind up here, and yet she had blindly wandered on. Perhaps a part of her had wanted answers to the questions that she'd never dared to ask, to live vicariously through the younger woman's ability to own herself in such a brave manner, explore truths that she had never allowed light to be cast upon. But perhaps it was receiving all of that that had actually left her here…

When no response came, JJ continued. "Emily, perhaps this isn't a bad thing. If she is so similar to you, she's probably a good friend to have. I think she could be good for you. Perhaps you could be good for each other."

"Friend…" Emily mused with a scoff. "That's a bold word to use."

"Why is it?" JJ frowned.

"Because I don't _have_ friends, JJ." Emily all but snapped. "Look at all of you. I just fucking left you all behind like you meant nothing. I should have known that I have absolutely no concept of being human and I proved that again tonight by abandoning her."

"Emily, everybody understands why you left." JJ shook her head, baffled as to how Emily could possibly see it any other way. But maybe that was because she had been with the team for the past three months and been able to see the truth of their feelings- all Emily had had was her own mind, and that was never productive, especially when she felt guilt towards something. "They totally get it. They don't blame you at all. They miss you, I mi-" She paused abruptly, rethinking her choice of words before choosing to abandon them altogether. "But they don't blame you. I _promise_ you that."

"How can they _not_ blame me?"

"Because things are never as bad as you paint them to be in your head. Your mind just likes to play tricks on you and suffocate you with the worst possible scenarios." JJ knew in that moment that those words were niggling their way through Emily- they were so significant, and yet it was always that logic that the brunette seemed to misplace. "You need to remember that, Emily. I know it isn't that simple for you, but you need to keep ahold of that."

There was nothing but silence from Emily once again, but that was fine. JJ knew that her silences always spoke volumes more than her words. She also knew now exactly what had lead her back here… A sudden lack of the ignorance that she protected herself with. There were so many ways in which Emily kept herself guarded, and sometimes that defense even extended to herself. She was so closed off that she probably didn't even know who she was anymore, but maybe this new person in her life had unintentionally changed that. Maybe she had shed unquestionable light on those areas that Emily hadn't ventured to in the longest time, and maybe such sudden clarity had brought about the one thing that the brunette could not handle- emotion. A simple thing to most- a dangerous one for Emily. Because anything beyond neutrality wasn't something that came easily for her, but when it did, there was nothing mild about it- it was intense and consuming. There was no middle ground with her; it was all or nothing- something that more often than not, wound up taking all and leaving nothing.

And this Emily, the right now, was the nothing... She could hear it in her voice, even the fact that she had called her at all told her that she had lost her fight and it never did get any easier to see. She was the strongest woman she knew - even and probably _especially_ in these moments - and she needed her to see that again for herself. She needed to make her see that this whole moment was probably a blessing in disguise that she needed to take before it was lost to her entirely. "I think you should talk to her, Em-"

"No." Emily shook her head. "Just, no."

"Why not? If things are this bad right now, how much worse could it possibly get in taking a risk? You are very capable of having friends Emily, you're just also very capable of convincing yourself you don't deserve them and that either leaves them one-sided or non-existent."

"I-" Emily paused abruptly, suddenly unable to see the twisted logic that had led her to this point; it was too bathed in _actual_ logic from the blonde and now she was more confused than ever. "It doesn't matter."

"No, Emily..." JJ spoke softly. "No. You're finally talking to me again. You're finally letting me in after... _far_ too long. Please don't shut me out again now. Talk to me. I think she gave you answers, and could probably continue to. Why is that a bad thing?"

A heavy sigh came over the line once again, followed by the muffling of blankets that JJ immediately painted in her mind to be Emily covering her face with her comforter. Even over four thousand miles away, she didn't feel safe enough in herself to talk without some kind of protection.

_Emily shrunk back against the passenger side door, her mind rushing and rushing still; but there in the distance was JJ's lifeline, and she took it with both hands as she zoomed by._

_She didn't budge, not really, as for hours, they sat in that car talking about absolutely nothing- and yet everything that was what she needed. And even as she tried to give JJ an explanation as to what was troubling her – the thoughts that weren't her own, the constant questioning, the conflict, the knot in her chest, the inexplicable panic that left her unable to breathe, the deals she seemed to be continually making with herself just to get through a single second, the emotions, so many emotions, and the emptiness - her face was buried so tightly into the blonde's chest that her words were almost entirely muffled._

_For her, it was rock bottom; the end of her life as she knew it. It was weakness personified and the burden that she had tried so hard not to be. JJ should never have shown up at her door that night, because things would never be the same between them again. But more than that, it was vague and entirely misplaced disappointment- because the decision that she had made with herself long before JJ had shown up to end this a different way, was now no longer an option. Now the only option she had was to fight- not for herself, but for the woman currently running her fingers through her hair; and she wasn't certain if that was a good thing. Such a fight required a certain selfless aspect that she wasn't sure she possessed anymore; such a fight required will that she only found when she looked into deep blue- such a fight seemed more like a further weight on her shoulders in that moment than the gift that she would eventually realise it was._

_For JJ, it was an odd moment and she was certain that no one had ever seen the strong, independent, entirely-together Emily Prentiss this way- but because of that, it was also a moment that she felt more grateful for than anything. It was like she had just been given VIP passes to a Justin Bieber concert- if she held any care for who Justin Bieber was, that is. But the point was that it was as rare and privileged as it got; and as she wrapped her arms tighter around the brunette's seemingly delicate form, she made a vow to be her warrior, her soldier in this fight against the unknown. She would fight to the death before it ever resulted in the demise of this woman currently leaving wet splotches of strength against her shirt._

"Because maybe I don't _want_ those answers…" It was in that moment, with her childlike and utterly pathetic tone, that Emily realised such a huge part of her didn't. _That_ was the issue here. It wasn't about caring- it was about being so afraid that holding those answers that Kate had unknowingly provided would make everything worse in the long run; that it would unleash a monster when she couldn't handle them. Much like she was certain it already had, but this was nothing compared to how bad she was convinced it could become…

JJ had been the exception, JJ had been her eyes when she couldn't see clearly and had taken the weight from her shoulders without even breaking a sweat. JJ had taken on her demons and still been around once the dust had settled and the wounds inflicted by the battle scarred the ground beneath them. You don't get that lucky twice. And more than that, she refused to make her problem another person's again.

Because JJ was right- JJ was very right. Kate had shed light in darkened corners of her mind and maybe that is exactly why she had freaked out and run. Maybe that was why she had abandoned her and why she had consequently questioned whether Kate gave any kind of care for her existence. Because those answers were a gift – even she could see that – but when the cost of that gift was taken into account, it became one that she couldn't bring herself to take. So she was clutching at straws and searching for further indisputable reasons as to why she shouldn't.

"Then you at least owe her an explanation…" JJ offered tentatively, hesitant to sound accusatory. There was a very fine line between casting blame and offering advice, and she was certain that she'd crossed it a couple of times during this conversation; but encouraging Emily open her eyes and find logic again was never an easy task.

"I think I probably was unfair to her…" Emily responded quietly, surprising both of them when she didn't jump immediately to defensive mode. Though, there was really no probably about it- she _had_ been unfair. But as soon as that notion crossed her mind, so did another that told her it was nothing compared to how unfair she would be to her if she had allowed their relationship to progress any further. Sometimes you had to be cruel to be kind, and she began clutching at those metaphorical straws again. "But then again maybe not. She didn't give a damn, not really. And on top of that, I'm not even certain I care that our friendship is over either." And she probably didn't, though that certainty was likely wrapped so tightly in fear that it left her with no room to question it. "I refuse to convince myself and another person again that I care just so I can let them down."

"Emily..." JJ frowned. "Is it possible that you're telling yourself that to justify choosing the flee option? Is it possible that you're ignoring your skills in reading people, in reading yourself, and choosing to convince yourself that she doesn't care because it makes the decision easier and more warranted for you? Because… then technically you're not abandoning someone you care about through fear, but rather allowing your relationship to come to a quasi-natural end? Ditching it before it means anything and ignoring the fact that it already does? Do you..." She faltered with her own sigh when she realised just how accusatory her whole ramble had probably come across- just how accusatory her next sentence may seem, but perhaps Emily needed to hear it. All of it. "Emily… Do you realise how many nights _I_ lay awake wondering if you cared?"

Every movement in Emily's body stopped; for one brief moment, even her rushing thoughts silenced as she learned something that she had never even considered. How the hell could JJ have ever questioned whether or not she cared? How could that be possible when JJ had been such an integral part of her entire existence for the past seven years? She'd been an open book to her, hadn't she? Isn't that why she herself had laid awake so many nights feeling entirely vulnerable and exposed? Perhaps that wasn't what she had been supposed to take from JJ's words – and she had initially found herself floating both uncomfortably and freely in the fact that the blonde had read her mind – but with that final revelation, her mind had jumped again. "Is that true? I mean, did you… Did you really... question whether I cared?"

There had been several questions posed, and JJ wasn't sure if she was more surprised that Emily had acknowledged any of them, or that she had chosen to address _that_ one- and with her own question too. Perhaps it was a means for her to avoid facing everything else that had been suggested as a possibility, but it didn't much matter- it felt good to talk about them in a way that she herself hadn't forced and in all honesty, no part of her thought twice about taking that opportunity. "All the time after a certain point…" She responded honestly, sadly. "I guess I felt like I was constantly vying for your attention, for affection or for any kind of indication that you'd have any feeling towards it if our close relationship just ceased to exist. You'd give me that validation in waves and doses and after a while I guess I just realised that you weren't someone who wore your heart on your sleeve. But it took a long time to realise that you had any feeling towards my existence whatsoever."

"JJ..." Emily's heart dropped and noise rushed back through her mind. However, when she opened her mouth to speak, she found that the words were stuck, trapped somewhere in the back of her throat like a lodged pill; that even now, she couldn't admit that she cared, that she had always cared, that she always _would_ care. Wrapping up the whole topic into one forced bundle, she closed. "I'm not sure it matters now anyway."

JJ shook her head sadly; disappointment humming through her chest that the conversation they had needed to have for so long had been squashed in a second, and in response, she diverted the topic back to the matter at hand. "Of course it matters. Maybe we don't matter anymore, but this, the right now, matters. You're not the monster you think you are, Emily. You're not and I think she could help you to see that."

The former part of JJ's words were still stuck in her chest, cutting like a knife and, unbeknownst to JJ, leaving her with no doubts that her reassurances were severely misguided. "Are you sure about that, JJ? Are you sure I'm not that monster?"

"I am, baby." JJ responded honestly, sincerity in her eyes though Emily couldn't see it- perhaps she could hear it in her voice, and she hoped to god that she did. "You do stoopid stuff when you're afraid…" She trailed off, hating how uncomfortably familiar those words were- but the fact that they related to her entirely made it all the more easy to make her point. "_Everybody_ does. That does not make you a monster. The circles you spin yourself in do not make you a monster. The way your mind works does not make you a monster, Emily. It's just the easiest conclusion to come to, but it's not true at all."

"I wish I had your confidence."

"You could. Don't you see that maybe this person… maybe her existence is a _blessing_? It isn't the truths she's unintentionally given you that have thrown you off course, it's the fact that you're fighting against them, you're fighting against your gut and running. In fact, you were probably running mentally even before tonight. Let me guess… You've closed almost every case you've worked on since you got there, slept very little and drank Starbucks dry?"

"I knew there was a reason I encouraged you to be a profiler..." Emily tried to downplay the truth in JJ's words, but apparently the blonde wasn't having any of it.

"It's not about being a profiler, Emily. It's about knowing you, and I do know you. Which is why I know you're going to tell me you'll talk to her, but then you'll have an entirely justified reason for why you didn't do it the next time we talk." She sighed, hating the assumption that they would talk again as well as the unconsciously frustrated tone to her voice- hating even more that she was pushing the woman she loved into someone else's arms, even if those arms were platonic. She wanted to be those arms – platonic or more - but she was four thousand miles away and if Emily had someone right there who could be something integral to her well-being, then she'd suck it up and accept that. "Your heart is in the right place, but in running you're not giving her a chance to show you hers is too. Talk to her, Emily. Be honest with her, apologise for disappearing and if it isn't a friendship you want to salvage, then at least make sure it ends on a positive. But I honestly think you'll be doing yourself a huge disservice if you do choose to end your journey with her. Because you're not-" She sighed again and shook her head, wishing so badly that she had taken more time to show the brunette this when she had had the chance. She'd said it once already and yet it still didn't seem enough- there were some things that words just could not show. "You're really not a monster, baby. You're not. And I think if you give it a chance, you'd be surprised at what you find. Perhaps there's clarity at the end of that tunnel that you're running from. So be brave, take that risk… And if she is anything like you, she'll more than understand why you disappeared- she'll be _grateful_ that you came back."

_"I'm here, Emily." JJ spoke softly as she tucked the brunette into bed. "Do you believe that?"_

_"You shouldn't be..." Emily looked up at the blonde, her eyes broken and yet honest in a way that told JJ that she truly believed what she had just said. "You shouldn't be here. You shouldn't have to do this."_

_"Emily..." JJ sat beside the brunette, leant against the headboard and brushed her hand through hair now damp from her shower. "It's nothing to do with obligation. I want to be here because you're... you're important to me. And well because... I guess I feel somewhat honoured."_

_"_Honoured_?"_

_"Yes, honoured. Privileged, perhaps." JJ sighed, sucked her bottom lip between her teeth before speaking again. "You're a closed book, Emily Prentiss. You're like one of those decade old volumes that sit in museums never to be opened. No one knows what's written between those pages, they can only assume and yet... yet _I_ do. I know, at least in some capacity. We may only be on chapter one, and maybe it's complex and kind of scary, but I want to know what else is written between your pages Emily. All of it. And I will be here until that book is complete."_

_Emily stared up at JJ, silent. JJ didn't know it, but her entire body had tensed when she'd said those words - not because she questioned the truth, but because she truly believed them and that burst the damn inside her mind entirely. There was no turning back now- JJ was the one who would see, whether she liked it or not, the real Emily Prentiss._

Emily was silent for a moment; her fingers mindlessly twirling around the string on her wrist- the string that had had to be fixed and added to over the past three years when it had broken against the test of time, but she'd do that every day for the next fifty years before she'd ever throw it out.

A part of her somewhat felt like she should be defending herself for some unknown reason, but she just couldn't seem to bring herself to without feeling like a total fraud; because she knew they were nothing more than excuses- and excuses that she was tired of making. Perhaps it was time to stop running; to plant her feet and turn and face those demons that she had allowed to control her every move until this point. Perhaps doing that involved following JJ's very logical advice... however terrifying that was.

Because JJ was probably right. Of course JJ was right... JJ was _always_ right when it came to her. And she would continue to be because she was the only person on the planet who knew her flaws, and her darkness, and her light, and her lifelines, and her vices, and her defenses, and every damn little thing that made her her. She knew everything; _all_ of it. She'd seen her at her worse and still saw strength in her when she herself couldn't; and in that moment, Emily couldn't work out if she was grateful for that or not, because to her that safety felt more like yet another aspect of her life that she had gotten wrong- it felt more like she had placed burden where it shouldn't be. Again.

It was entirely lost on her in that moment that sometimes, showing weakness was actually the bravest thing a person could do... That JJ saw nothing of a burden, but actually the beauty that she thought she had long lost the right to. To her, it was a gift.

She was so blind to that, so convinced that she had let someone down once again that a disappointing flood of emptiness rushed throughout her body; her shoulders slumping as she pulled the comforter tighter around her dejected form. She could recognise the tension that had lifted from her body since this phone call began, but it paled in comparison to the selfishness that kept her from going back and chasing the fairytales that JJ was wrapped in; the certainty that this is how it would always be if she ever did- with her allowing JJ to protect her and hold her up just so that she was able to get through the day, but never once exuding strength enough to return that favour...

Because wouldn't that be _something_, if she were capable? Beauty and the beast; happily ever after.

"JJ?" Emily opened her mouth, swallowed hard and shook away her tears as she hit a wall; sunk against it and offered the only thing that she could honestly, truthfully give right now. "_Thank you_."

Whether she knew this time like the last that it wasn't what Emily had _wanted_ to say or not was irrelevant. She loved her, and loving her meant loving her inability to say what she really felt; loving her meant deciphering the codes hidden in the eloquence of her words– the lack of which typically occurred when she _did_ care. And that was enough for JJ. It was her that she had called when she hit rock bottom– and that was enough for her. "I made you a promise a long time ago. That hasn't changed just because we have. Goodnight, Emily."

"_Here." JJ looked away from Emily when her stare had lingered for too long and fumbled something around her wrist until she was able to pull it over her hand. "Take this."_

"_What is it?" Emily frowned, genuinely confused– not only because the blonde was handing her nothing more than a colourful piece of string, but by why she would even be wearing it anyway._

"_It's..." JJ smiled towards it fondly and then laughed at just how ridiculous it really was. "It's from Henry's first baby-grow." Her eyes were still fixed to it as she spoke, almost like it was a priceless family heirloom. "It snagged on something while it was in with the laundry and this thread came loose. Before I threw it out, I took it from it." Her eyes finally met Emily's. "I've worn it since then so that he's with me no matter where I am. No matter what case we're on. I've never once taken it off. I'm surprised it's still intact, actually."_

"_Jayje…" Emily leant up on her elbow, studied the string as she twirled it through her fingers. Just like JJ had spoken as though this cotton was priceless; she herself felt that through and through. It was a damn piece of string, barely thicker than a line drawn by the tip of a marker and yet she felt like she had just been given the entire world. Shaking her head, she looked up to the blonde. "Why are you giving me this? I can't take this."_

"_You can and you will." JJ replied without hesitation, already reaching out to pull the gift up and over Emily's hand. "I want you to be able to keep me close when you're lost in that place. When you think you're alone…" Her fingers ghosted over the coloruful band, and in-turn, Emily's wrist; lovingly, subtly. "You're never alone, Emily. Ever. This… This is to remind you of that. To pull you back when you…" JJ trailed off, knowing full well that this night didn't change a great deal– Emily was the type to push people away and keep them at arm's length through a fear that had been engrained far longer than she had known her; and she knew very clearly that even after tonight, there were still going to be other occasions when she would do just that. So it was important to her that Emily kept this somewhat trivial gift- the string to pull her back when she'd lost herself entirely. But it didn't need verbalising. To tell Emily in that moment, after everything that she had shared with her, that she was somewhat certain the distance between them would grow again, was to tell her that that night, that her courage, that everything that she had divulged meant nothing. So she subtly changed her direction. "To pull you back when you don't even realise you need it. It's an attachment to something pure; to keep you grounded when your mind isn't your own." _

_After she'd finished, JJ's eyes finally met Emily's and immediately misread the look on her face; causing her to uncomfortably pull away the hand that she hadn't even realised had been soothingly stroking along Emily's arm for the whole time she had spoken. Emily was a damn ambassador's daughter, with a world of wealth at her fingertips- what use was this gift to her? It was no diamond bracelet. Laughing, she jumped to trivialise her own gesture before Emily had the chance to. "I know what you're thinking… '_I'm supposed to get all that from a damn piece of string_?' so you can-"_

"_Actually…" Emily's hand went out to stop a clearly flustered JJ from leaving the bed. "I was actually going to say it's the best gift anyone's ever given me."_

"_Don't mock me-"_

"_I'm not." Emily replied unarguably. "No part of me is mocking you." Her face was serious before it faded to discomfort as she tried so damn hard to say what she wanted to– that it felt so overwhelmingly relieving and safe to know that someone cared for her that much, that _JJ_ cared for her that much. But an engrained, guarded smile interrupted her; unknowingly proved JJ's theory from earlier - the whole reason that she had given her that string in the first place – and she gave the response necessary rather than the more profound one that she had wanted to offer. "Thank you. And thanks for tonight too. I'm feeling a lot better now, I was probably just really tired or something. I'll be back at work tomorrow."_

_And there they were– those walls that for a short time she had forgotten even existed. But now they were back and an almost visible chill skipped over JJ's spine; the only shield from the cold being the knowledge that the doors to Emily's heart and soul may have been slammed closed with her on the wrong side, but she had the skeleton key to them in her pocket. She had still gotten further than anyone else had, and if she had read the conflict on Emily's face correctly, it was closer than anyone other than her would ever get too. If the brunette didn't care, she would have had no need to reclose those doors in the first place._

"_Goodnight, Emily." JJ replied as pressed a kiss to her temple and brushed her hair back before leaving the room and her apartment._

"Wait!" Emily spoke suddenly, too suddenly to even question what she was having her wait for- but perhaps she was actually listening to her gut for once rather than going against it.

JJ's heart jumped with brief hope that she grew instantly angry at herself for. This wasn't part of the story- not a part that she knew at least. Emily didn't do "wait" in these moments- Emily took the out that she had been given in these moments. Emily disappeared to regroup in these moments and when she returned, she was more guarded and impenetrable than ever. Which meant that that hope she had felt with the brunette's one word was about to be crushed and she hardened herself for the blow-

"Will you…" Emily cleared her throat and then paused as she searched for the courage necessary. Her strength provisions had taken a hit with even making this phone call – the not-so subtle cry for help that it had been – so asking for something further, and so directly too, was surely not going to happen. And she was probably more surprised than JJ when she actually finished her sentence. "I know I have no right to ask you for anything more, but would you… would you just stay on the line with me until I fall asleep?"

-but the blow never came. It was more like a caress than a strike to the stomach; a map and a compass, the help she needed to find her way out of her own chaotic life given to her so indirectly that she knew thanking Emily would be ridiculous– but she _wanted_ to. So she smiled and flicked off her beside lamp, pulled the comforter up around her and responded. "I'm right there with you, Emily. Sweet dreams."

She could only faintly hear JJ's breaths on the other end of the line, so barely audible that she had to check to ensure that the blonde hadn't hung-up- the thought of which left a giant ball of longing in her chest and she was so surprisingly relieved when she saw the call-timer still ticking along on her screen. She settled comfortably against her pillow; felt her whole body relax as she closed her eyes and listened to the almost silence. The thought of actual silence had petrified her and had been the reason that she had asked for JJ to stay on the line in the first place- but this silence was heaven, it was peace, it was untainted tranquility. "Sweet dreams, Jennifer."

"_-Well tell her that I miss our little talks."_

**_Of Monsters and Men (Little Talks)_**


	27. Chapter 27

**Author's Note:** Emily's comment to Kate is borrowed from The Walking Dead. I also feel like I should be offering out some kind of unnecessary apology to the real-life people that Kate is based on. I didn't particularly enjoy turning her into a dick in this chapter, and I did try to keep said 'dick-ish-ness' to a minimum. But it was necessary to give Emily perspective- to _show_ her rather than tell her the way that she's living her life. I think it was really only Kate who could do such a thing, because however much JJ might be willing to try, she's too involved. All will be at least mildly rectified before the story is out though, so don't worry.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Twenty-six: <em>Black and White<em>**

"_The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes."_

**- Marcel Proust**

"What do you need, Emily? I'm kinda busy." Kate didn't even look up when Emily entered her office, ensuring that she missed the tentative look in the older woman's eyes that depicted far more than she apparently cared to see.

Emily sighed heavily, nervously. She couldn't do this, didn't know _how_ to do this. Chasing people was just... no. No, she had no clue what she was doing – and a still shaky desire to do _anything_ – but JJ had been right; she at least owed this woman an explanation. "Last night... It's difficult for me to... I mean... I didn't mean that we should end our friendship. I just-"

"Emily, do you really think I want to play these teenage games with you?" Kate's eyes rose calmly, belying the sting of her words.

And they did sting. Emily somewhat remembered saying something similar to JJ all those months ago when she had unknowingly began her role in their demise. Only, she had never imagined that perhaps she was playing games too. She was certain that she'd given JJ everything- opened herself up to her in ways that she had only skimmed the surface of with Kate and had never even ventured to with anyone else, but the blonde herself had indicated otherwise; something that had more than caught her off guard.

It was shocking to say the least that all those times that she was searching for validation, certain that she had stupidly handed herself entirely over to someone who didn't care- JJ was doing the very same thing. Was it the same now? Was she the one that had caused the distance here? The ice cold formalities and disconnect that she could almost feel against her skin… It chilled her right through to her core. It hadn't felt this way any one day since she had met Kate, but something was very different now– probably justifiably so, and suddenly she felt ridiculous. What the hell had she expected after last night? A welcome party?

"I'm not looking to play games." She shook her head and pulled up a chair in front of Kate's desk, hoping to rectify this before it was too late. "I... I have trust issues, deeply rooted trust issues and I'm not saying that you're a bad person... I know you're not. It's because I-" She cut herself off. It wasn't really a trust issue at all- why the hell was she still calling it that? She'd come here to give the truth, and so far had given nothing but cryptic, broken thoughts that barely even _hinted_ at the truth. And in that moment, she realised that she didn't know what she was here for at all… To give an explanation? To salvage a friendship? To make justifications to herself and in-turn, make this whole situation with Kate worse?

With a further shake of her head and briefly clenched fists meant to give her strength in a situation where she felt anything but, she lifted her eyes - her childlike, terrified eyes - and proceeded to bite the bullet with a little more honesty. Even if that honesty still didn't have a point, and even if that bullet would wind up leaving her with a further scar to add to her growing collection. "It's my _own_ issues, Kate. My own preference for ignorance. It isn't down to you, and I'm sorry that I punished you for something you hadn't even done. Hadn't even had chance to do. Last night, I guess I reached this point, this place that I had been unconsciously fighting so hard to keep from finding myself in again, and I..." She sighed again, certain she was making no sense. She was drowning in false starts and the once bright green eyes now staring at her expectantly were causing the words to lodge further in her throat. "I'm just… in a bad place right now, but I don't think ending our friendship was ever what I wanted. I was just afraid. I spoke to JJ-Jennifer... and I guess she made me see that when I'm scared I..." She laughed uncomfortably and looked to the ceiling; still somewhat unable to verbalise her true feelings despite what she had come here to do, and entirely oblivious to the fact that even with everything that she had said so far, she still hadn't given Kate any real indication that she cared. Any real indication that she gave a damn either way. Any real indication that even her presence was far more than an obligation. She hadn't, and yet a part of her still felt that she deserved some kind of resolution or second chance to walk out on her again. "Look, can we just forget this? Please?"

Kate studied Emily for a moment, seemingly waiting for something else before shaking her head slowly in disbelief. "None of this is my problem, Emily." Her words were solid and firm despite the almost gentle tone that they were wrapped in. "You didn't allow it to be my problem, you never bothered to tell me before jumping into defense mode so it _isn't_ my problem." The mildly-masked hurt on Emily's face barely even blew her off course in the direction that she felt justified in taking this moment. "And yet you're _still_ running away from it now. You're still not here, not really."

"Kate-"

"You know what I think, Emily?" Kate interrupted and pushed herself up from behind her desk. "I do think you're afraid. I think you're afraid of loving, of caring, but more than that, of letting someone really love and care about you. You're afraid of what that _means_, of your routine changing, of giving up all control, of allowing them to see you properly for the defective person you're _mistakenly_ convinced that you are. And yet you don't even see that in coming here, flying thousands of miles away from home... that is _exactly_ what you've caused because you're so damn set on controlling everything, predicting things with false certainty and running down a path before you even know what is at the end. You're positive that is going to save you but it isn't. It's going to _destroy_ you." With a noncommittal raise of her eyebrows, she added salt to the oddly necessary wounds that she knew she was inflicting. "Maybe it already has."

"Kate… I'm here. I'm trying-"

"You are not trying, Emily." Kate sighed and splayed her hands against her desk. "How can you be when you're still blind? See what you don't realise is that you have your anchor. Your tether. And it isn't me." She shook her head slowly, looking down briefly and then back to thoroughly confused dark eyes. "I'm the one who sits with you in the dark. I'm the one who does that because I understand, because I've been there, because I've lived that life. I _live_ that life. I'm the damn warden of that prison. In fact, I'm probably the one who leads you _further_ into the darkness and I refuse to be responsible for that. I'm not your guiding light; that is her. I'm not your key to freedom; that is her. And that is her because she doesn't understand and yet she _wants_ to. She proved that by being there for you to talk to even after you disappeared from her. She loves you _that_ much. You have the person that most people like you and I could only ever dream of. You shouldn't be here. You should be with her." With a heavy sigh, she added. "Go home, Emily."

Her dark eyes narrowed subtly, the profiler in her scanning through every textbook that she had ever read, every victim or suspect she had ever studied, searching for clues to the riddle that had just been presented to her. Of course, there was no riddle there at all… It should have been expected and was entirely warranted too, and yet she still felt like she had just been thrown into this moment mid-conversation. "But I like sitting in the dark with you..." She finally managed to utter, immediately despising just how pathetic she sounded; her walls already creaking back into action before she could even finish the sentence- something that even the very first glimpse of real humanity in Kate's features when she looked up couldn't penetrate.

And there _was_ humanity; something regretful and yet certain, almost like longing and hope, but similar to resignation. "No you don't. You're not _happy_." There was almost an incredulous tone to her voice; one that was just as blunt as she had always been but it seemed different now. It had a different purpose to what it once had. "You're _happily stalling_. There's a difference. You're stalling because you know you could be genuinely happy with her, that you _were_ genuinely happy with her, without condition, at one point. Long before everything happened and even after- you _knew_ that you guys had a future, that the way she treat you was nothing more than the excuse that you needed. Honestly, if it hadn't been that, you would have found other reason to leave." Her untypically dark eyes met Emily's full on; seeing instantly in them that her words weren't too far off the mark. "You're one of the lucky ones, Emily. You've found your angel." She stared for a moment, struggling to place the emotions that she had carelessly spilled back into a box and return to her ever-faithful, stoic nature; and when she spoke again, her words were barely a whisper. "Go back to her, Emily. Don't do this to her. You can't just appear in people's lives and make them care about you and then disappear. The push pull thing has to stop. She loves you. So you either need to stay for good, or just don't even bother showing up."

"Kate... I'm sorry..." Emily frowned sadly, feeling entirely like there was something she was totally missing in the younger woman's words; some kind of nuance that even her profiling skills were struggling to pick up on, but she couldn't help but feel that she really wasn't supposed to. Perhaps she'd met her match in this world of disconnect, and suddenly she didn't feel like a worthy opponent.

But with a blink of an eye, that hint of humanity in Kate's, of _real_ feeling, had vanished. Her back straightened and her face now solid- robotic, cold, distant. "You don't need to be sorry, Emily. Don't you get it? I'm a psychologist, I love my job. You were like a textbook for me, and the decision you made last night really doesn't result in any kind of a loss for me." Indifference; a bitter and powerful weapon when used correctly. "Now, I hope you take the time that you need to figure yourself out and I do wish you the best. But I'm not your shrink, remember."

_No.._. Emily mused as she took her hint to leave and stood; her mind still trying to piece together the silent apocalypse that had just taken place. _Apparently just my _**friend**_._ "I guess not. Take care, Kate."

**CM-CM-CM**

**Quantico;**

"I didn't take you for the mechanic type." JJ smirked, amused as she walked into the parking structure of the FBI Headquarters to find Leah hunched over the hood of her car; steam billowing out around her and, when she turned, splotches of oil upon her white shirt.

"I'm so not." Leah sighed as she wiped the oil from her manicured hands with a rag. "This is my wife's car. She insisted on me bringing it out here with me instead of renting one, and look what happens. Funnily enough, her logic was that hers is more reliable…"

There was a sarcastic glimmer in the other woman's smiling eyes that JJ had to laugh at. "Definitely seems like it. You need a ride?"

"I'd love one. But I have to wait for a _real_ mechanic to come out and pick up this hunk of junk so I may be here a while."

"Well-" JJ began, double clicking the button on her car key and effectively unlocking her vehicle. "-I just so happen to have a while. It's freezing out here. We can sit it out in my car until the mechanic arrives and then I'll drive you home. Sound good?"

"You sure?" Leah's face contorted in some kind of preempted apology, really not wanting to put JJ out. "Don't you have to get home to your son?"

"Nope. Saw him for all of ten minutes this morning to drop him off at daycare and now it's Will's weekend." Laughing softly in realisation, she added. "Ya know, between Will, Reid and Garcia, I barely see that kid."

"I think that's a good thing." Leah offered as she grabbed her purse from the front seat of her 'hunk of junk' vehicle before heading to climb into JJ's car; continuing once inside. "Not that you don't see him all the time, of course, but that you're such a family. All of you. I've never worked with a team like you guys before. I've been here one day and I can already feel the love and camaraderie. "

"Yeah, it's pretty great." JJ smiled contently. It wasn't that she hadn't thought about such a thing before, but there was nothing like an outsider to give you unparalleled perspective. "I couldn't have chosen a better group to work with. I wouldn't change them for the world."

"I guess that's what I witnessed yesterday…" Leah nodded knowingly, realising where the team's initial cold exterior had stemmed from. "You guys lost a family member, that's never easy to deal with."

"It really wasn't personal." JJ offered in apology. "Emily was just… an integral part of this team, this family."

Leah watched JJ's eyes turn distant at the mention of Emily's name; and after studying her for a moment, she decided it best to change the subject. "So, what's the verdict?"

"The verdict?" JJ snapped out of her daydream with a confused frown.

"Ya know..." Leah smiled. "_JJ time_."

"Oh, um…" The blonde shrugged as she flicked on the car's heating. "No verdict yet."

"You didn't try?"

"No. Well… Not exactly." JJ responded as she sat back in her seat and found genuine disbelief in just how good she felt today. It made no sense. She was almost certain that Emily's walls would already be firmly back in place after their phone call last night – that the gift that she had been indirectly handed in their conversation was now lost to her again - and yet she felt _good_. "I got distracted."

"Oh." Leah scrunched up her face in pity- "That sucks." -before the very faint but definitely there smile on JJ's face caused her to frown. "Or not?"

JJ laughed and cocked her head to the side. "I don't know. It doesn't _not_ suck." She shook her head, still trying to decipher her emotions; giving up abruptly when she lost herself in her own illogical thoughts. "I don't know."

"You said that already." Leah smirked. "What was it that distracted you?"

"A phone call."

"From?" The look that JJ tossed her way gave her her answer immediately. "Oh." Her lips formed a tight 'O' and she returned a silent look of her own- one with implications.

"Not..." JJ corrected with a smile. "It wasn't _that_ kind of phone call. I think it was a better kind, actually…"

"There's a better kind?" The older woman joked, knowing exactly what JJ's response would be even before it came.

"When it comes to Emily, yes. When it comes to everything that has happened recently, yes."

Leah raised her eyebrow as she studied the blonde- she may have been a profiler but the hopscotch that JJ was turning this conversation into was like trying to build a full puzzle with broken pieces. "You're the queen of cryptic, do you realise that?"

"Not cryptic, just surprised." JJ sucked her bottom lip between her teeth as she tried to find the words to explain without actually sharing any of Emily's personal turmoil- she herself had known recently what it was like to have her story told for her, so she wasn't about to do that to Emily. "She needed someone, and I'm just not sure how I feel about the fact that that someone was me."

"Do you think she has no right to need anything from you after everything?"

"Oh, no, not at all." JJ clarified. "She has every right, _especially_ after everything that transpired between us. I told her a very long time ago that I'm there if she needs anything and I meant every word. The point is that I never expected her to ever want to _use_ that right. I figured I'd be the last person she'd turn to."

"Nothing is ever as black and white as it seems, JJ."

"She used to say that." JJ nodded wistfully. "And for the longest time, it was such a huge part of my life- reminding myself of that, trying to figure out which grey area her and I fell into. But I think I've realised... no, I _know_, I need everything to be black and white. I need to _not_ think about the thousand grey areas that combine to create Emily Prentiss. Not because she's a bad person, but because I think it was focusing on those grey areas that caused me to lose sight of the parts that _are_ black and white."

"What do you mean?"

"I was so wrapped up in what ifs that I forgot everything I _know_ about her, loved-_love_ about her. She was never going to abandon me because I'd never been with a woman before- she wound up leaving because I never gave her the courtesy of returning the trust she had placed in me years ago. And more than that, I never took the time to consider that she was leaving for her own reasons too- reasons that I forgot in all of this. I got lost in those grey areas, dropped the ball on the silent promise we made and wound up-" She stopped herself, knowing that if she finished that sentence the way that she had intended, it would mean disclosing Emily's demons; so she changed her route to something that still made her point. "-wound up doing the one thing I promised I never would." Looking to Leah and seeing subtle confusion, she tried to simplify her point. "I stopped being her _friend_. I stopped being there for her. But last night she…"

"Gave you a second chance?"

"Yeah…" JJ smiled almost contently, realising in that second that that is what had left her feeling so good today- that and the clarity that flooded throughout her whole body and gave her trust in something she had lost sight of. It wasn't hope, because they were no longer pinned to a romantic life with Emily, but it was something akin to that. Maybe it was acceptance, trust that whatever is supposed to happen, _will_ happen. The last thing she had expected was to receive a phone call from Emily, and yet she had. The last thing she had expected, was an indirect second chance and yet she'd received it. Perhaps letting time do its job wasn't a bad thing.

"Well, since you seem to be smiley and without a child this evening. How about we take that new perspective of yours for a spin?" Leah suggested.

"Um, no, I don't think so." JJ shook her head, still feeling the effects from last night. She hadn't drank much, but when accompanied by the fact that she'd stayed up until past midnight with Emily, she was looking forward to doing nothing with her Friday evening. Perhaps she'd even find a moment to get Leah that verdict. "No, I think I'm going to have alone time this evening."

"You better." Leah threatened with a smile just as a small truck pulled into the parking garage. "Looks like my guy, I'd better go. Don't worry about the ride, I can take a cab."

"I don't mind, honestly." JJ reassured as she watched Leah leave the car.

"Nope. You seem to be on a roll and I refuse to be the one to slow your momentum."

"Thanks." JJ smiled.

"Don't mention it, but I expect a verdict on Monday."

**CM-CM-CM**

As she stared at the bright blinking lights before her, she asked herself – for the hundredth time in the past several months – just what the hell she was doing. Forty-five minutes ago, in the comfort and safety of her home, she had found a whole world of confidence and eagerness in her reflection; but now, as she caught it again in the tinted windows of this bar, she felt paralysed. Intoxicated laughs and cheerful conversation emanated from the patrons around her; the clearly confident, care-free people waiting in the cold to get into the bar leaving her feeling entirely ridiculous. It was obvious they had done this hundreds of times before, and she envied them.

"ID please, ma'am."

Her eyes widened not-so subtly at the request. Why the hell did they need her ID? Was there some gay code that she didn't know about where you were only allowed into a gay bar if you could prove that you actually dappled with the same-sex?

"Uh-um." She stuttered before her logical mind finally kicked in. _It's a damn bar, Jareau. You could say that they're simply doing their job and making sure you're not underage. Take it as a compliment. _With a subtly shaking hand, she reached into her purse and pulled out her driver's license; handed it over to the bouncer like she was a fifteen year old trying to get into a night club.

"First time?" The guy asked with an amused smile.

"Something like that." JJ responded quickly, frustrated with herself as she took back her ID and shoved it into her purse.

"Well, ma'am." The guy stepped aside to allow her through. "Nerves aren't necessary here. You'll be fine."

With a quick but polite smile, JJ bustled by the bouncer and into the bar to be greeted by booming music and a vast array of people- _normal_ people, much to her apparent shock. There weren't half naked, flamboyant men grinding themselves unashamedly on some big hairy guy; there weren't cleverly disguised women with shorter than short hair and skulls tattooed on their face– they were just people, and she had to laugh at her ignorance.

She felt like a fool. It was true that she never had liked gay bars– she just couldn't understand why an already segregated group would isolate themselves further. If they really wanted equality, why strive to detach themselves from everyone else? But it didn't take a profiler to see that she was looking at it entirely wrong; bathing in false judgment in order to ignore just how out of her depths she felt- and with a final shake of her head, she wandered over to the open space at the bar and took up a seat.

"What can I get you, ma'am?" A ruggedly handsome, well-built guy came over as she sat.

"Um…" Typically, she'd order a beer – a simple drink that didn't taste too awful or require too much deliberation – but tonight was about finding herself and perhaps something a little different would help. "What would you recommend?"

"Well…" The guy leant on the bar, pointed to a table several feet away and the jug of bright green liquid there. "That is called Kermit. It's good if you plan to get absolutely paralytic, but kind of pointless if you're just in here for a quiet drink. Beer, would be a good option if you are here for that quiet drink. Then we have the vast array of liquor you see behind me, which could fall into either category depending on the quantity and speed in which you drink it."

"And for someone who is trying to step out of their comfort zone?"

The guy simply smiled, clearly knowing JJ's story without needing to hear it. "Then I'd recommend this." He turned away briefly, then turned back with a bottle of Chivas in hand and poured a glass- missing the momentarily pained look on JJ's face. "It'll give you the confidence boost you need, but it will make you happy-drunk. Ya know, just in case you're like… _really_ struggling to step out of that comfort zone."

Taking a quick sip of the drink, JJ's face contorted painfully. _Jesus, how the hell does she drink this stuff?_ This was Emily's alcoholic beverage of choice, and yet she didn't recall ever seeing her make the face that she imagined she herself just had. "That tastes like fruity paint-thinner."

Chuckling, the guy took the drink from JJ's hand and proceeded to fill the remainder of the glass with coke. "That's because you're not supposed to drink it straight. Well, not if you've never had it before. Have a couple with coke and then try it on its own, I think you'll change your mind."

She was certain there was some kind of apt pun in everything he had just said, but she opted to leave it alone. He was certainly right though - the drink did taste a whole lot better with the addition of coke - and only two sips in, she could already feel her mood shifting; her nerves dissipating and a confident smile forming on her face. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." The guy returned her smile; his eyes fixed behind her as he nodded. "Looks like you've got company, and I've just won two bets, so you're next drink is on me."

JJ's brow furrowed. "Bets?"

"I bet my colleague that you were a first timer, and also that it would take less than five minutes for someone to stake claim to you. I think it's the whole blonde, baby-face, dark-eyeliner thing."

JJ couldn't work out if she was flattered or appalled– both by the fact that he had placed bets on her, and by the phrase "stake claim". No one was going to be _staking claim_ to her. No one was going to-

"Hey."

-_wow._ Her brain malfunctioned for a moment as she turned and her eyes met ones bluer than her own, hair blacker than night and lips that seemed to naturally curl into a smile at the left corner- and for a moment, she forgot all sense of disgust.

"Uh, hey." She managed- the foolishness in her chest now somewhat of a normal feeling. God, she hated this teenager phase; it was bad enough the first time around.

"Um…" The woman paused as she took a seat; looked down nervously then back to JJ. "I'm sorry, but I just have to tell you that you are… _really_ fucking beautiful."

JJ laughed- she had to. She had never heard someone be so blunt and to the point before. Well, except the first time Emily had sent her a very straight to the point, very vivid, very hot text message– but where that thought of Emily would have, just days ago, sent her spiraling, it instead gave her confidence in that moment. And the unnamed woman's compliment didn't hurt that either. "I don't even know what to say to that."

"You don't need to say anything, just let me buy you a drink."

"I would, but apparently this guy over here already owes me one for placing bets on me." JJ laughed and nodded her head towards the guy behind the bar who currently had a cheeky grin upon his face.

"One day, Ben, you're going to seriously piss someone off with those bets." JJ's new friend yelled over to him, clearly familiar with such a game.

"It passes the time." He shrugged. "Besides, I've not met anyone yet who was offended by it." Looking to JJ, he questioned. "Are _you_ offended?"

"Hey…" JJ shrugged. "If I get a free drink out of it, who am I to complain?"

"See." Ben winked and continued on to his next customer.

"Well…" The raven-haired woman turned her attention back to JJ. "Since I can't buy you a drink, how about getting a name?"

JJ studied the woman for a moment, excitement tingling throughout her body. It wasn't necessarily attraction, and it wasn't just this woman either– it was the fact that she actually felt at home. She wasn't certain whether it was the drink, or the welcoming company, but she felt good, safe, confident. "JJ. My name is JJ."

"JJ? Short for?"

She paused for a moment- it not at all lost on her that she had just given her casual name rather than her formal, and she was totally surprised that she felt no discomfort in giving this woman her full name either. It was a far cry from her night months ago with Jess. "Jennifer Jareau."

"Well, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, my name is Andrea. Short for... well, short for nothing actually. Anyway, my friends and I are sat just over there. Would you care to join us?"

JJ looked over to the table that held five or six women and two guys, each laughing jovially and tossing banter back and forth; and she smiled. "I think I'd like that."

Leading JJ over to the table, Andrea made introductions before holding out a hand for the blonde to shuffle into the booth and followed in behind her. "Guys, this is JJ. JJ, this is everyone."

A quick succession of polite and friendly greetings came from around the table until it ended with the kind but narrowed eyes of the woman opposite her. She had to be in her fifties, but certainly looked good for her age, and her warm exterior told JJ that her words weren't intended to offend. "You're a newbie aren't you?"

"Is it that obvious?" JJ grimaced with a semi-smile.

"Kinda." The older woman smiled affectionately. "But luckily you chose to come here on a night when all the _predatory_ lesbians are at the other gay bar downtown. They'd be all over you like fresh meat otherwise."

JJ wasn't sure whether to laugh or make some remark about not being concerned for such a thing- but realised both would be offensive, and instead she looked to Andrea for help.

"She's joking." The dark haired woman whispered in reassurance.

"I'm not." The older woman corrected as she took a sip of her drink. "This girl is hot. But yes, I am joking with the predatory part. I just wanted to see your reaction." She smiled warmly again. "It isn't like the movies, honey. But I'm sure you've already started to realise that."

"A little." JJ spoke in a small voice; her hands clasped between her thighs as she shifted uncomfortably. Yep, she was so ready for this teenage thing to be over with.

"It gets better." The older woman nodded. "Trust me." Just as she said that – right on cue – a woman around the same age but with slightly darker hair wandered over. "And here's my proof." She grinned with natural fondness and wrapped her arm around the darker-haired woman. "JJ, this is my wife, Emily."

JJ choked on her own breath- very undignified, but very warranted given the god-awful coincidence that had just been tossed her way. Whatever deity was fucking with her clearly had a twisted sense of humour.

"Are you okay, honey?" The other woman frowned.

"Uh, yeah." JJ composed herself and smiled, reaching out her hand for the new arrival. "It's uh, it's lovely to meet you, Emily."

"It's good to meet you too, JJ."

"Ex?" Andrea whispered knowingly when the other two women got lost in their own conversation.

"Uh… something like that." JJ shot back the rest of her drink and when she replaced the glass to the table, there was some kind of determination in her eyes. "You wanna dance?"

A short while later saw Andrea and JJ returning to the table. There was a free and easy, _welcome_, smile on JJ's face that barely even hinted at how uncomfortable she had felt just thirty minutes ago. Because for those thirty minutes, with this dark haired woman in her personal space, she hadn't had room to think about Emily, to think about any nerves or discomfort, to think about anything other than how damn free-spirited she felt- and it was wonderful.

"Here-" The bartender that she had been speaking to when she first arrived stopped by with one huge jug of green liquid and ten shot glasses; yelling over the music as he placed the tray on the table. "-is my debt repayment."

"I thought you said this was only necessary if you intend to get paralytic." She yelled back with a laugh.

"Oh you're hanging out with these guys now. You're already well on your way to that."

"Hey!" Andrea jabbed him in the side. "We're not that bad."

"Yep-" He began as he turned to leave. "-and I'm Justin Timberlake."

"You wish!" Andrea yelled in rebuttal and then turned back to JJ with some kind of defensiveness in her eyes. "We're _really_ not that bad."

"It's fine." JJ chuckled, her kohl-rimmed eyes lingering captivated by bright blue. She found safety there; desire without fear and some kind of empowerment that was likely down to the several drinks that she had consumed and the green shot she had just tossed back, but she chose to go with. "But do you wanna get out of here?"

"Listen…" Andrea began like she was preparing for some kind of storm. "My girlfriend of five years broke up with me just last week. I'm really not looking for anything like…" She shook her head, hating how cliché she sounded. "I'm sorry, I'm not-" Her words were cut off by soft lips; warm and inviting against her own, and when they disappeared, words that she had not expected were being whispered there.

"You just became so much more appealing." She could almost feel her eyes darken in sync with those still staring at her like this was some kind of trick. But it wasn't a trick- hearing that really had encouraged her desire. Not because this woman's apparently recent heartbreak would make her easy, but because it would make her unattainable in ways that JJ didn't actually want her to _be_ attainable. She didn't want love, and she didn't want a future; in the bluntest way possible, she wanted sex. Fun, easy, carefree sex. But as her words set in, it suddenly dawned on her just how crass they had sounded. She grimaced, a light blush creeping over her cheeks as she looked down. "That was really tacky wasn't it?"

"Not at all." Andrea shook her head with a smile before turning to fully face JJ; her arm rested behind her. "You know what I think? I think too many people live in code, games, tricks- no one ever gets straight to the point anymore. And more than that… too many people are so wrapped up in the end that they forget the beginning. Are so lost to fairytales that they think every romantic encounter has to result in happily ever after. Well... I've tried for happily ever after. And let me tell you- fairytales have a lot to answer for."

Laughing, JJ had to agree. "You're not wrong there." Her uncertainty gone again, she looked back to Andrea with a question. "Do you know what it was that Ben bet on?"

"It varies each time." The raven-haired woman shrugged.

"He bet that I was first-timer. He wasn't entirely correct but I might as well be. I've learnt very clearly recently that you can't learn to run before you can even walk, and all I want right now is to walk. All I want is to prove to myself that I can."

Andrea smiled helplessly as though she'd found the holy grail- the lover that didn't actually need to be loved. They each had their very good reasons to keep all ties between them clipped, and tossing back the rest of her drink, she cast a quick wave to her friends currently over on the dance floor; stood to her feet and held out a hand for JJ. "Let's walk."


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter Twenty-Seven: **_**Perspective**_

_**DC; Two Months later;**_

"Verdict's in." JJ announced without formalities as she pulled out of Garcia's driveway; a small, almost proud smile playing against her lips as she waited for the person on the other end of the line to piece together her broken thought and respond.

"At six in the evening?" Leah laughed, eventually realising what the blonde was eluding to in a memory of their first real conversation. It had been months since that initial chat in a DC bar and honestly, with the progress that JJ had made since then, she had forgotten all about the advice that she had given her that night.

"Yeah, I never was one to take the normal route." JJ remarked sarcastically. "No, last night. I took the plunge."

"Jayje… you do realise that advice was given to you two months ago?" Leah chuckled again. "And aren't you supposed to be having dinner with Garcia right now?"

"Just got done." The blonde responded, taking a brief look in her rearview mirror to check on her sleeping boy. Smiling fondly, she continued. "I was looking forward to a car ride of nursery rhymes but alas, my back-up singer is sleeping so you were my plan B to keep me company on this ever so lengthy ten minute drive home." An expected playful 'thanks' was uttered on the other end of the line and JJ grinned before she got back to business. "Anyway. I do realise it's been two months but I guess I was afraid."

"Haven't you been with two people since then?" Leah frowned instantly, clearly confused at JJ's backward form of progress. Having "JJ time" was supposed to be step one, but it seemed that the blonde had started at the deep end and then swam back.

"I have. But with them it's different. I realised after Andrea that being with another person wasn't the difficult part- it was being by _myself_. And last night was the first time I've ever been able to…" She searched for a code phrase that would be understood but not obvious to little ears should they wake up. "_Play solitaire_ without feeling guilty, and without getting frustrated because the only person I see when I close my eyes is her."

It made sense and she felt like she should have seen it. Of course 'playing solitaire' as the blonde had put it would be more difficult- it was an innately intimate action, one that tapped into the very tresses of your conscious. And, of course, in the very depths of JJ's conscious, there was love - whether she had stopped admitting it or not - and when love was involved, everything became so much more complex. Opting to not draw attention to just why it was that the younger woman had found more difficulty in helping herself than in sleeping with others, she asked the question that was probably expected five minutes ago. "So… what _is_ the verdict?"

"It was… incredible." JJ smirked helplessly. "I never imagined that- um… playing solitaire could be so relieving." She heard Leah snicker down the phone- at her second use of her euphemism or that she had never have even entertained that possibility, she wasn't sure. But choosing to bypass it, she continued. "I was going to tell you that this morning but you were off gallivanting with Reid and Morgan."

"Hey, we had statements to take." Leah raised her hand in defense as though JJ could actually see her.

"Excuses, excuses." The blonde mocked, her smile lingering for a moment. "Anyway, look… the real reason I called was, well because… I feel…" She shook her head in amazement. "I feel _normal_ again- or for the first time, actually. Confident, even. I mean, I know I was confident before but this is different. I feel like I'm exactly who and where I'm supposed to be. And that's down to you."

"It's nothing to do with me, Jayje." Leah responded honestly. "You got there on your own. We just... well, we just gave you a few directions when you got lost."

"Don't sell yourself short." JJ countered. "You've been a good friend. An unexpected friend, but a good one nonetheless." She paused for a moment, remembering just how many "good" friends she had, and just how damn lucky she was. She'd said it already, but taking a mental look around her in that moment, she realised she really was exactly who and where she was supposed to be. Even the situation with Emily seemed somewhat… okay, in amongst its dysfunction. They hadn't spoken since that night, of course, but she'd expected as much- and still felt as positive about it as she had that following morning. Somehow it was just... _okay_. "Thank you. You'll never know how grateful I am that you joined us when you did. It's sometimes difficult to find the time to express gratitude for real life things with the job we do, so I wanted to make sure I said that before you leave."

"Well…" Leah began, a little uncertain as to what she should say. She knew backtracking and telling JJ that she had no reason to thank her again was futile, so she opted to accept her gratitude. "You're very welcome. And hey, you better come out and visit Heather and I when I leave."

"You can count on it." JJ smiled softly, taken aback by just how disappointed she was that this woman was leaving in less than a week. But she shouldn't have been so surprised- almost instantly, she had become a part of their little family and she knew another loss was going to weigh heavy on all of them. "You're really gonna leave before Christmas though? That kinda sucks."

"Not as much as it'll suck if I abandon my lovely wife for the holidays." Leah countered. "She's kinda scary when she wants to be."

"Bring her out here." JJ shrugged. "It can be a little vacation. You have the apartment until the beginning of January, right? And that way she'll get to meet everyone."

"Yeeah... I guess." Leah drawled, contemplating JJ's suggestion. "Let me work on it and I'll get back to you."

JJ opened her mouth to give some excited response, but the speed racer in a death-mobile that zoomed by her grabbed her focus. "You _moron_."

"Uh, thanks, JJ. Not quite the reaction I was expecting."

"Not you…" The blonde replied distractedly, her mind so focused on the car currently swerving back and forth across multiple lanes and increasing and decreasing his speed that their conversation was the last thing on her mind. "I have to go…" Her words were so mindless as her fingers gripped the steering wheel, not even bothering to end the call; her mothering instinct kicking into to top gear in the form of panic in her chest. She'd seen idiots on the road before, but something about this was different; the feeling in her gut told her something was terribly wrong.

"JJ?" Leah prompted with genuine concern in her voice; uncertain whether the blonde was even still on the line. "Are you okay? What's going on?"

She could hear her heartbeat in her ears as she watched the death trap still swerving and weaving in and out of lanes, dancing a dangerous dance with semis and only mildly missing a collision; and she felt the panic drain from her body as soon as the vehicle slowed its speed tremendously and chugged slowly off to the side of the road. Pulling into the nearest layby, she instantly turned to check on her son; her hand reached back and resting on his as she finally responded to a clearly freaked out Leah once she saw that Henry was still sleeping peacefully. "Yeah, I'm fine, Leah." She answered as she watched her boy, still waiting for the adrenaline to release her from its clutches. "Some idiot just doesn't know how to drive."

"Where are you?"

"Not far from home." She answered to calm the fear that she could hear in her friend's voice- as well as to calm her own. "He stopped about forty back. I pulled off to the side of the road 'til my nerves return to normal but we're fine." She laughed- it was unnecessary but it was probably the nerves escaping her body; relief taking its place…

...relief that was far too premature. But the point where she realised that came in the form of metal meeting metal at high speed, in her car slamming off into a ravine and in the deafening screech of tires that barely registered in her mind as her body flew forward and then back into her seat with a mind-shattering jolt.

"JJ?" Leah's eyes widened as she heard the god-awful sound that had replaced JJ's speech. "JJ? JJ!"

Her head throbbed, floated like it was filled to the rafters with cotton wool; and the panicked words coming through the earpiece still in her ear was like a song on the radio pulling her out of a deep sleep that she merely groaned at. Accept sleep was too peaceful of a word- there was nothing peaceful about what had just happened, and there was nothing peaceful about the almighty and thunderous screech of reality that seared though her brain when she got her bearings back.

"Henry. Baby, are you okay? Henry?" Her eyes were wide as she practically launched herself into the back of the car; the pain coursing through every inch of her body with each movement prominent but unrecognisable as she hovered her hands over the small boy's sleeping form- afraid to unbuckle him, move him, wake him.

"JJ?" Leah practically yelled once more to get her attention. "JJ, answer me."

"What do..." The blonde was in utter shock; frozen in position as she stared at her son. "What do I do?"

"JJ, it's okay. You're just in shock." The redhead spoke quickly as she pulled on her boots and coat. "Can you tell me where you are?"

"Uh…" She blinked, and blinked again. "Prairie. I think..."

"Okay, I will be there in less than ten minutes. Now I need you to get off of the phone and call an ambulance. Do not move Henry. Just make sure he's warm and stay in the car."

"No. Surely I should be…" She was still stunned, her mind running through every logical thing to do in a situation like this but in the moment absolutely none of those options seemed logical. Of course moving Henry was a bad idea in case he had unseen injuries- but then if she stayed in the car, what if it caught fire? But then leaving the car in the current snowfall would put them in further danger- what if the accident caused more cars to crash and left them with no safety barrier? "I should… I should…"

"JJ, is the car smoking? Any indications of fire?"

"No…"

"Then you need to stay put. You'll be far safer in your vehicle. I will be there as soon as I can, I _promise_." Leah finished as she pulled out of her driveway. "Now call an ambulance and keep him warm. I'm on my way."

**CM-CM-CM**

**London;**

"You're early today, miss." A young, subtly muscular guy smiled as Emily entered the building for her evening workout.

"One of those days that drag, ya know?" She grimaced with a smile. "Couldn't wait to be out of the office." It was a partial lie, but that is essentially what small-talk was- a lie. Neither person involved wanted life stories nor an in-depth analysis of each other, but rather a simple human connection that could be over just as quickly as it had begun- it was the very thing that Emily thrived on these days. It was safe. It was without responsibility, or obligation.

It had taken her a few days to realise that Kate's words had actually been a gift- a few days to realise that she was right; there really was always an escape route on the horizon, no matter how much she tried to convince herself it was different this time. And until she could cut those ties with her need to run, there was only one thing she could do– not show up at all.

She'd probably headed those profound words too well since then; disappeared off of the face of the earth aside from her mild work interactions and her brief conversations with this guy, but the truth was that she could breathe again and honestly, loneliness was far less of an issue for her now than it had been when she was surrounded by an abundance of people. "The track free?"

"It is." The young guy nodded. "It's been a slow day here too. With Christmas approaching and all that holiday food, I think people have lost interest in taking care of themselves."

"All the better for me." She winked as she swiped her membership card beneath the scanner and tossed back another comment before disappearing down the hall to her destination. "Take it easy."

The whole interaction was disconnect in the form of friendliness- it gave her a hint of normality, but at the same time ensured that reality was nothing more than a distant memory. Just like it was these days with the Interpol security guard; and her mailman; and her dentist- detached, distant, and _peaceful_. With no one to pull her emotions in several directions simultaneously, she was again able to pretend that she had none. With no one to call her out on her shit, she was able to believe that she had it together- that she wasn't simply stalling or working her life around her mental inability to handle her rare and infrequent emotions. With no one to disrupt the tranquil pond that she had finally become again, she was able to bask in this false reality with false hope that was actually the only certain thing she had felt in a long time.

She wasn't stupid though- she knew cutting herself off wasn't the answer. She knew it was simply postponing- that removing everything that caused her to lose control wasn't fixing the problem, it was allowing it to win. But it felt too much like a win for herself these days to even question it. The silence was a welcomed gift again; it was freeing and hopeful. It didn't matter that her existence was just that – an existence – because on the face of it, life was fairly okay and she'd take that in an instant over some of the days that she had endured in her forty-three year existence.

Tossing her things into her assigned locker, Emily smiled politely and exchanged courteous greetings to the two people that she passed on her way back upstairs; plugged in her earphones and felt the ripple of something amazing in her chest as the melody flowed throughout her body. She smiled in her ignorance, felt safe in it, and as she darted off around the track, she was able to pretend some more- pretend, like she had described to Kate, that she was running towards something and not away from _everything_.

Was this what happiness was? Ignorance? She wasn't really sure anymore but she felt good- something that was only compounded by the certainty that she was doing the right thing. She hadn't seen or spoken to Kate in almost two months, purposely avoided her and everything that pertained to her- but she was still in the clutches of this certainty, the one that told her that she had given the younger woman what she wanted, what was best for her. She couldn't promise to stick around, so she'd stopped showing up.

And she'd done the same with JJ. Caring, patient, JJ. Of course, that should have been far easier to do given their physical distance, but after their last conversation, it seemed actually more difficult. She felt like she'd burnt newly fixed bridges with the blonde by disappearing these past two months, but she also felt certain that wanting to keep those bridges in tact was for her own selfish need- that burning them was best for JJ in the long run. All she could offer was disappointment, so she'd offer nothing.

_For the best_… It had been her life motto for the past two months, and yet she had no clue that it was an excuse. It was a label that freed her of any effort and at the same time painted her with some kind of glow; a halo that sat crooked but to her was a driving force. Perhaps there had been other encouragements in Kate's words that day, but with the blinding light of this new halo, she'd lost all comprehension of there ever being two options in that advice. To her there was only one, because to her, running through fear was an inevitability.

Yes, it was all false- her happiness, Kate's happiness, JJ's happiness. But happiness probably really was ignorance in disguise, and ignorance was what she was best at so if that provided some kind of contentment - false or not - she'd run with it. It felt real enough to her, and something _feeling_ real was just as good as it actually being real these days.

**CM-CM-CM**

Rummaging blindly through her locker to find her clothes a short while later, she frowned- the blue flashing light on her personal phone finally catching her attention after a minute or so. No one ever contacted her on that phone anymore. That phone was basically the inanimate representation of her- the most she ever received was an email confirming a dentist appointment or a text message from the gym with updates about their new promotions. But this expression on her face – the one she adorned each and every time there was some kind of activity on this phone – should have told her so many truths. It was a mild expression of hope, so deeply embedded into the back of her mind that she barely recognised it anymore– but it was a hope for more, a hope for a search party, a hope for JJ, or Kate, or anyone to come wondering into her ignorance and show her that they even cared enough to do so.

It was _selfish_.

Without even bothering to illuminate the screen, she tossed the phone back into her locker. She may not have fully recognised that hope, but she certainly recognised the disappointment in her chest whenever she realised the blue flashing light indicated nothing more than a bulk advertisement or an appointment reminder. She didn't want that, so she slammed the door on her locker, and effectively, any risk of disappointment, and headed for the sauna.

But when she laid back against the wooden bench, threw her left arm over her face and closed her eyes, she couldn't seem to shake this niggle in her chest. A niggle in her chest that left her instantly frustrated. Everything had been so peaceful for months. Her over-thinking had ceased to exist and she was living in some semblance of normality again. But this… this need to leave her fifteen-minute safe-haven and go rummage in her locker for the disappointment she was certain she would find was ruining that.

"God dammit." Pushing herself up with a heavy sigh, her feet thudded along the wooden paneling and back out into the cool air of the locker room. She was led by a blind haze and a need to just get this over with so that she could go back to pretending- a vague decision in the back of her mind to purchase a new phone on her way home so that it wouldn't happen again. If the only people who were able to contact her were people of no importance, she'd at least know prior to this moment that the chance of it being someone she cared about was an impossibility.

Pulling her locker open with a little more force than necessary, she cursed to herself as she grabbed the phone and several of the contents fell to the ground; but as she knelt to pick them up, an unknown but subtly panicked voice finally followed the one of the robot in her ear and she stopped mid-squat.

_"Emily... Uh, I hope I got the right Emily."_ The unknown voice laughed nervously. _"And I hope I'm not overstepping a boundary here but I… Look, she doesn't know I'm calling you and will probably cause me physical pain for doing so but she needs you. Just give her a call, okay? Please."_

And that's where the message ended, leaving Emily half-stood, half-knelt with a look on her face of utter confusion and possibly unnecessary concern. Somehow, she now missed the disappointment that she had expected to find when she checked her messages.

Through blind worry, and possibly a desperate search for that disappointment, she hit redial- and again, and again, and one more time until she tried a different approach. Scrolling through her contacts, she came to someone else that she hadn't spoken to in months, but any concern for formalities and explanations abandoned her as soon as the recipient answered. "Where is she? What's wrong?"

"Wow... you do still exist." There was no harsh undertones in Garcia's voice as she spoke- at least not intentionally so, but any need for an apology was just non-existent in that moment. "She's at the hospital. She and Henry were in a car accident last night."

Emily's whole body went numb; from her head to her toes, she could not feel a thing. Until she could. Without warning, sound came rushing back to her ears, feeling to her body and everything hurt, and ached, and pulled, and pushed. That tranquil disconnect that she had found imploded with those few words and she found herself kicking and splashing through every emotion that she had felt throughout her entire lifetime. "Please… Please tell me they're okay..." She was already pulling on her shoes- brown, leather boots with still-sweaty workout gear, but that was the least of her troubles. "Garcia?"

"They're fine. JJ has a few cuts and bruises, and Henry..."

"And Henry?" Her heart stopped again as she ceased frantically shoving everything into her bag, paused in every sense of the word as she waited for Garcia's response.

"Well..." She hid it well, but the fear was still evident in her voice. "They're waiting... hoping that he'll wake up. He took a pretty nasty hit to the head and he's not opened his eyes since it happened."

"And if..." Emily paused, afraid to ask. "And if he doesn't?" There was silence; a blinding, deafening silence that probably spanned a split second but pushed Emily to continue shoving everything from her locker into her bag and rush out of the building to her car- the young guy from before left baffled in her wake. "Garcia, are you still there?" She quizzed as she slammed her car door behind her and turned the key in the ignition. "Garcia?"

"I... I'm here."

"Look, I have to go okay. I need to use my phone." She spoke quickly as she swerved out of the parking lot and onto the motorway back to her house; muttering brief spouts of road-rage to herself that, under the circumstances, was probably wholly misdirected. "Damn British drivers. I thought these guys were supposed to have manners." Her mind jumped back to the call. "Garcia? I have to go but I will call you right back. I promise."

Ending up the call before the other woman could even respond, Emily hooked her phone to the command centre in the middle of her dashboard - she wouldn't get anywhere if she found herself in her own car wreck - and all but yelled at the device. "Call Heathrow Airport Booking Desk. Heath-row. Heath-row."

_Calling Heathrow Airport._

"Good evening, my name is-"

"I'm sure you have a beautiful name and I am so sorry to cut you off but this is an emergency and I need the next flight to Dulles International."

"In America? Virginia?"

_Is there any other Dulles International?_ Emily shook her head in disbelief and threw out one of her hands; her typical patience waning under the circumstance. "_Yes_?"

"Unfortunately, the only flight available isn't until tomorrow afternoon."

"No, that won't work. I need to leave tonight." Emily shook her head quickly, ready to hang up and try a different airport. "Nevermind, I'll try-"

"Actually, Miss, we have a seat on the 9:55 flight. It is 1st class though and will cost-"

"I don't care what it'll cost. Charter an entire plane for me if you have to, I just need to be there as soon as possible."

"Well... okay then." The desk clerk, a little taken aback, responded. "I just need to take your name and payment method and the seat is yours."

Emily dug frantically in her purse as she pulled up outside of her house, flicked on the interior light in her vehicle and quickly offered out the information necessary. "Is that everything?"

"Yes, Miss. The seat is booked for 9:55. You'll need be here two hours before."

"Oh I'll be there as soon as I can, trust me." Emily responded hastily, shoving everything back into her purse and rushing to her front door to pack a few things for her impromptu trip. "Thank you so much for your help."

"It was my pleasure." The polite young woman responded. "I am curious though... where are you going in such a hurry?"

Emily licked her lips, sucked the bottom one between her teeth as she hoped and prayed that she still had a right to call it what she was about to; and somewhere behind her heart, she almost physically felt the reminder that she had tucked there many months ago. _We're your family and the love of this family is unconditional. Please remember that you **can** return to us._

"Home..." She nodded. "I'm going home."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> Yes, I unashamedly used Henry in order to get Emily to come home. Call it divine intervention… at the poor kid's expense. ;)


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter Twenty-eight: ****_Changes_**

Emily rushed through the corridors with tunnel vision, her dark eyes searching the maze for any signs that she was even remotely in the right ward- or the right hospital. The whole place was eerily silent, possibly something to do with the fact that it was 2am, but it still sent a chill down her spine- a chill that was both amplified and erased as she turned one final corner and laid eyes on something that simultaneously broke her heart and soothed her.

On the far right side of the hall was a sleeping blonde, her head resting against the shoulder of some unknown redhead and her small hand clutching at the woman's shirt like it was the only thing keeping her steady. For a moment, something shifted and her typical instinct pushed her desire towards fleeing; resign herself to the fact that she wasn't JJ's person anymore- what right did she even have to _be_ here? Why the hell had she flown all this way to... what? Fuck up JJ's world again when it was the last thing that she needed? But when soft, hazel eyes looked up and recognised her presence, making a silent escape ceased to be an option.

"I-I'm sorry." She stammered nervously. "I didn't realise- I mean- I should go-"

"No..." Leah interjected, her free hand going out like she was trying to calm a startled deer. "You're fine... Are you a friend of JJ's?"

"I'm..." She had to force herself not to laugh at the question and the complex answer that immediately tagged along with it- what the hell _was_ she to JJ? "I'm just someone she-"

"Oh..." The redhead put two and two together instantly, her eyes somewhat knowing as she carefully stood to move, cautious not to wake the sleeping blonde currently resting on her. "You're Emily?"

"Um... yeah." The brunette confirmed tentatively, her dark eyes scanning around like she'd missed something. "How did you-"

"I'm Leah. Leah Kennedy. I'm the one who called." The only-slightly younger woman held out her hand for Emily to take. "Your reputation precedes you, Emily Prentiss, and you left some pretty big shoes to fill."

Finally, it clicked. "You're my... _replacement_."

Leah opened her mouth to speak; catching the nuances in the other woman's words before she did. "Oh, I-" Her hazel eyes shot quickly to JJ and then back to Emily. "No. I mean yes, I am. Temporarily, but not in... Not in _that_ way. _Those_ shoes could never be filled by another. No one could even come close- trust me, I've seen them try."

And she had seen them try. Perhaps not the people that the blonde had allowed into her "bed" physically– she seemed to purposely choose the ones who specifically wanted no strings. But the others; the ones who knew nothing of her recent upheaval, the detectives she met on a case, or the ones who tripped over themselves to buy her a drink on their team nights out. And JJ had barely even recognised any of them. It was actually that that had told her there was only one person the blonde would really want here with her at a time like this and had prompted her to make the call that she had to Emily.

Emily couldn't work out if she was relieved or nervous, conflicted or curious. There were too many emotions wrapped up in that one implied admission that she couldn't even begin to entertain right now. Shaking her head, she composed herself and shook the other woman's hand. "I'm sorry, I'm just... jetlag, ya know."

"You're fine." Leah laughed softly, once again feeling like she was trying to sooth a nervous animal. But, just like seeing a deer in its natural habitat, she couldn't help but feel that this was a rare moment too. "I should be going, anyway."

"Oh don't go on my account." Emily's waving hand went out instantly. "I probably shouldn't even be here-"

"Emily..." Leah caught Emily's arm as she moved to leave. "This is _exactly_ where you should be. She needs you."

Emily swallowed apprehensively, her frowning eyes studying the sleeping blonde before she looked back to Leah. "_Does_ she?"

"More than you even know."

And with that, the strangely comforting woman who she had no idea existed until five minutes ago disappeared and left her feeling oddly alone. Looking in the direction that she had just gone, Emily then returned her gaze to JJ; observed her for a moment - studied the subtle flicker of her eyelids, that gentle frown between her eyes, the way her fist clenched against her stomach - before clasping her hands together with a sigh and taking a seat next to her.

She could smell her perfume the very moment that she sat down- it was instantly intoxicating and brought with it a flood of uninvited memories. Her heart pounded with every passing second that she looked upon her with longing- but such a feeling was nothing compared to the one that plummeted throughout her whole body the second that the younger woman's hand reached out and rested against her abdomen; when a warm, seemingly needy blonde snuggled up against her with a desperate sigh.

She held out her hands, stunned, nervous and quite frankly terrified of what this moment truly meant- of what would happen in the instant that she laid her hands on JJ. Of course, when she looked down and saw the subtle comfort gracing the blonde's features, that feeling only magnified- JJ had no clue that it was _her_ that she was snuggling into. JJ, in her sleepy state, thought that she was Leah, and that knowledge cut through her almost enough for her to stand and leave. But the moment she moved even an inch to do just that, small fists clutched suddenly at her shirt, gripped fiercely and distracted her just enough that when words left soft lips, they almost made her jump...

"Don't go."

…made her jump and then plunge to the ground with further disappointment. Yes, she really did think that she was Leah. And she was trapped- trapped until JJ awoke and she would be forced to witness the disappointment in her eyes when she realised that she wasn't her. But when the blonde spoke again–

"You came home..."

-the feeling her those words left was absolutely indescribable. Her whole body relaxed in a way that it hadn't in months. Her arms pulled JJ closer to her without even a moment's hesitation; her hand brushed away loose tendrils of blonde hair as she pressed her lips to the blonde's forehead and breathed in a heavy breath of her scent like she'd been waiting a whole lifetime to do such a thing. "I never really left."

And when she thought about it, she realised how true that was. Such a thing had proved itself that night two months ago when she hadn't really thought twice about calling JJ in her darkest moment. Then again in the subtle instances between her departure and now that had been missed when they occurred but now flashed before her eyes like a movie- the moments in which she'd mindlessly run her fingers along the coloured string around her wrist like most do with a wedding band. It was in the sudden knowledge that even through everything, she had been walking around with this notion that it was all temporary- an escape until she was free and able to have fairytales with the blonde. It was the fact that she actually _wanted_ those damn fairytales- the ones she convinced herself were for fools.

It didn't take long for JJ to drift back to sleep, and for the clutches of slumber to pull Emily in too. For hours she tried to refrain from fidgeting against the discomfort of the plastic hospital chairs; even in her sleep attempting to keep from waking the blonde. She didn't know just how bad Henry's condition was, but if it was bad enough for JJ to be camped out in the hospital all night, then she would certainly need the rest. It was ease wrapped in passive discomfort- the kind of natural and somewhat one-sided battle that you'd expect from a married couple fighting over the comforter.

It was normality, but there was absolutely nothing ordinary about it.

When morning finally arrived - something only indicated by the faint and increasing bustle of doctors and nurses filtering the halls to take patients' vitals - JJ was laid out across several chairs; her head resting in Emily's lap where, with her legs brought up against a chair that she had pulled to the front of her during the night, the brunette's hand mindlessly brushed through unwashed blonde hair. Just like JJ had done all those years ago for her.

It was Emily who opened her eyes first- those eyes widening subtly as she entered full consciousness and remembered just where she was. For a moment she studied JJ, hesitant to break the serenity- not solely now because the blonde needed rest, but because she was still afraid of seeing disappointment in those blue eyes that she had silently and unknowingly longed for for the past several months.

She need not have worried though, because as they suddenly flickered open, there was not one ounce of displeasure there as they peered up at her. There was gratitude that she hadn't expected, relief and a faint dash of hope that caused her to frown; there was, for just one brief moment before reality returned to JJ, a flash of utter contentment. It lasted probably seven seconds; reinforced itself and caused her heart to race in the form of JJ's soft hand mindlessly ghosting over her own, their fingers entwining in a way that made them seem like pieces of the same puzzle. However, when those gentle, relieved, soft fingers suddenly tensed, she realised that the spell was broken...

..something made very evident when the blonde shot up abruptly. "Has the nurse been round? Has anything changed?"

"No, sweetie. Not yet..." Emily turned to face a now fully alert JJ; looked on with sadness at the fear etched into bright blue. Trying to grab the attention of the frantic blonde, she posed a warranted question. "Jayje… what happened?"

"I..." JJ sighed as she perched on the edge of one of the plastic chairs; ran her fingers through her hair and clasped her palms between her thighs when she looked briefly to Emily. "There was… There was a guy swerving in and out of traffic like a madman. Speeding up, slowing down, and then suddenly stopped. I pulled off to the side of the road to calm down and then…" Her eyes welled up as she remembered the moment of impact, and the fact that she had been so busy speaking to Leah that she hadn't paid enough attention. "Anyway, I spoke to the officer in charge. Turns out the guy's car was out of control, something malfunctioned and it was basically driving itself and he was powerless to stop it. It really wasn't his fault..." A laugh of pure disbelief passed her lips. "Is it bad that that makes me angrier?"

"Not at all." Emily replied honestly, knowing that somewhere along the process of pain was the need to blame someone, and in the guy's instant redemption, JJ had lost that. "It's logical. I get it." Somehow the words that were intended to sooth had actually made the expression on the blonde's face worse, and it took Emily a moment to figure out why that was. Scooting closer to her, she instinctively reached out to rest her hand against hers; her arm protectively around the back of her chair. "It was an _accident_, JJ. It could have happened to anyone, and he has your blood in him. He's a little fighter, I know it."

"It should be _me_ in there, not him." JJ disentangled herself from Emily and walked over to the room in which Henry was; her fingernails cutting into the lip of the window as she studied him. "I got... what? A few scratches? And he's in there probably braindea-" Her words ceased as a doctor she recognised wandered down the corridor.

"Good morning, Miss Jareau." The middle-aged man greeted. "Ready to see how he's doing today?"

She wasn't asked, not directly, but Emily's hand reached out instinctively as JJ followed the doctor through to Henry's room; ghosted over the blonde's fingers and settled protectively at the small of her back as they stood beside the small boy's bed.

A part of her felt like she had no right to be there, but the rest of her just could not move. Perhaps she had distanced herself from the small boy as much as feasibly possible, but the faint band of colourful cotton around her wrist that had been there for almost four years told of a difference story. She wasn't here solely for JJ- she was here for him too. She wasn't nervous because of what the worse would do to JJ- she was petrified for herself too. She wasn't-

"How is he?"

Her hand immediately shot back to her sides as the familiar voice startled her from her thoughts, and it was only when that voice directly addressed her that she turned. God, she _really_ shouldn't be here. What the hell was she thinking?

"Emily..." Will's voice was complex, indecipherable- to him too. He couldn't work out if he was relieved to see her or not. Honestly, he kind of was, but he couldn't ignore the fact that he probably shouldn't be after everything that had unfolded.

"I'll um, I'll wait outside." Emily kept her guilty eyes from Will as she walked by him; sighed as she clicked the door closed behind her.

No, she shouldn't be there. It wasn't her place, her family, her life; not anymore... and yet where she thoroughly expected to leave that hospital and board the next flight back to London, she instead took up the seat that she had occupied the whole night. Took up a seat and waited for something that she truly could not predict, no matter how much she tried to control it.

**CM-CM-CM**

It was three hours later when a miracle occurred. She didn't believe in miracles, not really- but she was almost certain that she was witnessing one. It presented itself in the almost painfully grinning faces of Will and JJ as she watched the unexpected, silent scene unfold through the glass window like she was viewing it on TV. Henry was groggy at first, clearly taken aback by the multitude of relieved kisses that were plastered all over his face and she had to laugh. But as reality clearly set in for him, he giggled. She couldn't hear it, but she was certain that if she could, it would have warmed the small piece of heart that she had left- the part that was untainted with fear and engrained certainties, and open to pure, genuine love.

The part that was so protected that it startled her to realise that anyone or anything had gotten through to it. But there was something about this kid, something so unthreatening that told her he held the key- even in ways that his mother didn't. She was sure it was something to do with the fact that he was indeed JJ's son, but the flood of memories that suddenly bathed her mind told her otherwise. The moment when he'd given her the painting that he'd done at daycare; when he'd recognised she needed comforting. The times when he'd excitedly, clearly so overwhelmingly happy to see her, ran and jumped up into her arms as she stood there like a fumbling idiot- entirely baffled by the moment and what she assumed must be confused and misplaced happiness on his face. Those times when she'd gone over to JJ and Will's house for wine night, only to spend the first twenty minutes of her visit until he went to bed playing with building blocks; building the tower higher than the coffee table with the sole purpose of him knocking it down and giggling.

He was her humanity. And that humanity, was now safe, and healthy, and _smiling_. But more than that, he was something else… something she couldn't place. She'd had no choice but to wait out the anxious twist in her gut when she had no clue how this would pan out- and her waiting had been rewarded, not by the entire world crumbling down around her, but by something so positive that it seemed to have shifted everything inside her.

It was relief in the form of a gentle breath that escaped her lips- it was odd clarity that painted in her mind as one, two, three of the walls imprisoning her slipping from their self-righteous throne. She'd let fate run its course without intervening… and she'd won. There was no apocalypse. How was that even possible?

**CM-CM-CM**

"When did you take up smoking?"

The voice was familiar again, only this time, it was a special kind of familiar; the kind that floods you with utter relief, and it truly did. Her eyes widened instantly and without even really thinking about it, she turned and abruptly flung her arms around the source's neck. She gripped as tight as she physically could, her eyes closed as she settled against Morgan's chest and breathed in his scent.

"Welcome home, Emily."

_Home..._ She pulled back and looked at him with a gentle furrow in her brow, her eyes soft and thankful as she studied his handsome features like she had been certain she would never see them again. Honestly, she hadn't thought about it, hadn't allowed herself to. It was only in his towering but overwhelmingly comforting presence that she truly realised how much she had missed him.

"How is he doing?" Morgan nodded his head towards the hospital doors.

"He, um..." Emily's features broke into a genuine smile. "He woke up."

"Really?" The dark agent's eyes widened. "Oh my god, that's fantastic. I knew he had it in him, he's got his mommy's genes."

"He certainly does." Emily nodded with a smile before looking to the ground.

"So if he's awake, what are you doing out here?"

"I guess I figured I'd let them have some time alone." She nodded slowly; her eyes still fixed to the snowy pavement beneath her feet. "They're a family, and I'm... Well, we both know what I am."

"You think you're the one who broke it up and therefore doesn't deserve to be in there?"

Emily laughed uncomfortably, twisted her neck and looked away in a gesture meant to deny his educated assumption but only confirmed it.

"You didn't break up anything, Emily." Morgan shook his head sympathetically. "Look, now isn't the time, but you should be in there. JJ wants you in there, trust me. And I don't think I'd be far wrong in thinking that Will might too."

"Are you _serious_?" Emily laughed in disbelief before tossing her cigarette into the allotted smoker's post. "You're not wrong very often Morgan, but I think you're wrong about that. I think I'm gonna head to the hotel. I still didn't check in yet. Let me know if anything changes?"

"I think you'd be surprised, Emily." Morgan called as the brunette walked away. "A lot has changed since you left."

"Morgan..." Emily turned and shook her head slowly, silently begging him not to make her go back in there. "Just… call me if anything changes, and give him a hug from me."

"Okay." The dark agent nodded reluctantly. "Okay, I can do that. Just... just don't disappear again. _Please_?"

She just stared at him, afraid to make any promises. So she didn't, and after several seconds, he figured as much and turned to head inside. However, when she reached her car, it was like the faint chug of the vehicle unlocking unlocked something within her mind too, and whilst she couldn't tell you exactly what it was that caused her to turn and head back, she did just that- hung out in the waiting room and watched through the blind-obscured window at the relieved smiles and obvious love dancing around the small boy sat upon the bed. Studied the fairytales presented to her in there with an odd feeling in her chest that she wouldn't decipher for several more days- but it was enough to keep her rooted to the spot and would, unbeknownst to her, ensure that _leaving_ was the thing that she wound up running from, rather than the other way around.

**CM-CM-CM**

"Morgan said you'd gone back to the hotel?"

The soft southern drawl snapped her from her daydream several hours later, and she instantly prepared herself for the worst before she looked up.

"Emily..." Will laughed, his hands going out to calm her like Leah had in the earlier hours of that morning. "I'm not gona hit you, or yell at you, or... whatever else it is that you're mentally preparing yourself for."

"You'd..." She swallowed, unsettled by the moment and baffled by it too. "You'd be entirely justified."

"Probably." Will nodded without apology. "But then probably not." He watched the confusion paint itself across Emily's face and allowed it to linger there for a moment before he spoke again. "Walk with me."

Tentatively, she did; looked quickly back to an oblivious JJ beyond the thin layer of glass and then stood to step in line with Will.

She knew this story. She hated that she did, but she knew it very well. It had been decades since she had been in this position- finding herself in the presence of someone whose heart she had knowingly stomped all over; someone that had been supposed to be her friend no less. Only, she didn't really know this story at all. Something seemed different.

She stopped abruptly when she found herself drowning in the silence; trying to reign in the situation before it sent her overthinking mind spiraling too much. "Will, look, I didn't get the chance to apologise-"

"I'm glad you didn't." He responded honestly. "I wouldn't have accepted it. I needed to be as far away from you as possible." Grabbing a coffee from a nearby machine, he leant against the counter; his demeanour cool but he knew Emily could see beyond it. Part of him wanted her to. Things had changed so much – he was happier than he had ever been – but that wasn't the reason that there was still residual ill-will there. "I was angry for a very long time, Emily. I hated you for what you did to me, for the deceit and I blamed you. I blamed you for me losing her." He paused, allowing his words to settle. "And then I realised that I hadn't lost her at all- that for the first time, I truly _had_ her. Perhaps not in the sense that I thought I wanted originally, but for the first time I didn't feel like there were parts of her missing, that I was being shut out."

"I'm… not sure that I understand."

Will's brow furrowed. "You… don't know, do you?"

"Know... what?" She felt entirely like she had missed a huge chunk of her own history- though actually, in disappearing, she probably had and the feeling wasn't entirely foreign to her these days.

"Emily..." Will lowered his voice; more in surprise than anything else, but he'd be lying if he said a part of him wasn't glad that she was on the receiving end of being kept in the dark for once. Not necessarily just because that someone had been him months ago, but because he knew that in disappearing, that is what she had done to everyone else. And that was where any bouts of anger still lay- in the fact that he was certain that even after everything, she was going to disappear again. "What _exactly_ has JJ told you?"

"She hasn't told me a great deal."

"Did you give her a chance to?" The question was cutting and it was intended to be- but the good guy in him still glossed over it quickly. "Nothing is ever as black and white as it seems, Emily."

Emily couldn't help it; a small, breathy laugh left her lips at those entirely familiar words. The words that she had spouted often enough and believed entirely too, but she never had been able to apply them to herself and her own situations.

"Emily, you..." He shook his head, uncertain whether he should really be divulging this information. "You do know that you were the catalyst strong enough to stop her living a lie, don't you?"

"What _lie_?" Her brow furrowed intensely as she tried to decipher the giant pieces of information that she was clearly missing here. "I don't think she was living a lie with you, Will. She loved you, genuinely. What happened between her and I was... Well, I don't know-"

"She's _gay_, Emily. Like, totally gay. Like, I never had a real chance with her gay. Like... if it hadn't been you, it would most certainly have been someone else or she would have spent the rest of her life _miserable_ kind of gay..." His voice lowered. "Like... she's always known and kept it to herself and probably _from_ herself kind of gay..."

_Wow..._ Emily took a visible step back, trying to process what this all meant; a brief conversation with Kate flashing in her mind and she felt somewhat foolish for not contemplating that further at the time despite it having been put so bluntly to her. "But..." She was at a loss for words; desperate to process everything that had been a definite certainty to her for the past five months but entirely unsure which part to pick apart first. Until her heart plummeted to her gut- nothing-is-ever-black-and-white Emily had been too trapped in the grey areas that she had _only_ seen black and white. "Then that makes sense…"

Her words were mindless as her thoughts pulled her in. She somewhat remembered telling Garcia that she knew that there was more to JJ's story months ago – months ago when she had cut off the analyst's words that she now realised probably would have been similar to Will's – but even then she hadn't registered it. Jesus, Kate had probably been right- maybe she really had been looking for a reason, _any_ reason. Maybe leaving never really had been anything to do with JJ, and everything to do with her own need to live a life of solitude; one painted with false reasoning of the idiocy of love and fairytales, but actually, beneath the surface, filled with fear of being seen as the villain of the piece. Fear of losing her fairytale to _herself_; fear of being the reason that she ever lost the one true thing she had ever felt and in a backwards way of avoiding that, just running from such a thing altogether. "Then she never..." Suddenly her justifications didn't work anymore- they were nothing more than excuses and without every escape route that those justifications had provided her, she felt entirely claustrophobic. "She really didn't intend to..."

"I'll leave you with that for a moment." Will nodded in understanding as he pushed himself off of the counter behind him and began to leave. "It's a lot to process. Trust me, I know." Taking a few steps away, he turned back; paused for a moment before speaking. "She fucked up, Emily. But not because she is a fuck up... because she was afraid of losing the person she loves. Because she was afraid of losing you."

Emily's glazed eyes shot up just as Will disappeared down the corridor with his very familiar words lingering in his wake; and as he vanished from sight, so did she- her feet blindly leading her to the hotel. She couldn't remember the journey, not really. She had far too many questions and queries running around in her mind; certainties that had somehow exploded before her very eyes and left her in this utterly lost, limbo state.

In the few short minutes that Will had spoken, everything had changed.


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter Twenty-nine: ****_Intervention_**

The following morning saw Emily awake long before she should have been- clearly still on British time. She was showered and had eaten by five am which meant one thing... hours available for her to stare out at the still darkened sky and process what had been her narrative for the past two years. The ups and downs; the what she assumed to be painful certainties and what she now knew to be left open to too many possibilities; the disjointed progress and the abrupt endings; the tunnel vision and the questions… oh so many questions that it hurt her to know that even with everything that she had picked apart and over-analysed on a daily basis, there were things that she had never really, truly entertained. She should have known that JJ wasn't the cruel vixen that she had probably _purposely_ painted her to be, and there was something akin to relief-tangled excitement in her stomach- only mildly shining through her guilt.

She felt so guilty; guilty for not being there, for not seeing, for not _allowing_ herself to see. For being so blind that she had simply disappeared and left JJ searching for her own answers in the dark. She wondered briefly what would have become of herself had JJ done the same to her all those years ago, and the guilt intensified to a point where it almost tipped her over that edge that she had clawed herself away from two months ago- the abyss that she felt every single day that she was shakily following a tightrope over.

"Stop it." Garcia abruptly interrupted as she bustled out of the bathroom. "And seriously... what the hell are you doing awake at 5am?"

Emily smiled as she turned from the window and poured herself another cup of coffee. "You didn't have to come over."

"Uh, yes, I did." Garcia raised an eyebrow- clearly not a morning person.

She was right, she really kind of did have to come over. Emily had made a phone call to her late last night, when she found herself staring at the hotel room ceiling, drowning in a sea of questions that she knew that she could not possibly ask JJ right now- and Garcia had shown up immediately. Appeared at her hotel like she deserved it, like she had never been gone, like they were still the best of friends. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-"

"Oh don't start with that." Garcia waved her hand and plonked herself down on the couch in the mock living area and stole Emily's coffee from her hands. "You really have to stop beating yourself up, Em. I love her, but I'm not gona pretend that she didn't bring it on herself."

"She hardly brought it on herself..." Emily frowned in the blonde's defense and sat in the one-seater opposite her friend; no evidence of it on her face, but a gentle smile playing inside at the fact that even after all this time, she had someone right here who was willing to not only come over at ridiculous o'clock at night just because she needed to chat, but to sit up with her at five am because she couldn't sleep.

"Well not that part, you're right. Conditioning is a cruel vixen sometimes." Garcia altered before taking a sip of Emily's coffee and moaning into the hot the liquid. "But, my dear, she should have told you. She should have known that she could and that you'd still love her."

Emily looked down guilty- knowing that JJ wasn't the only one to blame for such ignorance. How many times had she kept herself hidden through certainty that the blonde would no longer want her if she knew the truth- despite the fact that the only person on this planet who was still around _and_ knew the truth was JJ?

Unknowingly reading Emily's thoughts, Garcia spoke again once the caffeine in her cup had perked her up a little. "I think you're both as bad as each other, honestly." She spoke with fond disappointment that actually caused Emily to smile- a smile that caused her to find a sudden pang of excitement in her chest. Sitting forward abruptly and placing her coffee on the table, she – very clearly more awake - clapped her hands together with glee. "But you're back now, and you're both in a very different place and maybe-"

"Don't." Emily warned, her smile vanishing quickly. "I'm not back here to rekindle things with JJ, I'm back here because she needed... she needed people around her. But Henry sounds like he's going to be just fine now so I think I'm gona fly out this evening."

"You are not." Garcia responded sternly- once again laying her mother card down. "Not a chance. You two are going to work out your damn issues."

"What? You gona steal my passport?"

"Already have..."

Emily genuinely couldn't tell if she was being serious or not, but as she reached over to check the small safe in the closet, Garcia stopped her.

"Okay, maybe I didn't. But I will if you even consider getting on a plane tonight. Don't think I'm above making you an international fugitive and sticking you on the no-fly list."

Now that, she knew she wasn't joking about. "I can't stay, Garcia." She shook her head, her eyes seemingly filled with what seemed to be disappointment, but she couldn't pretend it wasn't with partial hope too. Perhaps it would always be a part of her – the need to run - but there were still definitely some pieces that just wanted to disappear rather than risk everything. Rather than risk everything that actually, would only be at risk if she did leave. "I have a job back in London. I kind of have to go back."

"Look, just for a few days, please?" Garcia pleaded- seeing that Emily, just like JJ, was her own worst enemy at times. "Just... just clear the air with JJ. Spend some time with her. Allow _her_ to tell you that you really have no reason to feel guilty. Give her the chance to explain."

"Garcia-"

"Hm, I wonder what name I should give you. Something scary, perhaps. And maybe I'll make you a terrorist. They certainly won't let you out of the country then."

Emily had to laugh. "Okay." She raised her hands in surrender. "Two days. I'll stay for two days, and then I really need to get back."

"Great." Garcia grinned proudly. "Besides, this is kind of getting a little old."

"_Ouch_…" There was small smile on Emily's face, but that one word held so much truth.

"Don't 'ouch' me. I never have been one to tell you what you want to hear, you know that." The look on Emily's face pretty much amounted to 'touché' and she continued. "Look, I accepted it when you left, _understood_ it even. But things are different now and yet you seem to be so set on keeping yourself in this place when you don't _have_ to. You're not happy, Emily. I can see it in your eyes." Just as she had expected, those dark eyes fell immediately and she took the opportunity to pose a question that she hoped would snap the brunette from her blinded spiraling. "Can you tell me that you don't love her? You didn't deny it when I implied it before."

"I…" Emily laughed uncomfortably. "What does it matter?"

"It's the _only_ thing that matters." Garcia reasoned softly. "Because I'm certain that it's the only thing you know for sure."

"I told you I'd stay for an extra couple of days." Emily threw her hands out defensively. "What more do you want from me?"

"Sweetie, you being here physically and being here mentally are two _very_ different things." The look in the brunette's eyes once again told her that she wasn't wrong. "And if you're not going to be here mentally, then risking my job to stick you on the no-fly list seems a little pointless."

A small breathy laugh left Emily's lips- really all she could muster in that moment because any words that could have replaced it would have been just as redundant as Garcia's efforts to make her stay if she wasn't going to actually _be_ there. "So… What do you want?"

"I want you to open your eyes, honey." Garcia smiled. "Neither of you are blameless in this, but you're both so blind that it's infuriating. You're blaming yourselves, walking on eggshells, and totally missing the big picture- which by the way is that you're so damn made for each other it kinda makes me wanna puke." She could see the purposely hidden smile pulling at the corners of Emily's lips and couldn't help but smile herself. "I want you to stay, of _course_ I do. But I don't want you to if it's not for real, if you're not really here. And if you can honestly tell me that you don't love her, that _no_ part of you is desperate to get out of this prison that _you_ alone have created and find your happily ever after, then I'll drop it right now. I promise. But you can't do that, can you, Emily?" Emily's eyes didn't meet her that time, and she received her confirmation in the lingering silence. "Exactly." She pressed her hands to her thighs and pushed herself up. "Now, I'm gona shower. They're letting Henry out this morning and since Will had to head back home for a day or two, I told JJ that you'd drive her home."

Emily almost choked on her own breath. "You did _what_? Why would you put me in that position? And how could you have possibly known that I'd stay?" Of course, the look that Garcia shot her before she disappeared into the bathroom was one that told her that she had never even questioned such a thing. "Never mind. Hurry up in the shower. Apparently my taxi services are being offered out soon and I have to drive you home first."

**CM-CM-CM**

"How's your head feeling today, buddy?" Emily asked as she wandered into Henry's hospital room later that morning; a smile on her face that was both instant and genuine.

"Hurts." Henry muttered before his sleepy eyes caught the object in Emily's hand. "What's that, Em'ly?"

"This-" She began as she settled on the bed beside him and pulled the gift out of the bag. "-this is Peter." She settled the stuffed penguin between her and the small boy and continued talking. "Santa stopped by my hotel this morning and asked me to bring him over. He said that brave little boys like you deserve an early Christmas present."

"He did not." Henry shook his head with an unconvinced frown and child-like logic on his lips. "Santa is very busy right now, Em'ly."

With a soft chuckle – having been outsmarted by a four year old – she tried again. "He is, but he made time for you. See, Peter here is his… right-hand man. He helps Santa and the elves make sure they're ready in time for Christmas and that nothing goes wrong."

"But he's not _real_."

"Oh he's very real, Henry." Emily replied with mock but believable sincerity. "He just doesn't look like it right now because it's a secret. By day he's a stuffed toy, but by night…" She let her words trail off as Henry's eyes unconsciously grew wider with anticipation, and she lowered her voice as she spoke again. "By night he's a _superhero_."

"A superhero?" The blonde boy questioned with a whole new frown; his next question testing the waters but showing a very real belief in what the older woman was telling him. "What _kind_ of superhero?"

This was the best part. Emily was more than aware of the after-effects of trauma, and she didn't think she was far wrong in thinking that Henry had a lot of restless nights in his future. It's true that he'd been asleep when the car had hit them, but that didn't make the blindest bit of difference- and she wasn't about to take any chances. She wasn't sure when it occurred, but this little boy had become everything to her, and keeping him safe – even if it was only with a placebo effect – was atop of any list of priorities in her mind.

"He keeps you safe when you sleep. His super-power is being able to tell when bad dreams are taking place, and as long as he is snuggled up right next to you when you're sleeping, he's able to keep you safe from them." Shifting a little further onto the bed, she elaborated. "See, he's knows that you're really tough and don't need protection during the day- but even the bravest boys need sleep and that his when he takes over for you."

"Is that true?" Henry questioned quietly- it was omitted in his words, but Emily could see very clearly that he'd obviously already experienced dreams that had left him unsettled and unable to sleep soundly.

"It's very true, Henry." She nodded with genuine sincerity, despite the fact that what she was saying was a lie. It wasn't even a lie of omission, it was a full blown lie- and yet she felt entirely okay with that. Her next sentence though, was far from a lie- it was a vow, a promise. "You're safe now."

Taking the penguin from Emily and holding it in his lap, the small boy looked back to the brunette with a further question that held far more implications than he was letting on. "Where did you go, Em'ly?"

"I..." She opened her mouth to tell him that she'd simply gone back to the hotel to sleep, but she knew that that wasn't what he was referring to. "I got a new job, Henry. It's in a different place so I had to go away for a while."

"But you're staying now?" The small boy beamed suddenly, completely unaware of how much his excitement had saddened Emily.

She stared down at him for a second; opened her mouth to speak but the words wouldn't come and she was both grateful and disappointed when JJ interrupted.

"Emily's just visiting, sweetie. She has a very important job in _England_ but she took a little break just to come see you." JJ saw the mixed display of both disappointment and happiness in her son's eyes- the latter clearly for the fact that he felt special and she let that linger before she looked to Emily. "What are you doing here? I thought Garcia was picking us up?"

_That lying little..._ Emily shook her head, pushed herself off of the bed and took Henry's bag from JJ; opting to not bother telling the blonde of their friend's little game. "She had to get back to Kevin, something about a pipe bursting in their apartment. Are you ready to go?"

"Yes please. I've seen enough of hospitals for one life time. Ready, buster?" The blonde turned and leant down to pick up a still somewhat unstable Henry from the bed, wincing instantly but discreetly the moment she moved.

"Here..." Emily jumped to her side as she read the well-hidden pain in JJ's features; easily picking the small boy up with her free hand as she did. "Let me."

"Emily's it's okay, you-"

"I got it." Emily stated firmly; her smiling eyes lingering before she looked down and when those eyes returned, there was nothing of that implicative linger in them. "Shall we?"

JJ nodded and indicated her arm for Emily to leave the room first- a deliberate move so that the brunette, with her all seeing, all knowing eyes wouldn't even have the chance to find what she knew to be floating in her own. _Hope_. It was wrong. In all of this she had learnt that hope was a very, very dangerous thing and yet with the sight before her - with Henry snuggled into her chest as she wrapped her free arm around him and carried him out of the hospital, with the fact that she was simply _here_ - she really couldn't help it.

Finally walking alongside the older woman, she whispered with a smirk. "You forget I've been in your apartment before. Didn't that little guy's home used to be right by your bed?"

"You'll never prove it." Emily straightened her shoulders, looked straight ahead like JJ's accusations were untrue- but the smile on her lips told of a different story.

JJ grinned at her lame efforts to evade her jokingly judgmental eye – just like she had several years ago when she'd first noticed the penguin on her nightstand and made some comment about a forty-odd year old woman needing a comfort aid – and found herself entirely lost to this moment and the natural ease with which it seemed to flow.

Out in the parking lot, she observed with a warm heart as Emily stood at the door to the back seat of her car and looked between the now-sleeping boy in her arms and the child seat with utter confusion. The knowledge that Emily must have purchased such a thing on the way over here – Henry's other seat was still in her own wrecked vehicle – was somewhat amazing in itself, but the current expression on her face was priceless perfection. She knew that the older woman was trying to figure out how the hell she was supposed to get him into that seat without waking him or hitting his already fragile head on the door frame, but for a moment she couldn't help but bask in her own amusement- wholly surprised when Emily somehow managed something that, even being a mother, had taken her weeks to master.

Slipping the small child into his booster seat with eventual ease, Emily clipped him in with his new friend, quietly closed the door and turned with a somewhat proud look on her face- an expression that abruptly disappeared when she noticed JJ staring at her with something she couldn't read. She coughed to clear herself of embarrassment before wandering over to the driver's side door; leaving JJ to climb into the passenger side and speaking again when she did. There was a coldness in her exterior that hadn't even been mildly present in her interactions with Henry that she kind of hated herself for, but there were still parts of her fighting everything that was coming so easily. Ease always came with a catch. "You still at the same address?"

"I am..." JJ answered, her eyes narrowing gently. "Why wouldn't I-"

"I don't know, I just guess with you and Will separating, I..." Emily trailed off, biting her lip as she turned the key in the ignition and pulled out of the hospital grounds. Her mind wandered for longer than she realised before a hand rested against her own and her startled, wide eyes shot briefly to JJ's then back to the road.

"This wasn't your fault." The blonde stated honestly, her eyes refusing to budge from Emily's profile. She needed her to see that it really wasn't her fault. "This was me, Emily. There's things that... things that you don't know. Things that I kept from you, from everyone. From myself even. You didn't break us, you didn't even destroy me and Will because I should have handled things differently long before I met him. I should have been honest with him before I..." She shook her head, wanting to avoid the possibility of painting what happened between her and Emily as a regret. It would never _be_ a regret, despite the chaos that it had caused. "It wasn't right for me to bring him in on my dishonesty, to lie to him as much as I was still lying to myself and to you. I mean, I wouldn't change that for the world because then I wouldn't have Henry, but he deserved honesty. You all did."

Emily swallowed hard, her jaw locking as she tried to keep her emotions in check- emotions that she was wholly surprised that she _genuinely_ felt. They weren't fucked up or twisted, lacking or fading; they were real. Real human emotions that she hadn't felt in... well, since yesterday afternoon when Henry had opened his eyes. And before that- many months ago. The last time she'd made love to JJ. Not the brief tryst in the supply closet, but the last time that she truly let herself submerge in the possibility that they were forever. Unconditional.

Clearing her throat again, she spoke. "Would you, er... Would you like to talk about it?"

"Perhaps we should..." JJ nodded with sincerity in her eyes. "Perhaps it's time but..."

Emily looked briefly to the younger woman as she faltered; recognised instantly the grip that she had on both the seat and the door. She couldn't work out if it was because of the topic, or because of what had happened the last time that she was in a car, but either way, now wasn't the time. "How about we put him to bed and I'll make some coffee and we can try then." They were purposely chosen words- meant to be comforting and soothing in a way that didn't directly draw attention to the fact that JJ was clearly petrified; perhaps, now she thought about it, more so about the fact that they were driving under less than great conditions, and for the remainder of the journey, she didn't once take her eyes off of the road.

It was twenty more minutes before they made it to JJ's house, the car chugging with difficulty along the unplowed driveway that had clearly been forgotten in the midst of everything else. Emily didn't hesitate when she climbed out of the vehicle- she instantly went to the backseat and with surprising ease, pulled out a sleeping Henry and a go-bag of his belongings; purposely avoiding the blue eyes that she could feel watching her every move. She wasn't sure what she'd find there if she looked, but she was afraid to see nonetheless.

Once inside, JJ didn't even protest when Emily began climbing the stairs with Henry- something that surprised the brunette. She had at least expected some kind of a fight about how she was perfectly able – JJ always had been almost as stubborn as her - but she couldn't ignore the feeling in her stomach when no such argument came. It was like it was natural; like, for the first time in so long, JJ was simply allowing her to be there.

Aside from the guilt that still hadn't quite subsided, Emily also hadn't forgotten what the blonde had done for her all those months ago, on that night when she had called out of the blue. There had been no accusations or arguments; JJ had simply been there for her. Perhaps the blonde had been grateful for being given the opportunity to do that then just like she herself was grateful for that chance right now. If the small snippets of information that she had heard were correct, there was so much recently that she hadn't been there for her for, through JJ's own apparent need to shut her out, and she understood that more than most. Just like she understood how difficult it was to give someone the chance to see her vulnerable side so she _was_ grateful... It felt odd to call it such a thing, but it was a gift.

Having tucked Henry into bed and made sure that his penguin was right beside him should he wake up, she silently closed the door behind her and stopped mid-step at the top of the stairs- because at the bottom, a new world was about to unfold, one that she was probably less prepared for than JJ was. One where she would need to be understanding and open-minded and not allow her constantly questioning nature to run the show- one where she would need to be _human_. However, when she finally found the courage to descend those stairs, what greeted her at the bottom was wholly unexpected...

Her hands went out again like they had at the hospital as strangely-strong arms wrapped around her neck. But it wasn't that entirely unexpected grip that kept her own hands hovering, it was the soft lips... the ones that brushed against her pulse point and caused her whole body to flood with both arousal and fear.

"I know Will spoke to you, Emily." JJ whispered, sensing the other woman's trepidation. "But I'm not going to break. I'm not fragile. You are allowed to touch me."

Emily closed her eyes gently and swallowed; for a brief moment allowing herself to float in the feel of JJ's breath tickling her neck, and slowly, the tension in her outstretched hands began to cease. It truly was like she was floating, in heaven or something equally as cheesy, and with a broken breath that told clearly of her arousal, she struggled to bring herself back down to earth.

"You have no idea how much I want to." She whispered, her heart racing as she gently pushed JJ away; her eyes still closed as her hands rested at the blonde's hips. "But that isn't why I'm here-" Garcia had gotten through to her somewhat back at the hotel, but she didn't think suddenly jumping into bed with the blonde was exactly the best move either- especially when she was certain that such a thing was only being initiated through desperation that she herself had caused. She was certain that JJ was clutching at straws, placing herself in a position where she'd simply take anything because she knew that soon enough, she'd be gone again and no part of Emily wanted that. "- and I don't think that is what you need right now."

She couldn't see it, but the tears in JJ's eyes were instant. It was only when a sob broke free of her throat and she turned to move away that she even noticed it, and instinct drove her once hovering, tentative arms out to wrap around the blonde's slim form. "Shhh, you're okay. It's okay."

"I know." JJ sniffled into Emily's chest. "I know it is." And then she laughed; pulled back and looked up at Emily with tears in her eyes. "I think that's why I'm crying."

"You're crying because it's okay?" Emily looked down with a soft smile.

"I'm crying because I'm not afraid anymore."

"What were you afraid of?" The brunette questioned with compassion in her eyes, recognising the sudden but much-needed segue that had been presented with that admission.

"Everything..." JJ sniffled once more and took a step back; turned for the living room with Emily in tow and took a seat upon the coach. Her eyes fixed on the ground, then the coffee table as she began. "I'm so sorry that I allowed fear to get the better of me. That I never gave you the opportunity to be there for me. That I never gave you the chance to understand. But you..." She looked up in defense. "You have to understand how much I love-loved... you. Who wants the closeted technical virgin who had to force herself to even touch the woman she wants-wanted..." She shook her head uncomfortably; searching for the right words and finding only frustration. "I just... I guess telling you the truth meant telling you how petrified I was, and I didn't want you to look at me any different. I loved the way you looked at me, Emily... Like I was the only person in the room."

Emily knew that fear- knew it very well. There was no one else on this planet that looked at her the way that JJ did, and she was still too blind to realise that that hadn't changed one bit since that night three and a half years ago. There was still a very real glow of love in the blonde's eyes that wasn't even remotely tainted by the places that she knew her to have been- but perhaps her ignorance to it was through fear too. The moment she accepted that love, was typically the moment that she lived to regret.

Suddenly, Garcia's words became very prominent to her- being _there_ didn't mean taking one thousand steps forward, maybe it simply meant taking one. And perhaps that one step in that moment, meant offering the blonde the same honesty that she had just given her.

"JJ..." She moved from her spot opposite the blonde and knelt before her, wanting so badly to tell her that to her, she _was_ the only person in _any_ room, but she just couldn't. She wanted to give her honesty and intended to, but she still couldn't shake the feeling that offering _that_ kind of honesty was only ensuring that it would hurt the younger woman far worse when it turned out that she couldn't do this- when it turned out that she could be there in person, but not at all in spirit. "You're right, you didn't give me the chance, but I get it. I never gave you a chance either. I'd like to say that I never would have looked at you differently, but I guess I kind of did when I didn't bother to look beyond my own lust and fear to see that there was more to your story..."

"Lust?" JJ looked up to Emily with unmasked fear and sadness in her eyes; the word stuck in her throat like a razor blade. "Lust..."

Emily knew what JJ was getting at. But where would be the sense in telling her that it was far more than lust when in two days, she was leaving in again? "It's not important now, JJ. The fact is that you're here, you've come this far... I spoke to Garcia last night, she told me that you came out to your family." A genuine smile erupted on her face. "I was really proud to hear that. I am proud of _you_. Do you realise how far you've come?"

JJ shrugged noncommittally; her mind still focused on what she felt was a clear lack of romantic feelings on Emily's part- something that she hadn't truly prepared herself for and actually, had probably been in denial against for the past several months. That wasn't Emily's fault of course; just like you can't force _away_ feelings that you don't want to feel, you also can't force feelings where there just aren't any. And as she looked up to still smiling brown eyes, she realised that that had to be okay, that that _was_ okay. Perhaps Emily didn't love her in the way that she wanted, but she loved her enough to be here right now- to fly over four thousand miles at a second's notice, and if two days was all she got, she'd take that.


	31. Chapter 31

**Author's Note: **Just a few more chapters after this and the next one won't be as slow (promise). You would have had them all today but, alas, life gets in the way sometimes. Will try to get the rest to you tonight but it will likely be tomorrow.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Thirty: <strong>**_Questions, Revelations, and Possibilities_**

She drew a long, deep breath as she stood at JJ's front door the following night; tugged on the bottom of her shirt nervously before she raised her hand to knock- such a thing in itself causing her to both roll her eyes and feel saddened at how much had changed. There had never been a day in her life prior to their affair that she had knocked at JJ's door, and yet since the moment it began, she constantly seemed to be asking for permission, constantly seemed to be bathed in confidence-draining uncertainty. Something that, when that door opened and adoring blue eyes met hers, she realised was self-imposed.

"You came…"

"I… wouldn't miss it." Emily nodded lamely, knowing that it was a total lie because she'd actually spent the past three hours trying to figure out how she could _justifiably_ miss it. Not that she didn't want to celebrate Henry's release from the hospital, of course, but it wasn't as simple as that.

See, it wasn't even JJ… It wasn't a single one of them. It was the fact that this would be the first time since… _everything_, that every piece of disruption that she had caused in this part of her life would be in one room. Singularly, she could handle; could gloss over the words that hadn't been exchanged, the details she was still omitting, the lingering questions that were never dare asked. But together… she could already feel the suffocating weight of their disapproval, their grief, the pain that she had caused- the questions they had, the points they needed to make for closure, the conflict they found between wanting to believe in her and not trusting her to never hurt them again.

It was Hotch, whom she hadn't spoken to since that day she left his office five months ago. It was Garcia who, even since their conversation, still had questions for her that she couldn't answer- the main one being, _so what's the progress update_? It was Reid who hadn't said one word to her, and Rossi who had said much less. It was Morgan who, despite his typically warm nature, still held a look in his eyes that depicted betrayal and suspicion. It was Will who, even after their conversation, she could tell still had ten thousand things to say to her and yet had no clue how to say any of them. It was Leah who, despite the warmth that she had exuded back at the hospital and the fact that it was her who had called her after JJ and Henry's accident, she couldn't help but wonder what she knew, what she'd been told, what judgment she was casting her way.

It was JJ… JJ whom she still had so much to say to, but already knew almost certainly that she would never find the words- that she would run again before they left her cowardly lips.

It was all of them combined; smothering, crushing, terrifying. It was the preconceived notion of just how this night would play out, and the certainty that it couldn't possibly go any other way.

Following JJ into the hall and through to the living room, she was certain that she heard the very moment that everything stopped and fell silent; felt the chill of judgment prickle over her skin as disapproving eyes bored through her; almost tasted the hatred coursing through the air as she shrunk in her spot. But as she blinked and truly opened her eyes, she couldn't help the frown that formed on her face when she realised that absolutely none of that was real. In fact, the only judgment and hatred in the room seemed to be coming from Reid and was directly aimed at the fact that Rossi had somehow learnt how to beat him at poker– something that actually faded to a smile when he saw her, like she was the redemption in the room, not the cause of the chaos.

"Emily." He grinned, distracted from his game and immediately stood to hug her. "It's so good to see you. You wanna play poker? Rossi's cheating."

She had to laugh- knowing the reason that he wanted her to play was because of that night many years ago when she had kicked his butt and he _still_ wanted to prove to himself that he was the elite at such a game. "Definitely."

Her smile lingered as she looked around the room and found nothing to be as her mind had painted it. There was no hell fire raining down on her, no accusations or looks of anger, hatred, betrayal; no cold shoulders and no disappointment. Actually, what there was, was some kind of dysfunctional fairytale that was far better than any she had read as a child. She wasn't sure what role she naturally assumed in that fairytale, but it didn't much matter and as her eyes finally fell on JJ, the reassuring wink that the blonde cast her way was everything.

And that is where sound rushed back to her ears; the music that hadn't actually stopped began again, the eyes that hadn't actually been judgmentally fixated upon her diverted their attention, the pressure crushing against her chest that had actually been in her own mind eased and her smile deepened.

"I'll hold you to that." Reid grinned, oblivious to the mind altering journey that Emily had taken in the space of just two seconds; and went back to his game with Rossi.

"Drink?" JJ questioned with a nod towards the kitchen.

"I'd love one."

**CM-CM-CM**

For the next three hours, she interacted with the people surrounding her like she'd never been gone. Laughed and shared stories – even about London despite it being somewhat of an elephant in the room – kept her promise to Reid, met the very reason that Will hadn't been as angry as she had anticipated the other day, and in all of it, began to question herself in wholly different ways to what she had in recent months.

It was an odd feeling, and one that left her needing to breathe. Quietly extracting herself from the party that was still in full swing, she pulled on her jacket and wandered out to JJ's back porch; kicked away some of the snow and took a seat on the wooden decking with one question burning brightly through every other…

Why was she still planning to leave this behind? What the hell was she thinking? She had originally left to figure things out, to figure herself out, and here were her answers, her truth; and instead of her mind rushing with just how difficult it was going to be tomorrow when she said her goodbyes again, she was unconsciously running through every possible scenario that would mean that she didn't have to.

"I want you back, Emily." Hotch spoke suddenly, knowingly interrupting her odd clarity as he took a seat beside her; his face giving nothing away despite the alcohol in his system.

She laughed softly as she looked to him- her next admission likely down to the three drinks that she had consumed but strangely, she didn't feel exposed once it was out there. "If I ever came back, Hotch, it wouldn't be for the job. It would be for JJ."

"Why not both?"

She looked to him for a moment like it was a joke, considered the notion for a brief second when she realised that it wasn't, and then finally settled on a laugh that belied just how significant the moment was. "Are you serious? You don't have that kind of power."

Looking down guiltily - the first real emotion that she had seen cross his features since Hayley's death - he spoke again. "I do, Emily. But it involves crossing a line that I am only even considering because you are one of the best agents we had and I know you'd never come back if it meant you weren't coming back to her too."

"What…" Emily shook her head with a frown and turned to face him fully. "What do you mean?"

"There are things-" Hotch began cryptically. "-things about Erin Strauss that I know she'd never want anyone else to know. Things that… if presented to her in a particular fashion may encourage her to give you your job back despite your relationship with a fellow agent. Things that may encourage her to allow you to keep your job _and_ JJ."

Emily cocked her head but kept her eyes fixed on Hotch; the question in those dark eyes obvious. It was difficult enough to get her head around the now clear knowledge that he had probably known all along that she'd lied to him all those months ago – that he had probably known all along that her and JJ were more than a onetime deal – but the implications in his words overshadowed that entirely.

"No." She responded solidly- she didn't know exactly what he had over her, but it didn't much matter, she knew what his main point was and there was no chance that she was going to allow him to do that. "You are not blackmailing her to get me back my job, that isn't _you_. You're not that person and I refuse to _make_ you that person. And honestly, I'd be forever in your debt, questioning every move I made through fear of making you regret a decision that goes well beyond your morals."

"That's what friends do, Emily."

Her heart ached, not with pain but with appreciation. Compassion and honesty burned in her eyes as she looked down and then met his eyes once more. "And I thank you for that. I _really_ do. But friends also don't let other friends risk their job for them. And I did that enough to you already." Looking down, she swallowed sadly, and when she looked up again, there was something different in her eyes- a solid decision and an answer to her own question that he had inadvertently now answered for her. "I'm not coming back. There comes a point where too much damage has been done and all you can do is walk away before you cause more."

"Or…" Hotch began as he rose to his feet. "You could look at it differently. You could realise that there's also a point where all you've done is run. That eventually, you have to just stop looking for something better and realise that you have it, exactly where you're at." There was a slightly bitter tone to his voice that he knew was unlike him, but he purposely let it linger. "Enjoy the rest of your evening, Emily."

**CM-CM-CM**

She wasn't certain how much longer she had been sat out there on the porch with only Hotch's words for company, but when a different voice addressed her, the change in her demanour was instant.

"Oh, hey, you." She grinned, placing her drink beside her before she reached out for Henry. "How are you enjoying your party?"

"It's good." He replied quickly- clearly not the reason that he'd ventured outside. "Why are you sat outside Em'ly? It's cold."

"It is." Emily nodded, trying to figure out a way to explain 'breathing space' to a four year old and coming up with nothing. "Why are _you_ sat outside when it's cold?"

Henry giggled as Emily jabbed him playfully in the side and then spoke with a shrug. "Cos you're out here. And I think momma was looking for you."

"Leave it to the four year old to give away all my secrets."

Emily smiled as she turned at the familiar voice, surprised to find that the comfort and safety she had found in Henry's unthreatening nature didn't disappear when she saw who had joined them. "Well in that case you better go back inside. I wanna know what other secrets of yours he has to tell me." She returned Henry's mischievous grin with her own and then looked back to JJ. "Did you need me for something?"

"Nope." JJ shook her head, scooped up her son and stole his spot; placing him on her lap and wrapping her arms around him for mutual warmth. "Just wondered where you'd got to."

"She's sitting in the cold, momma." Henry spoke before leaning into JJ's ear and whispering. "She must be secretly a penguin."

"Ohhh, giving away my secrets now too, huh?" Emily laughed- a laugh that it warmed her heart to see JJ return. Was this one of those moments that she had lost the significance of in her innate inability to just enjoy the present?

"You might be onto something there, buster." JJ nodded to her son. "But your daddy is looking for you- something about chocolate ice-cream."

"Oh I better go 'fore he eats it all." Henry turned suddenly serious; jumped from his mother's lap and wandered back inside the house; and JJ waited until he was out of earshot before she spoke- cutting right to the chase that she'd clearly been pondering for a while.

"I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" Emily frowned.

"For..." The blonde moved her head from side to side slowly before laughing in disbelief. "Yesterday, what I did... I think I just lost myself for a second."

"You don't need to be sorry for that." Emily replied sincerely. "You never need to be sorry for that. It's a good thing."

"How..." JJ frowned with a further incredulous laugh. "How the hell is that a good thing?"

"Because it shows how strong you are." The brunette smiled affectionately and then sighed; turned away and stared out at the darkened yard. "You asked me what happened, JJ. What lead me back there, to that place...? Well, I think it really does boil down to the fact that I have all of these emotions and yet I pretend every single day that I don't hold any single one of them. I pretend they don't exist, to the point where I'm almost certain that they really _don't_ exist anymore. And it always backfires in the end. But you… You're brave. You're so brave and I have no idea how you do it." Her dark eyes met JJ's. "Aren't you… aren't you scared that you'll live to regret wearing your heart on your sleeve?"

"I'm more afraid that I'll live to regret _not_ doing so." JJ replied honestly and instantly, her blue eyes studying Emily's profile when the older woman turned away. "A broken heart mends itself over time… But when that broken heart is a result of yourself, when the reason you're hurting is because you never took the chance to be happy, it just suffocates you. And that… that doesn't heal over time. It gets worse."

Emily's fingers tightened around her drink as she let out heavy but silent sigh; her dark eyes fixing on the snow below her as she absorb JJ's words. They seemed so logical in theory, but the thought of putting that indirect advice into practice caused her chest to clench almost painfully. She couldn't imagine risking a broken heart could feel any better than the reality that she had lived in recent months, but she also couldn't imagine anything more agonizingly numb than that reality either. This crossroads didn't seem so clear anymore, and neither did the decision that she had offered Hotch.

"Emily…" JJ looked down when the silence lingered too long- there was so much left to be said that she didn't even know where to begin. But Emily needed to hear it- not because she was trying to win her back, but so that she could see, at least hopefully, that her choices had never resulted from bad intentions, just confusion. And she couldn't ignore the fact that tomorrow, the brunette would be boarding a plane and disappearing – likely for good – again. "I need to explain some stu-"

"You don't need to ex-"

"Yes, I do." JJ spoke firmly. "Now… stop trying to please everyone all of the time and just… be quiet." The small amused and acquiescing smile playing on Emily's lips as she nodded in silence gave her confidence. Pushing herself up from beside the older woman, she paced a little as she searched for the correct words; scuffing her boot into the snow beneath her feet and crossed her arms over her chest. "The night… The night I came to your apartment to tell you how I felt… I never intended to omit the part about Will cheating." She shook her head as she looked back to Emily. "I just didn't want you to think that that was the only reason I was telling you how I felt. I didn't want you to think it was some kind of rebound or way to mask the hurt that he'd caused me because Emily…" She stopped pacing and allowed her telling eyes to fully meet the other woman's. "It was the fact that his admission _didn't_ cause me any pain that made me realise how I felt about you. I tried… I tried to tell you that, but it was too late. He-"

"That's what you were going to say when he knocked at the door?" Emily finally pieced together, unintentionally cutting JJ off.

"Yes." The blonde whispered with a nod. "But even if I'd been able to, it would already have been too late. I started lying the second I was born, and began convincing _myself_ with that lie many years later when I decided to live my life as a heterosexual woman."

"Jennifer…" Emily frowned with empathy. And it was empathy- perhaps she didn't have an exact understanding of JJ's turmoil, but she certainly understood the very lonely and conflicted place that pretending to be something you weren't could leave you in. "I am so sorry that you had to do that, and alone too."

"You don't need to be sorry, Emily." JJ shook her head with honesty in her eyes. "You really don't. The past is the past and right now… I'm more content than I've ever been. More clear. A huge weight has just _gone_ and it almost makes everything worth it. I mean…" She swallowed guiltily, realising what she had just implied. "Obviously there's pain I wish I hadn't caused but life is never as simple and easy as you hope for it to be."

"You're not wrong there." Emily smiled softly.

"Who wants simple and easy anyway, right?" JJ smirked before clasping her hands together and sitting once again beside Emily. "Anyway, my point is that sometimes you need the worse to happen to make you see clearly. You leaving... it sucked, it really did, but it I'm very certain it was a good thing in the long run. If you'd stayed, I probably would have clung to you and avoided finding myself. And I _needed_ to find myself." She looked to Emily with sincerity. "But I never intended to lie to you, and I am so sorry that in a lot of ways I did. I'm so sorry that I ruined us. I should have known that you're not everyone else…" Her eyes lifted to the window of her house and the scene that was unfolding inside. "I should have known that _they're_ not everyone else."

"Fear is a powerful thing." Emily spoke with more understanding than she was admitting, but something in JJ's eyes told her that she didn't need to admit that- that she already knew.

"It is. It's paralysing. It's blinding." She let her blue eyes linger for a moment. "But courage is a powerful thing too. It always finds a way to win out eventually."

Emily's eyes narrowed with sadness that was too obvious to mask. She so wanted that to be true- she so wanted to find the bravery and clarity necessary to find her way out of this prison and she was trying, but it was so engrained these days that she was certain she'd never be as lucky as JJ.

"Anyway." JJ pressed her hands to her thighs and moved to head back inside. There were probably ten thousand other things that she was supposed to explain in this moment but they just wouldn't come. There was almost too much to unpack in regard to this situation that she knew it would have to be done in waves and doses; given when the moment called for it rather than forced in a given time slot. It sucked that Emily was leaving again tomorrow, and it was for that reason that she felt she needed to stay out here with her all night and force confessions, explanations, and yet her mind was failing her. All she could do was hope that one day, she'd have more of an opportunity to give this woman what she deserved. "I should get back inside."

"Wait." Emily grabbed the blonde's arm before she could even really question what she was doing- and spoke before she could remind herself of the seemingly solid decision that she had come to thirty minutes ago. "I... I was thinking of staying another day…"

JJ pondered the correct response for a moment, but when no words came she simply smiled. "My son had a point, it is pretty cold out here and I do believe Reid and Morgan are about to play Twister." She reached out for Emily's hand. "Do you really wanna miss that?"

The moment her fingers tentatively met JJ's was electric, and the solid response she offered fell from a shaky breath. "No chance."

**CM-CM-CM**

It was almost 1am by the time everybody had left and Henry was tucked up in bed; leaving Emily and JJ alone- the brunette leant against the counter by the sink whilst the blonde sat at one of the stools around her kitchen island, her fingers tracing the patterns in the wood.

"Are you drunk?" Emily questioned as she spun her glass between her palms; genuinely unsure why she was posing such a question, but she imagined it had something to do with still trying to convince herself that the enlightening conversation they had shared earlier could be written off as nothing. If it was a drunken slur, maybe she could abandon the crossroads she was still at and have the decision made for her.

"Not even close." JJ shook her head, looking to the brunette with a smile and a sigh. "Something about hosting a party that makes it considerably difficult to wind down."

"You didn't have fun?"

JJ smiled. "Probably the most fun I've had in a long time. Watching Reid beat Morgan at Twister? Never thought I'd see that day."

"I'm pretty certain I'd never see Rossi in such a relaxed setting, but I guess we all found something surprising in this evening." Emily chuckled. It wasn't the only surprise she'd found, but she didn't want to taint this moment- disrupt the easy conversation they were having with something unnecessarily heavy. Something that JJ's next words actually did for her.

"When do you leave?"

"I have to rebook my flight, but I checked on my phone earlier and the next one isn't until Christmas Eve so I imagine then." She nodded. "Which gives me all of tomorrow and then I'll fly out the following morning."

All JJ could do was nod, her eyes fixed to the bottle cap that she was now flipping between her fingertips. Just like Emily, she hadn't been sure why she had posed her own question, but the current disappointment in her chest told her that her reason had solely been hope. It was odd, because she was honestly in a place where she didn't even want to clutch at straws to get Emily to stay – something that told her how much she'd grown – but she'd have to be a robot to not wish that things were different.

"I um, I picked up something for Henry though. For Christmas. So maybe I could…" Emily interjected when the silence became too strong; placed her empty glass on the counter behind her and sighed. "I dunno. I can have Garcia bring it over on Christmas day-"

"He's staying at Hotch's with Jack tomorrow night, but he's not leaving until three." JJ cut in. "You could come over before then and give it to him. I'm sure he'd like to see you again before you leave."

"I'd like that." Emily smiled- the five-hundredth smile in less than three days that seemed to linger and consume the both of them, and she had to stop it before her convictions crumbled entirely. "Anyway, I should be heading out. It's getting late."

She wasn't sure what she'd wanted, but she certainly didn't want Emily to leave. She also knew, however, that if she was to stay, she'd probably wind up doing exactly what she had yesterday and she wasn't certain that she'd be able to stop herself this time. So she pushed herself up from her stool and nodded. "It is."

"I'll see you tomorrow though?" Emily called behind her as JJ followed her through the hall to the front door; and as she opened it and stepped beyond the threshold, she suddenly felt uncomfortable and frozen in time- but the warm arms that turned her and pulled her abruptly into a hug settled her instantly.

"Thank you for coming home, Emily."


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter Thirty-one: ****_Last Chance_**

"Wait, wait, wait…" Emily uttered in concentration as she grabbed three more blocks and placed them strategically on top of the sixty or so already piled up in front of her.

"Em'ly, that's gonna fall." Henry looked on with wide, anxious eyes. "That is _far_ too big."

"Where is your optimism, mister?" Realising that the four year old probably didn't know what optimism was, she smiled and nodded towards the box of blocks to his left that she'd bought him for Christmas. "Pass me a few more."

He shook his head disapprovingly and did so before stepping back out of the possible disaster zone. "Momma is not gonna be happy when you make a mess."

All Emily could do was chuckle- how was a four year old more of an adult than she was? Honestly, she was relishing the possibility of the tower they'd built collapsing. Because she knew the moment that it did, despite his trepidation, Henry would giggle and that sound over the past few days had quickly became something that gave her more and more strength each time she heard it. It erased the rest of the noise in her mind, and whilst it didn't necessarily make her succumb to fairytales that she was still convinced weren't hers to hold, it did ensure that she didn't necessarily want to run from them.

Placing the 67th block on an already wobbly tower, Emily waited with the same anticipation as Henry as it wobbled some more… It seemed to sway forever, until finally, it clattered to the ground in an almighty crash that was instantly punctuated by the giggle that she had been hoping for. A giggle that caused herself to laugh- and then straighten up in unison with the small boy when JJ walked through to the living room.

"What is tha-" She raised her eyebrow in the direction of Emily when she saw the mess, instantly knowing that her son was not the one to blame. "_Really_, Emily? You were supposed to watch him for five minutes while I got his stuff ready."

"Hey." Emily threw her hands out in defense. "We didn't do it."

"Oh really?" JJ smirked. "Then who did?"

Both the small boy and Emily remained silent for a moment as they searched for an explanation, and much to the brunette's surprise and humour, it was Henry who jumped in- pointing instantly to his toy penguin. "Him." He shook his head with a disapproving sigh. "I told him momma, but he wouldn't listen."

All JJ could do was blink in amazement- her son had just blatantly lied to her and yet she couldn't find it in herself to be angry. "Well in that case, maybe he doesn't deserve to go on your trip with you."

The small boy frowned and then sighed. "Fine." He pouted. "Em'ly did it."

"Hey!" Emily laughed. "You're not supposed to get me in trouble."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" JJ chuckled softly. "Anyway, you better go grab your toothbrush. Uncle Arron and Jack will be here soon." Once Henry had skipped away with a mischievous grin still present on his face, the blonde turned her attention back to Emily. "Looks like you better clean this mess up."

"Yeah." The brunette replied simply, her smile lingering as she got to work on fixing the disarray that she had very much enjoyed creating. "Um, JJ…" She grabbed the blonde's attention before she could leave the room. "I, um…" She looked down nervously, feeling entirely like she did as a teenager when she asked the first girl she liked out on a date. "Well, I… It's my last night and I was wondering-"

"I think they're playing Christmas Vacation on TV tonight." JJ cut in off-handedly. "And with no four year old around, all that candy I got for the holidays is gonna need eating."

Emily smiled, grateful that JJ had jumped in and saved her from her fumbling. "That sounds great."

**CM-CM-CM**

This moment was truly perfect. She'd easily lost another $1000 in ditching her flight, but that was nothing compared to this... It was like she had stepped into a time machine without even realising it; one that had picked her and JJ up and placed them somewhere almost four years ago. Back to when they were inseparable, even before that fateful night when the blonde had witnessed her in all of her dysfunctional glory; without the complications and just this natural need to spend as much time together as possible. She had enjoyed that... back when she just _knew_ that JJ simply wanted to be with her without having to question it, when it was nothing to do with obligation- an obligation that was probably always non-existent but, as she now realised, was likely also what had placed a growing wedge between them.

"So, Leah..." She smirked and tossed another piece of candy into her mouth. "What's the deal there?"

"Don't say it like that." JJ rolled her eyes; a slight defensiveness in the gesture that probably derived from the fact that she _had_ actually thought about such implications at one point or another. "She's married, and honestly... I don't think of her that way."

"Oh come, Jayje. She's hot, with a damn amazing smile and... wow." Emily blinked as she thought about just how attractive Leah really was- something that then left her spiraling into further questions as to whether anything truly had happened between her and JJ despite the blonde's denial. Questions that she really shouldn't have when she still wasn't being honest with the blonde about how she herself felt. Did she have any right?

"Sounds like _you_ have a crush on her." JJ interrupted and leant forward to steal some of the candy from the bowl in Emily's lap. "Unfortunately, her wife is lovely so I may have to kick your butt if you even consider going there."

Hurt unconsciously flickered in Emily's eyes and her voice was small when she spoke. "I'm not always a home wrecker, Jayje."

"I know." JJ nodded empathetically, regretful for the words that had wholly supposed to have been a joke. "If I thought for a second that that was your MO, I wouldn't have even made a joke out of it. I think that would be too close to the nerve." She studied Emily for a moment, found curiousity in her gaze. "But since we're tossing those questions around, what about Kate?"

Emily sighed with brief despondency. There was still so much related to that one topic that she had left to unpack, but she couldn't avoid the fact that part of that unpacking process involved venturing down a path that she no longer had a right to. Kate was a closed book to her now - one that wasn't even on her shelf anymore - and she couldn't help but feel some kind of longing for the story that she hadn't finished reading, the pages that she had had left to turn before she had forcibly ensured that it came to an end. "I spoke to her... like you told me to..."

JJ's stomach churned. Yes, she was dealing with the fact that Emily no longer held those feelings for her, had even avoided questioning that despite how the past few days had been for them- but the story that she was certain she was about to hear wasn't one that she was prepared for. There was a difference between accepting something and being reminded of it. But still, she smiled; focused her efforts on chewing the candy in her mouth as she forced interest where there was only dread. "And? You get it all figured out?"

"Not exactly." Emily shifted and curled her shoulders; looked away and pulled her lip between her teeth. Perhaps this would be so much easier to explain if it truly was what she could see JJ assumed it to be - if she had been romantically involved with this person - but she hadn't been. It had been something else... almost on par with what she felt about JJ and her family here, but also on an entirely different playing field. It wasn't love or attraction, it was just a connection that so sparsely presents itself in life, especially in her world and she didn't know how to even begin explaining that- especially when the object of that confliction didn't even exist anymore. "She basically told me she doesn't wanna know, and she was probably justified too."

"I'm really sorry to hear that, Emily." JJ frowned; and she really was sorry. She spoke again when she combined the fact that Emily had to see reason in everything, with the current expression on the brunette's face. "But something good did come out of it. Do you know that?" An instant questioning expression formed in Emily's eyes. "If it wasn't for her, would you have ever recognised that you disappear when you care about someone? That you're able to have a more personal relationship with a stranger than someone you care for? That… the only people you get close to are the ones who don't really get close at all?"

Emily looked down guiltily as well as in somewhat unwanted realisation. "Perhaps not."

"Hey…" JJ brushed her hand over Emily's to get her attention. "I'm not trying to upset you. I've just… realised a lot recently that sometimes, people are thrown into your path in order to help you find the right direction. Nothing more, nothing less. Perhaps that is what Kate was. Perhaps her point was to give you enough outside perspective to be able to see things with your own eyes."

"When did you become a philosopher?" Emily smirked, making light of the conversation and the words that had left a strange combination of relief and disappointment in her chest.

"Oh, you think you're the only one who can toss fancy words of wisdom around?"

"Not at all." Emily grinned. "I'm just far better at it than you."

JJ returned her smile, before her eyes dropped and her face turned serious again. "So if you weren't with her… what did you do for those two months, Emily?" The question directly addressed what had immediately proceeded from the point that the two of them had last spoken before she had shown up in the US like she had never been gone. "I never… I never contacted you after that night because I thought… I _hoped_, that you'd found some kind of peace with her. I wanted to just let you be. And now… Now I'm not so sure it was the best thing to do. I wish I'd known you were alone."

"No, it _was_ the best thing to do." Emily reassured. "Sometimes it isn't a bad thing to disappear off of the face of the earth... Like you, I needed to find myself again, without losing myself in another person in the process. So I shut myself off from the world, almost in every sense of the word. I took the time to figure out how to enjoy the moment, appreciate people, and get my thoughts together. To figure out who I was, remind myself that I was stronger than..." Her shoulders curled uncomfortably as she thought about how thoroughly weak she had felt that night almost four years ago; had felt that night two months ago; had felt pretty much every single day since she was old enough to recognise thoughts and feelings. "Well, ya know. I just took time."

"Time is good." JJ nodded, instantly feeling hypocritical considering how much she had hated time over recent months- how it dragged when you were trapped in a place that made no sense. But perhaps she had been too hasty in her hatred for it, especially in Emily's regard. Because right now, here she was, sat upon her couch - a sight that she never thought she would see again - and perhaps it truly was time that had lead her here. Time, and a whole lot of self-discovery. "I think time is one of the things you lack sometimes. The ability to _enjoy_ it." She smiled subtly when she saw realisation in Emily's eyes. "And now?"

"Well... now..." Emily began with a genuine, growing smile. "Now I enjoy music again. I enjoy Mother Nature again. I sleep like a baby and I don't fear every second of my existence. Right now... I am truly enjoying this moment instead of already planning the next. I know it'll come back, I know that." She nodded with some kind of sad acceptance. "Only this time, I'll be prepared for it."

"I hope so." JJ offered honestly. "Just don't forget that you're not alone in it... Don't forget that you always have me, even if I am thousands of miles away." She sighed when she realised those words probably wouldn't cut it. "Look, I know that things have been incessantly difficult between us and I can't fix that. I should have simplified things, but nothing about falling for you was simple for me. Nothing. And I know that things have been... _strained_. Badly. But I'm here. I can't stress that enough, Emily. I just hope to god that you still believe it."

Their eyes lingered for a moment before Emily's gaze broke suddenly with a reminder that her traitorous mind wasn't too far away- the thoughts that weren't always her own really were continuously present. Her eyes glazed over as she fought the urge to ask, and she couldn't work out if she was grateful or afraid when JJ drew attention to it.

"What is it, Emily?"

Her heart raced in her chest. She didn't want to answer the question, she didn't want to hear the answer to her own, and yet she couldn't stop herself from venturing there. "Um, I was just... just wondering if nothing happened between you and Leah, how about-"

"Yes." JJ nodded as a whisper, almost regretfully but at the same time emboldened. Yes, she had slept with other people, and they hadn't all turned out disastrous like the first time she had tried it with someone other than Emily, and yes she had enjoyed it, and no she hadn't regretted it- in fact, she was happy that she had found her confidence again. But still, they were in dangerous territory now; ex's discussing their conquests for the first time since they were together was always a mine field. And then there was something else... the fact that Emily was even asking. Why would she ask if she didn't care?

In one swift moment, things that she had somehow forgotten that she had ever learnt about the brunette popped into her mind. Of course Emily still _cared_... she was an idiot for ever believing that she didn't. If one thing was ever true about Emily Prentiss, it was that she didn't love often, in any capacity, but when she did it was forever. Besides, if she was wrong, that meant that Emily had lied to her all those months ago when she had admitted the strongest kind of romantic feelings... and she couldn't bare that thought far more than the possibility that she had lost the brunette's affections somewhere along this journey. "A few people. How about you?"

Emily took just a split second to toss her emotions back into a box to deal with when she got back to London; casually pulled a sucker from the candy bowl in front of her and shoved it into her mouth. "Um, actually, no."

And just like that, she turned her attention back to the movie playing on the screen, ensuring herself oblivious to the look in JJ's eyes. It was only when the blonde spoke again with a question that she really didn't want that she even looked back.

"Why?" Honestly, she hadn't expected that response and the question had slipped from her lips without any real prior thought.

Emily sighed as she pulled the sucker from her mouth; sucked her bottom lip briefly between her teeth as she pondered her response that in her mind had been instant. "Because it would have been a lie."

JJ succumbed to the silence for a moment and the cryptic words that were lingering there. Leaning forward quietly, she removed the bowl from Emily's lap and replaced it with her outstretched legs; her blue eyes studying the other woman's profile and witnessing the very moment when a shaky breath was masked with a belying laugh.

"Oh, you just make yourself comfortable Jayje , don't mind me." Emily chuckled; making light of the fact that she felt wholly content in this moment, with JJ's legs resting over her lap as they watched some cheesy Christmas movie. Just a second go, she had felt entirely exposed; suffocating in the implications of the honest answer that she had given - like telling JJ she had slept with other people would somehow have protected her in some way - and yet now, she felt wholly safe.

"Oh I intend to." JJ grinned back and stretched a little more. "I wouldn't be opposed to a foot rub too. Ya know, since you want me to make myself comfortable and all. I mean, I _was_ in a car accident just five days ago."

"Wow..." Emily laughed. "Really? You're playing the car accident card already?"

"Hm-hmm." JJ nodded and snuggled further into the plush couch, wriggling her feet in the brunette's lap. "Get to work, Ms. Prentiss."

Emily shook her head and turned her attention back to the movie, her hands naturally going to JJ's feet to begin her task. There was a gentle smile on her face as she tried to focus on the actors on the screen, but she couldn't avoid the fact that yes, she really did feel content. Like, without condition, without question, without _fear_. This was an entirely nothing moment on the face of it, but beneath the surface, that was what made it so significant- it wasn't intense or overwhelmingly consuming. They had come this far that they were able to share significant nothing moments again and it felt truly amazing. It truly was _everything_. However, when she looked briefly to JJ, the somewhat fearful look in the blonde's eyes caused her smile to fade abruptly. "What are you thinking about? What's wrong…"

Absolutely nothing was wrong, that was the point. When she had laid in this position, she really hadn't considered the mental position that it would put her in. And now she was trapped; a slave to every miniscule move of Emily's skilled fingers against her feet, desperately trying to pretend that it wasn't driving her mind into the gutter. But it was. For the past three minutes, she had been trying so hard to keep her breathing steady, to not imagine that those hands were elsewhere, to pretend that she really was okay with the fact that Emily _apparently_ didn't feel that way for her anymore. Even if she had found major flaws in that last part, initiating anything surely wasn't the right way to go. But with this newly posed question, she became her own worst enemy.

"You don't wana know what I'm thinking..." She whispered with her eyes downcast and moved to leave; but now seemingly darker eyes bored into her and a strong grip on her ankle stopped her movements.

"Tell me, JJ." Emily spoke softly and yet confidently, her hands going to work once again on the muscles beneath them; purposely or unconsciously inching higher up the blonde's ankles- she wasn't sure which but she was entranced by the sudden shift in the atmosphere that she wasn't thinking straight at all. Or perhaps she was, for the first time in months. Perhaps _that_ is what was fueling her movements- that for once, she wasn't over-thinking, she was just doing. "What were you thinking?"

"I..." JJ breathed, finding increasing difficulty in the task of keeping those breaths even- and before she could think further, she bit the bullet with a barely audible whisper. "I'm thinking that I'm really jealous of that sucker right now."

Emily swallowed, her own breaths increasing until every other sound in the room faded from her ears- nothing existed but her and JJ and she couldn't help but lean a little closer; one hand removing the sucker slowly, purposely from her mouth, the other still working mindlessly up JJ's leg. "Why would you be jealous, JJ?"

There was something both daring and nervous in Emily's eyes that kept her own fixed to them. "I..." Her back arched subtly and her skin trembled as Emily's hand wondered a little higher; her eyes falling briefly closed and when she opened them again, it was just in time to watch dark brown turn black, just in time to witness that damn raspberry sucker slip between Emily's full, red lips once more and she fought to stifle a moan. Was this really happening? Was there really any reason right now to pretend that she wasn't enjoying... whatever this was? It was time to find out. "Because... because I want your mouth."

"You want my mouth?" Emily questioned as she turned herself slightly so that she was almost facing JJ; one of the blonde's legs now bent at the knee against the back of the couch, the other still over her lap so that she was effectively between them. Her hands abandoned their tentative inching and instead trailed a little more deliberately up both of JJ's bare legs until they met the much smoother skin of the blonde's upper thighs. "Where do you want my mouth, JJ?"

JJ studied the white stick still poking out of the side of Emily's mouth - well, as much as she could through her heavy eyelids - those inviting lips that formed a tempting smirk around it and finally allowed her eyes to close fully to the sight. Her mind was helplessly fixed on the sound of her heartbeat pounding in her ears, the fingers currently ghosting up her bare thighs, growing dangerously close to the bottom of her shorts with each passing moment- and it did feel like danger. She wanted this, wanted this so badly... but could she really have it when she, at this point, wasn't so certain anymore that Emily's feelings amounted to more than lust? When she knew that, no matter what the brunette's true feelings were, it didn't change the fact that, in less than one day, she would be gone again? Would taking what she wanted, leave her cravings for what she was certain she needed so much worse?

"JJ..." Emily removed the sucker from her mouth and placed it in an almost empty glass on the coffee table when the silence became too much; the twinkle gone from her eyes and replaced with trepidation as she returned them to the blonde. "Look at me..." She studied the nervous fluttering of the blonde's eyelids and consequently, the revealed fear in deep blue eyes. "We don't need to do this." She reassured. "We probably _shouldn't_ do this." Her heart jack-hammered in her chest as her fingers stilled themselves exactly where she had rested them; wishing to move higher but knowing that they probably shouldn't- how could she do that to JJ? How could she do that to _herself_? "Tell me you want me to stop, JJ, and I promise that I will."

JJ swallowed and studied Emily for a moment at the sound of those very familiar words. She examined the pure safety and comfort etched across the brunette's perfectly sculpted features and after pondering further just what it was that Emily was asking of her with her closing statement, she realised that in that moment she felt a whole world different than she had with Jess, with Andrea- even different than she had each and every time that she had been intimate with Emily in the past. Because something truly was different now, and she tossed caution to the wind. "But I don't want you to stop." Reaching out for Emily's hand, she kept her eyes locked with dark brown and trailed the brunette's outstretched palm beneath her shirt, her bra; both of them breathing a huge sigh of what sounded like relief, release, gratitude as the pads of Emily's fingers grazed an already hardened nipple, as blue and brown easily fell victim to heavy eyelids and goosebumps rose across every inch of exposed skin. "Please don't stop..."

"I forgot how amazing you feel..." Emily forced through shaky breaths; her skin trembling in the most delightful way as she allowed her hand to explore the soft skin beneath it and moved herself to hover over the blonde- as she lost her grip on what was wrong and what was right. Perhaps this wasn't right... But she loved this woman more than she had ever loved anything, and it was difficult in this moment to remember that that was the very reason that what was happening shouldn't be- because it was that love, that all-encompassing love, that would cause her to have to abandon it in less than twenty-four hours.

Christmas Eve. Of all the days she could be leaving- it would be Christmas-fucking-Eve.

JJ's insides twisted beautifully as she arched into Emily's touch; her mouth slightly parted with hastily falling breaths as she felt two hands move to slowly push up the hem of her t-shirt. She waited... waited for the mouth that she had been craving since she had watched it wrap so erotically around the candy on a stick, but before she had the chance to feel it, her own hands went out to still Emily's movements. "Wait."

Emily froze in time; trying to reign in her hormones for the words that she was wholly expecting to depict JJ's desire to stop... stop whatever this was. But before she could force out a mumbling apology and backtrack and lose herself to guilt, the blonde pushed herself up from the couch and held out her hand. For a moment she just stared between that hand and twinkling blue eyes that were still dashed with a hint of trepidation, but for the most part seemed brave, confident, clear.

"It's okay, Emily..." JJ whispered and took Emily's hand; wrapping her arms around the older woman when she finally stood and spoke directly into her ear. "It's okay. I meant what I said... I know more about you than you'll ever acknowledge, so I know you'll also never admit that everything I feel right now, _you_ do too. And that's fine. But please... trust that it also means that I know what I'm asking of you right now. I know you're leaving tomorrow…" She brushed her lips over Emily's pulse point. "I also know that you'll never be able to love me as much as you want to. But I love _you_, with everything I have, and I want just one night to be able to show you that. To be able to show you that in all the ways that I was afraid to before."

Emily's features softened, because perhaps this was her one chance too. She clearly didn't have it in her to _tell_ JJ how she felt - the blonde had been very right about that - but perhaps she didn't need to. Yes, she was leaving tomorrow, but right now, she was here- and she was going to show JJ that there was really nowhere else she would rather be, and hopefully too, erase any fear that she was only ever just a fuck without having to verbalise as much. She couldn't - wouldn't - change that she was leaving, but at least she could ensure that she wasn't running. That she wasn't turning her back on chaos. Perhaps, if she could leave her history with JJ closed and sealed, it would be somewhat easier to fly back to London tomorrow. It didn't matter that they were likely excuses to justify succumbing to her desires- they were very plausible excuses and she let them lead her.

Breaking free from the embrace, she laced her fingers with JJ's and silently led her to the stairs. It was funny, because in a moment where her mind should have been tormenting her more than ever, she actually found peace. With every step they took up those stairs, the volume in her mind eased to a gentle lullaby and any remaining tension in her body just disappeared.

Taking a seat on the edge of the bed once they reached the blonde's room, Emily held out her hand for JJ to take. "Come here..."


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter Thirty-one: Part Two: **_**Reward**_

"_Don't get too close, it's dark inside. It's where my demons hide."_

_Taking a seat on the edge of the bed once they reached the blonde's room, Emily held out her hand for JJ to take. "Come here..."_

And JJ did; slowly, almost nervously like it truly was her first time. She swallowed softly as she stood in front of Emily, her heart racing and her breaths trembling. Reaching out and brushing a fallen lock of dark hair behind Emily's ear, the last thing she had expected was for the brunette to lean into the touch; for dark eyes to close gently, contently, and with the sigh of almost relief that escaped the older woman's lips, she found her courage.

"I missed you." She whispered honestly as she leaned down to simply ghost her lips over Emily's with the sole intention of savouring their softness, but when the brunette's hands dipped beneath her shirt in response, she was quick to stop her. "Don't."

"But I- I'm sorry- I thought-" Emily stuttered quickly and uncertainly, an ineloquent quality that she didn't typically hold but seemed to be seeing quite a lot recently.

"Don't be sorry." JJ smiled reassuringly, brushing her thumb over Emily's cheek before she reached down for the hem of the brunette's shirt. "I just want to do this differently. I want to show you... _remind_ you, that you don't have to carry the whole weight of everything on your shoulders. I'm not something to add to your load, Emily. I'm supposed to- I _am_, and will _continue_ to be, something that lightens it. Or at least try my very best to."

Emily somewhat remembered this story... Somewhat remembered feeling this utterly safe with the blonde, but it was still overwhelmingly foreign. Strength was returning to her form in ways that she hadn't felt for years and a weight was lifting... except she wasn't falling down with such freedom, she felt stronger than ever- weightless, but emboldened and brave.

So she allowed JJ to remove her shirt, her bra. She allowed her to kiss her slowly. Not quick and dirty to keep her mind from wondering- but slow enough to allow her to enjoy it, to truly feel it, to actually live in the moment. Her hands rested gently at the younger woman's hips as their mouths moved together, exploratory, delicate, _loving_; and when JJ broke the kiss and instead pressed her lips to her temple, she found herself in a place where the emotions that she was actually allowing herself to feel were prevalent and yet freeing. Not suffocating or threatening; just _freeing_.

"I love this brain." JJ's thumbs brushed against the soft skin beneath them as she allowed her lips to linger and breathed in the scent of the older woman's hair- thoroughly aware of everything that Emily was feeling in that moment. She wanted her words to set in, knowing very well that her brain was the one thing that the brunette hated most about herself.

When ten seconds passed with no response, she replaced her lips with her forehead and looked directly into Emily's frightened eyes. "Do you know that?" Still, no words came; only a subtle swallow and a new layer of moisture covering dark eyes. "I love the way it works. I love that it isn't like most peoples. I love that you see the beauty in the darkness, in the details that most people overlook. I love everything about how your mind works, Emily. "

She wanted to run- really fucking wanted to run, all the way back to England and the simple life that she had so recently created there. In essence, this moment was perfect- but to her, it was frightening. She was certain that her walls were still there, but with this woman, they may as well have been non-existent. Because this woman's brain didn't work like most peoples either. Somehow, when JJ looked at her, she didn't see a burden or baggage through those blue eyes; she saw something beautiful. And whilst that should have been something that Emily could understand considering her own appreciation for everything dark and defective, she honestly didn't get it. How could JJ see anything but a monster in her? But before she could consider her options or spiral too far into thinking and over-thinking every single second of this moment, JJ spoke again.

"I know you, Emily. I know everything about you. I guess I just misplaced that knowledge while I was trying to understand myself."

She was right- she did know everything about her. She was the one person in the world who knew _absolutely_ everything– possibly the one somewhat good thing that had come from her trip to the darkness several years ago. But if that was true, why… "So why do you still want me?" Her voice was nothing of the rich melody that it typically was. "I left you when you needed me the most because of that brain you say you love so much. Because of who I am. I always have to disappear, because of who I am."

There was vulnerability in Emily in that moment that JJ sure as hell wasn't going to let go of– not to exploit it, but to reward it. "I'm glad you left when you did, Emily. I needed to figure this out for myself. And I want you because you're _beautiful_ to me. You're like my favourite book- the scary parts are just as captivating as the rest; the dark just as enlightening as the light. You're not _simple_, but what would be the point in reading something that is? And you do have to disappear sometimes… but don't we all?"

Somehow there was clear redemption in those words that Emily had never been able to grasp ahold of when her mind was at its worst, and she truly did not know how to respond. She looked down, searching for something, anything to say but what _would_ she say to that? Of course, she could protest, verbally pick apart JJ's words until they were devoid of all meaning… but at this point, why? "Is that true? I'm not just an _annoyance_ to you?"

A helpless, breathy laugh slipped from JJ's lips as she smiled affectionately. "Of course it's true, Emily. And whoever gets to keep you… Whoever gets to call you their own for the rest of their life will be the luckiest person on the planet. Trust me." Her smile lingered as she brushed her thumb over a porcelain cheek, but the tears in her eyes at her own words were evident. What she'd said was true- whoever got to call this woman their own truly would be the luckiest person on the planet, but she couldn't help but feel some kind of preempted pain at the knowledge that that person would not be her again. For right now though, she essentially was the luckiest person on the planet- because she was _holding_ that planet right between her palms, and whilst it would undoubtedly suck to let it go, she didn't have to think about that for another twelve hours.

Emily studied JJ for a moment, before doing something that left even herself mystified. It wasn't like she'd never been naked in front of JJ before, but as she reached down to remove her own jeans, it felt like it was something more than it literally was… something almost metaphorical and the further softening of surprised blue eyes told her that the blonde had not only recognised her bravery, but appreciated it too.

"Lay back." JJ ghosted her smiling lips over Emily's; watched as she, with trepidation, scooted back up the bed.

Removing everything except for her own panties, she then followed the almost naked brunette; allowed her lips to trace a barely there line up the older woman's taut, trembling stomach and made several purposeful detours to the handful of scars that marred that porcelain canvas. Reaching Emily's lips and placing one gentle kiss there, she positioned herself partially between barely open thighs and rested her weight on her splayed palms. "You are beautiful, Emily."

Emily's jaw locked subtly. Perhaps she could have done this with silence... Perhaps she could have pretended that slow and gentle, and solely-focused-on-her sex was something that she could do if words played no part in it. But with JJ now staring at her like she was some kind of goddess and the comforting words that had preceded such a gaze, she realised suddenly that she couldn't. A brief moment of panic in her bravery won out and her left hand slipped between them to brush teasingly over the blonde's panties; an action that was almost engrained as she tried to hurry things along.

"And _you're_ wet." She smirked, down-playing the blonde's comment as she applied extra pressure. "Tell me what you want, JJ."

JJ frowned with a combination of sadness and arousal, still riding the second sharp pang of pleasure that had jolted through her with the brunette's sudden pressure on her clit. But she really did want to show Emily what she was to her, what she always had been to her. "I want you to let me love you."

"Jayje-"

"Do you even know how loved you are?" She interrupted as she removed Emily's hand and shifted it above the brunette's head; ran her lips along a defined jaw. "You are not the monster you think you are, Emily." She wasn't certain if it was the slight pressure that she applied with a single, gentle thrust between Emily's thighs, or the words that she had whispered directly into the older woman's ear as she did so- but the discreet moan that escaped Emily's lips was like a lullaby. It was beautiful, and exquisite... as beautiful and exquisite as the woman herself. "You really _are_ beautiful, Emily." She repeated the sentiment along with a further subtle thrust of her hips; once, twice, several times until they were moving together in a slow rhythm. "So beautiful." But as those last words left her lips, she felt strong hands grip at her hips in an attempt to control the situation again. "And somewhat infuriating."

She could see the instant sadness flicker in Emily's dark eyes with her use of that last word- like she'd hit a nerve and she instantly understood why she had. "Emily..." She caught her wandering gaze with an index finger against her chin. "That isn't a bad thing. At all. You are the most amazing person I have ever met and I'm sorry I-" She cut herself off and swallowed hard as a lump formed in her throat- why the hell hadn't she just simplified things in the beginning? How could she expect to have simple perfection with Emily when they had started out in such chaos, and because of _her_? "I'm so sorry I never told you that every single day when I had the chance. I'm sorry I won't ever get the chance to tell you that every single day." She faltered again but Emily was right there to catch her.

"Don't…" The brunette found courage in JJ's vulnerability; followed the blonde's suit and used her own index finger to catch wandering eyes before pressing their lips together. She was terrified for many reasons in this moment, but she couldn't ignore the fact that JJ must be too. "Don't ever be sorry. Ever." Their kiss, despite being initiated by her, was slow and left her feeling somewhat brave; so brave that she even smiled and allowed her body to relax just an inch. "I understand. You're not a monster either, do _you_ know that?"

JJ's jaw locked then loosened as she closed her eyes in relief. Honestly, she hadn't given it direct thought, but now, in hearing those words from Emily, it felt like redemption, forgiveness, salvation that she didn't even realise she had needed- and she _believed_ her. Smiling, she opened her eyes and whispered. "I do now."

"Good." Emily returned with her own smile, her fingertips leaving JJ's cheeks to ghost down the younger woman's bare sides. "God..." She breathed, finally allowing herself to appreciate just how soft every inch of the blonde's skin truly was. "It feels so good to touch you again..."

"It feels so good to be touched again." JJ responded, momentarily losing herself again to the sensations of the slight rock in Emily's hips, of the brunette's fingers tracing the curves that she could reach from her position.

Her eyes remained open, locked with Emily's in a way that would have been cheesy if she wasn't experiencing it for herself. She was open and unguarded, and she wasn't afraid- something that was so fucking refreshing that she almost laughed. However, as that notion crossed her mind, she realised that whilst Emily was presenting herself as feeling the same as her, she could still see distinctly in darker than dark brown eyes that there were remaining walls and with a genuine curiousity, she questioned. "What do you feel right now, Emily?"

The brunette swallowed softly through fear and then laughed it off. "Pretty damn turned on? That work?"

"I think you feel more than that..." JJ inferred as she disentangled herself to slowly remove Emily's panties with only a mild protest from the brunette; settled herself again between nervously parted thighs once they were tossed to the ground. "But I don't think you're allowing yourself to realise it. I think you know what a feeling looks like, can mimic it like no other... but I think you've long forgotten what it _feels_ like." Her pelvis ground slowly against a now fully naked Emily as she spoke; the fear in dark eyes fading gradually into desire with each brush of lace against bare, slick flesh. "Long since... allowed yourself to… remember-" With her last words, she reached between their bodies and allowed just her fingertips to slide through wet folds; breathed her own sharp intake of breath as she heard the older woman gasp and felt short fingernails dig into her hips. "-what it _feels_ like. What do you… feel, Emily?"

This was dangerous territory. So fucking dangerous that she could feel the tears burning her eyes. She was absolutely petrified- weren't feelings the reason she had just recently had to drag herself out of the dark again? She closed her eyes, and when she opened them again, she could swear she could see clouds forming behind the blonde. Black clouds that represented the darkness that she ran from every second of her existence. Her gaze flicked back and forth; between comforting blue and intimidating black, but before she could fall into utter panic, two fingers entered her and the whimper that fell from her own lips represented her saviour...

"Let yourself feel, Emily." JJ encouraged, stilling her fingers purposely so that Emily could do what was asked of her. "Stop over-thinking." She breathed as she began slowly moving inside her. "Just feel that... Feel me. I'm right here."

Emily's breaths fell shakily, her body quivering with a combination of fear and utter contentment as those fingers moved slowly, almost teasingly in and out of her. She wanted the blonde to quicken her pace just as much as she didn't. She wanted her to stop, just as much as she really fucking didn't. The feeling was entirely foreign but it felt so damn normal, freeing, that she felt herself being dragged away by the current before she could even get her defenses in order and for a moment, she was angry for the words that betrayed her secrets and jumped from her partially slack mouth. "I feel like I'm home..."

JJ swallowed back her tears and smiled gratefully as some kind of pride hummed in her chest. Had Emily Prentiss honestly just admitted a real feeling? "You _are_ home, Emily." She replied as she rocked her hips and thrust her fingers with a little more purpose. "I missed you so much."

"I..." Emily almost choked on the words, but the fingers inside her, the fingers already causing very familiar feelings to stir somewhere within her gave her courage- gave her courage, but even she couldn't believe the words that she spoke. "I missed you too. God, I missed you too."

JJ almost stopped, knowing very intimately that that was the one thing Emily detested admitting above all others- and yet she had. And in reward, she crushed her lips to hers, thrust with a little more passion and allowed the brunette reprieve from the slow and gentle that she was desperately trying to run from earlier.

A series of broken whimpers fell from Emily's lips and directly into JJ's mouth as her hands moved to cup the blonde's face; as she moved fluidly with the woman currently responsible for the feeling between her thighs as well as the one in her chest. As she chased something- for the first damn time in her life, she _chased_ something. It wasn't her orgasm- it seemed to be something else entirely. It was JJ... she was chasing JJ. Her legs parted further, the left latching over the younger woman's waist; a move that the blonde reciprocated by adding a third finger and holding them there, deep but firm, and her mind blurred to this place of utter illogical bliss. It wasn't an orgasm... it was simply the euphoric calm before the storm. The storm that she wasn't so afraid of anymore.

JJ watched with utter amazement; studied Emily's face and the vast array of subtle emotions etched there like she was a masterpiece. Her body moved with the one beneath her, her own parted lips mimicking Emily's, her breaths eager but steady as she followed every second of the moment with a fine-toothed comb- storing every detail in her memory forever.

She didn't want this to end, but the tension in Emily's body told her that it would soon be over and instead of holding back to prolong it, she did everything in her power to give Emily the release that she knew would be more than just an orgasm for her.

"Come for me…" And as the body beneath her did just that; tensed and then shuddered in violent, beautiful succession, she spoke more honest words than she had in a very long time. "I love you. I love you so fucking much."

Emily clung to those words as she fell, allowed them to seep through her entire being as she came apart at the seams; the melody of them intensifying her orgasm and tearing down every wall that she had set in place. Her entire world shook and trembled, crumbled and demolished- but it was okay. She rode the words through bliss, through one bout of euphoria and into the next when JJ brushed her thumb over her clit. Until it became too much and she shoved the blonde's hand away, threw her free arm over her eyes- in exhaustion, but mostly to hide everything that she knew those traitorous eyes of hers were giving away; still clutching at straws to keep herself from admitting something that, actually, in that moment, would have been the perfect admission and had probably been given in the silence anyway.

Several minutes passed before that silence was broken. A small bout of bravery sparkling on the horizon for Emily that she was blindly lured to. "JJ… What you said…"

"You don't need to say it back." JJ was quick to ease what she assumed to be the brunette's fears as she shifted herself and allowed her whole weight to rest against the brunette; her chin resting on her arm against the older woman's chest. "I know you can't, and that isn't what I was hoping for. I wasn't hoping for anything; I just wanted you to know it because it's true. I want you to have that part of me because I've taken so much of you." She swallowed sadly and looked down, then back to attentive, soulful brown eyes. "I never meant to send you back to that place, Emily. Especially without the safety net that I promised to always be for you. So now… wherever you go, you have that with you." Smiling coyly, she looked down again and bit her lip. "Even if that place is euphoria."

"You're pretty proud of yourself, huh Jareau?" Emily smirked, her words both intended to lighten the mood and avoid what she had just heard- she'd pick that apart later. Right now, she was going to enjoy JJ… that genuine smile that she hadn't seen in far, far too long.

"Hey, I think I'm allowed to be." JJ defended as she pushed herself up a little, allowing Emily her joke because honestly, what else was there to say? She knew that her words had gone in, and that later, when Emily analysed them like she knew she would, she would see truth in them. That's all she wanted- she just wanted her to know that she meant it. That she meant it now, and that, for what it was even worth, she truly had meant it then too. "After everything… I think I'm allowed to be a little smug that I just made Emily Prentiss come."

"You've done that before."

"Yep…" JJ raised her eyebrows with a jokingly astonished sigh. "But _not_ like that. I think I deserve an award or something."

"Oh yeah?" Emily smirked mockingly against JJ's lips, shifted their positions so that she was now on top and in control. "And just what do you think your reward should be, Jennifer?"

For a moment, JJ lost herself; her fingers ghosting over Emily's lips like she was savouring their feel, the memory of them- a look that Emily recognised instantly. It was the one that she imagined herself to have adorned when she ran her fingers over JJ's couch all those months ago; when she first realised that soon enough, she would lose the very thing that she didn't want to lose.

It didn't take JJ long to notice Emily's stare, recognise the indecipherable emotions on her face, and instead of answering the question, she pressed their lips together- soft, sensual, affectionate; her heart soaring when Emily didn't deepen the kiss or push for more, but instead kissed back with similar vulnerability. Vulnerability that she knew Emily to hate, but that she was giving freely in that moment, and with a smile on her lips, she pulled back and whispered. "That was my reward…"

"_Your eyes they shine so bright, I wanna save that light._

_I can't escape this now, unless you show me how."_

_**- Imagine Dragons (Demons)**_


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter Thirty-Two: ****_Let Her Go_**

Emily pulled her shirt silently over her head as her legs hung over the side of JJ's bed, and her mind drifted to Kate. It seemed entirely inappropriate in that moment, after what had just unfolded, to be thinking of another woman; but it was like her emotions had shifted with her orgasms, and left her on this whole new plane where she felt capable of dealing with such thoughts- about relationships, be it platonic or romantic, about people, the lies they tell, the falsities they enforce to pass the time, the bonds they fake whilst keeping themselves in a place where they can pretend almost plausibly that such bonds never existed if they ever feel the need to run scared. About the walls, the barriers, the fears they evoke in each other-

The blonde shifted beside her in her sleep, mumbling something indecipherable; and Emily smiled.

-and the fears they _quell_, or at least try their damn hardest to. The love they give that is unconditional and without fear, despite having every reason to be absolutely terrified. The risks that they take for that love, the bravery they exude and the courage they don't even realise that they possess in even just _admitting_ to themselves that they hold such feelings.

Shuffling back on the bed with a genuine smile on her face, she rested her head against the headboard; her eyes not once leaving JJ and her body tensing and then relaxing in the same instant that the blonde gravitated towards her in her sleep, rested her head against her bare thigh and tossed her arm over her knees.

She ran her fingers through silky, blonde hair, admiring the way that it still felt like heaven, even with the slight dampness that she knew to be the result of their physical exertions. She stroked in a trance, and swallowed sadly when that trance ended; when she realised that out of all the different types of people she was just contemplating, she herself fell into the category of the former- the liar. The deceitful. The cowardly.

"Why are you awake? And sat up?"

JJ's sleepy voice startled her from her thoughts, and she replied with a hint of that, as well as a dash of genuine warmth. Yes, people told lies, people were deceitful... and whilst there were still lies of omission lingering in the air, she wasn't about to add to the pile. "I was going to leave."

"I'm glad that you didn't." JJ whispered honestly, still in the clutches of a semi-slumber as she stretched and snuggled her cheek into Emily's stomach.

Emily's heart ached. Ached almost painfully, and whilst she knew what it meant, she was also grateful for the feeling and stopped herself from trying to shove it away; from making some lame attempt to pretend that it didn't exist. Not necessarily because she didn't want to, but because there was really no room for such pretense in this moment. Would likely never be again after tonight…

"Are you thinking about home?"

_Home... _She thought, remembering what had triggered her initial ponderings just ten minutes ago. It was true that London wasn't home anymore - never really had been - but was here, either? Opting for honesty once again, she replied- "I was thinking about Kate." -and instantly felt the tension in JJ even before a warm body slipped away and left a cold, empty space beside her.

"Oh." JJ blinked, still shuffling unconsciously away from Emily and the words that had just burned her and snapped her back into reality.

"No. No. Not like that." Emily shuffled down on the bed so that she was lying beside JJ and brushed a fallen strand of blonde from her face. "Not like that at all." She could see that JJ was uncertain, uncertain whether to trust her words, but those blue eyes still seemed to be searching for some kind of explanation. "You said earlier that the reason for some people's presence in your life is to give you perspective. I was thinking about her because I think she did give me that …" She licked her lips, looked down sadly– partially for the realisation that she didn't want Kate to be just that, but mostly for the fact that no matter how well she hid it, she could still see the hurt in JJ's eyes that she hadn't been able to ebb. "You were right. Without her, I wouldn't have realised that I always push people away. I wouldn't have realised what my backward logic pushes me to do… what I did to her, what I did to you, what I did to everyone. And I…" She sighed. "I wish so much that I didn't have to push you away."

JJ studied Emily for a moment, pondered her words as well as the ones that she herself wanted to give in response. The ones she knew she probably shouldn't give, but what would it matter tomorrow? "You… You don't have to…"

"JJ." Emily shook her head with a defeated sigh; sudden and unexpected tears bubbling at her throat and when she looked back to the blonde she made no attempts to hide them. "What if the only way I can be me is to be alone?"

She didn't know what to say, honestly. There were plenty of profound responses that she could give to Emily's question and neither of them would likely be dishonest, but they were also probably selfish. Turning her head to look at the alarm clock by her bed, she posed a possibility to Emily. "There's six hours until you have to leave. What if for those six hours… you didn't have to push me away? At all. What if for those six hours… We pretended this was something other than what it really is?"

Emily considered the words for a moment, before pushing herself up to sit against the headboard- a move that she knew would place instant disappointment in the blonde's eyes even before she did it. And she smiled subtly before she pulled off her shirt and spoke again.

"Come here." She reached out her hand, encouraging a naked JJ to straddle her thighs and pulled her abruptly flush against her. The exquisite whimper that fell from the younger woman's lips as their abdomens met, breasts flush against each other, was perfect; it was _the_ moment. The moment that she very rarely allowed herself to enjoy, and there was clear trepidation in her next words. "Just tonight… right?"

JJ's arms rested on Emily's shoulders, her fingers playing mindlessly through her raven-hair; and her eyes fixed on those that were so open and unguarded that it picked her up and placed her somewhere almost four years ago. In a world where Emily was hers and only hers; in a world where she held a part of the older woman that, once again, she was reminded, no one ever had or ever would. "If tonight is all I get, then tonight is everything I want." She meant every word, and she knew her next sentence was the answer to the question that Emily had purposely omitted. "If you need to disappear after this, then that's fine. Because I'll know on some level, you're never really gone."

There were several perfect sentences she could have responded with, but what really left her lips surprised them both. "I'm never really gone. There never is and there never will be a day when I don't think of you." She was giving away indifference- the one thing that kept her safe. It was her protection, and yet with that one sentence and a gentle brush of her lips over an exposed pulse-point, she had surrendered it. "I'm always with you, Jennifer." Her thumbs brushed low on the blonde's hips as her lips began a more purposeful journey. She could feel tears bubbling in her eyes, and where she expected to feel exposed, she felt relieved. Relieved because they were genuine, relieved because they indicated that in her imprisoned heart, mind, soul, she actually felt something- there was an actual human-being in there. And with the confirmation that she could disappear, she somehow found the antidote to her defectiveness; to not run, to just feel. "Thank you."

"What are you thanking me for?"

"For being my clarity." She breathed as she traced her lips along the blonde's jaw, detoured briefly to her lips. "For being my protection from myself." She allowed her eyes to meet JJ's; got lost in blue for a moment and before she could think, the very words that were actually far, far more than just words to her escaped her lips. They were a silent promise, a promise to stick around- and that was the very reason that she hadn't uttered them or anything close to them in months, because until this point, she hadn't held any kind of confidence in being able to keep that promise. "I love you."

JJ froze suddenly. Despite what she had said about 'just tonight', no part of her had counted on those words and now that she had them, she had no idea what to do with them. They changed the ball game entirely- with them lingering out there like a blaring siren, she wasn't so sure anymore that she'd be able to just let go in six hours' time. "Please don't say that." She gripped tight onto Emily's head and buried her face in the crook of her neck. "I know what I said and you can say anything else but just… Please don't say that."

Emily closed her eyes regretfully, realising instantly what she'd done. But there was no going back now, those words were out there- what were a few more going to hurt? And actually, wouldn't her next words be what saved them both? Coercing JJ to look at her, she pressed their foreheads together and ensured that her eyes were open and vulnerable. "I don't want to go. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to hurt you again. I don't want to waste… this."

JJ opened her mouth to speak with the first words that popped into her head, but instead just wound up shaking that head and moving to get away…

…moving to get away until strong hands held her in place. She refused to meet Emily's dark eyes. Yes, she _had_ said just minutes ago that just tonight was fine, but it was blatantly obvious to her now that that was bullshit and she felt like a fraud. She'd been a fraud from the second Emily got back here, because she'd been telling herself that it was okay, that she'd take whatever she could have from her but the truth was, the brunette in waves and doses was _not_ enough. It would never _be_ enough.

"I don't know what you want me to say, Emily. I thought I could do this but…" She shook her head slowly. "I can't do this. I can't pretend that I'm okay with you leaving tomorrow. I can't and I'm sorry."

A sudden awkwardness fell upon the moment, and Emily, just like JJ, didn't know where to look. So she stared at a creased section of JJ's sheets – creased from their physical exertions – and allowed words to leave her lips without any prior over-thinking or fear. "What if you didn't have to be okay with that?"

The anger in JJ's eyes was instant, as were the solid words that left her lips. "And don't say that either if you don't mean it because Emily I-"

Her words were cut off before she could even begin her tirade by Emily's lips; Emily's soft, warm lips that soothed her instantly and she felt her resolve crumbling. Her hands went out naturally to porcelain cheeks, her hips picking up a rhythm of her own that belied what she had been trying to say. No, she didn't want that. But if it was true… My god, wouldn't that be something? And was she realistically going to let Emily leave here with feeling her one last time, anyway?

It was too late for her newly acquired convictions- she was lost to it. The moment, the feel of the woman she loved against her, the promises she was making without really making them at all… and she was helpless to her own hand that searched for Emily's; that uncurled the brunette's fingers and directed them to where she needed them. And she did need them, whether she was being blind or not, she needed them- to secure this moment, to convince her a little more of something that would actually leave her wanting to vomit in ten hours' time.

She whimpered into Emily's mouth as two of those fingers entered her easily, and it was all she could do not to cry as she wrapped her arms around the brunette and rocked against the invasion. She kept her eyes tight closed, her lips pressed to Emily's ensuring both that she could pretend that she wasn't feeling hopeless, and too so that Emily wouldn't see that. But apparently Emily wanted to see…

"Look at me." The brunette implored; her free hand latching on the blonde's cheek as the speed of their movements increased to something more dire. Her breaths were as shaky as JJ's as the blonde neared her orgasm- the intensity of the moment consuming her just as it was the blonde, and unbeknownst to that blonde, in the very same way too. "You're so beautiful, JJ."

And it was those words that carried JJ so quickly over the edge- an edge that she wasn't ready to reach yet. Because reaching it meant that this was done; that all she had was reality and if the reality was anything like she anticipated it being, she didn't want to know. Her fingers gripped fiercely at the brunette's shoulders once her first orgasm ebbed and she shifted, readjusted herself and then ground down hard against Emily's fingers with determination. "I'm not done."

Emily smiled in adoration and instantly tried to kiss the blonde; frowned when JJ didn't want to know, but instead seemed set on giving a show. Giving a show that she couldn't work out was for her or herself, and neither seemed like a good prospect. And then it hit her… JJ was purposely turning this moment into nothing, reducing it to the no-strings fucks that she had become accustomed to recently so that she didn't have to hurt, and her heart broke- _she_ had caused that.

"Baby." She grabbed the blonde's hip to still her. "JJ…" Gripped a little fiercer when she wouldn't. "JJ, stop."

"Why?" JJ croaked through tears that she couldn't help, nor did she want. "Isn't this what you wanted? No strings so that you can leave in the morning?"

"No…" Emily replied truthfully; her typically rich voice now almost childlike. "No, that isn't at all what I want." She swallowed sadly, gently withdrew her fingers and wrapped her arms tightly around the blonde's mildly protesting form. "God, I'm so sorry. I am so sorry, JJ." And she was sorry. She'd been saying it all along - that she damaged everything she touched - but she'd never realised she'd caused _this_ much damage, never realised that she could ever hurt JJ _that_ much. Never fucking imagined that going out of her way to save the both of them from any kind of hurt could actually be what was causing it. "None of this is ever what I wanted."

JJ didn't say a word, and they remained in that embrace for almost ten minutes before she finally, in some kind of defeat, shifted. And even then she didn't speak- simply moved beneath the covers beside a still sitting Emily and pulled them tight around her.

Her teary eyes fixed on the dark grain of her nightstand; the nightstand that she had stared at almost eight months ago now in a moment similar to this- after Will had made love to her and she'd clutched her pillow to her chest and both longed for Emily _and_ wished for her to be thousands of miles away. It was the same in that moment. Emily was right there, she could even hear her breath if she strained hard enough… and she couldn't help but wish that she was thousands of miles away- at least then she'd have plausible and logical reason to feel the way she did.

This wasn't how she had imagined this would play out- how any of this would play out. She wanted happily ever after but it was very blatant to her now that that wasn't how this story would end. Swallowing back her tears that she felt somewhat foolish for, she waited for a moment and then reached back to grab Emily's arm. "Lay with me. Don't say a _damn_ word and just hold me."

And Emily did just that, wrapped her arms around JJ's waist, buried her chin into the crook of her neck and closed her eyes. Words in her head but definitely not on her lips where she knew JJ didn't want them- _I love you. So fucking much._ – and a mind foggier than it had ever been. She wasn't sure what had just happened, but whatever it was had shifted so quickly that it had blindsided her and she no longer knew what move to make. She hadn't been lying with anything that she had said– had made a solid decision to stay and now she wasn't even sure of that anymore. Jesus, when did it become so complicated? Was it too late to start a fresh when everything was already so tainted?


	35. Chapter 35

**Chapter Thirty-three: **_**While You Were Sleeping**_

"_You'll sit alone forever, if you wait for the right time. What are you hoping for?"_

"_You know we're not supposed to be here, right?" Emily brushed her thumb over the redness of the blonde's flushed cheeks, smiled at the reason for its presence._

"_I know." JJ smiled, leaning into the warmth of the older woman's hand; closed her eyes and turned in her arms, pulling them tight around her naked form as she studied the darkened scene beyond the window and silently begged for this moment to last forever. "But just five more minutes."_

_Resting her chin on the younger woman's shoulder, Emily tightened her own embrace and followed JJ's gaze. "I'll take you there one day, to the very top. One day, we'll come back here, and it won't be to say goodbye, it'll be to start a fresh."_

"_Promise?" JJ forced through the tears balled up in her throat; the ones that burnt at her eyes as her fingers gripped Emily's arms. She waited for a response, but it never came, and with a frown, she turned to face the woman behind her- somewhat baffled when she found her to be fully clothed and looking at her with her head cocked to the side, and that enticingly curious and compassionate look in her eyes. It was the very look that always made her feel that she was the only person in the room, but in that moment caused her heart to clench painfully._

"_Why are we here, JJ?"_

"_Because…" Looking down at her own body, she felt as though she'd lost time completely. The room was morphing and changing, colours flashing and blurring into one another and everything was so suddenly loud that she had to yell. "Because this was the last time. The last time you believed me… The last time you were truly __**with**__ me."_

"_I'm always with you, JJ." Emily smiled calmly, affectionately, honestly; before turning on her heel and waking slowly away._

"_Wait!" JJ followed her, panic in her eyes as the brunette's retreating form grew faded and further away. "Where are you going?"_

"_I'm keeping my promise."_

"_But…" Her brow furrowed as she tried to latch onto the moment and place logic into it. She blinked, and blinked again; her heart sinking as she opened her eyes to find that Emily had now completely disappeared. She was gone, but she was certain she could still hear her voice echoing in the distance and she followed it through the now pitch-black space around her. "Emily, wait…" She sounded like a child. "Please don't leave. Please. Not yet. Please."_

"_I'm not leaving you, JJ."_

_She stood still, her eyes searching around the room for the source of Emily's now hazy voice. "I don't understand, Emily. Where are you?"_

"_I'm coming home."_

"_But_-" Her eyes opened to a room more familiar and yet foreign in ways that left a chill blanketing her whole body- a chill that blazed through every inch of her and settled in her heart as it sank to the pit of her stomach with the cruel force of reality.

Burying her face into the comforter, she clutched her hand to her chest and allowed her conscious to recognise the truth: dreams were cruel and whilst a part of her was grateful that Emily hadn't stuck around to say goodbye, the memory of those promising words she had left – both in her dream state and in reality – caused bile to burn painfully at the back of her throat.

Honestly, she didn't want to move. Henry wasn't due back until this evening and she pretty much decided then and there to remain wrapped in her cocoon for the rest of the day. It wouldn't bring Emily back, but it would at least ensure that she'd more likely be better mother material when her son did return. She felt like a teenager – a love sick, pathetic, and quite frankly useless, teenager - and honestly, she couldn't afford to be both. She needed to get this out of her system before her son returned, and if that meant hiding away for the next six hours, she would.

No, she couldn't afford to be both… but in actuality, could she afford this very moment? She'd been to that black hole, and learnt a very long time ago that allowing yourself to fall into it, no matter how tempting it seems at the time, is the biggest mistake you could make. No… she'd known what today was and she had to suck it up and accept that now that it was here. Wallowing beneath her sheets – the sheets that still smelt like Emily – was not going to make this any easier. It was going to make it a whole world harder.

Pushing herself up and twisting her neck, she looked back briefly to where the brunette had been laid and sighed. The sheets were still crinkled with her indentation, still marred with the evidence of her existence; the evidence that assured her that the whole of last night was not a cruel dream. It had happened, and more than that, she had allowed it to happen. But what was it she had said to Emily? Some people are only thrown into your path to become a lesson? Maybe that's all Emily ever was to her- and she'd certainly learnt a lot. It didn't matter that she didn't want her to be. It didn't matter that all she wanted in that very moment was simplicity- with Emily. It didn't matter because _they_ didn't matter- because 'they' never really was an accurate term to describe them. They'd never really been each other's, never really been anything collectively or officially- only in their heads and, JJ had foolishly assumed, their hearts too.

But this was no longer love- this was simply pain. A pain that she knew even in that moment would twist the way in which she ever looked at love again. It would be the reason that she didn't trust quite as freely in future romantic situations; the reason she scoffed at fairytales and chick flicks for a very long time to come; the reasons she didn't find envy or longing when in the presence of loved-up couples, but only relief.

She'd been living in a dream, more so than the one that she had awoken from ten minutes ago, and while she had been sleeping, so much had changed. Perhaps Emily really had been a lesson… But now that lesson had come to an end, and it was time to put forth the knowledge acquired and apply it to her future.

And it was with that last thought that she dragged the sheets from her bed, silent tears in her blue eyes as she hastily removed the final evidence that Emily had ever existed- bunched those sheets up and threw them to the door to be washed and erased. Or just burnt- wouldn't that be easier?

With her sheets and comforter slumped haphazardly by her bedroom door, she began the task of rifling through her drawers- tossing everything that had once meant the entire universe to her into an empty shoe box that instantly painted those sweet nothings as literally nothing. But the issue was that they weren't nothing- they actually meant too much. If she was going to have to detox, erase Emily from her system, and continue on with her life refreshed and invigorated from such a thing; she'd rip the bandaid off instantly, not slowly over time.

If Emily was gone, she was gone for damn good.

And, standing beside her bed just three minutes later, she actually felt good- certainly better than she had ten minutes ago when she had been laid in that bed wallowing and wishing for a new narrative. She was the writer of her story now, and she had to make it phenomenal… even if she was trying to create something perfect with broken sentences, unfinished, sporadic thoughts and a whole world of possibly unnecessary cynicism.

Grabbing the shoe box and using her feet to kick her laundry out of her room, across the hall and down the stairs; she straightened her back and smiled. It wasn't real, of course. It was about as real as the metaphorical way in which she was currently erasing the brunette from her life but it was a placebo- and hopefully one strong enough to work for the long term, or at least give her strength when such a thing was waning. Honestly, it didn't matter at all that what she was currently conducting probably wouldn't work because it was a _plan_- a solid plan that gave her confidence in amongst its uncertainty.

That's the thing about plans though… there always are factors that a person couldn't possibly consider, and the one that was abruptly presented to her as she kicked her damn sheets into the kitchen was not one that she could have ever, in her currently pessimistic mind, prepared herself for. "Aren't you supposed to be at the airport?" She questioned instantly; but she didn't even look up, nor did she allow any kind of tone to her voice despite the sudden chaos that Emily's more than unexpected presence had caused. "I was kinda hoping you'd be gone by the time I woke up."

Emily frowned- not necessarily because of JJ's words but because of the box in her hand and the laundry that she hadn't once stopped kicking towards the washing machine. "Jayje… JJ." She laughed almost fondly, set her coffee mug on the kitchen island and stood to her feet. "Will you just stop kicking for one minute and look at me." She took a few steps forward and the smile fell from her face in the same instant that she saw just what that laundry consisted of, and just what the contents of the box in the blonde's hands were. It hurt. Fuck, it hurt. But she probably deserved it, and when the blonde still didn't slow her momentum, she literally grabbed her cheek and forced her attention elsewhere. "JJ, look at the clock."

"Yeah? It's noon?" The blonde shook her head, shifted away like she'd been burnt and continued with her task as she spoke. "Is this the part where you tell me you have a plane to catch? I already know that. Make sure you don't forget anything when you leave."

"JJ…" Emily's voice was small now, almost nervous and requesting permission. "My flight left two hours ago."

"Great." JJ rolled her eyes and finally turned to face Emily. Perhaps she was being childish. In fact, she most definitely was and she knew as much, but it was through plain and justified pain- she really was not relishing the prospect of postponing this moment only to have to live it again. That wasn't what either of them needed, and Emily should have known that. "So, what? You wanna fuck for two more days before you catch another flight?"

Emily stared in astonishment, her dark eyes softening, not to anger, but to sadness as reality rushed in. "I really hurt you… didn't I? I… I really fucked us up?"

JJ sighed, dug her fingers into her temple and looked back to the brunette; anger no longer present in her eyes but instead genuine honesty that rolled fluidly with her now even tone. "We hurt each other, Emily. This whole thing is a mess, and one that just really needs to be over. We're not good for each other, not like this, and honestly…" She shook her head, her eyes sad and sincere. "I don't wanna wait two more days for this to be over. I want it over now. I _need_ it to be over now so that I can… mourn you, and move on with my life. Maybe you missed your flight, and I'm sorry but you can't be here. I need you to go. _Please_."

"It's a shame you think that…" Emily muttered, her eyes downcast before she sighed and looked back to JJ- the words she offered far more plain than she had anticipated giving them as she had sat in JJ's kitchen waiting for the blonde to wake. "I didn't _miss_ my flight, JJ. I didn't even _try_ to catch my flight in the first place to be able to miss it." She looked back down, took a step back and swallowed sadly. "I woke up with plenty of time to get there and…" She laughed incredulously. She had had this moment planned out in her head since she awoke five hours ago- it was going to give the makings of a cheesy Christmas movie a run for its money and now it was more of a disaster movie. "And I realised that I had no intention of leaving you. That going to the airport would have been a waste of time because I'd turn right around and come straight back. So you know what I did?" Her dark eyes met JJ's and she continued when she got no verbal response, but instead a gentle glimmer in bright blue that indicated the other woman actually cared to know. "I called and cancelled my flight so that they could at least give the seat to someone else. I called and told Clyde I'd be home in a couple of days but that it would be to pack up my stuff and to work out my resignation. I planned how I could make this work logistically, with no job and no apartment and no real solid plans. I made all these plans and yet I neglected to realise that maybe it was already too late… I didn't include _this_ in my plans. I didn't include you not actually wanting me to _stay_ in my plans."

JJ shook her head slowly. She was stunned, but also not stupid. She knew Emily's need to run very clearly and whilst she didn't judge her or hate her for it, she also could not conceive any possible way that this was different now. "What's different now? What makes this moment any different than before?"

"What make this different?" Emily leant against the counter behind her. "_Last night_ makes this different."

"Because we had sex?" JJ laughed disappointedly, turning back to her laundry when she realised this wasn't different at all- the hope that she had tried not to feel in the past thirty seconds was now crushed beneath Emily's apparent _plans_. "We've had sex before, Emily. Plenty of people have had sex before- it doesn't change a damn thing."

"No…" Emily let the word linger for a moment, and when she saw that JJ had stopped frantically searching for laundry detergent or whatever the hell she was looking for, she walked over and laced her arms around her waist from behind. "It's different because in telling you I love you, I made you a promise to stick around. I made you a promise, JJ." Coaxing the blonde to turn in her arms, for the sole purpose of her being able to read her eyes, she continued. "If you want me to leave right now I will and I'd understand. I'd understand entirely. Perhaps this _has_ just become too much. Perhaps we really should just cut ties and walk away but…" She took a visible step back when she realised JJ didn't seem at all comfortable in her arms and began to question just what the hell she had been hoping for. What _had_ she been hoping for? Her instinct was to leave – her instinct was always to leave – but that wasn't how this was going to play out. That wasn't how it was going to be this time. "But I can't help but feel the only real reason that it is still complicated is because of _me_… because I wouldn't allow us to be what we should be. I don't wanna be the reason that I spend every second of my existence wondering if we could have had something real. I am-" She laughed incredulously. "_-terrified_. I am terrified of getting this wrong, and I am terrified of living to regret it. Honestly? I'm terrified of you lying to me again…"

Finally, blue eyes met hers and instead of backtracking and apologising for something that was true, she went with it. Because it was true- she was terrified, and part of being terrified did rest on JJ. They say there's a difference between forgiving and forgetting, but for her, there was a difference between trusting and believing too. She did trust JJ, there were no questions about that, and she genuinely did know that the last thing the blonde would ever do after everything was lie to her… but such fear came with the territory with an over-thinker.

But that was the very point: there were always going to be times when she questioned almost everything, but how were those questions supposed to find answers if she was four thousand miles away? Honestly… what was the point in leaving when everything came back to JJ anyway? The prospect of spending the next decade of her life in the prison she had left behind a week ago was already suffocating her, promising her that if she walked away now, it would consume her until there was nothing left and there was no chance she was going back to that… not when she had been reminded of what it felt like to be free, and courageous, and open. Not when she knew what simplicity felt like…

And she did. Nothing had been even half as complicated in the past several days as it had in the past five months, and that made no sense to her. Surely being in the midst of her storm should have been the most chaotic… and yet it was silent, almost tranquil and serene. And the reason for that was JJ. The reason for that was Henry. The reason for that were her friends, the life that she still had here even after abandoning it to regroup. Which combined, had made the decision to stay entirely simple too. Well... until it blew up in her face like it currently was, and now she was genuinely unsure if she was doing good, or making everything worse. She honestly thought JJ would have been as happy as she was, but it certainly seemed that she was anything but.

"Look at me, Jayje." She lifted the blonde's chin when blue eyes diverted almost guiltily. "I'm all of those things. I don't have a great deal to offer you and there's gonna be so many times where I have absolutely no clue how to tell you what I feel and I probably won't be able to because this is so new… This is _my_ ignored inner-gay, JJ. This is where _my_ inexperience lies. But I want to _try_." Her dark eyes were so clouded with tears that she could barely see, and the fact that the blonde apparently had absolutely nothing to say whilst she was handing over her heart on a platter had reduced her courage to almost nothing. Taking a further step back, she shook her head slowly and finished. "It's up to you, JJ. But either way I'm sticking around, I'm not running away again. If you need me to keep my distance, I'll respect that. I should expect your desire to be for radio silence when that is basically all I've given you."

"That isn't all you've _given_ me, Emily." JJ finally replied, oddly frustrated. And she was frustrated- not necessarily because of the back and forth with Emily that she had accepted was over just twenty minutes ago, but because the older woman was _still_ blaming herself. It shouldn't have been her that had had to do this, this moment- _she_ should be the one in the currently awkward and utterly vulnerable position. _She_ should be the one chasing Emily. She should never have allowed her to think for one second last night that 'just tonight' was fine, because it never was and that was a lie in itself. And she should have recognised last night, that Emily's words had been a promise. But ironically enough, she was so blinded by fear that she just hadn't seen it.

Her eyes softened, a thin layer of tears forming over them as she studied the thoroughly exposed woman before her and her heart ached. "You really want me, after everything?"

"_Especially_ after everything, JJ." Emily responded evenly, honestly. "If we can get through that, we can get through anything."

JJ nodded slowly, a small conflicted smile forming against her lips that she didn't seem comfortable in allowing to grow. "If this is gonna work, Emily… you need to _stop_ blaming yourself. We both do. We both fucked up, it isn't either one of our faults directly and it really doesn't matter anymore if it is. The slate doesn't need to be wiped clean, because we can't risk losing sight of what messed us up in the first place. So perhaps it needs to be… stored away." She couldn't help but laugh at herself. "I dunno, you're the one with all the fancy analogies. But my point is that we started in chaos and ended in chaos before- we're not doing that again. We need to learn from our pasts, but not let it hang over our heads every second of our lives because we won't work that way, and I won't live that way, and I don't want you to live that way. We'll end up right back where we were before. So we either do this properly or not at all because-"

Her rambling words were cut off by Emily's lips. Emily's lips that somehow tasted so much better than they ever had. They tasted like hope, and promise, and excitement for a new journey… and she couldn't help but fall at the feet of those very things that had once broken her heart. Perhaps she did still believe in love after all… but that may have had something to do with the incredible woman offering her that love- the woman who found it so otherworldly difficult to do so, and yet here she was; the prince charming, the knight in shining armour… come to save the day and the whole damn story.

"_Properly_." Emily spoke breathlessly as she pulled back, her smile transforming into a grin when she saw it returned in JJ's eyes. "Properly." She whispered again against the blonde's lips, brushing her own there almost playfully. "No _or_… I just wanna do this _properly_."

"Really?"

"Really." She nodded. "I wanna…" She grinned and looked away contently as she realised all the stuff she wanted to do, share and experience with the blonde- all the stuff she was actually going to get to do, share and experience with that blonde. "I wanna take you on a frickin' date. I wanna do cheesy Valentine's Day stuff with you and… get a puppy."

JJ couldn't help but laugh. "You? A puppy?"

"Well…" She trailed off with a soft chuckle. "Maybe not a puppy. But my point is that I want to do real couple stuff with you, JJ- not everything we've done so far. I wanna know what we could be like _out_ of the shadows. And maybe it won't work, nothing is ever for sure and I know that… but I need to know if it _could_. I need to know that I'm capable of actual love, not the fucked up mess my mind instantly paints those feelings to be. I wanna give you _everything_. Or try my very best to. If you…" She looked down briefly, nervously; a little afraid that she'd been too presumptuous. "If you want everything, that is."

"I always want everything if it's with you, Emily." JJ soothed the fear in the brunette's eyes, pressed two almost desperate kisses to her lips before wrapping her arms tight around her. "We're gonna be fucking amazing. I promise."

"_I'm here and now I'm ready, holding on tight. Don't give away the end; the one thing that stays mine."_

_**-Jimmy Eat World (23)**_


	36. Chapter 36

**Author's Notes: **I hate writing letters between characters, as I'm sure you can probably tell in this chapter. For me it just adds a new level of complexity that winds up taking longer to write than the chapter itself. Not entirely sure why, but either way, I couldn't see Emily placing herself in an exposed face to face position twice in just a few days, but I also couldn't foresee her just abandoning any lingering animosity between her and Kate altogether- hopefully I didn't mess it up!

**Chapter Thirty-four: **_**New Chapters, Old Books**_

_Three days later;_

"Please, please, please, don't be late." JJ begged. "Saturday, remember. Hotch wants us all there. _Please_ don't make me go on my own."

"I wouldn't dream of it." Emily chuckled softly as she pulled on her jacket. "You'll have Garcia with you." Smiling at the instant sadness in JJ's eyes - the sadness that she knew was caused by the still very engrained fear that she was going to disappear again - she stepped towards the blonde and wrapped her arms around her; pressed her lips to her temple and spoke again. "I will be there, I _promise_."

"You don't… Um… I mean…" JJ snuggled further into Emily's chest- entirely afraid of her disappearing just like the older woman had thought. "It is okay, ya know. I know this is a big step for you and I get if it was too much, too soo-"

"Shh." Emily responded with a kiss to silence her. "Now give me the address."

"I already did." JJ looked down guiltily. "It's in your bag. I put it there incase…"

"JJ, look at me…" Lifting the blonde's chin, Emily's face turned somewhat serious as she tried her best to soothe her probably warranted fears. "You know the wonderful thing about rock bottom? The wonderful thing about all the chaos and drama that has been such a prevalent part of life recently?"

"The sales of Xanax goes up, resulting in a pretty nice profit for the pharmaceutical companies?"

"Well, that too." She chuckled, brushing her thumb over the blonde's cheek. She recognised the look that the younger woman had adorned as she made what she knew to be a purposeful joke- it was the one she herself held every time she was petrified and trying to trivialise the moment with humour, and she wasn't about to leave this house when there was still any shred of that expression on the blonde's face. "But no. The wonderful thing about rock bottom is that it means you get to start again- and not just start again, but start again with experience and wisdom. There's a lot of destruction behind us JJ, and we need to use it for good. I don't need to spend several more months in a _job_ I don't want to be doing in a _country_ I don't want to be in to know that what I want is right here. We need to do it right this time, and I very much plan to."

"You plan to do me right?"

A small smirk that depicted both playfulness and contentment graced Emily's lips- because those words weren't just a joke, they were a silent understanding and an indication that they were going to be just fine. Looking over JJ's shoulder to the time on the clock, she did the quick math and deduced that she had twenty minutes before she really, really had to leave. "I probably can't do you _right_ with the limited time we have before I need to catch my flight. But I can do you _right now_… if you're interested?"

"I could be persuaded."

"Oh you could, huh?" She smirked as she pushed JJ backwards towards the nearest wall. "Well… Let me tell you the wonderful thing about _walls_."

JJ giggled as her back met with the hard surface; her arms draped over the brunette's shoulders as she allowed her to push her skirt slowly up her thighs and smirked smugly along with the appreciative groan that left the older woman's lips.

"Jennifer Jareau. Did you _plan_ this?"

"I'm just someone who likes to be prepared." She grinned and nipped at Emily's lower lip. "Maybe I need to tell you the wonderful thing about going commando."

"You are _incredible_." Emily breathed, reveling in the beautiful whimper that fell directly into her mouth as she ran her fingertips through JJ's bare, already soaked pussy. "Fucking incredible."

"Please…" JJ begged against the brunette's lips; her mouth slack as her eyes fell closed to the sensations between her thighs.

"Lift your leg." Emily forced through unsteady breaths; her arousal taking over with JJ's one word and transforming into something suddenly carnivorous and needy. And she wasted no time thrusting two fingers deep inside the younger woman as she complied; the action punctuated by a guttural sound from both of them.

Her free hand gripped hard at the blonde's hip as she used her pelvis to thrust as deep inside her as possible; JJ's walls already clamping down hard around her invading fingers as she lost herself to this woman who never ceased to amaze her. The woman who she could read better than she could ever read herself…

"Emily…" JJ breathed and swallowed hard; her blue eyes fluttering open to meet Emily's adoring gaze as she braced herself at strong shoulders and ground slowly but purposely against the fingers inside her. "Please. Make me come. I need to come."

Emily brushed her thumb over JJ's clit, picked up her pace momentarily; but only momentarily before she abruptly stopped, and with three words on her lips- "That's a shame." -she gently withdrew those fingers and took three steps back.

"Emily?" JJ threw out her arms. "What the _hell_? We don't have time for teasing, you have to catch your flight soon."

"Yup." The brunette nodded once, reaching down for the medium sized carry-on bag that she had brought with her a little over a week ago before walking back to JJ to place a comfortable, loving kiss upon her cheek. "And that was your promise."

"_That_ was a promise?" JJ asked in frustration as she watched the brunette turn to leave. "Are you seriously going to leave me like this?"

"I am, JJ." Emily turned back to face the blonde; her face still playful but with a hint of seriousness as she spoke again. "Your promise is that I will return and finish what I started. Now, come here." She watched JJ for a moment, the younger woman's expression torn somewhere between almost angered frustration and understanding, and she repeated the sentiment again with a smile when the blonde didn't budge. "Come, here."

Petulantly, JJ sighed and did as instructed; stood in front of Emily with her eyebrow raised expectantly and her arms folded across her chest.

Laughing softly at quite possibly the most adorable sight she had ever seen, the brunette stepped forward. "I'm coming home, and I'm coming home to you. I'm not running anymore, JJ. You _did_ plan that, and you wanted it to happen because you were certain it would be the last time. You wanted to say goodbye. But I'm not saying goodbye, JJ. Neither are you. Now kiss me, and tell me you love me."

"After you just profiled me?" JJ laughed in amazement. "Now you want kisses and love?"

"But I profiled well." Emily countered correctly. "So I think I deserve them." A small, tight and quick kiss met her smiling lips, but as she gripped onto the blonde and refused for three whole seconds to break their one-sided kiss, JJ's lips finally transformed into a surrendering grin and giggle.

"I love you."

"I love you too." The brunette returned, her eyes lingering as her mind lost itself at just how fucking lucky she was. "Goodbye for now."

"_Just_ for now."

**CM-CM-CM**

It had felt odd walking into her large empty townhouse. It had been her safe haven just a week ago, but so much had changed in that past week that now the empty echoes scared her, the silence cut like a dull blade and the cold blanketed her in such a way that she just wanted to turn right back around and leave. But she had come here with a task- not just the major one at hand of packing up her life yet again and leaving, but something that actually, was far more significant in another way. It was closure- closure she probably didn't deserve but definitely needed before she opened a new door that, actually, wasn't all that new.

She spun her phone in her hand as she slumped back against the couch that she hadn't sat upon in over a week and contemplated calling; bit the inside of her lip hard when she realised that a face to face interaction would leave her cowardly and speechless. She looked to the ceiling and painted words there like they meant something, but perhaps they didn't anymore. Perhaps those words she wanted to say were redundant- perhaps this was a moment where abandonment was actually the best thing that she could give.

It had been well over two months since her and Kate had last spoken, and it wasn't like they had parted on overly good terms. But hadn't she played more than a supporting role in that? She had, she knew… the story hadn't ended because it had run its course- it had ended because she slammed the book closed. Could she really allow that to be another blemish left in her wake? But, would extending words only turn that blemish to a scar- ensure that it would forever be a part of her history and only a part of her future in the form of a reminder of just how lost she had been?

Perhaps silence, distance, in some instances really was the best option- and she had two days to figure that out. Two days to find the right words, and two days to decipher whether they really mattered. Trusting her instincts was something she both lived by and struggled with. If it was work related, they were essential and easy- but when it came to her personal life, her instincts twisted and contorted, morphed and choked her until she truly had no idea what they were telling her to do. Her instinct in this moment was that she couldn't start her new life without tying up loose ends in the previous- but if that truly was the right thing, she'd feel that way in two days too.

With a shake of her head, she snapped herself back into the present- the present that currently needed packing up into boxes and shipping if she hoped to have it back at her apartment for the New Year. She'd managed, after a lengthy conversation about how he couldn't do such a thing again if she changed her mind about sticking around, to convince her ex-landlord to give her her old apartment back. She probably could have easily gotten a new place, but her preference for her old one was probably purposely done. She was in an entirely new world now in every other aspect of her life… and she needed a safe place. Besides, there were too many memories in that apartment that seemed somehow necessary to keep now. What was it JJ had said? The slate doesn't need to be wiped clean, just stored away… Well that was her slate, stored away for the moments she knew would come.

It was already 10 in the evening by the time she quit procrastinating and pushed herself up from that sofa, but since she was still on US time, that actually gave her around five hours before she'd feel any kind of fatigue- and unless she wanted to spend her only full day here panicking about what she had forgotten, she needed to get started.

**CM-CM-CM**

She could hear a faint hint of dread in the younger woman's voice as the call connected- something she was certain meant that she was afraid of just why she was calling at this late hour and she was quick to rectify it. "So tell me about this list."

"What list?" JJ frowned instantly, clearly surprised at both the lack of formalities and the lack of distance coming from the brunette who was literally thousands of miles away.

"You told me you felt like a teenager who had just lost their virginity again, that you had all these things you wanted to try." She clarified as if it was obvious. "So… what's on that list?"

"You are _something else_, Emily Prentiss." JJ shook her head fondly and slumped back against her pillows. "First, you almost bring me to orgasm and leave me to finish myself, and now you want to talk about sex when you're thousands of miles away?"

"_Did_ you finish yourself?" Emily replied, both smugly and dominantly.

She wanted to say yes, just to hear the disappointment in Emily's voice; but biting her lip, she gave the honest response. "No. I didn't want to break your promise for you."

"That's sweet." Emily smiled and leant back in her chair before altering her voice and offering the most cliché line that she could think of. "So... _whatcha wearing_?"

The melodic laugh that came through the phone caused her to smile helplessly. That laugh was everything- it was her reminder that whilst this new path was terrifying, she was perfectly safe wandering down it. It was what kept her grounded as she floated through unknown territory. Honestly, she had never felt safer in her life and that baffled her considering that she was in the scariest place she had ever _been_ in in her life.

"I think I've seen too many State Farm commercials, because that did not have the effect I think you were hoping for." JJ laughed. "But actually, if you must know – and I'm not sure you deserve to after this morning – I'm wearing a t-shirt. That XXL one that you seem to love me in."

"I do love you in that shirt." Emily nodded reflectively; picturing just how adorable JJ looked in it, as well as how even _more_ adorable she looked in it after they'd had sex with just-fucked hair and flushed cheeks. "I love you in nothing too."

"You are such a charmer." JJ rolled her eyes.

Her sarcasm was deceptive, because actually, there was nothing more charming and perfect than this. It was Emily in a care-free, easy setting; exceptionally rare but so fucking beautiful. She could picture her playful smile, the one that told of genuine comfort and happiness, and she was so thankful to hear it in her voice after everything that had transpired recently. Not just necessarily everything that they together had been through, but everything that Emily had been through alone too. They each had their demons, their fears – demons and fears that had both stunted their growth and enlightened them to a few things - and that moment, that smile, that ease to their conversation, proved that those demons hadn't won. They'd proved that sometimes love can reign victorious, and she held absolutely no care for how cheesy that was. Screw cheesy, she was happy – apparently they both were - and she didn't care how pathetic it sounded.

"That's me." Emily agreed with bold arrogance. "Anyway… you didn't answer my original question."

"You'll have to wait 'til you get back won't you."

"Hm, clever move, Agent Jareau." The brunette smirked. "Very clever. You do know that I'm better at this game though, don't you?"

"Oh, arrogant as well as a charmer." JJ laughed.

But Emily didn't laugh back, and instead jumped right in to making her point. "I'm in my office right now, JJ. Everyone has gone home, and I originally came here this late to pack up a few things before I spoke to Clyde tomorrow. And yet I'm just sitting here wishing that I could say goodbye to this room properly- with your pussy tight around my fingers as I fuck you on my desk." The blatant groan on the end of the line told her she'd already won, but she continued anyway as she pushed herself up from her chair and ran her fingers along it almost lovingly. "It's a pretty huge desk, probably cost them a fair bit of money… it'd be a shame to waste it. Having said that, this leather chair probably cost a fair bit too, we wouldn't want to waste that either. So maybe I'd prefer you to sit on my lap, your back to me and your hands gripping my knees as you…." She giggled with fake innocence. "Well, you get the picture."

And get the picture, she certainly did. Her eyes were wide with both frustration and arousal- one in the same really, but she couldn't work out if she was angry with Emily, or ready to surrender dignity and beg her for release. "I need to get off of the phone. _Right_ now."

"Ah-ah." Emily shook her head. "Not a chance. If you get off this phone, I know you're going to _get off_ and you're not allowed."

"Well fine." JJ shrugged. "I'll just do it right now with you on the line, I'm not shy."

Emily almost laughed, certain that she would never do such a thing, but the gentle groan that came over the line taught her lesson number one of dating JJ: underestimating her was _never_ a good idea. "Hey, that's cheating!"

"Mmm, but it feels so good." JJ smirked proudly as she ran her fingers through her wetness- satisfied that she had outsmarted Emily Prentiss. "You still sure you're better at this game than me?"

"I think you're just tricking me." Emily commented with a slight pout; only half sure of her words. "You're not doing anything, and you're certainly not better at this than me."

Seeing a dare, JJ rose to the challenge. "Really? Let's see."

The muffling of covers and then a dull thud caused her to frown. "What… are you doing?"

"Ya see, Emily." JJ began as she retrieved what she was looking for and settled back against her sheets with her legs partially spread. "I really do know you better than you know yourself. And I know you like to watch, you like to study, you like to examine every emotion and detail in an intense moment. And I assure you… This…" She moaned deep and broken as she pushed the purple toy into her pussy. "Is going to be a _very_ intense moment, and you're… not here to witness it."

_I do believe the correct term is 'burn'._ Emily blinked in astonishment as she realised she had well and truly lost this game- not that she cared a great deal, because she was currently being treated to the most delicious sounds emanating from her phone as JJ deservedly claimed her victory. She swallowed hard as she listened intently, her eyes open but distant as she pictured the sight that she was currently missing out on physically. "I wish I was there…"

"I know." JJ forced as she ground against the toy. "And that is why I'm going to get off the phone right now. _This_ is my promise to you… to be waiting for you… with open arms… when you return. I love you."

"I…" Emily couldn't work out if she wanted to smile for the sentiment, or feel entirely foolish for having the tables turned on her. "I love you too. Think of me when you come."

"Always. I'll see you Saturday."

**CM-CM-CM**

With her house packed up and sent on its way, her familiarly easy goodbyes made to Clyde and her badge handed in prematurely – something she had been very grateful to her friend and ex-colleague for - Emily paused at her office door for a moment to study her surroundings with some kind of odd nostalgia and excitement. It was all the same really, this moment. She had upped and left so many times in her life that it was beginning to feel trite. There was no feeling in her abandonings anymore- but in this one, actually, there was, and a small recognising frown formed on her face as she realised that.

She wasn't _abandoning_, she wasn't running, she wasn't playing ignorant in favour of a false sense of safety- she was taking a giant fucking leap and trusting that everything she had tried to protect would be there to protect _her_ as she fell. But it wasn't that that baffled her- it was the strangely freeing sensation that she felt in essentially confining herself. There was no turning back from this point- she had made a solid decision and leaving again wasn't an option anymore; she had done it far too much and the only option left open to her at this point was commitment, roots, a future that was both her own and another person's. And yet it felt like the chains around her soul were slipping away… She couldn't run anymore, but she didn't _want_ to. She couldn't hide anymore, but hiding was farthest from her mind. Was it possible that the walls she had built to provide her with clarity and logic had actually hindered her vision? Was it possible that her protection had actually been everything that she had needed protecting _from_?

Was it possible that she had found her home? The life she was supposed to live, and one that she would actually be _able_ to live.

She smiled as she thought of JJ; the unconditional love and understanding that had always been in bright blue that was now clearer than ever. Of Henry and the innocence and purity that he cast over every inch of her chaotic mind simply by being in her presence. Of the pillars of strength she had four thousand miles away in the form of angels that had never once let her down and, she now realised, never would. And then she thought of something else… something she had both unknowingly and deliberately shoved to the back of her mind since she arrived here on Thursday evening but now was burning bright at the very forefront of it; prodding her in a way that actually felt good. It wasn't the prod that she had come to fear over the years- it was the prod of actual instinct, not twisted malfunction, and she was so relieved to see it again.

There was one more thing she needed to do.

Taking a seat at her now almost bare desk, she tore off a sheet of office issue paper, rummaged through her mostly empty drawers for a pen and began writing:

_Kate,_

_When I was younger, I used to think that relationships didn't really matter. Perhaps that had something to do with my father being nonexistent, but it was an engrained sentiment to think that nothing really lasts forever- people go as easily as they come and it's just a natural part of life that you either need to accept or continually be crushed by. I think I carried that mentality for a lot of years, took advantage of it even and used it as an excuse and justification for my own disappearing acts- and then one day someone told me, in the upmost honest way, that that wasn't how it was supposed to be. That relationships can last lifetimes and that she'd prove it to me._

_She proved that to me. She proves that to me every day._

_The funny thing about that though, is that it's two-sided and in never really trusting her words, I forgot the part I played in her keeping that promise. I was still working on the logic that nothing lasts forever, and because of that, I very much ensured that it didn't. I always had one foot out the door, in every capacity, in every relationship, just in case it turned sour. In fact, it's only been five days since I abandoned that sentiment… I feel like a baby deer, learning to walk for the first time and I know I'm going to fall- it's inevitable. But I also know I'm going to walk, and I'm going to run, and one day, the fear of falling will be long gone._

_That same person also told me that some people are only a part of your life so that they can be a lesson… You were that to me. You are that to me every day._

_My flight leaves in three hours- the flight that will take me back to the people in my life who really are forever and unconditional, despite me trying my damned hardest to ensure it isn't so. And I feel good. I found my happy place, I found my light- I found myself. I only wish that finding myself didn't mean realizing that I pushed away someone who could have been one of those 'forevers' too. But life-changing revelations almost never come to you at a time when you're still able to do something about it, and because of that, I'm pretty certain that I can't rectify the friendship I lost in you. But I owe you one thing and that's honesty._

_You scared me. You scared me because you understood without having to be told and that shattered every silent certainty I held. You scared me because the distance I kept between myself and everyone I meet was no longer possible- how could it be when you demolished every false sense of reasoning that had formed that wall surrounding me? You scared me because you indirectly coaxed me to face the truth and instead of facing that truth head on, I ran like I always do and wound up further in the dark than I've ever been. I was a coward, and now there's no going back from that but a part of me doesn't want to because it lead me here. But I want to thank you, for being the honest person that in my mind, I never painted you to be, never __allowed__ you to be. And I want to thank you for being a lesson too- it was a lesson I never even knew I needed, but… I think I aced the test. _

_You taught me so much and it's left me with this question, one you posed to me once upon a time: is that advice that you follow, or just that you give? You indirectly taught me to let people in and now I can't help but question… do __you__? Do you know what it's like to feel this free? Do you know what it's like to look at someone and know they love you __exactly__ for who you are, rather than the person you pretend to be?_

_I wish I could return the favor and be your teacher, because I think I could show you a few things now but I barely feel like I have a right to leave you this note, let alone anything else. It seems somewhat self-righteous, presumptuous, kind of unfair and possibly an uneducated assumption too to do either. But more than anything, I wish that I'm wrong. I wish so much that the chains that suffocated me for so long, aren't currently suffocating you. And if they are, I wish for you the strength to realize it. Don't be me… Don't reach forty-three years old before you realize you're your own worst enemy and actually allow yourself to be happy. I really do hope I'm wrong._

_Thank you for being my friend and not my shrink. Thank you for giving me honesty that I never realized I needed. Thank you for being my lesson, I guess._

_I wish you all the best, Kate. Take care._

**CM-CM-CM**

She almost slipped on it as she walked through her office door; her heel providing no traction against the smooth material and causing her to have to grab the wall instinctively… and then keep her grip on that wall when she peered down and instantly recognised the distinctive swirls of her name that could only belong to one person.

"God dammit, Emily." She shook her head, lowered herself gracefully to grab the letter and added it to the pile of files in her left hand.

Perhaps she should have known this was coming, but honestly, she hadn't thought about it- there was really no need. They weren't anything, they'd never _been_ anything… Emily Prentiss hadn't crossed her mind once over the past two months, and yet now that she stared at the letter currently laid out on her desk, she wished so much that she had. Maybe then she could have prepared some kind of logical response or feeling towards this moment.

And the words written there… elegantly scrawled across the paper like they had any right- they were just the icing on this unexpected fucking cake. What were they supposed to achieve? Probably more than she felt qualified to give.

She read the letter twice before her attention was diverted. The gentle and increasing thud of heeled boots emanating from the corridor was as distinctive as the words she had read, and she rushed out of her office against her better judgment– or perhaps without any prior judgment. "Emily?"

"Yeah?" The brunette turned slowly but instantly, her head subtly cocked to the side as she waited to see which way this would go. She was both hoping for and against something real to come out of Kate's mouth, and she was entirely uncertain whether it would.

"I…" She opened her mouth but the words died on her tongue as she looked down at the letter in her hand with a sigh; and when she looked up, her expression had changed. Walking towards Emily, she stood directly in front of her, her eyes studying the older woman like she was searching for her own answers; hoping that she would say the words for her. But after a moment, she fell at the feet of something else entirely- something so honest and yet hadn't even crossed her mind. "Why couldn't you have just _spoken_ to me?"

Emily looked down in an almost nod; somewhat stunned before she licked her lips and looked back to the woman before her. "You're not the easiest person to talk to, Kate. Not anymore. Besides… I'm pretty certain you would have gotten far less than that-" She nodded towards the letter. "-if I did."

"Okay…" She nodded, seemingly a robot that didn't have a program installed for this conversation. "Okay."

"You don't have anything to say other than okay?"

"You're kinda lucky you're even getting that." Kate rebutted, far harsher than she had truly intended, but she honestly hadn't intended for this moment at all.

"Okay." Emily smiled in resignation – perhaps abandonment really would have been the best option –and turned on her heel to leave. "Take care, Kate."

"You don't get to make those assumptions." Kate almost yelled to Emily's retreating form; continuing when the older woman turned with an entirely confused expression on her face. "What makes you educated enough to deduce that I'm unhappy? I'm an intelligent woman, Emily; don't you think I would have done something about it if I was?"

"Not educated… Just able to recognise loneliness when I see it." Emily replied solemnly, sincerely. "Able to recognise it, because I know it so very intimately. Which means I also know that it doesn't matter how intelligent you are… it'll consume you from the inside out and convince you that you're undeserving of anything else." The only real expression on the younger woman's face was a slight softening of her eyes. She recognised that expression too- it marked the fight, the still present battle for ignorance and she nodded slowly as though it was some kind of message to the other woman; some kind of understanding or willingness to play along. "I'm probably wrong though, I've been known to be wrong in the past. But if I'm not…" She took three steps forward - three steps that the younger woman seemed to slightly take back - pulled a pen from her pocket and took the letter from Kate's hand. "You have this." She scrawled her US cell number there and handed it back to a still silent Kate. "You don't need a reason, you just need that and the knowledge that you can use it." Her eyes were solid and open as she spoke again – "_Whenever_." -before she disappeared from that building, that woman, that country…

…but not that life. Because it wasn't a separate life at all; it was a part of her story. A story that, as she peered out of the plane window several hours later to the semi-darkened sky, she realised she couldn't wait to submerse herself in.


	37. Chapter 37

**Author's Note:** So now that this story is complete, I'll level with you: I am very aware that at some point along the way, it stopped holding any kind of substance and simply became words on a page that didn't really amount to a great deal. I'm not entirely certain _when_ it became something that it wasn't supposed to be, only that it did and I want to apologise for that.

I very much believe that the final product (no matter what it is) will be so much better if you enjoy creating said thing. I write because I really couldn't imagine doing anything else and I actually relish the fact that it takes it so much of my time/mental energy. Unfortunately, with this story (and now I think about it, it probably started when I hit a temporary rough patch five months ago) it got to a point where I began sitting down to update when I wasn't necessarily in the mood to enjoy doing so. I think it stopped holding any substance because I _only_ added to it when _I_ wasn't holding much substance. Make sense?

Anyway, oddly enough, the fact that it deteriorated is actually the very reason that I didn't delete it two months ago though I seriously considered it- so that it can serve as a lesson for me to not update a current story of mine when my mind isn't fully on it. It is what will remind me of the difference between writing because I'm in a rut, and writing because I'm feeling particularly creative.

Honestly, I'm kind of relieved that it's over. And for now, it is. I do definitely plan to amend it at some point, and I've purposely left several loose ends because it's somewhere at the back of my mind to (once I've fixed the first installment) write a sequel. The part of my mind that permanently lives in the gutter wishes to elaborate on JJ's 'list', and also expand on just where they go from the point I leave them at in this final chapter, but I'll tackle that when I know I'm not going to botch it.

Thanks for joining me on this (too) lengthy ride. Things got pretty sucky somewhere in the middle, so I want to thank those of you (mostly people who I have never even spoken to, which is amazing) who tossed several much needed words of encouragement my way- you reminded why I enjoy writing for FanFiction so much despite how time-consuming it can be. So, thanks again and I hope you enjoy the 'final' chapter. Peace, and love, and all that fun stuff!

**One more thing:** I have another story for you guys that I'm so excited to share with you. I've been writing it for several months now and, lucky for you, it has only been added to when the mood struck me rather than because of a 'bad day'- thus, I feel pretty confident in promising you that it won't suck. It's also written in full (just needs cleaning up a little) so you won't be waiting three weeks between each update. I'm gona take a couple of days to get adjusted to being a first time dog-owner (she's adorable, but clearly has far more energy than me) and then I'll get that story out to you guys. Hopefully you haven't written me off after what this one became, but I guess we'll see. Thanks again!

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Thirty-five: <strong>_**Fairytale of DC**_

"_I've got a feeling, this year's for me and you. So, Happy Christmas. I love you, baby. I can see a better time, when all our dreams come true."_

_**- The Pogues ft. Kirsty Macoll (Fairytale of New York)**_

"There's still an hour 'til midnight, Jayje." Morgan began compassionately. "She'll be here."

"I know." JJ nodded quickly, a smile forming instantly on her face before she could even consider who she was talking to; but she allowed the expression on Morgan's to linger without address- the expression that told her that he knew she was lying.

And she totally was lying. Truth was, she had spent the past twenty minutes running through the checklist of the ten thousand possible reasons as to why Emily wasn't here yet – her flight was delayed, she got held up in traffic, she'd stopped to help a damn cat down from a tree - and the moment that Morgan had abruptly disrupted her mental spiraling had coincided exactly with the moment that she had reached the bottom of that list and the idiocy and frustration that presented itself there in the form of the possibility that she had been trying so hard not to entertain: Emily had changed her mind.

"_Do_ you?"

The warm, caring voice was comforting in a lot of ways, but frustrating in others. It wasn't the voice she _wanted_ to hear in that moment. Perhaps she had read too many romance novels, but wasn't this the part of the story where the lover turned up at the very moment where all hope was lost, represented the twist in the tale and ensured it ended with happily ever after? Wasn't this the part where reason fell into place and ended the whole tragedy with beautiful, hopeful swirls of pastel and rainbows? Weren't the good guys supposed to win?

But then, actually, were they really the good guys after everything that they had put their friends and each other through? Did they really deserve this happily ever after?

With a defeated sigh, she nodded with purposeful nonchalance and replied. "Of course I do. Flights get delayed, she'll be here. Now-" She grinned. "-I think you owe me a dance."

And dance they did. For fourty-five minutes, a very aware Morgan twirled JJ around the function room dance floor and tried his upmost to distract her from her, well, distraction. He could see that his efforts were far from successful though, could see that the blonde's gaze lingered and searched each time the opportunity presented itself, and he himself was beginning to worry that this moment was going to end exactly the way he could see JJ feared it would.

He knew Emily, knew her well. He knew that she would never hurt a damn fly, but he also knew that she was very good at convincing herself that doing right by someone meant being cruel to be kind- meant abandoning them when she trusted herself the least. Something like that didn't just change overnight. It didn't go away with a few perfect words and it didn't vanish solely because it had outstayed its welcome.

And he knew it would be too late after tonight… If Emily didn't show up like she had promised the blonde she would, it would be the end of them entirely. They were dysfunction at its finest, and yet they were the epitome of functional, logical, perfect- the last thing he wanted to see was for either of them to hurt any more than they already had. The last thing he wanted to see was for the whole mess to hold absolutely no rhyme or reason. But maybe Emily was right- sometimes cruel to be kind was the best option and his own heart lurched with a sudden belief in fairytales when he looked up and met smiling brown eyes over JJ's shoulder.

He felt like a schoolgirl, whose crush had just shown up to the dance when all hope was lost and it wasn't even _his_ story. His smile was obvious, and caught JJ's attention even before he stepped back and spoke cryptically. "On that note…"

"You're ditching me?" JJ questioned with a mock pout as Morgan bowed gracefully out of the next song.

"Something tells me I'm not the one you want to be shaking your booty with, baby girl." His smile was implicative; his eyes trailing behind her before he disappeared with that smile lingering on his face.

Her own eyes fixed on him in confusion until he was out of sight, and even when he was, they still lingered there. Perhaps she was afraid to see- afraid to find that that hope in her chest that she might just get her fairytale ending would be cruelly crushed as soon as she looked behind her. But she didn't need to look- she felt warm, familiar arms snake around her waist and a comforting scent fill her nostrils before she'd mustered up the courage, and she couldn't help but smile.

"Hey, you." She whispered as she finally turned and laced her arms around the older woman's neck.

"Hey, yourself." Emily returned the blonde's smile. "Surprised to see me?"

"No…" Her answer was instant but clearly dishonest- a dishonesty she didn't even try to hide, and after a few seconds, she chewed the inside of her lip and acquiesced. "Okay, fine, maybe a little."

"I told you…" Emily whispered, her arms slinking around the blonde's waist as they moved oddly slowly out of time with the quick-paced music. "I made you a promise."

**CM-CM-CM**

It was 1am when the hotel's function room began to empty- groups separating off either to go on to more flamboyant parties, opting to turn in for the night, or a few even so drunk that they were probably passed out in the lobby somewhere. It had been a surprising night when you took into consideration just who the guests at the party had been- FBI agents, low and high-ranking, but still definitely supposed to hold some kind of morals, all acting like teenagers in some way. But it was strangely pleasant to see. These guys risked their lives on a daily basis and to witness them in such a free setting was one of the many things that had Emily smiling right now, as she subtly danced her fingers with JJ's and rested her free arm along the back of her chair.

"That was… an interesting night." She laughed, breaking the exhausted and somewhat stunned silence that had descended on the over-occupied eight-seater table in the centre of the large hall.

"You're not wrong there." Morgan agreed, taken aback by the odd dance moves that he had been witness to during the past six hours and the memories and visuals he hoped to god would be erased from his mind come morning.

"Oh come on…" JJ began. "It's nice. How often do we, in this job, witness _actual_ fun?"

Emily smiled to herself as JJ unknowingly returned her own sentiment; the moment just another shred of proof that there really was something different about the woman that she couldn't take her eyes off of.

"So what are you gonna do, Emily?" Hotch interrupted their semi-debate and unknowingly Emily's daydream; took a swig of his beer in a way that came across strangely undignified and relaxed when you considered what he was like on the daily.

"I…" Emily pursed her lips and shook her head once. "I guess I'm going to grovel at the feet of every law-enforcement agency within a 100 mile radius."

She was laughing, but it wasn't a far-fetched option. It wasn't that she hadn't considered what she would do now that she was back in DC - she would never be so careless with her career - but at the same time, she wasn't all that deterred by the prospect of some time away. Some time to regroup. Some time to get used to this new path she had taken in her life- the path that was actually more terrifying than waking up every morning and not knowing if she'd live through the day. Perhaps she'd write, or something equally cliché. Perhaps she'd just lounge around in her sweats all day and watch Law and Order marathons- she didn't know. The possibilities were somewhat endless- she didn't know for sure what she would do and in that moment she found herself stunned that that didn't scare her as much as she would have expected.

"You can have my job." Leah smirked from her spot beside Morgan before taking a sip of her own drink- the irony of her offering Emily a job that was actually once hers not lost on any of them and several soft chuckles emanated from around the table.

They all knew it wasn't a possibility, but it was nice to be at a point where something that had once sent them into to silently bitter reflection now caused them to laugh.

"You could." Hotch shrugged, surprising them all. "We're going to be an agent down again when Leah leaves. You _could_ have her job."

Emily laughed silently, brief before she recognised the lack of humour in his words and she frowned. "Hotch, we talked about this." No one else at the table knew of the conversation they'd had last week in JJ's yard, but he knew what she was referring to; and she addressed the whole team when they all looked to her with some kind of concern on their face. "Guys, I'll be fine. This isn't a bad thing. I think I actually want this time to just… to _just be_."

JJ squeezed her hand at her last words. The rest of the group didn't know its significance, but she did. Emily hadn't taken the time to just be - to just enjoy the moment - any day in her life. Everything had to happen instantly or not at all; sped by at 100mph or remained frozen in time until it withered away. So whether this down time lasted a week or a month, whether she spent it sleeping, or spent it job hunting; it was going to have a lasting positive effect. Hell, she could spend it scrapbooking for all she cared, as long as she enjoyed doing so.

"Yeah well-" Morgan began, unknowingly interrupting the silent conversations and praise currently being exchanged between his two friends. "-if I come over and find that taking time to "just be" actually means sitting around in your sweats drooling over Mariska Hargitay I'll be dragging your ass back to work."

"Would I ever?" Emily smirked. "It _never_ crossed my mind."

"Uh, actually, I second that." JJ chimed in, presumably put out by the thought of Emily drooling over another woman, but when she spoke again it was with a lowered voice and an unexpected smirk. "If there's any drooling over her in your sweats going on, I _expect_ to be invited."

"And that-" Emily grinned, somewhat proud of the woman she had 'bagged'. "-is why I'm the luckiest woman on the planet."

"My god, what has she turned you into?" Morgan joked, but inside he was so happy for his friends- even the vomit-inducing public display of affection was fine by him in that moment.

And Emily would have seen it too, if she wasn't distracted by the soft lips that brushed subtly across her ear, and the only-audible-to-her words that whispered-

"Oh you haven't seen lucky yet. I _promise_ you."

-consequently leaving her highly intelligent brain resembling nothing more than mush.

"Is Emily Prentiss blushing?" Rossi laughed, seemingly the only member at the table who had noticed the pair's subtleties.

"Never." Emily cleared her throat.

"You know what?" Morgan took a swig of his drink and cut in as something occurred to him. "I think I need to be a lesbian." Several astonished looks were shot his way and he quickly defended himself. "What? The only couples around this table are you two-" He pointed to Leah and Heather, currently as cozied up as the other two he turned his attention to. "-and you two."

"That's not true…" Emily rebutted. "Kevin is around here somewhere."

"Oh-oh." Garcia laughed with a combination of fond anger and amusement. "Don't even mention him. He's somewhere passed out in the bathroom because he couldn't handle his shots. My chocolate god here is right… lesbian is clearly the way to go."

JJ couldn't help but laugh. "Garcia… _you_ forced him to drink them."

There was a genuine warmth in Emily's chest as she watched the scene unfold, a genuine smile on her chuckling lips that was for far more than that very moment- a genuine smile that abruptly faded as Hotch stood to leave. "Where are you going?

"It's time to call it a night."

"Jack and Henry aren't due to be back until Tuesday." JJ frowned, lost as to why Hotch was really leaving when the boys were out in New Orleans with Will, and too the fact that they were all – for once – enjoying some real downtime.

But Emily wasn't confused- Emily could see it in his eyes, and as he walked away, she made her excuses and followed. "I'll be right back. I need to ask him about an ex co-worker of his." She smiled as she kissed JJ and stood. "Perhaps she could help be out on the job front."

It took her several attempts to get Hotch to actually slow his pace out in the lobby; his face as stoic as ever when he finally turned to face her. "What do you need?"

Looking quickly across to the bar several feet from them, she responded. "Don't need anything. I'd just like to buy you a drink."

"At 1am? When they're free in the next room?"

"I never have been good with money. Part of being a spoilt little rich kid." She shrugged, the words a total lie but they certainly worked, and just two minutes later saw both of them sat at the bar in an oddly awkward silence. A silence that she felt compelled to fix, but before she could even decide how to do such a thing, Hotch gave her an answer to a question that she hadn't even posed yet.

"You never let me help you then, you never trusted me to. And you're not letting me help you now."

She hadn't looked at it that way- had rather, and justifiably so, looked at it with the mentality that allowing him to get her her job back would be placing further and unnecessary burden on him. With the mentality that she absolutely did not have that right, because she had put him through enough. There was an odd bond between them, one that was often left unaddressed and even less than that recognised because they were so similar. Their mysterious, closed-off personalities were so on par that oftentimes they were like ships in the night with their interactions- silent and almost unrecognisable. But there _was_ a bond between them, and she felt somewhat foolish and guilty in that moment for not even considering that she may have hurt him when she left. He had been her boss, but he was her friend too and she had neglected to remember that in amongst his authoritative façade.

"I'm sorry." And she was- not only for not letting him help, but for not being honest with him all those months ago. "I am so sorry, but what could you have done? I made the mess, I needed to fix it."

"Emily." He sighed and turned to face her. "You didn't make a mess. Well, you did. You definitely did. But I know you, we all know you, and we know you would never do such a thing if the reason wasn't so strong. You'd never do such a thing for _lust_. There is only one reason you would ever cross those lines, and I saw that clearly in there." He looked down and then back to her. "That is why I want to help you get your job back, not because I feel obligated but because I don't. There is no obligation there, it's just clear to see that you would never cross that line again. You showed me that by coming back. You showed me that with how you handled the situation since then. And I have absolutely no qualms in telling Strauss that."

Her head shook silently, giving her answer even before she could verbally. "No. If I ever get my job back, it'll be because I earnt it, not because you forced the issue. Besides, I meant what I said. I kind of like the idea of the unknown and if you knew… If you knew the places I've been to recently, Hotch, you'd know that that is actually probably the best thing for me."

All Hotch could do was nod. "Well… it was worth a try. Anyway…" He pushed himself away from the bar. "I'm gona turn in."

"Hotch, wait…" She pushed herself up. "Are we… I mean, are we okay? And if we're not… _Will_ we be okay? I don't mean as ex-colleagues, I mean as friends."

"As ex-colleagues? We won't be okay until you let me give you your job back." He stepped forward with a very faint smirk on his face. "As friends? We'll be just fine." And with an odd smile and a quick embrace, he spoke again before disappearing. "Goodnight, Emily."

**CM-CM-CM**

"I love wearing nice clothes but-" Emily began as she wandered out of the bathroom. "-there is nothing better than taking a shower and then-" Her words stopped abruptly as she noticed the oddly organised but definitely different disarray of the room. "Did we get _burgled_?"

Smirking, JJ shut off the TV and pushed herself up off of the bed to walk towards Emily. "Call me crazy, but I'm fairly certain people don't break in solely to reorganise the place." Her hands moved to the ribbon holding her robe together whilst her eyes remained fixed on Emily's and her voice was low when she spoke again. "I'm also fairly certain that they don't then wait for you in little to no clothing to return."

Emily released a shaky breath at the very moment that the blonde released the material covering her almost naked form; her jaw almost hitting the floor just as the garment did and revealed a partially-naked blonde, save for an oversized t-shirt that bared one shoulder and stopped somewhere mid-thigh. "Wow…" It was one word, and yet it was still perfectly enunciated; so damn proper even in that moment. "Did I ever mention how sexy you look in that shirt?"

"Once or twice." JJ smirked and laced her arms around the older woman's neck. "So I did good?"

"You did… _very_ good." Emily responded, the tail end of her words turning to an appreciative groan as – just like three days ago back in JJ's hall – she ran her fingers along bare thighs and met absolutely nothing. No underwear, no restricting material keeping her from what she really wanted to feel; just flesh, waiting to be devoured, savoured.

Perhaps most would _want_ underwear; something flashy and lacey, a gift to unwrap. But not Emily. To Emily, there truly was nothing more beautiful and erotic than this, the right now, the combination of comfortable and sexy. It wasn't even the fact that JJ wasn't wearing panties- it was the confidence it took to do such a thing. It was the pride in her chest as she realised what that meant - as she recognised fully just how far they had come, how far JJ had come – and she only hoped that one day she could make the same progress. The strides long enough to be what JJ deserved.

And the shirt… Well that was everything- it was comfort, both literally, and in the sense that they had _that._ They had those tiny details that were only relevant to them– who else in the world would know that Emily much preferred that over sexy lingerie? Who else in the world knew that she didn't hold the same preferences that most people did? Who else in the world knew-

Suddenly, the reason for the disarray of the bedroom dawned on her. It wasn't disarray at all. Disarray defined as untidy, chaotic- but the positioning of the furniture was actually purposeful, strategic, deliberate. It wasn't untidy, just altered- altered in a way that was metaphorical as well as literal. Just like _they_ needed and had altered to accommodate each other – her running towards her fear rather than from them, and JJ doing much the same – the room was altered to accommodate something she had almost forgotten even mentioning.

Of course, the desk wasn't the same and neither was the chair– there were no giant flags behind them or a window that looked out onto a lengthy, beautiful view of a darkened city. But it was somehow much better. Because it represented something she had never really experienced, or rather allowed herself to- love. Someone loved her enough to do this. Someone had loved her enough to not only see through her walls, but barely even flinch at what she found beyond them. Someone loved her enough to change her whole damn life and face every fear that had stuck with her since childhood, just because they wanted to be with her _that_ much.

And that someone was currently in her company, in her embrace; staring up at her with expectant, dark blue eyes and she just smiled. "You did this for me? You… You remembered me telling you that?"

"I remember everything you tell me, Emily." JJ responded honestly. "Because I know how lucky I am to hear those things in the first place. And yes. I did this for you. You know what else I did for you?"

Emily shook her head slowly; her eyes naturally scanning the room to find what she had apparently missed. "What's that?"

Leaning in to whisper in Emily's ear, JJ responded. "I didn't finish when we got off the phone the other night." She smirked at the shaky breath that Emily released; the one that turned to a whimper as she pushed away her towel and splayed her palms flat against a toned abdomen, used her leverage to direct the brunette towards the mock office area that she had created. "I promised to be waiting for you when you came back. Which means…" She trailed off, encouraging Emily to take a seat at the chair that she had placed behind the average sized desk that she had, with some mild difficulty, dragged away from the far side wall that it was situated against and placed it by the window. "Sit." She digressed, staring with mock dominance until Emily complied; and as she did, she turned her back to her, lifted her shirt ever so slightly and sat, legs parted, on the older woman's lap. "Which means… I am very wet right now."

Emily groaned again; her mind all but imploding with the combining forces of JJ's admission and the way that, with her hands gripping at her knees, she arched her back and consequently ground her definitely wet pussy against her thigh. "What are you doing to me?"

"I'm…" JJ lost herself for a moment to the friction against her clit. "Thanking you."

"For what?" Emily breathed; her eyes closed as her hands gripped at the blonde's waist to guide her slow, languid movements.

"For being you. For..." She lost herself again, but not to the feeling so much as her next words. "_Loving_ me. For _forgiving_ me."

"Forgiveness played no part in it." Emily replied solidly as she tightened her grasp on JJ's left hip and used the leverage to pull her flush against her; her words now falling directly into the blonde's ear. "Understanding was." She thrust her hips up one time and bathed in the needy groan that fell from JJ's lips; her breaths shaky as she continued- nothing had happened, not really, and yet she felt as though she was being touched and caressed from all angles, felt every single emotion coursing throughout her and for the first time in a very long time, didn't fear them. "Understanding that… not everything that is easy comes with a catch… and that… not everything that causes intense emotions is going to… to destroy you."

"Fuck…" JJ's mind mushed and blurred as every other sense in her body became highly acute; her pussy almost hurt with her arousal and the dire need to feel more than Emily's thigh there. But before she could even verbalise such a need, Emily interjected.

"It's a shame…" She whispered as she encouraged JJ to thrust a little harder against her. "It's a shame we have nothing to… _help_ this moment."

Her lower back still arched as she ground against Emily's thigh, JJ turned just her head to whisper with an implicative smirk. "What if we _did_?"

Emily stopped her movements instantly, her excited and aroused eyes wide. "Really?"

"Really, really." JJ smirked. "I told you, you don't know luck yet. And besides… I have that list, remember." She turned and nipped at Emily's lip. "Plus, like I said… I like to be prepared."

As JJ stood and abruptly walked away, all Emily could do was look on as she reached into a small suitcase and returned with something that caused her to lick her lips in anticipation. It wasn't the object though, it was the way that the younger woman dropped instantly to her knees in front of her, her blue eyes staring up at her as she pulled the new appendage up over her legs and attached it in place.

But the sudden change of expression on the blonde's face once she was donning the strap-on caused her to frown. "What's wrong?"

JJ looked down guiltily. "I… I don't want you to think that this is because I need a… I mean, it's not a substitution for- I don't need…"

Emily smiled instantly in relief; reaching out to pull the blonde to her feet and pressed their lips together. "I wasn't concerned."

"Really?" JJ questioned with some kind of preempted apology as she rested her arms against the brunette's bare shoulders; giggling when that same brunette abruptly turned her and forced her back into the same position she was in before and felt soft lips brush against her neck.

"Really, really." Emily breathed as she thrust once against JJ, encouraging the blonde to part her thighs- a message which she eagerly took and complied. "Do you have any idea how amazing it is to be able to-" She reached between them and positioned the toy cock at JJ's opening; thrust gently and basked in the wondrous sound that emanated from the blonde's lips as she sank down around the intrusion. "-do that, and still be able to…" She made her point with her hands – the hands that were free – and allowed one to trail up beneath the cotton shirt to the blonde's breast whilst the other encouraged full pink lips to meet her own. She didn't kiss her, only whispered against those lips as she thrust slowly inside her. "I love you, and I love making love to you. And really… I imagine this-" She thrust purposely hard. "-is as much for me as it is for you."

"Somehow I doubt that." JJ replied with a lust-filled grin; her eyes closed as she whimpered at the quickly building pressure between her thighs. "God, this is surreal."

"Surreal?" Emily stopped, entirely unsure whether to take such a word as a compliment or not.

"No I mean…" JJ giggled, her hips natural coaxing Emily to give her what she needed again. "Just this. You. Us."

"That's what I thought." The brunette grinned; her hands settling firmly at the blonde's hips as she picked up a more deliberate pace; her lips lingering at her ear to whisper. "Usted siempre será mío, Jennifer. Y yo soy siempre tuyo."

JJ laughed through her whimper at those entirely familiar words; her hips rocking almost greedily against Emily now. "I never… fuck, I never thought I'd... hear that again."

"I'll remind you every day." Emily groaned as she thrust; the pressure of the toy against her own clit almost unbearable and she couldn't help but reach between them to rub at JJ's. It wasn't that she wanted this over with, it was simply that she was feeling rather impatient- impatient for the very sound that _she_ never thought she'd hear again. "Now come for me… I wana hear… the sound that… _I_ never thought I would again."

And as those words wrapped around her, as Emily made tight, deliberate circles at her clit, as her fingers gripped harder at the older woman's thighs as she thrust with abandon, she did- hard. Her fingers cutting almost painfully into Emily's knees just like it had been described to her days ago, her body shuddering against the older woman as the tremors of her orgasm left her body, only to quickly double-back when Emily didn't cease her thrusting, but continued with more vigor and caused that wave of pleasure to thread almost seamlessly into another.

She could picture the smirk on Emily's face once her orgasm had ceased to a faint hum, as she purposely drew sporadic circles against her sensitive clit with the sole purpose of feeling her jump in her arms- imagined it to be much the same as her own as she giggled and grabbed her wrist to shove it away. "Stop that…"

With a genuinely content grin on her face, Emily complied with the exhaustingly given demand and instead wrapped her arms around the blonde's trim waist; rested her chin on her shoulder ran her lips along the soft expanse of skin there as her mind wondered. "Do you want more children?"

JJ's eyes widened instantly, and the laugh that fell from her lips clearly depicted her nerves and surprise for such a question. "That's the last time you're wearing that thing… clearly it's gone to your head."

Emily smiled and reached between them to gently withdraw from the blonde; nudged her to stand and discarded it before coaxing her over to the bed. She pulled back the covers, allowed JJ to climb in and followed her; pulled the younger woman to her chest before she elaborated on the thoughts that had initially caused her to ask such a question. "First of all… that is not the last time I'm gonna wear that thing. Trust me. Maybe one of these days we'll even have you wear it too." The obvious darkening of blue eyes that was only very mildly tinted with nerves caused her insides to twist in the most wonderful way. JJ was the epitome of femininity- the thought of her donning a strap-on was very nearly capable of blowing her mind. But with a shake of her head, she banished such thoughts and got back to the point. "The reason I ask is because… Well, obviously the feelings are mutual between us. But…"

"But we never really discussed whether we're compatible more logically than that?" The small preempted apology that graced Emily's lips gave her her answer and she pushed herself up on her elbow to give an answer to every possible question she could think of that the older woman may ask. "I love Henry, and there is not a damn thing on this planet that would ever make me regret him… but I also never set out to have children, it was never in my plans. So I guess the answer is no, I don't want more children. I also don't particularly want to get married- I struggle to see the point in it. I mean, financially and legally it makes sense, but those shouldn't be reasons to get married. My dreams don't include a quaint cottage in the middle of nowhere, nor do they involve a white picket-fence and a dog, and I will never be the person who wants set bedtimes or engrained routines of when we can and can't ditch a healthy dinner for pizza. We have too much rigidity in our line of work without forcing more."

"Well… that was a lot of information." Emily laughed when she was sure JJ was done. "Anything else?"

"Um… I'd much rather lay in bed with junk food and watch Dexter reruns than go to a fancy, pretentious, over-priced restaurant."

The grin on Emily's face was almost painful, and only grew when the expression on the blonde's turned to one of confusion.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing." She whispered, pushing JJ onto her back to place several soft kisses against her lips. "I guess I'll cancel my reservation for Thursday then and subscribe to Netflix instead."

JJ's cheeks flushed instantly red when she found herself certain that she'd insulted the brunette. "I'm sorry, I didn't… I mean… you don't need to-"

"Jayje-JJ… I'm _joking_." Emily reassured. "I've never been one for pretentious… that's more my mother's thing. And a show about a serial killer who only kills other serial killers… what could be more interesting than that?"

"Are you mocking me?" JJ frowned, trying to decipher the answer to her own question in the brunette's eyes alone.

"Not even remotely." Emily replied honestly as she brushed a strand of blonde hair from the younger woman's face and smiled. "I think you were right…" She ghosted her lips along JJ's and whispered her final words there. "We're gonna be fucking amazing."


End file.
